Chapter I: THANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, (3)

In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav.

A dandy never yet fell in love--only with himself.

Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.

Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.

A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long.

We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg.

EMBERS ON THE HARTH.

The moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world and yet remains az chaste az ever.

Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth.

I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it.

We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look; if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz vessell.

The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps.

I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by acksident, not desighn.

What an unreal life most folks lead; they don't ever hav a genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence.

How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills.

_Mother!_--The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the name itself.

It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin.

Mankind ain't apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with, it iz what we don't know, or kant see, that we hanker for.

When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i always feel sorry--for the clothes.

I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az "Spiritual manafestashuns" az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and trickery.

Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adversity makes us trust in each other--the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, while in adversity we hav everything tew gain.

I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there are only two substitutes for it; one iz hipokrasy, and the other iz superstishun.

It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man "Kurnel," who may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal.

We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong.

Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other.

Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one.

I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word _no_ the hardest one in any language tew say.

Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik.

A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or edukashun.

Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure deviltrys tew men, but don't let them git a smell ov yure poverty--poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers.

Larning iz the only good substitute for experience.

I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don't belong tew enny boddy in partiklar; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov.

Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge.

Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the outside ov it, liable tew wash oph.

_Abstinence_ should be the exception, and _temperance_ the rule.

If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself.

One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so.

A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right for a hitching post.

Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book.

Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond and avarice the third, and last.

Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes.

Deference iz silent flattery.

The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold.

The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az the flattery is.

"_Happy as a king_," iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to.

If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize.

Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good hoss sense tew know how tew apply it.

Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs.

Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at.

Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy.

About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young.

There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller's sister.

HOT KORN.

Thare iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in _Gin_, but kussid little judgment.

A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun.

What iz the chief end ov man? To foot hiz wife's bills and foot the man who insults her.

A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old man is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating.

A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don't kare how well he kan do it, ain't a permanent suckcess.

After all i don't kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays mutch better than being a natral born phool.

A literary reputashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and when once lost iz lost forever.

Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully.

If a man haz got a good reputashun he better git it insured, for they are dredful risky.

Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a man's karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz.

It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don't possess.

Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain't seen one yet.

Solomon remarked "that thare want ennything nu under the sun," and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it.

I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand.

Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers.

Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par.

Watching one's helth all the time iz like watching the weather--a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all.

We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it.

Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, without knowing it.

A flatterer iz a common enemy.

If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship.

He that won't listen, kan't learn; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song.

Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about.

Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes.

_Manner_ iz a grate deal more attraktive than _matter_--espeshily in a monkey.

Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz truly courageous.

When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git.

The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur.

Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the humble ones are the wust.

The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, _not in the ideas_.

I don't beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will add to a man's wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will only hunt enuff for it.

All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most so, have the least sense.

To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows great strength ov character.

Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliberately defame yu.

It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv.

I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than thare iz from principle.

Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed upon.

Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way they manage tew _enjoy_ menny sorrows that never really happen tew them.

Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov virtew haz.

I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling.

The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man better.

Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who suffer from ennui.

In bible times, when Balem's ass spoke, it waz a mirakle; but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are the gratest talkers.

Thare iz quite a difference between a _lu_minous and a _vo_luminous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two.

Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the most reddy tew tell others how tew do it.

I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book.

If yu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs.

It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest evidence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suckcess.

Admire beauty, but don't worship it.

Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when they are kaught they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylliest looking fox yu ever see.

Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov.

We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing.

It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter.

Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don't simper amung arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning them.

FOUNDLINGS.

He that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it.

It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it.

Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it.

The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole.

I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than trust too mutch in the professions ov men.

Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy.

It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends, and their mad begins.

Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole.

A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to boss others.

The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our virtews, just az a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a jewel.

Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure.

If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make him beg out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him.

Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval ov our own conscience.

Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no disgrace to be bit by a dog.

Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot.

Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got, and what we haint got.

We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with them.

Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz heart must be full ov pitty.

I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into weather-cocks.

If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well satisfied with evrybody else.

"Blessed are the meek and lowly" (and very lucky, too, if they don't git their noze pulled.)

If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one.

One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids, waiting on one sick bachelor.

If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each other.

I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band theze words, in large letters: "Lead us not into temtashun."

I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from whare they waz--it iz jist so with bad-luck.

Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her.

The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint got the stamps to buy.

Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves her.

Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are permanantly ridiklous.

I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home.

Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waistbands.

DRIED FRUIT.

When a rooster crows, he crows all over.

A _poor, but dishonest cuss_ iz about az low down az enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too.

Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway.

The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy.

Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus speaks it.

It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rattle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik.

Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don't pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it.

I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in a saw mill, and then "let her rip."

Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav mutch left tew do bizzness with.

When we say, "such a man haz bowels ov mercy," do we mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater?

Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess.

Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success; sum folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun.

Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error; ignorance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted; ignorance stands still and error only moves to run agin a post.

Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars in return.

There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains.

The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two.

REMNANTS.

Customs are like grease--they make ennything slip eazy.

Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted--a blush iz one ov them.

Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz.

If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn't mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither.

Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz ignorance.

The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it.

The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants.

Natur makes all the noblemen--wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never made one yet.

When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it--if i dont, I ought to.

If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but he kan never be in the wrong.

Grate talkers are generally grate liars, for men who talk so mutch must sooner or later, run out ov the truth, and tell what they dont kno.

I dont bet thare iz enny sich thing az a perfektly good man, or a perfekly bad man.

I kno ov enny quantity ov people whose virtews are at the mercy ov other folks, who are good simply for the reputashun ov it, who haven't got enny more real appetite tew their conscience than a klam haz.

I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not--if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.

Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amung the heathen, they all of them cook a missionary in the same way.

One grate reazon whi "Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew travel," iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself.

Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist bekauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare.

Every man makes hiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree iz a clear conscience.

To be a gentleman,--git ritch, and keep a hoss and buggy.

Virtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds noze.

The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss amung hiz equals.

After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a square deth.

Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz got ov it till he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift.

I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy praizes wants cluss watching.

Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse.

Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub.

Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, and the number who kno how tew receive them iz less.

The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to know "_whats going on!_" and the next strongest, iz tew boss the job.

Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in this world so grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or an injury.

Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and that iz the conscience.

Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick--i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon.

REMARKS.

When a man hain't got enny thing to say, then iz a good time tew keep still,--thare iz but few people who hav missed a good opportunity tew ventilate their opiniyuns.

Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church piety creeps out ov the other.

Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in others.

Pride iz az universal az hair on the hed--sum are proud ov their virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither themselves, brag on other people's.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

An industrious man iz seldom a bad man.

Men will believe their pashuns quicker than they will their consciences, and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and their consciences alwus right.

It ain't mutch truble tew bear the pain or sum boddy else's lame back, but tew hav the lame back oneself ain't so stylish.

Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors,--pipe to her, and she may dance to you.

Take all the _interest_ out ov this world, and there wouldn't be _friendship_ enuff left for seed.

Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are anxious to hav sumboddy help us carry them.

I hav seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure the sight ov a peacock, with his tale on parade.

The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness.

If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it az I would a suit ov clothes,--'_ov suitable texture and a perfect fit_.'

Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill natur.

The greater the man, the less hiz virteus appear, and the larger hiz faults.

The man who hain't got an enemy, iz really poor.

Don't mistake _vivacity_ for _wit_, thare iz just az mutch diffrence as thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug.

No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substituting sum invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job ov it.

Religion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, and each man and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion than I am.

Lovers feed upon mysteries, but after they are married, and the pork and beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew test the real qualitys ov their appetights.

An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be our turn next.

I don't kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us up more thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified.

Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and obstinacy in the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, and the other iz the strength ov a little one.

Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky.

I think a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with gloves on.

I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a young prude.

Misanthropy don't pay--thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for.

Rash men ken be korrekted, but it dont pay to labour with a phool.

The man who haz never enjoyed the plezzure ov being forgiven, haz missed one ov the greatest luxurys ov life.

I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it, than a ewe lamb, frisking on the green.

When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with immense deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont amount to ennything, I write him down "misterious phool."

The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, "Whats trumps."

Love iz a weakness,--but it iz the same kind ov a weakness that repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our natures.

A man iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy.

Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites.

We kan endure vices in the young that we should despise in the old--(pleaze make a note ov this old phellows).

Friendship iz like earthenware, if it iz broken it kan be mended, but love iz like a mirror, once broken, that ends it.

I dont kno ov enny thing on the face ov this earth more remorseless, than 7 per cent interest.

Thare iz a grate deal ov difference between enduring misfortunes because we expekt to, and enduring them bekauze we are obliged to, one iz pashunce, and the other iz mere sullenness.

When i see an old man marry a young wife, i consider him starting out on a bust, for I am reminded ov the parable in the Bible, about new wine, and old bottles.

SAWS.

Thar iz no limit tew the vanity of this world, each spoke in the wheel thinks the whole strength ov the wheel depends upon it.

The only claim enny man kan have upon the world, after he haz left it, iz for good examples.

Thare iz just az mutch difference between precept and example, az thare iz between a horn that blows a noize, and one that blows a tune.

Thare seems tew be a propriety in all things; late experiments in New York city, have proved, that religion in a rat pit iz a failure. Grate examples are no excuse for iniquity. Our Saviour thought so when he sed: "Git thee behind me, Satan."

Sin in the soul iz like a sliver in the flesh, mortification iz the natral way tew git rid ov it.

The man who dont praktiss what he preaches, iz no better than the rattlesnaik, who warns, and then strikes.

Fortune haz but little power over those who are not her suitors.

Man by natur luvs sosiety, and the more he luvs it, the more natral virtews he possesses--the most vicious amung the animals are thoze who liv the most sekluded.

Beware ov false friends,--yure dog wont desert yu when yure munny iz gone.

One reazon whi friendships are so transhient, is bekauze we so often mistake a companyun for a friend.

To know how to think, iz one ov the sciences.

Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew hav enny pitty to spare,--if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year.

The thinking men outliv the labouring men.

The owl iz remarkable for hiz gravity, and also for his stupidity.

Flattery iz like mollassis, a very little of it tastes sweet tew a wize man, and a good deal of it, tastes sweet tew a phool.

Politeness subsists upon politeness.

I like a hornet for one thing, they always attend tew their own bizzness, and wont let enny boddy else attend tew it.

Fools are alwus a looking ahead tew get wisdum, wize men look back.

It iz the eazyest thing in the world tew make a blunder, and the hardest thing tew own it.

I deskribe a kiss, az the time, and spot, whare affeckshun cums tew the surface.

Man waz kreated a little lower than the angels, but while an infant, he fell one day out ov hiz kradle, and hain't struk bottom yet.

If a man iz very anxious tew kultivate a good opinyun ov human natur, he mustn't know too mutch ov it.

A phool iz not necessarily a man without enny sense, but one without the right kind ov sense.

When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime.

Excellence in enny direction iz rare--even good clowns are skarse.

Love generally changes coquettry to sense, and prudery to sillyness.

It iz only a step from cunning tew dishonesty, and it iz a step that a man iz liable at ennytime tew take.

Old age haz its priviliges--one iz tew find fault with everything.

_Weak_ and _wicked_ are the two worst things that ennyboddy can be charged with.

He who iz willing tew trust everyboddy, iz willing tew be cheated by everyboddy.

Whenever yu find a man, with an excentricity ov enny kind, which he brags ov, yu kan put that man down az a "_beat_," and charge it tew mi account.

A wise man iz never less alone than when alone.

A man may mistake hiz tallents, but he kant mistake hiz genius.

Tallent must hav memory, genius don't require it.

I don't beleave thare iz a human being on the face ov the earth, nor an angel in heaven, who are posatively proof against temptashun.

When a man measures out glory for himself he alwus heaps the half bushel.

A bile ain't a very sore thing after all, espeshily when it iz on sum other phellow.

Pretty much all the philosophy in this world iz kontained in the following bracket--[_grin and bear it._]

I don't kno whitch haz done the most damage in this world, lazyness or malice, but i guess lazyness has.

If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubtful" and the other 3 "Useless."

Rumor iz like a swarm ov bees, the more yu fite them the less yu git rid ov them.

Virtew may konsist in never sinning, but the glory ov virtew konsists in repentance.

Fashion makes phools ov sum, sinners ov others, and slaves ov all.

A jest may be kruel, but a joke never iz.

I never bet: not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, az bekauze i am afrade i shall win.

A phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy.

I don't think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached yet, altho menny hav made a good try for it.

The reason whi all the works ov nature are so impressive, iz bekauze, they represent ideas.

The books which summer tourists carry about with them are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the branes.

The man whoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak man; I had rather be able tew milk a cow suckcessfully, on the wrong side, than to be such a man.

* * * * *

Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, struggling with a mustach.

REMARKS.

Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger.

It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool.

I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff.

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I beleave in suggar coated pills.--I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and chissell.

The pure don't grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus.

Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages.

Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it.

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool.

Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.

Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time than we uze.

That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their _grate descent_ iz jist what's the matter ov them.

We are told "that an honest man is the noblest _work_ ov God"--but the demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands.

I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin _thare_; I hav notised that this kind never git _thare_.

Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole--but other folks kan.

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is boring in the rong plase.

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.

God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn't get a livin.

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.

The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else.

NOSEGAYS.

The man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, iz either a phool, or a knave, i dont kno which.

If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the bottom.

As spunky people az i hav ever known have been az arrant kowards.

I had mutch rather _alwuss_ look forward tew the time, when i am going tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak _once_ tew the time when i used to do it.

A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessary to run the soshul masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch cerimony on hand, that they have tew be formaly introduced every time they meet at an evening meeting, i think that they hav wore the flesh all oph from cerimony.

When i cum akrost people who are perfektly krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, "that kritter was brought up in a windmill."

The majority ov the world are like rats, they live upon plunder and forsake a sinking ship.

Punktuality is one grate element ov sukcess.

A watch that dont keep korrekt time is wuss than no watch at all.

Grate powers are useful only az they are made serviceable--the value ov a hoss depends upon hiz being well broke.

Too mutch branes iz rather a hindrance than a help to a simply bizzness man.

A praktikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare may be phun in it, but the one that falls kant alwus see it.

The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz a nearer road to it allmost az sure--reading and reflekshun.

He who reads and don't reflekt, iz like the one who eats and don't exercise.

The best reformers the world haz ever seen are thoze who commense on themselfs.

He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a dollar, while he who forsakes it pays one hundred.

The more a person hunts for the mote in hiz brother's eye the plainer he will diskover--if he iz a man ov sense--the beam in his own.

People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion than they are a pruning-hook.

Religion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew the prevailing fashun.

It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz tew appear so, and it pays better.

Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though they do not honor her she iz their gratest safeguard.

The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won't defend ennything.

Whi iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our reach.

Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty iz always an evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a consciousness ov evil.

Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in this world that are undeserved.

Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare iz more people waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz aware ov.

The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro _different_ not _worse_. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the terms.

A wicked man iz no kompany for himselfs.

All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most.

It iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man's wealth, for he that alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with less iz ritch.

We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves; the unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate.

Pride and poverty hav travelled together now for about 5 thousand years, and pretend to luv each other, but they kant phool ennyboddy but themselfs.

Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too lazy to inform themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds.

A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply than he will hiz strong ones.

If men were stubborn just in proporshun az they waz right, stubborness would take her seat among the virtews, but men are generally stubborn just in proporshun az they are ignorant and wrong.

Genius after all ain't ennything more than elegant kommon sense.

Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz komposed entirely ov _dignity_, and nothing else.

We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, whi kant we hav sum who will teach the art ov listening pashuntly.

A skeptik iz one who knows too mutch to be a good phool, and too little to be wise.

Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and whare it will go we don't enny ov us seem tew kno.

Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, they are like hornets, they mean _sting_.

When a man ov _larning_ talks he makes us wonder, but a wize man makes us think.

It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit for sosiety, and thoze who are not fit for sosiety are certainly unfit for solitude.

A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for the sake ov letting the light shine thru the kracks.

Style in writing iz like style in dress--a good fit.

How menny suspishus people one meets in this world. If their nozes waz stuffed with kotton wool they would smell sum kind ov a rat.

Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on each other, but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for they set traps for their viktims, and dont even bait the traps.

What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees' nests.

People worth noticing should never forgit that everything they say and do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally true that the good things are generally forgot, but the bad ones never.

I phully apreshiate the proverb, "that speech iz silver, but silence iz golden," but i must say that sum ov the most diskreet and dignified phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze who never ventured an opinyun on enny subjekt.

What iz happier tew meet than a good temper? It iz like the sun bi day and the soft harvest moon bi nite.

Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and haff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.

Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an insult tew them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well ask a dog tew take the krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gentleman.

Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a life-preserver--only put on at the moment ov extreme danger, and put on then, haff the time, hind side before.

With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin engage in, thare iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world--we are all ov us slaves to sumthing.

I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.

Pedigree may be valuabel for a man, but i notiss it ain't wuth mutch for a hoss: for the fust question that iz asked, iz: "What can he go out and show?"

I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and ten possessed ov the welth that he had got rongfully.

Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtewous life kasts.

Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense--two ov the gratest warriors time haz ever produced.

Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekauze he lived in a tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew liv in; wealth could not flatter him, nor could poverty make him afrade.

It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, az it duz tew tell the truth.

Vanity iz the most jealous disseaze; i hav saw men so vain that they kouldn't look with kompozure upon a peakok spreading hiz appendix tew the morning sun.

Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez or duz.

The man who thinks "he kant do it," iz alwuss more than haff right.

One ov the hardest things tew learn a child, iz tew tell the truth, but it should be done, if--death ensues.

SHOOTING STARS.

Most people are like an egg, too phull ov themselfs to hold enny thing else.

Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz a natral reservoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpt up.

"Misery luvs kompany," but kant bear kompetishun, thare aint no boddy but what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in markit.

A reputashun for honor once lost, iz lost forever.

Men who kno the least, alwus argy the most.

A crowing hen, and a kakling rooster, are the poorest kind ov poultry.

To be a big man amung big men, iz what proves a man's karakter--to be a bul frog amung tadpoles, dont amount to mutch.

What a blessed thing it iz that we kant "see ourselfs az others see us,"--the sight would take all the starch out ov us.

Thare iz lots ov pholks in this wurld who kan keep nine out ov ten ov the commandments, without enny trubble at all, but the one that iz left they kant keep the small end ov.

I never question a suckcess, enny more than i do the right ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.

To wake up from a sweet sleep, iz tew be born agin.

Expektashun iz the child ov Hope, and like its parent iz an arogant brat.

Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than _most_ men, but yu aint more cunning than _all_ men.

Excentricitys are most alwus artyfishall, and the best that kan be sed ov them iz, they are quite az often the result ov diffidence az ov vanity.

If i want tew git at the trew karakter ov a man, i studdy hiz vices more than i do hiz virtews.

Faith wont make a man virtewous, but it makes what virtew he haz got red hot. Those who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, must keep their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time skimming the surface.

It don't do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels.

Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an ockashional moment ov sadness.

The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm.

_Manner_ iz far more attraktive than _matter_--monkeys are watched clusser than eagles are.

Jelous people alwus luv themselfs more than they do thoze whom they are jelous ov.

Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes--men dig for woodchucks more for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks.

The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the world haz ever seen, or ever will see, hav bin the virtewous heathen.

Men don't fall so often in this world from a want ov right motives, az they do from lack ov grip.

Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enny blunders, and they are _yu_ and _me_, mi friend.

Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, they prefer to work for nothing, and board themselfs.

Yung man, yu kant learn ennything bi hearing yureself talk, but yu may possibly by hearing others.

Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the proprietys ov life, but thare are menny people who, if they aint propper, ain't nothing.

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan blo up like a bladder, and then kik them az high az yu pleze.

I hav alwus notissed one thing, that when a cunning man burns hiz fingers every boddy hollers for joy.

Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends tew see them in their hours ov relaxashun.

I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this way: A man ov tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig's tale, but it takes a man of genius tew make the tale.

I kant tell now whether a goose stands on one leg so mutch to rest the leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick man would tell me all about this.

Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr. John Smith will appear at Booth's Theater az Othello, or whether Othello will appear az Mr. John Smith.

I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the world.

Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon what they hain't got az the only things worth having.

Thare iz thoze who kant laff with impunity; if they aint stiff and sollum they aint nothing.

A fu branes in a man's hed are az noizy az shot in a blown up bladder.

One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 men ov tallent iz just about the rite perporshun for aktual bizzness.

I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite onto me.

Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they were tempted, and then they kerflumixt immediately.

Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish.

I hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn whenever i kan, even if i git histed higher than a kite for it.

I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness.

He who really deserves friends alwus finds them.

Thare is "menny a slip between a cup and lip," but not haff az menny az thare ought tew be.

The two most important words in enny languarge are the shortest--"Yes" and "No."

One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the present time iz "Old Probabilitiz;" he iz an ornament and honor tew hiz sex.

Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more jealousy than men.

Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10.

In whipping a yung one, yu don't never ought tew stop untill yu git klean thru.

I dont never hav enny trubble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.

Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think.

{MONOGRAFFS.}

THE INTERVIEWER.

I pitty the poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him.

I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a living, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse.

The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo.

He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunt for a human beefstake.

He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug.

He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things.

Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out.

They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog.

Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned _quid nunk_ and the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both.

Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they will hang around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow.

The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so.

They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekauze yu are haff afrade they will.

Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an adept in hiz calling, he dont require enny more tenderness than an undertaker duz.

Yu kan git rid ov a hornet by brakeing his nek, yu kan outrun a blak snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers around yu, and if he don't bight, he sings, which is the wusstest ov the two.