Chapter I: THANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, (9)

Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China.

I shouldn't wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav alwus accustomed mi self to plain vittles.

_Mister Barnes._--Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles.

Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than almost enny other breed ov food.

For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy, and sum hash iz good.

I like to eat hash this way better than enny other.

Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash.

If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash.

I hav seen hash miself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et it, and still liv.

I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate.

This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses which I attend.

If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and now and then a fine tooth comb, that want more than half worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the head of all mux food.

_Mister Bartlett._--Ov all the animals who waz brought akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most respektable.

A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family.

I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk that aint watered.

It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about this.

It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow, but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out.

Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch.

The cowcumber cums under the hed ov gardin sass, and they gro on a running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine running, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started.

They are a little balky about starting.

I hav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one night besides giving birth to 7 young cowcumbers on the way.

Kowcumbers kut up into thin slices, and rooled in peper, and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain in the hebdominal region.

A cowcumber iz about the only thing that i kan remember ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it reaches perfektshun.

_Mister Boggs._--Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov yure dog, reached me by yesterday's male.

I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been deprived ov a dog once miself.

I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March three years ago.

I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house.

He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else.

He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown oft from a clothes line, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold.

He waz a bul pup, but iz no more.

Tiger waz hiz fust name.

I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog.

Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to leak.

Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants too mutch watching, to be invested in dorgs.

JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY.

"_Philander._"--If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep yure eye peeled wide open, for the Devil always takes a mortgage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose.

"_Plato._"--Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man's moral kokernutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the least ov.

"_Pindar._"--The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next strongest iz 10 per cent. for the use ov it.

"_Phillip._"--If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer,--the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard knocks.

"_Pan._"--Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men who hunt for it the most find it the least.

"_Powell._"--Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels.

"_Postboy._"--Marrying for munny, iz much like falling out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a good _strike_, it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again.

"_Peacock._"--Yu will find in yure journey through this vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul with anguish, and dissapointments bitter:--thare iz one thing partickularly apt tew go back ov a yung man, whoze buzzum iz trieing tew bust with hope, and that iz--hiz mustash.

"_Pilot._"--A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and not be verry wize, after awl; jist az he may hav a heap ov strength, and not know the best holts.

"_Pilgarlick._"--Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way:

Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibel); skin the eel lengthways from hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized gutty perchy, and equal parts ov merino wool; seazon with Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi the tail in a Duch grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade marks; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into right lengths, and sold for police clubs.

This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold medal at the Paris imposition.

"_Pharaoh._"--It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy.

"_Pedro._"--Before yu buy the hoss yu speak ov, look him over cluss, but don't examin him much afterward, for fear yu may cum across sumthing that yu are looking after. This iz a good rule tew foller when yu take a wife.

"_Pontoon._"--The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git the tail the right heft; tew mutch tail to things iz jist what haz spilte a whole parcel ov clever kites.

"_Palmer._"--Early impreshions are like the dews on the young flowers, soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz made of.

"_Pinchback._"--Don't beleave more than half that yu hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster with each one of them than Dexter can trot to an anatomy waggon.

"_Palmer_."--In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i waz born in the old-fashioned way in the old ov the moon, am long, but crooked, don't beleaf in speerits (not even Jamaka speerits;) am married, or waz twenty years ago, and hav every reazon to beleave that I am now; hav never raized enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew git out ov repair; hav turned mi attenshion tew girl children; hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with a yung feller; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind; i wear a mustash, and number 10 pegged boots; hav a sangunary temperament, and a billyus noze; eat az other folks do, except roasted gooze; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are goose; I work for mi bread and roast goose; hav a grey eye, and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog--this iz me. I forgot to state that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian Church in Massachusetts, and am a good job.

A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE.

DEAR Brigham:--Excuse this peripatetick letter.

I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature, and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew be kind in all harness.

If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn't seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn't tell whare he waz last night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn't recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon's extrakt, and a mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I would say confidenshally tu him:

"_Son_, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market."

This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he didn't begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than he waz.

It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny compass.

This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs.

I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler "amen" before the prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their litening.

I don't want enny body's boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze; a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten.

I ain't voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant.

There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word "go," and nothing else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil--who cares?

But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inheritance ov a camphene boy, i don't kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz daddy.

I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn't ketch, who hav dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov their lives, but i kan tell you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviving the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents.

Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be personal, they wouldn't fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without tieing.

SHORT REPLYS.

DEAR Alice.--I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other.

I dont kno "Yankee doodle" from "Now I lay me on the grass," or "Mary had an infant sheep."

I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.

I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful.

I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.

I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother's catch, or simple lulaby.

But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks.

I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them.

Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure letter, for i don't kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law.

Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend.

I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together.

It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik.

* * * * *

_Pensive Rebekker._--I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow.

I am only sorry on the other phellow's ackount, for yure deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him.

It don't hurt my pheelings tew be called a "_pokey dunce_."

I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think i am what yu kall me, a "_strapping monster_."

Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before.

_Artless Jane._--In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew hav him.

Theze things are all regulated by the law ov _supply_ and _demand_.

If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand.

I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways.

Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles.

But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff.

_Pretty Ruth._--Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled.

This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz did in a kareless way.

Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak.

If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and ketch it.

Yu shouldn't let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.

We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it.

I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too.

The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce.

The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.

Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.

_Gay Betsey._--Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day.

But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt.

It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.

I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks.

They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength.

They are also called "bivalves" bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism.

The true name iz "good-bye valves," a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell.

If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum.

Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper.

A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods.