Chapter VII: Part 7

I hav written sevral very poplar obituary notisses ov the krow, but find that i hav stated a good deal about them that wazn't jist so, and left unsed mutch that waz true. The krow iz az cunning az a Tombs lawyer, and just about az mutch ov a ded beat. Yu kant ketch one in a trap, and if you should, yu could not bile one in a pot, soft enuff to eat, in 3 weeks. A tame krow, and a civilized injun, may be a moral triumph on the face ov it, but when yu cum to examine the other side ov it, yu will find that yu hav overdid the bizzness. If all the krows, and injuns, in this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwell to all other manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30 thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory natur are passed, daming the farmers for putting up skare krows in the kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow swopping wives, the meeting disseminates, and the krows fli away.

_HOLD!_

Dont keep but one dog, no one but a pauper kan afford to keep three.

* * * * *

If yu are going to make amuzements a stiddy bizzness, ketching flies iz az good az enny.

31 Days. MARCH. 1876.

Q.--What are bording-houses? @ @

A.--Asylums for cockroaches. @ @ @

_John heard next that dieting,
Waz the only thing 'twould kure him,----
Liv on a jill of soup a day,
And they offered to insure him._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _FRONT TEETH._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || Windy @ winds @ | | | 2| T || @ Congress gits | Wize men sumtimes bild air | | 3| F || together @ [ @ | kastles just for the fun ov the | | 4| S || now ß look out | thing, it iz only the phools who | | 5| G || @ @ for wind | bild them, and then undertake to | | 6| M || watch hens @ @ | liv in them. | | 7| T || @ for eggs @ | | | 8| W || @ wind more @ so | | | 9| T || Frank Dutcher | * * * * * | |10| F || appeared 1742 @ | | |11| S || @ wind howls @ | I hav seen folks who waz violently | |12| G || | oppozed to gambling, simply | |13| M || @ @ Frank @ @ | bekauze they had found out | |14| T || D-u-t-c-h-e-r | that they couldn't win. | |15| W || @ @ waz @ @ a | | |16| T || failure @ ~ @ | | |17| F || wind @ shouts | * * * * * | |18| S || @ now ! ask @ | | |19| G || k!o!n!u!md!r!u!m!s | | |20| M || @ @ windy @ @ | I notiss one thing, when a man | |21| T || William @ Penn | stubs his toe he cussess all | |22| W || @ @ waz a @ @ | kreashun fust, then the toe, but | |23| T || quaker @ @ @ | never himself. | |24| F || @ wind @ | | |25| S || frackshus ¶ @ @ | | |26| G || @ now hunt | * * * * * | |27| M || weazels @ @ @ | | |28| T | | @ wind @ | | |29| W || more south :: | Dont change yure bait mi boy, | |30| T || @ @ @ than it | if yu are ketching fish with angle | |31| F || (w) (a) (z) @ @ | worms--stik to the worms. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE KROTON BUG._

The kroton bug are dirty blak kusses, without enny pedigree, and ov no more use than an extra fli in a plate ov soup. They hang around wet and damp places, and are all the time either going in, or comeing out, ov every krak in that naborhood. Thare iz no begining, nor end, to their number, and if yu bore a hole with a gimblet, enny whare near a plug basin, the next day the krotons will be az thick around it, az tho a nu 3 cent gin mill had just been opened thare. What they liv on no naturalist knows, or dassent tell, and yu kant git rid ov them, enny more than you kan skare the flies out ov a sugar hogshed, by hollering at them. They are allwuss on the move like a grasshopper, but what they are about, or would like to hav, they kant even tell them selfs. Thare iz a powder advertized which they say will klean the kroton bugs all out ov the house in 4 days. I am no gambler, but i will give the powder 7 days the start, and then bet on the bugs. Thare is only one sure way to git the krotons out ov a house, burn up the house and let a strong east wind blo the ashes away.

_DWELL._

The devil allwuss keeps the gide boards that lead to hiz dominions, fresh painted, and in good order.

* * * * *

I never knu a man yet who waz allwuss watching his helth, to die enny whare near az soon az he expekted to.

30 Days. APRIL. 1876.

Q.--Define a pig. @ @ @

A.--Pork in pantaletts. @ @ @

_For two years John lived on nothing,
And walkt like a ghost on a raid,
'Till he lookt like the piktur abuv,
Which kost us a "V" to hav made._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _HED LIGHTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ @ It rains @ @ | | | 2| G || bright @ and @ | Dont never trust a man at the | | 3| M || butiful @ let | rate ov 50 cents on a dollar,--if | | 4| T || @ @ her rain @ @ | yu kant konfide in him at par, | | 5| W || now stik in lettiss | let him slide. | | 6| T || @ sum @ @ more @ | | | 7| F || @ rain @ | | | 8| S || now @ the ß frog | * * * * * | | 9| G || @ squeals a wet @ | | |10| M || @ day @ @ @ | I dont kno which iz the biggest | |11| T || Joab ¶ @ Mitchell | phool, the man who kan spend | |12| W || @ died 1769 @ | two hours bragging about himself, | |13| T || mizzling wet @ @ | or the one who kan sit pashuntly | |14| F || @ @ @ Joab loved | and listen to him. | |15| S || old cider @ wind | | |16| G || southy @ @ about | | |17| M || now ~ @ @ @ | * * * * * | |18| T || | | |19| W || @ thrust in arly @ | It iz very diffikult for a man to | |20| T || peas @ @ @ moist | change his pollyticks, or hiz | |21| F || but @ wet @ @ @ | religion, without being suspekted | |22| S || ekonemy is welth | ov having very little ov either. | |23| G || @ @ it rains @ | | |24| M || Daniel Webster | | |25| T || @ @ knu law ß @ | * * * * * | |26| W || it @--@ drizzles | | |27| T || @ @ @ "vox @ @ @ | | |28| F || non est @ @ @ | The two bizzyest persons in | |29| S || con-fab-u-lus" § | this world about nothing, iz a | |30| G || @ :~. @ | country gossip, and a June bug. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM._

The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing, az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a word wrong, or parse a sentence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less larning than she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a larnt woman az hiz wife iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid, she soothed me when i waz frackshus, and she often (good soul) giv me a titbit from her luncheon at noon time. May Heaven bless, and comfort her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz stepmother to every boddys yung ones.

_STOP._

A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other 2 things i kno ov.

* * * * *

Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things.

31 Days. MAY. 1876.

Q.--What iz honesty? @ @ @

A.--The wag ov a dogs tail. @ @ @

_Johnny then bought a hard trotter,
And rode himself weak az a rag,
Then sold him for 19 dollars,
Just haff that he gave for the nag._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _WEATHER COCKS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Hoss radish @ | | | 2| T || haz cum @ @ @ | Thare iz now and then a fool | | 3| W || wind south-east | so well bred that he is really | | 4| T || @ @ @ @ | quite endurable. | | 5| F || @@ grindstuns @@ | | | 6| S || diskovered @ 1714 | | | 7| G || @ @ wet showers | * * * * * | | 8| M || Ralph Goodo @ | | | 9| T || @ @ @ born 1109 | | |10| W || mild but plezant | Gossip that iz travelling around | |11| T || @ @ @ | loose iz a lie, or will be, bi the | |12| F || @ @ Ralph @ @ | time it haz changed hands once | |13| S || loved @ @ sassage | more. | |14| G || @ prepare @ | | |15| M || for nice @ @ @ | * * * * * | |16| T || @ weather @ | | |17| W || man waz @ @ @ @ | I wrote 5 years just for glory, | |18| T || kreated ¶ a @ little | and met with sum glory, but | |19| F || lower than the | when i asked for pay, every boddy | |20| S || @ angells @ and @ | found out at once, that i waz | |21| G || | a kussid phool. | |22| M || haz been @ @ @ | | |23| T || @ gitting @ | | |24| W || a @ little @ lower | | |25| T || @ ever since @ | * * * * * | |26| F || now @ @ insert | | |27| S || @ @ arly corn @ @ | | |28| G || @ @ Pharaoh fell @ | Thare iz lots ov pholks who if | |29| M || warm @ ~ @ @ | they should miss their morning | |30| T || @ @ @ @ into the | paper wouldn't kno mutch ov | |31| W || red see @ @ @ | ennything for that day | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE RED CURRANT_

Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe, are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in a hot day, than pik currants but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy, and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a century old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny now, az they waz then. I wish ı waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i kno now, ı would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out.

_REFLEKT_

A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most.

* * * * *

Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man.

Next to a klear conshunce, for solid cumfort, cums an
eazy boot.=

Try both. Josh Billings

Dont dispize yure poor relashuns, they may bekum suddenly
ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain things to them.=

Undoubtedly so, Josh Billings.

30 Days. JUNE. 1876.

Q.--Define a perfume. @ @ @

A.--Rape ov the flowers. @ @ @

_Five years John spent hunting tonicks,
He drank all the kures in the land,
And lost so mutch flesh he waz forced
To hold up hiz pants with each hand._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _TOP KNOTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Sighns ov warmness | | | 2| F || @ @ @ Ruth | He who elevates hiz profeshun | | 3| S || Comstok born | iz the best mechanik, whether he | | 4| G || @ @ 1786 @ @ | preaches the gospel, peddles | | 5| M || @ Ruth Comstok @ | phisick, or skins eels for a living.| | 6| T || had the @ dispepshy | | | 7| W || @ more rain @ | | | 8| T || @ @ now expekt | * * * * * | | 9| F || litening rod @ @ | | |10| S || @ @ venders | Lazyness iz a terrible burden | |11| G || @: hot but wet :@ | to carry, and it iz one ov them | |12| M || | kind ov burdens that yu kant | |13| T || § June bugs ¶ @ | dump, if you want to ever so | |14| W || @ @ @ have cum | mutch. | |15| T || more heat @ @ @ | | |16| F || Mark @ Twain | | |17| S || @ is a funny kuss @ | * * * * * | |18| G || expekt hotness @ | | |19| M || @ @ now bury ~ | | |20| T || potatoes @ @ @ | It aint no disgrace for a man to | |21| W || @ @ not so warm | fall, but to lay thare, and grunt, | |22| T || @ Old Grimes @ | iz. | |23| F || is ded @ @ @ | | |24| S || hunt @ for @ frogs | | |25| G || @ hind legs @ | * * * * * | |26| M || thunder and @ @ | | |27| T || @ @ litening | | |28| W || @ thare iz a @ | An old man desperately in luv | |29| T || divinity shapes | iz an objekt ov pitty, he iz az | |30| F || @ our ends @ @ | bad off az a lost dog. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE LITENING ROD MAN._

Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze litening rod fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it, kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent rite to.

_ESPOUSE._

The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so with the next 3.

* * * * *

It aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself.

31 Days. JULY. 1876.

Q.--What are sassages? @ @ @

A.--Doggerels. @ @ @

_Our pashunt now took to reading,
He studdid the liver ov man,
Untill he knu what ailed him,
A heap less, than when he began._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _RIGHT BOWERS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || Big-hotness @ @ | | | 2| G || @ @ Paul waz an | Luv is the strongest pashun ov | | 3| M || apostle @ @ @ | a woman's harte, she has got to | | 4| T || @ sighns @ ov @ | luv sumthing, either a baby, a | | 5| W || @ @ thunder @ | nu bonnet, a lap dog, or the | | 6| T || now destroy grass | heathen. | | 7| F || @ Sam Perkins @ | | | 8| S || died @ 1836 | * * * * * | | 9| G || very mutch hot @ | | |10| M || @ @ Sam Perkins | | |11| T || @ waz @ a @ pharo @ | I am allwuss more than haff | |12| W || -][- dealer :--: | afraid ov the man, who kant talk | |13| T || | 5 minnitts with me, on enny subjekt,| |14| F || @ @ heat hottens | without expressing grate | |15| S || @ ¶ @ @ | anxiety about my soul. | |16| G || snakes ~ hav cum | | |17| M || @ @ it rains @ @ | * * * * * | |18| T || Ward Beecher | | |19| W || @ iz a preecher @ | | |20| T || @ @ expekt @ | Go slo yung man, if yu tap | |21| F || thunder @ @ @ | both ends ov yure cider barrell | |22| S || @ ~ @ musketore | at once, and draw out ov the | |23| G || @ perforate @ @ | bung hole besides; yure cider | |24| M || hotly @ ¶ cheuing | aint a going to hold out long. | |25| T || gum @ diskovered | | |26| W || @ @ 1596 @ @ | | |27| T || Adam waz our @ | * * * * * | |28| F || @ @ @ beginning | | |29| S || @ mutch § hot @ | Eat hash washing days, and be | |30| G || 3 cheers ß @ @ | thankfull for it, even if yu hav | |31| M || @ @ @ for Adam | to shut both eyes to do it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE PEACH._

Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint haff so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach, this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how artless, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and mello yu may call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to.

_DIGEST._

I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav thought, that a travelling korn doktor, waz the last one i should adopt, just for the sake ov glory.

* * * * *

Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1876.

Q.--Define dispepshy. @ @ @

A.--Nightmare ov the stummuk.

_John bought next a kord of hard wood,
And sawed like a man on a bet,
It bent him dubble,--if it hadn't,--
John would have sawed at it yet._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _QUEEN BEES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Mutch warm @ @ | He who aims at perfekshun | | 2| W || @ now consume | will probably miss the mark, but | | 3| T || @ juleps @ @ @ | he who aims at nothing, iz sure | | 4| F || thunder showers | to hit it every time. | | 5| S || Pete Larkins @ | | | 6| G || @ absconds 1741 | * * * * * | | 7| M || @ .: @ @ | | | 8| T || @ immense heat @ | | | 9| W || now @ @ @ @ | The man who haz been waiting | |10| T || [ ¶ ] : : pik geese | for the last 15 years, for sumthing | |11| F || @ more hotter @ | to turn up, iz to work on the | |12| S || Eve waz our (!) | same job yet. | |13| G || @ @ fust mother | | |14| M || @ less @ hot @ | | |15| T || fleas are here @ @ | * * * * | |16| W || @ @ @ big rain | | |17| T || pills diskovered 436 | I had a grate deal rather be | |18| F || @ hot @ seems @ | told that a man is virteuous, and | |19| S || | morely | | honest, than to hear that hiz | |20| G || now snatch @ @ | father is a member ov congress, | |21| M || @ @ @ doun oats | or even that hiz grandfather, fit | |22| T || thunder @ @ and | into the revolushun. | |23| W || @ @ @ litening @ | | |24| T || Ben Franklin @ @ | | |25| F || @ @ @ waz a @ | * * * * * | |26| S || S¡p¡e¡n¡d¡t¡h¡r¡i¡f¡t | | |27| G || expekt @ flies | Men sumtimes hav doubts about | |28| M || Judas Iskariott @ | their religion, and even honesty, | |29| T || @ waz a @ @ @ | but i never met one who doubted | |30| W || @ @ @ failure | his shrewdness. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BUMBLE BEE._

The bumble bee iz a kind ov big fly who goes muttering, and swareing around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions, and thissells. He iz mad all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis, bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. The proffit dont seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumble bee neither. They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a noshun too, and aint afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool, if they meddle with them. I dont blame the bumble bee, nor enny other fellow, for defending hiz sugar, it iz the fust, and last Law ov natur, and i hope the law wont never run out. The smartest thing about the bumble bee iz their stinger.

_DISCUSS._

Mice very seldum cum out ov a hole that iz clussly watched.

* * * * *

I fully beleave in ghosts, but I never herd yet ov two persons seeing the same ghost, at the same time.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1876.

Q.--Define thunder. @ @ @

A.--Lightning on a bust. @ @ @

_John's minister called on him now,
His case exciting alarm,
The good man sed,_ "John is all right,"
_Only go to work on a farm._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _UPPER KRUSTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Mildly @ @ | The gratest bores in the world | | 2| S || now @ @ crickets | are those who are eternally trieing | | 3| G || simmer @ soft @ @ | to prove to yu that 2, and 2, | | 4| M || @ Fred Johnsing | allwuss makes 4. | | 5| T || deceased @ @ @ | | | 6| W || @ @ wind east | | | 7| T || Johnsing waz @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| F || @ a barber @ | | | 9| S || now lift @ @ | | |10| G || onions @ warm | One ov the simplest ways to | |11| M || @ @ rane @ @ | try menny men's faith iz, to ask | |12| T || Chapin @ iz @ a | them to subskribe for fixing up | |13| W || p*r*e*a*c*h*e*r | the meeting house. | |14| T || @ : mild : @ | | |15| F || @ September @ | | |16| S || now the cuckoo | * * * * * | |17| G || @ @ @ hollers | | |18| M || expekt showers @ | | |19| T || @ @ Sim Darling | Free luv is the science ov luveing | |20| W || born 1492 * ~ @ | sumboddy else's wife more | |21| T || @ @ @ "si quod | than yu do yure own, and trieing | |22| F || infantum" @ @ | to preserve a good average,--it | |23| S || @ much pleasant | kant be did. | |24| G || now the lamb @ | | |25| M || @ @ bleats @ @ | * * * * * | |26| T || @ sweet @ weather | | |27| W || giv us your hand | | |28| T || @ stranger @ | Stealing is the oldest sin on | |29| F || @ @ for 90 days | rekord,--stealing apples. | |30| S || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE YELLO JACKET._

The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot. They are az yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle. When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. I hav seen them pitch on to each other, and having killed their man, close up the fite by stinging themselfs to death. Dont go near a yellow jacket's nest in the month of August, unless yure life iz insured, not even a hard shell Baptist, or a missionary, would be safe in that naborhood. They kant tell a friend from a foe, and I think would sting a potash kittle, a dozen times, and not mistrust it waz iron. They make homes for themselfs out in the lots amungst the ploughed ground, and i hav seen them bile out ov their nests like a distrikt skool let out for noon, or a smothered fire, and pitching into the oxen, farmer, and plough, drive the whole party, on the jump, off from the premises.

_EMBRACE._

Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git.

* * * * *

Lazy men, and black ants, are allwuss hunting for a job.

Thare iz no phun in gitting kikt bi a mule, but thare iz lots ov
phun in knowing that he kant do it agin.=

How is this, Josh Billings

Falling in luv, iz like falling down stairs.--we never kan tell
exackly how the thing waz did.=

In haste, Josh Billings

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1876.

Q.--Deskribe old maids. @ @ @

A.--Embers from which the sparks hav fled.

_Our hero soon found out a place,
With a farmer, kind hearted indeed,
Who let him ho corn for nothing,
And only charged John for his feed._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _MORNING STARS._* | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ @ @ Jack | Seckond luv, iz like a seckond | | 2| M || Frosty @ @ @ | case ov the measles, the pashunt | | 3| T || @ now @ hunt @ | iz sure to allwuss hav it light. | | 4| W || butternuts @ @@ | | | 5| T || @ cool but wet @ | | | 6| F || John Bunyan @ | * * * * * | | 7| S || @ @ waz a pilgrim | | | 8| G || @ more cool @ | | | 9| M || now trap @ @ | Yu kant hire a man to be honest, | |10| T || @ @ for rats @ | if yer do, he will want his | |11| W || @ wind northy @ | wages raised every morning. | |12| T || apple sass@ @ @ | | |13| F || @ @ invented 986 | | |14| S || wet but cool @ @ | * * * * * | |15| G || @ @ @ now jerk | | |16| M || turnips @ @ @ | | |17| T || @ @ more @ | Thare iz a grate deal ov religion | |18| W || moistly @ @ @ | in this world that iz like a life | |19| T || sun in @ apogee | preserver, only put on at the | |20| F || @ frosty now @ | moment ov extreme danger, and | |21| S || @ destroy @ early @ | then half the time put on hind | |22| G || @ pork @ | side before. | |23| M || sum snow @ @ | | |24| T || @ @ Dan Barker | | |25| W || kikt the bucket @ | * * * * * | |26| T || @ 1691 @ @ | | |27| F || koldy @ now | | |28| S || smash @ wood @ | Most people are like an egg, | |29| G || muskeeters skarse* | too full of themselves to hold | |30| M || | enny more. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE YANKEE PEDLAR._

Probably the sharpest man that the world haz been blest with thus far iz the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mistake amung a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the proffit lies in a dicker, and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity, and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man, and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the mile stuns, iz fast fading away.

_SEIZE._

Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss wins the munny.

* * * * *

If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1876.

Q.--What are oaths? @ @ @

A.--Sin in italicks. @ @ @

_John read in a hand bill somewhare,
That salt water was shure to save him,
So he went forthwith to Long Branch,
And hired a man to bathe him._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _EARLY BIRDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || Kold but sour @ | | | 2| T || @ @ now worry | Thoze who are too proud to | | 3| F || the fires @ @ @ | enquire what a thing kosts when | | 4| S || sno | 9| foot @ | they buy it, are the fust ones to | | 5| G || @ @ @ deep | find fault when they cum to pay | | 6| M || Zeke @ Rathbun | for it. | | 7| T || failed 1862 @ @ | | | 8| W || kold @ @ grows | | | 9| T || @ Zeke waz in @ | * * * * * | |10| F || @ @ @ @ | | |11| S || the pea nut @ @ | | |12| G || @ ~ @ profeshun | | |13| M || | Kards, whiskey, and hoss raceing, | |14| T || grate kold @ @ | bring all men down to the | |15| W || @ @ now @ @ | same level. | |16| T || mastikate @ @ @ | | |17| F || @ @ @ | | |18| S || @ ham and egg | * * * * * | |19| G || kolder :: @ @ | | |20| M || @ avoid @ tite @ | | |21| T || @ boots @ | If a man writes for fame, the | |22| W || sno inkreases @ @ | less he writes, the better. | |23| T || @ @ Satan iz @ | | |24| F || @ @ @ | | |25| S || a @ mean @ kuss | * * * * * | |26| G || it ~ thaws | | |27| M || mutch kold @ ß | | |28| T || @ @ hitch up to | When a man meazzures out | |29| W || the fire @ @ @ | glory for himself, he allwuss heaps | |30| T || ¶ @ @ ¶ | the haff bushel. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE KUNTRY HOSS JOCKEY._

For a red hot speciality, yu hav got to hunt kreashun cluss, to find an equal, to the kuntry hoss jockey. He iz allwuss a man ov plezant temperament, vain ov hiz opinyuns, often ov more fancy than judgement, and quik to decide. He haz but little real affecksun for a hoss, and only luvs him, for the cheat that iz in him. He iz allwuss reddy to trade for enny thing, from a yerling kolt, to the kavalry hoss that Gen Butler rode, at the battle ov Brandywine. He never knows when he gits cheated, and ever thinks, that the last nag he got, iz the best one he ever owned. He iz not bothered with too mutch conscience, and would az soon lay out a travelling preacher in a swop, az hiz own father-in-law, and do it without enny malice, but just for the honor ov the profeshun. I dont kno whi it iz, that a man kan trade cows and be pious, or swop oxen, and be a good deakon, or even negoshiate dogs, and be lookt upon favourably, but when he goes into the hoss trading enterprize, if he kant cheat, he haz mistaken hiz calling, and aint happy. The hoss jockey iz sumtimes honest from policy, and the man who iz simply honest from policy, needs az mutch watching az a hive ov bees do, who are just gitting reddy to swarm.

_DISKOUNT._

If yu want to find out the utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a dubble tooth to stop akeing.

* * * * *

A boy will learn to sware well, in just haff the time it takes to learn the 10 commands.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1876.

Q.--What iz a fiddle? @ @ @

A.--A ticklish thing. @ @ @

_John kept growing wusser and wuss,
Thinner, and thinner each day,
At last he waz nothing but mist,
And an East wind blu him away._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _MIXT PHOOD._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ ~ @ Raw kold | | | 2| S || now whissell @ @ | Whiskey makes a grate menny | | 3| G || @ in your kats | wize men to day, and phools | | 4| M || more snowy @ @ | tommorow. | | 5| T || @ @ Sue Benson | | | 6| W || died 1812 @ @ | * * * * * | | 7| T || @ expekt @ snow | | | 8| F || Sue @ waz @ a * flirt | | | 9| S || mutch raw ß @ | Persons who marry after a long | |10| G || @ @ @ now | and tejus courtship, go into | |11| M || con::glom::e::rate | bizzness with just about the same | |12| T || @ sassage @ | alakraty, that an old plough hoss | |13| W || | jogs to church on Sunday. | |14| T || wind north ~ ¶ | | |15| F || @ @ Noah @ @ | | |16| S || owned @ the @ ark | * * * * * | |17| G || @ @ it @ snows | | |18| M || let her snow @ @ | | |19| T || @ @ @ hansum iz | Kuriosity is the same in all | |20| W || az hansum duz @ | people, the vulgar stare, and the | |21| T || @ :@: @ | refined peek thru a krak. | |22| F || :|: quite snowfull ~ | | |23| S || now slay @ @ | | |24| G || @ @ @ turkeys | * * * * * | |25| M || Noah @ Webster | | |26| T || @ bilt the @ | | |27| W || dikshionary @ @ @ | It is sed that men will tell the | |28| T || @ @ @ | truth when they are drunk, but | |29| F || may we all meet | sutch folks will lie more than | |30| S || @ @ @ next year | enuff to ballance the akount, | |31| G || GOOD-BYE !!!! | just az soon az they git sober. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OV THE PRESS._

Josh Billings still livs, and his Allminax for 1877 iz full ov joy for the sad, and rest for the weary.

_Atlantik Monthly._

* * * * *

How natural, how happy, how concise, how forcible, it is, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.

_Appleton's Journal._

* * * * *

Welcome, sweet morsel of delight, ever funny, and ever profound, Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the current year.

_Harpers' Bazzar._

* * * * *

Bully for you Josh, hit 'em agin, slay, and spare not, may you outlive Methuseler, and not haul in your gang plank until Gabriel cries, "All a board."

_Springfield Republican._

* * * * *

Aroma of lovelyness, perfume of joy, essence of tiltilation, breath of beauty, seance of bliss, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.

_Lady's Book._

31 Days. JANUARY. 1877.

Q.--How iz yure mother-in-law? @ @ @ @

A.--Pretty well i thank yu, how iz yures? @ @ @

_Hawk eyed, and spileing for a fight,
If enny one thinks they kan lick him,
Just let them put up the spondulicks,
And trot out the other game chicken._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _PETS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Now dig ice | | | 2| T || @ kold @ but | A man with mutch welth, and | | 3| W || raw @ ¶ meazles | no pedigree, should do az the | | 4| T || diskovered 1312 @ | bob tailed kats do, set down on | | 5| F || @ * snowfull * @ | himself, and keep still. | | 6| S || Adam fell @ hard | | | 7| G || ::: wind north @ | | | 8| M || § Enok Jones died | * * * * * | | 9| T || @ 1102 -- more | | |10| W || snow @ Enok < | | |11| T || @ Jones was a free | Tricks upon travellers are allwuss | |12| F || | dangerous experiments, i | |13| S || lover @ sighns @@ | hav known a ded hornet to | |14| G || ov melting @ now | wake up sudden, and sting just | |15| M || destroy sum -- @ | once more. | |16| T || hogs @ it rains @ | | |17| W || @ litening @ bugs | | |18| T || fust seen 956 @ (!) | * * * * * | |19| F || × inkreasing snow | | |20| S || @ mormonism @ | | |21| G || invented 1832 () * | Familiarity iz a dangerous | |22| M || @ @ snow 4 feet | experiment, the most familiar thing | |23| T || deep * now the @ | in the whole world iz a puppy, | |24| W || [Φ] muskeeter [Φ] | and the oftenest stept on. | |25| T || lies @ @ dreaming | | |26| F || @ cold @ @ @ | * * * * * | |27| S || morely @ + @ | | |28| G || @ now @ the | | |29| M || @ :o: kat Ω @ | This is my plan,--to beleave | |30| T || huggeth the @ @ | all things that i hear, but to put | |31| W || --Φ-- @ stove | mi faith, and munny, in but few. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SUM ABRUPT LETTERS._

_Dear Bob._--The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers, who haz bekum the terror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time hammering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father, or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50 dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress.

P. S.--Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a job.--J. B.

* * * * *

_Dear Steve._--It iz hard work to be in luv and not akt phoolish, but luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam, and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wisdum, and ambishun iz no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the hewn grass.

* * * * *

_Dear Hank._--When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom.

_BULBS._

Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on.

* * * * *

Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life.

28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1877.

Q.--What iz the smartest thing that a man kan do? @ @ @

A.--To drink pepper sass. @ @ @ @

_An ugly lump is the Tarrier Bull,
For fighting allwuss reddy,
With Mike O'Rowke he travels,
And his name iz one eyed Teddy._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _VAGRANTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || The kold @!@ | Life aint mutch more than a | | 2| F || chatters @@ Bill | farce enny how, but it iz quite | | 3| S || Comstock deceased | necessary that the play should | | 4| G || !! 1746 @ sighn ov | go on, and the farce be well | | 5| M || snow @ Bill @ | ackted. | | 6| T || Comstock died ov | | | 7| W || ¶ § a broken heart | * * * * * | | 8| T || more koldful () @ | | | 9| F || @ Bill Comstock @ | The man whoze ambishun iz | |10| S || tried to lift a @ @ | simply to liv, iz of no more | |11| G || ton * kolder * but | importanse in this world, than an | |12| M || | extra rat iz. | |13| T || couldn't @ @ snow | | |14| W || @ falls @ sun in | * * * * * | |15| T || apogee @ bitter § | | |16| F || kold @ rats are | If Adam and Eve had remained | |17| S || skarse @ it storms | in the garden ov Eden untill to | |18| G || C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r | day, they would hav simply been | |19| M || Columbus @ @ @ | two fat, overgrown babys. | |20| T || @ diskovered @ | | |21| W || Amerika @ koldness | * * * * * | |22| T || waxes :@: now @ | | |23| F || @ @ the + @ | The gratest cumfort i hav seen | |24| S || bull frog @ holds | in marrid life waz whare one ov | |25| G || [@] hiz tung * @ | the partys wanted everything | |26| M || snow rages @ Sam | their own way, and the other | |27| T || :@: Patch died @@@ | party waz willing they should | |28| W || poor * 1837 * @ | hav it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE ALLIGATOR._

The alligator iz an original kritter, a chip of the old block, and az ugly to kontemplate az a congo darkey. They are residents ov Florida, and gro 12 feet, and nine inches and then halt. Their teeth are all tushes, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a buzz saw iz. Their eys are sot up, and down, in their hed like a chinamans, and they hav an appetight equal to 18 distrikt skool masters. They are the krokerdiles ov Amerika, and lay eggs az eazy az a hen duz, but dont kackle when they cum oph from the nest. They are grate cowards but aint afrade ov yung pork, or little darkeys, and kan eat all the time, or go without eating, az long az a gold fish kan. The alligator waz made for sum usefull purpose, but like the muskeeter, the bedbugg, and the kokroach, their usefullness haz been karephully hid from us. Yu kan shoot a hundred alligators a day on the St. Johns river, but you kant bag one, and thare aint enny more game in them, than thare iz in a rotten log. They are long lived, and liv, if mi memory serves me right, 4 thousand years, and their grate strength lays in their tails. They hiss when they are angry like a tea kittle, and want az mutch room to turn round in az a fore and aft skooner.

_DEW DROPS_

I hav known whiskey to make a man generous, but when he got sober agin, he would git square with himself, bi being meaner than ever.

* * * * *

The man who iz rekless ov hiz life holds it at just about its market value.

31 Days. MARCH. 1877.

Q.--What are the 2 luxurys ov life? @ @ @

A.--Eazy boots, and a snug conshience. @ @ @

_Darwin sez, we hail from the munky,
And Darwin knows all about this thing,
But while i respekt mi poor relashuns,
From whitch, pray tell me, did the munky spring._