Chapter I: THANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, (5)

I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus git at the solid kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by himself.

THE LIMBER MAN.

The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber specimint ov humanity, who kant tell himself how fur he kan stretch without breaking.

He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies bak sumtimes tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in such a bad place that he kant be mended agin.

Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to manage az a greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, yu find them pizon slippery.

Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they kant even tell themselfs what they are going tew do next.

When a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like a blind mule, when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare.

Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be better if they did, for a still phool iz one ov the safest people we hav.

THE JOLLY MAN.

Jolly men are most alwus good men.

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for good natur.

I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows who were az treacherous in their joy az a kat iz.

Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat purrs the most, she haz just thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry.

I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity.

When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happy and kareless tew be vicious.

I hav seen people who could laff long and loud, but thare was no more good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena when they imitate the wail of an infant.

'Tis true we kant alwuss tell about theze things, but if we watch a man all summer, and hang around him all winter, when spring cums agin we ought tew be able tew guess whether the laff that iz in him iz the aroma ov hiz good natur, or iz only the aroma ov the hikkups.

THE PEWTER MAN.

The pewter man takes hiz name from the old-fashioned pewter spoon, made out ov cheap material, impossible tew keep bright long, eazy tew take impreshuns from almost enny thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz tew a bogus haff dollar.

Puter men are mighty common here on earth, not only kommon bekauze they are plenty, but kommon bekauze they don't amount tew mutch.

They ain't exactly phools; if they was, we could deskribe them better.

They are like bass wood punkin seeds, and white oak whetstuns, in a well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew keep up the assortment.

They never do enny thing verry good or verry bad, and go thru life a good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green-apple time, jist bekauze he haz got to.

THE FITEING MAN.

The fiteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw on him like a wolf trap that haz just been sprung.

He haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and an ugly pug noze.

Hiz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul another human being, able tew take it in return, and not kno it.

All hiz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calls it dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt.

Hiz grate ambishun in life iz tew win a phew bloody fights, and then end hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with hiz name and infamy hung up in gilt letters over hiz bar.

He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never fought a battle yet in which he did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable him tew outwit hiz adversary.

THE PRECISE MAN.

The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, and meazzures just 36 inches tew the yard.

He iz more partiklar about being _just so_, then he iz about being right.

Hiz blunders, if he ever makes enny, are all kronik, and kant be kured.

He iz most alwus what we kall a virtewous man at heart, but thare iz no logik kan make him alter hiz mind.

He iz az exact in hiz way az a kompass.

He knows the year, the month, the day ov the week, and sumtimes the very hour that enny important event took place.

He kan tell yu the exact age ov every old maid in the naborhood, and kan rekollekt distinkly ov hearing hiz grate-grandfather tell what sort ov a kloud it waz that the lightning cum out ov that struck the steeple ov the Presbeterian church, and knoked the weathercock on it into the shape ov a cocked hat.

The precise man iz a mere bundle ov fakts, figures, and trifling incidents, which are ov the utmost importance tew him, but not ov mutch use tew ennyboddy else.

He iz just about az mutch consequentz whare he livs az a last year's Farmers' Allminax.

He is az _set_ in hiz ways az an old goose trieing tew hatch out a glass egg.

COQUETT AND PRUDE.

Menny essays hav bin writ on the natur ov woman, setting forth her aspirashuns, her genius, her impulses, the delikate mechanicks ov her pashuns, the aroma ov her heart, the soft leading strings ov her dispisishun, the cast iron fortitude ov her resolves, and the lurid glare ov her love and her hate.

I hav read menny ov these, only tew be more solid in mi long cultivated opinyun, that woman and her character in the lump, iz like the ranebo in the East, butiful beyond language, full ov promis and impossible tew paint.

In mi philosophy, rude and untutored, i call woman the lesser light, the moon, gentle as an angel, stealing softly along the buzzum ov the skey on an errand ov love, light for the hour ov darkness, pashunt watcher while the world sleeps, queen ov the night, jeweled with stars.

I compare woman to a vine full ov tendrils, which can't reach perfection without a pole to climb, and then often mounting far above the pole.

Man i call the sun, filling the earth with phrenzy, woman the moon, that chastens the twilight, and steals through the lattice to play on the hearth-stone.

Each one haz their sphear, and the loss ov either would be the blotting out ov the sun, or the moon.

Each one haz their appointment, which should not be changed.

When the moon gits between the earth and the sun, then we alwus have an eclipse. I beleave that a kind Providence, the arktekt ov men, monkeys and things, haz given me and mi wife two paths to travell, side by side, and both ending at the same goal.

Sum think that the lives ov the sexes are a mere competition, that what one iz both may be, i shall beleave this when the roze bush bears butternuts and the thistle sheds perfume.

Amung charakteristicks so butiful, it would be strange if we shouldn't find a variety, sum even that are unlovely, for perfeckshun don't inhabit this world, not even in the disguize ov a woman.

Thare is two patches in the paradise ov the female garden, that is devoted to the culture of two funny, and very contrary vegatables, one is lokated in the south east corner of the heart, and the other at the northern, or frigid end.

The southern crop is coquetry, and the northern one is prudery.

Sumtimes these patches are cultivated more assidiously, to the neglekt ov awl the rest, and form the staple crop of the heart.

Coquetry is the cussidness ov an artful pashun, that feels its oats just enuff to want to kick up all the time, and don't seem to care who gits hurt.

It lays in wait, in its butiful wrought net, like a spider for its viktim, and seems to take more fun in ketching a fly, than in keeping him.

A coquett is a good deal like a rare bush, in the springtime of life it is full of flowers, and in the fall, full of thorns.

Thare are sum blossoms that are fore-runners of fruit, but the fragrant glory of a coquett is not of this breed.

This pashun iz like avarice, it eats up all the other good ones, and spends its old age, racked with the horrors of an ill digestion. Coquetts are generally long lived, faded emblems of viktorys without honour, mournful az a cypruss, chanting their own dirges.

Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the hearts gardens raized at the north end ov it, prudes, and coquets, are the extremes of the same pashuns, and the philosophers tell us, that "extremes meet." A prude skorns tew make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she kant, she hates a man with her love.

A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give the prude buty, and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest prudes the world ever saw, are the old, and battle worn coquets, who are too decrepid to take the field.

Coquets, and prudes, ought tew be compelled to hunt in couples, so that when the coquet haz wounded the game, the prude kan nuss the dieing viktim.

But prudes and coquetts never agree; two ov a trade seldom do. Both ov these pashuns are disgusting, and the old age ov both iz bitterness.

Prudery iz the remorse ov cunning that haz been foiled; and coquettry seems to be the abandon ov art and buty.

Prudes owe mutch ov their success to their inability to find enny temptashuns, and coquetts are made more viscious by flatterys.

But a true woman dont cultivate neither ov these patches in her heart; the ever elegant perceptions ov her instincts teaches her not to take up the sword ov the coquett, nor the remorseless pruning-hook of the prude.

It seems to me, the more that I gaze at it, that a prude iz nothing more than a coquett gone to seed.

I would rather be a coquett than a prude; thare iz some fun in it--thare is viktory in it; while prudery, at best, iz only a defeat in an inglorious cauze.

Coquetts sumtimes git marrid, but they are az hard to tame az a patridge, and aint worth enny more after they are tamed, besides being a heap more jealous than a mother-in-law to their daughters; while a prude, for a wife, iz but the bluest kind ov a school-marm at home on a furlough.

In conclusion, I would say, in all kindness, to the coquetts, that they seldom hav but one fust-class man in their nets; all that they bag afterward are of the same breed az themselves; and to the prudes I would suggest that wimmin are growing more plenty every year, and that thare are but few ov them, who insist upon it, that will pay the wear and tear ov a humiliating and laborious siege.

FOLKS WE ALL KNO.

THE EFFEMINATE MAN.

The effeminate man is a weak poultiss.

He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out ov the bottle over night.

He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled with dandylions.

He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub--a kitten in pantylets--a sick monkey with a blonde mustash.

He is a vine without enny tendrills--a fly drowned in sweet ile--a paper kite in a ded calm.

He lives as the butterflise do--noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button without enny button-hole.

He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's grasshopper.

He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.

He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on the ground.

THE JEALOUS MAN.

The _Jealous Man_ iz alwus a-hunting.

He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.

Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable.

Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness--dreadful sick and kan't vomit.

THE ANONYMOUS MAN.

The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps.

He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.

He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.

He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.

He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.

He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.

THE STIFF MAN.

The _Stiff Man_ looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.

He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.

He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage.

I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.

This kind ov _stiff man_ iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap.

Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.

Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this country.

The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in him.

Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at what they ain't afraid ov.

_Stiff man_ had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able tew git limber sinse.

THE MODEL MAN.

The _Model Man_ never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; reads the PHUNNY PHELLOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with the cream on the milk pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in seazon; attends everyboddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further trubble.

The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day duz.

He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; but he will git hiz reward hereafter--when the birds get theirs.

THE NEAT PERSON.

Neatness, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in kontackt with it.

When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.

I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi soup.

Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin.

If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.

They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles.

They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very regularly laid out, but not planted yet.

If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.

OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS--TWO OF THEM.

JOHN BASCOMB.

John Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Raccoon county, State ov Iowa.

He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 33 feet oph.

He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent him 10 dollars teu buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with.

He fit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize in the late melee, and sez he won't take sass now from enny man living.

He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die for hiz religion.

He waz konverted 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-shell iz the tuffist religion thare iz for every day wear. He sez that one hard shell baptiss ken do more hard work on the same vittles during a hot day than 15 episkopalites.

He haz alwus used plug tobbako from a child, and sez he lernt how teu cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud.

He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, and sez that no other licker is helthy. He thinks 3 horns a day iz enuff for helth.

He haz alwus voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 170 years, and walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to vote for Jim Buchanan.

He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin's rite convenshun.

His gratest desire, he tells me, iz teu see Gen. Jackson, and sez that he shall go next year down teu Tennesee teu see him.

He fatted a hog last year, with hiz own hands, that weighed 636 pounds after it waz drest and well dried out. He iz very cheerful, and sez he won 7 dollars on the weight ov this hog, out ov one ov the deakons ov the hard-shell church. He deklares this teu be one ov the proudest acksidents ov hiz life, for the deakon waz known far and near az a tite kuss.

He tells me that for 90 years he haz went teu bed at just 17 minnits after 9, and haz arozen at precisely 5 o'clock the next day.

The fust thing he duz in the morning iz teu take a short drink, about 2 inches, and then for an hour before brekfasst he reads the allmanax. (_I will here state that it iz "Josh Billings' Farmers' Almanax" that he reads._)

I asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and milk az a fertilizer. He pronounsed it bogus, and sed that the good old hard-shell drink, _whiskey unadorned_, waz the only speerits that never went bak on a man.

Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast he generally et four slices ov psalt pork, 3 biled pertatoze, a couple ov sassagis, 5 hot bisskit, a dozen ov hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye coffe, a small plate ov slapjax, sum phew pickles, and cold cabbage and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from yesterday's dinner.

Hiz dinner waz alwus a lite one, and he seldum et ennything but sum biled mutton, sum korned beef, sum kold ham, and sum injun puddin tew top oph with.

Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov kold psalt pork, kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, once in a grate while, a phew slices ov kold ham, with mustard and hoss reddish.

I examined hiz hed and found that he had all the usual bumps in a remarkable state ov preservashun.

He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled me Yankee Doodle, with variashuns.

He waz born a shumaker, but hasn't done ennything at the trade for the last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, but just now he iz teething, which he tells me iz hiz 7th sett.

He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and sez he used teu hear hiz grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov men sumwhare down on the coast ov Florida, who had sum little ov the kaudle appendix still remaining.

On the subjekt ov marriage hiz hed seems teu be ded level. He sed "that he had been married 15 times, and proposed again teu Hannah Campbell, a lady in the naberhood, who waz 28 years old."

I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining the lady's hand, and he sed "it lay between him and one Theodorus Whitney, a travelling korn doctor," and added "if Whitney didn't look out he would enlarge his head for him."

Upon mi asking him what he attributed his immense life and vigor to, he sed, in a klear and distinkt voice:

"To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard shell doktering, and voting unanimously the demokratik ticket."

I thankt him very mutch for the informashun he had given me ov himself, and asked him if he had enny objekshun to mi putting it into print, and he manifested a great desire that i should do so, not forgetting teu make special menshun ov what he had sed about enlarging Whitney's hed for him, for he thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood.

I left John Bascomb after a deliteful visit ov four hours, and thought over teu miself, if thare waz enny two rules for long life that had been thus far diskovered that waz alike.

The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could cum akrost Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how he managed.

ELIZIBETH MEACHEM.

Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township whare she resides) iz one ov the rarest gems ov extenuated mortality that has ever been mi blessed luk teu enkounter.

She iz not so old az Bascomb bi about two years, being only about 194 years old. Next to Lot's wife she iz the best preserved woman the world kontains.

I reached her place ov residence early in the morning, and in one minnit after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a phull hed ov steam on, and for 3 hours it run like a stream ov quicksilver down an inklined plain.

I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov them did she answer, but kept talking all the time faster than Pochahontas kan pace down hill teu saddle.

Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply bekauze she couldn't die without cutting short one ov her storys.

I asked her teu show me her tounge--I wanted to see if that member waz badly worn; but she couldn't stop it long enuff teu sho it.

This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny partikular habit.

She haz outlived every boddy she haz kum akrost, so far, by out-talking them.

The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood ov her language with, waz the fashions; but this waz a subjekt upon whitch i unfortunately wan't mutch.

As a last hope ov drawing her out upon sum fakts az teu her mode ov life, i tutched upon that all-absorbing topick teu both old and yung--i refer now teu matrimony.

Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, teu use her own words, "waz too lazy teu talk, or teu listen while she talked, and so he died."

Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor listener, and, tharefore, he died.

Her third husband waz a deff and dum man, and, az she remarked, "either he or she had got teu die, and the man died."

Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died early.

In this way she went on deskribing her husbands, 12 in all.

Az i roze teu depart i sed teu her sollemly:

"ELIZABETH MEACHEM, yu hav been mutch marrid, and mutch an inkosolate widder--at what time ov life do yu think the marrid state ceazes teu be preferable?"

She replied:

"Yu must ask sumboddy older than i am."

{MISSELLANEOUS.}

GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874.

That i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum body else's expense.

That i wont borry nor lend--espeshily lend.

That i will liv within mi inkum, if i hav tew git trusted tew do it.

That i will be polite tew evry boddy, except muskeeters and bed-bugs.

That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov advise they are anxious tew follow.

That i wont wear enny more tite boots, if i hav tew go barefoot tew do it.

That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a one-tined fork.

That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless i kan swop two for one.

That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, unless he happens tew be blue.

That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath.

That i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 shillings a gallon.

That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing in disguise.

That i will take mi whisky hereafter straight--straight tew the gutter.

That the world owes me a living--provided i earn it.

That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az he will stick tew me.

That i wont swop enny hosses with a deakon.

That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long az politeness kontinues tew be az cheap az it iz now.

That i wont hav enny religious kreed miself, but will respekt every boddy else's.

That if lovely woman smaks me on one cheek, i will turn her the other also.

That if a man kalls me a phool, i wont ask him to prove it.

That i will lead a moral life, even if i lose a good deal ov phun by it. That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will beleave what he sez without trieing it.

That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with him, for it iz a tuff bizness tew looze a goose.

That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall insist upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking phund.

That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it the seckond time.

That it iz just az natral tew be born ritch az poor, but it iz seldum so convenient.

That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the bak ov a 60 day note.

That the best time tew repent ov a blunder iz just before the blunder is made.

That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi darn luk tew miss it.

That i won't grow enny kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed the bissness.

That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money i kan earn tew do it.

That i beleave real good lies are gitting skarser and skarser every day.

That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i kan respekt myself in doing it.

That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won't envy him, but i will pity the ansestors.

That i wont beleave in enny ghost or ghostesses unless they weigh about 140 pounds and can eat a good square meal.

That i won't bet on nothing, for things that require betting on, lak sumthing.

That i will brag on mi wife all the time, but i will do it silently.

That i won't be suprised at ennything, not even tew be told that Ben Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus died ritch.

That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov malice, but out ov wisdum.

That i won't hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i think iz a bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it.

That i won't wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i was purer than i am.

That i won't kovet enny man's wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz kornstalks, nor the color ov hiz mustash.

That i will laff every good chance i kan git, whether it makes me gro phatt or not.

Finally, i will sarch for things that are little, for things that are lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns, bands ov brass music, Wimmins' rights convenshuns and grass widders generally.

MY FUST GONG.

I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd--i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin.

The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse.

The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin.

Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew.

Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.

Thats what ailed me.

But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) just az i was doing my best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, ... with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads.

I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn.

I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle.

He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would.

KORN.

Korn iz a serial, i am glad ov it.

It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the goddess ov oats, and sich like.

Korn iz sumtimes called _maize_, and it grows in sum parts of the western country, very amaizenly.

I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don't mean the aktual korn itself, but the tree on which it grows.)

Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, which iz az deff az an adder.

Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks, ov the bread purswashun, known tew man.

Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire.

When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a sledge hammer, they are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed upon.

They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro tender, and a dog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the barn, and mutter for two days more.

I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodger without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger.

They git the name _dodger_ from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger.

It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a korn dodger, that iz only three hours old.

Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they found it I don't kno, and i don't know as i care.

Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whiskee is one ov the greatest blessings known tew man.

We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for noble whiskee.

We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosiety, nor demokratik pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt aldermen, nor whiskee rings, nor nothing, if it want for blessed whiskee.

If it want for korn, how could ennyboddy git korned?

And if it want for gitting korned, what would life be worth?

We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want for gitting korned.

The brutes don't git korned, they haint got enny reason nor soul.

We often hear ov "_drunken brutes_," this is a kompliment to oxen which dont belong tew them.

Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are brigadeer-ginerals.

Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin.

Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat.

All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the last ov the puddin.

Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent down into Egipt after sum korn, but his brothers didn't want him to go, so they took pitty on him and pitted him in a pit.

When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare Joe waz, they didn't acknowledge the korn, but lied sum.

It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or enny ov the other vegetables.

Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, it iz easier to lie, espeshily in the shade.

Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that iz a kob.

This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull ov korn as Job waz ov biles.

I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how he managed tew set down in a chair.

Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without hurting the chair, iz one ov the lost arts.

Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the square inch, than iz usual.

One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel iz konsidered a good krop, but i have seen more.

I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum parts of the western country, it iz so much, that thare aint no good law aginst stealing it.

In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, and a good price for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster immejiately, and sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop and all.

ADVERTIZEMENT.

I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze--here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)

ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS.

1. don't hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind how moral he iz) unless yu kan make munny on him.

2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking members tew meet the lekturer at the depot.

3. Don't fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yure way from the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest town in kreashun, and sevral men in it that are wuth over a millyun.

4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer immejiately to at least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew send out for them.

5. When the lekturer's room iz reddy go with him in masse to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu had over 3 thousand people in yure city at the last censuss, and are a talking about having an opera house.

6. Don't leave the lekturer alone in his room over 15 minnits at once; he might take a drink out ov his flask on the sli if yu did.

7. When yu introjuce the lekturer tew the aujience don't fail tew make a speech ten or twelve feet long, occupying a haff an hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better.

8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a kommik lektur, and the kommitty don't laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur iz a failure; and if they do laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude they are stool-pigeons.

9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the richest ov yure populashun up onto the stage and let them squeeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer.

10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a bunch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that yure sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if he don't think so.

11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded who had preceded him, don't forget tew tell him that they were all failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits out ov town.

12. If the lekturer's fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don't hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitching ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters.

13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer, after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure citty, iz that yure people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on nigger-minstrels.

14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts amung the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull.

15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most appreshiated aujiences, and he won't fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that thare ain't no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures.

16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth grip, don't forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in people.

17. If the night iz wet, and the inkum ov the house won't pay expenses, don't hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer's fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a klass, tew say so.

18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but the abuv will do tew begin with.

SUPPLEMENTARY.

Everyboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the world wants the most iz men ov tallent. It don't require enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it.

Rum iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or alms-hous. I think i am right when i say that all things which do not corrupt are innosent.

It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are but phew who prefer their iniquity on the haff shell.

It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest--even a rat bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he cums out or goes into his hoel.

I don't bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Febuary, either forced, or out ov their latitude.

Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don't pleaze long.

Yu kan't find _contentment_ laid down on the map: it iz an imaginary place not settled yet; and thoze reach it the soonest who throw away their compass and go it blind.

The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, "_know thyself_."

LETTER TO FARMERS.

_Beloved Farmers_:

Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass.

Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.

Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs.

Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese.

The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.

What iz a lawyer?--What iz a merchant?--What iz a doktor?--What iz a minister?--I answer, nothing!

A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.

Beloved farmers, adew.

A TEMPRANSE KLUB.

Feeling the grate need miself, ov a klub ov sum kind, i hav organized a _tempranse_ klub, and am anxious tew take into the buzzom ov the klub, enny party, who haz fair moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 9 inches in hite.

Sum few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the klub iz tew be navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az follows:

Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns for one dollar.

Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our regular rates.

The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a glass ov cold water, with a pickle in it.

The password iz--_a sweet breath_.

The principal objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sentiments without the aid ov whisky.

We sollumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the injuns.

Thoze who are in the habit ov paying a dollar for a drink, not admitted, such folks are too respektabel.

No female admitted unless she wants to git her husband to change a bill, and see what iz going on.

We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for hoss stealing, and the like.

We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussidness, and if he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon whisky, we hold that he probably will.

One ov the prinsipal objekts ov this klub iz tew find out which haz got the most spirit in it, a man, or a quart ov whisky.

If a man kant keep from gitting dry without being put under bonds, he must jine sum other tempranse klub.

This klub haz no pollytiks, nor no religion, enny man kan belong tew this klub, and vote even the dimokratik tiket, and tend the presbeterian, or hard shell babtisst meeting house.

No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a moderate horn ov lickquor; (if he aktually needs it) without the aid ov a doktors preskripshun.

Men who kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, are earnestly invited tew jine this klub, and learn how.

No one who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pound ov salt codfish and not feel dry.

Old bummers who visit us, will not be admitted, unless they giv the pass word, (the pass word iz named above.)

All persons making aplikashun for admishun must at least be sober enuff tew be ashamed ov themselfs.

We dont beleave that law ever kept a man sober long, but we do beleave that entreaty and example haz.

This iz not a total abstinence klub.

We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how.

If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him in again az soon as he gits sober.

Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gitting sober.

Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkouragement, free.

Klub-room open nite and day.

A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing up tares in the flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots.

Man iz our brother, and we haven't learnt yet that rum haz destroyed the relashunship.

The accumulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov decent amuzements.

Every member or applikant owning a good dogg, are invited tew bring the dogg.

No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club.

Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and hear us _talk hoss_, and see us drink root beer.

We had rather undertake tew make ten men temperate than one total abstinent.

This klub never gives a man up untill he kant tell the truth without lieing.

A _temperate liar_ is the very wust kind.

_Total abstinence_ iz the only kure for lieing.

The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and constitushun, and see if we liv up tew them.

_Wanted_, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted fellows, with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that thare aint no phun in this world only in a gin cocktail.

No phools nor bigots solicited.

PROVERBIAL PIG.

Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden us.

Hiz ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the outline ov lovlaness.

His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun.

He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur.

He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred, beside the still waters.

His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian.

His words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur.

His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse.

He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy fragranse.

He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on errants ov gladness.

He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov instinkt.

His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness.

As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark cullors, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life.

He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely.

Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his vallu bi pounds, and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh salt for its safety.

This is Pig life.

JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY."

Feller sisters:--When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech.