Chapter II: Part 2

_Third._--Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and cantering around promiskuss.

* * * * *

_Fourth._--Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the _Year 1870_, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov the JOSH BILLINGS' FARMERS' ALLMINAX.

Pordunk Valley Rail Road.

RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS.

1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a single track.

2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the platforms,--menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform drop from under him.

3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are.

4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew the president of the road.

5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum untill the fine iz paid.

6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "_thou shalt not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another_."

7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests.

HOW THEY DO TALK

ABOUT

Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax

FOR THE YEAR 1870.

"Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh Billings' allminax for 1870."

* * * * *

"It kured mi wife ov wanting to die."

* * * * *

"It iz like peper sass in a hot day."

* * * * *

"The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov ginger popp."

* * * * *

"When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a full blown dandylion."

* * * * *

"It gave me grate presence ov mind."

* * * * *

"My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure allminaxes."

* * * * *

"How cooling, and perforating it iz."

_THE NATRAL HORNET_

The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors.

_DOMESTIK RECEIPTS._

To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the yung ones will hook them.

* * * * *

To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express train.

* * * * *

To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him pleasantly.

* * * * *

To cure herring,--use Godfrey's Kordial.

_THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH._

The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date. They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins; thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach. Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan't swim, but that he kan float for a long time.

_HINTS TEW YUNG WIFES._

1. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu.

* * * * *

2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav for him.

* * * * *

3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor sister.

* * * * *

4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick, and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder.

I notiss one thing,--the man who rides on the kars every
day, iz satisfied with one seat, but he who rides once a year, wants
4.=

That's so. Josh Billings

The man whom yu kant git to write poetry, or tell the
truth, untill yu git him haff drunk aint worth the investment.=

No sir. Josh Billings

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1871.

Q.--Who waz the best dead beat? @ @

A.--Cain: he dead beat his brother Abel. @ @

_He who by the plough would thrive,
Must no 2 forty kattle drive,
But worry the ground to and fro,
With horned kritters who skasely seem to go._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _HASH ON TOAST._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ _Grate cold_ @ @ | | | 2| M || Adam born @ @ | All the good injuns die young. | | 3| T || _cold grows_ @ | | | 4| W || @ @ Adam had no | * * * * * | | 5| T || mother [@] @ | Mankind love misterys, a hole | | 6| F || @ _simptoms ov a_ | in the ground excites more wonder | | 7| S || _thawness_ @ bi | than a star up in heaven. | | 8| G || industry we thrive | | | 9| M || _it looks like snow_ | * * * * * | |10| T || Eve born @ _8_ | | |11| W || _i shouldn't wonder_ | Jist about az cerimonys creep | |12| T || _if it did snow_ | into one end ov a church, piety | |13| F || Eve waz a | backs out at the other. | |14| S || success @ @ @ | | |15| G || grate sassige riot | * * * * * | |16| M || in 1612 @ @ | | |17| T || now haul ice @ @ | Blessed are they who hav no | |18| W || 50,000 sassige | eye for a key hole. | |19| T || destroyed @ _a thaw_ | | |20| F || _threatens_ @ Adam | * * * * * | |21| S || waz a confiding man | Don't mistake vivacity for wit, | |22| G || thaw more threatensome | thare iz about az mutch difference | |23| M || @ he took | az thare iz between lightning and | |24| T || the chances § | a lightning bug. | |25| W || _colder_ @ @ @ | | |26| T || and got badly beat | * * * * * | |27| F || @ @ _mercury_ | | |28| S || @ _an inch_ @ @ | A coquett in love iz az tame az | |29| G || belo zero @ @ | a bottle ov ginger pop that haz | |30| M || @ @ beware of the | stood sum time with the corck | |31| T || gout @ @ @ @ | pulled out. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE UNIVERSAL SWINE._

The Swine, (almost always) hav four legs, tho thare iz sum remarkable exceptshuns to this rule. Swine are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what is sot before them, and don't ask enny phoolish questions. The Swine kan be larnt a great menny amusing things, sich az highsting the front gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to git into the cornfield, but it iz dredful hard work for them tew find the same hole tew git out at, espeshily if yu are in a hurry to hav them. This haz never bin fully explained, but speaks vollums for the swine. Swine can all root well, a swine that kant root well, iz a poor job.

_HINTS TEW YUNG HUSBANDS._

1. Marriage iz a fair transackshun on the face of it.

* * * * *

2. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.

* * * * *

3. Sum marry for pedigree and feel big for six months, and then cum tew the conklusion, that pedigree aint no better than skim-milk.

* * * * *

4. Sum marry tew pleaze their relashuns and are surprized that their relashuns don't kare a cuss for them afterwards.

* * * * *

5. Marry Yung!--thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz,--a seckond marriage.

28 Days.

FEBRUARY.

1871.

Q.--What iz the best thing out yet for real comfort? @ @

A.--An aking tooth. @ @ @

_Now gather round the kitchen fire,
And pile the chunks on hier and hier,
Git out the old fiddle and partners choose,
And shake her down in your cowhide shoes._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _CHICKEN SALLAD._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ @ How doth the | | | 2| T || little bizzy bee @ | Thare iz one kritter in this | | 3| F || _it snows_ @ @ @ | world whoze troubles yu kant | | 4| S || sting evry good | console, and that is a setting hen. | | 5| G || chance he kan git | | | 6| M || now slaughter wood | * * * * * | | 7| T || @ @ _hazy_ @ @ | Thare iz nothing like a sick | | 8| W || Jo Smith created | bed for repentance, a man bekums | | 9| T || @ 1818 @ | so virtewous he will often repent | |10| F || sum snow at Montreal | ov sins that he never committed. | |11| S || @ @ | | |12| G || Jo Smith manufakterd | * * * * * | |13| M || mormons @ | One ov the hardest things, for | |14| T || _squally_ @ @ out of | enny man to do, iz tew fall down | |15| W || phools @ @ | on the ice when it iz wet, and | |16| T || @ virtew iz her own | then git up, and praze the Lord. | |17| F || paymaster @ | | |18| S || _bitter cold_ @ @ | * * * * * | |19| G || Jo waz not a polly | Gravity iz no more posatiff | |20| M || gamist @ @ | evidence ov wisdum, than a paper | |21| T || @ @ _sum more_ | collar iz ov a shirt. | |22| W || _coldness_ @ @ | | |23| T || bully for Jo @ @ | * * * * * | |24| F || grind stuns fust | | |25| S || diskovered 1500 ¶ | Curiosity often gets a mouse | |26| G || _raw but cold_ @ @ | into a trap,--jist so it duz other | |27| M || @ whooping cough | folks. | |28| T || iz ketching @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM_.

Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a living. The angleworm, tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing. I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze. Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet--(to ketch fish with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day Sunday for daice in a mill-pond.

_HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE._

To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump.

* * * * *

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

* * * * *

To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly.

31 Days.

MARCH.

1871.

Q.--Who iz the coming man?

A.--The female suffragist.

_Dear girls and boys, take mi advice,
And don't go on the rotten ice;
For many a gal has fell chuck in,
And thus has ketched her final ducking._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _History_ | _CAPER SAUCE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || _Streaks ov wind_ | Natur never makes enny blunders; | | 2| T || @ haul in yure | when she makes a phool, | | 3| F || close line @ @ | she means it. | | 4| S || | | | 5| G || @ _windy_ @ @ | * * * * * | | 6| M || de gustibus non | | | 7| T || et cetera @ @ | Thare iz sum pholks in this | | 8| W || @ _skey overkast_ @ | world who spend their whole lives | | 9| T || | a hunting after righteousness, and | |10| F || ignorance iz bliss @ | kant find enny time tew praktiss | |11| S || @ bring out yure | it. | |12| G || geese @ @ @ | | |13| M || @ _cold wind_ @ | * * * * * | |14| T || | Human happiness iz like the | |15| W || and let them March | Hottentot language, enny boddy | |16| T || _windy windness_ | kan talk it well enuff, but thare | |17| F || @ use Higinbottoms | aint but phew kan understand it. | |18| S || | | |19| G || pills @ @ @ | * * * * * | |20| M || @ _wet rain_ @ | | |21| T || they are az mild | Grate transgreshuns seem tew | |22| W || az a juice harp @ | baptize themselfs,--if the Devil | |23| T || John Rogers died | had only bin gilty ov pettit | |24| F || 1683 @ @ | larceny, he never would hav bin | |25| S || _sum more wind_ @ | heard ov agin. | |26| G || he fell in the | | |27| M || fire @ @ @ | * * * * * | |28| T || @ _8_ now tap for | | |29| W || maple sugar @ | I dont kno ov enny thing more | |30| T || @ _hi winds_ @ @ | remorseless, on the face ov the | |31| F || § life iz uncertain @ | earth, than 7 per cent interest. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BELLYCOSE GOAT._

The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stummak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt Goat would be a literary curiosity.

_PREMIUMS._

_Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870._

To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33-1/8 dollars for riding a velosipede down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front teeth, and distorting hiz noze.

* * * * *

To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting drowned.

* * * * *

To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership in the mackerel club, for riding a velosipede over a nu milch cow, and splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1871.

Q.--Define the "fust impreshun." @ @

A.--A mother's kiss. @ @ @ @ @

_April phool was born this month,
A simpleton, but clever;
And tho 4000 years ov age,
He's just az big a phool az ever._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _SHRIMPS._ | +---+--++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Liquid rain._ @ | A man with a very small head | | 2| G || The violet iz | iz like a pin without enny, very | | 3| M || blew * _showery_ @ | apt tew git into things beyond hiz | | 4| T || hark! tis the | depth. | | 5| W || noble bull | | | 6| T || frog's voice @ @ | * * * * * | | 7| F || _wet_ @ @ jews | Thare are menny people in this | | 8| S || harps diskovered | world who are like flies, grate | | 9| G || | bores without meaning it, or knowing| |10| M || @ 1296 @ | it,--"shoo fly." | |11| T || now plant | | |12| W || gardin sass @ @ | * * * * * | |13| T || @ Cupid born 95 | | |14| F || _look out_ | Falling in luv iz like falling into | |15| S || for some | molassis, sweet but dredful dobby. | |16| G || _wetness_ @ @ | | |17| M || Cupid is a lytle | * * * * * | |18| T || cuss @ | | |19| W || set out onions @ | When i see an old man marry a | |20| T || _sumwhat wetty_ @ | yung wife, i consider him starting | |21| F || @ now hath the | out on a bust, for i am reminded | |22| S ||winter of our diskontent| ov the parable about mixing nu | |23| G || @ _gentle_ | wine into old junk bottles. | |24| M || _showers_ @ finally | | |25| T || thawed out @ _look_ | * * * * * | |26| W || _out for rain 8_ no | | |27| T || kards @ _it duz rain_ | A lie iz like nitroglycerine, the | |28| F || @ Daniel Lambert | best judges kant tell when it iz a | |29| S || was very | going tew explode, and skatter a | |30| G || phatt @ | muss. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE MELODIUS CAT._

The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one; they are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very reasonable; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind ov a nite for cats neither.

_FAMILY NOSHUNS._

To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him.

To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint.

To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz jumps.

To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things).

Thare iz nothing so hard for us to understand, and so eazy for others,
az that we hav fiddled our tune out.=

Kindly yure. Josh Billings

Thare iz no man so poor but what he kan afford to keep one dog,--and i
hav seen them so poor, that they could afford to keep three.=

J. Billings Esq

31 Days. MAY. 1871.

Q.--What waz the name of Shakspear's dog? @

A.--Dog-Berry. @ @ @ @

_Now plant oats and gardin sass,
Yoke geese, and black snakes kill;
Set hens; set traps for thieving rats;
Set what you please, but don't set still_.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ | +--|---||------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M ||@ Dandylions in | | | 2| T || market @ _Soft | The man who kant find enny | | 3| W || and barmy_ @ who | thing to do in this world, iz az bad| | 4| T || will be queen @ | oph az a yerling heifer. | | 5| F || @ @ of May @ | | | 6| S || _mild_ @ it is hard | * * * * * | | 7| G ||to tell [?] @ | | | 8| M || @ Job waz a | I luv tew see an old person joyfull | | 9| T ||pashunt man | but not kickuptheheelsfull. | |10| W || _refreshing wet_ @ | | |11| T || @ now ketch frogs | * * * * * | |12| F || _warm wetness_ @ | | |13| S || Job had biles @ _more | Don't lay enny certain plans | |14| G || warmy_ @ tax | for the fewter, it iz like planting | |15| M ||collektors | tuds and expekting tew raize | |16| T || loafing | tudstools. | |17| W || around @ now | | |18| T || chew lettuce @ _hot_| * * * * * | |19| F || @ _with rain_ @ | Thare iz no pashun ov the | |20| S ||pole yuer beans @ | human harte, that promises so | |21| G || @ _wind south_ | mutch, and pays so little az | |22| M || @ Noah Webster | _revenge_. | |23| T || waz a good speller | | |24| W || @ _sudden rain_ @ | * * * * * | |25| T || @ @ he had better | Thoze persons who spend all | |26| F || spells than | their time watching their simptoms, | |27| S || Billings @ _expekt | are the kind who _enjoy poor | |28| G || rain sprinkles_ | health_. | |29| M ||go in when it | | |30| T ||rains @ | | |31| W || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BRINY CODFISH._

The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so salt. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards.

If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage tew make the other two meals out of cold water.

(_Advertisement._)

_MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD._

For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance.

They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull it in two.

Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will hunt till it finds it.

Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house.

Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the litening in the naberhood.

30 Days. JUNE. 1871.

Q.--What iz a good "_counter irritant_"? @ @

A.--A young dri goods clerk.

_In this month, more than all the rest,
Things seem tew jump their very best;
Carrots and yungones, purp and kitten,
Like Joner's gourd, are up, and gittin._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _PARSNIP STEW._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Now hunt | A kicking cow never lets drive | | 2| F ||for rozes @ | until just as the pail gets phull,--| | 3| S || _warm hotness_ @ | it iz jiss so with sum mens | | 4| G || @ the grasshopper | blunders. | | 5| M ||iz a burden @ | | | 6| T || @ _muggy wetness_ | * * * * * | | 7| W ||natur grows @ @ | | | 8| T || @ _hot_ @ | Whenever a minister haz | | 9| F || @ let her grow @ | preached a sermon that pleazes | |10| S ||now @ ho korn @ | the whole congregashun, he probably | |11| G || _wet sighns_ @ | haz preached one that the | |12| M || @ _ov more rain_ | Lord wont endorse. | |13| T ||more grasshoppers | | |14| W || born @ bet 10 | * * * * * | |15| T ||dollars it will | | |16| F ||rain @ | | |17| S ||pride goes @ before | It aint mutch trubble tew bear | |18| G ||a fall @ @ | the pain ov sumboddy else's lame | |19| M || @ @ _exquisite | back, but tew hav the lame back | |20| T || rains_ @ Jack and | onesself aint quite so stylish. | |21| W ||Gill went up | | |22| T ||the | * * * * * | |23| F ||hill @ 1357 @ @ | | |24| S || @ _hotter_ @ | The man who wont beleave | |25| G ||Jack @ and Gill | enny thing he kant see, aint so | |26| M ||cum down | wize az a mule, for they will kick | |27| T ||the hill 1358 @ | at a thing in the dark. | |28| W || @ now take it | | |29| T || eazy @ | | |30| F || | | +------++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE FREQUENT FLY._

The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git born i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned,--in milk-cans. Flys morally considered are like other human beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the wuss for flys.

_WANTED._

Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the females az they pass out.

Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco prefered.

No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a military coat, at twenty paces.

This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius.

Salary payable weekly.

References exchanged.

31 Days. JULY. 1871.

Q.--When iz a ship az sick az her passengers are? @

A.--When she heaves too. @ @ @

_Hornets now are on the wing,
Red hot, and crazy for to sting:
Oh, don't go ni the tarnal kritters!
For they are sure, and pizon hitters._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _History._ | _GREEN GOOSE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Ice iz king | Every time a man laffs he takes | | 2| G || _hot and warm_ @ | a kink out ov the chain ov life, | | 3| M ||Sampson waz a | and thus lengthens it. | | 4| T || strong man _very hot_ | | | 5| W ||he could lift a | * * * * * | | 6| T || ton @ _hotter_ @ | | | 7| F ||with hiz | Three skore years and ten iz | | 8| S ||little finger @ | mans furlo, and it iz enuff,--if a | | 9| G || @ _hot increases_ @ | man kant suffer all the mizery he | |10| M || now beg for | wants in that time he must be | |11| T ||ice cream | numb. | |12| W || @ _thunder shower | | |13| T || in the west_ @ | * * * * * | |14| F || @ the goose iz not | | |15| S ||a game bird @ | A crowing hen, and a cackling | |16| G || @ _grate | rooster, are very misfortunate | |17| M || hotness_ @ @ mad | poultry in a family. | |18| T ||dorgs around @ _bileing | | |19| W || hot_ @ Noah | * * * * * | |20| T || had three sons | Man iz mi brother, and i konsider | |21| F || _thunder and_ @ @ | that i am nearer related tew | |22| S || @ _litening_ @ | him through hiz vices, than i am | |23| G || @ Noah | through hiz virtews. | |24| M || owned the ark @ | | |25| T || _much hot_ @ in | * * * * * | |26| W || @ Adam's fall | We should not forgit one thing-- | |27| T || @ we sinned all @ | thare iz not a sure thing on this | |28| F ||Yew bet, @ Andy | footstool,--even the best tooth | |29| S || Johnson waz a | in our head may fall tew akeing | |30| G || Taylor @ @ | before sunset and hav tew be | |31| M || | jerked out. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE READDY ROOSTER._

Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over, calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up the worm.

Jist like a man for all the world!

_HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS._

Tew git rid ov cockroaches,--sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the mountains.

Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service,--cut it out ov buckskin, and fri it tew a koal black on a greaseless griddle.

Tew pick out a good husband!--shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in the Lord.

Tew make a kat mad,--trod on her continuashun.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1871.

Q.--Why iz woman like an echo? @ @

A.--Bekauze she will hav the last word. @ @ @

_All nature bileth.
Roosters pant and so do lizzards;
The mules upon the dusty road
Kan't raise a trot, to save their gizzards._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _History._ | _GIBLETS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || _warm with_ @ | | | 2| W || @ _hot streaks_ | Lazyness iz a good deal like | | 3| T || Jack | money,--the more a man haz ov | | 4| F || the giant killer @ | it the more he seems tew want. | | 5| S || _much hotness_ @ | | | 6| G || @ killed a giant | * * * * * | | 7| M || 1250 @ _look out | | | 8| T || for a grate hot_ @ | It iz hard work at fust sight, tew | | 9| W || the giant waz 25 | see the wisdom in a rattle snake | |10| T ||foot square @ @ | bite, but thare are thousand ov | |11| F || _hot_ @ @ @ in | folks who never think ov their sins | |12| S || his stocking feet | until they are bit bi a rattlesnake.| |13| G || _cooler_ @ oh for | | |14| M || a lodge in | * * * * * | |15| T || sum vast woods | | |16| W || _thunder and_ @ | "A poor, but dishonest cuss!"--this | |17| T || @ _litening_ @ | iz about az low down az | |18| F || on a straw matrass | enny man kan get, unless he drinks | |19| S || @ _more_ | whiskee. | |20| G || @ _hotter_ @ now | | |21| M || dig for mint | * * * * * | |22| T || juleps @ | | |23| W || _gigantik rain_ @ | Living on hope iz like living on | |24| T || @ let her drizzle | wind, a good way tew git phull | |25| F || _very heaty_ @ @ | but a poor way tew git phatt. | |26| S || meazles diskovered | | |27| G || @ 1600 @ _hot_ | * * * * * | |28| M || snakes lively @ my | | |29| T || name iz | It iz human tew err,--but devlish | |30| W || Norval @ | tew brag on it. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE DOOCED MONKEY._

The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey terrier in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the school boy,--and probably for similar reasons. They are sumtimes kept az pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with _Baldwin The Clothiers_ trademark,--C. O. D.

_KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LAWS._

1. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down cellar and duz it.

2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matrimony unless she kan make a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp place, without loseing its twist.

3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu England rum.

4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury, who aint handy with the 10 commandments.

If a young man haint got a well ballanced hed, i like to see him part
hiz hair in the middle.=

Dont yu, Josh Billings

It iz one ov the hardest
things on earth for a man
to learn,--that he plays a
third rate game ov whist.=

No doubt, Josh Billings

30 Days.

SEPTEMBER.

1871.

Q.--What is wealth? @ @ @

A.--Baggage at the risk of the owner. @ @

_The carrion crow sits straddle the fence,
Trying az hard az he can to weep,
Az he thinks ov death and its consequence
To spavined hosses and rickety sheep._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _CRANBERRY SAUS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F ||@ _Exquisit and | | | 2| S || soft wind |Love is like the meazles, we | | 3| G ||melts_ @ angels |kan't hav it bad but once, and the | | 4| M || seen bi |later in life we hav it the tuffer it| | 5| T || moonlite |goes with us. | | 6| W ||_fragrant showers_ @ | | | 7| T |@ fust poet | * * * * * | | 8| F ||born 642 @ _limpid |The miser who heaps up gains | | 9| S || tenderness_ @ |tew gloat over, iz like a hog in a | |10| G ||_cam and cool_ @ |pen, fatted for a show. | |11| M ||stars twitter @ | | |12| T || @ azure twilight | | |13| W ||_wind sow bi sow | * * * * * | |14| T || west_ @ lovers | | |15| F ||meet @ |Most every one seems tew be | |16| S || @ _soft showers_ @ |willing to be a phool himself, bu | |17| G || and kiss @ harvest |he kant bear to have enny boddy | |18| M ||yure pumpkins @ |else one. | |19| T || @ _slick weather_ | | |20| W ||hark! from the | * * * * * | |21| T ||tombs a doleful | | |22| F ||sound @ _soft wind_ | | |23| S ||Tom Corwin |The man who haint got an | |24| G ||waz a wagon |enemy, iz really poor. | |25| M || boy @ | | |26| T ||_tender winds_ @ | * * * * * | |27| W || @ on linden | | |28| T ||when the |Advise iz like kastor ile, eazy | |29| F ||sun @ waz low |enuff to giv, but dredful uneazy | |30| S || |tew take. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE LOAFING RACCON._

The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family consists ov one wife, and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long, that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons; they want as much waiting on az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them, than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad.

_HOME DOINGS._

Tew freshen a salt mackerel,--tow him one summer behind a steam bote.

Tew make a man good mad,--starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff.

Tew be one ov the "_oldest inhabitants_," remember very well, when yung Nebudkenezzer waz a babe.

Tew be happy,--eat molasses, and swing on a gate.

31 Days.

OCTOBER.

1871.

Q.--What did Joner do while in the whale's stumak?

A.--The best thing he did waz tew git out ov it. @

_Sweet cider now, and punkin pize,
And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy:
Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy,
So phull ov phun, so free and eazy?_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _BEEFSTAKE AND ONIONS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || _Gentle frost_ @ |Thare aint but phu men who | | 2| M || @ cider invented |kan stick a white hankerchief into | | 3| T || 1536 @ _sighns |the brest pocket ov their overcut | | 4| W || ov snow_ @ _wind_ @ |without letting a leetle ov it | | 5| T || _shifty_ @ _it may |stick out,--just bi acksident. | | 6| F || snow, and it may | * * * * * | | 7| S || not_ @ _calm |A cheerful old man, or old | | 8| G || coldness_ @ now |woman, iz like the south side ov | | 9| M || potatoes dig @ _wind_ |a wood shed, in the last ov | |10| T || @ _nor by |winter. | |11| W || nor west_ @ | | |12| T || @ David slewed | * * * * * | |13| F || Goliar | | |14| S || _cooler_ @ with a | Men mourn for what they hav | |15| G || small rock @ hens |lost, wimmin for what they | |16| M || begin to lay @ |hain't got. | |17| T || | | |18| W || _snow squalls_ @ | * * * * * | |19| T || _cold_ @ let it | It iz very eazy tew repent ov | |20| F || squall who cares @ |sins we hav committed, but to | |21| S || |repent ov thoze we intend tew | |22| G || @ @ Eve waz the |commit, iz asking too mutch ov enny | |23| M || first woman @ |man theze days. | |24| T || _raw cold_ @ @ | | |25| W || who fooled | * * * * * | |26| T || her man | | |27| F || | Pitty costs nothing,--and aint | |28| S || _sharp frost_ @ | wuth nothing. | |29| G || | | |30| M || @ down with @ | | |31| T || @ the taxes @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE THOUGHTFUL FOX._

The Fox iz a literary bird; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer and Herodotus; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty but he haz got a grate supply of _politikal honesty_. If another Fox in hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the goose, and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in hiz eye, "_that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi_."

[_Advertisement._]

_MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES._

Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer, rickets, redgum, and bawling.

Cures gout, hang nails, _wont go tew sleep_, stummak ake, and _want every thing they see_.

Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface.

Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes.

Babes bawl for it.

Nurses pray for it.

Fathers buy it bi the barrell.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1871.

Q.--What iz ginger pops? @ @ @ @

A.--Gim-nastick water. @ @ @ @ @

_The bullfrog haz hung up hiz fiddle,
The bug and the cricket are still;
No more can be heard in the marshes,
The musketo fileing hiz bill._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _History._ | _SLAP JACKS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || _Sour and_ @ | | | 2| T || @ _sad_ @ | A dog iz the only thing on this | | 3| F || grate skassity ov | earth that luvs yu more than he | | 4| S || grasshoppers @ | luvs himself. | | 5| G || _sour and_ @ @ | | | 6| M || _chilly_ @ | * * * * * | | 7| T || Brigham Young | Lies are like illegitimate children,| | 8| W || born 1818 @ | liable to call a man _Father_! | | 9| T || _cold_ @ _Brigham_ | when he least expekts it. | |10| F || was a _youngster_ @ | | |11| S || _snow on the_ | * * * * * | |12| G || _mountains_ | A gentleman iz a gentleman the | |13| M || @ in time of | world over,--it iz only the loafers | |14| T || peace | that differ. | |15| W || prepare for | | |16| T || war @ | * * * * * | |17| F || _raw rain_ @ @ | | |18| S || @ now lay in | What men kant do they are | |19| G || a bad cold @ | very apt tew admire,--they dont | |20| M || for winter @ | criticize a mountain bekause they | |21| T || @ _it snows_ @ | kant make one. | |22| W || the festive | | |23| T || cockroach | * * * * * | |24| F || haz fled @ | | |25| S || | Sekrets are cussid poor property | |26| G || @ winter draws | enny how; if yu cirkulate them | |27| M || ni @ _cold and_ | yu loze them, and if yu keep them | |28| T || _clammy_ @ kats | yu loze the interest on the | |29| W || swell with | investment. | |30| T || crossness @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_KALKULASHUNS OV A PROGNOSTIX NATUR._

Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow, or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time.

Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan prognostix what will cum next.

Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for harvesting.

If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them.

Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall.

Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood pile.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1871.

Q.--What is pity? @ @ @ @ @

A.--Cheap charity, @ @ @ @ @

_Now kil pigs and bucher hens,
Murder geese and ducks that quack,
Chop down wood, and sassage make,
And evenings play----Hylojack._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _OYSTER PADDYS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ 1871 haz | One ov the fussyest scenes i | | 2| S || about pegged | ever beheld waz two old maids | | 3| G || out @ | waiting on one sick bachelor. | | 4| M || _bitter cold_ @ @ | | | 5| T || @ Homer waz a | * * * * * | | 6| W || good poet | | | 7| T || eggs dredful | Revenge iz just az natral to | | 8| F || uncommon @ | flow az milk,--yu will see little | | 9| S || _grate sno storm_ @ | boys club the post that they bump | |10| G || @ Congress iz a | their head against. | |11| M || sitting @ @ | | |12| T || _cold_ @ but don't | * * * * * | |13| W || @ hatch out ennything | | |14| T || @ _wind_ | Opinyuns are like turnips, worth | |15| F || _north_ @ @ | just what they will fetch. | |16| S || beware of false | | |17| G || proffits _ice iz_ | * * * * * | |18| M || _from 12 inches to_ | | |19| T || _a foot thick_ @ @ | Courage without discreshun, iz | |20| W || Soloman waz a | like a ram with horns on both | |21| T || smart man @ | ends, he will hav more fights on | |22| F || @ _sighns ov a thaw_ | hand, than he kan do justiss to. | |23| S || he waz a good | | |24| G || judge ov the sex @ | * * * * * | |25| M || _colder_ @ the | | |26| T || year drops its | When yu find a man who iz | |27| W || curtain @ _the wind_ | very solisitus about the welfare ov | |28| T || _moans_ @ farewell | everyboddy, yu kan safely put him | |29| F || my countrymen @ | down az one who iz hunting for a | |30| S || | misfortune. | |31| G || | | +--+---+-------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_LETTER TO FARMERS._

_Beloved Farmers_:

Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass.

Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.

Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs.

Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese.

The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.

What iz a lawyer?--What iz a merchant?--What iz a doktor?--What iz a minister?--I answer, nothing

A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.

Beloved farmers, adew.

Josh Billings.

_EXTRAKT OV LETTERS_.

_Fredom Senter, Nov. 17th, 1870._

FRIEND BILLINGS:

Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov man; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. _I remane thine._

_Obadiah Broadbrim._

* * * * *

MR. BILLINGS:

We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal.

_Editor of London Athaneum._

* * * * *

DEAR JOSH BILLINGS:

Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 17 cents for one allmanaxt; i am poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live mother.

_Charley Briggs, Jun._

* * * * *

_Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870._

DEAR MISSER JOSH:

The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871; it made dis chile perspire gratuitussly wid bliss.

Yure cullud person friend,

_Josepheen Johnsing._

* * * * *

MISTER JOSHUA BILLINGS:

I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would send me bi the barrow yure allmanaxes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874, exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure loveing friend, _Jerusha Sheldon_, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike.

_HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY._

The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16 year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars, klear ov awl debt.

* * * * *

The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time her husband will be a dentist or an alderman.