Chapter II: Front Matter (2)

Draw the lamb's wool ov unsuspicious twilight over hiz eyes, that mi flirtashuns may look to him like viktorys, and that mi bills may strengthen hiz pride in me.

Bless, oh! Fortune, mi crimps, rats, and frizzles, and let thi glory shine upon mi paint and powder.

When i walk out before the gaze ov vulgar man, regulate mi wiggle, and add nu grace tew mi gaiters.

Bless all dri goods klerks, milliners, manty-makers and hair-frizzers, and give immortality to Lubin and hiz heirs, and assighns forever.

Lead me bi the side ov colone waters, and fatten mi calves upon the bran ov thi love.

Blister, oh! Fortune, with the heat ov thi wrath, the man who treds upon the trail ov my garments.

Take mi two children oph from mi hands, for they bother me, and take them to be thi children, and bring them up to suit thiself.

When i bow miself in worship, grant that i may do it with ravishing elegance, and perserve unto the last the lily-white ov mi flesh, and the taper ov mi fingers.

Smile thou graciously, oh! Fortune, upon mi nu silk dress, now in the hands of the manty-maker, and may it fit me all over like unto, as the ducks foot fitteth the mud.

Destroy mine enemys with the gaul ov jealousy, and eat thou up with the teeth ov envy, all thoze who gaze at mi style.

Save me from wrinkles, and foster mi plumpness.

Fill both mi eyes, oh! Fortune, with the plaintive pizon ov infatuashun, that i may lay out mi viktims, the men as knumb-images graven.

Let the lily, and the roze, strive together in mi cheek, and may mi nek swim like a goose on the buzzum ov krystal waters.

Enable me, oh Fortune, to wear shoes still a little smaller, and save me from all korns, and bunyons.

Bless Fanny mi lap dog, and rain down bezom ov destruckshun upon thoze who would hurt a hair ov Hektor mi kitten.

Remove far from me all the wails of the sorrowful, and shield mi sensitiff natur from the klamours ov the widder.

Shed the light ov thi countenance on mi kammel's hair shawl, and mi necklace ov dimonds, I beseech thee.

Enable the poor to shirk for themselfs, and save me from all missionary beggars.

I hav always ben a friend to thee, oh Fortune, therefore bless me for ever, and ever.

THE BIZZY BODY.

I don't mean the industrious man, intent, and constant in the way of duty, but he who, like a hen, tired ov setting, cums clucking oph from the nest in a grate hurry, and full ov sputter, az fat spilt on the fire; scratching a little here, and suddenly a little thare; chuck full ov small things, like a ritch cheeze; up and down the streets, wagging around evry boddy, like a lorst dorg; in and out like a long-tailed mouse; az full ov bizzness az a pissmire, just before a hard shower; more questions tew ask than a prosekuting attorney; az fat with pertikulars, az an inditement for hog stealing; as knowing az a tin weathercock.

This breed ov folks do a small bizznes on a big capital, they alwus know all the sekrets within ten miles, that aint worth keeping, they are a bundle of faggot fakts, and kan tell which sow in the neighborhood haz got the most pigs, and what Squire Benson got for marrying hiz last couple.

All ov this iz the result ov not knowing how to use a few brains to advantage, if they only knew a little less they would be fools, and a little more would enable them to tend a fresh lettered gideboard, with credit to themselfs, and not confusion to the travellers.

The Bizzy Body iz az full ov leizure az a yearling heifer, hiz time, (nor noboddy else's) aint worth nothing to him, he will button hole an auctioneer on the block, or a minister in the pulpit, and wouldn't hesitate tew stop a phuneral procession to ask what the corpse died of. They are az familiar with every boddy az a cockroach, but are no more use to you, az a friend, than a sucked orange.

Theze bizzy people are of awl genders--maskuline, feminine and nuter, and sumtimes are old maids, and then are az necessary in a community as dried herbs in the garret.

One bizzy old maid, who enjoys her vittles, and dont keep a lot ov tame kats for stiddy employment, is worth more than a daily paper; she iz better than the "Cook's Own Book," or a volume of household receipts, and works harder and makes more trips every day than a railroad hoss on the Third avenue cars.

The bizzybody iz generally az free from malice az a fly; he lights on you only for a roost, but iz always az unprofitable to know, or to hav ennything to do with, az a jewelry peddlar.

Thare are sum ov the bizzy folks who are like the hornets--never bizzy only with their stings. Theze are vipers, and are to be feared, not trifled with; but my bizzybody has no gaul in his liver; his whole karackter iz his face, and he iz as eazy to inventory az the baggage of a traveling colporter.

They are a cheerful, moderately virtuous, extremely patient, modestly impudent, ginger-pop set ov vagrants, who have got more leggs than brains, and whose really greatest sin iz not their waste ov facultys, but waste ov time. But time, to one ov theze fellows, flies as unconscious az it duz tew a tin watch in a toy shop window.

They are welcomed, not bekauze they are necessary, but bekauze they aint feared, and are soon dropt, like peanut shells, on the floor.

Thare iz no radikal cure for the bizzybody, no more than thare iz for the fleas in a long-haired dogg--if yu git rid ov the fleas yu hav got the dogg left, and if yu git rid ov the dogg yu hav got the fleas left, and so, whare are you?

Bizzyness and bissness are two diffrent things, altho they pronounce out loud similar.

But after all i don't want tew git shut ov the Bizzy people; they are a noosanse for a small amount, but sumboddy haz got to be a noosanse, and being aktive about nothing, and energetically lazy, iz no doubt a virtuous dodge, but iz 10 per cent better than counterfitting, or even the grand larceny bizziness. Thare iz one thing about them, they are seldum deceitful, they trade on a floating capital, and only deal in second-hand articles; they haint got the tallent to invent, they seldum lie, bekauze their bizziness don't require it; thare iz stale truth enuff lieing around loose for their purpose.

Don't trust them only with what you want to have scattered, they will find a ready market for every thing that a prudent man would hesitate tew offer, and they always suppoze they are learned, for they mistake rumors, skandals, and gossip for wisdum.

It iz a sad sight to see a whole life being swopped off for the glory of telling what good people don't love to hear, and what viscious ones only value for the malice it contains. I should rather be the keeper ov a rat pit, or ketch kats for a shilling a head to feed an anaconda with.

FASTIDIOUSNESS.

Fastidiousness iz merely the ignorance ov propriety. I hav saw people who had rather die and be buried than say _bull_. They wouldn't hesitate tew say _male cow_. If the thoughts are pure and the language iz chaste, it will do tew say almoste ennything.

The young lady who, a fu years ago, refused tew walk akrost a potato field, bekauze the potatoze had eyes, ran away from home, soon afterwards, with a jewelry pedlar.

Fastidiousness, az a general thing iz a holyday virtew, and i hav frequently notissed that thoze individuals who are alwus afrade they shal cum akrost sumthing hily improper, are generally looking for it.

Fastidiousness and delikasy are often konfounded, but thare iz this difference--the truly delikate aint afrade tew take holt ov things that they are willing tew touch at all with their naked hands, while the fastidious are willing tew take holt ov enny thing with gloves on.

Delikasy iz the coquetry ov truth; fastidiousness iz the prudery ov falsehood.

LOVE.

Love iz one ov the pashuns, and the most diffikult one ov all tew deskribe.

I never yet hav herd love well defined.

I hav read several deskripshuns ov it, but they were written by thoze who were in love, (or thought they waz), and i wouldn't beleave such testimony, not even under oath.

Almoste every boddy, sum time in their life, haz bin in love, and if they think it iz an eazy sensashun tew deskribe, let them set down and deskribe it, and see if the person who listens tew the deskripshun will be satisfied with it.

I waz in love once miself for 7 long years, and mi friends all sed i had a consupshun, but i knu all the time what ailed me, but couldn't deskribe it.

Now all that i kan rekolekt about this luv sikness iz, that for thoze 7 long years i waz, if enny thing, rather more ov a kondem phool than ordinary.

Love iz an honorabel disseaze enuff tew hav, bekauze it iz natral; but enny phellow who haz laid sik with it for 7 long years, after he gits over it, feels sumthing like the phellow who haz phell down on the ice when it iz verry wet--he dont feel like talking about it before folks.

FEAR.

Sum pholks think fear iz the result ov edukashun, but i dont.

I notiss that thoze who are edukated the most, and thoze who are edukated the least, are troubled with fear just alike.

Fear and courage are instinkts.

A man who iz a koward iz born so, and, when he iz full ov skare, hiz hare on hiz hed will git up on end, I dont kare how mutch edukashun yu pile on top ov it.

The gratest kowards in the world are the men ov the most genius--they are the most silly kowards.

One ov theze kind ov men will quake with fear when a mouse knaws in the wainskote at night, but they will face an earthquake next day with composure.

I dont kno ov a more terrible sensashun than fear; it iz deth when it exhausts itself and ends in despair.

I am a grate koward miself, and beleave i waz born so, and yet thare is nothing which i despize so mutch as kowardice.

I would give all the other virtews i hav got (provided i hav got enny), and throw in a hundred dollars in munny besides, for an unlimited supply ov courage.

I would like tew hav courage enuff tew face the devil himself, if he waz the least bit sassy tew to me.

I am satisfied that courage iz an instinkt, for i notiss all the animal kreashun hav it well defined.

BUTY.

Buty iz a very handy thing tew hav, espeshily for a woman who aint hansum.

Thare iz not mutch ov enny thing more diffikult tew define than buty.

It iz a blessed thing that there ain't no rules for it, for the way it iz now, every man gits a hansum woman for a wife.

Thare iz grate power in female buty; its viktorys reach klear from the Garden ov Eden down to yesterday.

Adam waz the fust man that saw a butiful woman, and waz the fust man tew acknowledge it.

But beauty in itself iz but a very short-lived viktory--a mere perspektive to the background.

Thare aint noboddy but a butterfly kan liv on buty, and git phatt.

When buty and good sense jine each other, yu hav got a mixtur that will stand both wet and dry weather.

I hav never seen a woman with good sense but what had buty enuff tew make herself hily agreeable; but i hav seen 3 or 4 wimmin in mi day who hadn't sense enuff tew make a good deal ov buty the least bit charming.

But, az i sed before, thare ain't no posatiff rule for buty, and i am dredful glad ov it, for every boddy would be after that rule, and sumboddy wouldn't git enny rule, besides running a grate risk ov gitting jammed in the rush.

Man buty iz a awful weak komplaint--it iz wuss, if possible, than the nosegay disseaze.

If there iz sitch a thing az a butiful man on earth, he haz mi simpathy. Even mithology had but one Adonis, and the only accomplishment he had waz tew blatt like a lamb.

FAITH.

Faith iz the rite bower ov Hope.

If it want for faith, thare would be no living in this world. We couldn't even eat hash with enny safety, if it want for faith.

Human knowledge is very short, and don't reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite; but faith lengthens out the road, and makes it light, so that we kan see tew read the letterings on the mile stuns.

Faith haz won more viktorys than all the other pashuns or sentiments ov the heart and hed put together.

Faith iz one ov them warriors who dont kno when she iz whipped.

But Faith iz no milksop, but a live fighter. She dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes; but she iz the heroine ov forlorn Hope--she feathers her arrows with reazon, and fires rite at the bull's eye ov fate.

I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attributes, i would take it all in faith--red hot faith I mean; and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various dri bones thare iz laying around loose in this world.

BRANES.

Branes are a sort ov animal pulp, and by common konsent are suppozed tew be the medium ov thought.

How enny boddy knows that the branes do the thinking, or are the interpreters ov thought, iz more than i kan tell; and, for what i kno, this theory may be one ov thoze remarkable diskoverys ov man which aint so.

Theze subjeks are tew mutch for a man ov mi learning tew lift. I kant prove any ov them, and i hav too mutch venerashun tew guess at them.

Branes are generally supozed tew be lokated in the hed, but investigashun satisfys me that they are planted all over the boddy.

I find that a dansing master's are situated in hiz heels and toze, while a fiddler's all center in hiz elbows.

Sum people's branes seem tew be placed in their hands and fingers, which explains their grate genius for taking things which they kan reach.

I hav seen cases whare all the branes seemed tew kongregate in the tounge; and once in a grate while they inhabit the ears, and then we hav a good listener, but theze are seldum cases.

Sum times the branes ain't enny whare in partikular, but all over the boddy in a minnit. These fellows are like a pissmire just before a hard shower, in a big hurry, and alwus trieing tew go 4 different ways tew once.

Thare seems tew be kases whare thare aint enny branes at all, but this iz a mistake. I thought i had cum akrost one ov theze kind once, but after watching the pashunt for an hour, and see him drink 5 horns ov poor whiskey during the time, i had no trouble in telling whare hiz branes all lay.

I hav finally cum tew the konclushun that branes, or sum thing else that iz good tew think with, are excellent tew hav: but yu want tew keep yure eye on them, and not let them phool away their time, nor yures neither.

SPRING AND BILES.

Spring came this year az mutch az usual, hail butuous virgin 5000 years old and upwards, hale and harty old gal, welcum tew York State, and parts adjacent!

Now the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs skream, now the geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur is frisky, the earnest pissmire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the nobby cockroach, are singing Yankee Doodle, and "coming thru the rhi." Now may be seen the muskeeter, that gray outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his last year's bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the hoarse shanghigh, bawling in the barnyard.

Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor chats with neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless toward the school. These things are all fust rate in their place, but spring brings pesky _biles_, and plants them carelessly, sometimes among the maiden's charms, and sometimes among the young men's. I kan tork like a preshure poet about biles, just now, for i have one in full bloom growing on me, almost reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov anguish az a broken heart.

Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az kross tew the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. Biles alwus pick out the handyest place on youre boddy tew bild their nest, and if you undertake tew brake them up, it only makes them mad, and takes them longer tew hatch out. Thare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving them away. They are like an impudent bed bug, they won't move till they hav got their fill.

Biles are az old az religion. Job, the proffit, waz the first champion ov biles, and he iz currently reported tew hav more biles, and more pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, two very rare things to be found, in enny man.

_Biles_ and _pashunce_! i should as soon think ov mixing courting and muskeeters together, for luxury.

I hav got a grate deal more faith than i hav pashunce, but i hain't got enough faith in biles. I wouldn't trust a bile, even on one ov mi boots.

I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sumtimes iz an evidence ov brains, and pashunce quite often iz only numbness, but i don't thinkin these smoothe shod times it iz best to have too mutch capital invested in either ov them.

But i am out ov the road. I must git back onto biles agin.

If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight and narrow path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go to the----. Biles are very sassy; sumtimes when yer go to set down, they will get between yer and the chair; this iz one evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one once plant herself on the frunt end of mi nose, which was a most remarkabel piece ov bad manners, for there iz no room on mi noze ennywhere fora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy, and i guess they am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet's nest, and az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy--i am willing tew pay the highest market price for a good deal ov helthy--but if i had to hav 2 biles on me, awl the time, in order to be helthy, i should think that i was bulling the market.

There iz one more smart thing about biles; they are like twins; they hardly ever cum singly, and i hav known them to throw double sixes.

What! twelve biles on one man at a time! This is wus than fighting bumblebees with your summer clothes on.

Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers ov the land, to be an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthing which she wants to spare. This is so without doubt, but it don't strike me az being a very polite thing in natur, tew shov oph her biles onto other folks. I say, let evry boddy take care ov their own biles.

But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean names current amung fishmungers, revile and persecute, and spit on them, groan, grin and swear when they visit yer, hit them over the head and set on them if yer pleaze, there iz a time in their career when they concentrate aul the pathos ov joy that a man haz on hand to spare, and that iz--when they bust!

This iz bliss, glory, and revenge on the haff shell. A man leans back in rektified comfort, az innocent and az limber az a mermaid.

This pays for the fretful nights and nervous days while the bile haz been hatching. Exit Biles.

TIGHT BOOTS.

I would jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented _tite boots_.

He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss.

If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz enjoying grate agony ov sum kind.

I hav bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but generally could manage to make them average; but thare iz no sich thing az making a pair of tite boots average.

Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite boots, and be humble, and penitent, and not indulge profane literature, will make a good husband.

Oh! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous ockashun.

Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 winds ov heaven.

Oh! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look hansum without a tite boot on it.

Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull.

Oh! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a mountain.

I have been led into the above assortment ov _Oh's!_ from having in my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them.

Mi feet are az uneazy az a dog's noze the fust time he wears a muzzle.

I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth.

I liv in hopes they will.

I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this way, but i hav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a small one.

Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the devil; for menny a man haz caught for life a fust rate habit for swareing bi encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots.

I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times during mi checkured life, that they never should be strangled agin, but i find them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk ake from a suddin attak ov tite boots.

But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever wear; i will hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have to go barefoot to do it.

I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more.

Eazy boots iz _one_ of the luxurys ov life, but i forgit what the other luxury iz, but i don't kno az i care, provided i kan git rid ov this pair ov tite boots.

Enny man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what they kost, and if they don't make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay for them.

Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kall to mind now who could hav afforded to hav wore tite boots, and enjoyed them, he had a grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in, but life now days, iz too short, and too full ov aktual bizzness to phool away enny ov it on tite boots.

Tite boots are an insult to enny man's understanding.

He who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the corn.

Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath, and promiskious cussing.

Beware ov tite boots.

THE LAM AND THE DOVE.

The lam iz a juvenile sheep.

They are born about the fust ov March, and menny ov them die just az soon az green peas cum.

Lam and green peas are good, but not good for the lam.

Lam are innosent az shrimps, they won't bight, nor skratch, nor talk sassy.

They don't kno mutch, only to skip, turn summersets on the grass, kik up their heels, pla tag, plauge their mothers and hav phun generally.

I luv the lam, i even luv them after they bekum mutton, i luv lams ov all kinds, i had rather hav one lam than 4 wolfs. This may look like oddness in me, but it iz mi sentiments enny how.

Mary had a little lam. I wish i had a little lam, and if i had a good deal ov lam it wouldn't diskourage me.

Mary waz a good girl--an ornament tew her sekt.

Mary's lam waz a good lam--an ornament tew hiz or her sekt, i don't remember which.

It iz plezant tew reflekt that theze things are stubborn fakts.

When a lam gits thru being a lam, they immejiately bekum a sheep. This takes all the sentiment out ov them.

There ain't mutch poetry in mutton.

Sheep are mutton.

Mutton iz sumtimes prekarious.

When youth and innosense ov enny kind groze old, it loozes most all ov its lamness.

This fakt iz too well known tew require an affidavid.

The lam iz an artikle ov trade, az well as diet, they are wuth from four tew 10 dollars, ackording tew the way things am.

It iz strange that so mutch innosense az the lam iz possessed ov should be for sale.

It iz jiss so with most all the innosense and purity in this world--it iz too often brought to the shambles.

I suppoze if i could hav mi way, the lam would stop growing when he got to be about 8 weeks old; but then, cum tew think ov it, this would make mutton awful skarse.

It would also make lams dredful plenty.

It would also inkrease wolfs much, for i hav alwus notissed since i begun bizzness in this world that just in perposhun az lams got numerous, wolfs got numerous ackordin.

The lam haz a short tail. Their tails are not short bi natur, but short bi desighn.

During their early lamkinness, in an unsuspekting moment, and quicker than litening, their dorsal elongashun iz nipt in the bud.

Not to be mistaken in this matter, and tew plase the responsibility jist whare it belongs, lam's tails are kut oph bi man.

This iz a mean thing for man to do, but man iz capable ov doing dredful mean things, jist bekauze he iz a man.

Man aint satisfied tew leave ennything in this world az he phinds it.

Lams are ov the mail and femail perswashun.

Thare are none ov the animals, that i kan remember ov now, that are ov the nuter gender except the mule.

I hav often seen men ov the nuter jender. If yu don't beleave this, cum down whare i liv and i will point them out to you.

The femail lam iz the dearest little package ov innosense and buty known to natralists.

A femail lam iz mi pride and hope. I luv the whole entire congregashun ov them. The mail lam soon gits ruff. They hav horns which burst out ov their heds, and when they git advanced in the journey ov life, theze horns are a hard thing tew kontradicket.

I hav seen an aged mail lam knock a 2-hoss waggon into splinters with one blo ov their horns.

This iz terrible if true.

The mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram.

The lam iz kivvered from childhood with a softe coating called wool, from whitch cloth iz sed to be made, and also from whitch yarn iz sed to be spun.

There iz a grate deal ov yarn spun in this world that has no wool in it; theze yarns are called phibs.

Phibs are not konsidered feroshus. A phib iz a lie painted in water kullers.

Thare haz been more phibs in market since the formashun ov man than thare haz been truth.

Phibs are often ingenious, sometimes quite pretty, but are alwus dangerous.

Phibs are sumtimes a grate deal more plauzable than truth.

Look out for them.

Phibbers hav been known tew bekum liars, just az hot lemonade drinkers, with a leetle port wine in it just for effekt, hav been known tew bekum our most reliable whiskee drinkers.

THE DUV.

The duv iz the lam amung birds.

They are az harmless az a dandy lion.

They don't do enny hard work, but eat oats and bill and coo.

They luv each other like a nu married kupple.

The duv alwus hav a good appetight; they will eat from dalite tew dark and seem tew be sorry they didn't eat sum more.

They are a long lived burd, and like the bumble bee, are the biggest when they are born.

I never knu a duv tew la down, and di ov old age.

They are very thrifty, they will inkrease phaster than the multiplikashun table.

They are like the meazles, if yu hav them at all, yu hav got tew hav a good menny ov them.

The duv haz existed a long time, and was one ov Noahs pets, when he sailed.

The fust duv he sent out ov the ark brought bak an olive branch, and the next time he sent her out, she didn't bring bak enny thing.

She even forgot tew cum bak herself.

Noah had but one pair ov each breed ov duvs in the ark, and the one he sent out, and the one he had on hand, must hav found each other, this explains the lov, and effekshun, ov the duv.

The duv iz more ornamental than useful.

They are too inosent tew be very useful.

Sumtimes too mutch inosense interferes with bizzness.

I hav known half a dozen duvs tew git into a pie together, and make themselves useful for a fu minnitts.

I don't hate duv pies.

The duv hav alwuss been a kard tew define inosense.

The bible tells us, "to be az wize az a sarpent, _but harmless_ as a duv."

This iz fust rate advice, but it means live bizzness.

Enny boddy who iz az wise az a sarpent, kan afford tew be az harmless az a duv.

The rite mixtur ov duv and sarpient in a man's natur iz a good dose.

If a man haz got too much snaik in him, he iz liable tew overdo things, and if he haz got too mutch duv in him, he aint apt tew cook things enuff.

The duv iz a homemade kritter; they are as effeckshionate as a cockroach iz.

The nearer they kan liv tew whare man duz, the more they are apt tew do it.

Lams and duvs hav a grate menny weak points; but i wouldn't like enny better phun than tew liv whar thare want ennything else but duvs and lams. But this place aint laid down on enny of the maps in this world.

Hawks and wolfs hav made the duv and lam trade dredful unsartin.

I guess, after all, that the evil things in this life help tew make the good things more desirable, and all things that are natral must be right, be they lam, duv, wolf or sarpient.

THE OLD BACHELOR.

A chronick old bachelor iz invaribly ov the nuter gender, i don't care how mutch he may offer tew bet that it ain't so.

They are like dried apples on a string, want a good deal ov soaking before they will do to use.

I suppose thare iz sum ov them who hav a good excuse for their nuterness; menny ov them are too stingy tew marry; this iz one ov the best excuses i kno ov, for a stingy man ain't fit to hav a nice woman.

Sum old bachelors gits after a flirt, and kan't travel az fast az she duz, and then konklude all the female group are hard tew ketch, and good for nothing when they are ketched.

A flirt iz a tuff thing to overhaul, unless the right dog gits after her, and they are the eazyest ov all tew ketch, and often make the best ov wives.

When a flirt really falls in love, she iz az powerless az a mown daizy.

Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning into fear, her spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a cradle.

The best way to ketch a flirt iz to travel the other way from which they are going, or set down on the grass and whissell sum lively tune till the flirt cums round.

Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts git more than even, by making the old bachelors.

A majority ov the flirts get married finally, for they have a grate quantity ov the most dainty titbits ov woman's natur, and alwus hav shrewdness tew back up their sweetness.

Flirts don't deal in poetry and water grewel; they hav got tew hav brains, or else sumboddy would trade them out ov their capital at the fust swop.

Thare iz sich a thing (i hav bin told bi thoze who know sum more ov theze things than i do,) az old bachelors being manufackterd out ov dissapointed love.

This iz a good deal az sensible, az a man's staying put in the cold all night, on the wrong side ov a river, bekauze he haz made up hiz mind tew ford it, in jist sich a place whare he knows the water iz over hiz hed, when if he would go a little further up or down the creek, he would find the crossing easy, and a sweet little critter, with outstretched hands to beckon him acrost.

Dissapointed luv must ov course be all on one side, and this ain't enny more excuse for being an old bachelor than it iz for a man tew quit all kind ov manual labor, jist out ov spite, and jine a poor house, bekauze he kant lift a ton at one pop.

Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so bekauze they fear the _burden_ ov a family.

This would be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it; the fackt iz, if such men had a family, they would be the grasshoppers themselfs that the bible speaks ov, as weighing so mutch to the pound.

An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz relief from anxiety, hiz independance. This iz a dead beat past ressurrection, for evryboddy knows there ain't a more anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All hiz dreams are charcole sketches, ov boarding-school misses; he dresses, greases hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wimmin, and only gits laffed at for hiz pains.

I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years old, and cum very near dieing a dozen times. I had more sharp pain in one year than i have had since, put it all in a heap; i waz in a lively fever all the time.

If a man haint got ennything in hiz natur but vanity and self-love, he iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and generally makes a good specimen ov the critters; but what more disgusting traits can a man have than these?--and thare iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting married than the fackt that thare aint nothing that will kure theze komplaints so thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes.

There iz only one person who haz inhabited this world thus far, that i think could hav bin an old bachelor and done the subjekt justiss, and he waz Adam; but since Adam saw fit to open the ball, i hold it iz every man's duty to selekt a partner, and keep the dance hot.

HORNS.

In writing the biographi ov _horns_, i am astonished tew find so menny ov them, and so entirely different in their pedigree and pretenshuns.

"_Cape Horn._"--Cape Horn iz the biggest horn known to man.

It iz a native ov the extreme bottom ov South Amerika, and gores the oshun.

Cape Horn iz hollow, and akts az a phunnell for the winds, which hurry thru it in mutch haste, cauzing the waters ov the sea for a grate distance tew bekum crazy, which frightens the vessells that go by thare, and makes them rare and pitch tremenjus.

This horn iz like a sour old bull in the hiway, and dont seem tew be ov enny use, only tew make folks go out ov their way tew git round it.

"_Horn ov a dilemma._"--Dilemma iz derived from the siamese verb "_diloss_," which means _a tite spot_, and haz a horn on each end ov it.

Thare iz no choice in theze two horns; if yu seize one ov them the other may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either both of them may pitch into you.

I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives out, mi rule iz tew shut up both eyes, and fite both prongs with mi whole grit.

Nine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it iz alwus a good fite if yu git licked the tenth.

Yu kant argy or reason with the horn ov a dilemma, the only way iz tew advance in and fight for the gross amount.

"_Cow's Horn._"--Two bony projeckshuns, curved, crooked or strate, worn bi the cows on the apeks of their heds, for ornament in times ov peace, and used when they go into war tew stab with.

Theze horns are a kind ov family rechord.

At three years old a ring appears on the bottom ov the horn next tew the hed, and each year after a fresh ring iz born.

In this way the cows kno how old they are.

Sumtimes theze rings fill up the whole horn and grow off onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only happens tew very old cows.

I never knu it tew happen in mi life, and I dont think it ever did, it iz one ov them venerable lies that are handed down from father to son, just tew keep the stock ov lies from running out.

When I waz a boy and had just begun tew chew tobacco, i waz told that butter cum from the cow's horn--I hav since found out that this iz another cussed old lie. This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature tew covet what aint undoubtedly so.

"_Dinner-Horn._"--This is the oldest, and most sakred horn thare iz. It iz set tew musik, and plays "Home, Sweet Home" about noon. It has bin listened tew, with more rapturous delite, than ever Graffula's band haz. Yu kan hear it further than yu kan one ov Mr. Rodman's guns. It will arrest a man and bring him in quicker than a sheriff's warrent. It kan outfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the deaf tew hear, and the dum tew shout for joy. Glorious old instrument! long may yure lungs last!

"_Ram's Horn._"--A spiral root, that emerges suddenly from the figure hed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies untill it reaches a tip end. Ram's horns are alwus a sure sighn ov battle. They are used tew butt with, _but with_ out enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun wall, or a deakon or an established church. A story iz told ov old deakon Fletcher ov Konnektikutt State, who waz digging post holes in a ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz boddy waz looked upon, by the old ram, who fed in the lot, az a banter for a fight.

Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram went incontinently for the deakon, and took him, the fust shot, on the blind side ov hiz boddy, jist about the meridian.

The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, with a heels-over-hed moshun.

Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, the deakon jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice * * * "yu darned--old cuss," and then all at once remembering that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he apologized by saying--"_that iz, if I may be allowed the expresshun_."

The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks made tew the ram.

"_Whisky Horn._"--This horn varys in length, but from three to six inches iz the favorite size.

It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur.

It iz really more pugnashus than the ram's horn; six inches ov it will knok a man perfekly calm.

When it knoks a man down it holds him thare.

It iz either the principal or the sekond in most all the iniquity that iz travelling around.

It makes brutes of men, demons of wimmin and vagrants of children.

It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil put together.

"_Horn Comb._"--This simple little unsophistikated instrument haz beheaded countless legions ov innocent children.

I don't mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their skalps.

It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good appetite.

It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz az thorough az a sarch warrent.

It iz an emblem of faith and neatness.

When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, hung up and labeled, "Well done old mouser."

I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb with a species ov venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It reminds me ov mi boyhood, and the boyish things that waz running through mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and innocence.

Thare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint got the time to tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the "Powder Horn," the "Horn ov the Bull Head," and the "Horn ov Plenty;" and there iz also "Horn Tooke," a celebrated writer ov hiz day; but good-by for the present.

KISSING.

I hav written essays on kissing before this one, and they didn't satisfy me, nor dew I think this one will, for the more a man undertakes tew tell about a kiss, the more he will reduce his ignorance tew a science.

Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than yu kan the breath ov a flower. Yu kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny more than yu kan a peach.

Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell how a kiss tastes, haint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth than a knot hole haz. Such a phellow wouldn't hesitate tew deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sass.

The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then set down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips.

If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man.

I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz in a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their own, and think they hav found out how.

I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a humming bird tew her roost.

I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, that daubs the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing to eat.

Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az robbin a bird's nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out ov dandelions.

The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind that must do it, or spile.

If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the author ov the first kiss; kissing, like mutch other good things, iz anonymous.

But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss.

Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the garden of Eden.

Adam wan't the man, i don't beleave, tew pass sich a hand

I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it.

I don't know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist enny boddy or not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of proving sumthing else.

I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage adulturated, it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing stones tew a mark.

I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov Union square, 5 times in less than 10 minnitts; they kist every time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately thought ov sumthing else they hadn't sed. I couldn't tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It waz a which, and tother, scene.

Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two females kissing each other; but i don't think thare iz much pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order; and two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov deadbeatery.

Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin seems to be az necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with; and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own plumb tree, that would otherwise drop oph, or be stolen.

Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz only tew be had once in a phellow's life, in the original package, and that iz when....

Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny ov mi help.

"WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMING."

What i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little.

Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with the abuv name, and altho i haven't had time tew peerose it yet, i don't hesitate tew pronounse it bully.

Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and tharefore it aint astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery lawyer, and also kno all about pharming.

A pharm, (now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat, and pumkins, run on theory, than it would 60 years ago, run with manure, and hard knoks.

Thare iz nothing like book larning, and the time will evventually cum, when a man, won't hav tew hav only one ov "_Josh Billing's Farmers' Allmanax_," to run a farm, or a kamp meeting with.

Even now it aint unkommon, tew see three, or four, hired men, on a farm, with three, or four, spans ov oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes into the library, and reads himself up for the days' ploughing.

If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized on theory, than tew hav 84 bushels, got in the mean, benighted, and underhanded way, ov our late lamented grand parents.

Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ennyboddy thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) _and they kan_, but this iz the way that poor hotels cum tew be so plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness.

Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint nothing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops.

When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, az thare iz, (now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which remarks, "menny are called, but few are chosen."

I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, I furnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, out of 12, for mi share ov the proffits, and the other phellow, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share.

By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the year.

What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn't start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ.

If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the time tew hunt bees.

I kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with superstishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate post, until they hav had the ground analized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, tew see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post-holes.

This iz what i call running science into the ground.

The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in praktiss: they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss.

Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at him, with a klub in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would split a log.

What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, but I undertook teu brake a kicking heifer once.

I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direkshuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits.

I then sot down, and thought the thing over.

I made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treatiss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kicking heifer trade.

I cum tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking kiking heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, and writing the thing up.

I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer.

I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things i did, but i went in to win, _and won_.

That heifer never bekum a cow.

This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and make up hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef than she iz for theoretick milk.

I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that thare iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of honest labour applied tew the sile.