Chapter XI: Curious and Eccentric Advertisements (2)

TO THE BROTHERS CHEERYBLE, or any who have hearts like theirs. A
clergyman, who will gladly communicate his name and address, desires
to introduce the case of a gentleman, equal at least to Nickleby in
birth, worthy, like him, for refinement of character, even of the best
descent; like him, of spotless integrity, and powerfully beloved by
friends who cannot help him, but no longer, like Nickleby, sustained
by the warm buoyancy of youthful blood. The widowed father of young
children, he has spent his all in the struggles of an unsuccessful but
honourable business, and has now for eighteen months been vainly
seeking some stipendiary employment.--To all who have ever known him
he can refer for commendation. Being well versed in accounts, though
possessed of education, talents, and experience, which would render
him invaluable as a private secretary, he would accept with gratitude
even a clerk’s stool and daily bread. Any communication addressed to
the Rev. B. C., Post-office, Cambridge, will procure full particulars,
ample references, and the introduction of the party, who is now in
town, and ignorant of this attempt to serve him.

Dickens, knowing his power at that time, must have laughed in his sleeve at the trick he was playing the professional swindler when he portrayed the brothers; though, if we are to believe what we are told in the preface to a subsequent edition of his book, the noble army of begging-letter writers and suchlike impostors had ample revenge, for he was pestered nearly to death with importunities to reveal the real name and address of purely mythical characters. Inventors of appeals to the benevolent, either by way of letter or advertisement, are a hard-working race, and must find the task of enlisting sympathy much more difficult than it was when Mr Puff tided over a time of misfortune by aid of the charitable and credulous. It is possible even now, despite the efforts of societies and detectives who give themselves entirely to the work of unmasking counterfeits, to find one or two of those heart-stirring appeals to the benevolent which have maintained many an impostor in idleness for years together. Like Puff did in his time, though evidently less and less successfully, these advertisers support themselves upon their inventions by means of the proceeds of addresses “to the charitable and humane,” or “to those whom providence has blessed with affluence.” The account which Puff gives of his fictitious misfortunes so little exaggerates the advertisements which appear occasionally in the _Times_, that it is well to the point, and worthy of quoting. “I suppose,” he says, “never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time. I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence by a train of unavoidable misfortunes. Then, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and lost my little all both times. I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs. That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself! Afterwards, I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend. I was then reduced to--oh no!--then I became a widow with six helpless children. Well, at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my conscience.”

But leaving “The Critic,” and the ideas which the specimens just given have promoted, we will fall back upon an advertisement of a truly humorous nature, which is given to the world as long back as 1816. What householder who has improved his dwelling for the benefit of a grasping proprietor will not sympathise with the writer of this?--

WANTED IMMEDIATELY, to enable me to leave the house which I have for
these last five years inhabited, in the same plight and condition in
which I found it, 500 LIVE RATS, for which I will gladly pay the sum
of £5 sterling; and as I cannot leave the farm attached thereto in the
same order in which I got it, without at least Five Millions of
Docks, Dockens (weeds), I do hereby promise a further sum of £5 for
said number of Dockens. Apply ----.

Dated, 31 October, 1816.

N.B. The Rats must be full grown, and no cripples.

In close companionship with the above we find another, which for peculiarity is quite as noticeable. The advertiser has evidently studied humanity without receiving much benefit from his researches, unless the knowledge that he is vastly superior to every one else is a benefit. If the advertisement were not a swindle, of which it seems very suggestive, it is not unreasonable to suppose that failure attended upon it, for no man who believed to such an extent in himself could ever be brought to have faith in another:--

IT is the general desire of princes and opulent men to live
friendless--they gain obsequiousness, adulation, and dependents, but
not friends: the sycophants that surround them disappear when the lure
that attracted them is lost: beguiled by blandishments, deceived by
hypocrisy, and lulled by professions they do not discover imposture
till adversity detects it. The evil is unbounded--they never obtain a
sincere opinion, whether regarding pecuniary embarrassment or domestic
dissension--in any perplexed or unhappy event they receive no counsel
but that which benefits the sinister views of him who gives it. Of
what advantage is fortune if it transforms friends into parasites, and
we are to live in constant delusion; or isolated and secluded, we must
exist like hermits to shun intercourse with our fellow-beings, and
escape perfidy? One whose affluence precludes speculation, who has
proved himself undaunted in danger and unshaken in fidelity, proffers
his friendship to him who deserves it, and will know how to appreciate
it;--his reading has not afforded mere abstract knowledge, but has
been rendered auxiliary for a vast intercourse with the world; years
have furnished experience, reflection has improved it. His advice and
aid he hopes is not insignificant, be the station of him who requires
them ever so elevated. As there can be no independence where there is
not equality of circumstances, no one of inferior condition can be
noticed.

Still about the same period we come upon the advertisement of an Irish schoolmaster, which for inflation, pomposity, and ignorance is perhaps unrivalled. It is only fair, while quoting this, to say that Mr Hendrick is not by any means a good specimen of the Irish teacher, who is, as a rule, modest, conscientious, and chokeful of learning. This extract forcibly reminds us of one of Samuel Lover’s characters:--

MR HENDRICK’S DEVOIR TO THE GENTRY OF LIMERICK.

WOULD be elated to assign his attention for the instruction of eight
or ten Pupils, to attend on their houses each second day, to teach the
French language, Geography on the Principles of Astronomy, traversing
the Globe by sea and land on the rudiments of a right angle, with a
variety of pleasing Problems, attached to Manners, Customs, &c. of
different Countries, Trade and Commerce; Phenomenons on Volcanos,
Thunder, Sound, Lightning, &c. Such as please to continue, may advance
through a Course of Natural Philosophy, and those proficient in French
can be taught the above in that Language.

N.B. At intervals would instruct in the Italian Language.

Please to inquire at Mr Barry, Newtown-Perry.

J. HENDRICK, _Philomathos_.

In a Jersey newspaper for December 1821 there is a very funny advertisement for a lost dog--so funny indeed is it that it seems more than likely to have been a hoax, or a hit at the peculiarly broken English identified with the Channel Islands. Still it appears as an advertisement, and so we append it:--

LOSE.--Dere ave bin von doge, dat vil replay to de appel of “Outre;”
he is betwin de couleur of de vite and de bruin, dere is belif he was
delay by some personne on propos, as he was vont by de oner on Monday
next for to come to de chasse, as he kno vere was de hairs. Applie of
de oner at de Printure.

As a companion, here is the following from the _Handelsblad_ of Amsterdam. It is much more natural than the Jersey effusion, and is evidently an attempt to write the language known on the Continent and abroad generally as American. It will be recollected that one of the last requests of the Emperor Nicholas during the Crimean war was that, in gratitude for the efforts at assistance made by the good people of the United States, the cadets in the military schools should be taught the American language. This must be near to his idea of it:--

MEDAILLE of SILVER at New-York.

MEDAILLE of GOLD at Paris, London and Berlin.

The very celebrated AMERICAN-BALSAM, notwithstanding the great
competition, preserve the preference; wherefore, did is your question
because every body is content with his expectation and recommend this
balsam indeed.

The under signed have by experience of himself following the working
of this balsam and may be rejoicing to offer an his honorables
fellow-citizens and compatriots a very excellent remedy to prevent the
sally of hair, to dissiporte the erysipelas; and than the greatest
desire of man consist to recover the hair upon their bald-spates, it
is reading every day in the newspapers, but none annonce, as the under
signed has the right to do it with contract _NO HAIR NO MONNEY_.

The prevent imitation none than THEOPHILE is sole agent for the
Netherlands, St. Nicholasstreet at Amsterdam. Ladys! Perriwigs! curls,
tress shall be dying very beautiful is every colours, of light haired
to black.

Bony inspection of a long wigt tress, with teen differents coleurs.

On December 23, 1823, the following droll advertisement appeared in the _Morning Herald_. It was probably a satire on the manners and customs of quasi-fashionables of the day, though why any one should be so anxious to mark his disapprobation of the state of affairs as to pay for the publication of his satires we really are not prepared to say:--

WANTED, for the ensuing London Campaign, a CHAPERON, who will
undertake the charge of two young ladies, now making their entrée into
fashionable life; she must possess a constitution impervious to
fatigue and heat, and be perfectly independent of sleep; _au fait_ at
the mysteries of Whist and Cassino, and always ready to undertake a
round game, with a supper appetite of the most moderate description:
any personal charms, which might interfere by her acting as a foil to
her charges, will be deemed inadmissible; and she must be totally
divested of matrimonial pretensions on her own account, having
sufficient experience in the _beau monde_ to decide with promptitude
on the eligibility of invitations with an instinctive discrimination
of Almack men, and eldest sons. Address to Louisa, Twopenny Post
Office, Great Mary-le-bone-street.

N.B. No Widow from Bath or Cheltenham will be treated with.

In the _Times_, at the close of the year 1826, an advertisement appeared, which ran as follows:--

TO SCHOOL ASSISTANTS.--Wanted, a respectable GENTLEMAN of good
character, capable of TEACHING the CLASSICS as far as Homer and
Virgil. Apply ----

There is nothing noticeable in this, the reader will think, nor is there; but the sequel, which is told in a number of the now leading journal a few days afterwards, will perhaps repay perusal. A day or two after the advertisement had appeared, the gentleman to whom application was to be made received a letter as follows: “Sir--With reference to an advertisement which were inserted in the _Times_ newspaper a few days since, respecting a school assistant, I beg to state that I should be happy to fill that situation; but as most of my frends reside in London, and not knowing how far Homer and Virgil is from town, I beg to state that I should not like to engage to teach the classics farther than Hammersmith or Turnham Green, or at the very utmost distance farther than Brentford.--Wating your reply, I am, Sir, &c. &c., John Sparks.” The errors in orthography and syntax have been copied as in the letter, but we fancy the matter looks suspiciously like a hoax. The editor, however, thinks otherwise, and after appending a few remarks, says, “This puts us in mind of a person who once advertised for a ‘_strong coal heaver_,’ and a poor man calling upon him the day after, saying, ‘he had not got such a thing as a _strong coal heaver_, but he had brought a _strong coal scuttle_, made of the best iron; and if that would answer the purpose, he should have it a bargain.’” About this time the following request for a minister was published in the _Monthly Mirror_, and doubtless applications were numerous for the engagement:--

WANTED, for a newly erected Chapel, near Grosvenor Square, a gentleman
of elegant manners, and insinuating address, to conduct the
theological department to a refined audience. It is not necessary that
he believe in the Thirty-nine Articles; but it is expected that he
should possess a white hand and a diamond ring; he will be expected to
leave out vulgar ideas, and denunciations against polite vices which
he may meet with in the Bible; and, upon no account, be guilty of
wounding the ears of his auditory with the words h----ll, or d----n.
One who lisps, is near-sighted, and who has a due regard for amiable
weaknesses, will be preferred.

N.B.--If he is of pleasing and _accommodating_ manners, he will have a
chance of being introduced to the first company, and three card
parties every Sunday evening. One who knows a few college jokes, or
who has been Chaplain to the Whip Club, will be preferred. He will
have no occasion to administer Baptism, &c. &c. there being an old
gentleman employed, who, on account of extreme distress, has agreed,
for ten pounds per annum, to preach in the afternoon, and do all the
under work.

Letters must be addressed to James Speculate, Esq., Surveyor’s Office,
New Square, Mary-le-Bone.

Apropos of the foregoing, “The Goodfellow’s Calendar,” a handbook of humorous anecdote and criticism for nearly every day in the year--some stray leaves of which have found their way into our possession--gives some account of a parson who, it says, would have been eminently fitted for the situation. “The Rev. R. C. Maturin, Curate of St. Peter’s, Dublin, and author of one of the most immoral and trumpery tragedies, ‘Bertram,’ that ever disgraced the stage, or gratified the low taste of an acting manager, died October 30th 1824. This exemplary pillar of the Established Church was exceedingly vain, both of his person and accomplishments, and as his income would not allow him to attract attention by the splendour of his dress and manners, he seldom failed to do so by their singularity. Mr Maturin was tall, slender, but well proportioned, and on the whole a good figure, which he took care to display in a well-made black coat tightly buttoned, and some odd light-coloured stocking-web pantaloons, surmounted, in winter, by a coat of prodigious dimensions, gracefully thrown on, so as not to obscure the symmetry it affected to protect. The Curate of St. Peters sang and danced, and prided himself on performing the movements and evolutions of the quadrille, certainly equal to any other divine of the Established Church, if not to any private lay gentleman of the three kingdoms. It often happened, too, that Mr. Maturin, either laboured under an attack of gout or met with some accident, which compelled the use of a slipper or bandage on one foot or one leg; and by an unaccountable congruity of mischances he was uniformly compelled on these occasions to appear in the public thoroughfares of Dublin, where the melancholy spectacle of a beautiful limb in pain never failed to excite the sighs and sympathies of all the interesting persons who passed, as well as to prompt their curiosity to make audible remarks or inquiries respecting the possessor.” We are much afraid that the vanity of Mr Maturin was not wonderfully peculiar, and with due allowance for those differences in our styles of dress and living which have been made in fifty years, it would not be difficult to find ministers of the gospel who would prove strong rivals to the curate of St Peter’s.

In 1825 the _New Times_ presented the public with the original of that singular advertisement which has been so often quoted as an Irish bull, but which would appear to be home-bred: “Wanted by a Surgeon residing at Guildford, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family.” The Hibernian companion to this would most fitly be the Dublin editor’s statement, in reference to a newly-invented laundry machine, that by its use every man would probably become his own washerwoman. From washerwomen to general servants is but a step, and so from the _Times_ of five-and-twenty years back we extract a model specimen, supposed to emanate from that rarest of _raræ aves_, a pattern domestic:--

DO YOU WANT A SERVANT? Necessity prompts the question. The advertiser
OFFERS his SERVICES to any lady or gentleman, company, or others, in
want of a truly faithful, confidential servant in any capacity not
menial, where a practical knowledge of human nature in various parts
of the world would be available. Could undertake any affair of small
or great importance, where talent, inviolable secrecy, or good address
would be necessary. Has moved in the best and worst societies without
being contaminated by either; has never been a servant, begs to
recommend himself as one who knows his place; is moral, temperate,
middle-aged; no objection to any part of the world. Could advise any
capitalist wishing to increase his income and have the control of his
own money. Could act as secretary or valet to any lady or gentleman.
Can give advice or hold his tongue, sing, dance, play, fence, box,
preach a sermon, tell a story, be grave or gay, ridiculous or sublime,
or do anything from the curling of a peruke to the storming of a
citadel--but never to excel his master. Address ----.

Differing considerably, and yet much in the same line, is the following, which is amusing from the amount of confidence the writer possesses in his own powers, and the small value he sets upon the attainments of those who possess that most valuable qualification of all--property. The offer never to be better than his patron is a condescension indeed from such a paragon:--

TO INDEPENDENT GENTLEMEN.--Wanted by a respectable, modest young man,
who can produce a cubic yard of testimonials, a living without a
master--that is, he wishes to become a companion to some gentleman,
and be his factotum. He can ride, shoot, sing, fish (but never better
than his patron without he is wanted), keep accounts, see that
servants do their duty, do twenty other things, equally necessary in
this life, and make it his whole duty to please and be pleased. Any
one seriously wishing such a person, may address, post paid to Z., to
be left at ----.

Advertisements from the other side--from employers--are also noticeable now and again, as this will show:--

BOARD AND RESIDENCE FOR WORK.--An old literary gentleman invites two
widow ladies, about forty, to assist him in doing without servants,
except a charwoman once a week. One lady must undertake entrées,
soups, and jellies. Both must be strong and healthy, so that the work
may be rather pleasant than irksome; two-thirds of it being for their
own comfort, as no company is ever kept. A private sitting-room.
Laundry free. All dining together at seven o’clock. References of
mercantile exactness required.--Address A. B., ---- stating age and
full particulars of antecedent position, &c.

This old literary gentleman was wise in his generation, as his offer, though very plausible, meant nothing less than obtaining two servants without wages, and society as well. Possibly, however, the fact of the ladies being widows was supposed, upon the principle of Tony Weller, to compensate for shortcomings in the way of salary. Other applications for a superior class of servants deserve attention, the following modest offer for a governess being a case in point:--

WANTED, in a gentleman’s family, a young lady, as NURSERY GOVERNESS,
to instruct two young ladies in French, music, and singing, with the
usual branches of education, and to take the entire charge of their
wardrobe. She must be of a social disposition and fond of children,
and have the manners of a gentlewoman, as she will be treated as one
of the family. Salary twelve guineas per annum. Address ----.

All for the small price of twelve guineas per annum, about half what a decent housemaid expects, and with less than half the liberty of a scullion. Yet this advertisement appeared in the _Times_, and is but the representative of others of the same kind, not one of which is supposed to betray meanness or poverty of spirit on the part of its originator. For twelve guineas a year, the poverty-stricken orphan or daughter of some once rich speculator is to teach French, music, singing, writing, arithmetic, geography, history, and other of the “usual branches of education,” to two young ladies, who it is only fair to expect would be much more like the brassfounder’s daughter who objected to Ruth Pinch than similar to the charge of Becky Sharp when she occupied a governess’s position. In addition to the drudgery of teaching, there is the charge of the young ladies’ wardrobe, which means an occupation of itself; and then comes--oh, worst of all!--the social disposition, by which is undoubtedly meant a capacity for doing whatever any other member of the family may object to do--for being the drudge of the drawing-room when the little tyrants of the nursery are abed and asleep. By the manners of a gentlewoman is understood a capacity for receiving studied insult without resentment, and by treatment as one of the family such care and comfort as would cause the cook to take her instant departure. And all this for twelve guineas per annum! This may be called an overdrawn picture, but that is what is said of most self-evident facts. And what father worthy of the name would die easily if he thought that his tenderly-nurtured daughters were likely to be grateful for the protection and the salary offered in the foregoing specimen advertisement? Yet many a young girl has suddenly found herself divested of every luxury, and subject to the tender mercies of those who regard a nursery governess as “one of the family.” There is an old story in reference to the selection of governesses which is worth repeating here. A lady wrote to her son requesting him to find a teacher for his sisters, and enumerating a long list of qualifications, somewhat similar to those generally expected in a pretentious family. The son seems to have been wiser than his mother, for he replied stating that he had studied the requirements, and that when he found a young lady possessed of them all, he should endeavour to engage her, not as a governess for his sisters, but as a wife for himself. Marriage alters women, however, as the subjoined notice from an Irish paper proves to the most sceptical:--

RUN AWAY FROM PATRICK M‘DALLAGH.--Whereas my wife Mrs Bridget
M‘Dallagh, is again walked away with herself, and left me with her
four small children, and her poor old blind mother, and nobody else to
look after house and home, and, I hear, has taken up with Tim Guigan,
the lame fiddler--the same that was put in the stocks last Easter for
stealing Barday Doody’s gamecock.--This is to give notice, that I will
not pay for bite or sup on her or his account to man or mortal, and
that she had better never show the mark of her ten toes near my home
again.

PATRICK M‘DALLAGH.

N.B. Tim had better keep out of my sight.

Mrs Bridget seems to have been in the habit of straying from the path of virtue and her husband’s home, which, if we are to believe Irish poets and orators, must have been very exceptional behaviour in the land of “virtue and Erin.” As if to provide against similar emergency, a Parisian puts forth an advertisement, the translation of which runs thus:--

A gentleman in his twenty-sixth year, tired of the dissipation of the
great world, is forming a comfortable establishment in one of the
least frequented quarters of the city. His domestics are a coachman,
cook, three footmen and a chambermaid. He is in search of a young girl
of good family to improve this honourable situation: she must be well
educated, accomplished, and of an agreeable figure, and will be
entertained in the quality of _demoiselle de compagnie_. She shall
receive the utmost attention from the household, and be as well served
in every respect as, or even better than, if she were its mistress.

As just now there is constant change of opinion as to what forms the best pavement for the streets with the greatest traffic, as the stones which seemed to be agreed on for ever are every day becoming more and more disliked, and as the main difference now is which is likely to prove the more profitable change, asphalt or wood, the following, from the _Times_ of 1851, may not be uninteresting:--

WOOD PAVEMENT.--All poor and distressed cabriolet proprietors and
others, wheresoever dispersed, are particularly requested to FORWARD
to us immediately PROVED ACCOUNTS in writing of all ACCIDENTS to and
DEATHS of HORSES, and Personal and other Casualties, in order that the
several parishes may respectfully, in the first place be
extra-judicially called on to repay all damages (at our offices),
within one calendar month of our respective applications, or otherwise
have proceedings taken against them respectively in the County Courts,
or under superior jurisdictions, and be so judicially and speedily
made to pay on account of entering into ex-parte contracts rendering
life and limb and travelling generally unsafe and dangerous in the
extreme, and so continuing the bad state of the wood pavement; for no
contracts can be lawful and right unless impliedly perused and
approved of on behalf of the public generally.

Cole and Scott, Solicitors, 12 Furnival’s Inn and Notting Hill.

If the “London stones” become things of the past, they and their advocates will be revenged by the undoubted fact that whatever follows them will, after the novelty has worn off, be just as much abused as its predecessor, and most likely changed much more speedily. Deserving of attention, too, though on a totally different matter, is the following. It seems hard to believe that a London tradesman could believe he was likely to get his note back by informing a man what he must have already known; but such is the case. This must be what is known as “throwing good money after bad:”--

CORAL NECKLACE.--The gentleman who purchased a coral necklace in
Bishopsgate-street, on Monday last received in change for a £20 note a
FIVE-POUND NOTE too much. He is requested to RETURN it.

Vulgar people would say that the buyer of the coral necklace changed his name to Walker after this. But changes of name are not legal unless duly advertised. Speaking of advertising changes of name, a title by which those lodging-house pests, bugs, are now often known, that of Norfolk Howards, is derived from an advertisement in which one Ephraim Bug avowed his intention of being for the future known as Norfolk Howard. We have never seen this announcement, but have noticed many others, the appended being a specimen, though of a much less sensational kind than that we have just referred to:--

NOTICE.--I, the undersigned THOMAS HUGHES FORDE DAVIES, of Abercery,
in the county of Cardigan, Esq., do hereby Give Notice, that I shall,
on and after the 1st day of October, 1873, ASSUME the names THOMAS
HUGHES FORDE HUGHES, instead of the names of Thomas Hughes Forde
Davies, by which last-mentioned names I have hitherto been known and
described. And I do hereby request and direct all persons whomsoever
to address and describe me as Thomas Hughes Forde Hughes, and not
otherwise. And I further Give Notice, that I have executed the
necessary Deed Poll in that behalf, and cause the same to be enrolled
in her Majesty’s High Court of Chancery.--Dated this 29th day of
September, 1873.

THOMAS HUGHES FORDE DAVIES.

There is a good deal in a name in the present day, and there are some names which for obvious reasons do not smell as sweet as roses, and therefore require changing. This observation does not, of course, refer to the change from Davies to Hughes, of which we know absolutely nothing, except that it appeared in the _Standard_ of October 1873. As there seems little to choose between the two names, it is fair to assume that family reasons or property qualifications led to the alteration. In the interest of those good people who sincerely believe in appearances, we select our next example from the columns of the _Times_. Those, also, who are in the habit of asking what good there is in a University education will do well to ponder over these lines:--

ARTICLED ASSISTANT.--If the GENTLEMAN who called at Messrs ---- and
---- 29, Poultry, on Thursday the 20th February in answer to an
advertisement in that day’s _Times_ for “An Articled Assistant” will
CALL again at the office to which he was referred, and where he stated
that he was a Cambridge man &c., no doubt satisfactory arrangements
can be made, as appearance is the chief object.

Appearance is indeed the chief object of attention at the present day, and its influence goes much farther than people imagine, even at the very time they are subscribing to it. Not alone does it affect the positions of the drapers’ young man, the shop-walker, and the modern _jeune premier_, the latter of whom may be an idiot so long as he is young, tall, slim, and good-looking, but it materially influences a higher class of society. Day after day we see men credited, by means of lying heads and faces, with the qualifications and abilities they do not possess; and, on the other hand, we as frequently find the mildest and most benevolent of gentlemen regarded as desperate characters or hard-fisted old curmudgeons. No one will nowadays believe that a man who does not look very clever or very foolish can do anything in literature or the arts above the common run; and the most frequent exclamation to be heard after a real celebrity has been seen is one of disappointment, so little will he bear comparison with the ideal. Appearances were never more deceptive, and never more believed in, than they are now.

Stories of advertising tombstones, some true, some apocryphal, are plentiful, and the best of those in which reliance can be placed is that about the Parisian grocer. It is well known that at the Père la Chaise Cemetery, near Paris, there stands, or stood, in a conspicuous position, a splendid monument to Pierre Cabochard, grocer, with a pathetic inscription, which closes thus:--

His inconsolable widow
dedicates this monument to his memory
and continues the same business at the
old stand, 187, Rue Mouffetard.

A gentleman who had noticed the inscription was led by curiosity to call at the address indicated. Having expressed his desire to see the widow Cabochard, he was immediately ushered into the presence of a fashionably-dressed and full-bearded man, who asked him what was the object of his visit. “I come to see the widow Cabochard.” “Well, sir, here she is.” “I beg your pardon, but I wish to see the lady in person.” “Sir, I am the widow Cabochard.” “I don’t exactly understand you. I allude to the relict of the late Pierre Cabochard, whose monument I saw yesterday at the Père la Chaise.” “I see, I see,” was the smiling rejoinder. “Allow me to inform you that Pierre Cabochard is a myth, and therefore never had a wife. The tomb you admired cost me a good deal of money, and, although no one is buried there, it proves a first-rate advertisement, and I have had no cause to regret the expense. Now, sir, what can I sell you in the way of groceries?” The art of mingling mourning and money-making was still better illustrated in the following notice of a death in a Spanish paper:--

This morning our Saviour summoned away the jeweller, Siebald Illmaga,
from his shop to another and a better world. The undersigned, his
widow, will weep upon his tomb, as will also his two daughters, Hilda
and Emma; the former of whom is married, and the latter is open to an
offer. The funeral will take place to-morrow.--His disconsolate widow,
Veronique Illmaga. P. S. This bereavement will not interrupt our
employment which will be carried on as usual, only our place of
business will be removed from No. 3, Tessi de Teinturiers to No. 4,
Rue de Missionaire, as our grasping landlord has raised our rent.

Advertisements which now and again appear in the _Times_ from people who seek employment or money are both curious and eccentric, and in none of them do the writers suffer at all from bashfulness or modest ideas of their own qualifications. In this, which is an appeal for a situation, the constructor describes himself as

A CHARACTER.--The noblemen and gentlemen of England are respectfully
informed that the advertiser is a self-taught man--a “genius.” He has
travelled (chiefly on foot) through the United Kingdom of Great
Britain and Ireland, in Holland, Germany, Switzerland, Belgium,
France, and Italy. He has conducted a popular periodical, written a
work of fiction in three vols., published a system of theology,
composed a drama, studied Hamlet, been a political lecturer, a
preacher, a village schoolmaster, a pawnbroker, a general shopkeeper;
has been acquainted with more than one founder of a sect, and is now
(he thanks Providence) in good health, spirits, and character, out of
debt, and living in charity with all mankind. During the remainder of
his life he thinks he would feel quite at home as secretary,
amanuensis, or companion to any nobleman or gentleman who will engage
a once erratic but now sedate being, whose chief delight consists in
seeing and making those around him cheerful and happy. Address A. Z.,
at Mr. ----’s, ---- Street, Regent’s Park.

As a rule, when people break out in this style they are much more in want of the money than the work, although they cloak their actual desires under the guise of applications for situations or employment. There are not a few, however, who come boldly to the point, as the following, also from the _Times_, shows:--

A MAN OF RANK, holding a distinguished public office, moving in the
highest society, and with brilliant prospects--has been suddenly
called upon to pay some thousands of pounds, owing to the default of a
friend for whom he had become guarantee. As his present means are
unable to meet this demand, and he can offer no adequate security for
a loan, the consequence must be ruin to himself and his family,
unless some individual of wealth and munificence will step forward to
avert this calamity, by applying £4000 to his rescue. For this he
frankly avows that he can, in present circumstances, offer no other
return than his gratitude. A personal interview, however painful, will
be readily granted, in the confidence that the generosity of his
benefactor will be the best guarantee for his delicate observance of
secrecy. He hopes his distressing condition will protect him from the
prying of heartless curiosity, and to prevent the approaches of
money-holders, he begs to repeat that he can give no security. Address
to “Anxious,” General Post Office, London.

For the benefit of those who are curious about men of rank, and in the interests of those who may like to speculate as to who this holder of a distinguished public office may have been, we will state that the advertisement appeared just thirty years ago. There were then, and have been since, many men in office who wanted four thousand pounds; in fact it would be a hard matter to find a man anywhere to whom that amount--or, for the matter of that, a good bit less--would not be agreeable. That these advertisements were not altogether fruitless, this, from the _Times_ of February 1851, would seem to show:--

TRURO.--The generous friend who transmitted from this place under
cover to the Secretary, G.P.O. an ENVELOPE containing a SUM of MONEY
is gratefully informed that the individual for whom it was intended
was relieved by it to an extent of which he can form no conception,
and is earnestly entreated COMMUNICATE, if not his name, at least an
address to which a letter may be sent.

W. H.

Men reduced in circumstances seem to have less and less chance as the world gets older. There would not be much good got out of an advertisement for money nowadays, whatever the original position of advertiser, unless he could promise something in return. His promise might be quite impossible of performance, but still it would be something; and if we are to judge by most of the swindling advertisements which have succeeded in taking in thousands of people, the more improbable the undertaking the more probable the success. Here is another man of high rank, of later date, who only asks for employment. A good pinch of salt must, we think, be taken with the concluding sentence of the application:--

IT WOULD BE A NOBLE ACT OF HUMANITY if any generous and kind-hearted
individual would procure or grant EMPLOYMENT to a suffering
individual, in whose behalf this appeal is made. He is of high rank,
education, and manners, and in every point of view fit to fill any
situation. He is without influential friends, and from complicated
frauds and misfortunes, is unable to continue the education of eight
lovely children. He seeks nothing for himself, except to be so placed,
giving to the hands of his kind benefactor all he receives for his
children’s present and future support. This will save him from a
broken heart. Any situation that will enable him to effect this object
will be received with heartfelt gratitude, and filled with honour,
assiduity, and fidelity. Most respectable reference, &c. N.B. No
pecuniary assistance can be received. Address ----.

A man of “high rank, education, and manners,” without influential friends, is certainly an anomaly in this country; and the “eight lovely children” forcibly remind us of the large families which begging-letter impostors and cadgers generally have constantly at home, hungering not so much for education as for bread and meat. The mention of high birth reminds us of the many advertisements which have in the course of years appeared from people who, not satisfied with being rich, seek to be fashionable, and who offer free quarters and other advantages to any one possessed of the _entrée_ to Society, and yet not over-gifted with the more solid blessings of this world. Of course these generally appear in the most fashionable papers, and the specimen which follows is taken from the _Morning Post_ of half-a-dozen years ago. With the exception that it mentions foreign towns, it is almost identical with others which have appeared in reference to our own most exclusive circles:--

SEASONS at SPA and BRUSSELS.--A Lady and Gentleman, well connected,
offer to RECEIVE as their GUEST, free of all expense, a lady or a
gentleman of family, who, in sole return for the freedom of home,
could give the entrée into Belgian society. Spa in the summer,
Brussels in the winter. A small establishment. A good cook. The
highest references.--Address P. R., Poste Restante, Brussels.

Such notices as this go far to prove the truth of the saying that there are blessings beyond price, that is, of course, always supposing the advertisements were unsuccessful. We shall never in future meet any loud vulgar person in Society--provided we are ever admitted within the sacred portal--without suspecting him of having crawled in by means of bribery. Yet our suspicions may alight upon the very leaders of _ton_; for, so far, the most vulgar men we ever met--among gentlemen--were a horse-racing earl and a coach-driving viscount, and they could have been backed against any four men in that army, the peculiarities of which, while in the Low Countries, will be found recorded in “Tristram Shandy.” Among other advertisements in the columns of the leading journal, worthy of notice in this chapter, are those singular effusions which appear at intervals, especially during any period of political effervescence, and which consist of mad schemes, the offspring of enthusiastic patriots and headlong regenerators of the nation. The following is a fair specimen of these:--

TO THE MINISTERS OF STATE, NOBILITY, AND COMMUNITY AT LARGE.--A Remedy
for the distresses of England. Every considerate person admits the
present condition of society to be perfectly anomalous. A remedy has
at length been discovered--a remedy which would effectually arrest the
progress of pauperism, confer incalculable benefits upon the
industrial community, and diffuse joy and gladness throughout the
length and breadth of the land, making England (without exaggeration)
the envy of surrounding nations, and the admiration of the world. The
plan possesses the peculiar merit of being practicable, and easy of
application, without in the slightest degree infringing the rights of
property as by law established, or in any way disturbing the present
relations of society. The advertiser will communicate his discovery
either to the ministers of state, nobility, or those who may take an
interest in the wellbeing of society, on condition of his receiving
(if his plans are approved, and made available for the purposes
contemplated) £100,000. “If the nation be saved, it is not to be saved
by the ordinary operations of statesmanship.”--Lord Ashley. Address
----.

In this chapter, the mysterious “personal” advertisements which years ago were so frequent and so extraordinary--but which now are rarely noticeable except when devoted to the purposes of puffing tradesmen, or when they are more than ordinarily stupid--must naturally receive attention. Now and again a strange announcement attracts a little curiosity in the present day; but for good specimens of the dark and mysterious advertisement we must go back twenty years, and by so doing we shall be enabled at the same time to give a very good reason why people who correspond through the public papers in cipher or otherwise are careful not to attract particular attention. This reason will exhibit itself by means of two cryptographic specimens selected, which appeared in the _Times_, and were the means of showing that writers of secret signs and passwords must be clever indeed if they would evade the lynx eyes of those who are ever ready for a little mild excitement, and whose hobby it is to solve riddles and discover puzzles. Certainly there must be more pleasure in finding out the meaning of a secret “personal” than in answering the double acrostic charades with which the weekly papers swarm, and which must occupy the attention of thousands, if the quantities of correct and erroneous replies that are received at the various offices may be accepted as evidence. In the early part of 1853 a mad-looking advertisement appeared in the _Times_, which ran thus:--

CENERENTOLA.--N bnxm yt ywd nk dtz hfs wjfi ymnx fsi fr rtxy fscntzx
yt mjfw ymf esi bmjs dtz wjyzws, f imtb qtsldtz wjrfns, mjwj It bwnyf
f kjb qnsjx jfwqnsl uqjfxj: N mfaj gjjs ajwd kfw kwtr mfund xnshy dtz
bjsy fbfd.

Which being interpreted, reads: “Cenerentola, I wish to try if you can read this, and am most anxious to hear the end, when you return, and how long you remain here. Do write a few lines, darling, please. I have been very far from happy since you went away.” This appeared in February 2, and some difficulty appears to be in the way, for it is not till the 11th that we find another, which is evidently not in reply, and equally evidently not satisfactory. It says:--

CENERENTOLA.--Zsynq rd mjfwy nx xnhp mfaj ywnji yt kwfrj fs
jcugfifynts kwt dtz gzy hfssty. Xnqjshj nx xfs jxy nk ymf ywzj hfzxj
nx sty xzx jhyji; nk ny nx fgg xytwnjx bngg gj xnkyji yt ymj gtyytr.
It dtz wjrjrgjw tzw htzxns’x knwxy uwtutxnynts: ymnsp tk ny.

As this system simply consisted in commencing the alphabet with the letter _f_ and continuing in regular sequence, the explanation of the last specimen is almost obvious; but so that there should be no difficulty or doubt about it, and so that the intriguers should know they were discovered, some literary lockpicker inserted on the 15th, in the usual personal column of the _Times_, a full translation, correcting all errors of the printer, and concluding with a notice in the secret language, which must have frightened its originators. The explanatory advertisement runs thus:--

CENERENTOLA, until my heart is sick have I tried to frame an
explanation for you, but cannot. Silence is safest, if the true cause
is not suspected: if it is all stories will be sifted to the bottom.
Do you remember our cousin’s first proposition? Think of it.--N pstb
Dtz.

The cryptogram at the end is a warning, for, subjected to the test, we find it is neither more nor less than “I know you.” This seems to have effectually silenced the originals; but the marplots were probably still at work, for on the 19th of February another notification appears, this time in plain English, and running thus:--

CENERENTOLA, what nonsense! Your cousin’s proposition is absurd. I
have given an explanation--the true one--which has perfectly satisfied
both parties--a thing which silence never could have effected. So no
more such absurdity.

How miserably small the inventor of this cipher must have felt, and how ridiculous those most interested must have appeared to each other, we leave to the imaginations of those readers who have suddenly been stopped in any grand flight to find themselves as idiotic as they had before considered themselves ingenious. Doubtless the Cenerentolans will not want for sympathisers even amongst those who affect most to ridicule them. Much about the same time as the instance we have given, and while the rage for secret advertising was in its meridian, one of the most remarkable samples of the kind appeared--remarkable as much for its want of reason as for anything else. On February 20, 1852, we are told by the _Quarterly_, there appeared in the _Times_ the following mysterious lines:--

TIG tjohw it tig jfhiirvola og tig psgvw.
F. D. N.

This was a little above the ordinary hand, and many attempts at deciphering it failed. At last the following explanation was published in the _Quarterly_. If we take the first word of the sentence, Tig, and place under its second letter, i, the one which alphabetically precedes it, and treat the next letters in a similar manner, we shall have the following combination:--

T i g
h f
e

Reading the first letters obliquely, we have the article “The;” if we treat the second word in the same manner, the following will be the result:--

T j o h w
i n g v
m f u
e t
s

which read in the same slanting way produces the word _Times_. So far our authority is correct, and here we leave him. The following participle and article are of course evident, and then comes the principal word of the sentence, which the transcriber makes to be Jefferies, which it is doubtless intended to be; but in his hurry the inventor or solver has made a mistake, as is shown upon an attempt at the same conclusion:--

J f h i i r v o l a
e g h h q u n k z
f g g p t m j y
f f o s l i x
e n r k h w
m q j g v
p i f u
h e t
d s
r

This gives the word as Jeffemphdr, an expression which, if it can be expressed at all, is very dissimilar from that we expected, after being told that the sentence read--

The Times is the Jefferies of the press.

We have taken this trouble and used this space in the endeavour to see if the letters would make “Jefferies,” because we have always had a suspicion that the first explainer was also the originator. The advertisement, without being rendered into English, could not have gratified the malice or satisfied the spite of its writer; and as, if any one else had discovered the key and made the attempt, he would have remarked the error, it is but fair to assume that “F. D. N.,” whoever else he may have been, was the individual whom a writer in the _Quarterly Review_, a couple of years or so afterwards, described as the friend who “was curious and intelligent enough to extract the plain English out of it,” and whose design we commenced with. Was he an author who had been slated in the _Times_? However, as the advertiser evidently meant Jeffreys, however he may have fancied to spell it, the explanation may be taken as all right.[35] This and the preceding advertisement must have set people thinking that it was hardly safe to trust to secrets in the papers, no matter how carefully disguised; but the crowning blow to cryptographic communication was given by means of the “Flo” intrigue, which created some little sensation, and was the cause of a good deal of amusement at the close of the year 1853 and the beginning of 1854. On November 29 of the first-named year the following was first seen in the _Times_:--

FLO.--1821 82374 09 30 84541. 844532 18140650. 8 54584 2401 322650 526
08555 94400 021 12 30 84541 22 05114650. 726 85400 021.

It may be as well to premise that the idea of the “Flo” system was to make an alphabet with the nine numerals and the cipher, and the correspondents evidently prided themselves, poor innocents, on having arranged the letters arbitrarily and not in regular order, and fixed the tell-tale capital I when standing alone at 8:--

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
y u o i e a d k h f
s t n m r l q g w p
x c b
v

So the communication read: “Flo, thou voice of my heart! Berlin, Thursday. I leave next Monday, and shall press you to my heart on Saturday. God bless you.” How they communicated for the next month does not appear, but judging by the quotation just given, it is to be supposed personally, and that another separation occurred soon after, for on December 21 there is this:--

FLO.--1821 82374 29 30 84541 8 53 02 522450. 8 3300 021 3244 1852
4844. 8 5227 51 0214 9371144 48440 23781. 8 0426 021 52 326352 08585
12 8459 42116 021 88354 505449 59144 632244. 31 8355 7449 021 8543 526
021 3101 95270 1851 31 5430 544 42126 021. 726 85400 021.

Which, errors included, reads: “Flo, thou voice of my heart, I am so lonely. I miss you more than ever. I look at your picture every night. I send you an Indian shawl to wrap rou_t_d you while asleep after dinner. It will keep you warm, and you must fancy that m_t_ arms are round you. God bless you.” Two days afterwards the next appears, though the translation hardly gives a substantial reason for the repetition:--

FLO.--184 5501 850 84227 8 449451 31. 1821 82374 29 30 84541 8 53 02
522450. 8 3300 021 3244 1852 4844. 8 5227 51 0214 9371144 48140 23781.
8 0426 021 52 326352 08585 12 8459 42126 021 88354 505449 59144 63224
31 8355 7449 021 8543 526 021 3101 95270 1851 30 5430 544 42126 021.
726 85400 021. 828 8 62 5284 021.

This makes: “Flo, the last was wrong, I repeat it. Thou voice of my heart, I am so lonely. I miss you more than ever. I look at your picture ev_u_ry night. I send you an Indian shawl to wrap round you while asleep after dinn_r_. It will keep you warm, and you must fancy my arms are round you. God bless you. How I do love you!” It will be hard to discover, if the last was wrong, how this can be right, as for each error he corrects he makes another. Then we go on to the new year, and on January 2 recommence with the following:--

FLO.--30 282 5284 853 85990 57532 31 30 5374 5857327 9423 5 856 64453.
021 544 30 5334 12 7228 1851 18444 305 785274 29 044327 021 12 8454
9423 021 12 62 183270 12 422178. 8 08555 140 526 044 021 0222 84314 12
34 50 29142 50 021 752 726 85400 021 1821 82174 29 30 84541.