Chapter I: THANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, (1)

i am sure to be.

MOST men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, bi following the lay ov the ground.

IN youth we run into difficultys, in old age, diffikultys runs into us.

"TIMES ain't az they used tew be"--this haz bin the sollum, and wize remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy.

SECRETS are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate them, yu loze them, and if yu keep them, yu loze the interest on the investment.

PERSECUTED for the Devil's sake, iz what sinners git for their allegiance.

SUM people won't beleave enny thing they kant prove; the things i can't prove, are the very things i beleave the most.

PRIDE never shows itself more disgustingly than in the pomp ov a phuneral.

HAPPINESS iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from labor, as the life ov a yearling heifer.

GOOD examples amung the rulers, are the best laws they kan enakt.

THE devil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that ever lived, and he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total depravity, or he wouldn't hav undertook tew tempt the Saviour.

A "GENTLEMAN about town," iz one who pays cash for everything except hiz debts.

MONEY iz like charity, it kivvers a multitude ov sins.

A PEDANT iz one who fills himself in a cellar with the klam broth ov literature, and then picks hiz teeth in the society ov the learned.

THARE iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize men, but between a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the only thing that will make a phool feel respektable.

WHEN yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the wellfair ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a misfortune.

TADPOLES.

One ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt ov iz the one who iz alwus willing tew pay, but never reddy.

Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obeying them.

I suppoze we never shall kno in this life how big a phool a man kan be, bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants and vanities gratified.

When i diskover that all hatred, avarice, ambishun, vanity, and envy, have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for a Christian.

Yung man, larn tew listen!--i don't mean at a key-hole. Thare iz plenty ov happiness in this life if we only knu it: and one way tew find it iz, when we hav got the old rumatiz tew thank Heaven that it aint the old gout.

Men are blamed for sticking their noze into things; but it iz the only way a dog tracks out hiz game.

The man who kan live in idleness successfully, must either be too pure or too lazy to commit enny sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the literati: sum hav it quite hard, but most hav it dredful lite.

Inkredulity iz the wisdum ov a phool; it iz only a wize man who kan afford tew be credulous.

Prejudice iz a hous plant which is very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks.

The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty well.

What iz the next wust thing tew lieing? Gitting ketched at it.

I am so phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if a man whom i had never seen nor heard ov should su me for a _debt_ ov one hundred dollars, and i couldn't kompound with him for fifty, i would pay the whole rather than defend the suit.

I hav noticed this diffrence between people--thare is _some_ who are not az big phools as they look.

Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espeshliy the _full stop_.

I hav seen pholks so melankolly and so gloomy that they wouldn't admit thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this world, not even tew a nu haff dollar.

If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle and benevolence the skabbard ov the sword.

Experience iz knowledge, and it will stik bi a phellow like the money he gits by hard knoxs.

I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--but i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know.

Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide.

Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness.

He that desires tew be ritch only to be charitable, iz not only a wize man, but a good one.

Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage, and wants a heap ov watching.

The malice ov the world ain't haff so dangerous az its flatterys.

If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may snap at mi heels.

Trieing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing tew stop up a rat hole with sand--the rats will soon dig out sum whare else.

A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered that every man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, "That iz just, bekauze it hits every boddy but me."

Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare iz but one real preventative, and that iz--tew be vacksinated with deaf and dumbness.

Really wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but one good mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides.

We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. We will pass a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we would shudder at a 10 dollar bill.

Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that makes me like him so mutch.

Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don't phurnish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sumthing wuss; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap dogs and sick monkeys.

Poverty iz the step mother ov genius.

Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, and who purrs when he talks; he iz a kat in disguise.

It iz now 30 years ago since a phellow with green goggles on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 cents, whitch he sed waz worth 5 dollars. I've forgot what it waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got beat every time.

When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz soul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal pashuns.

Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which we have tew pay the highest price.

Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner.

"_Time iz money_,"--menny people take this saying in its literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it.

Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes--two dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful.

Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red sum authors who were too original tew be interesting.

Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare never waz one yet, however poor, who would swap estates with them.

If a man iz very bizzy he kant be very sorrowful, nor very viscious.

If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz munny--a mere pimp tew hiz welth.

One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor and deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury.

I don't think the world haz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant wit yet, who waz not troubled at times with the--_hiccups_.

Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute.

The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal line, iz a happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, and branes, are in order.

Justiss now daze aint worth what it kosts.

I've seen men so fun-proof that yu kouldn't fire a joke into them with a dubble-barreled gun.

Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in everything, that when they eat pork and beans, they want the pork one day and the beans the next.

If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that ever lived, i would say it waz him _who never told a lie_.

The meanest thing that enny man ever followed for a bizzness, iz making money.

Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov sum importanse in this world, even a pauper looks forward tew the day ov his phunerul az the time that he haz got tew be notissed.

PEPPER PODS.

If yu hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz generosity, if yu hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew hiz back.

A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their minds, who hadn't got enny minds when they war at home; knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and then spred.

Affickshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew the virtewous.

Noboddy but a phool will spend hiz time trieing tew convince a phool.

Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the further we make it go.

The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking.

Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the province ov men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment.

He who spends hiz younger days in disapashun iz mortgaging himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take possession ov the premises.

Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perfeckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. MORAL: studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice.

Young man don't marry abuv or below yure rank, not that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz _custom_ in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel.

Let him go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for that rabbit ever since.

The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys--digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz the virtewous innocence ov a lazy savage.

Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and sleep well, and yet are sick all the time--theze are the folks who alwus _enjoy poor health_.

If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if yu don't strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a crack.

A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good deal like a hen's egg that haz been sot on for a short time, and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out ennything.

"_People ov good sense_" are thoze whoze opinyuns agree with ours.

Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big citys, people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a gold spoon.

The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and worship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe.

Experience don't make a man so bold az it duz so careful.

Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik; it iz stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like a sled stake.

Thare ain't but very little ginowine good sense in this world enny how, and what little thare iz ain't in market, it iz held for a dividend.

Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a life ov enjoyment will find the following recipee a grate help tew them: "_To one ounce ov plezzure add a pound ov repentance._"

Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and strengthens our virtew--even a boy never feels half so good az when he haz just bin spanked and sot away tew cool.

Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom yu meet.

Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about yure are in danger ov bumping yure hed agin the truth, and az soon az the fog blows oph yu are gone enny how.

Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living with her iz the proze; and this iz all well enuff if the taste ov the poetry hain't spilte our relish for the proze.

The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissapointment.

The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he haz got a large family, and a grate menny promising children amung them.

Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top, ail in the middle, and settlings at the bottom.

We should liv in this life az tho we war walking on glaze ice, liable tew fall at enny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the bystanders.

Men, if they ain't too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, and destroy the time a good deal az follows: the fust 30 years they spend throwing stones at a mark, the seckond 30 they spend in examining the mark tew see whare the stuns hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the stun-throwing bizzness, and nussing the rumatizz.

This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked.

HOOKS & EYES.

Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I hav seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't cum out.

The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any good.

The grate art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in expectancy.

After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we either dispise him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better than to be dispised.

Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun, that they kant tell the truth without lieing.

Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew speak ov a mans vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind hiz back.

I am rather favourably impressed with _Gin_ and _Milk_, az an extrakt, and think a minister ov the gospel mite contend with sum ov it, on the sli, successfully, but when he cums to reckomend it tew hiz people, i hav mi doubts about it, unless he knows hiz people better than i do.

A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiff country out ov hiz mind, but he never kan out ov hiz heart.

I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived in this world, a man who haz improved the whole ov hiz opportunity and abilitys.

Wimmin quite often possess superior tallents, but their genius lays in their pashuns.

Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, what it feeds on most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno az we are obliged tew let them kno it.

Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble.

The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz no room for suspicion.

Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the most phoolish things.

It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning. It iz just so in morals, men seldum undertake tew git religion az long az they kan git enny thing else.

The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don't kare if he sprung from a dunghill.

Thare iz no better evidence ov wisdum than tew beleave what we kant understand.

Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb.

When we are young we change our opinyuns too often. When we are old, too seldum.

Thare aint no people in this world who makes so menny blunders az thoze who don't beleave "that enny good thing ever came out ov Nazareth."

We lay all of our bad luk tew sum boddy else, but our successes we giv ourself kredit for.

Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az unlike az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant.

A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stick ov mollassis kandy that haz half melted.

Thoze who luv most to play jokes upon others, luv least tew hav jokes played upon them.

One ov the most diffikult things for an old person tew forgit and at the same time the most necessary, iz that they are no longer young.

Seckond luv iz like a seckond case ov meazles--the pashunt alwus haz it light.

Men in luv alwus akt like phools or lunatiks, ackordin tew the amount ov their branes.

It iz better tew be stubborn than weak.

There iz no more degrading servitude in this life than tew be obliged tew flatter another.

Most men had rather be ritch than wize.

Fear and courage both seem tew be constitutional, for we often see the ignorant the most courageous, and the most wize the most timid.

About the best thing that extreme old age kan do for us iz tew make death a relief.

Phools are alwus a wishing for sumthing.

To be thoroughly pittyed will take the courage out ov enny man.

Envy iz just az natral tew the heart ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy.

When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, them i am happy.

He who will flatter another, will rob him, if he gits a good chance.

Thare might possibly be sum advantage, in entering a convent, if we could eskape from ourselfs, but go whare we will, we have tew keep company with one, who is able tew do us more hurt, than enny boddy else.

The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be abuzed by every one, for the privilege ov abuzing others.

If it iz really a blessing tew die, it must hav been a curse to be born.

What iz the principal difference between poverty and ritches?--poverty kant be worse, and may be better; ritches kan be better, and may be worse,--the difference iz in favor of poverty.

We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov human natur, than the fakt, that we arrive at wisdom, thru our adversity, instead ov thru our reazon.

A wize man never dispairs, when hope givs out, then cums resignashun.

The best way i kno ov tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do better next time.

Pashion alwus lowers a grate man, but sumtimes elevates a little one.

Thare iz nothing more bekuming to enny man than humility, yet it iz about the last thing he thinks ov.

Too mutch reading, and too little thinking, haz the same effekt on a man's mind, that too mutch eating, and too little exercise haz on hiz boddy.

The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed trouble--things that are always a going tew happen never do happen.

Face all things!--even advertisy iz polite tew a man's face.

A learned phool iz one who has read everything, and simply remembered it.

Thare iz no good substitute for wisdum, but silence iz the best that haz been discovered yet.

Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, and the want ov it, iz just what makes the pissmire dispised.

If I had a boy whose hair wouldn't part in the middle, I should bedew that hair with a parent's tear, and then giv up the boy.

JAW BONES.

Dry goods are worshiped in this world now more than the Lord iz.

Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made; councilling with hope iz the way heroes are made; councilling with faith iz the way Christians are made.

Pleazure iz like a hornet--generally ends with a sting.

The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze who live in the subburbs ov virtew--they are rotten ice.

Lazyness iz a good deal like money--the more a man haz ov it, the more he seems tew want.

Thare iz no such thing az inheriting virtew; money and titles and fever sores kan be inherited.

The virtews of a convent are like hot-house fruits--tender, but tasteless.

Life iz like a mountain--after climbing up one side and sliding down the other, put up the sled.

When a man proves a literary failure, he generally sets up for a critick, and like the fox in the fable, who had lost hiz brush in a trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering tew bob it.

The devil owes most ov his success tew the fackt that he iz alwus on hand.

Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it.

Thare iz only one excuse for impudence, and that iz ignoranse.

Modest men, in trieing tew be impudent, alwus git sassy.

Reputashun iz like money--the principal is often lost by putting it out at interest.

Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for _if_ we love another more than we do ourselfs we shant be jealous.

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not find enny fault at all, wouldn't hesitate tew say tew an angle worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz boddy.

Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who won't pay for making up.

Envy iz an insult tew a man's good sense; for envy iz the pain we feel at the excellencies ov others.

How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a goose quill.

ODS AND ENS.

Natur never makes enny blunders. When she makes a phool she means it.

I hav finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority ov mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, for good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while edukashun only serves tew show his weak pints.

I never knu a man yet whoze name waz _George Washington Lafayette Goodrich, Esq._, and who alwus sighned hiz name for the full amount, but what waz a bigger man on paper than he waz by natur.

As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in hiz morals.

Man iz mi brother, and I konsider that i am nearer related tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews.

Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blunders, and the individual so menny, as a man's acktual importanse among hiz fellow critters.

A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth.

The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth, they cease to trouble him, simply bekauze the nerve is ded.

The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this iz the very thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun haz made more phools than the Lord haz.

About the nearest tew absolute insolvency that a man kan git in this world, and think he iz dieing rich, iz to leave nothing but a pedigree tew hiz family.

I don't pretend tew hav enny less vile pashuns than my nabors, but i do despize the person, most heartily, who caters tew thoze i hav got.

The man who kant find enny thing to do in this world, iz az bad oph az a yearling heffer.

Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so much and pays so little az revenge.

Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew doubt the infalibility ov hiz judgement.

Thare iz this odds between a humorous lekter and a scientiffick one, yu hav got to understand the humorous lektur tew enjoy it, but you kan enjoy the scientiffick one without understanding it.

It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that iz most generally taken.

Don't lay enny certain plans for the fewter, it iz like planting tuds, and expekting tew raze tudstools.

No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorted tew cunning. Cunning iz haff brother tew fear, and they are both ov them weakness.

Natur once in a while makes a phool, but az a general thing phools, like garments, are made tew order.

A man who iz good company for himself is alwus good company for others.

Genuine praize consists in naming a man's faultz to hiz face, and hiz good qualitys tew hiz back.

One ov the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness; a man who wants tew vomit never puts on airs.

A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged in.

Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the more time spent in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hitting the mark.

I have alwus noticed one thing, when a person bekums disgusted with this world, and konkludes to withdraw from it, the world very kindly lets the person went.

Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, or hates.

A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days in the fall ov the year, every hour brings a change in the weather.

I love tew see an old person joyfull, but not kickuptheheels-full.

A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood sum time with the cork pulled out.

Human happiness iz like the Hottentott language, enny boddy kan talk it well enuff, but thare ain't but phew can understand it.

Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar iz ov a shirt.

Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do, he haz given us the power tew do.

Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like little flies; grate bores without meaning or knowing it.

Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil had only been guilty of petty larcency he wouldn't hav bin heard ov agin.

The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord.

All the good injuns die young.

* * * * *

How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.

I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken hartes_," and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.

I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.

A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun.

Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left.

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say--bring him up the back way.

I hav known folks whose _calibre_ was very small, but whose _bore_ was very big.

If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never need to look for promoshun.

A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.

I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.

FUST IMPRESHUNS.

Fust impreshuns are sed tew be lasting. Enny man who haz only been stung bi a hornet once will swear to this.

The safest way for most folks to do iz to do az the rest do. Thare aint but phew who kan navigate without a kompass.

A wize man iz never konfounded bi what he dont understand, but a phool generally iz.

Yung man, don't grind yure scythe all on one side!

I don't know ov a more lamentable sight than an old rake--even repentance looks like a weakness in him.

Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and a cheap mistake tew make. Our very best thoughts often cum tew us sudden, but seldum perfekt. They require polishing up tew make them komplete.

Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu hav tew _turn_ a grindstun to do it.

Repentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno ov nothing more indikative ov strength.

Human knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for i hav seen men who could kalkulate an eklips to a dot, who couldn't harness a hoss tew save their lives.

I don't kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more butiful one when filled, than the command in the Bible--"Be ye az wize az a sarpent, but harmless az a dove."

Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none more than ourselves.

Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind.

A weak constitushun kan be strengthened, but a weak set ov branes kan't.

Vanity iz a strange pashun--rather than be out ov a job it will brag ov its vices.

All phools are poor listeners.

About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other people's opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own.

Flattery iz like ice-kream--to relish good we want it a little at a time, and often.

The more yu praze a man who don't deserve it, the more yu abuze him.

Yu kan't flatter a truly wize man--he knows just how mutch praze iz due him; that he takes, and charges over all the ballance tew the proffit and loss ackount.

Once in a grate while Fortune will acktualy hunt for a man, but generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew woo them.

Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, and yu will notiss this, that while the excentricitys ov a clown are quite often pleasant, the excentricitys ov a grate man are most always disagreeable.

I don't beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and raskals are concerned.

It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be so strong and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a grate loafer and the other the very pattern ov industry and thrift.

How kan we ever expekt tew find a perfekt person in this world when we kan't even find one who iz haff az good az he kan be.

Nu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew find a subjekt tew write on; as they progress they are more troubled tew find what tew write on a subjekt.

Men are seldum underrated; the merkury in a man finds its true level in the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it duz in the glass ov a thermometer.

I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the pure attributes that the angels possess, but no single human hart kontains even a moity ov them.

Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and indifferent; and what makes so mutch trouble iz, the _indifferents_ are in the majority.

A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket laid away, without any lock, but a heavy charge in it.

When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the world kno it, he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the premises.

Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in konfessing our sins to ourselfs and to each other.

I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot "went and hanged himself."

The old saying haz it, "it iz a wize child that knows hiz own father," but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize father that knows hiz own child.

The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match for their experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi experience.

The pashuns are like the wick ov a lighted kandle--they don't die out untill they are burnt out.

Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git religion that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook thoze that they am.

A man with a hed phull ov branes kan afford tew be kareless once in a while, for even hiz blunders are brilliant.

Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don't reduse our phollys.

Buty iz power; but the most treacherous one i kno ov.

The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enny blunders, iz altogether too good to liv in this world.

Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natur are all braggarts.

I will say this for man--i don't kno ov enny enterprize he haz ever undertaken yet which had for its desighn the general interest ov humanity, but what haz succeeded.

If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if i am honest, if i am virtewous--what ov it?--i hav simply dun mi duty.

I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az _eloquent words_. Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an eloquent necktie.

Style iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won't hurt even a saint.

Gravity, az a general thing, iz either the wizdum ov a phool or the cunning ov a raskall.

Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure he haz got the right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat's life when she iz so humble az just before she makes up her mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just after she haz caught and et it.

PLUM PITS.

A man with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on him, dredful oneazy.

I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability tew criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately.

What do yu bet Fame iz? I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes worth fifteen.

New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phuneral procession, jist az likely az not the whole procession, led bi the hearse hoss, will strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew take their dust.

Ambishun iz like hunger--it obeys no law but its appetight.

There iz no medicine like a good joke; it iz a silver-coated pill that frolicks and phisicks on the run.

Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts an end to.

The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise in the esteem ov the world abuv the reputashun ov a good guide-board.

I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than tew hear another hod-carrier say, "He iz a cussid phool and dont understand hiz bizzness."

Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it unless it iz spred with butter.

"Vote early and vote often," is the Politishun's golden rule. Du unto others az yu would be dun by.

What ticket do you vote?

I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself.

Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gits into.

Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man's boddy, are like two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter by laying out the patient.

One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole.

A lie iz like nitro-glycerine, the best ov judges kant tell when it iz going tew bust and skatter confushun.

A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, and seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men's blunders.

Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid.

About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.

Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.

Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and wide awake sinners.

Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others.

All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one ounce ov gold.

Hope and Debt are partners in trade--Hope hunts up the customers and Debt skins them.

Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track.

Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over.

Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters.

A man has got about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard.

He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house.

Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two sillables.

A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the heats--"blood will tell."

Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat.

We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew reach it.

Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi sucking its claws.

Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn't neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay.

GNATS.

I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in.

Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins.

What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors misfortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven.

Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance.

"The gods help them who help themselfs." Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs.

Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful dobby.

Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced.

Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs.

Tew be happy--take things az they cum, and let them go jist az they cum.

It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don't take but little virtew.

It iz the little things ov this life that plague us--

Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse.

What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it! It would improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world.

Don't mistake plezzure for happiness; it iz entirely a different breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure that haz no happiness in it.

Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss--i want mi mollassiss slo and eazy.

Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it makes them tuffer.

"_Sewing Sosietys_," are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip and so--up the naberhood.

A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare; an industrious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with.

It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don't kno.

A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one--the hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt--it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them.

KINDLING WOOD.

Young man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster's Dickshionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don't mean mutch.

We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery in a man.

Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.

About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery.

It iz a grate art tew kno how tew "gather figs from thistles," but philosophy teaches it.

The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls.

We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap.

I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint essence--i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi diluting.

This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an ockashun.

All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one on the other phellow.

Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.

Man iz a hily eddikated animal.

Don't never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.

Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.

Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.

Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust.

It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it.

Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won't.

Don't never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.

I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own.

He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.

When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale--run before the wind.

Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.

I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.

Edukashun that don't learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.

Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat--the rat iz quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole.

Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule--it sets them tew kiking bak.

One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts.

An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement!

Vice in the young fills us with horror--in the old, with disgust.

Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain't a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan "shine em up" a leetle better than enny one else.

The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz--_death_.

The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.

The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.

Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with.

Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting.

The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable.

The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.

Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob.

Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio.

If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and hate the devil.

Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man's kandle bi yours.

I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.

To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess.

It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.

The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit.

Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you.

A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs.

If we couldn't neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be.

When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom.

After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than beloved.

In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense.

Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.

PHISH BAWLS.

Sins are the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders.

I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs.

Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then they _aint dry_.

I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments.

Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every morning.

The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it.

I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream.

One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened.

Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav.

Temper should be curbed, not broken.

I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent.

The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach.

Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup.

I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one.

I haven't mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from.

After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others.

Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy.

It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don't konsider it enny disgrace tew be bit bi a dog.

Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source that it don't do a man enny good.

It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypokrit than it duz tew be a christian.

Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice.

The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kompareing gouts and rumatiss.

Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews.

About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.

Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the fiercest--so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire.

Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it.

Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.

Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most natral ones.

Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, and honor in old age.

Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the kause ov it.

Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none.

Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them.

The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov the devil's oats.

Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew trace out a kat's pedigree.

Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun.