Chapter XIX: American and Colonial Advertisements (1)

In such a go-ahead nation as the United States, it is only natural that advertising should be a very important feature of its business arrangements; and in perusing most of the papers which have travelled across the Atlantic, we find that our cousins have what are called much broader notions concerning the duties of advertisements than we have. The word broader we use in its conventional sense, and without any wish to take responsibility upon ourselves; for the so-called broader view is, after all, only the view which will be found expressed in those of our pages which contain notices published a hundred years ago. So that perhaps, after all, the broader view is our modern view; for it is, or certainly should be, the improved view. In course of time the American press may adopt the plan now in use here so far as regards all the papers which we consider representative, that of having an outward and visible show of decency in the advertisement columns, no matter what darkness or danger lurks beneath. With very few exceptions, the papers which come from the United States--we refer not to the hole-and-corner but to the high-class, which are widely read and disseminated among family circles--contain advertisements which would be rejected by the gutter journals of this country. A hundred years ago, as we have said and instanced, our papers were not at all particular, so long as they could get advertisements, what they took; now a sense of what is right and proper compels them to refuse many notices which would be highly paid for--would be paid any price for--and in time the American press will doubtless follow the self-abnegating example. The broadened view we think, therefore, is ours, yet our style is often referred to as narrow-minded. The narrow mind is that which sacrifices its honour and credit in its greed for immediate profit and hunger after the almighty dollar.

For many reasons there is a great difficulty in dealing with American advertisements. Sometimes they are too long for quotation, at other times they are too broad; and very often one is not quite sure whether or not it is a really _bona fide_ advertisement he is reading, or only an expression of gratitude from an editor for the favours he has received or fondly anticipates. American editors have peculiar notions on the subject of advertisements and the duties of advertisers. In a New York journal which boldly announces itself as the American Gentleman’s Newspaper, there is, or used to be, an editorial notice which informs all whom it most concerns, that, so as to meet the requirements of the family circle, and so that the paper may be left upon every gentleman’s breakfast-table, the use of the name of the Deity is expressly forbidden in the advertising or other columns. We quote from memory, but if these are not the exact words, the line of argument--if argument such a _non sequitur_ can be called--is identical with that used by Mr Wilkes, the proprietor and editor of this model and gentlemanly paper. It would be well, however, if the American lady’s newspaper erred in no greater particular than the American gentleman’s does. For the honour of America it is to be sincerely hoped that its ladies know nothing of the sheets which are flaunted here with the names of women as the editors, and which are said to be written especially for women. It is hard to believe that any sane creature, much more a woman, could write such festering scurrility, such fatuous blasphemy, and such shameless indecency and advocacy of open adultery as appear in the columns of one at least of these women’s journals; but it is easy to imagine that a few besotted females, suffering from erotic and other dementia, should exhibit themselves to the scornful gaze of the virtuous or the only moderately vicious for the purpose of obtaining notoriety--far easier than to believe that the women of America are the readers of and subscribers to these papers and their opinions. We are quite sure that no woman worthy of the name would look a second time at the organ of Victoria C. Woodhull and Tennie C. Claflin--quite as sure as that the two persons we have named are, with their followers, quite unfit to be regarded as women. We have referred to this paper and its “editors” because it and they represent a class of journals and journalists which are, unfortunately for Americans, too apt to be taken as standard representatives of the type, and from no desire to accord them the spurious celebrity they so anxiously covet.

Still, without wishing to impute anything like iniquity to American newspapers generally, it must be admitted that the vast majority of them have rather lax notions of propriety, and their motto being “Get money,” they are apt to ignore the existence of ill in any advertisement, provided the presenter of it has his “pile” ready, and will “come down handsome.” This is evident throughout the whole of the transatlantic news world; and though there are, we feel bound and are glad to admit, very honourable exceptions, they are but the exceptions which prove the rule. As the editors and proprietors generally accuse each other, they cannot feel annoyed if we, standing afar off, make our notes according to what they give us. If they prefer to feel angry, however, we shall not stand in their way; but doubtless the majority are too intent on getting money to care much for what is said about them. Indeed there are many who exult in the notion of making capital by all kinds of advertisements, from the puff preliminary to the nauseating display of vile quackery or undisguised immorality, and vary this with agreeable little interludes in the way of black-mail. In several American newspapers open and undisguised announcements have been published that their columns are to be bought, and that for a price they will advocate any cause or take any side of a disputed question.

But throughout all this there is a great spice of humour, and in the general run of American advertisements it is much to be feared, and only natural to assume, that a stricter code of morality would result in a vast increase of dulness, the general concomitant of prim respectability. Yet it is possible to be wise as well as witty, and even now a good percentage of American advertisers prove this. From these we shall endeavour to select our stock, and so give all the humour without intruding the unpleasantness, except where it is absolutely necessary for the purpose of giving a fair idea of the American system. A good instance of ingenuity is that of the grocer in Pennsylvania, who on the fence of a graveyard inscribed in large white letters, “Use Jones’s bottled ale if you would keep out of here.” Grave subjects are often chosen as opportunities for advertising, one thing frequently offered being “Port wine as pure as the tears which fall upon a sister’s grave.” A firm engaged in the “statuary line” state that “those who buy tombstones of us look with pride and satisfaction upon the graves of their friends;” and from a large upholstery establishment the following emanates:--

Their parlor furniture is elegant,
Their bedroom furniture is rich,
Their mattresses are downy,
Their coffins are comfortable.

There is, after all, not much opportunity for the display of novelty in advertisements nowadays; but a merchant in Newark, New York State, succeeded very well by leaving his column entirely blank with the exception of this note, in very small type, at the bottom: “This space was sold to A. E. Brennan and Co., but as their business is sufficiently brisk already they decline to use it.” This anecdote in its progress has been related of most large houses in or about New York and Boston, but Brennan was the man who gave rise to it. Quite as business-like, and rather more cynical, was the Ohio tradesman who, in large print, gave the following forth: “Ministers of the Gospel supplied with goods at cost, if they agree to mention the fact to their congregations.” And though the next is a purely private communication, the author of it was evidently a born advertiser: “If the party who took a fancy to my overcoat was influenced by the inclemency of the weather, all right; but if by commercial considerations, I am ready to negotiate for its return.” In an advertisement headed “Full-dress funeral,” which appears in a Philadelphia paper, is the intimation that “all the gentlemen friends of the late Mr Smith desirous of participating in the funeral will appear in full-dress suit and white gloves at Happy Hall, at nine o’clock a.m. on Friday morning, Jan. 29, and proceed from thence in a body to the house of the deceased.” This peculiarity of a.m. in the morning reminds us of the announcement on a bridge at Denver, Colorado, which states that “no vehicle drawn by more than one animal is allowed to cross this bridge in opposite directions at the same time;” though our intention, while touching on funerals, was to give the subjoined letter from an enterprising undertaker in Illinois to a sick man: “Dear sir, having positive proof that you are rapidly approaching Death’s gate, I have, therefore, thought it not imprudent to call your attention to the inclosed advertisement of my abundant stock of ready-made coffins, and desire to make the suggestion that you signify to your friends a wish for the purchase of your burial outfit at my establishment.” And thereon followed an elaborate list of the essentials to a first-class funeral, the reader having nothing to do but to supply the corpse. Apropos of supply, the following from a Chicago confectioner’s notice is worthy of remark: “Families supplied by the quart or gallon.” This ostensibly refers to olives, but to us it seems very suggestive of olive branches. Occasionally, in running through the papers, one is surprised at the appetite of a lady who wants “to take a gentleman for breakfast and tea;” at the single-mindedness of a boarding-house keeper who advertises that “single gentlemen are furnished with pleasant rooms, also one or two gentlemen with wives;” or the boldness of a merchant who, in a free country, openly gives notice that there is “wanted--a woman to sell on commission.”

We have already referred to the “editorials” which have a more or less remote connection with advertisements, and now select two examples with which to illustrate our meaning. They are of very opposite characters, and will serve to give both extremes, between which all sorts of puffs may find classification. The first is very common. Says the editor of a Yankee paper:--

A correspondent wants to know what kind of a broom the young lady in
the novel used when she swept back the ringlets from her classic brow.
We don’t know, and shouldn’t answer if we did. We only undertake to
answer queries of a practical and useful character. If our
correspondent, who we presume is a gentleman, had asked who was the
best and most popular hatter in the city, we would have promptly and
unhesitatingly answered, James H. Chard of Broadwalk.

This tradesman had evidently supplied, or promised to supply, a new covering for the editorial head, with perhaps a little light refreshment as well. The other specimen is far more deliberate, and at the same time more respectable. It is from a Buffalo paper of half-a-dozen years back, and is not at all unlike the very earliest advertisement recommendations of our own country:--

We are assured that the firm of Eastman & Kendall, 65, Hanover Street,
Boston, Mass., advertised in our columns, is trustworthy and
reliable. For 10 cents they send a patent pen fountain and a check
describing an article to be sold for $1. Their club system of selling
goods is becoming quite popular, particularly with the ladies. It is
worthy of a trial.

Two specimens of editorial personal advertisements will doubtless suffice. One was published by an Illinois journalist on assuming the duties of chief of the staff, and it gives a very good idea of the plan upon which he intended to “run” his paper. It says:--

Sensational, distressing details of revolting murders and shocking
suicides respectfully solicited. Bible class presentations and
ministerial donation parties will be “done” with promptness and
despatch. Keno banks and their operations made a speciality. Accurate
reports of Sunday School anniversaries guaranteed. The local editor
will cheerfully walk 17 miles after Sunday school to see and report a
prize fight. Funerals and all other melancholy occasions written up in
a manner to challenge admiration. Horse races reported in the highest
style of the reportorial art. Domestic broils and conjugal felicities
sought for with untiring avidity. Police court proceedings and sermons
reported in a manner well calculated to astonish the prisoner,
magistrate, and preacher.

The other is the opposite of the foregoing, and was penned under very different circumstances. It is from a Keithsburg journal, and first saw the light under the head reserved for notices of deaths:--

About two and a-half years ago we took possession of this paper. It
was then in the very act of pegging out, having neither friends,
money, nor credit. We tried to breathe into it the breath of life; we
put into it all our own money and everybody else’s we could get hold
of; but it was no go; either the people of Keithsburg don’t appreciate
our efforts, or we don’t know how to run a paper. We went into the
business with confidence, determined to run it or burst. We have
busted. During our connection with the _Observer_ we have made some
friends and numerous enemies. The former will have our gratitude while
life lasts. The latter are affectionately requested to go to the
deuce.

Occasionally these advertising notices take a widely different form, and refer to the benefits which are to be found from a use of the columns in which they appear. Take the following as an instance of the kind of work we mean:--

THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS has the largest circulation of any daily paper
published in the United States, and, with the exception of one in
England and one in France, the largest in the world. We will contract
for advertisements in the NEWS upon the following terms: Three (3)
cents per line for every (10) ten thousand of our circulation. Every
bill when presented to be accompanied with the sworn affidavit of the
pressman who prints the paper, the clerk who delivers the paper, and
the cashier who receives the money. No paper to be counted as
circulation except those that are actually sold and paid for.
Believing this to be the most fair and equitable plan ever offered to
advertisers, we make the proposition.

This is a fair and equitable idea which none but the proprietors of rival journals could object to. And that rivals do have their say about each other’s advertisements, the following article, which is called “Ensnaring the Simple,” and which at one stroke deals two blows--one in the journalistic and the other in the electioneering interest--will show. It is from a New York daily, and runs thus: “_The Sunday Mercury_ is published by Cauldwell & Whitney, Editors and Proprietors. Its senior editor is William Cauldwell, late Senator from the IXth District, comprising Westchester, Putnam, and Rockland Counties, and now the Democratic candidate for re-election. From yesterday’s issue of that _Sunday Mercury_, we copy the following advertisements, omitting only the addresses of the respective advertisers:--

TWO YOUNG MEN, residents of New-York, of some means, are desirous of
forming the acquaintance of two ladies between the ages of sixteen and
twenty-two, with a view to sociability and quiet enjoyment. To those
that are worthy, pecuniary assistance will be willingly rendered, if
necessary. Those employed in some light occupation preferred. Address,
appointing interview, ---- and ----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN, aged twenty-five, would be pleased to form the
acquaintance of a young lady, or widow, under twenty-five years of
age. Must be educated, and of good reputation. One engaged during the
day preferred. A desirable party will meet with a permanent friend.
Disreputable parties need not answer this. Address in confidence for
ten days, ---- ----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN of means, alone in this city, desires the acquaintance of
a respectable, genteel young lady of refinement, who is, like himself,
friendless and alone; the most honorable secrecy observed. Address,
with full particulars, ----, Mercury office, 128 Fulton-st., New-York.

* * * * *

A FRENCH GENTLEMAN, newly arrived in this country and lonely, wishes
to form the acquaintance of a lady who could prove as true a friend to
him as he would be to her. Address, in confidence, as discretion will
be absolute, ----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A YOUNG GENTLEMAN would like to make the acquaintance of an
affectionate and sociable young lady who would appreciate a true
friend; one residing in Brooklyn preferred. Address ----, box 3, 761
New-York P.O.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN OF MEANS wishes to make the acquaintance of a young lady
of sixteen to eighteen years (blonde preferred); one who would
appreciate a companion and friend may find one by addressing ----,
Mercury office.

* * * * *

A YOUNG WIDOW would like to make the acquaintance of an elderly
gentleman of means, who would be willing to assist her, in return for
true friendship. No triflers need answer. Address ----, Station E.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN, thirty years of age, with some leisure time at his
disposal, would like the acquaintance of a handsome young lady,
resident of Brooklyn. Address, stating age and other particulars,
----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A KIND, ELDERLY GENTLEMAN, a stranger, wishes to enjoy the society of
an agreeable young lady. Address ----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN of position desires the society of a young lady or widow.
Would afford moderate pecuniary aid to a respectable and deserving
person. Address, with particulars, appointing interview, ----, Mercury
office.

* * * * *

A STRANGER in New-York desires a few lady correspondents whom he can
call upon, and who would be pleased to accompany him to theatres, &c.
Address ----, New-York University.

* * * * *

A YOUNG MAN of refined taste would like to meet with a good-looking
lady (not above twenty) who is engaged during the day. Address,
appointing interview, ----, No. 4, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A LADY would like to meet with a gentleman who would thoroughly
appreciate her exclusive society. For particulars, address ----, Box
2, No. 688 Broadway.

“These are but fair specimens of columns of such advertisements which have for years appeared in the successive issues of _The Mercury_. The publishers put over them the head ‘Matrimonial,’ but the advertisers do not countenance that fraud. They use _The Mercury_ and pay for it as though it were a house of infamous resort; and, if there be any moral difference between permitting this use and keeping a house of ill-fame, we cannot see it. We do not doubt that at least One Thousand foolish girls have been ruined through the instrumentality of these shameful advertisements. Must not that be a monstrous dispensation of justice which, while Rosenzweig is (most righteously) sent to State Prison, should send Cauldwell to the Senate? What do you think of it? Electors of Westchester, Putnam, and Rockland Counties! read the above advertisements carefully, and say whether you can aid the election of Cauldwell to the Senate without sharing his guilt? Do not pretend ignorance of his iniquities: for above is the evidence which no man can gainsay. There are more such in this week’s issue, as there have been in every issue of that sheet for years. Fathers, brothers, pure men of every degree! read those infamous advertisements carefully, and then judge if you can vote to send their publisher to the Senate!” This is all very well, and extremely virtuous, but in the high-class daily journal from which it is taken there are plenty of advertisements of a character anything but beyond reproach. We are far from wishing to uphold the character of the _Mercury_, which is no more and no less than a Pandarus among papers, but the axiom, “Physician, heal thyself,” will apply to the champion of outraged innocence just quoted.

An astonishingly elaborate way of bringing the “puff pars” of enterprising and liberal tradesmen under immediate notice is shown in a weekly, possessed of considerable notoriety, that is published in California. This paper, the _San Francisco Newsletter_, has several times with pleasing candour informed the world that its opinions and advocacy are within easy purchase. Which means that those who do not think its friendship worth buying had better beware of its animosity. For those who doubt this we reproduce the following, which was probably placed on the front page of the _Newsletter_ because the directors of the company referred to refused to patronise that organ of publicity, and which has now been running for some time:--

A PERMANENT PARAGRAPHIC ADVERTISEMENT.

[RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED TO THE SPRING VALLEY WATER WORKS.]

=A miner’s inch of water= is about twenty thousand gallons. The usual
price for an inch of water in the mines is ten cents. The Spring
Valley Company sells water in large quantities at seventy-five cents
per thousand gallons, or at fifteen dollars seventy-five cents per
inch--which is one hundred and fifty-seven times the price which
miners pay. Furnished in small quantities to housekeepers, the Company
charges from thirty to fifty dollars an inch--five hundred times the
miners’ rates.

IGNOTUS.

The _Newsletter_ was originally known in England as the vehicle of a vein of humour peculiar even in America, and mainly dependent upon a contempt for all religious formalities and observances, an affectation of atheism, and an evident desire to render all those things ridiculous that believers hold most sacred. Through all this ran a vein of ability which even those who objected most to the degradation of it were bound to admit, and the smart utterances of the chief writer on the staff were not only quoted widely throughout America, but now and again found supporters among advanced journalists in England. How different now is the _Newsletter_! Its flippancy is as rampant as ever, but its attempts to make fun out of the doctrines of faith in general and Christianity in particular are of the dreariest, while in place of the cleverness which once made its columns readable there is a scurrility worthy of the typical _Stabber_ or _Rowdy Journal_. And the more its ability becomes deteriorated, the more do its abuse, its blasphemy, and its blackmailing qualities exhibit themselves. It is evident that the old leader has departed, and left in his place one whose servile imitation must have been his best credential for the office of successor.[47] But it was in reference to the _Newsletter’s_ advertisements that we commenced; though they are in truth so mixed up with its other matter that the distinction is subtle indeed. The construction of the paper is unique. Each page is complete in itself, and in the “backs” and “gutters”--the inside margins, in fact--there are numerous advertisements. The chief peculiarity, however, of the paper is that of spreading its puffs and notices about among the ordinary matter. The following extract will give some idea of the prevailing plan:--

“=Tell me=, O, thou ancient warrior,
How it is you look so strong.
Full well I know, for four-score years
You’ve wandered round--say, am I wrong?”

“I have lived for four-score years, sir,
Drinking naught but Cutter’s best.
If you want to live as long, sir,
I advise you to invest.”

* * * * *

=Shortening a Telegram.=--A gentleman took the following telegram to a
telegraph office:--“Mrs Brown, Liverpool street.--I announce with
grief the death of uncle James. Come quickly to read will. I believe
we are his heirs.--John Black.” The clerk, having counted the words,
said, “There are two words too many, sir.” “All right, cut out ‘with
grief,’” was the reply.

* * * * *

=The other afternoon= I strayed,
About the hour of four,
To see if in the town I’d find
A first-class carpet store.

I wandered round for a long time,
Until a friend did tell
Where was the only place in town--
The store of Plum & Bell.

* * * * *

=As an early morning train= stopped at the station, an old gentleman
with a cheerful countenance stepped out on the platform, and inhaling
the fresh air enthusiastically exclaimed, “Isn’t this invigorating?”
“No, sir, it’s Auchterarder,” replied the conscientious porter. The
cheerful old gentleman went back to his seat in the carriage.

* * * * *

=All that my pining spirit= in its youth
Has pictured forth of excellence, is she;
The same ideal figure full of truth,
Alike in gentleness and purity:
By Bradley & Rulofson made divine.
Oh how I love to worship at her shrine!

* * * * *

=The Man Who Struck Him.=--“Show me the man who struck O’Docherty,”
shouted a pugnacious little Irishman at an election; “show me the man
who struck O’Docherty, and I’ll--” “I am the man who struck
O’Docherty,” said a big, brawny fellow, stepping to the front; “and
what have you to say about it?” “Och, sure,” answered the small one,
suddenly collapsing, “and didn’t you do it well!”

* * * * *

=We cannot stay= thy footsteps, Time.
Thy flight no hand may bind
Save His, whose foot is on the sea,
Whose voice is in the wind.

Yet we can make a cloudy day
As bright as in sunshine,
And drive the demon care away
With draughts of Gerke Wine.

* * * * *

=Mr. John Owens=, who lately died at Jackson, aged 114, was in some
respects a remarkable man. He blushingly admitted that he had used
whisky since he was ten years old, and had chewed tobacco and smoked,
more or less, for one hundred and three years, but he never claimed
that he had seen Washington.

* * * * *

=Wherever Minerva=, the Goddess of Wisdom, presides, or Pomona, or
Ceres require book work to be done, there will be found the school and
office furniture made by Gilbert & Moore. It is universally
acknowledged to be the best that is made in this or any other State.
If once used, no other desks, stools, forms, garden seats, etc., will
ever meet with any favour. Their patent school desk, with seat
attached, is the most perfect thing we ever saw, and is as strong as
it is neat.

* * * * *

=A Yankee editor= has just had his family reinforced, whereupon he
indulges in the following poetic outburst:--

“Ring out, wild bells--and tame ones too--
Ring out the lover’s moon!
Ring out the little slips and socks,
Ring in the bib and spoon!
Ring out the Muse, ring in the nurse--
Ring in the milk and water!
Away with paper, pens, and ink--
My daughter, oh, my daughter!”

* * * * *

=The philosopher’s stone= has not yet been discovered, but modern
science has found out a means by which the energy of youth can be
imparted to those who have long passed the meridian of life. Such a
boon to mankind is the Elixir Damiana, that the well known Doctor Jose
Juniga, from whose prescription it is made, has earned a name not soon
to be forgotten. The Elixir can be procured at Chas. Langley’s, the
agent, and at all drug stores.

* * * * *

=Edmund Munger=, speaking of the time when he was a boy, says it was
the custom of school children as you passed a school-house, to make a
bow; but in these later days, as you pass a school-house, you must
keep your eye peeled, or you will get a snowball or a brickbat at the
side of your head.

* * * * *

=Help me to sing=, ye muses Nine,
In praises of that house on Pine,
Which by its name, the Saddle Rock,
All praise and say the finest stock
Of oysters in the town are there;
Both raw, and cooked with greatest care.

* * * * *

=Mr. Redpath= applied to Mr. Warner, author of “My Summer in a
Garden,” to enter the lecturing field. The genial author replied that
there was less prospect now than ever of his consenting to do so. “It
seems to me,” he wrote, “that the older I grow, the wiser I grow.”

* * * * *

=The Six-Mile House=, on the San Bruno Road, is the favourite calling
place on the road. No one ever thinks of passing without stopping to
have a word with Harry Blanken.

* * * * *

=Twenty-eight= different kinds of “bitters” sold in Rhode Island for
“strictly medicinal use” are undergoing analysis by the State Chemist
from an excise point of view.

This is the best part of the paper at the present time, and the best part of this--that is, the most original--is formed by the advertisements. There must now and again be a great run upon that edition of “Joe Miller” the proprietor keeps in his room, when the “exchanges” refuse to give out new or second-hand humorous paragraphs. We will conclude this section of our cousins’ peculiarities with the following, picked out from a Boston sheet, where it was nestled close by the biggest of the advertisements:--

=Keep on Advertising.=

Don’t fear to have a small advertisement by the side of a larger
competing one. The big one can’t eat it up.

Which, freely translated, means, “Keep on advertising, and don’t be afraid. We’ll take you, big or little, so long as you have the money, and of course we’re quite disinterested.”

In the year 1795, an English paper, speaking of the transatlantic journalism of the time, says: “As one proof of the commerce and trade of America, there are four daily papers printed in the city of New York; and it is not uncommon to enumerate 350 advertisements in a single paper. The price of an advertisement is from 1s. to 1s. 6d., and a paper sells for one penny. But what injures the beauty and authenticity of their papers is the want of a little red mark at one corner of the sheet; a blessing that has been withheld from them since the imprudent declaration of independence.” The last remark is evidently satirical. It was sixty years after this that we got rid of our glorious red mark. But we have an advertisement of some years before the declaration of independence, which is subjoined:--

_Bush Creek, Frederick’s County, Maryland_, Oct. 11, 1771.

RUN away from the subscriber, a Servant Maid named Sarah Wilson, but
has changed her name to Lady Susanna Carolina Matilda, which made the
public believe that she was her Majesty’s Sister; she has a blemish in
her right Eye, black rolled Hair, stoops in her shoulders, makes a
common practice of writing and marking her cloaths with a Crown and a
B. Whoever secures the said Servant Woman, or takes her home, shall
receive five Pistoles, besides all cost and charges.

WILLIAM DEVALL.

I entitle Michael Dalton to search the city of Philadelphia and from
thence to Charles-Town, for the said Woman.

W. D.

Sarah Wilson, who was quite an extraordinary adventuress, had been lady’s-maid to the Hon. Miss Vernon, sister to Lady Grosvenor, and whilst in her service found means to obtain admittance into the royal apartments, where she broke open a cabinet and robbed it of some jewellery of value. For this she was apprehended, tried, and sentenced to death, but through the interposition of her former mistress was reprieved, and transported to Maryland, where on her arrival she was exposed for sale, and purchased by the Mr Devall above named. She soon, however, managed to make her escape into Virginia, travelled through that colony, and through North into South Carolina. When at a proper distance from Mr Devall, she assumed the title of Princess Susanna Carolina Matilda, and passed herself off as a sister to the Queen. She was dressed in a manner likely to favour the deception, and as she had with her part of the stolen jewels, and a miniature portrait of the Queen, which by some means she had managed to conceal before her trial and during her subsequent journey, she succeeded in deceiving many of the planters. Thus she travelled from one gentleman’s house to another, affecting the manners of royalty, and admitting many of the gentry to the honour of kissing her royal hand. To some she promised governments, to others regiments, with promotions of all kinds in the Army, Navy, and Treasury. In short, she acted her part so plausibly that very few suspected her of being a deceiver. During the period of her imposture she levied heavy contributions upon some people of the highest rank in the southern colonies. At length the above advertisement appeared in the papers, and Mr Michael Dalton made his appearance in Charlestown, raising a loud hue and cry. Seeing that the game was up, her Serene Highness disappeared, and for a short time baffled the exertions of the police; but in the end she was captured and suffered condign punishment.

While on the subject of runaway slaves we will skip a few years, and so give a companion to this Cleopatra in the person of one Anthony, certainly a congenial spirit. The following is from a Raleigh paper of February 1815, in which it is preceded by the figure of a runaway negro. Anthony is evidently a paragon possessed of all a paragon’s failings, and Caleb Quotem, so renowned in farce, scarcely equalled the subject of this advertisement in the variety and whimsical nature of his accomplishments:--

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS REWARD.

RAN away from Raleigh, a month or two ago, a mulatto man, named
_Anthony_, well known in Raleigh, and many parts of the State, as
having been, for several years, the body servant of General Jones, and
mine lately as a pressman and news-carrier in the Star office. Anthony
is about twenty-five or twenty-six years of age, five feet eight or
ten inches high, is a mongrel white, has a tolerably large aquiline
nose, bushy hair, a scar on one of his cheeks; when in good humour has
a pleasing countenance.

He works and walks fast, is lively and talkative, full of anecdote,
which he tells in character with much humour; is an excellent
pressman, indifferent at distributing types, a tolerable carpenter and
joiner, a plain painter, an excellent manager of horses, drives well
and rides elegantly, having been accustomed to race riding; is fond of
cock-fighting (and of man-fighting when drunk), and is said to _heel_
and _pit_ with skill; he can bleed and pull teeth, knows something of
medicines, is a rough barber, a bad but conceited cook, a good sawyer,
can lay bricks, has worked in the corn fields, and can scratch a
little on the fiddle.

He can do many other things; and what he cannot do, he _pretends_ to
have a knowledge of. His trades and qualities are thus detailed,
because his vanity will undoubtedly lead to a display of them. His
master-vice, or rather, the parent of all his vices, is a fondness for
_strong drink_, though sometimes he will abstain for months. His
clothes cannot be described, but he carried away few or none, and ’tis
expected will appear shabbily. He is an artful fellow, and if taken up
will tell a most plausible story, and possibly show a forged pass.

In 1806 the _Connecticut Courant_ contained the following, which gives an unpleasant idea of what many wives might say in reply to the warning advertisements of desperate husbands if they only thought it worth while, or rather if they thought of it at all:--

EAST WINDSOR, U.S.

THOMAS Hutchins has advertised, that I have absented myself from _his
bed and board_, and forbid all persons trusting me on his account, and
cautioned all persons against making me any payment on his account. I
now advertise the public, that the same Thomas Hutchins came as a
fortune-teller into this town about a year ago, with a recommendation,
which, with some artful falsehoods, induced me to marry him. Of the
four wives he had before me, the last he quarrelled away; how the
other three came by their deaths, he can best inform the public: but I
caution all widows or maidens against marrying him, be their desire
for matrimony ever so strong. Should he make his advances under a
feigned name, they may look out for a little, strutting, talkative,
feeble, meagre, hatchet-faced fellow, with spindle shanks, and a
little warped in the back.

THANKFUL HUTCHINS.

There are a good many more notices in the American papers which show that conjugal infelicity is no great rarity over there. The following exquisite effusion appeared in the _Port Gibson Correspondent_ in November 1825:--

O matrimony! thou art like
To Jeremiah’s figs--
The good are very good indeed,
The bad--too sour for pigs!

WHEREAS, thank God! my wife Rachel has left my bed and board for the
hereafter mentioned provocation: this is to give notice that I will
pay no debts of her contracting after this date.--We were married
young; the match was not of our own choosing, but a made-up one
between our parents. “My dear,” says her mother, with a nose like a
gourdhandle, to her best beloved, “now if we can get our neighbour
Charles to consent to a marriage between our Rachel and his son, we
shall have no more care upon our hands, and live the rest of our days
in undisturbed repose.” Here my beloved began to whimper; the truth
is, she loved tenderly, loved another--and they knew it; he had no
property, however, and that was their only idea of happiness: but she
could not conceive how they could feast in joy upon her misery. “Hold
your tongue,” says her surly father, “don’t you think your parents
know better how to direct your attachments than you do yourself?”
“Yes, my dear,” says the mother, “you should always be governed by
your parents--they are old and experienced and you are too young to
think for yourself.” The old dad and mam forgot that they were a
runaway love match at the age of nineteen. But poor Rachel said not a
word for she was afraid of her daddy’s cowhide, that he had used
sixteen years on nobody’s back but his daughter’s. She seemed reckless
of her fate, was almost stupid, and did not know that she could alter
it for the worse. My father, by persuasion and argument, dazzled my
fancy with the eight negroes that would be her portion, “which,” said
he, “put upon the quarter section which I shall give you, will render
you independent, and you are a fool if you do not live happily with
such an angel.”--“Angel!” said I, but I said no more, for my dad (in
peace rest his ashes!) would have flown into a passion with the
rapidity that powder catches fire; and its ebullition, like the blaze,
would scorch me, I well knew.--We were married. I thought, as her
father had ruled her with so tough a whip, I could do it with a
hickory switch, and for my leniency gain her everlasting gratitude. We
have now lived together six years, and have had no offspring except a
hearty quarrel every little while. In truth I found her more spirited
than I imagined; she was always ready to tally word for word, and blow
for blow; but I never used a switch till the other day, always taking
my open hand. The other day, coming home from work, very much fatigued
and hungry, I found my wife in rather an unusual fit of passion,
scolding some pigs that had overset the buttermilk. “Rachel,” says I,
“make me some coffee.”--“Go to ----!” says she. I could not stand
this; I had never heard her swear before. “I will chastise you for
that,” says I. “Villain,” said she, “I’m determined to bear no more of
your ill usage. Instead of using the mild and conciliating language
which a husband ought to use, you always endeavour to beat me into
measures--touch me with that whip, I will leave your house, and take
my niggers with me too, so I will.” She had said such things so often
that I did not regard her, and belaboured her handsomely. The next
morning after I had gone out to work, away she bundles sure enough,
and when I came home at noon, I found the house emptied of bag and
baggage, and all the negroes taken but the three that were at work
with me. I have lived _happily_ since, however; and she may keep all
she took, if she will stay at her crooked-nose mammy’s and never
trouble my house again.

J. JOHNSTONE.

Laurence County, Miss.
Nov. 1, 1825.

This is a vigorous specimen of condensation, and contains, according to the present standard, quite enough plot for a three-volume novel, with special opportunities for essays on the horrors of slavery. If any rising authoress--we will give way to a lady--should happen to stumble across this book, and see her opportunity, we will waive all rights, as, after trying to sketch out the story, it was abandoned in despair, owing to our inability to keep our wandering attention from the next advertisement, which gives a companion picture, though the complaint is this time laid by the woman:--

$100 REWARD--For the apprehension of Lewis Turtle, a tall man, about
50 years, has considerable money and a high forehead, long face and
lantern jawed man, a bad man, with a fist like a giant, and has often
beat me, and I want him to end his days in the Penitentiary where he
belongs, and he wears a grey coat, with a very large mouth, and one
blue eye, and one blind blue eye, and a hideous looking man, and now
living with the 7th woman, and me having one child to him, and he has
gone off, and I want him brought slap up in the law, with blue pants.
He ought to be arrested and has a $100 of my money, and a bald headed
rascal, full of flattery and receipt, and she is a bad woman, and her
little girl calls him “papa” and is called Eliza Jane Tillis, and a
boy blind of one eye, and he is not a man who has got any too much
sense, nor her. And he stole $100 from me, and some of my gold and
silver, and ought to be caught and I will never live with him again,
no never, he is a disgrace. And I would like to have him caught up and
compelled to maintain me and his child, as I am his lawful wedded
wife, and have the certificate of marriage in my possession.

NANCY TURTLE.

Coherency was evidently not Nancy’s forte, and if she entertained her turtle-dove with much conversation as per sample, he was hardly to be blamed for trying a little change. In 1853 a sad and suffering husband sought consolation from the Muse, and published his lines in a Connecticut paper. Though not strictly in accordance with the rules laid down by authorities, they contain a good deal in a small space:--

Julia, my wife, has grown quite rude;
She has left me in a lonesome mood;
She has left my board,
She has took my bed,
She has gave away my meat and bread,
She has left me in spite of friends and church,
She has carried with her all my shirts.
Now ye who read this paper,
Since she cut this reckless caper,
I will not pay one single fraction
For any debt of her contraction.

LEVI ROCKWELL.

_East Windsor, Conn. Aug. 4, 1853._

Another husband also flies to verse for consolation, and records both his experiences and his determination in the following notice:--

Whereas my pet, my pretty toy,
My wife, my Lizzie J.,
Has left my bed and my employ,
With other men to stray.
I, therefore, take this to forewarn
You not to trust her with a straw,
For I will never pay her corn,
Unless compelled by law.

HENRY KANUTE.

BIG SUAMICO, Oct. 13, 1870.

Still another husband, after publishing some supposed grievances in the public prints, is made to see the error of his ways, and eats the leek in the following manner, and in a New York paper. Verse is here the sign not of the disease but of the remedy:--

WHEREAS I, Daniel Clay, through misrepresentation, was induced to post
my wife, Rhoda, in the papers; now I beg leave to inform the public,
that I have again taken her to wife, after settling all our domestic
broils in an amicable manner; so that everything, as usual, goes on
like clockwork.

Divorc’d like scissars rent in twain,
Each mourn’d the rivet out:
Now whet and riveted again,
They’ll make the old shears cut.

With a notification from a maligned as well as injured wife, this selection will probably be considered complete:--

NOTICE.

WHEREAS my husband Chas. F. Sandford, has thought proper to post me,
and accuse me of having left his bed and board without cause, etc., I
wish to make it known that the said Charlie never had a bed, the bed
and furniture belonging to me, given to me by my father; the room and
board he pretended to furnish me were in Providence, where he left me
alone, while he staid at the Valley with his “Ma.” He offered me $200
to leave him and go home, telling at the same time that I could not
stay at the place he had provided for me, and as I have never seen the
named sum, I suppose he will let me have it if I can earn the amount.
It was useless for Charlie to warn the public against trusting me on
his account, as my father has paid my bills since my marriage, as
before.

Moral.--Girls, never marry a man not weaned from his “Ma,” and don’t
marry the whole family.

ELEANOR J. SANDFORD.

North Providence, July 1, 1871.

From such advertisements as the foregoing to those which emanate from persons desirous of becoming married is but a step; though, as has been already shown, most of the applications which come under the head of Matrimonial in the New York papers hardly justify the selection. Here is one, of a fair and honourable type enough, but it is fifty years old, being from the _New York Morning Herald_ of July 2, 1824. This probably accounts for its really meaning marriage, and nothing else:--

WANTED immediately a young LADY of the following description (as a
wife) with about 2000 dollars as a patrimony: Sweet temper, spend
little, be a good housewife and born in America; and as I am not more
than 25 years of age I hope it will not be difficult to find a good
wife.

N.B.--I take my dwelling in South Second Street, No. 273. Any lady
that answers the above description will please to leave her card.

This swain in his anxiety has forgotten to give either name or initials, so we cannot take steps to see whether or not he succeeded in getting a “rale Yankee gal.” The advertisements of the present day are mainly of the character already quoted from the _Sunday Mercury_, in proof whereof we take one cut at random from a paper published three thousand miles away from that estimable journal, viz., the _San Francisco Chronicle_:--

TWO FUN-LOVING YOUNG LADIES would like to correspond with an unlimited
number of young gentlemen; object, fun. Address, Roxey Hastings and
Gracie Baker, Virginia, Nevada.

jy17 2t*

This is barefaced enough, in all conscience; but it is by no means out of the way, and will stand as a fair example of the rest.

From the _Waverley Magazine_, Boston--which is not a magazine as we understand the term, but a large broadsheet periodical--of four years back, we extract a batch of communications, which for convenience might be called matrimonial, but which have little to do with marriage:--

CORRESPONDENCE.

_Two Dollars Each Address For One Insertion._

* * * * *

A YOUNG MAN of good standing in society, of refinement and education,
desires an unlimited number of young-lady correspondents.
Respectability and education the only requisites. Object, agreeable
amusement during these long winter evenings. All letters answered.
Photographs exchanged if desired. Address GEORGE MEADE, box 125,
Middleburg, Schoharie County, N.Y.

* * * * *

TWO young gentlemen would like to correspond with a number of young
ladies, for improvement and amusement. Both are good-looking and in
good circumstances. None but members of the National Matrimonial
Association need reply. Address CASKER PLATT, box 2442, New-York City.

* * * * *

LADIES and gentlemen who wish correspondents will please send their
photograph and ten cents for particulars and photograph of
correspondent. Address “CENTRAL PERSONAL AGENCY,” Garrettsville, O.

* * * * *

A YOUNG gentleman of good character and habits desires to correspond
with some young lady, for amusement, mutual benefit, and perhaps
matrimony. Address FRED S. LORING, box 1356, St. Paul, Minn.

* * * * *

A YOUNG gentleman wishes a lady correspondent. Object, cultivation of
the heart and mind. Address, ARTHUR C. STANLEY, box 27, Letter Depot
No. 54, East Twelfth Street, New-York City.

* * * * *

WILL “Mac,” of Cambridge, who has a lady’s privilege of changing her
mind, please send her full address to J. S. W., now of Portland, Me.?

J. S. W.

* * * * *

ATTENTION.--Ladies, when you have nothing else to do write to me.
Address EDWARD BELL, box 27, Sheffield, Mass.

The same paper also contains the following. As it is published early in the year, February 5, 1870, there must have been a rare rush of the amorous to enlist themselves under its banners:--

NATIONAL MATRIMONIAL ASSOCIATION.

HAVE you joined the National Matrimonial Association? Every young lady
and gentleman will learn of many privileges and advantages to be
gained by joining the association. 13,400 members since Nov. 9.
Monthly meeting of members in different sections of the Union
alternating for convenience. Members, though strangers, can recognize
each other by means of the grip and secret signs of the association.
The circular of the association, giving all particulars, will be sent
postpaid upon receipt of ten cents. A young lady and gentleman are
wanted as agents in towns where none have been appointed. Members
wishing any information at any time need not inclose stamp. Address
“Box 686,” Hartford, Conn.

Nos. 6, 8.

Falling back from matrimony and its substitutes into the regular channel, we take a declaration which contains a theory doubtless often promulgated nowadays at Bethlehem Hospital, Colney Hatch, and maybe Earlswood. Perhaps, though, it will be considered worthy the attention of philosophers, seeing that just now any new or startling view is sure to command not only regard but remuneration:--

Light developes light--_ad infinitum_.

St. Louis (Missouri Territory) North America.

April 10, A.D. 1818.

TO ALL THE WORLD.--I declare the earth to be hollow, and habitable
within; containing a number of concentric spheres, one within the
other, and that their poles are open twelve or sixteen degrees. I
pledge my life in support of this truth, and am ready to explore the
concave, if the world will support and aid me in the undertaking.

JOHN CLEVES SYMMES
_of Ohio, late Captain of Infantry_.

I ask one hundred brave companions, well equipped, to start for
Siberia, in autumn, with reindeer and sledges, on the ice of the
frozen sea. I engage we find a warm country and rich land, stocked
with thrifty vegetables and animals, if not men, on reaching about
sixty-nine miles northward of latitude 82°. We will return in the
succeeding spring.--J. C. S.

Captain Symmes seems pretty positive about getting back, though how he intended to get up again after getting down into one of the lower spheres he doesn’t say. Perhaps a hundred brave companions, standing on each other’s heads, might manage it, and if that was the idea, one of our own learned societies might look into it. Good thick heads would of course be necessary to bear the strain, and that may be, after all, the reason why they are so plentiful. _Quien sabe?_ Far more within the ken of ordinary mortals is the following, which comes from Connecticut, and is well worthy of even that land of “notions:”--

THE SUBSCRIBER

BEING determined not to move from this State, requests all persons
indebted to pay particular attention to his

_New_ definition of an _Old_ Grammar, viz.

_Present Tense._

I am. Thou art. He is.

I am[48] } In want of money.
Thou art[49] } Indebted to me.
He is[50] } Shortly to be authorized, for the want thereof to take
} the body.

Unless immediate payment is made, you must expect to take a lecture
upon my _new plural_.

The Subscriber offers for sale, at his Store, two rods south of the
Fish-market, the following articles, viz.

_Solid Arguments._

Hot Oysters, Boiled Lobsters, Ham and Eggs, Butter and Cheese, &c.

_Agitations._

Cider, Vinegar, Salt, Pickles, etc.

_Grievances._

Pepper-Sauce, Mustard, Cayenne-Pepper.

_Punishments._

Rum, Brandy, Gin, Bitters, etc.

_Superfluities._

Snuff, Tobacco, Segars, Pomatum, etc.

_Extraordinaries._