Chapter IX: Part 9

The centaur iz not an Amerikan, but blooms in the land far away to the eastward, whare the muskeeto iz unknown, and whare the pensiv kokroach putteth in no appearance. He is haff horse, and haff sum other phellow, and hunts for fun, and sumthing to eat. He haz got a hed on him like Demostheneze ov old, and wears hiz hair short in front, but flooded down on hiz nek, and over hiz shoulders, like a growth ov yung hop vines, in a hot house. Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a single feather off from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly The centaur allwuss hunts on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov shooting the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz thrown finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost jewell, hiz hair quivers like an aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. I hav et plain hash untill i am tired ov it, and would like no better phun than to mount a centaur, without enny bridle on him, and with a mermaid in front ov me, and a ghost behind, take a free, and rekless ride, a ride ov genius, to the ends ov the earth. But I suppoze I should git sik ov this, in a day, or two, and want to ride sumthing else.

_IMPS._

Poverty haz been called safe, but poverty even, haz got to lock up its mouldy bread, and cheeze, or loze it.

* * * * *

Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread.

30 Days. APRIL. 1878.

_When he reaches six years,
He iz called a full horse,
And iz thought fit to trot,
For a puss on the course._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _REVOLVERS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Soft weather |He who haz nothing to do in | | 2| T || the dandylion @ |this world but to amuze himself, | | 3| W || cometh @ warm |haz got the hardest job on hand I | | 4| T || rain :: now the @ |kno ov. | | 5| F || robin = skreameth | | | 6| S || @sum@ more @ | * * * * * | | 7| G || softness @ Bill | | | 8| M || Baxter @ sprained |Thare iz nothing that yu and I, | | 9| T || @ hiz = ankle :: |make so menny blunders about, | |10| W || 1836= it rains @ |and the world so few, az the | |11| T || @ Venuss waz @ |aktual amount ov our importance. | |12| F || @ the @ goddess @ | | |13| S || ov buty @ bright < | * * * * * | |14| G || day @ @ now chuck | | |15| M || @ in @ onion @ |The fust thing a man duz in | |16| T || seed @ @ mild @ |the morning, iz to feel for hiz | |17| W || @ and @ pretty @ |pocket-book, and the fust thing | |18| T || @ Ben Franklin :: |a woman duz, iz to see if the | |19| F || = iz ded :: mutch |looking glass iz all right. | |20| S || rain = @ now = | | |21| G || @ fish @ for @ | * * * * * | |22| M || suckers = wind | | |23| T || @ southy @ by @ |He who works for notoriety | |24| W || @ south < Bacchus |had rather be insulted, than not | |25| T || waz a winebibber @ |be notissed at all. | |26| F || @ soft @ rain @ | | |27| S || @ Sam @ Perkins> | | |28| G || :-died 1813 @ hot | | |29| M ||the violet iz here!! | | |30| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE AUCKSHIONEER._

The auckshioneer iz an unfortunate individual who duz other peoples lieing for 10 dollars a day, and boards himself. He haz got az mutch jaw az a wolf trap, and as mutch cheeck az a 10 year old mule. He takes up the profeshun quite often on the same principle that a horse doktor duz hiz, not bekause he iz fit for the bizzness, but just to hav one in the naborhood. His gratest pride iz to mingle what he calls humor with hiz talk when he iz on the block, but hiz jokes are gennerally az level az a kold slapjax. He iz at the hight ov hiz ambishun when he haz worried a laff out ov the bistanders, and uses the same rhetorick, and similees, when he sells out a line ov bank securitys, that he duz, when he closes out an old one-eyed pelter, under a chattell mortgage, in frunt ov the kourt house. A kuntry auckshioneer, and a kuntry horse jockey, are two wonderphull cusses, in the rural deestrikts. I hav been an auckshioneer and kno what i am talking about.

_THE OLD MAID._

The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs.

_BLISTERS._

Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this iz all he kan do.

* * * * *

Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty.

About the hardest thing a fellow kan do, iz to spark 2
girls at one time, and preserve a good average =

Try it. Josh Billings

I dont insist upon pedigree for a man, or horse--if a horse kan trot
fasst. and honest, the pedigree iz all right, if he kant, i wouldn't
giv a shilling a yard for hiz pedigree.= so, Josh Billings

31 Days. MAY. 1878.

_Five years ov fasst work,
He iz bunged up, and done,
Knee sprung, and spavined,
Hiz spirit iz gone._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _COBWEBS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ Butiful May ! | | | 2| T || air @ softly @ | The happiest people after all, | | 3| F || @ now churn @ | are thoze who are worked the | | 4| S || butter @ rainy @ | the hardest, and fed the best. | | 5| G || @ Mose Sherman @ | | | 6| M || @ born 1792 @ | | | 7| T || @ wind @ fitful @ | * * * * * | | 8| W || @ Mose Sherman * | | | 9| T || + waz a tinker @ | Thare iz sum men who hav so | |10| F || @ soft day @ | little bakbone that you kant help | |11| S || now bury beans @ | them, you mite as well undertake | |12| G || @ warm @ rain = | to stand an angleworm up on | |13| M || | end, and ask him to dance a jig. | |14| T || @ the @ way @ ov @ | | |15| W || * the transgressor @ | | |16| T || iz hard @ gentle @ | * * * * * | |17| F || weather @ @ now | | |18| S || the old @ hen @ | | |19| G || @ kakleth @ | If you give a beggar nine dollars, | |20| M || more @ weather * | at different times, and then | |21| T || Juno @ waz @ the @ | refuse him the tenth, he will sware | |22| W || @ wife ov Jupiter @ | you have cheated him out of it. | |23| T || @ bright and @ | | |24| F || butiful @ now | | |25| S || * insert @ corn @ | * * * * * | |26| G || @ Abram North @ | | |27| M || @ killed @ 1819 @ | | |28| T || pretty day * Abram | One haff the trubbles ov this | |29| W || was stung to @ | life kan be traced to saying | |30| T || dethness bi hornets | "Yes" too quick, and not saying | |31| F || allass!! allass!!! | "No" soon enuff. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_INDISKRIMINATE HINTS._

I receaved a circular yesterday inviting me to buy a ticket in a gift distrubiting skeme, i didn't invest, i hav often bought into theze magnificent chances, and all that i hav ever drawed yet, waz the wool over mi eyes. A cow that will leak 18 quarts of milk per diem iz a good one, but one that will flow 30, iz better. This may look like an assershun ov mine, but the more yu look into it, the more milk yu will diskover. Thare aint but fu cows that will giv 30 quarts ov milk a day unless yu irrigate it well. I kant say if it will pay yu to keep a cow, or not, yu kan buy a "_Readdy Reckoner_," at enny ov the book stores, for 75 cents, and they tell all about theze things. If i waz called upon to advise a Mother in law, i should tell her never to suggest enny thing in the family at all, if she sees the babys stockings agin the stove, burning up, let them burn, if she sees the kat stealing kream, off from the top ov the milk kans, let her steal, if thare iz enny thing lost, and the whole household are hunting for it, and she knows right whare it iz, keep mum, and let them hunt. I kant tell whitch iz the best breed ov lap dogs, all i kno about the diffrent breeds iz that the whole lot are a kussid shame, and noosance. Rats are very growthy, so growthy, that yu dont need but one good helthy rat to commence operations with, and in three years, yu will hav rats to spare.

_WAIFS._

Next to going barefoot, for solid cumfort, cums an old shoe.

* * * * *

I beleave in ghosts,--only a little,--just ennff to keep up an assortment.

30 Days. JUNE. 1878.

_Now to a street kar,
Staggering he goes,
Receiving for pay,
Only curses and blows._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _FRIZZLE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S ||@ warm hotness |About all us old fellows kan do | | 2| G ||@ June bugs @ |to enny advantage, iz to nuss our | | 3| M ||@ are here @ leafy |rumatizz quietly in sum corner, | | 4| T ||weather @ John |and guess, that it iz a going to | | 5| W ||Bigg deceased @ 913 |rain tommorow, or that it aint. | | 6| T ||@ warm and wet @ | | | 7| F ||@ John Bigg @ | * * * * * | | 8| S ||@ operated in @ | | | 9| G ||@ klams @ hotter |Military taktiks are a good thing | |10| M ||@ now @ the @ |to fite injuns with, when the | |11| T ||kokroach @runneth |injuns are 65 miles off, but when | |12| W ||bright and liquid @ |the fite cums, yu want to kill the | |13| T ||@ now prepare for @ |injuns fust, and then alter the | |14| F ||rain @ thou shalt @ |case to fit the taktiks. | |15| S ||not steal @ sum @ | | |16| G ||wind @ now egg | * * * * * | |17| M ||@ hens @ for @ | | |18| T || | | |19| W ||chickens @ wind sow |A woman never iz more happy | |20| T ||bi @ sow-east @ |than when she haz four men | |21| F ||@ Vulcan @ was @ |waiting on her all to once, but | |22| S ||@ a blak @ smith |more than one woman fussing | |23| G ||@ warmer @ all @ |over a man at the same time, | |24| M ||natur @ jumps @ |makes him feel dredphull unsartin. | |25| T ||@ hot @ Sam @ | | |26| W ||@ Burbanks born @ | * * * * * | |27| T ||1812 @ hotsum | | |28| F ||rain @ Sam playd |Thare iz nothing will demoralize | |29| S ||the juice @ harp |a man fasster, than to git into | |30| G ||mutch growthy |the habit ov doing hous work. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_TWO LETTERS._

_Dear Laubenhimer._--I dont know who writ "_Babes in the Woods_," but who ever did, hit natur. I hav forgot now the diagnosis ov the book, all i kan remember iz, i red it when i waz a boy, and i bought one 25 years after that for mi son, and only last week, bought another for mi grandson, and when he grows up to be a man, and iz wed, and haz results, he will buy it for hiz children. Robinson Kruso, Jak the Giant Killer, and babes in the woods, will wear az long az allminaxes will. I dont kno az thare iz a partikle ov bible truth in them, but they are so wonderphull, that if they didn't never cum to pass, it seems az tho they ought to.

* * * * *

_Dear Onderdonk._--Thare iz only one way to brake a kiking heifer, and that iz, to stop her growth bi deth. When a heifer gits to kiking, the smartest mishionary in the world kant console her, she will kik over her own mother, just az liberally az she will a perfekt stranger.

They will allways manage to stand middling still untill yu git the pail just about full, and then for fear they wont hit it, they will kik with both feet to oust, and squeal into the bargain. After they hav kikt the milk over, they are perfektly resighned, and will stand and chew their kud, and let yu milk them for two hours if yu want to.

_BUOYS._

The fust man that waz murdered in this world waz the only pure one living at that time.

* * * * *

I like to see all things true to natur, even a hornet that kant sting, is a melankolly failure.

31 Days. JULY. 1878.

_Next to a kart,
He plods, and he moans,
A skeleton phantom,
A mere rak ov bones._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _WATCHWORDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M ||@ Grate @ |A good landlord haz no publik | | 2| T ||a warmness @ |opinyun ov his own, when called | | 3| W ||@ now the @ |upon to decide between two ov | | 4| T ||@ hopper grass @ |hiz boarders, he takes them one | | 5| F ||@ laffeth @ sum @ |side seperately, and tells each ov | | 6| S ||more hot @ Pan |them, what a kussid phool the | | 7| G ||@ waz @ a shephard @ |other fellow is making ov himself. | | 8| M ||@ more heat @ | | | 9| T ||@ Fred Munson @ | * * * * * | |10| W ||@ broke his@ @ | | |11| T ||@ arm @ 1386 @ |The man who iz anxious to liv | |12| F ||@ thunder and @ |hiz life over again, iz proberbly | |13| S ||@ litening @ now |more ov a spekulator at heart, | |14| G ||the ram butteth @ |than a philosopher or a christian. | |15| M ||@ growing hot @ | | |16| T ||now probe @ for @ | * * * * * | |17| W ||ice kream @ more | | |18| T ||@ thunder @ |Total depravity iz a hard thing | |19| F ||@ multiplikashun @ |for me to believe, but i must say, | |20| S ||table diskovered @ |that i often meet cases that | |21| G ||826 @ now twitch |wouldn't pay more than 5 per | |22| M ||lettiss @ more @ |cent for rektifying. | |23| T ||heaty @ Jane | | |24| W ||@ Ferguson @ @ | * * * * * | |25| T ||vamosed @ 1840 | | |26| F ||@ hot @ abates @ |A "Cuss" iz a kritter who iz | |27| S ||Jane vamosed @ |just a little more respektabel than | |28| G ||with @ one Sam @ |a loafer, and just a little less | |29| M ||Peters @ it rains @@ |dangerous than a renegade. | |30| T ||@ sich iz life @ | | |31| W || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE RHINOSSEROSS AND THE VIOLET._

The rhinosseross iz strikly a forrin invenshun, and i am glad ov it. They are a one horned experiment, and that horn grows on the tip ov their nose. If they are haff az unhappy az they look, they are the most mizerable kritters ever invented. Their great value is in their skarsity, if they waz az plenty az organ grinders, they wouldn't be enny more of a luxury. If i waz offered mi choice between a rhinosseross, and an anakondy, i should figger on them cluss, for a fortnight, and then refuse to take either.

_THE VIOLET._

Little blu eyed innocent, i saw yu one year ago, this very day, in this same cold, and sunless spot, (perhaps it mite hav been yure sister) far away from human eyes, or human footsteps. It waz winter then, so it iz now, but they call it spring. Yu are too gentle for this cheerless place, do the fairys visit yu, and whisper words ov luv and hope. Yu need'nt hang yure hed and tremble, i wont hurt yu, gladly would i swop places with yu, neglected az yu are, yu kant be lost, i may be. Stay right whare yu are little innosent, the fust luv sik maiden i kum akrost, i will send to keep yu company, she will hav a lot ov silly, and soft things, to tell yu.

_UNDERGROWTH._

A "_Stool Pigeon_" iz one, who iz willing to be az wicked az he knows how, but who haz to be taught all the iniquity, ov enny consequence, that he possesses.

* * * * *

Men who hav the most real power, sho it the least, while thare aint a more terrible engine ov the law, than a fresh elekted constable.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1878.

_When he kant pull a pound,
And won't even try,
He iz dropt bi his owner,
And turned out to die._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SKRAPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Hot but dusty |Repentanse iz the most satisfaktory | | 2| F || ¶ Behold the @ |duty that a man can perform, | | 3| S || * festiff @ |but it wont kure the headake | | 4| G || @ muskeeter @ |next day, nor pay for the hot rum, | | 5| M || @ draws nigh @ |and cigars, it took to make it. | | 6| T || ¶ sum more ¶ | | | 7| W ||@ dust with heat § | | | 8| T ||now inquire @ for | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ juleps @ | | |10| S || @ big shower @ | | |11| G || § now the hen § |Thare may be some perfektly | |12| M || @ pants @ cool @ |happy people in this world, but if | |13| T || @ @ nights @ @ |they undertake to prove it, they | |14| W || @ Sam. Carter @ |will lay themselfs open to suspishun.| |15| T ||@ obituated 1865 @ | | |16| F ||sum more @ hotly @ | | |17| S ||§ Sam Carter waz @ | * * * * * | |18| G || a @ ded @ beet @ | | |19| M || @ sighns @ | | |20| T || @ ov thunder @ |I never knu a man who lived | |21| W || @ /now lift/ @ |upon hope, but what spent hiz old | |22| T || @ coucumbers @ |age at sumboddy else's expense. | |23| F || @ rain and @ | | |24| S || @ lightning @ | | |25| G || "thou shall not | * * * * * | |26| M || lie" @ much @ @ | | |27| T || @ warmth * now | | |28| W || keep @ cool @ it |To bekum famous requires | |29| T || @ thunders @ |mutch time, and merit,--fust to | |30| F || @ hark!!! @ @ |be entitled to it, an seckondly, | |31| S || |not to git cheated out ov it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BACHELOR._

The old bachelor iz born in the maskuline way, but often changes hiz base, to the nuter gender. He thinks he haz got a good lone hand, but in playing it, allmost allways gits ukered. Sumtimes, late in life, he makes up hiz mind to git marrid, and then, allmost invariably, thare are two partys, who are disapointed.

_THE QUACK._

The quack knows he iz a ded beat, but he allso knows that mankind luv to be cheated. He allwuss haz sum speshiallity, and the more difikult iz the disseaze, the more brazen iz he, in hiz offers to kure it. He preys upon the unfortunate, and it would be az unprofitable to prove malpraktiss aginst him, az it would bigamy, aginst a wharf rat.

_THE DEAKON._

The deakon iz the fust lutenant in a meeting house. He iz a good christian man, but hiz kreed iz too often az mutch bother to him, az a yoke iz to a goose. He iz az full ov bizzness, and proviso's az a wimmins rites convenshen. He often haz more pitty than branes, and generally, more fuss, than either. A good deakon, in a naborhood, iz a substanshall blessing, and bad deakons, thank Heaven, hav allwuss been skarse.

_SOLLUM THINGS._

The world iz bankrupt in morals, and if kind heaven wont settle with us, for 10 cents on the dollar, the devil will git the whole thing bi foreclosure.

* * * * *

Yu may make a servant ov a friend, but yu kant make a friend ov a servant, it aint natral.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1878.

_The street boys git at him,
And ride him around,
'Till he staggers, and stumbles,
And falls to the ground._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _ECHOS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Breezy @ 'list | | | 2| M || @ to @ the @ |Whenever yu cum akrost a | | 3| T || @ mocking bird @ |man, who praizes yu immoderaterly, | | 4| W || @ a fine day @ |and kusses every boddy | | 5| T || @ now chew @ |else in proportion, yu kan make | | 6| F || @ @ cherrys @ @ |up yure mind, that yure turn for | | 7| S || @ cool @ Dave @ |kussing will cum soon. | | 8| G || @ Markham died @ | | | 9| M || @ 1790 @ milder @ | * * * * * | |10| T || @ Dave died @ | | |11| W || @ ov skarsity @ |Experiense haz no effect on sum | |12| T || @ @ ov breth @ @ |people, they are like an old frog | |13| F || @ @ more @ @ |in a mud puddle, yu kan ketch | |14| S || @ mildness @ |him without even enny bait on | |15| G || @ huckleberrys are @ |yure hook, and thro him bak agin, | |16| M || @ here @ cool |az often az yu hav a mind to. | |17| T || | | |18| W || @ sighns @ | | |19| T || @ Dan Tucker @ | * * * * * | |20| F || @ born 1832 @ | | |21| S || @ expekt coolness @ |An idler iz twice a thief, he not | |22| G || @ Dan Tucker @ |only steals hiz own time, but he | |23| M || @ waz dark @ |hangs around, trieing to steal | |24| T || @ konplekted @ |yures too. | |25| W || rain @ now @ twitch | | |26| T || flax @ hot day @ in | * * * * * | |27| F || @ time ov peace | | |28| S || look out @ @ for war |We all ov us hav certian | |29| G || wind easty @ bi nor |sorrows that are too intrinksik to | |30| M || east @ go slow @ |be divided with enny boddy. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE GRASSHOPPER IZ A BURDEN_

The grasshopp iz a flippant bug. He iz likewise a kuss. He iz green for color, and haz several leggs, or more, i disremember whitch. They kan fli, hop, walk, sit still, or run, and are born ov eggs, a dozen from each egg, proberbly. They are an inch and a quarter in length, and are sumtimes a frackshun over. They are laid, hatchid out, git their manhood, and die off in 75 days, this iz aktual bizzness, and shows enterprize, in a lofty degree. What they are good for, haz been concealed from us, for wize reazons, but the evil they kan commit, iz sumtimes equal to a famine. I hav seen every green thing, on the flatt ov the earth, for 50 miles in diameter, et up bi them, and millyuns ov them besides starving to deth. I have seen the air filled with them like a shower ov sand, and nothing but stone fences, and McAdam roads, proof aginst their appetights. To be et up bi grasshopps, to be consumed bi muskeeters, or mangled bi a mule, hav allways been the three deaths that i hav voted aginst. But az mutch az i fear the dedly hopper, i had rather face a mile square ov them, all alone, in the month ov August, or i had rather cross the Newark marshes, bi moonlite, in Juli, when muskeeters are in their consumate glory, or even fondle the sportive mule, than to hav a _nusepaper kritick_, who writes for 8 dollars a week, git after me.

_CAMBRIK NEEDLES._

The slowest time on reckord,--is skool time.

* * * * *

The man who _forgivs_, and dont _forgit_, compounds for 50 cents on the dollar.

I dont take enny phoolish chances, if i waz called upon
to mourn over a ded mule, i should stand in front ov him, and do mi
weeping.=

J. Billings Esq.

When a man gits to going down hill, it duz seem, az tho
every thing had been greased for the ockashun.

Josh Billings

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1878.

_Thare he struggles, and groans,
'Till he iz knockt on the hed,
And the once rapid trotter,
Lies pulseless and ded._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _DAY BREAKS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Frosty @ now | | | 2| W || @ gobble cider @ | Politeness never makes enny | | 3| T || @ expekt kold @ | blunders, it often gits snubbed, | | 4| F || @ Nick Hudibras @ | but never gits beat. | | 5| S || @ fled @ 1851 @ | | | 6| G || @ @ colder @ @ | | | 7| M || @ Nick fled @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || @ to Texas @ | | | 9| W || @ snow @ threatens @ | When you cum akrost a man | |10| T || @ now unearth @ | that neither flattery, nor abuse, | |11| F || @ p-o-t-a-t-o-e-s @ | wont stimulate, let him alone, he | |12| S || @ cool nights @ | haz gone to seed. | |13| G || | | |14| M || liberty @ and @ union | | |15| T || @ still @ cooler @ | | |16| W || @ one @ and @ | * * * * * | |17| T || @ fine day @ | | |18| F || inseparable @ now | Thare iz nothing more bekuming | |19| S || @ the duck @ | than humality, and nothing | |20| G || q-u-a-c-k-e-t-h @ | that most ov people are more | |21| M || @ more frost @ | ashamed ov. | |22| T || @ Sally Foster @ | | |23| W || @ marrid 1826 @ | | |24| T || @ cool and wet @ | * * * * * | |25| F || | | |26| S || Sally marrid @ for | | |27| G || love @cooler @and | It iz a grate art to kno how to | |28| M || 45 hundred dollars | giv gracephully, I hav seen good | |29| T || a year @ wind flau | light bread change into a stone, | |30| W || @ sum @ now @ | in passing from one hand to | |31| T || highst @ turnips @ | another. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE APPLE._

The apple iz the oldest fruit on reckord, and one ov the best. The fust ackount we hav ov it, was in the gardin ov Eden. Eve iz sed to hav et the fust one, and pronounced it good, and made Adam take a bight. The eating ov this apple never has been konsidered mutch ov a hit for the rest ov us. The apple will keep longer than enny other fruit, if it aint eaten, and kan be workt up into apple sass, and dumplings, with grate suckcess.

I kan tell a mans tru karakter, bi what he eats, or drinks, clusser than i kan to hear him deliver a tempranse lektur. Talk of all kinds iz artyfishall, but vittles, and drinks, iz natur. Whenever yu see a man cussing, and swareing at apple sass, and good light dumplings, yu can bet 10 dollars, on mi ackount, that he aint a good fireside man. Apples also, when they are well squeezed, produce cider, which iz next to milk, az a fertilizer. Egnogg owes most ov its glory unto cider. Champane wine would be dredphull skarse in market if it want for cider, and good sharp vinegar would be az unkommon az piety, or tru affeckshun, if it wazn't for cider. Jersey lightning also kums from cider, this iz the only wicked thing i ever knu cider to do. Jersey lightning haz scalded more people than hot water ever haz, and killed more than Minnie rifles.

_FOAM._

Thare iz nothing which a chaste, and refined woman detekts so quick as the atmosphere ov an impure man.

* * * * *

Contentment has been praized more, and prakticed less, than enny other condishun ov life.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1878.

_Now they kart him away--
Forgot, and forsaken,
To far-famed "BARREN ISLAND,"
The Trotter iz taken._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SNOW FLAKES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Cold @ the | | | 2| S || cricket @ chirps @ | I like philosophy on general | | 3| G || @ faintly @ more | principles, but the man who invented| | 4| M || coldy @ now @ | the frickshun match, a | | 5| T || trap @ for minks | cent a box, haz dun the world | | 6| W || @ it snows @ | more good, than than the author | | 7| T || @ Ruben Hatfield @ | ov the stoick philosophy. | | 8| F || obsquatulated 1811 | | | 9| S || @ chilly @ | * * * * * | |10| G || @ Reuben @ was @ | | |11| M || a toll/gate @ keeper | Thare iz a grate menny fresh | |12| T || @ now @ bruize @ | water martyrs on the footstool, | |13| W || @ w/o/o/d @ | folks whoze gratest pride iz to tell| |14| T || @ colder mutch @ | us what a miserable time they hav | |15| F || @ thou @ shalt @ | allways had ont. | |16| S || not @ s-n-o-r-e @ | | |17| G || in @ thy @ sleep | * * * * * | |18| M || @ very @ cool @ | | |19| T || @ meazles @ found @ | | |20| W || @ 1492 @ Bob @ | Advice and phisick are so | |21| T || Barnes @ died 1603 | plenty, that the man who makes | |22| F || raw @ but cold @ Bob | enny blunders, or gits sick, must | |23| S || Barnes @ was @ a | be a phool. | |24| G || vegitinarian @ more | | |25| M || snow @ Bob Barnes | * * * * * | |26| T || waz a kold @ potato | | |27| W || @ champion @ | | |28| T || @ Farewell @ | A vain man lets us see all hiz | |29| F || @ my boys !!! @ | weak points, and hides hiz strong | |30| S || | ones. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE AVERAGE BOARDING HOUSE._

I hav lived in boarding houses long enuff to decide, that most ov them are the most cheerless, and unfriendly places on earth. The alms house, or the hospital, iz a more luvly spot to liv in, than the average boarding house. They are kept bi females, gennerally about 45, or 46, years old, and never gits enny older, who wears a blak allpacka dress, az slippery, and shiny, as a piece ov pattent leather, and who kan blo a butcher klean out ov hiz stall, or lift the false hair oph from the heds, ov one ov her Bridgets, when she gets to argueing the case hot.

Her house iz furnished from top to bottom with faded furniture, the spoils ov a thousand aukshun sales, which iz the only place she visits, except the meat, and vegetable markets Everything on the table, and about the house, inkluding attendance, iz meazzured out at the rate ov about nine ounces to the pound, and the whole thing runs dry, and squeaking like the axles ov a waggon, in want ov grease. Thare iz not one solitary, genuine cumfort, in theze concerns, and men, and wimmin, liv, year after year, in theze hash asylums, cursing them every day, and without the moral force to desert them.

I was once told ov one landlady who kept a party ov four young fellows in her house, two months longer than they wanted to stay, bi putting a ten cent stamp into the hash every morning. The landlady dealt out the hash, and managed to get the stamp every time.

_DUST._

The way of the transgressor iz hard,--and there ain't no transgressor kan dodge it neither.

* * * * *

Experience iz about all that old age can boast ov, and how often iz even this ov the bitterest kind.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1878.

_Thar hiz hide is stript off,
And two dollars brings,
And his bones are workt up,
Into buttons and things._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SKIMMINGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || Orphull @ kold @ | I have a grate kuriosity now to | | 2| M || now @ hunt @ for | kno when the next flood is a | | 3| T || @ ice @ it @ | going to take place, and whether | | 4| W || @ waxes kolder @ | thare kan be found on the face ov | | 5| T || @ Zeke @ Davis @ | the earth a crew fit to man the | | 6| F || born 1850 @ big @ | next ark with. | | 7| S || @ s-n-o @ storm @ | | | 8| G || @ Zeke waz @ | * * * * * | | 9| M || @ a @ henpecked @ | | |10| T || man @ it is winter | I hav heard wize men phrovesy, | |11| W || now @ the ☼ cow | and fools guess, all mi life, but i | |12| T || s-h-i-v-e-r-e-t-h @ | never hav kept enny count which | |13| F || ☼ more @ bitter @ | ov them haz got it right the | |14| S || @ Adam @ was @ | oftenest. | |15| G || @ a phool @ | | |16| M || @ more ☼ snow @ | * * * * * | |17| T || @ now maim wood @ | | |18| W || dredphull @ cold @ | When i waz a boy i allwuss wanted | |19| T || @ man is @ | tommorow to cum, in middle life | |20| F || @ a @ f-a-i-l-u-r-e @ | i wanted a day to last allways, now | |21| S || @ wind northy @ | that i hav got older, i look at | |22| G || bi @ north ☼ now | yesterday, and to day, and compare | |23| M || pay @ your honest | them with tommorow, and wonder | |24| T || dets @ it grows cold | what all this fuss iz about. | |25| W || now ! comfort ☼ your | | |26| T || wife @ more snow | * * * * * | |27| F || Buy Josh Billings' | | |28| S || A-l-l-m-i-n-a-x @ | Thare iz lots ov people in this | |29| G || sighns ov a thaw @ | world, who spend so mutch time | |30| M || Let @ us @ meet | watching their healths, that they | |31| T || @ here again ☼ | haint got no time to enjoy it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_A LONG PARAGRAFF._

Guessing iz a dredphull poor trade, i had just about az soon hav a man tell me a lie az to guess at a thing, in case ov doubt ask yure wife, when the sun shines wimmin are butterflys, and luv to bask in its rays, but when the dark hours cum, and even hope begins to look over its shoulder, ask yure wife about it, and she will either puntch a hole thru the klowd, or lift up one corner ov it, and sho yu a star, I luv babys, i luv them bekauze they are aktually necessary, I luv them bekauze they wont lie, I luv them bekauze they may be the next president sum time, i luv them bekauze i waz a baby once miself, and perhaps sumboddy loved me, i hav sumtimes thought gamblers were az honest az they kan afford to be, they allwuss giv notiss before hand that they will cheat you if they kan, I beleave in one wife, one dog, and one friend, with a few cheerfull acquaintances thrown in to make up the assortment, doenutts and cheeze are lawful tenders in Nu England, nine doenutts, a quarter ov a pound ov old cheeze, and a pint ov sharp sider, iz a luncheon fit for a nuly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, or a trakt pedlar, dandys are things ov the past, I havn't seen a regular full blossomed, old fashioned dandy, going on now seven years, I* * * * * *

_SEDIMENT._

When a coquet falls in luv, she falls in all over, prudes make a mental reservashun.

* * * * *

I would rather number amung mi intimates, an ideot, or even a pikpocket, than infidel.

31 Days. JANUARY. 1879.

"_Now is the winter ov our diskontent._"]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _KRYSTALS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || | | | 2| T || @ _Keep_ @ _cool_ @ | Yung man, set down, and keep | | 3| F || @ _korn_ @ _starch_ @ | still, yu will hav plenty ov chances| | 4| S || @ _it snows_ @ | yet to make a phool ov yureself | | 5| G || @ _invented_ @ | before yu die. | | 6| M || @ now @ 1835 @ | | | 7| T || @ iz @ the @ @ | | | 8| W || @ winter @ _Sam_ @ | * * * * * | | 9| T || ov our _Peterkin_ | | |10| F || @ @ diskontent @ @ | | |11| S || @ _born_ @ _kolder_ @ | It iz a wize man who proffits | |12| G || @ 1202 @ more @ | bi hiz own experience--but it iz a | |13| M || kolder @ @ @ _Sam_ | good deal wizer one, who lets the | |14| T || --now--_waz_-- | rattlesnaik bite the other phellow. | |15| W || @ rake @ a @ | | |16| T || r*i*g*h*t*e*o*u*s | * * * * * | |17| F || @ @ in @ ice @ @ | | |18| S || _man_ @ @ @ _sighns_ | | |19| G || @ @ @ _the_ @ _ov_ @ @ | | |20| M || _frog_ @ _snow_ | Take all the phools out ov | |21| T || @ _lies_ @ _kolder_ @ | this world, and thare wouldn't be | |22| W || @ @ _still_ @ now @ @ | enny phun, nor proffit living in it | |23| T || _snow_ @ @ @ jam | | |24| F || @ 2 @ _feet_ @ fires @ | | |25| S || _deep_ @--@ Mozes | * * * * * | |26| G || @ @ _a thaw_ @ @ | | |27| M || B*u*r*b*a*n*k*s-- | | |28| T || @ _now_ @ deceased @ | Allmost enny phool kan prove | |29| W || @--1818--@ | that the bible aint true, it takes | |30| T || @ s-w-a-l-l-o-w @ | a wize man to beleave it. | |31| F || @ _kolder_ @ cider @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BOOK CANVASSER._

The book canvasser iz a red hot being, az untiring az a fox hound, and az free from diffidence az a fish pedlar. He works hiz way into every spot in kreashun, and will often sell a book to a man, for hiz own price, who swore at first that he wouldn't take it az a gift. He will travel more miles in a day, on less hash, than a stage horse, and kan stand more abuse than a chinaman. The book canvasser haz bekum the terror of the land, and mankind hide from him az they would from the taxgatherer, or a case ov the small pox. I rather like the book canvasser, when a man pitches into me, and offers to sell me 650 pages ov "_Doktor John Hirsute's modified diagnosis ov the cappilliary attrakshun_," and stiks to it untill he gits the book onto me, i am delighted with the man, and proud ov miself. It takes genius to do theze things, and i luv genius in all shapes, whether it appears az the author ov a dikshionary, or the pattentee of bar soap, warrented to take the letterings off from a mile stone in three washings. The book canvasser haz mi hottest prayers for hiz sukcess, and tho i never ov late subskribe for enny thing, not even to buy the new klergyman an independant seckond hand trotting kronometor, still i am allwus reddy to reckomend him to mi nabors.

_SLUNG SHOT._

"_Throw fisick to the dogs_," is a very old proverb, but whare will yu find the dog that will tutch it?

* * * * *

Experience teaches us mutch, but learns us little.

28 Days.

FEBRUARY.

1879.

_Two Perch--possibly one Smelt._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |(!)|@ || _The Slate._ | _CENTER SHOTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Kold_ ¶ now | | | 2| G || @ _waxes_ @ make @ | I would az soon think ov pulling | | 3| M || @ _snow_ ax @ | the feathers out ov a peakoks | | 4| T || _falls_ @ @ handles | tale, az to interfere with inosent | | 5| W || < Kate @ _aufull_ > | vanity ov a man. | | 6| T || Sherman @ @ @ _koldy_ | | | 7| F || @ @ fell _more_ @ @ | | | 8| S || Kate * * * * | * * * * * | | 9| G || @ @ _koldness_ @ @ | | |10| M || * * * * fell | When a wize man undertakes | |11| T || @ _the_ @ down @ | to do a kunning thing he allmost | |12| W || | allways makes a mizerable failure | |13| T || @ ¶ _Bumblebee_ ¶ @ | ov it. | |14| F || cellar @ @ _lies_ | | |15| S || @ _now dreaming_ @ | * * * * * | |16| G || @ _krak_ * _kolder_ @ | | |17| M || _buttnutts_ @ @ _it_ | Marrid life iz a little game, in | |18| T || @ Adam @ _snows_ @ | which the woman, if she iz called, | |19| W || @ Brown @ @ _it_ @ | iz allmost sure to hav a strate | |20| T || kreated @ @ _thaws_ | flush. | |21| F || @ 1400 Adam @ | | |22| S || _more_ @ _snow_ @ waz | | |23| G || @ _now_ a @ natral@ | * * * * * | |24| M || @ _pay_ kuss @ | | |25| T || _dets_----@----Ben | The man who knows a thing, | |26| W || @ _still_ @ Franklin @ | and can tell it in the fewest words | |27| T || _kolder_ @ @ @ waz | iz the hardest kind of a man to | |28| F || ¶ thawy ¶ a ¶ kard ¶ | beat in a kross examinashun. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE CHIPMUNK._

The chipmunk iz the smallest of the squirrell tribe. They are striped goods, having three blak lines wove into them, running the same way the squirrell duz. Az a spekulator in corn the chipmunk stands at the hed ov all the small operators, beating the blujay, in hiz yearly operashuns about a quart. The chipmunk carrys hiz corn in hiz mouth, and when he cums out ov a cornfield loaded with the cereal, his cheeks stik out like a duch baby's. Sumtimes the chipmunk iz kaught and kept in a cage, and iz made to turn a wheel for a living, this iz the only usefull work they hav ever been known to do. I hav often lookt at them at work in their wheels, and dont kno which i pitty the most, the chipmunk, or the party who has to tend them, both of them mite be in better bizzness. They are the only insekt who dig their holes and sho no pile ov dirt at the entrance. I hav asked sevral smart men what bekums ov the dirt, but they all shook their heds and lookt awfull wize. When i waz a boy i used to ketch chipmunks bi running away from skool, and the day that I brought in two ov them waz a big day for me.

_CRUMBS._

The devil iz a very cunning phellow, but the blunders he makes allwuss eats up the profitts in hiz bizzness.

* * * * *

A dandy iz an individul whoze usephullness in this world depends entirely upon the fit ov hiz clothes.

31 Days. MARCH. 1879.

_On the War Path.--The hit ov the seazon._]

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate_. | _DU DROPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || _Wind_ @ @ @ | | | 2| G ||@ *-*-*- now | The things that i kant prove i | | 3| M ||@ _howls_ @ tan @ | beleave the most, i beleave that | | 4| T ||_more_ @ woodchuk | one apple iz sour, and another | | 5| W ||@ _wind_ @ skins @ | one sweet, but i will giv enny | | 6| T ||Pete @ _wind_ | highly eddikated man, a span ov | | 7| F ||@-@ Perkins @-@ | matched mules, who will tell me | | 8| S ||_r-i-z-e-s_ @ b-o-r-n | what makes them so. | | 9| G ||@ _more_ @ @ 1840 @ | | |10| M ||_windfull_ @ | | |11| T ||----Pete @ _it_ | * * * * * | |12| W || | | |13| T ||@ _rains_ @ waz @ | I hav lived just long enuff to | |14| F ||@ @ coloured @ @ | find out how little i kno, and no | |15| S ||_sighns_ @ @ @ he | man who throws away hiz faith, | |16| G ||@ waz @ _ov_ @ @ @ | iz ever going to be very wize. | |17| M ||_snow_ @ a @ @ @ | | |18| T ||c-o-l-o-u-r-e-d | | |19| W ||@ _now_ @ barber @ | * * * * * | |20| T ||@_d_ @ _r_ @ _a_ @ _w_@ | | |22| S ||@ @ @ _violet_ @ @ @ | iz hiz conshience, he may outargy | |23| G ||---- _ackounts_ | hiz reazon, or stutify hiz faith, | |24| M ||@ _haz_ @ _more_ @ | but he kant beat hiz conshience. | |25| T ||_cum_ @ _windfull_ | | |26| W ||@ @ @ now _it_ @ @ @ | | |27| T ||_blows_ @ @ @ drink | * * * * * | |28| F ||@-@- Noah -@-@ | | |29| S || .... Egg had .... | The best thing i kno ov iz a | |30| G ||-- nogg @ 3 -- | fust rate wife, and the next best | |31| M ||_it_ @ _blows_ @ boys @ | thing, is a sekond rate one. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_REMARKS._

Three kard monte iz a game ov chance, the chance iz, that yu will git badly beat, unless yu play it alone. When thare iz 2 plays the game, sumbody iz bound to git hurt. Girls are a more risky crop to raize than boys, if a boy makes a bad blunder, he kan wipe out the slate once, or even twice, and begin again, but a girl kant. I kant tell who old Probabilitiz iz, but he iz a smart kuss, aint he? Whiskee iz one ov the tonicks, i think, but i aint sure, i kno it iz one ov the tanglelegs, for I hav seen it tried often. Yu kan sell a fast horse in Nu York at yure own price, provided he iz fast enuff. But dont bring enny 3 minnitt kattle to Nu York, the ice kream, and the milk men, drive faster than that. Our old fellows, in Nu York, menny ov them who hav seen 70 years, when they go out onto the hard roads, dont take enny but 2.25 dust. Speaking ov kats mi opinyun remains unchanged, they are az full ov flaws, az a March wind iz. Yu kan make a lawyer, or a minister ov your son, either ov them are decent callings enuff, but neither ov them will make him respektabel, unless they are well filled Nuzepaper hacks are harder workt, and poorer fed, than livery stable horses. Authors, and skribblers, az a klass, are a self konsaited, and seedy set, and I believe a literary man, when he gits poor, and shiny, iz the poorest looking kritter on the footstool.

_LINT._