Chapter III: Part 3

_ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN._

Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable quarterly in advance.

A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a missionary more than they do a klergyman.

Be sure and run the church; don't let the church run you.

Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's salary, after it once gits kold.

It iz so eazy to advise another fellow to set down in a
dentists chair, and hav a big dubble tooth jerkt out, that i hav often
wondered whi we didn't try it ourselfs.=

Less so. Josh Billings

I say to 2 thirds ov the ritch people in this world--make
the most ov yure money, for it makes the most ov yu.=

Happy thought.--Josh Billings

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1872.

Q.--Who had the best artikle ov pashunce? @ @

A.--Job. His pashunce waz biled down to a spot. @ @

_A stirring man iz nabor Bush,
Yu never ketched him idle;
Six daze he works, and sundaze he
Salts geese, and reads the bible._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _RAMRODS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Now pik geese @ | Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but | | 2| T || @ _awful_ | vanity alwus keeps _one I_ open. | | 3| W || _kold_ @ @ | | | 4| T || | | | 5| F || thou shalt not | * * * * * | | 6| S || commit | | | 7| G || swareing @ | Thare iz nothing in this world | | 8| M || @ @ _more sighns_ | that a man pays so hi a price for, | | 9| T || _ov kold_ | and gits so little ov hiz munny | |10| W || @ @ now bruize wood | back, as he duz for Repentance. | |11| T || @ _it iz kold_ @ | | |12| F || @ Jim | * * * * * | |13| S || Sheriden | | |14| G || born 1818 @ | I hav finally cum tew the | |15| M || _now expekt_ | konklushun, if a man kant be born | |16| T || _a thaw_ @ | but once, he had better issue | |17| W || @ Jim | proposals tew hav it dun sumwhare | |18| T || waz a | in Nu England. | |19| F || fiddler @ @ | | |20| S || @ _it duz thaw_ @ | | |21| G || @ thare are no | * * * * * | |22| M || fiddlers | | |23| T || in heaven @ | The only human being on the | |24| W || _thaw kontinues_ @ | face ov this earth that I really | |25| T || in kase ov | envy, iz a laffing Christian. | |26| F || doubt, lead | | |27| S || trumps @ | * * * * * | |28| G || @ _the thaw freezes_ | | |29| M || @ now | Men ov little authority are like | |30| T || mix | men ov little strength--alwus | |31| W || sassige @ @ @ | anxious tew lift sumthing. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY._

The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when he plays whist; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be kross-eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4 children, who will all pass through the meazles, with grate credit tew themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles.

* * * * *

The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will hav a phew failings; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be inklined tew gush a little. (_For the sake of variety we say, let her gush._)

* * * * *

_A GOOD FAMILY JOB._

(_To kure bed bugs._)

Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes and mingle with the gravy; then find a hoel in the ground that aint occupied; then pour the gravy into the hoel; then fasten up the hoel with 2 pounds ov gunpowder; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel; then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed.

29 Days.

FEBRUARY.

1872.

Q.--What iz the surest gait on the road? @ @

A.--A toll-gate. @ @

_Sim Blodget waz an awful brag,
Alwus telling sumthing or nuther,----
"Square Brown and he kept 60 cows!"
The square kept 59, and Sim the tuther._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _THISSELS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Kold, but sharp_ | Thare iz two kind ov men that | | 2| F || @ @ When this | i dont kare to meet when i am in | | 3| S || yu see, remember | a grate hurry: men that i owe, | | 4| G || me @ @ | and men that want to owe me. | | 5| M || _sighns ov kold_ @ | | | 6| T || now puntch | * * * * | | 8| T || _weather inkreases_ | Jokes are like butternuts. To | | 9| F || @ @ Dave Larkin | be good, they musn't be cracked | |10| S || born 1763 @ @ | flatways. | |11| G || | | |12| M || @ _wind north_ @ | * * * * * | |13| T || Dave Larkin | | |14| W || waz | | |15| T || a | It iz just az natral tew be born | |16| F || hoss jockey @ | poor az tew be born naked, and | |17| S || _snow, mixt with_ | it iz no more disgrace. | |18| G || _kold_ @ | | |19| M || Dave Larkin delt | * * * * * | |20| T || in | | |21| W || saw-hosses @ | Truth iz like the burr docks on | |22| T || _kold, but bitter_ @ | the end ov a cow's tail: the more | |23| F || @ Oh! cockroach, | she shakes them oph, the less she | |24| S || whare iz | gits rid ov them. | |25| G || thine | | |26| M || sting? @ | * * * * * | |27| T || _kold gits more so_ | | |28| W || @ now giv in | I think young coxcombs end | |29| T || marriage @ | their lives az old sloven. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR MARCH._

The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss but once, and then will git beat.

* * * * *

The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20 years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness, by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her buty till she iz about 45; after that, she will hav to take her chances.

* * * * *

[_Advertizement._]

Professor John Spruce (_graduate_) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art of chawing gum, in all the hier branches.

_Private lessons_ administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house. The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the gum-chawing science tew a spot.

_N. B.--Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale low._

31 Days.

MARCH.

1872.

Q.--Who iz the champion ov lite weights? [@]

A.--The Nu Jersey muskeeter. @ @ @

_Dame Barker had a yerling hen,
Who swore she'd set, or raze the dickens;
The dame sot her on an ear ov korn,
And razed a bushel an haff ov chickens._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _CODICILS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ _Breezy_ @ @ | | | 2| S || Klam soup | To work iz the grate law ov | | 3| G || diskovered 1500 @ | natur. If the woodchuck ever | | 4| M || _sighns ov wind_ @ | dont bild enny hole, he wont | | 5| T || Jim Pettybone | hav one. It iz true he may steal | | 6| W || created 1312 @ @ | one; but then sum other woodchuck | | 7| T || Jim waz | will hav tew dig two. | | 8| F || an intemperance | | | 9| S || man [(@)] | * * * * * | |10| G || _mutch wind_ @ | | |11| M || Jim Pettybone died | | |12| T || @ _wind grows_ @ | Thare are folks who dont do | |13| W || Jim died | enny hard work but watch their | |14| T || ov the | simptoms. I hav saw dogs akt | |15| F || triangular | just az sensibel. I hav saw a | |16| S || lemons @ | rat-tarrier watch the simptoms ov a | |17| G || _fresh, but windy_ | knot-hole in a board-fence all day, | |18| M || @ now dig angle- | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no | |19| T || worms @ @ | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no | |20| W || _wind rizes_ @ @ | rat didnt cum forth. | |21| T || Lafayette waz | | |22| F || A | * * * * * | |23| S || friend to | | |24| G || this | | |25| M || land @ @ @ | I alwus did admire the malice | |26| T || _wind_ | ov the mule. If a freak ov fortune | |27| W || _inklined tew_ | had made me az misfortunate | |28| T || be windy @ | amung men az the mule iz amung | |29| F || @ Tom Hyer waz | animilds, i would begin tew let | |30| S || a | drive at things a mile an a haff | |31| G || pugilissimus [§§] | off. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL._

The man born this month will hav a liquid temprament, but not necessarily inklined tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married; and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely konkluded tew be a merchant taylor.

* * * * *

The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth. Her heart will be az tender az a porterhouse steak. She will keep a lap dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny. She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity, with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it.

[_Advertizement._]

_JOB SARGENT'S KLENSING SOPE._

Job Sargent, being ov sound mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil, dont hesitate tew say that his klensing sope will take the spots oph from everything.

1st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze.

2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits.

3d. Kan the leopard change his spots?--i answer it kan, bi using Job Sargent's only klensing sope.

4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will never be without this sope.

5th. Job Sargent never told a lie--so did George Washington.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1872.

Q.--What iz the fastest trotting-time on reckord?

A.--I dont kno az I kare. @ @ @ @

_A sloven farmer waz old Snyder;
He spent his time a drinkin syder.
Together he worked a cow and muel,
And never sent his boys tew skewel._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _HOOKS_ AND _EYES_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Now sort yure | | | 2| T || rats @ @ | Yu kant konvert sinners bi | | 3| W || _sum rain_ @ | preaching the gospel tew them at | | 4| T || sow yure hoss- | haff-price. Enny sinner who iz | | 5| F || radish @ @ | anxious tew git hiz religion in | | 6| S || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | that way iz satisfied with a poor | | 7| G || @ hoss-radish iz a | artikle. | | 8| M || smart vegatable @ | | | 9| T || @ Bill Kurtis | * * * * * | |10| W || born 1749 @ @ @ | | |11| T || @ _sighns ov rain_ @ | Prudes are coquets gone tew | |12| F || | seed. | |13| S || Bill Kurtis had | | |14| G || a | * * * * * | |15| M || wodden leg @ @ | | |16| T || _mild, but pleazant_ | | |17| W || @ @ now bury beans | Thare iz no better evidence ov | |18| T || @ @ _warm wet_ | wisdum than tew beleave what we | |19| F || @ beans are a | kant understand. | |20| S || joyful krop @ | | |21| G || @ _wind soft_ @ | | |22| M || thou shalt not steal | * * * * * | |23| T || @ _more wet_ @ | | |24| W || plant pickels | Yu will alwus notis one thing: | |25| T || for arly cow- | the devil never offers tew go into | |26| F || kumbers @ @ | partnership with a bizzy man; | |27| S || @ _soft breezes_ @ | but yu will often see him offer | |28| G || now lend umbrellers | tew jine the lazy, and furnish all | |29| M || @ @ _hot_ @ | the capital. | |30| T || now jerk lettiss @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR MAY._

The gentleman who invests hiz life in this month will be very quick tempered, espeshily when a hornet lights on him in anger. His mother will set a good deal by him, espeshily when he iz in the kradle. He will hav the mumps very light, and will spend most ov his life intending tew marry, but will die at last with a half dozen old maids on hiz hands. The wash wimmin will remember him az the man who never wore paper collars.

* * * * *

The lady born this month will fust be a bud, and afterwards a blossom. Her heart will be az full ov twitter as a kanary bird on a perch. She will hav twilight hair. She will hav menny lovers. She will be reasonabel fond ov silk clothes, but her grate joy will be in a bonnet. She will hav az little jealousy az it is prudent for a woman tew hav.

_CHOICE OLD RECEIPTS._

To learn a kat how tew bite--feed her on kat nip tea.

* * * * *

To remove goose pimples (from a goose)--loose the goose.

* * * * *

To kure a weak back--lay still for a week ahead.

* * * * *

To make yure mark--fall out ov a third story windo.

* * * * *

To ketch a bad kold--lay down on the ground, and watch for it, bi moonlite.

Kats are plenty. I kounted 18 from mi boarding hous
window one night last summer--and it wasn't a fust rate nite for kats
neither.=

A sollum fakt. Josh Billings

One ov the most unfortunate men in this world--iz a third
rate fiddler,=

Yure warm friend

Josh Billings

31 Days.

MAY.

1872.

Q.--Who got the fust caneing? @ @

A.--Abel. @ @ @

_Now in the ground hide unyun seed,
Bury korn, and beetz, and lettiss;
Chuck in sum peas, and lima beans,
If the arth dont seem tew wettish._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PLUMB PUDDIN._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || | | | 2| T || @ Now kount yure | If i waz a-going tew civilize a | | 3| F || bees @ | parcel ov heathen (bi the job) | | 4| S || @ _wet showers_ @ | on sum distant, far off, and remote | | 5| G || expekt grass @ | ile, i should debate sum | | 6| M || @ Mary Spalding | time in mi mind which tew send, | | 7| T || born 1642 @ @ | an invoice ov dancing-masters or | | 8| W || _warm, but sunny_ | missionarys. | | 9| T || @ Mary Spalding | | |10| F || waz a widder @ | * * * * * | |11| S || @ _rain_ @ | | |12| G || now plant tudstools | Hope haz made a grate menny | |13| M || | blunders; but thare iz one thing | |14| T || @ _hot, but cool_ @ | about her that I alwus did like: | |15| W || all men were born | she means well. | |16| T || free and equal @ | | |17| F || @ _more warmy_ @ | * * * * * | |18| S || Joner waz | | |19| G || et bi | Most ennyboddy thinks he kan | |20| M || a whale @ @ @ | keep a good hotel (and he kan); | |21| T || @ _expekt rain_ @ | but this akounts for the grate | |22| W || @ dandylions draw | number of kussid mean ones all | |23| T || ni @ @ _hot_ | over the country. | |24| F || _mildness_ | | |25| S || now fall in love @ | * * * * * | |26| G || @ _warm inkreases_ | | |27| M || David Perkins | Whenever yu hear a man who | |28| T || waz | alwus wants tew bet hiz bottom | |29| W || a | dollar, you kan make up yure | |30| T || hansum | mind that that iz the size ov hiz | |31| F || man @ @ @ @ | pile. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR JUNE._

The male individual born during June will be one of 7 children, but not the only one. He will hav 3 brothers, and one sister, who will marry a hard shell baptist preacher. He will studdy law, and enter the profeshun with gilt edge prospekts, but his fust klient being a counterfiter, whom he succeeds in gitting clear, and receiving 50 dollars in counterfit money for his services, disgusts him with the bizzness.

* * * * *

The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife, for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age.

_ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY._

(_Advertizement._)

Phelix Phungus (_dog dokter_), late ov the royal vetenary college, and 12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free.

P. P. D. D. PHELIX PHUNGUS, DOG DOKTOR.

30 Days.

JUNE.

1872.

Q.--Who waz the weakest man? @

A.--Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars. @

_Mary Moore iz a farmer's lass,
She's winsum az a pozy;
The chap who ketches Mary Moore,
Wont be no kuntry josey._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _ROOTS_ AND _ARBS_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Sweetly warm_ | | | 2| G || @ now grab roses | 8 wont go into 6, and hav | | 3| M || @ _frequent wet_ @ | ennything left over. Menny a | | 4| T || John Smith born | yung phellow haz found out this | | 5| W || in the year 4 @ | bi trieing tew git a number 6 boot | | 6| T || @ _slitely hot_ @ | on. | | 7| F || John Smith waz a | | | 8| S || good investment @ | * * * * * | | 9| G || _warm, but growy_ | | |10| M || | Thare iz nothing a man will git | |11| T || @ John Smith | so sick ov az too mutch molasses. | |12| W || waz | (_Sweet girls, make a note ov | |13| T || better than | this._) | |14| F || kompound interest | | |15| S || @ _now imbibe_ | * * * * * | |16| G || _fragrance_ @ | | |17| M || @ bully for John | Prudery iz often like the chesnutt- | |18| T || Smith @ | burr: it duz seem as tho it | |19| W || _warm, but wet_ @ | never would open, but by and by | |20| T || @ Elihu Burritt | it yields tew the frost, and lets | |21| F || waz a blacksmith @ | the fruit drop out. | |22| S || @ _more rain_ @ | | |23| G || now expekt | | |24| M || snaiks § @ § | * * * * * | |25| T || _sighns ov wet_ | | |26| W || _moisture_ @ @ | I dont beleave in the final salva- | |27| T || @ Horace Greely | shun ov all men, bekauze thare | |28| F || iz | are so menny kases in which i | |29| S || an | kant see how it iz going tew be | |30| G || editor @ @ @ | made tew pay. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR JULY_.

The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (_Hiz posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good kard tew run for offiss on._)

* * * * *

The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yello sunshine. She will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will hav poetry for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate karamels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly, and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the song ov the crickets.

_ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN._

Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro; it sumtimes happens whare a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well.

Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience.

Larn tew wait!--this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz the surest way tew git thare.

If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground.

31 Days.

JULY.

1872.

Q.--Which are two ov the lost arts? @ @

A.--Modesty, and good home-made bread. @ @

_To brake a mule, or yoke a steer,
Bob Fletcher waz a reddy lad;
He and his mother worked the farm--
Krewel deth had took away his dad._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | | | 2| T || now lay in straw- | I look upon the north pole az | | 3| W || berrys and kream @ | one ov them pekuliar spots ov | | 4| T || @ _wind south_ @ | ground: if it aint never found, we | | 5| F || @ Frank Stebbins | shant be none ov the wuss off; | | 6| S || waz born this | and if it iz found, we shant be | | 7| G || month @ @ | none the better off. | | 8| M || @ _more heaty_ @ | | | 9| T || @ Frank Stebbins | | |10| W || waz a hoss-jockey | * * * * * | |11| T || @ _now expekt_ | | |12| F || _wet showers_ @ @ | I kant see what woman wants | |13| S || @ Frank Stebbins | enny more "_Rights_" for; she | |14| G || had a lemon- | beat the fust man born into the | |15| M || colored mare @ | world out ov a ded sure thing, | |16| T || | and she kan beat the last one | |17| W || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | with the same kards. | |18| T || @ this mare could | | |19| F || trot suddenly @ | | |20| S || @ _grate heatness_ | * * * * * | |21| G || @ Abel waz a | | |22| M || bachelor @ @ | | |23| T || @ _inkreasing_ | The only thing which makes a | |24| W || _warmth_ @ | mule so highly respektabel is the | |25| T || @ now hunt | grate accuracy ov hiz kickings. | |26| F || for | | |27| S || thunder | | |28| G || and | * * * * * | |29| M || lightning @ @ | | |30| T || @ hale columbus | Convince a phool ov hiz errors, | |31| W || happee land @ | and you make him yure enemy. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR AUGUST._

The gentleman born this month will hav one eye to the main chance, and the other eye on the collatterals. He will be sharper than good cider vinegar, and will go at a transackshun like a skotch tarrier at a rat hole. He will be az honest az a hornet, and make az few blunders. He will liv tew be old. Hiz wife will die young--tired out trying tew keep up with him.

* * * * *

The feminine creashuns ov this month will be grate admirers ov the sterner sex. They will fall in luv easy, but will make az phew blunders az enny other wimmin. They will be guided bi the impulses ov their naturs, which in most wimmen iz a safer card than their judgements. If I hadnt got one ov the best wifes that the world haz yet produced, I should be inclined to ask (humbly) for one ov the _August-as_.

_TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONSARN._

(_Advertizement._)

Adam Dipthong (chicken champion) invites a discerning world tew peruse hiz egg-dispensing poultry.

His "_Hail Columbys_," crossed on his "_Star Spangled Banners_," iz a hen who, for purity ov step, swavity of plumage, and modesty ov deportment, kant be beat.

His "_Last Roze ov Summer_," hiz "_Merry wives ov Windsor_," and hiz "_Love lies bleeding_," az a style ov poultry, haz no competitors in the whole horizon. His "_Kiss me Quicks_," chastised with a delikate sprinkling ov his "_Meet me bi moon lite alone_," as pullets, hav alwus stood the test; and az roosters, are alwus reddy "tew fite it out on this line" (or enny other) "if it takes all summer."

31 Days.

AUGUST.

1872.

Q.--Who waz the fust brewer? @ @

A.--Satan; he brewed mischief. @ @ @

_Come, farmers all, both grate and small.
The fields with yello grain are wavy;
Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls,
And make the bukweat cry Peccavy._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _EGG NOGG._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | | | 2| F || @ Pete Whetstone | A man whom yu kan hire tew | | 3| S || born 956 @ @ | work on a farm for nothing, and | | 4| G || @ _hotter_ @ | board himself, will just about earn | | 5| M || @ Pete waz a bare- | hiz wages. | | 6| T || bak rider @ @ | | | 7| W || @ _thunder and_ | | | 8| T || _litening_ @ @ | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ Pete rode the | | |10| S || fust bear @ @ | | |11| G || @ _hot grows wuss_ | A learned phool iz one who | |12| M || @ @ now stab | haz read everything, and simply | |13| T || suckers @ @ @ @ @ | remembers what he haz read. | |14| W || @ _hot with rain_ @ | | |15| T || | | |16| F || @ kane kilt able @ | * * * * * | |17| S || _now expekt mutch_ | | |18| G || _warmth_ @ @ kane | | |19| M || waz a stunner @ | The highest rate ov interest | |20| T || @ _heat prickly_ @ | that we pay iz for borrowed | |21| W || @ now eat kold | trouble. Things that are alwus | |22| T ||vittles @ _heat biles_ | a-going tew happen, never do | |23| F || @ O grave! whare | happen. | |24| S || iz thi viktory? * | | |25| G || _bigger hot_ @ Gen. | | |26| M || Jackson waz a | * * * * * | |27| T || dimokrat @ _hot_ @ | | |28| W || and now beg for | | |29| T || ise | I hav know people who had so | |30| F || kream @ @ | little karakter that they didnt | |31| S || @ _more heaty_ @ | even hav enny phailings. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER._

The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates.

* * * * *

The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than reproved.

_ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS._

Never swop hosses with a deakon--not if yu belong tew the same church he duz.

If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75 dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125 dollars.

If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him.

If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the trade untill next day.

Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore, if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges.

Mice kan liv enny whare fust rate except in a
church.--they fatt very slo in a church.--this shows that they kant
liv on religion, enny more than a minister kan.

Yures. Josh Billings

Whenever i see a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmin
rights" bizzness, i am a going to take off mi hat, and jine the
proceshun.--

See if i dont. Josh Billings

30 Days.

SEPTEMBER.

1872.

Q.--Whi iz the meazles like fresh mackrel? @ @

A.--They run in schools, and hav tew be kaught before they can be had. @ @

_Deakon John Jones waz a pius man,
But for one thing I kant lend praze;
'Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore,
When his old ram knokt him end waze._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _SLUNG-SHOT._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ _Mild, but gentle_ | | | 2| M || @ Abram Tucker | I dont know how it iz with my | | 3| T || born 1694 @ @ | brother-man, but with me the fall | | 4| W || @ _soft winds_ @ | ov the Roman empire iz a grate | | 5| T || @ Abram Tucker | deal eazier tew bear than a fall on | | 6| F || fust eat pork and | the ice when it iz wet. | | 7| S || molassis @ @ _now_ | | | 8| G || _look for rain_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | | 9| M || birds with feathers | | |10| T ||flock togethers @ @ @ @ | | |11| W || @ _it rains_ @ | Face all things; even adversity | |12| T || @ now lay in fride | iz polite to a man's face. | |13| F || oysters @ | | |14| S || * _very pleasant_ @ | * * * * * | |15| G || @ John Brown died | | |16| M || 1861 * @ cloudy @ | Poverty kant be wuss, and may | |17| T || | be better; riches kan be better, | |18| W || @ John Brown | and may be wuss. The difference | |19| T || died ov the thrut | iz in favour ov poverty. | |20| F || disseaze @ | | |21| S || @ _mild_ @ | * * * * * | |22| G || now expekt early | | |23| M || cider @ _showery_ @ | | |24| T || @ sighns ov an arly | Whenever i see a man anxious | |25| W || frost @ @ | tew git into the middle ov a fite | |26| T || @ _wind east_ @ | that dont belong tew him, i am | |27| F || now prepare | alwus anxious to hav him, for i | |28| S || for | kno he iz sure tew be the wust | |29| G || country | whipt man in the party. | |30| M || cuzzins @ @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR OCTOBER._

The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all right. His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will hav black hair the rest of hiz days.

* * * * *

The woman born this month will be short ov stattue, and acquainted with grief. She will want a grate menny things, in this world, that aint handy tew be got. She will marry just about the right time, and undertake tew liv with her mother in law, which iz a diffikult kontrakt tew fill. The wimmin born this month are like a rhode island greening, ripen slow, and are most delightful away long into the winter.

@ TO LET. @

_Enny person having an easy pill to take, that will restore a shatterd reputashun, without change ov diet tew the pashunt, kan hav this advertising space hily reazonable._

_Enquire of_

31 Days.

OCTOBER.

1872.

Q.--Whare did Adam strike when he fell? @ @

A.--On hiz kneeze, I hope. @ @ @

_Bukwheat kakes this month lay in,
Eat freely of pork and sassage;
Theze things kind Heaven givs to us,
Who in this world works our passage._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _FOOT PRINTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Kloudy, but cool_ | | | 2| W || @ Joel Briggs born | If i had a boy whoze hair | | 3| T || 1837 @ | would bedew that hair with a | | 4| F || @ _warmer_ @ | parent's tear, and then giv up | | 5| S || @ Joel Briggs waz | the boy. | | 6| G || a tin pedlar Փ @ | | | 7| M ||@ @ _sighns ov rain_ @ @| * * * * * | | 8| T || @ beware ov grass | | | 9| W || widders @ @ _snow_ | | |10| T || _on the mountains_ | Hurry and dispatch are often | |11| F || @ now count yure | confounded, but they are az unlike | |12| S || rats @ _sharp frost_ | az the habits ov the pissmire | |13| G || _last nite_ @ @ | and the ant. | |14| M || @ whiskee iz a non | | |15| T || konduktor @ | | |16| W || | * * * * * | |17| T || @ _snow falls_ @ | | |18| F || Փ biled sassage | | |19| S || iz good for the | Thare aint but phew men weak | |20| G || tooth ake @ @ @ | enuff tew admit their jealousys; | |21| M || @ _wind bracing_ @ | even a disgraced rooster in a barn- | |22| T || @ now enquire | yard will git a leetle further off | |23| W || for cider @ | and begin tew crow up a new | |24| T || @ _colder_ @ | reputashun. | |25| F || @ @ Enok waz | | |26| S || translated Փ @ | | |27| G || @ _frosty_ @ | * * * * * | |28| M || @ so | | |29| T || waz | Cunning, at best, only duz the | |30| W || Homer | dirty work ov wisdum; tharefore | |31| T || translated @ @ | I dispize it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR NOVEMBER._

The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye, and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach deth by a cirkuitous route.

* * * * *

She who cums tew see us this month will be az welkum az a dandylion in the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife--(Kind Heaven! send us az menny ov this sort az convenient.)

_ADVICE TEW YUNG DOKTORS._

Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the offiss.

When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump.

Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid misterious.

Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church duz.

Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening.

If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum tew the konklushun that the doktrine bizzness ain't so good as it waz last year.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1872.

Q.--Who waz the best-preserved woman that ever lived? @ @

A.--Lot's wife. @ @ @

_Jane Lovell waz a farmer's wife,
A wife waz she wuth having, too;
For when Jane Lovell rooled up her sleeves,
Things round that hous begin tew flew._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _TIT BITS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ _Sour, but kold_ Ԃ | | | 2| S || @ remember Lot's | A dandy in love iz in just about | | 3| G || wife @ @ _raw_, | az bad a fix az a stik ov mollassis | | 4| M || _but sour_ Ԃ | kandy that haz begun tew melt. | | 5| T || @ Lot's wife waz | | | 6| W || the psalt ov the | * * * * * | | 7| T || earth @ | | | 8| F || @ _more sour_ @ | The meanest kind ov a loafer | | 9| S || @ all good wives are | iz he who iz willing tew be abuzed | |10| G || @ _more raw_ @ | by every one for the privilege ov | |11| M || Ԃ Adam Sturgis | abusing others. | |12| T || born 1853 @ _windy_ | | |13| W || @ Adam Sturgis | * * * * * | |14| T || waz a twin @ @ | | |15| F || @ _rain, mixt with_ | | |16| S || _snow_ @ @ now @ | Curiosity had twins; one waz | |17| G || psalt sheeps @ | _Invenshun_, the other waz _Stick- | |18| M || @ _wind bights_ Ԃ | Yure-Noze-Into-Things_. | |19| T || multiplika- 0000000 | | |20| W || shun table 00 | * * * * * | |21| T || diskovered ------- | | |22| F || 1215 @ @ 0000000 | | |23| S ||_more kold_ @ 0000000 | Deth iz an arrow shot into a | |24| G ||the multi- --------- | krowd; the only rezon whi it hit | |25| M || plikashun 000000000 | another iz bekauze it missed us. | |26| T || table iz | | |27| W || hard tew beat @ @ | * * * * * | |28| T || @ sour rain Ԃ | | |29| F || @ Bill Adams waz | Arly genius iz like arly cabbage: | |30| S || a free mason @ | it dont apt tew hed well. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR DECEMBER._

The man born this month will hav a sanguine temprament. He thinks he iz in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been playing the same game he haz--falling in love with every man she meets. They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way.

* * * * *

The girl born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too smart to die right off on that account. She will admire menny men, but will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart enuff to know this, they will travel through life like 2 pigeons.

_SIMPLE REMIDIZ._

Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water.

* * * * *

Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multiply a pint ov fusil ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine.

* * * * *

Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a kord.

* * * * *

Tew make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly.

* * * * *

Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats.

31 Days.

DECEMBER.

1872.

Q.--How did robins git their name? @ @ @ @

A.--By robin cherry-trees. @ @ @ @ @ @ @

_The farmer leads an eazy life,
12 hours a day ends hiz labors,
Evenings pares apples for cider sass,
Or hauls over the coals hiz nabors._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _GIN_ AND _MILK_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ @ _Kold and | | | 2| M || snowsome_ @ | How fast will the "_comeing_ | | 3| T || @ Yankee doodle | _man_" probably travel? I kant | | 4| W || born 1659 @ | tell to a dot; but if he kant beat | | 5| T || @ _mutch kold_ @ | 2.25, he better stay whare he iz. | | 6| F || @ Yankee doodle | | | 7| S || still livs @ | * * * * * | | 8| G || _snow 60 foot deep_ | | | 9| M || @ Yankee doodle | A man with a phew branes iz | |10| T || iz | like a dog with one flea on him-- | |11| W || a lively cuss @ | dredful oneazy. | |12| T || @ _grate kold_ @ | | |13| F || @ now hammer | * * * * * | |14| S || @ grate kold @ | | |15| G || @ _kolder_ @ | Be humble, and yu are sure | |16| M || expekt sla rides @ | tew be thankful; be thankful, and | |17| T || | yu are sure tew be happy. | |18| W || @ _sharp, but kold_ | | |19| T || @ thou shalt | * * * * * | |20| F || not | | |21| S || covet thi nabor's | The more yung ones in a family, | |22| G || jackass @ | the eazier they are tew raize. | |23| M || @ _snow inkreases_ | One chicken alwus makes more | |24| T || @ now murder | klucking for a hen than a dozen | |25| W || hogs @ | duz. | |26| T || @ _wind shifty_ @ | | |27| F || @ now tear up | * * * * * | |28| S || wood @ | | |29| G || @ _big kold_ @ | Blessed iz he who kan pocket | |30| M || @ the grass hopper | abuse, and feel that it iz no | |31| T || haz fled @ @ @ | disgrace tew be bit bi a dog. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_AGRIKULTIBUSS._

1st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet; their grate skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats.

* * * * *

2d. Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want them tew turn up good.

* * * * *

3d. Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce more chickens than they will tew plant them.

* * * * *

4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav weak eyes.

* * * * *

5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs; it aint best tew cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows.

* * * * *

6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew be thrasht; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled fust, and thrasht afterwards.

* * * * *

7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, espeshily old rye; too mutch water will drown out old rye.

* * * * *

8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth; so will tuds; but woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile.

_SUM WEATHER._

SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS.

The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New Orleans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs.

Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and northwest ov Montreal, with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness.

_PROBABILITIZ._

Ambrozial weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16 months, with rain and snow; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov the United States of America.

The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assimilate themselfs tew the principal probabilitiz in the case.

If they don't, du notiss will be giv.

In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered.

_JANUARY MISSCELLANY._

ARIES, THE ZODIAK RAM.

Aries is a latin ram. He is kompozed ov wool all over, and horns in front. How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day, but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydraulik ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz kapacity for putting a hed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho he haz no literary pretenshuns, haz made menny brilliant hits in hiz day.

_TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH._

Take one quart ov red cow's milk.

Strain all the water out ov the milk.

Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum.

Ramify it well with white sugar.

Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it.

Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing.

(This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz desighned for one person, and always hits the mark.)

The Hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, and haz a
bizzness end to him.=

Respekfully, Josh Billings

The cockroach dont liv on what he eats, but what he kan
git into, and often finding him ded in mi soup, i hav cum to the
konklushun, that he kant swim, but that he kan float for a long time=
Josh Billings

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1873.

Q.--What would be a good motto for a taylor? @ @

A.--Let her rip. @ @ @

_Joel Briggs waz born down east,
Hiz hight waz 6 feet 2,
Hiz panterloons waz striped,
And hitched beneath hiz shu._