Chapter VIII: Part 8

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _NUTMEGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || It blows @ @ | | | 2| F || (@) Robert Burns | Enny man kan beat me out | | 3| S || @ wrote poetry @ | ov mi munny, and mi opinyuns, | | 4| G || more wind !! @ | eazy enuff, but no man kan beat | | 5| M || * Fulton was * a | me out ov mi faith. | | 6| T || @ steambote @ | | | 7| W || @ @ Capting | | | 8| T || @ wind travels @ | * * * * * | | 9| F || around loose @ | | |10| S || | | |11| G || @ | now set hens | One ov the most unhappy | |12| M || @ kold and raw @ | kritters in this world iz a | |13| T || kongress sits ! more | neglekted pet, they are wuss off | |14| W || @ windy @ Bob | than a vagrant. | |15| T || Fletcher @ loved | | |16| F || not @ wisely * but | * * * * * | |17| S || too well @ Bob | | |18| G || @ Fletcher loved | | |19| M || whiskey @ wind @ | The middle course iz the best, | |20| T || Easty @ Bonaparte | even a moderate deakon iz better | |21| W || @ was a ~ @ | than a red hot one. | |22| T || @ Frenchman @ | | |23| F || ¶ @ rain @ with | | |24| S || @ w-i-n-d @ | * * * * * | |25| G || @ buty @@ iz | | |26| M || short lived @ @ | | |27| T || @ it blows @ @ | Yung man, dont ask enny | |28| W || @ @ @ @ now | favours, it iz better to hav the | |29| T || @ twitch teeth ß | world owe yu 10 dollars, and | |30| F || more @ @ @ | finally git cheated out ov it, | |31| S || @ @ @ wind @ | than to owe them one. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE LOAFER._

The loafer iz a thing who iz willing to be dispized for the privilege ov abusing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety from the judge on the bench clear down to the ragged kritter who leans aginst the lamp posts, and fites flies in August. He haz no pride that iz worthy, and no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt. During his boyhood he kills kats, and robs all the hens nests in the naborhood. During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whiskey he kan at sumboddy else's expense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrase, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opinyun, they hav existed just about az long az man haz. If Cain want a loafer, pray what waz he?

_TIT BITS._

Woman hav allwuss been more than a match for man, Adam held the best kards, but he didn't kno how to play them well.

* * * * *

Thare iz one trait ov the human karakter that the devil himself must envy, and that iz, the more we hav injured a man, the more we dispize him.

30 Days. APRIL. 1877.

Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @ @

A.--Jonah @ @ @

_Long, lank, lean, and lemon colored.
An orphan, without friends, or place,
A target for every ones brik bat.
The yaller dog runs a dusty race._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _BIRDLINGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Pensive showers | One of the most diskourageing | | 2| M || @ April Phool @ | features ov modern civilizashun, | | 3| T || begot 896 @ @ | iz the average kuntry hotel. | | 4| W || @ @ more wetness | | | 5| T || @ Babes in the @ | | | 6| F || woods @ @ @ lost | * * * * * | | 7| S || 1122 @ wind @ | | | 8| G || @ south @ now the | | | 9| M || @ @ frogs squeal | Mankind luv to be cheated, | |10| T || @ sum more @ @ | but they want to hav it dun bi | |11| W || @ wetness @ now @ | an artist | |12| T ||@ investigate @ for | | |13| F || hens eggs @ a @ | | |14| S ||@ @ kloudless day @ | * * * * * | |15| G || Peter Bacon died | | |16| M || 1492 @ @ cool but | | |17| T ||@ pretty @ Peter @ | The most kritikal people to | |18| W || @ @ Bacon had no | suit, are thoze who board at the | |19| T || mother @ in law | alms houses. | |20| F ||wind veers northy @ | | |21| S ||@ @ now the gentle | | |22| G || @ kokroach @ @ | * * * * * | |23| M || cometh @ sum more | | |24| T || @ wet @ Amos @ | | |25| W || @ @ Bostwick born | Thare may be sutch a thing az | |26| T || @ 1827 @ hard @ | a man who haz stole once, and | |27| F || showers @ Amos @ | then quit, but i hav not the | |28| S ||Bostwick @ had but | honor ov hiz acquaintanse. | |29| G || @ @ @ one eye @ | | |30| M || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_ARTIKLES OV FAITH._

Heaven bless the stummuk ake, if it want for this, menny ov us deakons wouldn't hav no good excuse for hot rum.

* * * * *

The saddest ov all sights sad in this world, iz a child with a broken spirit.

* * * * *

Man kant make cirkumstanses, but he kan take them bi the horns, insted ov the tale.

* * * * *

Dont parade yure sorrows before the world, but bury them az the dogs do their old bones, and then growl if enny boddy offers to dig them up.

* * * * *

Klubs are a place whare most people go to git rid ov themselfs.

* * * * *

A trained child to me iz a kind ov horror, i like to see them rekless with innosense.

* * * * *

The boy who iz pikt out to be the genius ov the family is allwuss sure to be the biggest dohed in the whole lot.

The only way to tire a phool out, iz to listen to him, and agree to
every thing he sez =

Affekshionately Josh Billings

I hav seen men load a dubble barrell gun klear up to the muzzell, to
kill a chipping bird with, and git knokt hed over heels, when. the
gun went off.--and miss the bird besides.=

A literal fakt, Josh Billings

31 Days. MAY. 1877.

Q.--What kind ov a pen do plagarists use? @:~:

A.--A steal pen. @ @ @ @

_Thou mewel!--thou art mi horror,--
Desaitfull, and dang'rous kritter,--
Az humbly az satan himself,
And besides a pizon hitter._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _SHADDOWS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Butiful @ May @ | After a man has reached the | | 2| W || @ now the @ tud | hight ov hiz ambishun the fust | | 3| T || murmers @ @ soft | thing he duz, iz to be disgusted | | 4| F || showers ( @ ) Kate | with it. | | 5| S ||Sturgiss admitted * | | | 6| G || 1842 @ @ Kate | | | 7| M || Stuigis @ was a @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || doktriss @ more * | | | 9| W || hazy @ now prepare | | |10| T ||@ @ for arly lettiss | It aint safe to endorse ennybody, | |11| F || @ rain @ munny iz | we kant even tell ourselfs | |12| S || tite @ brite and @ | what kind ov a man we shall | |13| G || * klear @ Solaman | be on the 25th day of next | |14| M || @ @ had wisdum | june. | |15| T || klearing weather @ | | |16| W || now probe * for @ | | |17| T || @ @ hoss radish | * * * * * | |18| F || @ sum more @ @ | | |19| S || @ @ @ rainness @ | | |20| G || @ Jabez Tucker | I prefer the gravity ov the | |21| M || @ obituated @ @ | owl to the loquacity ov the | |22| T || 1776 @ @ @ a @ | magpie, it iz better to look | |23| W || @ @ @ sweet day | wize, than to talk phoolish. | |24| T || Jabez fit @ @ @ | | |25| F || @ and died @ | | |26| S || @ ~ into the @ | * * * * * | |27| G || revolushun @ @ | | |28| M || @ @ @ more rain | | |29| T || now insert @ @ | The cheapest and best way to | |30| W || @ onion seed -@- | convince a phool, is to agree | |31| T || | with him. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SHORT REPLYS._

_Dear Luke._--I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the hornets.

* * * * *

_Dear Mose._--All the humorist that i am acquainted with are sad, and sober kusses. I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer, they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at the crossroads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own jokes.

_SPLINTERS._

If yu are determined to bet enny how, bet yure bottom dollar the fust time, and then go into sum more respektable bizzness.

* * * * *

Thare are no weeds in this world that wilt so quick, az the weeds ov the widower.

30 Days. JUNE. 1877.

Q.--What iz yure favourite name for a Boy? @ @ @

A.--George Washington, Lafayette, Napoleon, Ulyssess Grant. @

_The poodle iz a frowzy bird,
A hiding place for fleas, and varmin,
Wimmin lug them round for pets.
And call them_ "luv," _and_ "duv," _and_ "charming."

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _POSTSKRIPTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Luvly moments | The man who iz eazily influenced | | 2| S || @ wind bammy @ | and yet wont be advised, | | 3| G || june bugs are @ @ | iz a dredphull hard kritter | | 4| M || @ here @ very wet | to steer. | | 5| T || Patience Burbanks | | | 6| W || @ @ run @ away @ | | | 7| T || 1840 @ sun hot | * * * * * | | 8| F || @ @ Patience fled | | | 9| S ||with @ a @ pedlar @ | | |10| G || @ @ hot showers | Necessity iz the very best gift | |11| M ||@ the @ violet @ haz | ov heaven, without it poor human | |12| T || @ cum @ @ gentle | natur would only be a herd ov | |13| W ||softness @ prevails | loafers. | |14| T || @ now @ jerk @ | | |15| F ||@: lettiss @ sum :@ | | |16| S || | * * * * * | |17| G || wet @ @ now pik | | |18| M || the goose @ more @ | | |19| T ||@ softness @ @ fleas | What a man gits for nothing, | |20| W || diskovered 1309 @ | he iz very apt to value at just | |21| T || hotness exists @ @ | about what it kost. | |22| F || expekt pak pedlars | | |23| S || @ @ wind rizes @ | | |24| G || @ @ Sam Brewster | * * * * * | |25| M ||elekted constable @ | | |26| T || @ 1865 @ sighns ov | | |27| W || drougth @ be kind | Opportunitys are like birds, | |28| T || @ @ to your mother | they will slip out ov yure hands | |29| F ||in law @ @ very hot | if yu giv them haff a chance. | |30| S || -now-stik-in-beans | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE SPIDER._

One ov the most ingenious, and hardest workers amung the whole lot ov little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the meanest reptiles that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan think ov now, that set traps for their viktims. They are az mean az a man in this respekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a spider with both feet, and seems to feel melankolly if he happens to miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. I dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so.

_DREGS._

Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather than argy the case, i am willing to think so too.

* * * * *

Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous,--there never waz a man yet but what thought hiz lame back was a good deal lamer than hiz nabors.

31 Days. JULY. 1877.

Q.--What iz a mint julep? @ @ @

A.--A refuge for cheap whiskey. @ @ @

_Full of cunning, and low deceit,
With stolen cream, and chickens fat,
Sweetly in dreams he lays at yure feet,
Judas Iskariott, in shape ov a kat._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _VAPOR._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Warm hotness | The man who gits hiz edukashun | | 2| M || @ now the frog @ | from the daily papers, | | 3| T || sweats (@) thunder | if he happens to miss one, haz | | 4| W || @ @ and litening | lost all he iz a going to kno for | | 5| T || @ Amos Jones @ @ | the next 24 hours. | | 6| F || @ sloped @ 1839 | | | 7| S || south wind @ @ | | | 8| G ||Amos waz a wood-sawyer | * * * * * | | 9| M || @ more hot | | |10| T || @ @ now borrow | | |11| W || @ umbrellers @ @ | The hardest man to convince | |12| T || thunder @ showers | in an argument iz the one who | |13| F || let us hav @ @ | alwuss sez "_yes_" to everything | |14| S || peace @ inkreasing | yu say. | |15| G || hotness @ now pik | | |16| M || @ @ green corn @ | | |17| T || Wind southly @ @ | * * * * * | |18| W || @ @ virtew iz its | | |19| T || @ own reward @ very | | |20| F || dusty @ now inhale | I would rather a boy ov mine | |21| S || juleps @ @ hot grows | would be haff full ov deviltry, | |22| G || Mary Walker @ @ | than chuck full gravity,--but i | |23| M || @ born (!) 1840 | haint got enny boy yu know. | |24| T || kloudy @ Mary had | | |25| W || @ a little @ lam | | |26| T || cooler @ Job waz | * * * * * | |27| F || @ @ a pashunt @ | | |28| S || fellow @ very hot | | |29| G || @ @ now chew @ | The road to ruin iz down hill, | |30| M || ice @ @ go slow | and McAdamized at that. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE MILKSOP._

The milksop iz a human being who has not the stamina ov a man, nor the weakness ov a woman. He iz a hibrid ov the nuter gender, without karakter enuff to make him respekted, or dispized. These kind ov pholks are innosent enuff if they are well watched, but they need az mutch watching az a blind baby duz. They occupy quarters about haff way between a phool, and an ideot. If milksops would only keep still but few would suspekt them, but how strange it iz, that the thinner a man iz, the more anxious he iz to get into a strong light.

_THE MIZER._

The mizer digs hiz heart out hollow to stow away hiz munny in. He akumulates bi littles, and never opens hiz harte, only on a krak, to let another shilling in. An old mizer iz a sad sight enuff, but next to an ideot, a yung mizer iz the most revolting thing on earth. Mizers enjoy what they dont use, looze what they save, and die possessed ov the only treasure that iz ov no use to them. The most terrible sarkasm iz a mizers phuneral, the heir often makes it gorgeous, and expensiv, and then pitches hedlong into the pile the old phool haz left.

_CHALK MARKS._

Advice iz generally like the bred and cheese we giv to beggars, thrown over into the fust vacant lot they cum to.

* * * * *

Bigots, enthusiasts, and clothes pins, all hav the same sized heds on them.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1877.

Q.--Pleze to define buty? @ @ @

A.--Buty iz a blank catridge. @ @ @

_Short haired, and nervous az a ghost,
Answering to_"Bill," _or_ "Ned" _or_ "Fan,"
_Death on rats, and sirloin steak,
Behold the sparkling, Black and Tan._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _COQUETS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || Fiery hot @ now | I hav seen men load a gun | | 2| T || @ the kow pants | klean up to the muzzle to kill | | 3| F || @ thunder with @ | a chipping bird with, a git | | 4| S || litening @ Bill @ | knokt hed over heels when the | | 5| G || @ @ Sprauge died | gun went off, and miss the bird | | 6| M || 1500 @ more hot ! | besides. | | 7| T || Bill Sprauge waz @ | | | 8| W ||@ a fiddler @ hotter | | | 9| T ||Bill fiddled @ with ! | * * * * * | |10| F || @ hiz left hand @ | | |11| S || heavy rain @ @ | The man who livs the live | |12| G || @ sun in apogee @ | ov a toadey iz a kind ov human | |13| M || more cool @ now @ | spit box. | |14| T || @ keep cool @ hot | | |15| W || the grasshopper @ | | |16| T || @ @ iz a burden | * * * * * | |17| F || @ more hot @ @ | | |18| S || Moses waz a @ @ | Yu will find plenty ov folks | |19| G || @ meek man @ hot | who are red hott to hunt tigers | |20| M || wetness @ the @ | and wild kats, only muzzle the | |21| T || rackcoon iz @ @ | kussid kritters, and put them 10 | |22| W || @ a kuss @ Sarah | or fifteen miles off. | |23| T || @ @ Pettibone born | | |24| F || @ 1846 @ red hot @ | * * * * * | |25| S || Sarah waz kross @ | | |26| G || eyed @ @ still @ | The man who haz got nothing | |27| M || @ hotter @ @ in the | but the truth to tell allwuss uses | |28| T || @ @ midst ov @ | the fust words he kan lay hiz | |29| W || * life * we * are * | hands on. | |30| T || @ in death @ @ | | |31| F || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_LAZYNESS._

Lazyness seems to be az natral az onions, and just about az helthy too. The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav seen them so docile that they wouldn't fite flies. Lazyness iz often mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz between a hornet, and a fly. I had rather watch two raskalls than one shiftless kuss. Thare are sum things that will hurry lazyness, but death is the only sure kure for shifflessnes.

_LAFFTER._

Laffter iz the joy ov the soul comeing to the surface to hav a good time. The mule kant laff, and the devil wont. Laffing iz az natral az the meazles, and allmost as ketching, but the man who will laff when he dont feel like it, iz a grate koward to say the least, and may be a grate villain. Next to logick, to prove things, cums laffing, and the hardest man for ennyboddy, or enny thing, to beat, iz he who laffs at every thing.

_GIMBLETS._

I hav figgered onto it, and find that civilizashun kosts about 90 cents on the dollar.

* * * * *

One quarrellsum dog will demoralize all the curs in hiz naborhood.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1877.

Q.--Who iz the best lawyer? @ @ @

A.--He who duz the least bizzness. @ @ @

_What he kant steal must be tied down,
Ever reddy to caw, and to go,
Thare's nothing so full ov the devil,
Az the life, and labors, ov a tame krow._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _MISFITS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Delitesum @ | | | 2| G ||@ weather @ rain | Thare are two kinds of men | | 3| M ||listen to the @ @ | that fear makes phools ov, them | | 4| T ||@ mocking bird @ | who are afrade of nothing, and | | 5| W ||@ @ Pete Brown | them who are afrade of everything. | | 6| T ||@ waz diskovered @ | | | 7| F ||1856 @ Windy @ Pete | * * * * * | | 8| S ||waz diskovered @ | | | 9| G ||@ stealing chickens | | |10| M ||@ more weather @ | I would respekfully say to all | |11| T ||now brile quails @ | that klass, "_who want to be an | |12| W ||@ @ wind easterly | angell, and with the angels | |13| T ||@ hope deferred @ | dwell_," pleaze drop that noshun, | |14| F ||maketh @ the @ harte | and go at sumthing usefull, if the | |15| S ||@ sik @ more softness | Lord wants enny more angels, | |16| G ||@ @ Lucy Smith @ | he will let yu kno in due time. | |17| M || married 1800 @ | | |18| T ||@ @ it rains @ @ | * * * * * | |19| W ||@ @ Lucy married | | |20| T ||well @ now @ | | |21| F ||@ bile @ beans @ | Civil war iz like a fite in the | |22| S || | family, it seldum, if ever, waz | |23| G ||@ @ @ more mild | known to be healed. | |24| M ||@ strike while @ @ | | |25| T ||@ - the iron - @ | * * * * * | |26| W ||iz hot. @ @ cool | | |27| T || but @ pleasant | | |28| F ||10 mills make @ @ | If thare iz no hereafter, kats | |29| S ||one cent @ very | and dogs are better off than we | |30| G ||@ slick @ weather | are. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE DUK._

The duk iz a foul, naturalists say so, and common sense teaches it. Wild duks are very good shooting, and very good missing too, unless you understand the bizzness. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a few tale feathers, but that satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kinds ov sport, you know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard to git even if you do kill them. I shot one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I never hav told even mi wife ov this, and hope no one will repeat it.

_THE SANDY HILL CRANE._

The crane iz neither flesh, nor foul, but a sad mixtur ov theze two things. He mopes along the banks ov kreeks, and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over. He livs upon lizzards, and frogs, and sleeps standing on one leg, like a gide board. Sumtimes he tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pikax. When he flies thru the air he iz az gracephull az a wind mill that haz broke away from its fastenings. Cranes are not very plenty on this earth, but at the last quotations, the supply just about equals the demand.

_BLOSSOMS._

The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansesstors often wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.

* * * * *

How menny people thare are in this world who work for the devil all the time, and then look to the lord for their pay.

I dont never expekt to hav enny Poodle, but if i ever do, he must make
up hiz mind to be tied onto a long stik every Saturday and be used for
washing windows on the outside=

Jess so. Josh Billings.

If i kan hav all the salt makrell i want for brekfasst, I kan manage
to make the other two meals out ov kold water.=

Yes. Josh Billings.

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1877.

Q.--Will yu define luck? @ @ @

A.--Luck iz driftwood. @ @ @

_This Nu Foundland weighs 94 pounds,
And to save children iz willing,
If yu haint no pond, nor children to save,
The dog aint worth a shilling._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _IMPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || Bracing weather @ | | | 2| T || now squeeze @ @ | I never knu a man to brag ov | | 3| W || @ @ apples for | hiz munny, or hiz pedigree, who | | 4| T || sider @ more cool | had enny thing else worth bragging | | 5| F || @ @ Sam Lewis @ | about. | | 6| S || @ died @ 1492 @ | | | 7| G || frost @ @ Sam @ | | | 8| M || * waz * a * hard * | * * * * * | | 9| T || @ shell @ Babtiss | | |10| W || mutch frost @ @ | | |11| T || ß now exkavate | The meekest Moses in the | |12| F || -p-o-t-a-t-o-s-e- | whole lot iz the man who haz | |13| S || | found out that he kant git the | |14| G || @ @ kold grows | thing he wants the most. | |15| M || @ Solaman @ @ | | |16| T || @ had @ mutch @ | | |17| W || @ wives @ @ it | * * * * * | |18| T || hails @ @ haste | | |19| F || makes waste @ ~ | | |20| S || -- @ snow falls @ -- | Thare are but very few people | |21| G || @ now @ chew @ | in this world who hav got the | |22| M || sassage @ more | nerve to be allways sassy to the | |23| T || @ @ cool @ Kate | devil. | |24| W || @ Savage died @ | | |25| T || 1749 @ mutch @ | | |26| F || @ frosty @ Kate | * * * * * | |27| S || @ @ had a pug @ | | |28| G || nose @ @ now @ | | |29| M || @ @ lift turnips | Before a vice ov enny kind | |30| T || @ kolder @ @ | kan bekum very dangerous it | |31| W || @ @ go slo @ | haz got to bekum respektable. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_AN EPISTOL._

_Dear Snyder._--Yu tell me that yu hav got the blues, and want to kno how to git shut of them. The following resipees will heal yu in 90 days if yu stik to them klussly. To wit, marry sum delikate only dauter of 22 summers (more or less) and take yure mother in law home with yu to board, this will oil the pores of the sistem, and the blues will eskape like steam out of the noze of a tea kittle. Once more, hire out to keep a distrikt skool for 9 dollars per month, and hash around the naborhood, or take a 3 year old kiking heifer to brake to milk, this will open yure swareing valves, and so hurry the blood, that the blues will leave yu in disgust, and fasten their fangs on to sum other phellow. Againly, go down into sum marsh in the kingdum ov Nu Jersey fishing for frogs in the month ov August, and fish with one hand, and slap muskeeters with the other, and the blues will take the hint and vacate yure natur like a shooting-star. Try either ov the abuv alteratives, dear Snyder, and if they dont work, go into the bak yard of sum Irish woman and kut her clothes line when it iz filled with the weeks washing, and if yu dont git the blues taken out ov yu, and a good deal else besides, yu are a morbid kuss and wont pay for experimenting on.

_BUBBLES._

Hero's are skarse, but the man who kan make poverty respektable, is one ov them.

* * * * *

If yu would eskape envy, abuse, and taxes, yu must liv in a deep well, and only cum out in the nite time.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1877.

Q.--Who iz the dearest old aunt? @ @ @

A.--The one whoze bank account iz all right. @ @

_The Rackcoon haz a striped tail,
And steals green korn amazing,
Hiz hide iz worth 6 bits perhaps,
But coons wont pay for raizing._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _MAKE WEIGHTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Sloppy times @ | | | 2| F || now the pig @ @ | Mankind are a race ov coquets, | | 3| S || @ yells @ more | even virtew herself luvs | | 4| G || @ kold :|: Warren @ | once in a while to flirt with the | | 5| M || Davis failed @ @ | devil. | | 6| T || @ mutch weather | | | 7| W || @ @ Warren @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || Davis @ failed @ | | | 9| F || @ @ in the pea | | |10| S || @ nutt trade @ | Luvers will manage to liv on | |11| G || wet sloppines @ | luv for a very long time, with an | |12| M || @ @ Judas waz a | ockashional chance at beefstake | |13| T || | and onions. | |14| W || @ @ ded beat @ @ | | |15| T || !i¡n¡k¡r¡e¡a¡s¡i¡n¡g! | * * * * * | |16| F || @ weather @ expekt | | |17| S || @ pak pedlars @ | | |18| G || @ more @ kold @ | Biographys are delitesum reading, | |19| M || a stich in @ @ | we kompare all the virtews | |20| T || @ @ time saves @ | ov the persons karakter with our | |21| W || @ nine @ snow | own, and all hiz failings with our | |22| T || @ storm ~ Mag @ | nabors. | |23| F || Birch * died * 1826 | | |24| S || @ @ hi winds | * * * * * | |25| G || Mag want @ @ | | |26| M || @ @ a suckcess @ | | |27| T || @ sour ß kold @ | I know numbers who owe | |28| W || Ben Franklin @ @ | mutch ov their virtew to their | |29| T || @ flu a @ | ekonemy, they are too stingy to | |30| F || @ kite @ @ @ | pay the market price ov iniquity. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE OWL._

The owl iz a grizzly grey package, and haz a grate round face az sober, and intelligent az a cheshire cheese. They kant see bi dalite, but can see by starlite to pik up a pin. They hunt for a living, and are very smart, and sudden, on a field mouse, or a meddo mole. The most wonderphull thing about an owl iz the sollum importanse ov the whole kritter, az he sits on hiz perch, looking over kreashun, just az tho he owned the whole ov it. Next to a newly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, seated on hiz throne, with a poor devil before him charged with the emoshional krime ov stealing a string ov onions, the owl haz more rare, and unfathomable wisdum in hiz face than enny thing on earth. I hav looked at them for haff an hour stiddy, in a shop window, to see if they winkt, untill i waz ashamed ov mi impudense, but theze owls, i found out afterwards, waz stuffed. I would thank enny one to tell me if an owl ever duz wink, and if so, how often. Owls liv to a good old age, but are not good for diet, they are one ov the fu things we kno ov, that the more yu bile them, the tuffer they gro. Biled owl iz the most ungratefull vittles that enny man ever sot in front ov. I never et enny biled owl but once, and that waz 40 years ago, and i kan taste it now, every time i think ov it.

_REMNANTS._

I kno ov people so fond ov contradickshun that it wouldn't surprize me to hear them disputing with a guide board, at the forks ov sum kuntry road, about the distance to the next town.

* * * * *

Falling in luv iz like falling down stairs, we never kan tell exackly how the thing waz did.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1877.

Q.--Who iz the biggest hipokrit? @ @ @

A.--He who calls vice plezzure. @ @ @

_Az lean in flesh az a grid iron,
Sollum he sits, the old Fox hound,
Hiz ears hang down like wet rags,
And hiz keen noze studdys the ground._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _FROST WORK._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || Raw @ kold @ | | | 2| G || @ now jam fires | It ought to be a fair trade to | | 3| M || more @ rawy @ | swop religions, but whare will | | 4| T || Peter denied hiz | yu find the christian party that | | 5| W || @ master @ kold | iz willing to do it. | | 6| T || @ grows @ Dick @ | | | 7| F || @ @ Blister died | | | 8| S || @ 1839 @ more @ | * * * * * | | 9| G || inklement @ Dick | | |10| M || @ Blister * waz * a | | |11| T || @ konfidence man | I find it iz a grate deal eazier | |12| W || | for mi philosophy to ackount | |13| T || @ dredphul koldy @ | for original sin, than for an | |14| F || @ now dig @ | attack ov the jumping tooth ake. | |15| S || ice @ it snows ß | | |16| G || @ @ munny @ @ | | |17| M || iz power @ wind | * * * * * | |18| T || @ @ @ nor east | | |19| W || Jackson waz a Ψ @ | | |20| T || @ dimokrat @ big | Temptashuns iz what tries a | |21| F || @ snow ** in time | mans moral grip, Adam and | |22| S || @ @ ov peace ~ | Eve were very good plums untill | |23| || prepare @ for @ | the devil shook their bush, then | |24| M || @ @ war @ @ | they let go their holt immijiately. | |25| T || @ intense @ kold | | |26| W || @ Molly Bristow @ | | |27| T || born @ 1840 @ | * * * * * | |28| F || @ kolder @ Molly | | |29| S || @ waz * a * shop @ | | |30| G || @ lifter @ Good @ | Marrid life iz too often a mere | |31| M || @: Bye everyboddy | trial ov enduranse. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_TRIALS AND PERSEKUSHUNS OV AN AUTHOR._

Josh Billings' "_Farmer's Allminax_" for the year 1878 is now on our desk, and why will the friends of this man allow him to disgrace himself, and humanity too, by spreading such nonsense broadcast through the land?

_St. Louis Advance._

* * * * *

Vile trash! when are we to be released from this annual overflow, this ideotick Allminac? Kind heaven, tell us when.

_Milwaukee Daily Bread._

* * * * *

Over Ninety Thousand of Josh Billings' "_Farmer's Allminax_" are sold each year. How long iz this to continue? Will not the publick arise in their insulted dignity, and drive this pest from the world?

_Boston Pilgrim._

* * * * *

Shoot him! shoot the "_Allminax_" maker.

_Arkansas Bowie Knife._

* * * * *

Alass! alass! is there no eskape, is thare no place in the wide world that we can fly to, and be free from this sickening visit--this yearly avalanche? A curse on "Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax."

_Chicago Budget._

31 Days. JANUARY. 1878.

_The yung Trotter at first,
Az he stands bi hiz dam,
Is all legs like a shanghi,
And az meek az a lam._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BRILLIANTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Now prospekt | | | 2| W || for @ ice @ | I allwuss think that it iz good | | 3| T || sighns ov kold @ | taste, and pretty good religion | | 4| F || @ the bumble bee | too, when a man prays for the | | 5| S || iz still [?] very @ | sins ov the people, to count | | 6| G || Kold @ Pete Hyer | himself in. | | 7| M || Ω perished 1814 @ | | | 8| T || @ more @ kolder | | | 9| W || \ Pet @ choked / | * * * * * | |10| T || @ to deth < big | | |11| F || -: snouness :- | | |12| S || Pete Hyer @ waz ¶ | Wimmin dont like to be loved | |13| G || @ hung @ fine @ | too mutch, and i rejoice in their | |14| M || @ sleighing @ raw | spunk. | |15| T || | | |16| W || but Ω kold @ now | | |17| T || @ puntch @ fires | * * * * * | |18| F || < more @ snow > | | |19| S || hooping @ @ cough | | |20| G || invented ! = ? 1206 | Heathens, poor benighted kritters, | |21| M || more @ rauness | dont indulge in horse trotts, | |22| T || now () pay (!) yure | nor law suits neither. | |23| W || @tax@ snow 4 @ | | |24| T || feet deep @ Jane ~ | | |25| F || -: Barker Ψ fell :- | * * * * * | |26| S || 1832 (@) more @ | | |27| G || @ kolder Jane @ | | |28| M || @ Barker @ fell @ | If you hav enny doubt about | |29| T || @ down cellar (!) | the propriety ov a thing, you | |30| W || @ now ¶ krak @ | may be pretty certain that the | |31| T || > buttnutts. < | doubt iz right. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW._

The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent from enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny nests, but lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz darn mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick.

_THE JACKDAW._

The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv, and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss to him az they kan git.

_CHIPS._

The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskovered yet, iz to find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him.

* * * * *

About the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around the corner.

28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1878.

_But he grows like a weed,
'Till he iz four years old,
He iz hi headed, and rangey,
Flat-footed, and bold._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BAUBLES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Kold @ more | | | 2| S ||so @ now thrash @ |About the hardest condishun | | 3| G ||beans @ very @ |ov life to sustain, iz one ov | | 4| M ||kolder > Betsey -: |respektable poverty. | | 5| T ||Mitchell @ born @ | | | 6| W ||1842 @ kold @ | * * * * * | | 7| T ||continues @ @ Betsey | | | 8| F ||Mitchell -: had @ | | | 9| S ||a @ cork leg < |Thare are folks who kant bear | |10| G ||@ kolder @ still ¶ |to do enny thing unless thare iz a | |11| M ||@ now smite @ |commishun in it, if they subskribe | |12| T ||wood @ wind west § |a thousand dollars for bilding a | |13| W ||Hank Brewster @ |church, they want 10 per cent off | |14| T ||died 1796 @ snow |for cash. | |15| F ||@ falls @ Hank @ | | |16| S ||Brewster § died a @ | * * * * * | |17| G || | | |18| M ||@ lazyness @ kold @ | | |19| T ||waxes § now the @ |The man who kant find enny | |20| W ||hornet is hush § sum |thing to do, gennerally hunts with | |21| T ||more snow * whiske |grate caushun. | |22| F ||iz a tonick = very ¶ | | |23| S ||kold @ now pla kards | * * * * * | |24| G ||it thaws @ Lazarus | | |25| M ||died poor @ sighns | | |26| T ||ov snow @ now @ |Buty has won menny a viktory | |27| W ||renew notes @ more |but seldum has suckceeded in | |28| T ||snow @ keep calm. |keeping it long. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_K._

_Kontentment_ iz not one ov mi strong holts, i never am kontented unless i am fast asleep. If i could hav mi choice, to be thoroly kontented with things az i find them in this world, or be a Rockaway klam, i would be the klam.

_L._

_Luv_ iz a game for young folks to pla at, but when a man gits az old, and az homely az i am, and takes a hand at it, he iz sure to git ukered. If ten waz the game, Cupid could giv an old phellow seven points, and then beat him badly.

_M._

_Milk Puntch_ iz a fluid that i do luv extrornary well, and aint ashamed to oun it. But whether it iz the milk in it, or the puntch in it, that suits me so well, i aint obliged to tell. Human natur iz weak yu kno, and needs a little puntching up, in a hot day.

_N._

_Nonsense_ iz one ov mi prinsipal weaknesses, i luv it in any shape, but az quails on toast improve the quails, and dont hurt the toast, so i prefer to hav mi nonsense bilt on sense. Good nonsense iz one ov the rarest artikles in the literary bazaar, and allwuss commands admirashun, and fetches a good price.

_SQUIBS._

Human beings are natral slovens, yu hav got to hold a yung one tight to wash hiz face the fust time, and to comb hiz hair, yu hav acktually got to run him down.

* * * * *

The man who haint never bin cheated, dont kno so mutch az he will sum day before long perhaps.

31 Days. MARCH. 1878.

_Then he iz harnesst, and broke,
A hard task indeed,
And, handled quite gently,
To draw out his speed._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BAGATELLES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Windy :- now |An illustrious pedigree iz a | | 2| S || hunt for @ maple |risky possesshun, the world wont | | 3| G ||sugar @ :- mutch @ |kompare you with yure peers, nor | | 4| M || @ wind @ Jabez x |with yureself, but are all the time | | 5| T || Brown @ run @ |striking a ballance between you, | | 6| W || away @ 1840:- it |and yure ded grandfather | | 7| T ||@ rains -: Jabez @ | | | 8| F || @ run @ away | * * * * * | | 9| S || with (@) Suzan @ | | |10| G || @ Fletcter + now |A _ded beat_ iz a natural born | |11| M || > the frog @ |hipokrit, he haz kapasity enuff to | |12| T || @ ! yells ! @ |make him respektable, but the | |13| W || @ windy @ some @ |devil holds a fust mortgage on | |14| T || haste @ makes @ |it. | |15| F ||@ waste ( ! ) rain | | |16| S || @ and @ wind | * * * * * | |17| G || @ now = fri @ | | |18| M || nutcakes @ sum * |A careless man in a family iz | |19| T || @ more @ wind = |simply a noosance, but a sluttish | |20| W ||† Joel † Sprauge † |woman iz wuss than a blister. | |21| T || @ marrid 1400 > | | |22| F || wind @ nor west @ | * * * * * | |23| S || now @ murder @ | | |24| G || @ kats @ more |I hav finally got to that | |25| M || :: wind @ buty |point whare I aint very posative | |26| T || @ for @ ashes < |ov what other people kno, and | |27| W ||+ wind * howleth :: |aint at all certain ov what I kno | |28| T || @ sow @ peas @ |miself. | |29| F || @ more @ wind @ | | |30| S || > go @ slow @ | | |31| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE CENTAUR._