Chapter I: THANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, (2)

Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don't hav too mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance.

Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrackshun.

When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at.

Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness.

The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence--he iz alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last.

Yu may make a mistake in a man's kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity.

Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt.

Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a coward's paradise.

Thare ain't ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness, but i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum.

A good naturd man haz got one ov them kind ov souls that will gro ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or indiffirent.

Human happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the most ov it kno it the least.

Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it makes them more kareful; but sutch men are skarse.

Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast.

The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do.

Human happiness iz like Joseph's coat--a thing of menny colors.

I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no heart, or the one who iz all heart and no hed.

Hope iz no flatterer--she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the best friend we have got.

Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit--God, man, and the devil.

An idle man iz always a bizzy one--he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do.

Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool.

Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew--thare are sum people who only edukate their vices.

Every man should kno sumthing ov law--if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer.

Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes before the man dies.

The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the world _one_ good example, worth at least a dozen precepts.

Rum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level.

* * * * *

About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poor _suffer_ misery, while the ritch hav tu _enjoy_ it.

The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.

There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.

Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if yu du, you'll find you've spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.

STRAY CHILDREN.

I dont think thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys.

Thare iz this diffrence at least, between _wit_ and _humor_, wit makes yu think, humor makes you laff.

I luv praze, but despise flattery.

I wouldn't giv a shilling a pound for religion that yu kant take ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a hoss race, if yu hav a mind tew, without losing it.

Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use tew ennyboddy, iz the privilege ov wild beasts.

The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz own way.

The very thing that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement.

A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, just in proportion tew hiz humility.

A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peakock, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like a peakock, in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, "and steals silently away."

When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed on.

Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs.

People who havn't got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew talk about.

Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would do _different_, but i hav never heard enny ov them propose to liv _better_.

It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world would git along very poorly, if it want for _us_, and if thare want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would think just so too.

The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are after all the prinsipal promoters ov industry.

Munny ain't akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as tew kreate them.

It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance.

Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift of God.

A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan learn tew be hansum.

One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses.

Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are sober.

Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not only eazier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you are abuv him.

Don't forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mortgage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to forclose and enter on the premises.

I hav made a kluss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess.

I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd.

Don't borry nor lend, but if you must do one, _lend_.

Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days.

He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, is the true hero.

Faith beats both wisdum and learning.

Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz ever yet been free from, and yet no man ever admits he iz possessed of them.

Take all the good luk out ov this world, and millionaires and heroes would be dredful skarse.

Genius, like the yung eagle, don't hav tew make enny trial trips, but when it iz full fledged, pushes boldly out, even towards the sun.

Fortune iz represented az blind, and thoze who receive most ov her favours _go it blind_.

If thare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn't be much wisdum, i suppoze.

It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy--to carry a hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew hav it put on our backs, a pound at a time, iz.

Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore-sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken.

Haven't yu ever seen a little child tri tew pik up four apples with its little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them? Men are konstantly trieing the same game, with the same kind ov suckcess.

One way tew define love iz, that it makes us pheal phunny and akt phoolish.

Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, takes its color from what it feeds on.

Silence makes but phew blunders, and thoze it kan easily korrekt.

Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts virtew for the protekshun it affords him.

The further advances a man makes in knowledge, the less satisfied he iz with what he knows.

Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov flattery.

My yung friend, don't forgit one thing--however cunning yu may be, the eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat iz yureself.

Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man's honesty, iz tew divide what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess at what's left.

The text which haz been most preached from by the human family iz vanity.

Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, and the old ones are the sillyest.

The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess.

Avarice eats up everything, even ekonemy.

Hope iz a blind guide, but whare will you find a better one?

I like a wide-awake christian, one whoze virtew has got some kayenne pepper in it.

Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny time.

I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world than real.

Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change ov heart, when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment.

I hav sumtimes thought that the man with menny vices, was safer than with one, for the menny vices often wear each other out, while the one wears the man out.

Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and thare iz a time to say _amen_, rool up yure sleeves and pitch in.

"_Reform! Reform!_" this iz too often the watchword ov mere charlatans.

Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their lives out.

Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew; i have seen men affekt the rake and the roue, whoze best holt waz the katekism.

It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor failings.

He who sues for suckcess don't git it so often az he who demands it.

Suckcess iz a coquet, and a bashful lover never wins her.

No woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could be a suckcessfull coquet.

Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, the supply is alwus regulated bi the demand.

If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew would go with it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are simply proud ov our various virtews.

Blood ain't nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells.

The things in this world that are the best done show the least sighns ov labour, yet they are the most diffikult to do; the reason ov this iz, bekauze they are so natral.

It iz eazy enuff, perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, esteem and respekt, in a man, but tew tell what we love ain't so eazy.

Amung the vast number ov phools in this world thare iz only a phew who are born so.

Accepting praize that iz not our due iz not mutch better than tew be a receiver of stolen goods.

Thoze who have once tasted the joys ov _Humility_ will tell yu that it iz the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held to their lips.

INK BRATS.

I thank Heaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this wide world a human, or inhuman being, that i would not rather help than hurt. I find this sentiment in mi conscience, or i wouldn't dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience better than enny boddy else duz.

Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeckshuns. Better lend yure _dollars_ to enny boddy than yure _dolors_. Silence iz venerable; if thare iz enny thing older than the Creator, it must hav bin silence.

The _buty_ ov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful az a prince, and the _power_ ov gratitude iz that "I thank you," makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze it never deserts us.

Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day.

Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers--the grate struggle iz tew git into the king row.

Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us; it iz the wust slavery thare iz.

How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without meaning enny thing; this i kall heat lightning.

I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing.

We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi conscience; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle.

The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound.

If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance?

Awl plezzures are lawful that don't end in making us feel sorry.

The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, humble when he communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys.

Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes.

Dutys are privileges.

Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protektion.

Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful uneazy tew take.

A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven.

Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philosopher, than tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, phatt, aud well disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieing tew smash a hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass.

Evry man kan boast ov one admirer.

If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire at their vices, not at the people; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug.

Life iz a punktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop.

No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got.

Don't giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it.

I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.

The man who wrote, "I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta," probably never had been urged sufficiently.

Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the same spot.

The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship.

It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suckcess, unless a man sets up for a phool--in this department, i hav known hundreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns.

I don't want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool than tew see him cultivate excentricitys.

The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter.

I have found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24.

Mankind loves misterys--a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in the heavans.

"Experience iz a good schoolmaster," but reason iz a better one.

A Pedant iz a lernt phool--pedantry iz a little knowledge on parade--pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it.

All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze religion differs.

Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks.

How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs.

Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing more than shrewdness--and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister to virtew.

Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners.

Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles.

If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Commandment, it would be this--_owe no man_.

Young ones and dogs?--thoze who are the least able to support them, generally hav the most ov them.

Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner.

People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to travel.

I don't beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.

Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg's tale--a very good kind ov kittle so long az it ain't our dorg's tale.

LIGHTNING BUGS.

Plezzures make folks _acquainted_ with each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make them _know_ each other.

It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when we hav grown old, and the best ones, the weakest.

Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.

Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallo.

Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled.

About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite.

Solitude iz the idleness ov natur.

Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle.

Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy.

A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee.

Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety.

No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace.

A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny strength to hiz tail.

Vanity iz the superstition ov pride.

Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don't intoxikate.

I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov exchange, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by general consent, provided it iz decently well executed.

I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake.

"_Beware ov the dog!_" also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking woman.

Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile.

A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven.

Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle.

If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare.

A man don't alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he grows wize.

The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet; thare iz plenty ov time yet.

A petted child iz like a bile that won't cum tew a hed.

Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pcock's tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail.

I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.

Cannon balls--are the bulbous plants ov Liberty.

Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder--windy folks will please make a note ov this.

Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain't no sich thing, nor hadn't ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world.

About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won't.

I hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil.

Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdower and an old bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty.

Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i should az soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for running aginst it.

An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee afterwards.

Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion.

Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don't hav mutch ov enny thing else.

Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.

I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail.

PARBOILS.

It is a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight.

Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness.

Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.

Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum.

Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont show their works in their face.

Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship.

About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace.

When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.

Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.

It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz.

7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.

Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center; and glance oph at that.

Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.

_Precept_, iz a buck saw, _experience_ the elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing.

Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only by sight.

Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and putting a slow match tew them.

"Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu." Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet.

If we would be happy in this world and in the world to cum, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and tommorow our first in eternity.

Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools; good breeding iz the luxury ov the wise.

Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed--if this is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable.

He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun.

It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven--what a waste of time and muscle!

Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove--this akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that they "kant serve God and mamon too," and so they serve mamon.

Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery.

A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter.

Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, trieing teu liv upon buty.

The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure principle back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it.

Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for the demand.

A good book iz like a good law.

Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker.

"Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.

A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.

We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.

Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty.

The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards--one hides hiz store and the other stores hiz hide.

Credit iz like chastity; they both ov them kan stand temptashun better than they kan suspicion.

NEST EGGS.

It iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too.

Good natur iz the daily bread ov life.

The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it.

Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools.

What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man.

It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches hiz nabors.

Vanity iz often mistaken for wit, but it iz no more like it than gravity iz like wisdum.

Thare iz this difference between a cunning man and a wize one--the cunning one looks thru a mikriskope, the wize one thru a teleskope. Vanity iz the chief ingredient in every human harte.

Yer will find it az kommon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes.

Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry about nothing.

One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Niagara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it.

Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak.

Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but hard enuff tew git out ov.

Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same time so agreeable az deference.

Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle.

Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew liv _by_ it, but yu kant liv _on_ it--hash will tell.

Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound.

The _history_ ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the _viktory_ iz to "never say die."

The way tew _Fame_ iz like klimbing a greast pole; thare aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don't pay.

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we _think_ for what we _know_; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around loose.

Ambishun iz like a tred wheel; it knows no limits; yu no sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin.

We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at others.

Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil.

It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz an empty bag.

Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it.

Children are like vines; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be it krooked or strate.

Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but tha cheapest; it kosts nothing, if you only think so.

Idleness, like industry, iz ketching.

The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun.

Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards.

A nickname will outlast all a man's deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent.

Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and durable.

Conshience iz our private sekretary.

The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber.

Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.

The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don't change works with each other.

A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill.

Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out.

A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns.

It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves.

The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy.

Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything.

The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long.

Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance.

Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain't mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor.

Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse.

CHICKEN FEED.

Thare iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and she iz--a setting hen.

Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health.

Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes the whole congregashun, he probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse.

Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one.

Truth iz the edict ov God.

The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at.

About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears.

Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed.

I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own.

A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others.

Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it.

Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe training duz on the pugilist--it reduces him tew his fighting waight.

Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it generally spiles the whole thing.

Affliktions are like the summers sun--they wilt for the purpuss ov ripening.

If yu want to find out a man's real disposishun, take him when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav got an angel.

The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dishonest he iz.

Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he never haz committed.

Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be knumb.

It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that requires grate argumentatiff ability.

Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one.

What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum.

He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a mule--for they will kick at a thing they dont expekt tew reach.

All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man.

Money iz like grain--it iz never so well invested az when it iz well sown.

A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat.

Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money disgracefull.

How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their gripes and grunts! Such people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house.

Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at the highest rates.

Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend that will stick to him thru thik and thin.

Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it.

Beauty iz the melody ov the features.

I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant.

Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will than ov the understanding.

It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man's tumestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be tew hiz reputashun.

I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, ov enny person history iz familiar with.

One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun iz tew see amung the masses a bekuming respekt and reverence for the aged.

Before yu undertaik tew change a man's politiks or religion, be sure yu hav got a better one to offer him.

Altho the world iz chuck full ov liars, thare iz but few men who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth.

No man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philosophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew liv on.

Tew be forgiven, weakens us; but tew forgiv others, weakens them.

I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time.

Great men are seldum intimate. They are too jealous to love or esteem each other.

HARD TACK.

I dont like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one.

Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.)

It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at onst, and bekum so suddenly virtewous that they freeze up stiff.

It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew differ.

Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity gits entire control ov a man's affairs, it runs the affairs and the man both into the ground.

Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys.

Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i dispize it.

Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold--klubs and spades for man.

I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fust man born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last one with the same kards.

The man who kan stand abuse kan generally stand prosperity. The only way tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a sword in the other.

If i could only praktiss az well az i kan preach, i would not thank a man tew warrent me in this world nor in the world tew cum.

The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.

Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party.

About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze sins.

Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle.

I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice.

I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exklamashun, "My God! my God! why hast thou forsaken me?"

I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal suffering--i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking.

Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys--even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun.

Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare alwus will be.

I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule--if a freak ov fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile and a haff off.

Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances.

Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money.

Tew work iz the grate law ov natur--if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two.

Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan't starched stiff enuff.

Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew ennyboddy in pertikular.

Things haz got so now, if a man stops, he iz a-going tew be run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun.

If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarys.

We speak ov "_falling in love_," without always thinking that it iz the only way tew git in love--we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tell _how_ or _why_.

One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew say _nothing_.

It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared.

Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters cum.

In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness.

The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own opinyun.

SOLLUM THOUGHTS.

The _fear_ ov God iz the philosphy ov religion; the _love_ ov God iz the charity of religion.

Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out.

Better leave yure child virtew than money; but this iz a sekret known only tew a few.

I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain't so.

About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average.

Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards.

A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a dogg's taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph.

If yu analize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain.

When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy.

We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight with them--I hav tried both ways, and recommend a successful dodge.

The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it.

The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them.

Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew take holt ov it tew a disadvantage.

The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be useful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy.

Whare religion iz a trade, morality iz a merchandize.

Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.

The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion.

Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers.

Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov "farewell benefit,"--"positively our last appearance."

Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt.

Jealousy don't pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don't want tew find, nor don't expekt to.

Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships.

I don't think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one--I don't think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds.

A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az they am.

Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but generally extended.

If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov him in Heaven.

Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed.

After all, there don't seem tew be but this diffrence between the wize men and the phools; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers.

Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav ov a stray dog.

Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware; the mule remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking.

Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don't, one good liar will pizen a whole country.

Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don't ketch them.

Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world--if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.

Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality; this iz one way that good hoss thiefs are made, a man leans over a fence all day, and imagines the hoss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuff, the fust dark night, the hoss does.

If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven's sake, chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest.

INK LINGS.

Truth iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them.

Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don't kare about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me.

Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds that chance.

Mi private opinyun about "abscence ov mind" is, that 9 times out ov 10, it iz abscence ov branes.

The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause the least suspekted.

Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore--enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.

It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity.

Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends--it makes us beleave we are better and happier than our nabors.

Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov advice will suit him the best.

Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for.

The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men.

The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule them.

We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree--both ov them are God's arkitekture.

How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess.

Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molassis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare.

Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground.

Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies.

The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz _Procrastination_, and he is still at large.

Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man's morality, and virtew.

White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages.

The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet people waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle.

The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias--this shows the power of truth and morality.

If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him--not so with a man.

One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best.

If you don't kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how.

Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it.

A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out.

I hav larn't one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do.

The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.

I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around.

A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.

I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.

Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.

I don't kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don't deserve.

Repentanse should be the effekt ov love--not fear.

The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz.

Things that we kant do wouldn't be ov enny use to us, if we could do them.

Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain't so amungst men.

A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either.

The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again.