Chapter X: Part 10

No atheist, with all hiz boasted bravery, haz ever dared to advertize his beleaf, on hiz tomb stun

* * * * *

A baby iz a necessity, but twins allwuss did seem to me, to be ov a spekulative natur.

30 Days. APRIL. 1879.

_Bound for Wall Street.--Bring on yure Bear._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _DOOR KNOBS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ April _now_ | | | 2| W ||@ fool @ _pluk_ @ | Caushun iz a good thing for a | | 3| T ||@-_r-a-i-n-y_-@ | man to hav, but when he haz got | | 4| F ||@ @ _dandylions_ @ @ | so mutch ov it, that he iz afrade | | 5| S ||_more_ @......@ Julia | to tutch a kast iron lion, for fear | | 6| G ||@ *w*e*t*f*u*l*l* | it will bite, ignoranse iz what's | | 7| M ||@ @ Higgins @ @ | the matter ov him. | | 8| T ||_warm_ @ § @ § @ died | | | 9| W ||@ _wet_ @ _rain_ @ | * * * * * | |10| T ||1874 @ @ @ Julia | | |11| F ||@ @ _much_ @ was @ @ | In courtship i hav allwus advised | |12| S ||_m o i s t_ ---- a | the oblique rather than the | |13| G || § prude ¦ _now_ § | vertikal process, if yure mistress | |14| M ||_wetty_ @ _the_ | diskovers too mutch anxiety in | |15| T ||@ David § _goose_ @ | yu, she iz sure to diskover less | |16| W ||slu @ @ _yells_ | in herself. | |17| T ||@ .... Golier .... @ | | |18| F ||_Expekt_ @ _windy_ | | |19| S || | * * * * * | |20| G ||@ _frogs_ @ _snow_ @ | | |21| M ||_m-o-r-e_ @ _s-o-w_ | Thare aint nothing that a man | |22| T || @ _wind_ @ | will thrive so well on az abuse | |23| W ||@ _gardin_ @ @ @ @ | that aint merited. | |24| T ||.. James .. _sass_ . | | |25| F ||@ @ @ _much_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | |26| S || @ Bukannan @ | | |27| G ||.... *_cooler_ iz* .... | Whenever yu cum akrost a | |28| M ||ded @ @ @ @ sitch | man who distrusts everyboddy, | |29| T ||@ _more_ @ iz @ | yu hav found one whom it is safe | |30| W ||@ @ _rain_ life @ @ | for everyboddy to distrust. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE MUSKEETER._

Muskeeters are a game bug, but they wont bite at a hook. Thare iz millyuns ov them kaught every year, but not with a hook, this makes the market for them unstiddy, the supply allways exceeding the demand. The muskeeto iz born on the sly, and cums to maturity quicker than enny other ov the domestik animiles. A muskeeter at 3 hours old iz just az reddy, and anxious, to go into bizzness for himself, az ever he iz, and bites the fust time az sharp, and natral, az red pepper duz. The muskeeter haz a good ear for musik, and sings without notes. The song ov the musketo iz monotonous to sum folks, but in me it stirs up the memorys ov other days. I hav lade awake, all nite long, menny a time and listened to the sweet anthems ov the muskeeter. I am satisfied that thare want nothing made in vain, but i kant help thinking how mighty kluss the musketoze kum to it. The muskeeter haz inhabited this world since its kreashun, and will probably hang around here until bizzness closes. Whare the muskeeter goes to in the winter iz a standing konumdrum, which all the naturalists hav giv up, but we kno he dont go far, for he iz on hand early each year with hiz probe fresh ground, and polished. Muskeeters must be one ov the luxurys ov life, they certainly aint one ov the necessarys, not if we kno ourselfs.

_SNOW BALLS._

Thare iz a time for all things, and the best time to hold our tungs, iz when we feel az tho we had the most to say.

* * * * *

The man who gambles, or drinks whiskey, kant chooze hiz assoshiates.

If yu trade horses with a jockey yu kant git cheated but
once.--but if yu trade with a deakon yu may git cheated twice.--once
in the horse, and once in the deakon =

Perhaps. Josh Billings

Patience iz a good thing for a man to hav. but when he
haz got so mutch ov it. that he kan fish all day long, without enny
bate on hiz hook,--Lazyness, iz what's the matter ov him.=

Exackly so. Josh Billings

31 Days. MAY. 1879.

_Dubletts--a lucky throw._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _BIRDS' EGGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Soft_ ¶ now @ | | | 2| F || @ _and_ @ stik @ | | | 3| S || _sunny_ §--§--§ in | It iz bad enuff to be a fust rate | | 4| G || @ peas _sum_ @ | monkey, but to be a third rate | | 5| M || --Obadiah-- | one iz more disastrous than to be | | 6| T || | an idiot. | | 7| W || _r_|_a_|_i_|_n_| | | | | | 8| T || *-*-*-*@Farnharm | | | 9| F || @_more_ waz@ | * * * * * | |10| S || @ _soft_ a @ | | |11| G || @millerite@ | Thare iz no sure kure for lazyness, | |12| M || ----_wetly_---- | but i hav known a seckond | |13| T || @*now @ _mild_*@ | wife to hurry it sum. | |14| W || ....| snatch |... | | |15| T || _cool_ @ @ @ @ @ | | |16| F || @ @ @ @ @ lettiss | * * * * * | |17| S || @ @ C*a*i*n @ @ | | |18| G || _more_----|@|---- | | |19| M || _rain_ @ @ @ hit | It iz the suprizes ov life that | |20| T || @ _wind_ @ Able @ | add most to our plezzures; one | |21| W || _southy_ § now | man iz suprized with a legacy | |22| T || @ _butiful_ sot @ | from a ritch unkle, another, that | |23| F || : : _weather_ : : | the old spekled hen haz just cum | |24| S || : h : e : n : s : | off the nest, with 27 chickens. | |25| G || _more_ @ @ @ Gen. | | |26| M || @--@ _cooler_ @--@ | | |27| T || @ Grant @ | * * * * * | |28| W || _w_*_i_*_n_*_d_----§@ | | |29| T || waz @ _north_ @ a | Gamblers, nor infidels, havn't | |30| F || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | faith enuff in their profeshions, to| |31| S || a @ _wet_ @ tanner | teach it to their children. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BEAN._

Next to rhy bread, beans hav been called by the poets, and philosphers the cumfort, and staff ov life. The bean iz all food, thare iz no more waste in them, than thare iz in a pint ov cold water, when a man iz auphull dry. Beans are all colors, and most shapes, flat, round, oblong, square, and 3 cornered, and a quart ov them put into a pot, and biled 2 hours, will meazzure a gallon, and a haff, when they cum out. This makes them a better dividend paying seed than enny thing we kno ov. Beans are az old az Esau, he sold out for bean porridge. Beans gro on the jump, and thare aint but phew things that kan beat a bean klimbing a pole. I luv beans, but dont hanker for them. But beans, and me wont quarrell. Baked beans are a grate necessity in Nu England, and not to hav a platter ov them for Sunday dinner, iz lookt upon thare az being stuck-up to the neighbors. One ov the old blue laws ov Massachusetts waz, "_thou shalt eat baked beans on Sunday._" I kan remember now ov eating baked beans, and rhy, and injun bread every Sunday, when i waz a boy, and luving it, bekauze i waz obliged to.

_EXAMINE._

The happyest time in enny ones life, iz the fust 20 minnitts after they hav had an akeing tooth jerkt out.

* * * * *

Imaginashun never filled a man's stummak yet, yu kant git pork, and beans, by dreaming about them.

30 Days. JUNE. 1879.

_A Shell-Fish--pretty mutch all shell_]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _BLOSSOMS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ _Hottish_ @ _now_ | | | 2| M || A-b-e-l @ @ @ | Yu kan possibly argy a man | | 3| T || @ _so_ @ _peas_ @ | out ov hiz religion, but you kant | | 4| W || @ @ Young @ @ | out ov the color ov hiz nektye, | | 5| T || _rainy_ @ departed | or the squeeze ov hiz boots. | | 6| F || @ _wind_ @ 1851 @ | | | 7| S || @ _Easty_ @ Abel @ | | | 8| G || _hotter_ @ @ died | * * * * * | | 9| M || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | | |10| T || young @ _cooler_ @ @ | | |11| W || @ @ aged @ _warm_ | Luv between wimmin iz impossible, | |12| T || @ 16 @ now @ | even friendship iz only praktikabel.| |13| F || _thunder_ @@@ the | | |14| S || @ lam @ Sampson @ | | |15| G || @ sporteth @ waz @ | * * * * * | |16| M || @ @ _litening_ @ @ | | |17| T || | | |18| W || @ a @ strengthy @ | | |19| T || _more_ @ @ @ _hot_ | Thare iz nothing so skarse az | |20| F || @ man @ Judith @ | originality, even an original phool | |21| S || _wetty_ @ Ferguson | would be a grate relief just now. | |22| G || @ _cooler_ marrid @ | | |23| M || @ _big_ @ _warmth_ | | |24| T || @1846@ now | | |25| W || _wind_ @@@ bild | * * * * * | |26| T || @@ _Easty_ bokays @@ | | |27| F || _cooler_ @ Columbus | | |28| S || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | The man who never makes | |29| G || found @ _hotter_ @ | enny blunders iz a very nice piece | |30| M || @ @ @ Amerika | ov masheenery,--that's all. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_QUESTIONS AND REPLIZE._

Q.--What iz the best religious kreed to hav?

A.--Charity. If a man will swop off all the religious kreed he haz got on hand, and invest the proceeds in charity, he will allwus be proud ov the job.

* * * * *

Q.--Will yu pleze define an Enthuziast?

A.--An Enthuziast iz a party who beleaves about 4 times az mutch az he kan prove, and who kan prove about 4 times az mutch az ennyboddy else beleaves.

* * * * *

Q.--What three things hav dun the most to civilize the world?

A.--The Bible, the looking-glass, and the muskett

* * * * *

Q.--Whitch iz the most reddy animile?

A.--The mule--they alwuss sleep standing, so to be on hand when the kiking begins to flow.

* * * * *

Q.--What iz the quikest food on reckord?

A.--The oyster on the haff shell--they kan be et sitting, standing, or on the run.

31 Days. JULY. 1879.

_Strayed or Stolen.--Return to P. T. Barnum._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _RAINBOWS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Grate warmth_ | | | 2| W || the @ _sighns_ @ | I never tri to settle other peoples | | 3| T || @ --hog _ov_ -- @ | quarrells, i hav seen men tri | | 4| F || _*l*i*t*e*n*i*n*g*_ | to do this, and git badly whipt bi | | 5| S || panteth @ @ @ | both partys. | | 6| G || @ @ @ now @ _hotter_ | | | 7| M || dig -- @ @ @ -- _more_ | * * * * * | | 8| T || @ _hotter_ @ for @ | | | 9| W || _it_ @ @ @ _rains_ | Hunting for happiness iz like | |10| T || @ ice @ Bill @ | hunting for hen's eggs away under | |11| F || _wind_ -- @ -- Purdy | the barn, after yu hav fonnd | |12| S || @ _south_ quit @ | them, haff the time yu find they | |13| G || _mulch_ @ @ @ @ 1822 | are addled. | |14| M || | | |15| T || @ _t.h.u.n.d.e.r_ @ | * * * * * | |16| W || Bill @ @ @ _hottish_ | | |17| T || ---- had ---- | | |18| F || _litening_ @ @ @ @ | Thare iz lots ov people in this | |19| S || @ @ the heart | world who say they haint got | |20| G || @ _it_ @ _rains_ | enny faith in a heaven or hell | |21| M || @ @ ailment @ @ | and yet they hav got faith enuff | |22| T || George :@.:::@.: | to invest their last dollar in a | |23| W || @ _more_ @ _rain_ @ | lottery ticket, or a bottle ov quak | |24| T || :::: * Washington | medisin. | |25| F || @ _windy_ @ fit @ | | |26| S || _cooler_ @ @ @ into | * * * * * | |27| G || @ @ @ _bright_ @ @ @ | | |28| M || the @ @ revolushun | | |29| T || @ _very_ @ @ _now_ | I kno ov men whoze word iz | |30| W || -- @ _hot keep_ @ -- | better than their bond, these are | |31| T || _litening_ * @ * _cool_| the knight errants ov honesty. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE GORRILLA._

The gorrilla iz a free-born citizen ov Western Afrika, and in point ov intilekt, averages well with the rest ov the natives. They are about 5 foot 3 in hight, and hav got a sanguine temper, wuss than a fish womans. I never saw but one gorrilla, and he waz not filled with life, but waz filled with straw. I dont want to see another, it weakens mi respekt for mi ansesstors. They are four legged, and kan walk purpendikular, or horizontal, but when they do walk uprite, they are the wust looking relashuns we hav. They liv alone, and are more terrible in a ruff and tumble fite, than enny person that livs. I hav allwuss wondered whi sum one didn't import one into this country, and match him for 2 thousand dollars to fite in a ring. I am oppozed to ring battles, but when this skirmish takes place, i want to be there, and bet my patrimony on to the gorrilla. May the best man win. The gorrilla haz a good appetight, for one that haint been kultivated, and will eat enny thing he kan ketch, from a coloured brother to an anakondy The gorrilla iz no doubt good for sumthing, but what that iz i kant tell, nor dont want to know. Farewell yu auphull, ugly, mizerable kuss.

The end ov the gorrilla.

_WEIGH._

The devil holds poor kards, but he allwuss plays them mighty well.

* * * * *

A man with a very small hed iz like a pin without enny, very apt to git into things beyond hiz depth.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1879.

_Sweet 16 (sub rosa 38)._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _DRIPLETS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ _Big_ Sam @ | | | 2| S || _shower_ @@ Loyd | Mules are like sum men, after | | 3| G || @_heaty_ @ born@ | yu hav studdid their karakter for | | 4| M || _mutch_ --II-- _wet_ | 5 years cluss, the best thing yu | | 5| T || @ 1820 @ now @ | kan do, is to git an average on | | 6| W || _wind_ @ @ @ hive | them. | | 7| T || @ _sou_ * _east_ * @ | | | 8| F || bees @ h-o-n-e-s-t-y | * * * * * | | 9| S || @ _more_ @ _hot_ @ | | |10| G || | Thare aint nothing so cheap | |11| M || ---- iz @ the ---- | az bad spellin, and if it iz sutch | |12| T || _thund r_ @ @ @ best | an element of suckcess az sum | |13| W || @ _and_ @ policy @ | shrewd kriticks hav diskovered, | |14| T || _litening_ @ @ Moses | they owe it to their airs, and | |15| F || @ wind @ and @ | assines, to adopt it at once, and | |16| S || _l-i-g-h-t_ @ A-a-r-o-n| bekum ritch and famus | |17| G || @ _hard_ @ were @ | | |18| M || _shower_ @ @ @ near | | |19| T || @ _now_ - nabors @ | * * * * * | |20| W || _mix_ @ @ @ _grate_ | | |21| T || @ _juleps_ @ _heat_ @ | No man haz ever yet bekum | |22| F || K*a*t*e @ _w_*_e_*_t_ | so wize az to kno how mutch he | |23| S || @ Davis @ _kloudy_ @ | luvs himself, and how little hiz | |24| G || died @ _windy_ @ @ @ | nabor. | |25| M || @@ 1849 @ Robert | | |26| T || @ _big_ @ Burns @ | * * * * * | |27| W || @ @ _hot_ @ waz | | |28| T || _more_ @ a @ @ | -- | It iz quite common to meet | |29| F || @_c*o*o*l*e*r_@ | people who hav more religion, | |30| S || -II-ploughman-II- | and even morality, than they hav | |31| G || @@ _it_ @ _rains_ @@ | common sense. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_QUESTIONS, AND ANSWERS._

Q.--When iz the right time to marry?

A.--Enny whare between 21, and ninety-four years.

Q.--What iz a woman's chief joy in this world?

A.--Her own or sumboddy else's baby.

Q.--Which iz the most diffident, and humbel kritter amung the animals?

A.--A bobtailed kat, probberbly.

Q.--How menny yards ov 5 dollar silk duz it take to make a dress.

A.--I dont kno, but it allwuss takes 2 yards and a haff more than yu buy the fust time.

Q.--What do mankind gennerally take the most pride in?

A.--In sumthing their nabors haint got, nor kant git.

Q.--What two persons in the whole congregashun, need the clusset watching?

A.--A praying pollytisian, and an offishus deakon.

Q.--How iz the best way to git rid ov kokroaches?

A.--Sell out yure house, and lot, and jine the gipseys.

Q.--What cums the nearest to makeing a woman sware?

A.--To hav her clothes line brake when it iz full ov a Monday's washing.

Q.--Which iz the two most thankless jobs in this world?

A.--To keep skool, and be an undertaker.

Q.--How do yu define experience?

A.--Experience iz the science ov finding out how deep a mill pond iz, by wading into it, and drowning.

_DOUBLETS._

I kant help but respekt the heathen, they hav made az good a showing on their kapital, az the christians hav.

* * * * *

Next to the mother in law, cums the Grandmother, to regulate the cook, the kat, and the baby.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1879.

_For full particulars enquire ov E. & T. Fairbanks & Co._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _HOT STUFF._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ _Cool_ @ now @ | | | 2| T || _and_ @ pik @ @ | Yung man studdy politeness, | | 3| W || @ _kloudy_ @ geese @ | even if yu ask a man for hiz | | 4| T || Dave @ @ @ _rainy_ | tooth pik, after he haz got dun | | 5| F || @ Pettibone @ | using it, dont fale to thank him | | 6| S || _w-i-n-d_ m-a-r-r-i-d | politely for it. | | 7| G || @ @ _noth_ he @ @ | | | 8| M || _East_ @ @ @ marrid | * * * * * | | 9| T || _more_ @ for @ | | |10| W || @ _wetty_ @ luv | Lasting friendships kan only | |11| T || @ now @ _cooler_ @ | exist between equals, superiority | |12| F || chew @ @ @ _more_ | insists upon respekt, and inferior- | |13| S || @ apples @ _cooler_ @ | ity iz too often apt to excite | |14| G || ----Solaman---- | pitty. | |15| M || @ @ @ _slight_ @ | | |16| T || mutch @ _frost_ @ | * * * * * | |17| W || | | |18| T || @ @ wives @ _now_ | If yu want to find out a man's | |19| F || -- _windy_ @ the -- | tru karakter examin him at home | |20| S || _warmy_ @ litening | bi the fire side, here he iz the | |21| G || @ _cool_ @ bug @ | hero ov the ockashun, and iz | |22| M || _nights_ @ @ @ puts | angelick, or devlish, in spite ov | |23| T || -- @ _wind_ @ in @ -- | himself. | |24| W || _southy_ : ---- : an | | |25| T || @ @ _more_ @ @ | * * * * * | |26| F || -a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e- | | |27| S || _wetful_ -- Gen.@ @ | | |28| G || @ _windy_ @ Jackson | Thare aint no sutch things az | |29| M || _wet_ * would @ @ | invenshuns, all things that we hav | |30| T || -- @ @ sware @ @ -- | are diskoverys. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE APPLE DUMPLIN._

The dumplin are about the natral size ov yure phist, made out ov dough, and filled with apples. They are served up hot, with sum sweet-tasteing liniment on them, and are az eazy to struggle with az a sugar-plum. They aint so good kold az they ought to be. Kold dumplin, and raw potatoe, eat similar. I never et apple dumplin yet, without thanking the Lord for that one, and the Landlady for another one. Four apple dumplins, at one sitting, iz just about mi size. I wish i knu who invented theze kind-hearted balls, i would like to weep over hiz memory. Punkin pi, and apple dumplin, hav dun az mutch to civilize man az enny two missionarys that hav ever lived. Good vittles iz next to good morals enny how. Yu may talk about virtew az mutch az yu pleze, yu kant never inokulate a man with virtew fust rate on an empty stummuk. Giv a man four apple dumplin, with sum good kind ov ointment on them, and after he haz et them, and they hav settled down to hard pan, yu kan krawl up to him on either side, with a dose of morality, or even sum new kind of sope, for taking spots out ov clothes.

_A STATEMENT._

Thare iz nothing about a man that will outlast a nikname, it will stik to him, az long az a bobtale will to a dog.

* * * * *

Most people repent ov their sins bi thanking God they aint so wicked az their nabors.

Thare iz one thing i notiss.--When a man falls down on
the ice, whare the water iz an inch, and a haff deep, he never seems
to feel proud ov the job =

Josh Billings

The goose, like sumother folks, haz more politeness than
thare iz enny need ov.--i hav seen them lower their heds, in going
into a barn door, 18 foot high.=

I hav. Josh Billings

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1879.

_When the pinch comes, he is thar._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _WILD FLOWERS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ _Frostly_--now | Virtew iz the only standard to | | 2| T || _winde_ @ ask @ @ | mezzure men, or things by, it iz | | 3| F || @ _sharp_ @ for | possible to be grate, and devlish | | 4| S || Jake @ sum @ | at the same time. | | 5| G || @ -Tanner- @ | | | 6| M ||nu @ died @ s-i-d-e-r | * * * * * | | 7| T || @ _cool_ @ Jake @ | | | 8| W || _wind_ @ waz | Thare iz only one kind ov person | | 9| T || @ _northy_ @ hit @ | who iz fit to liv in solitude, | |10| F || _sharp_ @ @ @ | and he iz the one who iz capable | |11| S || @ @ by @ _frost_ | ov adorning enny posishun in | |12| G || @ a @ _last_ @ | sosiety. | |13| M || @ muel @ _night_ @ | | |14| T || --B-o-n-a-p-a-r-t-- | * * * * * | |15| W || _kold_ @ @ @ waz | | |16| T ||% @ % _leaves_ %@% | Thoze who hav real merit are | |17| F || ov @ @ @ _are_ | the last ones to see it in them- | |18| S || @ @ french @ @ | selfs, and the fust ones to see it | |19| G || @ _falling_ @ | in others. | |20| M || @ p-a-r-i-e-n-t-s @ | | |21| T || now @ @ @ | * * * * * | |22| W || @ @ _still_ @ hunt | | |23| T || _kolder_ @ @ for | If thare ever iz a perfektly | |24| F || @ _windy_ @ @ @ | happy person found in this | |25| S || @ @ chesnutts @ | world, it will be the one who haz | |26| G || @ @ E-v-e @ @ | got but little, and dont want | |27| M || _more_ § @ § @ § @ | enny thing more. | |28| T || @ _kold_ @ died @ | | |29| W || @ Early @ | | |30| T || | | |31| F || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_PUNKIN PI._

Punkin pi iz the sass ov Nu England. They are vittles and drink, they are joy on the haff-shell, they are glory enuff for one day, and are good kold or warmed up. I would like to be a boy again, just for sixty minnitts, and eat miself phull ov the blessed old mixtur. Enny man who dont luv punkin pi, wants watching cluss, for he means to do sumthin mean the fust good chance he kan git. Giv me all the punkin pi i could eat, when i waz a boy, and i didn't kare whether sunday-skool kept that day or not. And now that i hav grown up to manhood, and hav run for the legislature once, and only got beat 856 votes, and am thoroly marrid, thare aint nothing i hanker for wuss, and kan bury quicker, than two-thirds ov a good old-fashioned punkin pi, an inch and a halff thik, and well smelt up, with ginger and nutmeg. Punkin pi iz the oldest Amerikan beverage i kno ov, and ought to go down to posterity with the trade mark ov our grandmothers on it; but i am afrade it wont, for it iz tuff even now to find one that tastes in the mouth at all az they did 40 years ago.

_REMARKS._

Noboddy really luvs to be cheated, but it duz seem az tho every one waz anxious to see how near they could cum to it.

* * * * *

The wust tyrant in the world iz the wife ov a henpekt husband.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1879.

_Sarching for the Bulls Eye._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _FALLING LEAVES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Chilly_ @ the | Lasting reputashuns are ov a | | 2| G || _windful_ @ snake | slo growth, the man who wakes | | 3| M || @ now @ seeks @ | up famus sum morning, iz very | | 4| T || _puntch_ @ hiz | apt to go to bed sum night and | | 5| W || @ _fires_ @ den @ | sleep it all off. | | 6| T || Fred @ @ _kolder_ | | | 7| F || @ Smith @ _it_ @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| S || @ _rains_ @ waz @ | | | 9| G || @ @ _snowy_ @ a @ | Man waz kreated a little lower | |10| M || _now_ @ @ @ Stage | than the angells, and he haz been | |11| T || @ _pay_ @ driver @ | a gitting a little lower ever since.| |12| W || _taxes_ @ @ @ Fred | | |13| T || @ _now_ @ drove @ | * * * * * | |14| F || _pay_ @ @ @ from | | |15| S ||_pew_ Belchertown @ | A man with a very small hed | |16| G || @ _rent_ @ into | on him iz like a pin without | |17| M || _now_ @ Boston @ @ | enny, very apt to git into things | |18| T || @ _visit_ @ _it_ @ | beyond hiz depth. | |19| W ||_the_ @ @ @ _grows_ | | |20| T || @ _diskonsolate_ @ | * * * * * | |21| F || _raw_ @ @ the | | |22| S || @ _wind_ Siamese @ | I hav seen folks who i thought | |23| G || _lifts_ @ twins @ | had too mutch propriety, it would | |24| M || @ _more_ @ hav @ | be a relief to see them do sumthing | |25| T || _snow_ @ departed | just a little phoolish, once | |26| W || @ our @ _rainy_ @ | in a while. | |27| T ||fourfathers @ _hard_ | | |28| F || @ hav @ _frost_ @ | | |29| S || gone @ @ alass @ | | |30| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_PERSONALS._

⁂ H. J. B.--If the lady with lavender poodle, would like tew swop dogs, Barney O'Toole iz her man.

B. O'TOOLE.

* * * * *

⁂ D.--Dont menshun it; mum iz the word. Star ov buty, the goose hangeth hi.

LOVER.

* * * * *

⁂ SWEETNESS.--Virtew iz her own cashier; the violet iz blu; the racoon haz a bushy tail; man waz made tew mourn; meet me at the pea-nut stand.

HARROLD.

* * * * *

⁂ SPONGKAKE.--Dost luv me? The kold moon listened when yu breathed a vow in Bridget Costello's ear; dont go back on me Patrik, if thou dost, be jabbers i will hav satisfackshun.

BRIDGET.

* * * * *

⁂ BILL MUSTACH.--Dont put on airs; how about that box ov 5 cent cigars yu owe for? Yure wash-woman mourns yure abscence.

SAM PEEL.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1879.

_A strong Butter (I don't like strong butter)._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | | @ || _The Slate._ | _FAG ENDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ _Bitter_ @ now | | | 2| T || _k.o-l-d_ @ @ @ set | The world all praze the philo- | | 3| W || @ _it_ @ _snows_ @ | sophers, but toss their pennys into | | 4| T || @ @ down @ @ | the caps ov the monkeys. | | 5| F || @ _kolder_ @ @ @ | | | 6| S || @ before @ _now_ @ | | | 7| G || the @ @ @ _drink_ | * * * * * | | 8| M || @ kitchen @ _hot_ @ | | | 9| T || _stuff_ @ @ @ @ fire | It iz allwus safe to follow the | |10| W || @ _more_ @ now @ | religious beleaf that our Mother | |11| T || _snow_ @ @ @ krak | taught us,--thare never waz a | |12| F || @ _high_ @ wallnuts @ | Mother yet, who taught her child | |13| S || _winds_ @ @ @ now | to be an infidel. | |14| G || @ _big_ @ post @ | | |15| M || @ @ _s-t-o-r-m_ @ @ | | |16| T || @ @ Books @ | * * * * * | |17| W || _sleety_ @ @ @ now | | |18| T || @ _more_ @ read @ | | |19| F || @ @ _stormy_ @ @ | Employment iz the grate boon | |20| S || A§l§l§m§i§n§a§x | ov life, a man with nothing to do, | |21| G || @ _now it thaws_ @ | iz not haff so interesting, az a | |22| M || sing @ _kolder_ @ @ | ripening turnip. | |23| T || @ @ psalms @ now | | |24| W || @ _snow_ @ @ Eat @ | | |25| T || @ @ @ @ pork | * * * * * | |26| F || @ _feet_ @ _and_ @ | | |27| S || @ _d*e*e*p_ @ @ @ | | |28| G || @ @ @ _beans_ | Sarkasm iz a keen weapon, but | |29| M || Good @ Bye | in handling it, menny people take | |30| T || @ @ Boys @ @ | holt ov the blade, insted of the | |31| W || Yours, @ @ @ J. B. | handle. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

* * * * *
* * * * *

ECCENTRICITIES OF GENIUS

By Major J. B. Pond.

READ WHAT IS SAID OF IT.

"It is distinctly one of the most interesting books of the year
from any point of view."--_Rochester Sunday Herald._

"It is many a day since I have read so fascinating a book of
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'night'--for this volume has given me delight during hours, when,
according to the laws of nature, I should have been
asleep."--_Neweil Dwight Hillis._

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people."--_Home Journal._

"Adorned by many pictures, never before published."--_Detroit
Journal._

"Possesses unparalleled attractions."--_Boston Journal._

"Major Pond goes deep into his subject, tarnishing pen-portraits
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The whole book, stuffed as it is with anecdotes and extracts from
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THE VOYAGE OF ITHOBAL

BY

SIR EDWIN ARNOLD

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=EQUAL PARTNERS. By Howard Fielding.=

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