Chapter I: THANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, (8)

Now Skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye.

Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary.

Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth.

Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis.

The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin.

Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly.

Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with dreams.

Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil.

If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy elekshun, and then sell yure principles tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square.

Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the gove nor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.

FEMALE REMARKS.

Dear Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband?

This is a pumper, and y u are not required tew say "Yes" out loud, but are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto the earth, az tho yu waz looking for a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory, with a kind ov draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and all, off from the half shell.

Not tew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn in the flesh, we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look-out for sumthing in the male line tew boost yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew keep hiz eye on the britching when yu begin tew go down the other side of the mountain. Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot yure fewter hussband:

1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which yu git from sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are married tu him, luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu will diskover, has changed into indifference. Jellousy isn't a heart-diseaze; it is a liver-komplaint.

2. A mustash is not indispensible; it iz only a little more hair, and iz a good deal like moss and other excressences--often duz the best on sile that won't raize ennything else. Don't forgit that thoze things which yu admire in a phellow before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in a hussband after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after a long time.

3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, two-thirds ov them would probably be returned; but thare don't seem tew be enny law for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu git a man, yu hav got tew keep him, even if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got enny kold vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will take sum more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cums will wash well.

4. Don't marry a pheller who iz alwus a-telling how hiz mother duz things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz tew wean a yung one.

5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and kant hear a fish-horn playing in the street without turning a back summersett on account ov the musick that iz in him, i say, skip him; he might answer tew tend babe, but if yu sett him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will find that yu hav got tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick (and not very hefty at that), ain't no better for a husband than a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. But don't marry enny boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker than yu would flop a man for jist one fault.

6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be an old maid successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and made a bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems tew look upon old maids jist az they do upon dried harbs--in the garret, handy for sickness--and, tharefore, girls, it aint a mistake that yu should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one; but don't swop for enny man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father iz. You had better be an old maid for 4 thousand years, and then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn't git either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband.

7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging grows harder the further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform yu who not tew marry, than who tew, for the reason thare iz more ov them.

I don't think yu will foller mi advise, if i giv it; and, tharefore, i will keep it; for i look upon advise as i do upon castor ile--a mean dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take.

But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find a bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty az sassy az a child looks upon wealth--who had rather sit down on the curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch, than tew go inside, and run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick--one who iz armed with that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi advise is tew take him boddy and soul--snare him at onst, for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our waters.

Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a tree.

PRIVATE OPINYUNS.

Mi private opinyun iz--that politeness iz about the only profeshion ov humans that i endorse without looking into.

Mi private opinyun iz--that the man who cheats me, iz a good deal mi inferior.

Mi private opinyun of _Fame_ iz--that it konsists in being praized wrongfully while yu liv, and being damd inkorektly when yu are ded, and the very best it kan do for enny man, iz tew make him respektably forgotten.

Mi private opinyun iz--that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, all the wuss for being cracked.

Mi private opinyun iz--that manufaktring phun for other pholks amusement, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy bizzness.

Mi private opinyun iz--that originality in writing waz played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a man.

Mi private opinyun iz--that the most that learning kan do for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno.

Mi private opinyun ov civilashun iz--that it alwus ends in luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The barbarians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredful sorry for this, but i kant help it.

Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz--that they are moraly hybrid, and i guess they are other ways too.

Mi private opinyun iz--that when a man haint got enny thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it.

My private opinyun iz--that sum men did aktually spring from the monkey, and didn't hav fur tew spring neither.

Mi private opinyun ov _Rum_ iz--that the man who sells it to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman--the hiwayman demands yure munny or yure life--the rumseller demands both.

Mi private opinyun ov "_Wimmin's Rites_" iz--that natur haz fixt them jist about _rite_, and natur never underlets a kontrakt, nor baks out ov a posishun.

Mi private opinyun iz--that humorous lektures kan never be a suckcess, for two reasons--one iz, bekauze most people look upon the men who makes them laff az vastly inferior to them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer in the _Atlantik Monthly_ sez so.

My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz--that it iz like sider drawn from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the kask. Thoze who at last enter Heaven may find the outer walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont find enny on the inside.

Mi private opinyun iz--that virtew iz better than gold, but i also hav bin told that 10 dollars in gold will go farther towards bilding a church, or a hoss ralerode, than all the piety ov Moses.

Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz--that it is like a setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as whare thare iz.

Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz--that without enny experience at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to-morrow.

Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz--that az a rekreashun, it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizzness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood.

Mi private opinyun iz--that the man who mistakes a surly temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his next one.

Mi private opinyun iz--that a young man oftner neglekts hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry.

Mi private opinyun iz--that adversity and temtashun are the very best kind ov tests ov virtew.

Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz--that the gimblet kind iz the most sarching.

Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz--that it iz like Joner's gourd, it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a day.

Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav sarched iz--from fair to midling.

Mi private opinyun ov a braggart iz--that he iz a sheep in wolf's clothing.

Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest anxiety iz tew have their propriety tempted.

My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed in dieing an old maid, they don't deserve all the punishment they receive.

Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that she iz a natral brick, and she iz a phool just in proporshun that she don't kno it.

Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz, that they seldum stop short ov their mishun, but are fully equal tew the ockashun.

Mi private opinynn ov boys iz, if i hadn't been one once miself, and a tuff one at that, i should feel like sending the whole ov them, for life, to Botany Bay.

Mi private opinyun ov girls iz, the same az it waz 40 years ago, when i fust phell in luv with one ov them.

Mi private opinyun ov the mass ov mankind iz, that they hav got more branes in their hearts than they hav in their heds, and i ain't sorry for it neither.

Mi private opinyun iz, that politeness haz won more sudden viktorys than logick haz.

Mi private opinyun ov molassis iz, that while it iz dreadful sweet, it iz dreadful sticky too.

Mi private opinyun ov dogs iz, that their affeckshun ought almost tew make them immortal.

Mi private opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot ought tew hav owned the fust one, and the last one too.

My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known tew hit enny thing he kouldn't reach, but iz alwus reddy tew try it.

Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both eyes on mi nabor I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on me.

My private opinyun iz that here iz a good place tew halt, and i am a big phool if i don't halt.

A SUGGESTSHUN.

The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan az dew iz to the grass.

Hot kakes and kaughphy, kodphish bawls, and hash are useful, but the morning paper iz vittles and drink.

An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not more than haff edukated for that day; he goes tew hiz bizzness haff-doubtful and haff-ashamed ov himself; he iz afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az a man in a strange land who don't understand the language.

Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumthing.

There iz lots ov pholks who git all their larning out ov the morning papers, and when they hav 2 collums ov it laid in they are az phatt with usephull knowledge az the sekretary ov a sowing sosiety.

They go round az glib az a boy's windmill in a good breeze; they ain't afraid to button-hole ennybody and talk incessintly tew the boy on the korner while he shines up hiz shuze.

The man who hain't red the morning paper, and the man who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz got two.

I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the mountain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old hoss out tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him.

This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so.

But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him tew begin the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old toper.

ON COURTING.

Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul.

The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals.

Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow.

I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs.

Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver.

Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch.

If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square if yu don't sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it.

Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.

Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm--for the strength ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't git a good hustband, the falt won't be in the courting.

Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent.

LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS.

Ebenezer Smith haz sold out hiz tannrey at Pordunk hollow, and bout a house on 5th avenew.

The lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid) will be brought to the alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant Dennis O'Tool.

Proffessor Norris haz just returned from the north pole, and reports the size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at the base, and 94 feet hi. He also brought back with him a pair ov web footed duks.

The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit tew the Miss Sinbads, ov Lexington avenew--lovely creatures all ov them.

Mocking birds' tongues on toast will be on the bills ov fare, this summer, at the Kontinental Hotel, Long Branch.

The Rev. Namby Pamby asked for a 4 thousand dollar hoist in his salary, or dismissal. The congregashun voted unanimus to let him went. (Bully for the kongregashun.)

Mrs. Ulrich Nikodemus haz changed the hour ov her resepshuns from haff past 2 o'klok P. M., on Wensdays, to a quarter of 3 on the same day, a change ov 15 minnits. Exchange papers will pleaze coppy.

Obadiah Bunkum sold hiz hameltonian pup Jerry, last week, tew Richards, the jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dollars, reserving the collar. This iz spoken ov az so mutch ov a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup market tew its center.

It it sed (but not offishall) that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dauter, Betsy Punchinello, iz sed tew be affianced tew the Baron Von Chaulk, and the family will enter seklushun on this account.

Dick Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibus on a 50 cent driver ov the 23 street line ov stages.

Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ov the Sanco Panza breed, and offers 40 dollars "for hiz uncerimonious return." ("Uncerimonious return" iz kussid good.)

Rum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, is being revived among the hi toned cirkles. One man in Nu Jersey haz drove all the musketoze oph from a thousand akers ov land, and planted the whole ov the land with rum and tanzy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in bitters that may be looked for.

Jaw Bone Bill a selebrated brave ov the Ninkumpoop tribe ov injuns, on the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit apart bi a grizzly bear. Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the occashun, but the bear lived in grate agony for 4 daze, when deth put an end tew hiz sufferings.

Miss Rosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not affianced tew a prominent Wall street broker, and will giv 5 dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.)

G. W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for Josh Billings, entitled "Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen Consolashun." (This iz a kussid no sich thing.--J. B.)

The cirkulashun ov the NEW YORK WEEKLY haz allready reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same old tune, "_Excelsior_."

The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov "_snob place_," will hav a klam bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, "_Goose Nook_," to whitch the Van Doodles are invited. (Doubtful.)

Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a sucking colt, ov the Hambletonian breed, which lately followed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckonds the best mile made yet by enny sucker.

Report sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee Brown, nee Jones, nee Beckwith, nee Smith, nee McPherson, nee Miss Angeline Spraker--5 times a widder, will soon lead tew the alter Walter Roundout, Esq., (Good bye, Walter.)

On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.

On _ditto_, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a failure, and that starvashun must foller.

On dittimus, that George Washington Vinegar will spend sum time this year at the 5th avenew hotel.

New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union.

It iz stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one injun, and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thousand dollars; _but_, the moral results are sed tew be heavy. (Let the good work go on.)

Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. The nu color iz chestnut sorrel--the old color waz dapple grey.

We are authorized tew state that Mr. Alanthus haz just returned from the state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy tew receive proposals.

A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates "that thare haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood."

We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. and Mrs. Jibboom; their respektibility iz now fully established, they having appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band and sum yeller brass buttons.

The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.

Matilda O'Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karacter, will receive proposals at her residence, in Albany street.

No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady, provided suitable references are given! Lessons on the pianno will be accepted insted ov the usual presents expekted from the family.

Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergurson. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had waccinashun.

JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE.

The velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, placed consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the other wheel behind the fust one.

They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from east to west, and have already reached the shores of the Pacifick oshun.

They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun.

They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and in fifty years from now, will be the only means of lokomoshun, known to man.

The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle the question, in what manner they shall occupy them.

Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy both sides ov the velosipead at once, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at once, similar to the anshunt custom ov occupying the noble animal, the hoss.

It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the "wimmins' right committee," and that nothing, ov a one sided natur, should be allowed tew hinder a woman from filling her destiny.

I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair competishun between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az medisin, _and may the best man win_.

It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see the ladies divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance ov prices, and morals, which are now at work in the world, nobody but a darn phool, or a foggy, would object tew it--if we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world, we hav all ov us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things.

I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the velosipead, and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk.

The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory gravitations, ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov attraction, preserves the moshun ov the velosipead within its proper and natural revolushun.

Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in science; the philosophers are az well acquainted with it az they are with the 10 commandments, and perhaps better.

There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am looking anxiously forward to, and that iz, to learn to stand still till you mount them.

Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into ov lying down on their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still.

I hav seen the nobel animal, the hoss, when they wanted to git rid ov their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and kick up their heels. This iz a trick which the velosipead haz stole from the hoss without giving him credit for it.

If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosipead iz purely a crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, and iz produced the same way, that the scizzor grinder stirs up his masheen.

I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could be made out of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening razors, and carving knives, and thus bekum a means ov grace, az well az buty, but this would take the poetry all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov usefulness.

If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at sumthing useful, it bekums inelegant to onst.

The moshun ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov the leggs--or rather, the action ov the pedal extremetys, the word _leggs_ iz altogether too obscene for every man to use, who ever expekts tew run for the legislatur, or be caught in the sosiety ov refined people.

This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who understands that "velosipeads" iz manufakterd out ov two forrin words, "_veloss_" and "_pedoss_," which vulgarily means "_lively leggs_," but politely means, "_pedal swiftness_."

If a man don't understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly enjoy the conversashun ov a hod carrier.

The velosipead iz not a modern discovery; long before the days of Adam, and Eve, they waz in use.

The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and history tells us ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and traveled all over the Olympian country.

I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze had two handles, which protruded out behind, and were propelled by a shove moshun.

Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are called "wheelbarrows," or sumthing that sounds like that.

This is all i kno now about the velosipeads.

THE RASE KOARSE.

Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!

Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses.

I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys.

The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples.

I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast.

The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in.

I asked a gentleman present, who ced he was a reporter for "The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the place definitely waz, and ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst.

Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mixed natur, i santered down tu where the rase koarse waz.

THE TRACK.

I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun.

The judge's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.

THE HOSSES.

Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss, about 10 days ago.

Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game.

I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed.

I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan."

The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur.

Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp."

FUST HEAT.

The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time.

The gra mare waz druv bi "Dave Larkin," and the hoss was handled bi "Ligh Turner."

Tha trotted sublimely, az cluss az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite, like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits.

Now the kontest becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and "Ligh" yelled--on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer--tha make the last turn tew onst--tha look like a dubble team--the exsitement grows more intensely--the crowd sways to and fro--the ox cart trembles--tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz ahed!--no, the hoss iz ahed! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox kart--the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking 2 seckunds.

REMARKS.

The hosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children.

Each party are sanguinary ov suckces.

The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red hoss.

At this junkture the gentleman, reporter for the Young man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse.

SECKUND HEAT.

The hosses both sho signs ov distress.

The gra mare's ears hang down the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on the ground.

Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together.

Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle ahed.

The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30.

On the bak stretch, "Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour "Dave" cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash.

The hoss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground.

Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits, "Juise Harp" winning, bi a quarter ov a mile.

Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur Flats."

I immejiately started on foot for "Jamaka Rum four corners," bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun ov the kuntry in a fu dais.

BILLINGS LEXICON.

Blush--The cream ov modesty.

Ginger-pop--Gimnastik water.

Man--Live dirt.

Friends--Books, paintings, and stuft birds.

Bashfullnes--Ignorance afraid.

Conservatism--A bag with a hole to it.

Radicalism--A hole with a bag to it.

Aristocrat--A demokrat with hiz pockets filled.

Politicks--The apology ov plunder.

Tin watch--Faith without works.

Mule--A bad pun on a horce.

Patience--Faith waiting for a nibble.

Sparking--Picking buds oph from the bush.

Malice--A blind mule kicking by guess.

Eternal--God's epitaff.

Care--Cat pizen.

Faith--The soul riding anchor.

Bliss--Happiness bileing over and running down both sides ov the pot.

Marriage--An alter on whitch man lays hiz pocketbook and woman her luv letters.

Quack--A doktor whoze science lays in hiz bill.

Hash--A boarding-hous confidence game.

Fuss--An old hen with one chicken.

Twins--2 mutch.

Boarding-School--A place whare wry coffee and flirtashun iz taught.

Experiment--Energy out ov a job.

Perfection--God in man.

Virtue--That ingredient whitch needs no foil, and without whitch nothing else iz valuabel.

Solitude--A good place tew visit, but a poor place tew stay.

Sloth--Life in a tomb.

Health--A call loan.

Memory--The shadow that the soul casts.

Politeness--Sixty day paper.

Poverty--The only birthright that a man kant lose.

Accidents--The dismay ov phools, the wize man's barometer.

Ease--Discounted time.

Wealth--Baggage at the risk ov the owner.

Trials--Whetstuns.

Fortune--The aggregate ov possibilitys; a goddess whom cowards count by stealth, but whom brave men take by storm.

Economy--A fust mortgage on wealth.

Enough--Jist a leetle more.

Dignity--Wisdum in tights.

Mischief--The maliss ov fun.

Cook--One who manufakters appetights.

Diseases--The whipping posts and branding irons ov luxury.

Drunkenness--Shame lost and shame found.

Cowardice--Pluck on ice.

Glutton--A man with a drunken appetight.

Examples--Foot prints in the wilderness.

Nunnery--Piety in chains.

Ignorance--Raw happiness.

Sin--A natral distemper, for which virtew haz bin discovered to be an antidote.

Friendship--One ov love's pimps.

Envy--A disease original with Cain, but which hiz brother Abel afterward caught, and died suddenly ov.

Belle--A female boss ov the situation.

Fancy--The flirtashun ov truth.

Sarcasm--An undertaker in tears.

Sulks--Deff and dum madness.

Courting--A hugg and kiss match, generally a drawn game.

Fiction--A lie with holiday clothes on.

Hen--A lay member.

Law--The shackels ov liberty.

Science--The literature ov truth.

Deceit--A ded wasp with a live tail.

Babys--Dividend.

Miser--A wretch who haz dug out hiz heart tew sto away hiz munny in.

Misfortunes--A band ov vagrants, who liv on what they kan steal.

Spirituolist--A curb stone broker, who sells exchange on Ben Franklin & Co.

Inheritance--Second-hand goods, other people's leavings.

Ironclads--Vessels ov wrath.

Grave Yard--A small patch ov land, cultivated by the dead, lieing between time and eternity.

Lap Dogs--A nucleus for affeckshun out ov a job.

Society--Burning on an alter natral rights, and then sacredly watching over the ashes.

Jealousy--Self love.

Stingyness--The bran ov economy.

Buck Saw--An instrument ov torture.

Bragadocio--One who pulls hiz own courage by the noze.

Anxiety--Milking a kicking heifer with one hand, and holding her by the tail with the other.

Swearing--The metalic currency ov loafers.

Judicious Benevolence--The brains ov the heart.

Blue Jay--The fop ov the forest.

Policy--"Honesty iz the best policy," but policy iz not alwus the best honesty.

Bachelor--The hero ov a cot bedstead.

Club Houses--Whare the hen-pecked go tew sware, and smooth out their feathers.

Lie--The cowardice ov truth.

Skunk--An athletick animal, stronger than an elephant.

OWLY.

Here we have a batch of immaculate truths from the "Owl Club."

After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and approved, each "Owl," as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook out his feathers, and story-telling commenced, the President leading off as usual.

"I never can hear of a man's gitting his head broke," said the President, "but I call to mind the wonderful accident that occured at Austin, Texas, twenty years ago.

"A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full speed into town, and striking against the sharp edge of a potash kettle, which lay beside the road, his head was split down to his collar-bone, each half hanging over his shoulders like a pair ov epaulettes.

"This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skillful treatment, and was elected county judge afterward on the strength of this accident."

"A very good story, and undoubtedly true," said the Vice-President "Owl," "but I don't think it quite so miraculous as the different escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a clerk on one of the Mississippi steamboats, has passed safely through.

"His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hurricane.

"As she was passing Natches, on a down trip, she blew up, and filled the air with every kind of fragments.

"Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, and there being a strong wind at the time, he was carried over onto the center of the city, and fell through the roof of a jewelry store.

"After passing down through three stories of the building, he struck on his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the concern, who demanded five hundred dollars for the damages done to his building.

"'I can't pay so much money,' said Joe, 'but i will give you two hundred and fifty, _and I have often settled for this price before_.'"

"Bully for Joe French," said one of the "Owls." "But let me tell you a little story about an attorney by the name of Gersh' Buckley, who practiced law at Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago.

"Gersh had a case, in the county court, which he lost, and in settling with his client was charged by the other attorney with taking less than the customary fees.

"Gersh plead quietly to the charge. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, '_I done all in my power to sustain the honor of the profession, I took all the money the man had_.'"

At this point, one of the "Owls," more noted for his gravity than any of the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be heard, as follows:

"Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circumstance which occurred on the lower Mississippi, in the year 1840. I had been down to New Orleans and was on my return, having taken passage on the fast side-wheel steamer, Fanny Birch.

"Twenty-five miles up the river we overtook the Memphis Belle, an opposition boat, just leaving a woodyard. Rosin and pine was soon the order ov exercises, and both boats were quickly side by side in a close-contested race.

"Suddenly word was passed along the boat, 'Man overboard!'

"The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man had paid his passage.

"'Yes!' shouted the clerk.

"'Then go ahead on her, engineer!' was the captain's order."

"Owl" number five plumed his feathers and opened his short but silvery-toned beak, as follows:

"Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was thrown from a horse and taken up insensible. As he lay on a stretcher near the judges' stand many wagers were made among the sporting fraternity present, upon his death or recovery.

"A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the gamblers interposed, for, they said, it would seriously _affect the fairness of the bets_."

"I don't believe that story," said "Owl" Number Six: "but here is one which has been in our family for over forty years, and we all know it to be true:

"An old gentleman--who, by the way, was almost entirely deaf, had brought a suit against one of his neighbors, claiming certain damages. The case was one which the justice thought ought not to go to a jury, but should be settled between the parties. He therefore instructed the attorney to ask the old gentleman what he would take to settle the suit. The lawyer, putting his mouth near the deaf man's ear, said, in a loud tone:

"'The court wants to know what you will take.'

"Turning his eye blandly toward the judge's bench, the old gentleman replied:

"'Thank the squire for me, and tell him I will take a leetle Santy Cruise rum without sugar.'"

"Owl" Number Seven, looking uncommon wise, got off the following:

"Two shad fishermen got into a dispute lately about a fish net, which they both laid claim to, and, as the war of words was reaching its hight, a son of one of the beligerents coming upon the scene, cried out to his venerable parent:

"'Old man, don't let him git the start of you--_call him a thief and a liar first_.'"

"That puts me in mind," said the next "_Owl_," of a story, not at all similar, but more funny I think, than the one we have just listened to.

"Over in Jersey, an honest old Dutchman, who followed gardening for a living, had been to the neighboring town to do a little trading at the stores, and having taken his wife with him, both ov them got _unco_ tight.

"On their way home the old woman fell, out of the wagon, as they were crossing a salt meadow, and was not missed untill the old gent reached home. The neighbors going back to search for the missing wife, found her stuck fast in the mud of the marsh, and talking in a maudlin manner, to the rising tide which had risen up, and just began to play about her lips. '_Not another drop, hot, nor cold; not another drop, will I take._'"

OWLET.*

PORDUNK VILLAGE.

Stranger! hav yu ever been to Pordunk Village, my natiff place?

It iz a dear little lulaby ov a place, sleeping between two small mountains, in the State of Pennsylvania.

It kontains about 1000 souls now, and is watered by goose crik, whitch meanders thru the village az crooked and az lazy az a skool boy, on hiz way tew the distrikt skool hous.

I waz born here, and the ground on whitch the old hous stood, iz thare yet. Mi ancesters are all here too, but they hav retired from bizzness, and are taking their eaze, in the old graveyard ov the little one story church.

The red painted tavern, whare years ago, the townsfolks gathered in, on Saturday nights, to wet their whistles, and brag on their bush beans, and other gardin sass, iz gone, and departed.

And Roger Williams, where iz he?

Roger waz the village blacksmith, and could out argy the parson, on a bit ov skripture, hiz anvil iz still, and he now livs in his new house, with the rest of the old people, just back ov the little one story church.

Whare iz Square Watkins, the justiss of the peace? he knu law, and the stattews, just az eazy az he did the 10 commands, hiz little old offiss, for 50 years unpainted, iz now no more.

No one ov hiz name iz left, he and Roger the blacksmith, lay side by side, just back ov the little one story church, az still az deth kan make them.

Sue Dunham, the crazy woman, I don't see her! Poor Sue, she waz not alwus welkum, but no one turned her away, a night's lodgeing no one refused, she was even butiful still, when i waz a boy, but i shrunk from the flash ov her misterious eye.

The old folks knu her story, it waz that sad one, so often told, and so soon forgotten, a mans perfidy.

Sue Dunham raves no more, but in the farther korner, just bak ov the little one story church, whare the ded lay the thikest, lays Sue.

A weep in willow, sown bi aksident, hangs over her grave, and on her hed stone, theze words, almost knawed away bi time, kan be made out, "Sue Dunham, aged 59."

Parson Powell, who led hiz flok bi the side ov still waters who wet with hallowed drops at christnings, who jined in wedlok, and who asked God to take the departing ones, I miss him too; peacefully he sleeps, just bak ov the little one story church.

Deakon Tucker, who sold sugar bi the pound, and mollassis bi the pint, who delt in whale ile, and bar sope, who kept raizen and razor straps, who could mezzure a yard ov kotton, ov kaliko, tew a thred, and who, 4th ov Julys, sold 3 fire krackers, tew us boys, for a penny, what haz bekum ov the deakon?

Years ago, he fled, not far away, but cluss up tew the back wall ov the little one story church, near to Parson Powell.

An odd phellow waz Ez Farnham, and withal az keen at a trade az a hornet, Them that swopped hosses with Ez once, didn't hanker tew do it again, he waz honest, but oh! how fatal tew dicker. No one now, in the whole village remember him, he haz gone whare they don't giv, nor git boot, they put him in the halfaker, just bak ov the little one story church.

Job Pierson iz ded too, and so is Job's wife, and all ov Job's sons, and dauters.

I go up, and I go down, the good old village of Pordunk, the people all stare at me, az i stop _here_ and stop _thare_, to say tew miself, "here it waz that Lige Turner, threw Dave Larkins, 40 years ago, in a wrassle on the village green, and thare stood the old town pump."

"Here old Beverly, the barber, shaved for three cents a shave, and thare, Burbanks haff soled boots for a quarter."

"Here--let me see! was it here? Yes Old Mother Benneway sold taffy here, each stick at least 8 inches long, and made out of Deakon Tuckers best Porto Rico molassis."

"Thare stood the little red skool hous, right thare, it waz the forks ov a road then, it is the korner of a block now.

"Who kan tell me whare Daniel Purdy the skool master lives now, no one! I hav asked a dozen, but no one remember Daniel Purdy.

"It iz a sad thing tew be a skoolmaster, no one ever seems tew kno whare they go when yu miss them. They just seem to depart that's all. I never knu one tew die, and be buried."

Ah, it iz pleasant!--it is sad, to go bak tew the village of Pordunk, thare is more people now thare, than there waz when i waz a boy, but how different are they,--or how different am I.

The old trees are the same, man kant alter them, goose krik runs jist whare it did, with willows in all ov its elbows, the mountains each side haven't grown enny smaller, the birds sing the same songs, but i don't kno enny one that i meet, and what is more lonesome, no one that i meet knows me.

When i go tew Pordunk, and want tew see enny boddy that I remember, i go down the main street to the fust korner, just whare Joel Parker once lived, then i turn tew the left, and keep on for a ways, till i cum tew the little one story church.

Just bak ov that they are all living now. They don't remember me when i go thare, but I remember them. It won't be very long now before I shall jine them.

{ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.}

4 LETTERS.

_Mister Brown._--In haste, dear sur, I repli tew yure letter thusly:

Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which they yield is balmy, but looses much of its melloness unless played upon bi a bull frog. I hav listened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp, and wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi soul like a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite bully for one ov her sex. Sum people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog.

If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik.

Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig like laffing ov the fife, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones.

I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull frogs will set under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a Jews harp.

If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin.

_Mister Bates._--The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch them the oftenest, and hang onto them the most. It aint always a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat.

Bob tailed rats hav ceased tew be a curiosity to me long ago.

Once i should hav looked upon a bob-tailed rat with mingled pheelings ov pitty, and suprise, but them daze hav fled from me, i look upon a bob-tailed rat now, as a cluss bizzness transackshun.

Rats are one ov the far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildernes, and i wouldn't if i waz they.

Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in the wainscote.

Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep a phamily in rats for years.

Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up.