Chapter VII: Front Matter (7)

They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp.

The female bird don't sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family.

They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well.

When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man's duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast.

Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the multiplikashun table all at once.

THE EAGLE.

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun without winking; they kan split the clouds with their flashing speed; they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight's blak space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thousand miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not.

Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing.

I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers.

NATRAL HISTORY.

It is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov the _Louse_, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to _say_ louse, or even _think_ louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The _louse_ is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful.

Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, "tew fight it out on the line" ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experience gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply.

Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.

Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn't lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.

I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot.

All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck.

Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class.

But all this iz remote from the louse.

The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose.

Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom.

I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other.

Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don't hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market.

But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain't spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.

The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.

They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel.

When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster's head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.

After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don't seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them.

Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i aktually _hate_, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply _dispize_ snaiks, _fear_ musketoze, _avoid_ fleas, don't _associate_ with the cockroach, _go around_ toads, _back out_ square for a hornet.

Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother's kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse--and, in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don't know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me.

KATS.

A kat iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square deth.

It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury.

I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.

If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter under a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, '_that kat_,' waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine.

Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats.

They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.

The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain't reliable; they are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust.

Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood-house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split.

THE HUM BUGG.

The most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg.

They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.

It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs--if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them.

The hum buggs don't generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.

They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging.

The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.

Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance.

They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever.

The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.

The Bible sez "the grasshopper iz a burden"--and i believe it--but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.

But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn't seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with.

Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.

I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot--i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don't let him bite the other cheek also.

Thare ain't enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing.

Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov.

Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.

If thare iz enny boddy who hain't never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn't feel any kind ov a bite.

If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs _couldn't_ bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan't a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet's, and always different from a dog's, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.

THE BUGG BEAR.

Natral History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz--the bugg bear.

The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatched by an imaginary process.

They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than the thing that casts it.

They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the _bugg_ and the _bear_, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug.

They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow.

I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they cum out ov.

They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the biggest when they are first born.

They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the philosophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them.

They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov deviltry az a jack lantern.

Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them.

THE GAME CHICKEN.

Lo, and behold the game rooster!

He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, with each feacher fastened in its place.

Hiz eye gleams in its socket like a soltaire on the queen's finger.

Hiz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak shines like the point ov a dagger.

When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the yung injuns fust whoop on the warpath. Hiz plumage gives back the sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden.

Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle.

Bring on the other rooster.

THE DUK.

The Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen.

When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with.

The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden.

Their foot iz like a small spider's web, only more substanshul bilt.

They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot.

They kan div in the water az handy az a hull frog, and never git water soaked.

Water won't stay quiet on a duk's back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill.

Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny spoon.

They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so mutch faster.

Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civilizashun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old wimmin.

Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks.

The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanously without enny order.

Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers.

They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers make a good, tuff bed.

A duk's feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on.

Men often call their wifes their "_dear duks_," this is on ackount ov their big bills.

The duk don't kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk.

They do a good deal ov quacking that don't amount tew mutch.

Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin told whi.

The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles; for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare iz on the outside ov an eg shel.

They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left.

Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards.

Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they couldn't eat themselfs oph from their feet.

Duks la eggs, but don't la them around loose.

Hunting duks' eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun.

A man couldn't earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks' eggs.

The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing.

They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz.

I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting.

I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov.

I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.

Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up.

Thare ain't no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a lame duk.

Yu often hear the term "_lame duk_" applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what it ment.

Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums from.

THE SANDY HILL CRANE.

The crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all theze things.

He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost.

He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over.

He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year's bird's nest.

He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs.

He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax.

When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a windmill, broke loose from its fastenings.

Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this date, just about equals the demand.

The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss.

I never hav et enny crane, nor don't mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out.

I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness--even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner.

I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn't never tell exackly what cumfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov mankind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job.

Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill iz.

Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog.

MORE SNAIKS.

THE RATTLESNAIX.

The rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.

They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur.

On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their name from.

Thare iz only one remidy for the bite ov a rattlesnaik that I kno ov, and that iz whisky.

I have seen a man that had bin bit bi one, drink three quarts ov whisky, and be sober enuff all the time tew jine the sons ov tempranse.

I hope I never shall be bit bi a rattlesnaix, not so mutch on ackount ov the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky.

I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at onst would keep me drunk forevermore.

The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog.

I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole without saying grace.

The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them.

THE HOOP SNAIK.

This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait.

Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz only a lie.

Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great wonder to me that they don't leave this world entirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show.

I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure chances.

The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too.

THE ANAKONDY.

The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off.

They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole village in their wrath.

The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives.

Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire.

THE GARTER SNAIX.

The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a gentlemen's leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee.

This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix.

I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov my legs; but then I am a nervous individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly.

I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like.

I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn't git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze.

But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith--a kind of inexplicable thing, indiskribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself.

Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter.

They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen.

THE EEL SNAIK.

The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food.

They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot.

They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie themselfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas.

I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook.

Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them.

I don't know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near enuff to suit me.

THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX.

The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet.

Thare ain't but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet.

The fust time he was seen waz off Nahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards.

He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral show.

This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log-hous.

He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin.

He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily support.

He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts.

He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour.

The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything if he would visit their shores, but he iz the _Grate Amerikan Snaix_, and don't hav tew leave home.

THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX.

This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey.

They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt's notiss.

They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied.

I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea-sik tew look at them.

I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper-hed and then lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung.

Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain.

I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous.

THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS.

THE BLUJAY.

The blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn and eat it on a rail.

They are a misterious bird, for I hav seen them solitary and alone in the wooded wilderness, one hundred miles from enny sighns ov civilizashun.

Az a means ov diet, they are just about az luxurious az a biled indigo bag would be, such az the washwimmin use tew blue their clothes with.

The blujay haz no song--they kant sing even "From Greenland's Icy Mountains;" but i must sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold winter's morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at.

It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but when i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie.

THE QUAIL.

The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly.

They hav no song, but whissell for musik; the tune iz solitary and sad.

They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithmetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he hain't studdied quail on the wing, he might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go.

Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a champane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi humble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and sumthing tew drink.

I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail by a friend, with judishious accompanyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi hed, and then smile sweet acquiescence--in other words, I always quail before such a request.

THE PATRIDGE.

The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen.

Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz.

It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be described and make enny boddy beleave it.

The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin born thare.

Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and Amboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent.

I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding's glue.

THE WOODKOK.

The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooked az a kork-skrew.

They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most delikate things.

They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices and tiny phood.

They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill pond.

The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a _whizz_, and the last thing a _whurr_.

How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a red-hot stove.

I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them yet.

They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers.

THE GUINA HEN.

The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger than the wild pigeon.

They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and alwas walk on the run.

They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so much on the sly, that they often kan't find them themselfs.

They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a half-biled krow.

They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself.

They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further they git oph.

They are more ornamental than uceful, but are chiefly good tew frighten away hawks.

They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it.

THE GOSLIN.

The goslin iz the old goose's yung child. They are yeller all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water.

They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew die natually.

If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth, I wouldn't believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose die.

The goose are different in one respekt from the human family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish.

I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he didn't look an hour older than one that waz 17.

The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends.

The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples, hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buckwheat kakes that are left over.

They ain't so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won't git mad and quit if they kan't hav wet toast and lam chops every morning for breakfast.

If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn't want enny better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i kouldn't suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi kalling.

Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside.

I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate up for sum more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak empty with plate, and tells yu, "Mister, the roast goslin iz no more."

SMALL-SIZED VERMIN.

THE GRUB.

The grub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, i never have saw a checkered grub so far.

I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub.

The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living.

They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew.

They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork.

They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver.

They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger az a tudstool.

Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan.

I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down behind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer.

I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be president ov the United States for the same length ov time.

Thare may not be az mutch ambishun in it, but thare iz a glory in it, az krazy, and az safe, az soda water.

It don't take mutch tew make me happy, but it will take more munny than enny man on this futtstool, haz got, tew buy out the little stock I alwuss keep on hand.

THE LADY BUG.

The lady bug iz the most genteel vermin in market.

They are spotted red and blak for color, are about the size ov a double B shot, and don't look unlike a drop ov red sealing wax.

They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and are wuss, and quicker, on kukumber vines, than a distrikt skoolmaster iz on a kittle ov warm pork and beans.

The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them in their hands and then sing to them the old nursery rime:

"Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home,
Your house is on fire, and your children will roam."

Let them go, and sure enough the lady bug duz put for home in a grate hurry.

The lady bug iz probably useful, but Webster's unabridged dont tell us for what.

Whenever i cum akros enny bug, that i dont know what they waz built for, i dont blame the bug.

I hav grate phaith in ennything that kreeps, krawls, or even wiggles, and tho i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about the usefulness ov bed bugs, musketoze, and striped snaix, i hav phaith that Divine Providence did not make them in vain.

Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order.

THE TREE-TUD.

Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi christian friends? If yu didn't, cum with me next July, and i will sho yu one.

Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physikally they aint.

They are about the size ov an old-fashioned 25 cent piece, a hed on one side ov them, and a tail on the other.

They are the only tuds that kan klimb with enny degree of alakrity, and are the only ones that kan sing like a tea-kittle when she is cooking water.

Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a phence, hav the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, and appearing exactly like the spot where they set.

I have often put mi hand on them in getting over a phence. They wont bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and kold az the yelk ov an egg.

The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles, but if they dont git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages.

A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with an ockashional drop ov dew to wet hiz song.

They kan outdiet any bug or jumping thing i kno ov.

THE PORKUPINE.

The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck.

They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf.

They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a chesnutt burr, or a case ov the hives.

It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers like a javelin, but this iz a smart falshood.

An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he would a phire brand, but yung dogs pitch into them like urchins into a sugar hogshed.

The konsequentz ov this iz they git their mouths philled with prickers, which are bearded, and kant bak out.

A porkupine's quill when it enters goes klean thru and cums out on the other side ov things. This iz a way they hav got.

The porkupine iz not bad vittles, their meat tastes like pork and beans with the beans left out.

They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew.

I hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling over on the fruit which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their prickers a dozen ov them.

I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny tew beleave it yet.

Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill, it may be only a hole in the ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will hold.

DEVIL'S DARNING NEEDLE.

This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a hornet, with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov proporshun tew hiz boddy az a pair ov oars are to a shell boat.

They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i waz a boy if one ov them cum and sot on the further end ov the log whare i waz a setting i alwus aroze and gave him the whole of the log.

They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and look az tho they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave there iz no more sting in them than thare iz in kold water.

All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man now who had rather enkounter a wild kat (provided the kat waz up in the top ov a tree and likely to stay thare) than tew intersect a devil's darning needle.

They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys and their devilish appearance generally. (See Webster's unabridged on this subjekt.)

{AFFURISMS.}

RAMRODS.

The higher up we git, the more we are watched--the rooster on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more importance, altho' he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard.

If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you.

Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody's barn.

I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk.

Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal.

A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided--it iz like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin.

All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end in viktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle, every time they meet.

Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us.

If a man iz full ov himself, don't tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust.

Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity.

The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own.

I don't think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too.

It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man's advice, than hiz example.

The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how purswasiv the wife iz--espeshily when she wants sumthing.

I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men hav sum karacter, but weak ones don't have enny.

I hav notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and diskreet folks we hav amungst us, are thoze who hav either no pashuns all, or verry tame ones--it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.

The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz a genius.

Virtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility.

Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on account ov their gravity.

He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on heaven.

Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt them, the more the flea.

Take the sellfishness out ov this world, and thare would be more happeness than we should kno what to do with.

When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy else, then we vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by calling him a "_poor devil_."

Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has its impostors.

It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the little pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness; the openly so are less dangerous than thoze who hav it under the skin.

When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, then we are in love in good arnest.

If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted.

Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the effekt ov interest az principle.

It don't show good judgment to be surprized at ennything in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncertainty.

Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew flattery; sum yu kan daub it on with a white-wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers.

Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with ours.

Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and humble before God.

Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our mortality, if nothing else will.

Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, but it iz the butt end ov it.

If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, vice would not be half so attraktive.

Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuff tew ketch a fox bi argument, we shouldn't hav to set a trap for him.

Prosperity makes us all honest.

Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz the father ov it.

A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he don't seem tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how he iz going to get out.

Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morning.

Everyboddy's friend should be noboddy's confidant.

Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us.

Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to apply.

Thare ain't but phew men who kan stick a white hankerchef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out--just bi acksident.

LOBSTIR SALLAD.

A slander iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust blo, yu better not strike at it.

Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs.

I make this distinkshun between _charakter_ and _reputashun_--reputashun iz what the world _thinks_ ov us, charakter iz what the world _knows_ ov us.

What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and quiet.

No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies.

Anxiety alwus steps on itself.

Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe.

Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy.

It takes branes tew make a _smart_ man, but good luck often makes a _famous_ one.

Opinyuns are like other vegetables, worth just what they will fetch.

I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder.

Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a wize man frisky.

I don't beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing in him to show that God made him.

I suppoze that one reazon whi the "road to ruin" iz broad, iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun.

I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else--for i think i like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy.

A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and then ain't good for nothing after it iz pricked.

A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius--if a man's genius lays in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one.

Vanity iz seldom malishous.

A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word.

Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blassted consarn--put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage--put an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing--put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it.

When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it, call him a phool.

Men mourn for what they hav lost--wimmin, for what they hain't got.

I judge ov a man's virtew entirely bi his phashions--it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.

Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity.

A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line.

Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn't well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings.

Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain't no human natur in a man's head.

Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest.

Beware ov the man with half-shut eyes--he ain't dreaming.

Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones.

Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply alwus exceeds the demand.

One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good listener.

Fools are the whet-stones ov society.

Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.

Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum.

Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, musn't forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a long time before they will forgit the world.

Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, nevertheless, to wit, verily, amen.

Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffing is only a weakness in phools.

I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show.

Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the "wimmins' rights bizzness," then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the procession.

Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to.

Praize that ain't deserved iz no better than slander.

There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural ones, the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool.

MOLLASSIS KANDY.

Thare iz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollassis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz alwus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it.

I don't kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.

Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan't hav but one, give me the abuse.

Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or sassy, and the reazon iz they are all ov them in pursuit ov munny, and only one out ov 10 gits it.

Next tew the man who iz wuth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man, who don't kare a kuss for it.

A reputashun for happiness needs az mutch watching az a reputashun for honesty.

When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all the ile run out at the bottom.

I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, "_the devil take the hindmost_."

Success don't konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one the seckond time.

He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it.

While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys.