Chapter IV: Part 4

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KODFISH BAWLS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ _Bitter kold_ Ԋ | | | 2| T || @ now @ | The intimacys ov old age seem | | 3| F || the dog | tew konsist in drinking yung hison | | 4| S || quaketh @ @ | tea together, and compareing | | 5| G || _sighns ov thaw_ @ | gouts and rumatizms. | | 6| M || @ now the | | | 7| T || kat | * * * * * | | 8| W || shivereth @ @ | | | 9| T || @ @ _expekt kold_ @ | One ov the most reliable prophets | |10| F || Ԋ now the snow | i kno ov, iz an old hen, for they | |11| S || snoweth @ @ @ | don't prophecy enny egg, untill | |12| G || @ _kolder but_ | after the egg haz happened. | |13| M || @ _raw_ @ | | |14| T || now | * * * * * | |15| W || the | | |16| T || crow | | |17| F || croweth @ @ | I kno ov folks who are so | |18| S || | kondem kontrary, that if they | |19| G || @ _wind north_ @ | should fall into a river, they would| |20| M || @ @ now the | want tew float up stream. | |21| T || tarrier | | |22| W || tareth @ | * * * * * | |23| T || @ _more snow_ @ | | |24| F || @ @ now the | Politeness iz not only the cheapest,| |25| S || flea fleaeth @ @ | but the most powerful argument | |26| G || Ԋ _kolder still_ @ | I kno ov. | |27| M || @ now the | | |28| T || spark sparketh @ | * * * * * | |29| W || _expekt a thaw_ @ @ | | |30| T || @ Jake Disbrow @ | Money well spent iz well | |31| F || @ died 1824. @ | invested. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_FEBUARY MISSCELLANY._

TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL.

One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for, and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously. Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called "_bull necked."_

_PERSONALS._

Dear One.--Enklosed please find 10 Dollars--if you kan.

RICHARD.

* * * * *

Kum home! kum home! mi dear husband, i freely forgiv yu for all i hav did.

BETSEY.

* * * * *

Waz the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the 8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz corned?--References exchanged.

PEDRO.

28 Days.

FEBUARY.

1873.

Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @

A.--Joner. @ @ @

_Joel Briggs a pedlar waz,
A pedlar ov renoun,
He delt in tin ware and sitch,
And druv from toun tew toun._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KREAM PUFFS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ @ Goose yokes | | | 2| G || fust discovered | If i had 4 fust rate dogs i would | | 3| M || 1651 | name the best ov them "Doubtfull," | | 4| T || _Kold and | and all the other 3 "Useless." | | 5| W || shivery_ @ @ | | | 6| T || @ @ Jane Brown | * * * * * | | 7| F ||born 1826 @ @ | | | 8| S || @ _Snow falls_ | Take all the phools and good | | 9| G || Miss Jane Brown | luk out ov this world, and it would | |10| M || waz a | bother the rest ov us tew git a | |11| T ||woman's righter @ | living. | |12| W ||@ _much koldness_ | * * * * * | |13| T || @ now pan out | Thare iz az mutch difference | |14| F || slapjax @ | between wit and humor az thare | |15| S ||@ _big sno storm_ | iz between the ile and the essence | |16| G || Pete Murdok | ov peppermint. | |17| M ||died 952 @ | | |18| T || _very raw_ @ @ | * * * * * | |19| W || | | |20| T || @ Pete Murdok | Whiskey friends are the most | |21| F || died ov a | unprofitable ones i kno ov, they | |22| S || broken harte @ | are alwus reddy tew drink with | |23| G || _sour rain_ @ | yu, but when yu git reddy tew | |24| M ||Pete Murdok broke | drink with them, they aint dry. | |25| T || hiz harte trieing | * * * * * | |26| W || tou lift a | | |27| T ||meeting house @ @ | Ridikule that aint true haz no | |28| F || @ _more kold_ @ | partikular power. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MARCH MISSCELLANY._

CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB.

Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and thare aint no individual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet. Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot. This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blister plaster in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer.

* * * * *

_WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN._

Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karakter, will hear ov a purchaser by addressing _Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O._

The goose must be broke tew eat grass.

One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered.

If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter.

What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted.

31 Days.

MARCH.

1873.

Q.--Who iz the greatest hero ov modern times? @

A.--Josh Ward, heroed a mile in 4 minitts. @ @

_Once hiz hoss had been a nag,
A trotting nag at that,
But now he waz a pelter,
And enny thing but phatt._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HO KAKE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || Tooth piks | | | 2| G || fust used | A phools money iz like hiz | | 3| M || 1190 @ @ @ | branes--very oneazy. | | 4| T || @ @ _sum wind_ | | | 5| W || @ James Gordon | * * * * * | | 6| T || Bennet born | Thare iz this difference between | | 7| F || 1802 @ | a _jest_, and a _joke_--a jest | | 8| S || @ _rain with snow_ | may be kruel, but a joke never iz. | | 9| G || @ Bennet | | |10| M || is a | * * * * * | |11| T || Herald @ @ @ | | |12| W || | Sins are the only things that i | |13| T || _kold but windy_ | repent ov, i never kould make | |14| F || @ @ now | enny thing repenting ov blunders. | |15| S || feel around for | | |16| G || maple sugar @ @ | * * * * * | |17| M || @ _wind aktive_ @ | | |18| T || @ @ now | Human knowledge iz not very | |19| W || lay in | komprehensiv after all,--i hav | |20| T || early rumatiz @ @ | seen men who kould kalkulate an | |21| F || @ @ _raw but kold_ | eklipse tew a square inch, who | |22| S || @ Job was very | couldn't cum within 30 foot ov | |23| G || billyus @ @ @ | harnessing a hoss. | |24| M || @ _big rain_ @ @ | | |25| T || Sampson waz a | * * * * * | |26| W || strong man @ @ @ | | |27| T || _wind shifts some_ | Flattery iz like ice kream, we | |28| F || @ @ Sampson's | want it a leetle at a time, and | |29| S || strength didn't lay | often. | |30| G || in hiz | | |31| M || karakter @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_APRIL MISSCELLANY._

VIRGO, THE ZODIAK VIRGIN.

One ov the best preserved females ov the age iz Virgo the Virgin. She dont look an hour older than she did in the spring ov 1818 when i fust saw her. Virgo haz lite blu eyes and yeller hair, and i should esteem her to weigh about 117 pounds. Virgo haz menny admirers, and report sez, she haz had menny good trades offered her (one waz a duke) but she deklines matrimony. I congratulate her spunk. If she haz got a good lone hand i like to see her play it, even if she gits ukered. I hope Virgo will remain whare she iz for life, for she iz the only sighn in the zodiak that i love tew witness. Thare iz one thing about Virgo that pleazes me wonderful, and that iz, when the grecian bend waz raging on earth, and crooking most all the other wimmin, she never bent a bit. Hallelujah! for Virgo.

_TO KONTRAKTORS._

The widdo Betsey Brown will receive proposals sealed at her residence No. 86 Hopvine St. for the next 90 daze.

Kontraktors must state their best offers.

Diagrams of the widdows looks kan be had at the above No.

The widdo reserves the privilege ov refusing all offers.

The highest Bidder gits the worm.

Agents needn't applikate.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1873.

Q.--Whi iz the kodfish like a sailor? @ @

A.--Bekauze he iz an old salt. @ @ @ @

_'Twas Joels way t' stop hiz kart,
At every hous and shop,
Fust tew tell a bit ov nuze.
And then propoze tew swop._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _SLAP JAX._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ Grecian bend | | | 2| W || revived 1864 @ | When a man measures out glory | | 3| T || _sighns ov spring_ @ | for himself he alwus heaps the | | 4| F || @ @ @ @ the | haff bushel. | | 5| S || cockroach cometh | | | 6| G || up like a flower @ | * * * * * | | 7| M || @ _liquid rains_ | A man may mistake hiz tallent, | | 8| T || frogs now | but he kant mistake hiz genius. | | 9| W || warble @ @ @ | | |10| T || @ _sweet winds_ @ | * * * * * | |11| F || now the goose | | |12| S || skreameth @ | It is only a step from cunning | |13| G || @ _wind sow east | tew dishonesty, but it iz a step | |14| M || bi sow_ @ | that a man iz liable at enny time | |15| T || | tew take. | |16| W || @ now bury | | |17| T || onion seed @ | * * * * * | |18| F || _smart showers | | |19| S || ov wet_ @ | Thare seems tew be a propriety | |20| G || Mars waz | in all things--late experiments in | |21| M || Juno's fellow @ @ | New York city hav proved the | |22| T || @ _very warm_ @ | fact, that religion in a rat pit | |23| W || @ all natur | iz a failure. | |24| T || stands on tip toze | | |25| F || _more showers with | * * * * * | |26| S || sighns ov rain_ @ | | |27| G || now lift lettiss @ | Style iz every thing for a sinner, | |28| M || @ @ the pilgrim | and a leetle ov it wont hurt a | |29| T || fathers @ | saint. | |30| W || whare am they? @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MAY MISSCELLANY._

SKORPIO, THE ZODIAK SKORPION.

Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt only tew bite. Skorpions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to change ends and go in that way.

_FOUND._

A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will find him (or her, according tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak ov our hous, still butiful in death.

_ALSO_,

Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over the ackcident.

Yung man, dont be afrade to blo yure own horn, but dont
blo it in front ov the proceshun, go to the rear and do it.=

Yure Uncle, Josh Billings.=

The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansestors, often
wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.=

It iz truly thus, Josh Billings.=

31 Days.

MAY.

1873.

Q.--What iz a blunderbuss? @ @ @

A.--Kissing the wrong woman. @ @

_Joel would swop for enny thing,
Tin ware for rags, or brass,
Jews harps for kats, brooms for beans,
Wood bowls for apple sass._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KOLD SLAU._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Lap dogs | | | 2| F || diskoverd 1310 @ @ | I don't kno az i want to bet | | 3| S || @ @ @ _mild and | enny money, and give odds, on | | 4| G || tender_ @ @ | the man who iz alwus anxious tew | | 5| M || @ Kaptin Kidd | pra out loud every chance he kan | | 6| T || was a | git. | | 7| W || pirate @ @ @ @ | | | 8| T || _plaintive showers_ | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ @ Kaptin Kidd | A reputashun for happiness | |10| S || sailed he did [(@ @)] | wants az mutch looking into az | |11| G || @ _soft wind_ @ | a reputashun for honesty. | |12| M || @ @ @ now mux | | |13| T || in the | * * * * * | |14| W || garden @ @ @ | | |15| T || | When a man duz a good turn | |16| F || @ Horace Greeley | just for the phun ov the thing, he | |17| S || born 1812 @ | haz got a grate deal more virtew | |18| G || _wet rains_ @ @ | in him than he iz aware ov. | |19| M || @ @ now prepare | | |20| T || for dandylions @ | * * * * * | |21| W || @ _wind south_ @ | | |22| T || Horace Greeley | Next tew the man who iz worth | |23| F || iz a Tribune @ @ | a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz | |24| S || @ _nobby showers_ | the man who don't kare a kuss | |25| G || @ now sarch | for it. | |26| M || hens for eggs @ @ | | |27| T || @ _warm and pretty_ | * * * * * | |28| W || @ @ @ frogs have | Self-made men are most alwus | |29| T || come _soft winds_ | apt tew be a leetle too proud ov | |30| F || @ Homer waz | the job. | |31| S || quite a poet @ @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JUNE MISSCELLANY._

KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE.

Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording tew populashun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day. They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zodiak Kaprikornus governs the kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed.

_LOST._

A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz return, when he stole away, with flowing ears, or waz strayed by sumboddy, answers tew Kristopher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale.

30 Days.

JUNE.

1873.

Q.--How menny skruples in one dram. @

A.--This depends upon who takes the dram. @

_His kart waz a karavan,
Piled hi with every kind
Ov dikker yu kould name,
Besides sumthin hitched behind._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KNUT KAKES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Now snatch | | | 2| M || @ cowcumbers | Silence iz one ov the lost arts. | | 3| T || _sighns ov hotness_ @ | | | 4| W || @ Mark Twain | * * * * * | | 5| T || born 1839 @ @ | | | 6| F || & _hotter_ @ | | | 7| S || Mark iz a mello | When yu strike ile stop boreing; | | 8| G || @ kuss @ | menny a man haz bored klean thru | | 9| M || @ _showers ov rain_ | and let the ile run out at the | |10| T || @ money iz tite @ | bottom. | |11| W || @ _more warmer_ | | |12| T || Venus waz a | * * * * * | |13| F || hansum woman @ | | |14| S || @ _mutch wet_ @ | | |15| G || @ now dig | Human happiness iz like Josephs | |16| M || for strawberrys | coat, a thing of menny colours. | |17| T || _gentle wetness_ @ | | |18| W || @ Job Potter died | | |19| T || 1856 | * * * * * | |20| F || _sighns ov thunder_ | | |21| S || @ Job Potter died | Sin in the soul iz like a slivver | |22| G || ov death @ @ | in the flesh; mortifikashun iz the | |23| M || _more hotly_ @ | natral way tew git rid ov it. | |24| T || @ now reap | | |25| W || assparagrass @ | | |26| T || @ _moist | * * * * * | |27| F || wetness_ @ | | |28| S || expekt | Love often changes coquetry to | |29| G || muskeetoze. @ @ | sense, and prudery to sillyness. | |30| M || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JULY MISSCELLANY._

PISCES, THE ZODIAK FISHES.

Pisces are the only two fishes we hav enny account ov who hav bin able tew swim on land and not tutch bottom. It iz now over 4000 years since they cum ashore and took lodgings in the zodiak. It haz alwus been a fish-bone ov kontenshun amung the natral philosophers whether they belong tew the kodfish, or the sucker family. I hav bin asked mi opinyun on this topick a 100 thousand times, but hav alwus maintained grate solemnity on the subjekt. It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker.

_EPITAFF._

Here she lize--the queen ov pize, Aunt Sally Ann Von Blixen, Apple, and mince, kustard, and quince, She couldn't be beat in mixen.

* * * * *

Sakred this spot--stir her up not-- Her grace all lay in pi fixen, Better sa i--go without pi, Than wake up this old vixen.

31 Days.

JULY.

1873.

Q.--What breed ov hens set the best? @ @

A.--Thoze without leggs. @ @ @

_For 50 miles round about,
When Joel cum along,
The wimmin all tur ned out,
For swopping mity strong._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KORN BREAD._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ Kod fish | When a man gits tew talking | | 2| W || balls invented | about himself he seldum fails | | 3| T || 1620 @ @ @ | tew be eloquent, and frequently | | 4| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | reaches the sublime. | | 5| S || heat_ @ @ @ | | | 6| G || Elizibeth Spooner | * * * * * | | 7| M || born | | | 8| T || 1365 @ @ @ | | | 9| W || @ @ _warm showers_ | The owl iz remarkable for two | |10| T || Elizibeth Spooner | things, gravity and stupidity. | |11| F || had the | | |12| S || meazles @ @ | * * * * * | |13| G || @ _warm but hot_ @ | | |14| M || Elizibeth Spooner | | |15| T || had the | Integrity in youth iz almost | |16| W || meazles | certain tew bekum wisdum and | |17| T || very thick @ | honor in old age. | |18| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | | |19| S || thunder_ @ @ | * * * * * | |20| G || @ @ @ now | | |21| M || wean goslins @ @ | | |22| T || @ @ _it rains_ @ | When a man iz thoroly lazy he | |23| W || Old dog Tray | iz good for nothing, only to shoot | |24| T || died 1492 @ @ | at. | |25| F || @ _expekt litening_ | | |26| S || now butcher | * * * * * | |27| G || watermellons @ @ | | |28| M || @ _intense hot_ @ | | |29| T || @ Daniel Webster | Most people prefer the stuffing | |30| W || studdid law @ @ | to the goose,--the word for the | |31| T || | idee. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_AUGUST MISSCELLANY._

AQUARIUS, THE ZODIAK WATERMAN.

Aquarius duz the sprinkling pot bizzness for the zodiak. He kan be seen enny klear day up in the zodiak laying the dust which the other zodiakers kik up. He iz a quiet old gent about 5 foot 6, and wears a wool hat, and a bull's eye watch. Who hiz ansestors waz no one kan tell. He iz an old bachelor now, but they tell me, up in the zodiak, that he alwus takes the most pains when he sprinkles in front ov Virgo. Thare iz a tradishun in Pordunk, that Aquarius was once a tempranse lekturer, but gitting too thin for the bizzness waz translated, and sot to sprinkling in the zodiak. Aquarius haz charge ov the leggs amung the sighns in the zodiak, and i notis that water iz better for the legs than sum other fluids i know.

_EDUKASHIONAL._

CLASS IN BOTANY STAND UP.

_Teacher._ What kind ov a bird iz a Heron?

_Skoller._ A herring iz a small fish, az full ov bones az a fine tooth comb.

_Teacher._ To what genus duz the Kat belong?

_Skoller._ The musikal genius, they _lay_ around daze, and chant around nites.

_Teacher._ Which iz the wizest fowl?

_Skoller._ The owl sir, bekause he hoots at most things.

_Teacher._ What kind ov fish are plentyest in market during dog days?

_Skoller._ Smelts sir.

_Teacher._ Class in botany may set down.

31 Days.

AUGUST.

1873.

Q.--How menny geese duz it take to make a flok? @ @

A.--One would satisfy me. @ @ @

_Sheep skins, goose yokes, and frying pans,
Basswood cheeze from Goshen,
Bob sleds, brass rings, and bears ile,
Waz sum ov Joels noshuns._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _MILK TOAST._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Now pluck | | | 2| S || peaches @ | Suckcess iz quite often like | | 3| G || @ _grate hotness_ @ | falling oph from a log, a man kant | | 4| M || Andy Johnson born | alwus tell how he kum to did it. | | 5| T || 1812 @ | | | 6| W || @ _hot grows_ @ | * * * * * | | 7| T || Andy waz a man | | | 8| F || ov much | | | 9| S || policy @ @ | Most enny boddy thinks they | |10| G || _thunder and blixen_ | kan be a good phool, and they | |11| M || @ now bull frogs | kan, but to play the phool | |12| T || rejoice @ _wind | successfully, aint so natral. | |13| W || south_ @ @ | | |14| T || @ @ _hot grows | | |15| F || bigger_ @ | * * * * * | |16| S || Julia Pragg born | | |17| G || @ 1830 @ | | |18| M || @ _wind shifty_ | I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt | |19| T || Julia waz a laundress | a man's sektarian views enny | |20| W || @ @ _hot | quicker than i would tell him | |21| T || wind_ | which road tew take at a 4 corners, | |22| F || @ now the duk | when i didn't kno miself | |23| S || quaketh @ @ | which waz the right one. | |24| G || @ _much hotly_ @ | | |25| M || @ behold the | | |26| T || @ grasshopper @ | * * * * * | |27| W || @ _sum lightning_ | | |28| T || @ love | | |29| F || lies | The truly great are alwus the | |30| S || bleeding @ @ | eazyest tew approach. | |31| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY._

SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN.

Sagittarius iz the William Tell ov the zodiak. He kan hit an apple on the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a muskeeter once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot. Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil gru out about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun fashion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for what I dont seem tew kno.

_FOR IMMEJIATE ADOPSHUN._

A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut, lite sunset hair, without spot or blemish, no parents ov enny ackount, hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had wackshination.

Enquire within.

I never question a suckcess enny more than I do the right
ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.=

no I dont, Josh Billings.=

The diffrence between a mistake, and a blunder.

When a man sets down a poor umbreller, and takes up a good one, he
makes a _mistake_, but when he sets down a good umbreller, and takes
up a poor one, he makes a _blunder_.=

Excuse haste. Josh Billings

30 Days.

SEPTEMBER.

1873.

Q.--When duz a fly git badly stuck? @ @

A.--When he fools with mollassis. @ @

_When puter knives went oph slo,
Joel waz a kunning kuss,
He could just turn to and swop
An old hoss dredful cluss._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _STEWED PRUNES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || * It iz fall | | | 2| T || @ @ _warm but_ | After a man haz got a fust rate | | 3| W || _tender_ | opinyun ov himself the next best | | 4| T || @ now the leaves | thing tew hav iz the good opinyun | | 5| F || fall | ov others. | | 6| S || @ _butiful weather_ | | | 7| G || | * * * * * | | 8| M || @ Sam Jones | | | 9| T || born 1900 @ @ | | |10| W || @ @ _mild but_ | Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she | |11| T || _lovely_ | puts our humps on our backs so | |12| F || @ Sam Jones | that we kant see them. | |13| S || was a | | |14| G || clam hunter @ @ | * * * * * | |15| M || @ @ _warm rains_ | | |16| T || @ now the | | |17| W || hog | Wise men hav but fu confidents, | |18| T || rooteth @ | and cunning men, none. | |19| F || @ _smoky weather_ @ | | |20| S || now the | * * * * * | |21| G || Jackass warbleth @ | | |22| M || @ @ _sighns ov_ | I think i am about right when i | |23| T || _frost_ | say, that all things which do not | |24| W || @ @ now | korrupt are innocent. | |25| T || the hen clucketh @ | | |26| F || @ @ _it wants tew_ | * * * * * | |27| S || _rain_ | | |28| G || Galen was | | |29| M || a | Be yee humble before God,--but | |30| T || doktor. @ @ @ | resolute before men. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_OCTOBER MISSCELLANY._

LIBRA, THE ZODIAK SKALES.

Sixteen ounces to the pound wrongs no man. I dont want enny better evidence that things are strikly on the square in the zodiak than the fakt, that they keep a pair ov skales up thare, and they are alwus level. Thare iz a grate deal ov native honesty in a pair of skales. When i begun life, i looked upon every boddy az honest az a pair ov skales, but the skales hav dropt oph from my eyes since, and i begin tew look upon things more az they am. I look upon every man now az strikly honest, who kan prove it. I want honesty weighed out to me just az i do mi sassage, 16 ounces tew the pound. Honesty that lacks an ounce in every pound aint worth a kuss. The ounce that iz lacking iz just what beats us. In the zodiak concern Libra holds the reins over the anitomikal hoss.

_THINGS THAT KAN BE DID._

One ov the smartest things a man kan do, iz to drink peper sass.

One ov the safest things a man kan do, iz to ride a saw hoss.

One ov the surest things a man kan do, iz tew slip up on the ice.

One ov the lazyest things a man kan do, iz tew eat soup with a fork.

One ov the longest things a man kan do, iz to long for perfekt happiness.

One ov the handyest things a man kan do, is to giv hiz note for 90 daze.

31 Days.

OCTOBER.

1873.

Q.--Whi iz a lie called a yarn? @ @ @

A.--Bekauze it iz dubble and twisted. @ @ @

_'Tis the fate ov kunning men,
Ofttimes tew pla the fule,
So with Joel when he swopt
Horses for a balky mule._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HAISTI PUDDIN._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || Θ @ Whiskey | | | 2| T || invented 1612 | Thare aint nothing that iz a | | 3| F || @ _frosty_ @ @ | sure kure for lazyness, but i hav | | 4| S || whiskey iz | known a seckond wife tew hurry | | 5| G || very proud | it sum. | | 6| M || spirited @ @ @ | | | 7| T || @ _sharp frost_ @ | | | 8| W || @ @ @ now | * * * * * | | 9| T || shuv checkers Θ @ | | |10| F || @ _snow flurrys_ | It iz the suprizes ov life after | |11| S || @ Col Peapod | all that give it its zest,--even a | |12| G || born 1500 @ @ @ | rat makes things interesting bi | |13| M || Col Peapod | the natral suddenness with which | |14| T || waz a | he cums out, or goes into hiz | |15| W || Korporal @ @ Θ | hole. | |16| T || | | |17| F || @ @ _wind sharp_ | | |18| S || Θ @ now | * * * * * | |19| G || lay in | | |20| M || yure winter | | |21| T || kats @ @ @ @ @ | Real good lies are gitting skarse. | |22| W || @ @ _rain_ @ Θ | | |23| T || @ Kats are a | | |24| F || kumfert @ @ _cool_ | * * * * * | |25| S || Θ @ frogs quiet | | |26| G || @ _wind north_ @ | | |27| M || @ cider haz | | |28| T || cum @ _it rains_ | The greatest problem ever given | |29| W || Diogonese lived in | tew man to solve, and the one | |30| T || a barrell Θ @ now | which he haz made the least progress| |31| F || chonk apples @ | in, iz "_know thyself_." | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY._

LEO, THE ZODIAK LION.

Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 15 thousand years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will probably end hiz days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in one respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so tuff. Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the whole human kritter.

_EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR._

_President._ Have yu a gold kronometer worth 300 dollars?

_Konduktor._ Not mutch!

_President._ Do yu keep a trotter?

_Konduktor._ Not enny!

_President._ Hav yu enny dimond rings?

_Konduktor._ Nary!

_President._ Do yu own a fiteing dog?

_Konduktor._ Nothing ov the sort!

_President._ How much bank stock have yu got?

_Konduktor._ Not a red!

_President._ We shant want yu,--the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got done furnishing konduktors with these things.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1873.

Q.--What did Adam and Eve weigh when they left Paradise?

A.--They weighed ankor and haint dropt it since. @ @ @

_He sold the mule for 3 dollars'
Worth ov honey in the comb,
Then got himself between the shafts,
And hauld the waggin home._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _LAM CHOPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ @ | | | 2| G || ketch kold @ @ @ | Whenever yu see a dokter who | | 3| M || @ _raw but sour_ | alwus travels on the run, yu kan | | 4| T || @ dough nuts | bet he iz out ov a job. | | 5| W || found 1590 @ @ @ | | | 6| T || @ _more sour_ @ | * * * * * | | 7| F || vinegar invented | | | 8| S || 1262 @ @ @ @ | | | 9| G || @ _sour inkreases_ | It iz a grate deal eazier tew be | |10| M || @ @ @ lemons | a philosopher after a man haz had | |11| T || had 856 @ @ _sour | hiz dinner, than it iz when he dont | |12| W || enuff_ @ @ @ @ | kno whare he iz a going tew git it. | |13| T || @ Lazarus | | |14| F || waz | * * * * * | |15| S || a | | |16| G || poor man @ @ @ | | |17| M || | Wit without wisdum iz like a | |18| T || @ @ _sighns ov | song without sense, it dont pleaze | |19| W || snow_ @ @ hash | long. | |20| T || fust mixt 1645 @ | * * * * * | |21| F || _kold wetness_ @ | | |22| S || @ @ @ @ now fri | I dont bet on prekoshus children, | |23| G || sassage @ @ _kolder_ | the huckelberry that ripens | |24| M || @ @ thanksgiving | the soonest iz alwus the fust tew | |25| T || threatens @ @ | dekay. | |26| W || _rain and sleet_@ @ | | |27| T || @ @ be wise | * * * * * | |28| F || and yu | | |29| S || will know | The bulk ov mankind are mere | |30| G || sumthing @ @ @ | imitators ov poor originals. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_DECEMBER MISSCELLANY._

GEMINI, THE ZODIAK TWINS.

I have asked several literary people if they would tell me whoze two children the Gemini waz, but they all shook their heds, and begun tew whissell. Maybe they thought i waz a kondem phool. I would just like tew know all about this. Thare iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and them iz twins. The zodiak twins are a kupple ov nice little phellows, if their piktur aint mistaken on the subjekt I never hav saw them only in their pikturs. Twins are two very interesting acksidents tew happen in sumboddy elses family, but one twin at a time suits me the most. In the zodiak sighns, the Gemini akt on the arms. I have alwus noticed that when a person haz twins the sighns are in the arms.

_CLASS IN METAPHISICKS STAND UP._

_Teacher._ Which iz the most stubborist animile?

_Skoller._ The klam, he wont budge a bit!

_Teacher._ Who iz the most open gaited animile?

_Skoller._ The swine, he kan open enny kind ov a gate!

_Teacher._ Which iz the most sure footedest animile?

_Skoller._ The mewel, he kan hit a man twice in a seckond 10 foot oph.

_Teacher._ Who iz the most foolishest animile?

_Skoller._ The goose, he dont kno enuff to go in when it rains.

_Teacher._ Class in metaphisicks may set down.

31 Days.

DECEMBER.

1873.

Q.--What iz the hardest thing a man kan do? @ @ @

A.--Tend sumboddy else's baby. @ @ @ @

_Hiz wife (God bless her) went out tew push,
And learn whi this waz sutch,
Joel dropt a tear, and sed,
"Hannah! I've swopt once tew mutch."_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _BROOK TROUT._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ The fust | | | 2| T || flea kaught | The principal importanse ov a | | 3| W || 1210 @ @ @ | mistery iz the mistery itself,--what| | 4| T || @ _bitter kold_ @ | makes a ghost so respecktable | | 5| F || @ @ the flea | a karakter iz, that noboddy | | 6| S || got away @ @ @ | ever saw one. | | 7| G || @ _it snows_ @ now | | | 8| M || assasinate hogs @ @ | | | 9| T || @ Rachel Blood-good | * * * * * | |10| W || born 1813 | | |11| T || @ @ _the kold iz | | |12| F || kold_ @ @ @ @ @ | Affektashun alwus looks well in | |13| S || @ @ Rachel | a monkey. | |14| G || waz a | | |15| M || spinster @ @ @ | | |16| T || @ @ _kolder_ @ @ | * * * * * | |17| W || | | |18| T || @ Rachel | | |19| F || spun yarns @ @ | Trieing to define love, iz like | |20| S || @ ice 2 foot thick | trieing tew tell how yu kum tew | |21| G || on the level @ @ | brake thru the ice,--all yu know | |22| M || _sumwhat kolder_ | about it iz, yu fell in and got | |23| T || @ @ @ @ now | _ducked_. | |24| W || attak buk wheat | | |25| T || kakes @ @ @ @ | | |26| F || ¶ _awful kold_ @ | * * * * * | |27| S || @ @ @ hot | | |28| G || lemonade | | |29| M || diskoverd 1306 @ | A wize man never enjoys himself | |30| T || @ _expekt snow_ @ @ @ | so mutch, nor a phool so | |31| W || @ Good-bye @ | little, az when alone. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SIGHNS AND WONDERS FOR THE YEAR 1874._

Whenever yu see a yung man hanging around a korner grosery, and drinking 3 cent gin every time he kan git enny boddy tew ask him, yu kan make up yure mind that he haz bin unanimously nominated for the stait prizon, and will probably git his elekshun.

* * * * *

Whenever yu see an old goose setting on a post hole, and trieing tew hatch the hole out, yu kan cum tew the konklushun that she is strikly a one idee goose.

* * * * *

Whenever a forlorn kat gits under yure windo, in a hot nite, and begins tew holler, yu may kno that kat wants sumthing,--killing, probberbly.

* * * * *

Whenever yu see a dog stop suddintly, in the road, with a flee onto him, and begin tew flea round, and round, after himself, untill he falls down, and rools over, yu will say tew yureself, that dorg iz like the wicked, he fleas, when no man perseweth.

_OIL OF KONSOLASHUN._

The "Josh Billings Allminax" iz one ov our tex books, at the Pordunk Feminine Institoot.

_Mrs. Charity Skidmore, A.M._

* * * * *

Medisin Book--Ugh!!

_Spotted tail, Chief ov the Pawnees._

* * * * *

Full ov thought, full ov pathos, full ov phun.

_John Brace, L.L.D._

* * * * *

It's a big thing, bi Jupiter.

_Billy Murdok._

* * * * *

How spontaneous! How pathetic! How preponderating! How!--How are yu Josh!

_Doktor Blake._

* * * * *

Oh yu pesky thing, Josh! yu are too killing.

_Sally Ann Sprauge._

_ADAM BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from hiz sowing. He waz born, az near as i kan figger, about the year 1200, more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger 2. Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew; he never drinkt enny spiritous rum, nor root elevators. He went barefutt untill hiz 32d year, and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He waz named after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew resembel him mutch in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square manner in which his luvely relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We nee'r shall see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melankolly than otherwise.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

Thare iz naut so hard for grief tew handle, Az the man whoze ribs are phatt 's a kandle.

Josh Billings, and the Yung Man.=

Yung Man, dont kry for spilt milk, but pik up yure pail, and milking stool, and go for the next Cow.= Yures affekshionately, Josh Billings.

Tite Boots

Thare iz only one thing that kan be sed in favour ov tite Boots--they make a man forgit all his other Sorrows.= Josh Billings.

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1874.

Q.--What iz ginger pop? @ @ @ @

A.--Gimnastic water. @ @ @

_In Pordunk town thare lived a man,
A man ov small posseshion,
Hezekiah Birch waz hiz name,
A teacher bi profeshun._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KINDLING WOOD._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ _Now kold | | | 2| F || weather_ @ @ | Snobs are alwus toadys. | | 3| S || @ haz froze @ | | | 4| G || @ @ the tender | | | 5| M || bull frog @ @ @ | * * * * * | | 6| T || @ @ up solid | | | 7| W || @ @ @ and the | | | 8| T || melodious goose | Diogoneze hunted in the da | | 9| F || iz hush @ | time for an honest man, with a | |10| S || @ in stillness | lantern; if he had lived in theze | |11| G || @ @ and the | times, he would hav needed the | |12| M || old she kat @ | hed lite ov a lokomotiff. | |13| T || @ dreams beneath | | |14| W || the @ @ | | |15| T || cook stove @ and | | |16| F || @ the luscious | * * * * * | |17| S || slapjax smokes @ | | |18| G || @ on the table @ | | |19| M || | | |20| T || @ @ @ and the | A pedant iz like a yung rooster, | |21| W || Widow Stebbins' | he crows in season, and out ov | |22| T || @ @ wood pile | season. | |23| F || grows less @ | | |24| S || every day | | |25| G || @ @ @ and the | * * * * * | |26| M || roze that @ @ | | |27| T || @ all are praizing | | |28| W || iz not the @ | Thare iz no kure for vanity, | |29| T || roze for @ @ @ | gitting thoroly wet cums the | |30| F || me @ or enny | nearest to it, for the time being. | |31| S || other man!!! @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_ZEPHENIAH BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and purswashun. He also had another natral gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he quit phiddling, and took up shumaking; but the world lost a good phidler bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh! 'tis ever thus. At hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted ov one old phiddle, and a pint ov bass wood shupegs. He would travel on foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl for 75 cents, and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex morning for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he couldn't tend an evening meeting, on sunday, without running into det to sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved; but he may hav bin lost, for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a cool hed, and a warm harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe skollar on the phiddle, and could pla "_Tare her down Sal_," and sich dear old sweet-savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone now, allass! allass! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov another, "Bully for yu, Zepheniah!" All flesh iz grass. So iv'e bin told. Funny. Mutch.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

To kure the fidgits and calm the bile, The phiddle iz like kastor ile.

28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1874.

Q.--What iz man? @ @ @

A.--Live dirt. @ @ @

_For twenty long and weary years,
He meekly workt for others good,
And well he taught the distrik skool,
Boardin round the naborhood._