Chapter VI: Part 6

Charity iz a blessed privilege; it lifts poor human natur up to the level ov the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life, under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a virtewous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit-price here, nor hereafter, thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up,--i have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satisfying their charity, and saving their munny at the same time.

_JESS SO._

All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting hoss ride eazy.

* * * * *

One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate fiddler.

31 Days. MARCH. 1875.

Q.--How's yure mother-in-law? @

A.--Helthy, i thank yu, how's yures? @ @ @

_Now having his merchandize purchased,
He's out in the sno, and the sleet,
And yells like a "brave" on the war path,
Az swiftly he runs thru the street._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _TULIPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ @ Windy | A pedant iz one who overestimates | | 2| T || winds @ @ now | whatever he haz got, | | 3| W || @ @ dig out @ | whether it be learning, munny, | | 4| T || woodchucks @ | dri goods, or the rumatism. | | 5| F || @ @ expekt wind | | | 6| S || Sam Davis born @ | * * * * * | | 7| G || @ 1632 @ more | | | 8| M || wind @ Sam Davis | I dont reckolekt ov ever doing | | 9| T || @ @ was an @ @ | ennything that i waz just a little | |10| W || operator @ @ | ashamed ov, but what sum one | |11| T || @ @ look out for | waz sure to remember it, and | |12| F || wind @ @ @ Sam | every once in a while put me in | |13| S || @ Davis operated | mind ov it. | |14| G ||on hen roosts @ @ | | |15| M ||prepare for wind @ | * * * * * | |16| T || @ @ now pay @ | | |17| W || yure dets @ @ | The most bitter kriticks we hav | |18| T || @ windyness @ @ | are those who hav failed themself | |19| F || prevails @ @ @ | to write ennything worth | |20| S || @ @ @ Adam | reading. | |21| G || waz a weak @ @ | | |22| M || @ @ @ @ sister | * * * * * | |23| T || mutch signs @ @ | | |24| W || @ @ ov wind | He who haz got nothing to do | |25| T || now sarch @ @ | in this world but amuze himself, | |26| F || @ @ @ for hoss | haz got the hardest job on hand i | |27| S || radish @ @ @ | kno ov. | |28| G || @ @ more wind | | |29| M || tud-stools @ @ | | |30| T ||@ diskovered 1283 | | |31| W || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_FUN._

Fun is the cheapest fisick that haz bin diskovered yet, and the eazyest to take. Fun pills are sugar coated, and no change ov diet iz necessary while taking them. A little fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they managed to tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun, 10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply fools, and dont seem to kno it. The Billings family are allwuss on the lookout for fun, it iz sed ov Dexter Billings, one ov our pristines, that he had to be kept under 500 dollar bonds all the time, to keep him from laffing in church. Ackordin to all ackounts this Dexter Billings waz a cuss. Fun iz the pepper and salt ov every day life, and all he really wiz men who hav ever lived, hav used it freely for seazoning.

_HEAR YEE._

The man who kan set himself to work, at enny thing, on 5 minnitts notiss, haz got one of the best trades i kno ov.

* * * * *

Virtew that kant whip Vice, in a fair stand up fite, enny time, aint worth having.

30 Days. APRIL. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite style of buty? @ @ @

A.--Mi mother's. @ @ @

_"Er'es the Errald, Times, Sun, World, and Tribune,"
Iz the yung merchants ear piercing kry,
"Got the orfull smash up on the rale rode,"--
And a kuntryman stops him to buy._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _PRIMROSES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Gentle showers @ | About az low down az a man | | 2| F ||@ @ @ now @ | kan git, and not quite spile, iz to | | 3| S ||insert onion @ @ | liv on his wife's reputashun. | | 4| G || @ seed @ @ | | | 5| M || @ @ more rain | | | 6| T ||@ @ perpetual @ | * * * * * | | 7| W || moshun diskovered | | | 8| T || @ @ 1832 @ @ | | | 9| F ||@ @ more rain @ | A good karakter is allwuss | |10| S || perpetual @ @ | gained bi inches, but iz often lost | |11| G || @ @ moshon @ | in one chunk. | |12| M ||lost 1313 @ @ | | |13| T || @ inkreasing @ | | |14| W ||@ @ wetness @ | * * * * * | |15| T || now prospekt @ @ | | |16| F ||@ for dandylions | | |17| S || | To be strong a man should hav | |18| G || @ @ Abner | plenty ov friends, and plenty ov | |19| M || Durham @ @ | enemys--too menny friends weakens | |20| T ||@ @ @ born 956 | him, and too menny enemys | |21| W || expekt rain @ @ | makes him a vagabond. | |22| T ||@ Abner Durham | | |23| F ||waz a @ @ @ | | |24| S || pedlar @ wet | * * * * * | |25| G || rain @ @ Abner | | |26| M ||@ Durham [!!] | | |27| T || peddled goose yokes | The man who haz sworn not to | |28| W ||@ rain @ @ luv me, | forgiv haz uttered the wust oath | |29| T || luv @ mi @ dog | he kan take. | |30| F ||@ damp drizzles @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EAZY BOOTS._

One ov the eazyest things in this world iz a loose boot, it iz just az eazy az falling oph from a log, when yu are fast asleep. The man who fust invented tite boots committed suiside, so i hav been told, this waz kind in the phellow. But if he had committed suiside before he had been born, it would hav been kinder still. Eazy boots are one ov the luxurys ov life, what the other luxurys are i dont kno, and dont kare. Enney man who kan wear a tite boot, and enjoy it, iz either a martyr, or a phool, it makes but little difference which. Tite boots produce korns, bunyons, and swareing, and thare iz only one thing kan be said in their favour, they make a man forgit all hiz other sorrows. An eazy boot will humanize a sinner faster than two mishionary kan. Vanity iz the Godfather ov tite boots, and just so long az men mistake a number eleven foot, for a number nine boot, just so long we shall see them limping around, with boots on two sizes too small. Next to a klear conshience, for solid cumfort, and every day wear, cums an eazy boot.

_HITS._

After trieing for more than 35 years to hav mi own way in all things, i have finally cum to the konklushun, to split the difference.

* * * * *

Everyboddy seems to konsider himself a kind ov moral half bushel, to meazzure the worlds frailtys in.

Mules are like sum men, very corrupt at harte.--I hav
known them to be good mules for 6 months, just to git a good chance
to kik sumboddy= Josh Billings=

Yu kant do ennything fust rate with a flea on yu,--except
sware, and fleas aint afrade ov that.=

Yures respekfully. Josh Billings=

31 Days.

MAY.

1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite flower? @ @ @

A.--Buckwheat flour. @ @ @

_Another boy rushes to serve him,
But our hero wont stand it no how,
So he pockets the kuntryman's munny,
And fixes himself for a row._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _DAFFODILLS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Dandylions @ | | | 2| G || @ are @ here @ | The man who haz got nothing | | 3| M || warm @ @ | to reckomend him but robust | | 4| T || @ and fine @ | helth, and an excessiv flo ov animal| | 5| W || @ @ tud-stools | spirits, iz az unplezant an | | 6| T || hav arrived @ @ | assoshiate az a 4 year old kolt. | | 7| F || @ @ it rains @ | | | 8| S || frogs hav @ @ | | | 9| G || @ @ cum @ | * * * * * | |10| M || soft winds @ @ | | |11| T || @ @ the tax- @ | | |12| W || gatherer puts @ | Genius seems to be the fakulty | |13| T || @ @ in an @ | ov doing a thing excellently well, | |14| F || appearanse @ @ | that noboddy supposed could be | |15| S || @ @ showery | done at all. | |16| G || | | |17| M || now chuck @ @ | | |18| T || @ in gardin @ | * * * * * | |19| W || seeds @ @ @ | | |20| T || @ @ @ a butiful | | |21| F || day @ @ Abram | Helth is like munny, we never | |22| S || @ Barker elekted @ | hav a true idea ov its value untill | |23| G || constable @ @ | we lose it. | |24| M || @ @ @ kloudy | | |25| T || woman iz @ @ | | |26| W || @ a angell @ | * * * * * | |27| T || wind @ @ @ | | |28| F || @ southernly | | |29| S || now investigate @ | The most dangerous person in | |30| G || @ for hens eggs ¿? | this world, iz the one with the | |31| M || quite wet ! !- ! -! | most tallent, and the least virtew. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_WOMAN._

Woman iz the glass ware ov kreashun. She iz luvly, and brittle, but she haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az playing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam.

Adam iz captin, and i am reddy to admit, that he iz often a dreadphull poor one too. Woman iz the power behind the throne, she holds all the best playing kards in the pak, and her own good sense ought to teach her not to be in enny hurry to play them. I hav allwus sed, and i beleaf it still, that the time to be karfullest iz when you hav a hand phull ov trumps.

_PRIVATE SENTIMENTS._

If i had 75 children i would be sure and learn 60 ov them to allwus shut the door after them when they went out, and i wouldn't kare whether the other 15 ever learnt mutch or not.

* * * * *

Yung man, yu better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be both.

30 Days. JUNE. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite color? @ @ @

A.--Blood bay. @ @

_They "go in" like a pair ov yung tigers.
And neither seems anxious to stop,
Till they are suddenly brought to their senses,
By a vigilant, fierce looking "cop."_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _HYACINTHS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ Wet rains | | | 2| W || Abigail Fish @ @ | I hav made up mi mind that | | 3| T || @ @ @ married | human hapness konsists in having | | 4| F || @ 1756 @ @ | a good deal to do, and then keep | | 5| S || warm heat @ @ | a doing it. | | 6| G || @ now ho @ | | | 7| M || gardens @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || @ @ expekt | | | 9| W || thunder @ @ | | |10| T || @ @ hot @ | Vanity iz az common to the | |11| F || rains @ @ @ | human family, az fleas iz to a dog, | |12| S || | and makes them just about az | |13| G || @ @ now hunt | oneazy. | |14| M || for musketoes @ | | |15| T || @ @ perhaps @ | | |16| W || rain, @ @ @ | * * * * * | |17| T || @ perhaps not | | |18| F || @ now kast @ | | |19| S || yure bread @ @ | The man who kant enjoy ennything | |20| G || @ @ on the @ | but flattery, iz az bad oph | |21| M || waters @ @ | az the one who kant drink ennything | |22| T || @ sighns ov @ | but whiskey. | |23| W || litening @ @ @ | | |24| T || @ now fish @ @ | | |25| F || for frogs @ @ | | |26| S || @ @ it iz hotter | * * * * * | |27| G || @ @ @ @ Andrew | | |28| M || @ @ Jackson iz no | | |29| T || more @ it raineth | A true friend iz one who aint | |30| W || @ @ so beets & @ | afrade to tell yu ov yure faults. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_POLITENESS._

What a man kant win in this world bi politeness aint worth having. Politeness iz just as natrul az fun iz, and iz the cheapest way to git a living i kno ov. It haz made more friends than enny thing else ever haz, and haz kept them longer. It dont kost enny more to be polite than it duz to be happy, and enny man iz a phool who kant be either, if he iz a mind to. I hav known it to sukceed whare every thing else had failed, and i never knu it to fail, whare it undertook to sukceed. It iz az eazy to apply az the "poor mans plaster," and it will allwus stik whare it iz stuk. Next to honesty, politeness iz queen bee in the hive, and the man who iz thoroly honest and thoroly polite, haz nothing to fear, or hope for. Politeness, without honesty, iz a good deal risky, but sumtimes the wust we kan call it iz, "a pleazant fraud."

_2 FAKTS._

The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mother in law.

* * * * *

One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man, iz to beat him in politeness.

31 Days. JULY. 1875.

Q.--Who's yure favourite proze author? @ @ &

A.--Noah Webster. @ @ @

_He takes them away to the stashun,
Whare both are krestfallen and meek,
And after a lektur on fiteing,
The kids are discharged by the_ "beak."

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _TUBE ROSES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Expekt grate @ @ | | | 2| F || @ @ hotness | He who expekts to be praized | | 3| S || @ now snaix @ | every time he duz a virtewous | | 4| G || @ are @ slippery @ | thing will soon git tired ov the | | 5| M || thunder & @ | bizzness. | | 6| T || @ @ mixt with | | | 7| W || @ @ litening & @ | | | 8| T || Hank Ketchum @ | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ @ @ born 1802 | | |10| S || @ @ @ hotter @ @ | | |11| G || Hank Ketchum @ | When people loze their property | |12| M || waz single @ & | they generally loze everything | |13| T || | else, in the estimashun ov | |14| W || @ @ more hotly | the world, except their faults and | |15| T || Hank @ @ @ | vices. | |16| F || @ @ Ketchum | | |17| S || @ parted hiz @ | | |18| G || hare in the @ @ | * * * * * | |19| M || @ & middle | | |20| T || sum & @ | | |21| W || @ @ litening @ | It iz the eazyest thing in natur | |22| T || about theze @ | to be honest, but most men make | |23| F || @ @ daze :: | dredphull hard work ov it. | |24| S || @ mad dogs @ | | |25| G || @ heard ov (o) | | |26| M || [!¡!] & less hot | * * * * * | |27| T || now destroy Ψ @ | | |28| W || @ grass for hay @ | | |29| T || sighns ov thunder Ω | A good deal ov buty, and a | |30| F || @ Ψ Σ honesty iz | good deal ov sense, are seldum | |31| S || the best policy Ψ Ω | found together. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EGG NOGG._

Thare iz no fluid known to mortal man, that haz got more bakbone, and less tangle leg, in a quart ov it, than good, old 1776, Egg Nogg. Our grand dads drank it fluently, and thankt the Lord, az it meandered sloly down their thruts. It iz bilt out ov sider, and fresh egg, and iz az phull ov fun, and innosense, az a kittens tail. Enny man who haz moral skruples about drinking a glass ov fresh made egg nogg, had better git hiz morality insured aginst acksidents at once, for he iz in danger ov having hiz morality kompletely eradikated from the face ov the earth. Morality that kant stand egg nogg, iz a weak sister. I luv egg nogg, and hope i allwuss shall. I kant tell yu now when egg nogg waz fust diskovered, nor who the lucky kritter waz who fust found it out, but i would giv 15 dollars at least to know that it waz one ov mi ansesstors. I am orphull proud ov the anshunt Billing'es and enny glory that fluktuates around them, kind ov circumambiates around me. This may look like weakness in me, but it iz natur, and i dont beleav in allwuss snubbing natur. I say let yure natur kind ov go it, onst in a while.

_SUM OPINYUNS._

Mi experience in life thus far haz been, that 7, wont go into 5, and hav mutch ov ennything left over.

* * * * *

I hav herd lies so well told that a man would allmost be a phool not to beleave them.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite perfume? @ @ @

A.--Modesty. @ @ @

_At liberty now out they skamper,
But before their days work they renew,
Our hero remarks to hiz rival,
"Tommorow, I'll take kare ov yu."_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _CARNASHUNS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || Big heat @ now | | | 2| M || @ hunt Ω for cool | When the vice and virtew in a | | 3| T || places @ thunder @ | man iz about haff and haff, he | | 4| W || @ and litening Ω | wants az mutch cluss watching az | | 5| T || mixt @ salamanders | a bile duz when it iz cumming to | | 6| F || @:@ diskovered 849 | a hed. | | 7| S || heat waxes @ Ω | | | 8| G || @ in Adam's sin @ | | | 9| M || @ we all jined in @ | * * * * * | |10| T || expekt sudden @ @ | | |11| W || Σ Ψ rain about | We are allwuss sure to think | |12| T || | just az other pholks do, provided | |13| F || theze daze Ψ @ | they think just az we do. | |14| S || Phil Sherman @ @ | | |15| G || @ @ born 1756 | | |16| M || @ @ @ heat | | |17| T || grows Σ Ω Ψ | * * * * * | |18| W || @ Σ heaty Ψ @ | | |19| T || Phil Sherman @ @ | | |20| F || @ @ @ waz a | | |21| S || hard-shell Ψ Σ | Make yureself necessary yung | |22| G || @ babtist @ | man, and yure suckcess iz sertain. | |23| M || Σ whew ! Ψ | | |24| T || how @ @ @ | | |25| W || @ @ @ hot | | |26| T || it am @ @ @ | * * * * * | |27| F || @ @ now @ @ | | |28| S || dig @ @ @ | | |29| G || @ @ @ for ice | Everyboddy applauds a virtewous | |30| M || bileing @ @ @ | ackshun, even the Devil himself | |31| T || @ @ hot @ @ | admires it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_FAITH._

Faith iz the right bower ov hope. If it want for faith thare would be no living in this world, we couldn't even eat hash with enny safety. Human knolledge iz very short, and dont reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite, but faith lightens up the road, so that we kan see to read the letterings on the mile stuns az we travel. Faith has won more viktorys than all the other pashuns ov the harte put together, for faith iz one ov them kind ov warriors that dont kno when she is whipt. But faith iz no milk sop, but a live fighter, she dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes, but she is the heroine ov a forlorn hope. I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attributes i would take it all in Faith, and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various kinds ov dri bones that iz lieing around loose in the world. Faith haz allwus been one ov the best holts ov the Billings family, from the daze ov Noah, down to now.

_HOW IZ THIS?_

Experience ackts on sum pholks vitals just az it duz on a bull tarrier, he dont fairly git over one whipping before he begins to look around for another.

* * * * *

The vulgar allwuss notiss everything they see.

The monkey iz one ov our poor relashuns, and skratches
hiz hed az natral az a skool boy duz,--and probably for simular
reazons.=

Funny, aint it, Josh Billings

Thare may cum a time, when the Lion, and the Lam will lie
down together,--i shall be az glad to see it az enny boddy,--but i am
still betting on the Lion.=

Truly, Josh Billings.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite amuzement? @ @ @

A.--Sleeping. @ @ @

_He meets with a smooth faced old villain,
Who ov a bad stamp would git free,
But the boy twiddles hiz fingers, and sez,
"Yu kant kum that ere over me."_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _SWEET WILLIAMS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ @ Mild @ Ω | | | 2| T || and slik @ Ω @ § | Bashfullness iz often like the | | 3| F || Zip Coon @ [§] | plating on spoons, when it wears | | 4| S || @ @ died 1822 | off, it shows the brass. | | 5| G || @ tender @ @ | | | 6| M || winds @ @ @ | | | 7| T || @ Ψ Zip waz | * * * * * | | 8| W || a coloured @ @ | | | 9| T || §.*.@ brother Ψ | Lerning pays a better interest | |10| F || mello rain Ψ Ω | than munny duz, besides the | |11| S || @ @ put not yure | prinsipal never gits lost. | |12| G || trust in Ψ @ | | |13| M || | | |14| T || @ @ members ov | * * * * * | |15| W || @ @ the legislatur | | |16| T || more mello @ Ω | | |17| F || rain @ @ now | Abuv all things, lern yure child | |18| S || @ consume @ | to be honest and industrious; if | |19| G || @ @ @ oysters | theze two things dont enable him | |20| M || perhaps rain, Ψ @ | to make a figger in this world, he | |21| T || @ @ perhaps not | iz only a cypher, and never waz | |22| W || go slo @ @ @ | intended for a figger. | |23| T || @ expekt frost @ | | |24| F || @ @ now hunt | | |25| S || for fleas @ @ @ | * * * * * | |26| G || @ @ frost last @ @ | | |27| M || night @ @ @ | | |28| T || @ fleas are quicker | It iz so natral to phind fault, | |29| W || than a ghost @ @ | that i wonder we are ever suited | |30| T || Ψ mild, but butiful | with ennything. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EKONEMY._

Ekonemy iz the art ov allwuss gitting the worth ov yure munny, and gitting the right change bak, and it iz also the art ov making 10 cents, once in a while, go az fur az a shilling. It iz like an ear fur musik, it has got to be born the same time yu are, or not at all. Yu kant larn an extravagant person to be ekonomikal enny more than yu kan learn a muskeeter to quit eating, when he haz got enuff. Thiz iz funny, but it iz too true to laff at. Ekonemy iz the mother-in-law ov Prosperity, and she iz one ov them kind ov mother-in-laws that never made enny disturbanse in the family. Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out 9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime.

_HARK!_

Cunning men are like a hand saw,--they only hav teeth on one side ov them.

* * * * *

Next in point ov meanness, to doing a man an injury, iz to do him a favour, and every now, and then, remind him ov it.

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1875.

Q.--Who's yure favourite painters? @ @ @

A.--Sunrize and sunset. § @ @

_Having sold out hiz papers, our hero,
To some cheap hash hous skampers away,
And after he calls for hiz luncheon,
He reckons his gains for the day._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _DAISYS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @§@ October haz ::: | | | 2| S || @ 31 days @ | It waz a wize phello who put | | 3| G || and @ @ nights | on hiz spektickles when he et | | 4| M || @ stiff weather @ | strawberrys, it made a pint go az | | 5| T || now mutilate @ @ | fur az a quart. | | 6| W || @ @ apples for sider | | | 7| T || @ sharp @ frost @ | | | 8| F || about @ now @ @ | * * * * * | | 9| S || @ @ Fred Simmons | | |10| G || @ born @ 1694 @ | | |11| M || leaves fall @ @ Ω | To lie about a man never hurts | |12| T || @ @ Fred Simmons | him, but to tell the truth about | |13| W || | him sumtimes duz. | |14| T || played the @ @ @ | | |15| F || @ @ bass drum | | |16| S || expekt @ @ § | | |17| G || @ @ @ @ sno | * * * * * | |18| M || @ @ now @ | | |19| T || slaughter @ @ | | |20| W || @ @ cockroaches | | |21| T || kondem @ @ @ | When the weather fair iz everyboddy | |22| F || @ chilly @ | haz got an umbreller to | |23| S || man iz @ @ | lend. | |24| G || @ @ mortal @ | | |25| M || sighns @ @ @ | | |26| T || @ @ ov @ @ | * * * * * | |27| W || @ @ winter | | |28| T || the bull @ @ | | |29| F || @ frog iz hush @ | The man who seeks temtashun | |30| S || pear @ apples @ | must either be an angell or a | |31| G || @ @ @ nites @ | phool,--probably a phool. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HAM, AND EGG._

Thare are certain things in this world that seem just az tho they waz born for each other, and ham, and egg, are two ov them things. Altho they cum from quite different lokalitys, they must be twins, for they are so often seen together. If i kan hav all the ham, and egg i want, kodphish bawls may tak a bak seat for the present. Vittles and drink hav allwuss been a staple artikle with human natur, and when they play out, i am reddy to quit. Sum pholks are so etherial that they kan liv on the smell ov biled kabbage, but i must hav a chunk ov the kabbage. Pholks may talk about ambrozial nektar az mutch az they pleze, they kant phool me with enny ov thoze kind ov essences, for i hav lived just long enuff to find out, that the best ov society, hav got to hav their biled vittles, kind ov reglar, even if they tak them on the sli, or they will soon peg out. Natur is natur, and she will hav her ham, and egg. Natur iz a little raw once in a while, but she allwuss stands up for her rights, and tho yu may defraud her, yu kant kompromise with her. Ham, and egg, was a bevarage long before Noahs freshet.

_TAKE NOTISS._

Good breeding makes all kondishuns ov life equal.

* * * * *

Anger allwus hurts us more than it duz the other phellow which we git mad at.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1875.

Q.--What's yure idea ov happiness? @ @ @

A.--Tite gluvs, and eazy boots. @ @ @

_After greedily eatin his luncheon,
He lies bak and snoozes a bit,
And when nite cums you'll find him enjoying,
A seat in the Bowery pit._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _SNO DROPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || !!!! Winter howls | | | 2| T || let her @ @ | Gossip iz more ketching than | | 3| W || @ @ howl @ | the meazles iz. | | 4| T || @ who @ kares | | | 5| F || grate sno @ @ | | | 6| S || @ Mrs. Stebbins | * * * * * | | 7| G || died 11 @ @ | | | 8| M || @ @ bitter | The covetous man iz like a | | 9| T || kold @ @ @ | sponge, it takes in all the moistur | |10| W || @ Mrs. Stebbins | that cums near it, but lets | |11| T || took snuff @ @ | out none until it iz squeezed. | |12| F || | | |13| S || @ @ @ 62 years | | |14| G || more kold @ @ | * * * * * | |15| M || @ now mastikate | | |16| T || @ slapjax @ @ | | |17| W || it freezes @ when | Thare iz a grate menny ginger-pop | |18| T || @ the kat iz @ @ | people in this world, after | |19| F || away, the mice @ | they hav bin uncorked a fu minnitts,| |20| S || will play @ ground | they git to be dredphul | |21| G || froze up @ @ | flatt. | |22| M || now hire @ @ | | |23| T || @ & skool moms | | |24| W || @ sno a @ @ | * * * * * | |25| T || foot deep @ @ | | |26| F || @ @ @ babes in | The quickest way to take the | |27| S || the woods @ @ | starch out ov a man who iz allwuss | |28| G || @ @ lost 1614 | blameing himself, iz to agree | |29| M || winter iz @ @ @ | with him, this aint what he iz | |30| T || @ @ here @ @ | looking for. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE PISSMIRE._

The pissmire iz a blak bugg about 23 times az big az the ant, and az phull ov important bizzness az the chairman ov a wimmins rights convenshun. They hav thirteen konsekutive leggs on each side ov their boddys, and allwuss travel on the run. They are like sum men, ever hunting for sumthing to do, but never was known to find it. I hav seen them travel for two hours, bakwards, and forwards, and not git 3 feet from whare they started from, stopping every now and then to listen. The pissmire iz the loafer amung bugs, and like other loafers, livs from hand to mouth. Their home iz a hole in the ground, but call on them az often az yu pleze, yu will never find them in. They git up late, and go to bed late, and are allwuss hungry, and hollow. They are az lazy az mollassis in the month ov Febuary, and az useless az an extra dog in a family. Pissmires are a poor speculashun, i wouldn't giv 50 cents for the whole krop.

_REFLECKSHUNS._

If yu are going to giv a man enny thing giv it to him cheerfully, and quick, dont make him git down on hiz kneeze in front ov yu, and listen to the 10 commandments, and then yu giv him 5 cents.

* * * * *

The man who is allwuss confessing hiz sins, and never quitting them, iz the most onsartin sinner i kno ov.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1875.

Q.--Who's yure favourite heroine in romanse? @ @

A.--Old Mother Hubbard. @ @ @

_When the sensashun drama is ended,
Our hero remembers with pain,
That the plezzures ov life are but fleeting,
And he goes for hiz koal box again._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billing's Log._ | _TIGER LILYS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @@@ December @ | | | 2| T || hath 31 daze @ @ | Thare iz in sum men a grate | | 3| F || @ @ sum kold @ @ | deal ov humor, that iz like the | | 4| S || now arouze @ @ | frolik in a puppy, dont mean | | 5| G || @ @ @ fires | ennything in purtikular. | | 6| M || merkury 10 belo @ | | | 7| T || @ a spri sixpence | | | 8| W || @ iz better than @ | * * * * * | | 9| T || a @ lazy Ω dime | | |10| F || immense sno @ @ | | |11| S || @ @ now pay | Thare iz nothing we are more | |12| G || the printer @ @ | apt to parade before others, than | |13| M || | our kares and sorrows, and thare | |14| T || @ Sister Perkins @ | iz nothing the world kares so little| |15| W || born 1500 @ @ | about. | |16| T || more @ @ @ | | |17| F || @ koldness @ | | |18| S || Sister Perkins @ | | |19| G || @ waz a femail @ | * * * * * | |20| M || lekturer @ kold | | |21| T || @ increases @ | | |22| W || Sister Perkins @ | | |23| T || lektured ¶ her @ | Reason often makes mistakes, | |24| F || @ husband nites @ | but conshience never duz. | |25| S || dreary winter @ @ | | |26| G || @ @ @ iz here | | |27| M || farewell my @ @ | | |28| T || @ @ darlings @ | * * * * * | |29| W || look for @ @ | | |30| T || @ (!) me next | | |31| F || year @ @@ @ | A blush kant be kounterfited. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_WHAT THE PAPERS THINK._

Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" has come again, it is as welcome, and genial, as dew to the parched earth.--_London Speckletator._

* * * * *

It is joy for the fireside, it is rest for the weary.--_Newburyport Guardian._

* * * * *

Fresher, fairer, more fertile, and funny than ever, may its sweet face look in upon us for all time, delightfull Josh Billings' "Allminax," record of the past, bright promise of the future.--_Savannah Amarinth._

* * * * *

How crisp! how tart!--_London Queen._

* * * * *

Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" is a bright jewel in the current literature of the day.--_Louisville Dispatch._

* * * * *

Bless the dear little waif, we love it, and who shall chide us for loveing!--_Lady's Journal._

* * * * *

We have received Mr. Joshua Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" for 1876, and shall notice its contents at our very earliest convenience.--_Edinburgh Review._

* * * * *

It's a square deal, chuncky and smart.--_Texas Blade._

_LATEST NUZE._

Dik Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibuss, on a 50 cent driver, ov the 23' street line ov stages. Held for examinashun.

* * * * *

It iz sed (but not offishall) that Mr. & Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the white mountains next season. Their dauter Betsey Punchinello iz sed tew be engaged to the Baron Von Chalk, and the family will enter seklushun on this ackount.

* * * * *

A writer in Blackwood's magazine estimates that thare haint been, in all, over 200 fleas killed since the flood.

* * * * *

_On dit_, that Dick Manchester haz quit the 3 kard monte bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately, at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.

* * * * *

We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. & Mrs. David Jibboom, their respektibility iz now fully established, having appeared on the avenew with a two hoss carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band, and two rows of brass buttons.

* * * * *

The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.

* * * * *

Matilda O'Brigham, four days in her last place, with a karakter, will receive proposals at her residence in makrel row. No objekshuns to going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady provided suitable references are given. Lessons on the piano will be taken instead ov the usual presents expekted from the family.

_THE DONKEY._

I hav watched the donkey with a grate deal ov pashunt anxiety. They are about 3 foot hi, and sumthing like three foot six inches lengthwize. They hav a normal appetight, and will eat all the time, and more too. They aint partikular about their vittles, and will tri hard to swallo a hoss shu, but they kant do it. The donkey iz one ov naturs jokes, a sort ov pun on a horse, which i could never see the point to. They are az sett in their ways, az a gate post, and are the only live things that are too mutch for a klub. They will stand more pounding than a sheaf ov wet oats, without shelling out. The donkey haz 2 ears, and only 1 tale, and the ears are to the rest ov their boddy, like two steeples to a church. The donkey iz a sober, and misterious kuss. Fairwell yu sad, and thinking kritter, i may never again rite yure memoirs, but whether I dont, or do, I shall allways respekt yu, az a donkey, that's all. Az a cluss studdy, the donkey iz az full ov interest, az a mile stun, with the letterings all worn oph. Donkeys will liv forever, or thareabouts, and retain their buty, and intelligence to the last. Adew you graven image, you solid one, adew!

_PONDER._

To lie about a man never hurts him, but to tell the truth about him sumtimes duz.

* * * * *

I think it iz good taste, and also good judgement, when a man prays for the sins ov the people, that he should count himself in.

I hav known men so pious that when they went out a
fishing on Sunday, they allwuss prayed for good luk

a fakt, Josh Billings

The fly is a friendly kritter, tho i never see him the
wuss for liquor,--but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal
the wuss for flys.

Jess so Josh Billings

31 Days. JANUARY. 1876.

Q.--Who iz the meanest man? @ @ @

A.--He who peeks thru a key hole. @ @ @

_John Simpson waz a bachelor,
Ov forty, perhaps ov forty-three,
With the dispepshy onto him,
Wuss than enny man yu ever see._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _STROKE OARS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Mutch kold @ | | | 2| G || mares nest @ | Pashunce iz a good thing for a | | 3| M || diskovered 1810 § | man to hav, but when he haz got | | 4| T || @ now keep cool @ | so mutch ov it, that he kan fish | | 5| W || @ @ Ben Butler | all day, over the side of a boat, | | 6| T || iz a lawyer @ @ | without enny bait on hiz hook, | | 7| F || @ less koldly @ | lazyness iz what's the matter ov | | 8| S || sarch *** for Ω | him. | | 9| G || @ ice @ expekt | | |10| M || @ sum @ @ | | |11| T || inkrease Ω Σ ov | * * * * * | |12| W || | | |13| T || @ weather § * § | Pills will sumtimes refuze to | |14| F || Flora Temple @ | akt on the liver, but sawing wood | |15| S || ¶ × could + | never will. | |16| G || trot fast @ § @ | | |17| M || @ more koldfull ! | | |18| T || Job Perkins @ @ | * * * * * | |19| W || @ * kreated * @ | | |20| T || @ @ 1264 × (@) | When i waz 20 i knew twice az | |21| F || kold rather @ ¶ | mutch az i do now, and the way | |22| S || @ @ waxes | things are going on, if i should | |23| G || @ @ Job @ @ | liv to be 75, i dont expekt to kno | |24| M || Perkins @ @ Ψ | nothing. | |25| T || @ @ @ loved @ | | |26| W || onions @ ¶ | | |27| T || @!! now is the !!@ | * * * * * | |28| F || winter ov @ Σ | | |29| S || @ @ our diskontent | Thare iz no radikal kure for | |30| G || @ @ examine *|* | lazyness, but starvashun will cum | |31| M || @ + yure geese | the nearest to it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE VEGATABEL BITTERS MAN._

Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more, and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark, and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into the liver renovating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log, stun wall, and cow's back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy, with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or wont be home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov them unskrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found out, that mankind to be happy, must be cheated.

_PAUZE._

It iz the prudes in this world that need the most watching, coquets are too kareless to be dangerous.

* * * * *

Most men are like a hop vine, if they dont hav sum kind ov a pole to klimb, and then stik to it, they wont promulgate mutch hops.

29 Days. FEBRUARY. 1876.

Q.--Please define old bachelors. @ @ @ @

A.--Pickled Krabs. @ @ @

_Sum friend told John to travel,
Twelve miles on the jump each day,
Before he et enny brekfasst,
And not loiter upon the way._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _FIGGER HEDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Dern kold @ the | | | 2| W || kockroach haz no | Kats are very humble, espeshily | | 3| T || sting @ prepare | just after they hav committed | | 4| F || for more @@@ | sum nu kind ov deviltry. | | 5| S || @ @ weather | | | 6| G || Bonaparte fit @--@ | * * * * * | | 7| M || § for a living :@: | | | 8| T || sighns * ov * wind | The man who iz allwuss trieing | | 9| W || now sing sams | to kreate a sensashun, will git so | |10| T || Jake @@ Turner | pretty soon, that he kant kreate | |11| F || departed @ 1830 | even a disturbance. | |12| S || | | |13| G || Ω ω snowy @@@ | | |14| M || Jake Turner Ψ Σ | * * * * * | |15| T || !-?-! waz a @@ | | |16| W || c-o-n-s-t-a-b-l-e | If yu want to git a fust klass | |17| T || @it duz § snow@ | situashun in sum alms house, | |18| F || @ @ now | giv all yure property to yure | |19| S || slay hogs :(): | children before yu die. | |20| G || @ [] for pork | | |21| M || lessly --!!-- cold | | |22| T || Washington @ | * * * * * | |23| W || @ [::] could §@@§ | | |24| T || @ not lie @ wind | | |25| F || more fluktuous | Thare's lots ov men in this | |26| S || expekt visitors @ | world that are like a rooster, | |27| G || @ snow-squally | take the cockade, and spurs off | |28| M || now munch @@@ | from them, and yu couldn't hardly | |29| T || @ Ω @ slapjax | tell them from a hen. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE KROW._