Chapter V: Part 5

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _PLUM PITS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || Now marry @ now | Human natur iz like cow natur, | | 2| M || thrash oats § now | i hav known them both tew giv a | | 3| T || @ puntch fires @ | good mess ov milk, and then kik | | 4| W || now ketch rats @ | it over. | | 5| T || @ now eat @ | | | 6| F || @ hash @ | | | 7| S || @ now | * * * * * | | 8| G || @ grease boots @ | | | 9| M || @ @ now pla | | |10| T || @ checkers @ now | I luv a phool, what little i kno | |11| W || sing sams @ @ @ | i hav larnt by hanging around | |12| T || @ @ now chew | them. | |13| F || gum @§@ @ now | | |14| S || [§§] kurl hair (!) | | |15| G || now mux @ | * * * * * | |16| M || @ sassage @ now | | |17| T || @ jerk wood | | |18| W || now kil duks @ | Munny makes munny. We all | |19| T || ([@ @) now | ov us take our korn to the ritch | |20| F || kil time †] @ now | miller tew hav it ground. | |21| S || @ swop hens | | |22| G || @ @ @ @ now | | |23| M || yoke steers @ | * * * * * | |24| T || now tell @ @ | | |25| W || @ yarns--now | | |26| T ||sighn the pledge [?] | Thare iz two kinds ov wize people | |27| F || @ now go to bed @ | in this world, the _wize_ and the | |28| S || | _unwize_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS._

HIS MEMORANDUM.

Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man; he never waz known tew waste ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and the one he never forgot tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz obliged tew giv him bak the munny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Billings waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but rekless extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his virteus, but blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What has bekum ov him I kant state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew drop it. I will dri up here. The end. Hush! Lay low.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

The klussest man i ever knu, Waz Deakon Erastus Meggs, Tew save expense, he oft would sett, Hiz pullets on spile-ed eggs.

31 Days. MARCH. 1874.

Q.--What iz hash? @ @ @

A.--A konfidense game. @ @ @

_He sawed the wood and bilt the fires,
And while the boys were playing,
Hurried, and swept the skool hous out,
And dun a little praying._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _SNAPPIN TURKLES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ @ Tell me | Humility iz cup bearer to wisdum. | | 2| M || yee whispring | | | 3| T || winds @ when @ | | | 4| W || @ @ @ hens | * * * * * | | 5| T || @ will lay @ | | | 6| F || and | | | 7| S || @ what will @ @ | Thare iz plenty ov pholks in | | 8| G || be next @ @ @ | this world whoze hartes bleed for | | 9| M || @ @ spring | the poor, but whoze pocket-books | |10| T || the price @ @ | never do. | |11| W || ov hay @ | | |12| T || @ @ @ and | | |13| F || tell me if @ @ @ | * * * * * | |14| S || @ @ yu kan | | |15| G || whare i will @ | | |16| M ||@ @ find an honest | The man who iz willing tew | |17| T || man @ @ and @ | help everyboddy (i am sorry to | |18| W || @ also tell me @ | say this), iz willing tew be | |19| T || @ whare all | cheated by everyboddy. | |20| F || @ @ @ the modest | | |21| S || wimmin are @ @ @ | | |22| G || @ tell me @ @ | * * * * * | |23| M || @ theze things | | |24| T || and tell me @ @ | | |25| W || @ true @ and | If i kan set the fashions for a | |26| T || @ whispring | people, i dont kare who makes | |27| F || winds @ @ @ | their laws. | |28| S || @ @ i'll be @ | | |29| G || @ mutch obliged | | |30| M || @ to yu @ | | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MELKISIDEK BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He loved the whole entire femail populashun. He parted hiz hare in the middle, and did it unkommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little finger-nale. Historians say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter, a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with a dansing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate it. "_An honest man iz the nobless work ov God._" Good, aint it? Rather!

_MORAL._

Dandys are a harmless crew,
Ov the butterfly purswashun;
Happy with a nektie new,
Hero's ov sum small ockashun.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1874.

Q.--Define twins? @ @

A.--2 mutch. @ @ @

_In this big, but pekuliar world,
Not a friend had Hezekiah,
The boys put pins into hiz chair,
And water in hiz hair diah._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _QUALE ON TOAST._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ Hark @ the | | | 2| T || violet cums @ @ @ | Sum pholks are like kats, so | | 3| F || on tip toze | well ballanced that they alwuss | | 4| S || @ and the | strike on their feet when they | | 5| G || yello dandy @ @ | fall. | | 6| M || @ @ lion gilds | | | 7| T || the sod @ and | * * * * * | | 8| W || krickets kraul @ | | | 9| T || @ @ @ from out | | |10| F || their holes @ @ | Lovers are alwuss defineing | |11| S || @ and loafers | their extacys, but they are in no | |12| G || seek the sun @ @ | better condishun tew do it, than | |13| M || @ and dogs | a drunken man iz tew deliver a | |14| T || @ @ tree kats | tempranse lektur. | |15| W || and frogs begin | | |16| T || @ tew jabber @ | | |17| F || @ @ and tinkers | | |18| S || tramp @ and | * * * * * | |19| G || April phool @ @ @ | | |20| M || | | |21| T || @ grins at | | |22| W || every corner @ @ | Silence iz alwus safe. | |23| T || @ @ and--hark | | |24| F || from the tombs @ | | |25| S || @ @ a doleful | | |26| G || @ [!!] sound | * * * * * | |27| M || @ mine ears @ | | |28| T || attend @ @ @ | | |29| W || @ the cry @ @ | False praze iz the wust kind ov | |30| T || and so forth @ @ | slander. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SOLOMAN BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdum, but, like Soloman ov old, he could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov wisdum; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum; litening couldn't strike a tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in digging down tew the hard pan ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large amount ov impudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i look bak upon him az one who haz departed this life. Adew, Soloman, mi ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat! I will add, quite.

_MORAL._

Wisdom chunks are chunkier far, Than all the chunks that chunky ar.

The man who kan wear a paper collar, a whole week, and keep it
klean,--aint good for enny thing else.=

Jess so, Josh Billings.

Never take the Bull bi the horns Yung Man, but take him bi the tale.
Then yu kan let go when yu want to.=

Yure warm friend, Josh Billings

31 Days.

MAY.

1874.

Q.--What iz ignorance? @ @ @

A.--Raw happiness. @ @ @

_The skule kommitty made him work,
(How krewel and unphealling,)
For less than a bartender gits,
And nary chance for stealing._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _POP KORN._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Now the | | | 2| S || vain rooster @ @ | I dont kare what a mans | | 3| G || @ @ splits hiz | kondishun in life iz, if he iz too | | 4| M || thrut @ and | mutch for the kondishun he iz a | | 5| T || @ hope exultant @ | hero. | | 6| W || spreds her @ @ | | | 7| T || @ downy wing | | | 8| F || and life iz short @ | * * * * * | | 9| S || @ @ but sweet | | |10| G || @ and lettiss @ | | |11| M || grows apace | | |12| T || @ and giv me @ | Avarice iz about the only | |13| W || @ liberty or @ | pashun that improves by age. | |14| T || @ giv me deth | | |15| F || @ @ @ and what's | | |16| S || @ the matter @ | | |17| G || with Hannah @ | * * * * * | |18| M || | | |19| T || @ and hav | | |20| W || yu heard @ @ | | |21| T || @ that deakon | The truly brave are alwus | |22| F || Jones @ | generous. | |23| S || @ @ @ @ @ haz | | |24| G || lost a @ @ | | |25| M || @ @ heifer | | |26| T || @ and sich @ | * * * * * | |27| W || iz life @ | | |28| T || and woodman @ @ | | |29| F || @ @ @ | He whom prosperity makes | |30| S || spare that @ | humble and thankful, adversity | |31| G || @ @ tree @ and @ | haz no power over. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_DUTERONOMY BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about agreeing. Duteronomy waz immense in one thing, and that waz the length ov hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin, than enny man in history. One writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the difference, and call it 7. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would sustain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansesstors, i am guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if i er, it will be all owing tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since I had the meazles. They took place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I had them too thik. Duteronomy Billings waz named after old Duteronomy ov bible times, and az ansesstors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav. He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklushun i will say lie still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee. I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed.

_MORAL._

Sum men are oktagon,
And sum three-sided are,
'Tis mortal tuff tew find one
Who iz kompletely square.

30 Days.

JUNE.

1874.

Q.--Define the hen? @ @ @

A.--A lay member. @ @

_Tho kivvered o'er with sich abuse,
He never fout agen it,
The very wuss that Hez' would kuss,
Waz the simple word KONDEMIT._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KREAM OV TARTAR._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Can the | | | 2| T || leopard change @ | Vice makes a man kunning, | | 3| W || @ hiz name @ waz | virtew makes him wize. | | 4| T || Norval on the @ | | | 5| F || Grampine hills | | | 6| S || @ he loved not @ | * * * * * | | 7| G || | | | 8| M || wizely but too | | | 9| T || @ menny @ cooks | | |10| W || spile @ the brakeing | The ritch spend their time in | |11| T || @ wares dashed @ | kreating wants, the poor in | |12| F || hi low Jak @ and | gratifying them,--the poor are | |13| S || @ @ the game | the most sensible. | |14| G || of brag iz good @ | | |15| M || @ but holdfast | | |16| T || iz better @ @ | * * * * * | |17| W || @ @ @ late than | | |18| T || never too old @ | | |19| F || @ to learn @ | The man who iz the most fraid | |20| S || @ @ the luxury | tew die, iz the one who knows | |21| G || ov doing | least how tew liv. | |22| M || @ good @ bye @ | | |23| T || sweetheart | | |24| W || @ and George @ | * * * * * | |25| T || @ @ Washington | | |26| F || waz | | |27| S || the father @ @ | | |28| G || @ @ ov hiz | I had rather be a boy again, | |29| M || natiff @ @ | than tew be the autokrat ov the | |30| T || @ @ land @ @ | world. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_PORKANBEANS BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sentury. He loved a horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that imparshall history tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the anshunt daze, one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old flag-tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly, sumwhare about the fust ov the 17th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello-being from dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi ansesstor. Deth iz our porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself. Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so.

_MORAL._

Tew swop a horse and not git beat,
Iz sumthing nice tew brag on,
I tried it once, and that's the time
I lost a horse--and waggon.

31 Days.

JULY.

1874.

Q.--Pleaze defin a good wife? @ @ @

A.--A silent partner in the consarn. @ @ @

PORK AND BEANS]

_Dont talk to me ov anshunt Job,
Ov biles he had a plenty,
But they were all one breed ov biles,
Leastwise 19 out ov twenty._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _SHOOTING STARS._ *** | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ Grate hot @ | | | 2| T || @ Billy Buckram | One ov the eazyest things tew | | 3| F || died 1304 @ @ | hear ov, and at the same time | | 4| S || @ carry the @ | one ov the hardest tew find, iz a | | 5| G || news to Mary @ | ghost. | | 6| M || @ @ hotter still @ | | | 7| T || i luv it @ hot | | | 8| W || inkreases @ @ @ | * * * * * | | 9| T || @ @ i luv it @ | | |10| F || still hotter @ that | | |11| S || old arm chair @ | It iz only a step from lazyness | |12| G || | tew vice, and a short one at that. | |13| M || @ @ awful hot | | |14| T || and who shall | | |15| W || @ more hot @ | | |16| T || chide me @ cooler | * * * * * | |17| F || @ @ with rain @ | | |18| S || @ @ for luving | | |19| G || lightning and | | |20| M || thunder @ @ @ | Thare iz lots ov people who | |21| T || that @ still hot | mistake their imaginashun for | |22| W || @ @ that @ Nancy | their memory. | |23| T || Dodge born @ @ | | |24| F || 1786 @ old | | |25| S || @ arm chair @ | | |26| G || @ @ wind south | * * * * * | |27| M || mad dogs @ @ @ | | |28| T || @ @@ seen @ the | | |29| W || boy stood on @ @ | | |30| T || @ the burning dek | Bashfullness that kant be overcome, | |31| F || mutch weather @ | iz modesty. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JAMAIKA BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak'e Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i suppoze waz burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I? I hav bin told not. Queer.

_MORAL._

I never knu, in all mi life,
Enny man tew go krazy,
Who alwuss took things setting down,
And kultivated hiz lazy.

31 Days.

AUGUST.

1874.

Q.--What iz a cock loft @ @ @

A.--A roosters hed. @ @ @

_But in a distrik skool i kno,
Each boy's a bile uncommon,
And must a diffrent poultiss hav,
Tew git a hed upon em._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _MUSHROOMS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || Huge heat @ @ | | | 2| G || @ David Blair | It iz az hard work tew git | | 3| M || born 1818 @ @ @ | acquainted with a haff bred | | 4| T || @ hot inkreases | family, az it iz for them tew | | 5| W || @ @ David Blair | conceal their pedigree. | | 6| T || waz an | | | 7| F || @ essence pedlar @ | | | 8| S || thunder showers @ | * * * * * | | 9| G || @ now keep @ | | |10| M || @ cool @ @ hotter | | |11| T || | | |12| W || @ @ if enny man | If a man knows himself thoroughly, | |13| T || attempts tew @ | he iz az wize az he kan | |14| F || @ more hot @ | be in this life. | |15| S || haul down @ good | | |16| G || @ hot @ the flag | | |17| M || @ red hot @ shute | * * * * * | |18| T || him on the @ | | |19| W || @ spot @ cooler | | |20| T || now @ Bully for | I luv tew watch the sports ov | |21| F || Dix @ @ now lay | children, they kant be children | |22| S || @ @ in yure sun @ | but once, and then but a short | |23| G || strokes @ for next | time. | |24| M || @ winter @ it biles! | | |25| T || @ Mike Doolittle | | |26| W || born 1830 @ died | * * * * * | |27| T || 1850 @ Mike done | | |28| F || but little here belo | | |29| S || nor dun that little @ | Hope claims the most, and iz | |30| G || @ long @ now | satisfied with the least, ov enny | |31| M || konkockt juleps @ | pashun ov the harte. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EKLEEZIASTIKS BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occupashun. He waz az puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze' Billings. He waz kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum over in the May Flower, but didn't cum. He cum over the nex fall, and went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum without fust asking tew be forgiv for it. How pure! how lam like! Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin; he waz over 6 feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth. He died from eating too mutch garden-truk. How sad! how disinterested! Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass buttons on, and a sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze' waz both a saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game; he wouldn't hav enny doktor. He dispized doktors bills. How touching! Truly. How touchful! Really.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

Blest iz the man who iz partikular, And duz all things up perpindikular. (Chorus.) Ri fol de rol, ri folderikular.

Josh Billings, and the Twins. =

Thare iz 2 things in this world for which we are never fully prepared,
and that is.--twins.=

Jess so, Jess so, Josh Billings.

Josh Billings on the haff shell.=

The man who swallowed the fust oyster, from the haff shell must hav
been astonished, at the sudden way it waz dun, but I dont beleave he
waz more suprized, than the oyster waz.= Josh.=

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1874.

Q.--Define honesty? @ @ @

A.--The wag ov a dogs tail. @ @ @

_The only kind ov konsolashun
This man got, aint worth a kuss,
For 'twas PITTY,--and we all kno
PITTY iz but mild disguss._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KAPER SAUS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || * Butiful weather | Genuine wit dont make a man | | 2| W || elegant weather @ | laff enny more than logick duz. | | 3| T || @ deliteful weather | | | 4| F || superb weather @ | | | 5| S || @ @ divine weather | | | 6| G || charming weather | * * * * * | | 7| M || exquisitt weather @ | | | 8| T || emoshional weather | | | 9| W || @ gorgeous weather | | |10| T ||* celestial weather * | Yu kan buy larning, but wit | |11| F || blissful weather @ | and wisdum are the gift ov God. | |12| S || @ grate weather @ | | |13| G || @ fine weather @ @ | | |14| M || @ delishus weather | | |15| T || heavenly weather @ | * * * * * | |16| W || @ glorious weather | | |17| T || magnificient @ @ | | |18| F || @ @ weather @ | | |19| S || gushing weather | Energy iz another name for | |20| G || @ sweet weather @ | kapacity. | |21| M || exhuberant weather | | |22| T || @ poetick weather | | |23| W || fragrant weather @ | | |24| T || @ luvely weather | * * * * * | |25| F || languishing weather | | |26| S || soft weather @ mild | | |27| G ||weather @ bewitching | | |28| M || weather @ and | Yung men, like grayhounds, | |29| T || common weather @ | follow by sight; old men, like | |30| W || | bloodhounds, follow by track. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_LUKE BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az austere az hoss-radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny friends, nor enny enemys; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. Sleep on! sleep on! dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew noboddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear! oh, dear! Luke i pitty yu. Luke Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

From keeping skool, and the pay,
Two things pestiverous,
I feel az tho' I'd like to say,
Good Lord! deliver us.

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1874.

Q.--What iz a husband? @ @ @

A.--Gander ov the ockashun. @ @ @

_Much rather would i hav a man,
Than offer me hiz pitty,
Hit me rite smart long side the hed,
For that mite make me gritty._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KONDENSED MILK._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T ||@ @ About these @ | The more rare a mans qualitys | | 2| F || days expekt rain | are, the more he will be found | | 3| S || @ @ @ now worry | falt with,--dust on a dimond iz | | 4| G || wood chucks @ @ | alwus more noticeable than dust | | 5| M || @ @ sighns ov | on a brik. | | 6| T || snow @ @ @ now | | | 7| W ||hurry coons @ @ @ | | | 8| T || @ cooler @ now | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ persekute musk | | |10| S || rats @ frost @ @ | | |11| G || @ @ now | Experience teaches a good | |12| M ||@ @ hunt patridge @ | many things, but dont learn us | |13| T || @ quite kold @ | but a phew. | |14| W ||@ now chase quails | | |15| T || more snow @ now | | |16| F ||@ pester foxes @ @ | * * * * * | |17| S || @ sour rain @ | | |18| G || @ now persew @ @ | | |19| M || bears @ hard | I hav seen old villains who | |20| T || @ frost @ @ now | were komparitively pure, they had | |21| W || sarch for @ | either worn out their vices, or | |22| T ||@ @ @ elephants @ | their vices had wore out them, i | |23| F || @ @ more kold @ | dont kno whitch. | |24| S || @ now go for | | |25| G || anakondys @ @ | | |26| M || @ freezing @ now | * * * * * | |27| T || @ prospekt for @ | | |28| W || Behomaths @ raw | | |29| T ||kold @ now dig for | It requires the gratest ov skill | |30| F || mastedons @ now @ | tew hide a weakness. | |31| S || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he did. When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't. Hiz wife waz smarter than chane litening, and kleaner than a ghost, she waz. Her hash didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart-wheels in it, it didn't. Yu mite az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a hoss, trade with a peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could. Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious! how impekunious! how transhunt! Alass! alass! Neb' waz kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in 1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she will. But she kant, kan she? She kant. Happy it iz that thare iz a thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so.

_MORAL._

Every man thinks he kan keep a hotel,
But O! how delusiv and rash,
For thare aint no kind ov bizzness so mixt,
Az doing a klean job in hash.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1874.

Q.--What iz pitty? @ @ @

A.--Cheap charity. @ @ @

_Enny man who a skool haz kept
Ten years, (krewel fate allass!)
Ought tew hav hiz shuze pulled oph,
And be turned out tew grass._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _GINGER SNAPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Hark @ the | | | 2| M || @ @ kold wind | Thare iz, now and then, a man | | 3| T || whissells @ @ and | who knows that he iz a phool; | | 4| W || @ the rane @ | sutch a man iz a hard man tew | | 5| T || drizzles @ @ and | cheat. | | 6| F || @ @ @ the snow @ | | | 7| S || phizzles @ @ @ and | * * * * * | | 8| G || @ the fire sizzles @ | | | 9| M ||and the @ @ dogs @ | | |10| T || @ bark @ and | I hav known people who waz | |11| W || @ @ @ the boys | virtewous just bekauze they waz | |12| T || @ lark @ @ @ | lazy, they hadn't snap enuff in | |13| F || @ @ @ and the | them tew brake one ov the 10 | |14| S || kats mew @ @ and | commandments. | |15| G || @ the kittles stew | | |16| M || and the pork @ | | |17| T || @ @ @ fries @ and | * * * * * | |18| W || | | |19| T || @ the mince @ @ | | |20| F || pies @ @ @ @ @ | | |21| S || | I beleave pitty iz more ov an | |22| G || @ @ and the @ | impulse than a principle, for we | |23| M || turkey dies @ @ | seldum respekt thoze that we | |24| T || @ and the | pitty. | |25| W || @ owl dreameth @ | | |26| T || and the goose @ @ | * * * * * | |27| F || @ skreameth @ and | | |28| S || the girls @ @ @ @ | | |29| G || @ snikker @ and the | He who suspekts everyboddy, | |30| M || men dikker @ and | should be watched by everyboddy. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MUSHANMILK BILLINGS._

HIS MEMORANDUM.

Mushanmilk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov ansesstors. He was begot during the 11th or 12th sentury, or thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk personally. He died previous tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that Mushanmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont exackly conspire with what i know ov the Billings'es. Cheeck haz alwus been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi ansesstors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their _ambishun_ waz the result ov _vanity_. Their _honesty_ the effekt ov _edukashun_. Their _charity_, the luv ov _novelty_. Their _philosophy_, able tew bear the stummuk-ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not worth a kuss in their own; and their _virteus_ generally, more the growth ov their _pride_ than ov their _humility_. What a pitty! Echo answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

Thare aint to-day, so just a vittle, Az mush,--rite hot, from out the kittle.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1874.

Q.--Define salt kodfish? @ @ @

A.--Vittles and----drink. @ @ @

_Instid ov this, how trew it tis,
The skoolmaster iz treated,
Like one we owe 50 dollars,
And wont admit we've cheated._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KOLD KUTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Bitter kold @ @ | The more humble a man iz | | 2| W || a thing ov buty @ | before God, the more he will be | | 3| T || @ iz a joy forever | exalted,--the more humble he iz | | 4| F || thundring kold @ | before men, the more he will git | | 5| S || @ @ @ if yu must | rode ruff shod. | | 6| G || drink hot @ @ | | | 7| M || @ rum @ do it now | * * * * * | | 8| T || jehosiphat kold @ | | | 9| W || @ now distruckshun | The only really natral thing | |10| T || @ @ wood @ slam | thare iz about enny man, iz hiz | |11| F || bang kold @ @ | conshunce. | |12| S || Job Stearns | | |13| G || @ @ @ born 1500 | * * * * * | |14| M || indefatigabel kold | | |15| T || Job Stearns @ @ | Enuff good luk will ruin enny | |16| W || @ waz an @ | man. | |17| T || @ itinerant @ @ @ | | |18| F || ompompanoosuck | * * * * * | |19| S || @ kold @ Job @ | | |20| G || itinerated @ @ @ | Whare thare iz one man obstinate | |21| M || @ tin ware | bekauze he iz wize, thare iz | |22| T || sno phawls @ now | 4,695,853 obstinate bekauze they | |23| W || stir up @ @ @ | are ignorant. | |24| T || @ @ yure goose | | |25| F || unimpeachible kold | * * * * * | |26| S || @ roosters freeze @ | | |27| G ||yures, with sparkling | Trust in God first, yure nabor | |28| M || @ hopes--Josh | next, and yureself last.--AMEN. | |29| T || Billings @ | | |30| W || @ Allminacker @ | | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HEAR THE PAPERS TALK!_

We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875, than be elected captain of a malitia company.

_Coonhollow Demokrat._

* * * * *

Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched out; it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things; buy it, and set down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again.

_Boston Pilgrim._

* * * * *

We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor from it each hour; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he who steals it, will finally die.

_New Orleans Budget._

* * * * *

Saw my right leg off, lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the contents of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875 aint the bullyest brick the civilized world has ever laid eyes on.

_Texas Daily Bandit._

* * * * *

Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst; like an oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on the run.

_Lowell Examiner._

_PRIVATE OPINYUNS OV JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX._

"A pearl ov grate price."

_Deakon Mozes Mills._

* * * * *

"I reckomend this allminax to all persons out ov a job."

_Israel Pugh._

* * * * *

"Az konsise az a kambrik needle."

_E. R. Dunkan._

* * * * *

"This allminax iz az phull ov sharp things az a hedgehog's back."

_Ezra Fisk._

* * * * *

"Az natral in the family, and quite az catching, az the meazles."

_Dokt. J. Munson._

* * * * *

"Oh lud! i never did peruze enny thing haff so mutch like it."

_Widdo Jane Perkins._

* * * * *

"Tis too sweet for enny thing."

_Miss Matilda Ann Brown._

* * * * *

"It iz a lofty produkshun, full ov immense wisdum, graphick delineation, and koruskating generalitys."

_John Mead, A. M._

_HONESTY_.

Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak; it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to ours, and from now untill the judgement time, an _Honest man_ haz been, and will be, "_The noblest work of God_." Pope's deskripshun ov an honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever haz been used.

_A KARD_.

A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheeze,--full ov little things.

* * * * *

When a man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a jury.

The musketo iz born ov poor but industrious parents,--but
haz in hiz veins, sum ov the best blood in the Country=

Yures for 90 Days. Josh Billings=

Dont hurry things mi sweet friend. The best time to sett
a hen,--iz when the hen iz reddy.=

Try it--Josh Billings.=

31 Days. JANUARY. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite piece ov skulpture? @ @

A.--The mile-stun nearest home. @ @ @ @

_Erly the Nuze Boy crawls from hiz koal box,
Tho sno on the hard ground may lay,
And skuds for the nuze paper offiss,
To get his supply for the day._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _MORNIN GLORYS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ @ @ Rather | If i kant hav but two things on | | 2| S || kold @ @ @ | me that dont pinch, let it be mi | | 3| G || @ @ pepper sass | shirt kollar, and mi boots. | | 4| M ||invented 1632 @ @ | | | 5| T || @ @ @ mutch kold | | | 6| W || now mangle * @ | * * * * | | 7| T || @ @ @ wood | | | 8| F || sighns ov † @ ] | | | 9| S || @ sno @ @ | Christians seem to fite under | |10| G || dont pik | | cover, but the devil stands boldly | |11| M || @ @ geese | out, and dares the world to single | |12| T || this month @ | kombat. | |13| W || expekt sum @ | | |14| T || @ @ weather | | |15| F || hi tides @ ::: | * * * * | |16| S || @ now anihilate | | |17| G || hogs @ ? [!] | | |18| M || @ @ more :o: | Philosophy iz a kind ov severe | |19| T || koldly @ * @ | sentinal, who locks up the harte, | |20| W || @ @ Mike Tower | and throws the key away. | |21| T || died 1812 @ @ @ | | |22| F || @ prepare @ | | |23| S || @ for sno @ @ | * * * * | |24| G || @ @ @ dont @ | | |25| M || @ plant enny @ | | |26| T || corn this month | A thoroly lazy man iz ded enuff | |27| W ||@ dredphull chilly | to be buried, and his phuneral | |28| T ||now assassinate @ | ought to be advertized at once. | |29| F || @ poultry @ go | | |30| S || to bed arly @ @ | | |31| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_GRIT._

Grit iz a good thing to hav, but yu dont want too mutch ov it. I hav known folks who had so mutch grit, that they didn't kno when they waz whipt. This dont pay. I like to see a man who aint afrade to fite a wind-mill, when she iz in phull blast, but i dont kare to see him do it, for a wind-mill iz a hard job to thrash, and they dont kno neither when they hav got enuff. Grit and spunk, are two twins, and their mother iz Courage, and their father iz Bravery. I have seen grit, and spunk, and even courage, that didn't hav a bit ov bravery in them. Bravery allwuss ackts from a principle. Grit may be rite, and may be rong. It aint very certain, or partiklar whitch. Gritty men aint allwuss luvly, they are too mutch like sandpaper to handle, allwuss reddy for a skratch. I like grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to arbitrate the kase at onst. If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that. This aint fair.

_ARGUMENTS._

It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the meazles.

* * * * *

Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz better ones in market than either ov them.

28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1875.

Q.--What's yure opinyun ov Rats? @ @ @

A.--Poor. @ @ @

_Now having arrived at the offiss,
He goes in for nonsense, and noize,
And strives to git hold ov hiz papers,
Before the rest ov the boys._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _HELIOTROPES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || Kondem kold @ | When a woman wants ennything, | | 2| T || @ @ now flies | she wants it with all her | | 3| W || @ are still @ | strength, and every boddy elses | | 4| T || snow falls @ @ @ | strength too. | | 5| F || @ thare iz a @ | | | 6| S || divinity shapes @ | * * * * | | 7| G || @ @ @ our ends | | | 8| M || kold grows @ | Intelekt without judgement iz | | 9| T || @ @ kolder | what ails about one halff the smart | |10| W || @ Bill Stevens @ | people in this world. | |11| T || @ @ @ born 1306 | | |12| F || now chew slapjax | * * * * | |13| S || @ @ low tides @ | | |14| G || sighn ov mutch @ | Thare aint bad luk in the | |15| M || weather @ sun in | whole world to ruin enny one | |16| T || @ apogee @ expekt | man, not if he will fite it out on | |17| W || frosts @ about @ | that line. | |18| T || @ theze days dont | | |19| F || plant onion seed @ | * * * * | |20| S || @ @ Sally Ann | | |21| G || Murdok died @ | A fanatick iz the wust man we | |22| M || @ @ @ kolder | hav to kontend with, reazon haz | |23| T || Sally Ann waz a @ | no effekt on him, and it iz agin | |24| W || weaver @ sighns ov | the law to klub him. | |25| T ||@ @ thaux Sally Ann | | |26| F || weavered yarns @ | | |27| S ||@ peace to our ashes | | |28| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_CHARITY._