Chapter I: THANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, (6)

Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow.

And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness.

Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool.

Feller Sisters, don't be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf.

Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil git her final reward.

Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak.

Cum together arly, and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then, a bogus heathin.

Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the "Femail Pordunk Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer prosterita, like a wide-awake torchlite possession.

I bid yu tenderla ajew.

THE FUST BABY.

The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy--an event ov mutch gladness.

Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours--to wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you--to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you--tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in yure nest--tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys--a feast ov the harte.

Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she was wooed--tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something new about "Willie"--tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips--tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plezzure.

Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure--tiz this that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu.

Tew look upon the trak that life takes--tew see the sunshine and shower--tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust--tew shudder when sikness steals on, and tew be chastened when death comes--tiz this--oh! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.

JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH.

Josh Billings being duly sworn, testifys az follers: Eight wont go into 6 and hav mutch ov enny thing left over. Menny a yung fellow haz found out this sum in arithmeticks bi trieing tew git a number 8 foot into a number 6 boot.

Virteu, in one respekt, iz like munny. That which we hav tew work the hardesst for sticks tew us the best.

Men ov phew but aktive branes hav the best exekutive abilitys. Their branes are like a bullit--compakt, and go strate for the bull's eye.

Affektashun never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better tew be a devil than a hypokritt.

I hav often herd thare waz men who knew more than they could tell, but i never met one. I hav often met thoze who could tell a grate deal more than they did kno, and waz willing tew sware to it besides.

To be proof agin flattery, a man must hav no vanity, and such a man never existed; if he did, he iz now one ov the lost arts.

Hope haz made a grate menny blunders, but thare iz one thing about her that i alwus did like--she means well.

Sum people are good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and others, bekauze they hant got a good chance.

Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov--thare iz more people in this world who hav changed from bad to good, than from good to bad.

In munny, interest phollows the principal; in morals, principle often phollows the interest.

Yu will notis one thing--the devil seldum offers tew go into partnership with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer tew jine the lazy man, and furnish all the kapital.

Curiosity had twins--one waz _Invenshun_ and the other waz _Stick Yure Noze Into Things_.

Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan think ov now, that never makes enny mistakes that she kan be held accountable for. If you waz a going tew try pure love for a crime, what court would yu take her before?

I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint never found, we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz found, we shant be none ov the better off.

I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv yure bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu.

"In time ov peace prepare for war." This iz the way sum familys liv all the time.

Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew "bet hiz bottom dollar," yu kan make up yure mind that that iz the size ov hiz pile.

The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not tew possess a single virtew.

Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch mollassis.

The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however mutch he may shake them oph, will often call on him thru life, and seek tew renew hiz acquaintance.

Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho it never would open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit drop out.

Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference--in the poor man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch man, they only appear tew be exsentricitys.

Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism.

I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz born so. They kant tell when they got religion, and, if they should looze it, they wouldn't kno it.

We never outgro our phollys--we only alter them.

Thare iz this difference between charity and a gift--charity cums from the heart; a gift, from the pocket.

Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked.

Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin ruined bi kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty.

When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that she iz in tune.

I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy than principle.

Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret good, and they never take enny tew keep.

The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer man in community than the one who iz just virtewous enuff not to be suspekted.

Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing.

Hypockrasy iz alwus humble.

Gravity don't prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, he dont need it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn't hav it.

It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born naked, and it iz no more disgrace.

Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth; thare may possibly be for the insolence ov poverty.

Dont forget one thing, mi boy--that when five men kall yu a suckcess, and one man kalls yu a failure, that the one man's testimony iz what fetches the jury.

Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur; self-prezervashun iz the seckond.

Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them at haff price. Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz religion in that way, iz satisfied with a poor artikle.

JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS.

After a series ov unsuckcessfull wanderings thru life, i find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie into the vitals ov Lake Ontario.

I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold time for money.

For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife's arm az still az tho I had growed thare, and couldn't see ennything on account ov the clamor the water made; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov things, and broke out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor.

The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles hed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Almighty.

The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, which, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it made.

I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been at least three thousand square feet.

I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry to fall, could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn't hav time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so.

I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States and Great Brittain, about half-and-half; but i shouldn't wonder if, sum time, the United States would own the whole ov it.

Natur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haz not been lazy.

Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git through with it will do to hand down tew mi posteritys without the danger ov spiling.

The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls.

This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the water, and iz four hundred feet longer than the rail-road bridge, three miles below.

Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it being known that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, every boddy waz anxious that I should go over.

I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted whip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly over.

We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken the dizzy ride.

My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we were fairly one flesh.

When we had seen her magisty's soil, and safely recrost the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all the suspension bridge glory that i wanted.

We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in one ov them.

I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my soul, as the last swallow went reluctently down end ways, "suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot lemonade whiskee iz better."

Thare iz one thing that Niagara don't lack, whatever may be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz _professional guides_.

Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide me tew the strong points ov the place.

One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with pattent leather boots, which had been new at the hight of the last summer seazon, but which had bekum seazon cracked and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wanted tew guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might guide me sum if he would be keerful.

During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting lies.

He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun warrier, Tecumser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted three hours and seven minnits, during which time hiz own grand father held the watch, and he pointed out the tree that Major Andree waz hung on, and showed me the identical house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immortal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, (and banking house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore-fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it.

But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan't so green.

He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady's head who past, last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the round side ov a hemlock slab, playing "A life on the ocean wave" on a base vial.

After the young man had guided me for one hour and a quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him.

He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az tho he thought we possibly might be twins.

I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the right change to a ded beat.

Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys thare iz now on the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got some miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cents.

Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz picked up by a little boy at the water's edge, who waz fishing for pickled crabs.

It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew the ridikilus, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are familiar with the step.

I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque than tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while rapt in fear and admirashun, and chastened az it were by the God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacrilegisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a paltry piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dollars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than offal.

In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled out ov the temple ov God, and it would be medicine tew me to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it.

SUM VERY BLANK VERSE--THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT.

Beneath the shelvy bank ov meddo brook,
Expektant lays the spekeld trout.
April showers, with blood from
Genial skize, hav warmed the streamlet's
Veins, and dancing on its buzzum
Cums sunlite and shaddo
Hand in hand.
Just here the verdant willow bends,
To lave its tapring fingers
In the kristal flood,
And fragrant spearmint scents the
Creeping wind.
Close by, upon the alders highest limb
Swaying, the blackbird sits,
With mello thrut full ov April songs,
Responsiv tew the sadder notes
Of Robin red breast from yonder maple,
While sollum az phuneral cortege
The dusky crow beats his wing
Against the swimming ski.
'Tis Spring! or from the brooklet's
Grassy bank the violets would not
Be stareing with their eyes ov
Gentle blue, nor in the smoky air
Would indistinkt be heard
The thousand echo's waking,
Haff dreaming, from their frozen sleep.
Sweet time! the yung year innocent.
Gentle Spring! in undress,
Unconscious ov her buty, spreds
Her golden tresses to the wanton wind,
While buds and blossoms early
Welkum the lovely goddess to
This throne of hers,
And reddy stand, with harps soft strung,
With dreamy musik,
Sweet time! ov all the varied year,
Most charming and oftnest sung.

* * * * *

Akross the meddo,
Whissling a lively catch,
Just az the morning sun
Looks o'er the nabring hill,
Cums Afriks old and well-tanned son.
Old time haz bilt upon this darkey's
Hed a nest ov grizzly hair hard-twisted,
And shrunk hiz parchment skin
Cluss fitting tew hiz bones.
A fox skin cap, innocent ov fur,
Hiz hed engulphs,
And well filled with holes,
To let the water out that enters in;
One boot he wears, oddly mated
With a shoe ov anshunt daze.
From thrut to waist wide yawns
Hiz coarse and starchless shirt,
And over all, loose and ragged
Whips the wind, what once waz
Master's Sunday koat.
Nearer az he cums, and ketches
With his well sped ear the
Streamlet's morning son, hiz
Whissell stops, and creeps this
Olden darkey, with muffled tread,
Still nearer, where swiftly runs
The pearly waters, to hide
Beneath the shelvy bank.
The friendly willo, tho yung with leaves,
Between the early sun and dansing
Waters, spreads a quivring shade,
Cluss thare old Ishmahel stands.
Soon to hiz pole ov alder wood,
(Almost the pole az old az Ishmels self,)
He ties the horse hair line,
(Himself did weave), and feeling
With hiz old fingers crisp the
Barbed hooks point, sure to be
That dullness waz not sleeping thare,
He takes (oh! nauty Ishmel!)
From out a quaint old bottle,
That hold perhaps a pint,

He takes--_a drink_,
Smackin his lips, and "_bressing God_,"
In menny a looped and squirming
Knott he hangs the hook about,
With fresh and tempting worms.
One step nearer--still one more--
Then waving in the air aloft
The flexile line, and light,
With hand unerring, the pole
Obedient drops the struggling
Worm just in the current's mouth,
Whare the water fust begins its race.
Oh! art exquisitt! Oh! bliss extatic!--
(None but the Ishmahels hav lernt
This art, or this bliss felt.)
Down the brook's swift thrut swims
The giddy worm, a fatal journey,
For darting, az a streak ov silvry light
From sentinal place, the
Spekled gourmand burys in hiz maw
The barbed deceit.
Now who kan tell, with words enuff,
The thrill that follows?
I kant!
But stranger look! upon the grassy
Bank, dancing in deth, and see a
Two pound trout, game and butiful
To the last.
All day, shaddo like, Old Ishmahel
Steals up and down the stream,
And when the sun hiz daily rase
Haz well ni run,
With basket full, and bottle empty,
Dark Old Ishmahel, prowder
Than a king, goes whissling back
The way he cum.

THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER.

After natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew waste ennything, she mixt the two remnants together, more for a frolick than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce.

Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few minnitts a half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her.

This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame Nature turned him loose into the world, to root.

The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar.

A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and sawdust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead butterflys, with pins through them.

Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov brains, which ackted independent ov each other.

One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight boots, and a third to colone water.

All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them.

Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon's last sensashun in perfumery; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor's window.

The genuine dandy--one who knows hiz bizzness--never falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-glass; hiz strongest pashun iz admirashun; he kant reach the dignity ov love.

To love, requires both brains and a soul; and a dandy in love would be az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip.

Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pashions are weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together.

He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last.

Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate things; they kant insult, nor be insulted; they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized.

Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan think ov now, highly commendible; they are selfish (and have a right to be), bekauze they haint got ennything to spare; their ambishun haz no more glory in it than a scent bag.

Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence.

But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little importance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie.

Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the humming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible woman would marry him, enny quicker, than she would knowingly take counterfit money in change.

This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog's head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys philosophy.

Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah.

It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father--or, "_enny other man_."

The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cluster on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thimbles, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seem to be invariably thar.

This pellet iz humorsly called the "little joker," and iz carlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger.

This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the most niggerlike ov enny ov them.

If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards.

Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the nigger, and the congressman.

It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profligasy, that haz yet bin invented.

Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy.

They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the tenderest pashions.

All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but they are on the right road.

Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer.

One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the skars; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but once a gambler, the cursed pashion whines around him, like a ghost around the buried.

LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.

Long Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the water.

The populashun iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus.

The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and cum out by-and-by like statuary in a tite fit.

The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders.

Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprinkling of innocent deviltry.

I am pleased to state that the _iniquity_ iz principally in fust hands, and finds but few takers.

The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt, and the "_oldest inhabitant_" may help himself if he can.

The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz deposited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the oshun.

I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and oppressed.

Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled.

Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called "_recruiting_."

They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more _braceing_ than the sea-airing.

Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs more or less.

Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-collars, turned down, and short nozes turned up.

The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew pray--they will kontinue on to do so.

The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win.

The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz infested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who eat 3 meals per day.

The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn't postponed living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that she could hav got the style.

I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and bring their best clothes with them.

Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt.

I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary movements on it.

I didn't bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst loseing enny money.

I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality, but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for ages.

Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the world-renowned musketo.

The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at _Plezzure Bay_, cluss bi Long Branch.

He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot.

The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz.

The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near relashuns.

If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimblet, i hav ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philosopher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises.

I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the flag-staff to do it.

Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things.

Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill they are deprived ov it.

It will then be forever too late.

I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily.

I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (_and they do know how_) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the country.

BILLIARDS.

Everyboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards.

It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.

It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.

They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it.

Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellows turn fur punching comes on.

But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.

One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.

Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox.

_This iz billyards._

HABITS OF GRATE MEN.

Habits are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite boots.

Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg's tale natral az life, but seldum useful, or ornamental.

George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron.

In this way he discovered _cansir_, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and it haz ever since bore his name in English.

George also wore an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness and alwus used kats intestines, for shew strings.

He waz a grate man, and had sum habits.

He died in due time.

And haint bin seen since.

His widdow waz inconsolable for a large amount. Hiz widdow iz also no more now, she coiled oph this mortal shuffle in good shape, at the reasonable age of 86.

If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, "peace tew her ashes."

If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny other arrangements that will pay.

Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, that shook the moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an untamed osstrich.

He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian.

He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity.

He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preached, which history sez was cussid good.

Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all.

Bickerstaff wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed ov a flower barrell), tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet.

Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor.

He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a side-saddle.

He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb ded.

His exsentricitys waz theze.

He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood.

When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo.

He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life.

He made all ov hiz pills down cellar.

He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin, but history sez, they didn't enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz odditys.

Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work.

He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work for menny generashun ov rats.

This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt with a widder, in a phuneral scrape.

Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented excentricks that ever smiled.

He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov _Gin_.

Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost.

The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz peculiarness waz hiz way ov smiling.

He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at onst, and the same time.

This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the original idee iz all wore out.

He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy.

History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in it.

But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt.

Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father waz also one before him.

This oddness haz also its immitators.

Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one.

* * * * *

I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natur, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav immitated them,) than the Lord ever haz.

Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how.

Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile behind him.

Oh! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale.

JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.

I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, az pretty az enny man ever owned:--

QUESTIONS.

1st--Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so.

2d--Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?

3d--What is yure precise fiteing weight?

4th--Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?

5th--What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments.

6th--Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?

7th--Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?

8th--Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.

9th--What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully?

10th--Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu?

After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.

HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS.

_First._--Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color.

_Seckond._--Examin hiz ears; see that he haz got tew ears, and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz hearing iz good. All hosses are dum but a deff and dum hoss, are not desirable.

_Third._--Look well to hiz eyes; see that he haz got a pupil in hiz eyes, and not too large a one neither, hosses with too large pupils in their eyes are near-sighted, and kant see oats, and hav tew wear green gogles, and green gogles make a hoss look tu mutch like a trakt pedlar.

_Fourth._--Feel ov his neck with the inside ov yure right hand, see that the spinal collum iz well fatted, and runs the whole length ov him from fore to aft, a hoss without a good phatt spinal collum from fore to aft aint worth, (speaking sudden) aint worth a well defined cuss.

_Five._--Put yure hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov a quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water.

_Six._--Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, number 8 iz about right.

_Seven._--Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov his tail (or dorsul vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along to see if he knows how tew kick.

_Eight._--Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, windgalls, ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheels, thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks; see if he haz got a whirl-bone; look for sum pin-hips; hunt for strains in the back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks.

_Nine._--Investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last May, with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark burnt into the top ov them, with a hot iron.

_Ten._--Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glanders; look just back ov hiz ears for sighns of pole evil, pinch him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at both shoulders for a sweeny.

_Eleven._--Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him up to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express train pass him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov these things.

_Twelve._--Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, ask if he iz a roarer, and don't be afraid tew find out if he iz a whistler.

_Thirteen._--Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, aint a weaver, and dont pull at the halter.

* * * * *

Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a _good family hoss_, there iz a grate menny other things tew be looked at (at yure leizure) after you have bought him.

Good hosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny kind ov hosses, are skarser.

Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the square, send him tew the New York legislature and rejoice that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with him with perfekt impunity, but when yu buy a _good family hoss_ ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the Lord tew forgive him.

"_An honest man iz the noblest work ov God_," this famus saying waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late Alexander Pope, just after buying _a good family hoss_.

GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.

AT PORDUNK.

_Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th._

JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER.

Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.

If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash.

Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living.

Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and bukwheat.

The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success.

The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.

FUST DAY.

A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted before for munny.

Thare waz thirteen entries.

Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.

SEKOND DAY.

It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.

THIRD DAY.

The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than I ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)

It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.

A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.

This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow.

Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.

FOURTH DAY.

This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25.

Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took turns.

This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt.

He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.

Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.

FIFTH DAY.

It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.

Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.

One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.

At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.

I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.

The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.

I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy.

The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.

OATS.

Oats are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz more than one ov them.

They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches hi, and the straw iz holler.

This straw iz interesting for its sukshun.

Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi the watch.

I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the cobbler.

This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing.

I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the "splits" that win.

If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler and agin the suckshun.

But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz full sister to filtered rane water.

If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, but i must git back onto oats agin.

I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it to do it.

I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, yu kant work what's left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet.

Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind.

Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for rag karpets in the rag, and i don't have but one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew bed.

She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule duz a bistander, and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet.

But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sass, bi enny other woman. But i must git back onto oats agin. Oats gro on the summit ov sum straw, and are sharp at both ends.

They resemble shu pegs in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often mistaken for them by near-sighted hosses and shumakers.

I dont intend this remark az enny derogativeness to shumakers in the lump, for i hav often sed, in mi inspired moments, if i couldn't be a shumaker, i would like to be a good lawyer.

Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a stage hoss laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he is tickled somewhare.

This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the stummuck ov the hoss with their sharp ends, and then the hoss laffs.

I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could be did.

Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral karakter, who wont believe enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind of folk are always the eazyest to cheat.

They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill they tri it, this kind of informashun alwus kosts more than it iz aktually worth.

It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experience, but it iz a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik bight the other phellow.

The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and barley, and bukwheat.

Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like menny wimmen now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate.

Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in poetry, whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but when you cum right down to korn in the ear, or oats in the bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the world, kant warrent a good crop.

It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam waz a boy, the gods, and goddesses, hav always been too lazy to swet.

Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz worth.

I would like to see a whole parcell ov theze gods, and goddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of August, they couldn't earn their pepper-sass.

Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count.