Chapter CIII: Letter I: found that Will was fallen off from his former Gayety, having (12)

While I was at _Grand Cairo_, I fell into the Acquaintance of a good-natured Mussulman, who promised me many good Offices, which he designed to do me when he became the Prime Minister, which was a Fortune bestowed on his Imagination by a Doctor very deep in the curious Sciences. At his repeated Sollicitations I went to learn my Destiny of this wonderful Sage. For a small Sum I had his Promise, but was requir'd to wait in a dark Apartment till he had run thro' the preparatory Ceremonies. Having a strong Propensity, even then, to Dreaming, I took a Nap upon the Sofa where I was placed, and had the following Vision, the Particulars whereof I picked up the other Day among my Papers.

I found my self in an unbounded Plain, where methought the whole World, in several Habits and with different Tongues, was assembled. The Multitude glided swiftly along, and I found in my self a strong Inclination to mingle in the Train. My Eyes quickly singled out some of the most splendid Figures. Several in rich Caftans and glittering Turbans bustled through the Throng, and trampled over the Bodies of those they threw down; till to my great Surprize I found that the great Pace they went only hastened them to a Scaffold or a Bowstring. Many beautiful Damsels on the other Side moved forward with great Gaiety; some danced till they fell all along; and others painted their Faces till they lost their Noses. A Tribe of Creatures with busie Looks falling into a Fit of Laughter at the Misfortunes of the unhappy Ladies, I turn'd my Eyes upon them. They were each of them filling his Pockets with Gold and Jewels, and when there was no Room left for more, these Wretches looking round with Fear and Horror, pined away before my Face with Famine and Discontent.

This Prospect of human Misery struck me dumb for some Miles. Then it was that, to disburthen my Mind, I took Pen and Ink, and did every Thing that hath since happen'd under my Office of SPECTATOR. While I was employing my self for the Good of Mankind, I was surpriz'd to meet with very unsuitable Returns from my Fellow-Creatures. Never was poor Author so beset with Pamphleteers, who sometimes marched directly against me, but oftner shot at me from strong Bulwarks, or rose up suddenly in Ambush. They were of all Characters and Capacities, some with Ensigns of Dignity, and others in Liveries; but what most surpriz'd me, was to see two or three in black Gowns among my Enemies. It was no small Trouble to me, sometimes to have a Man come up to me with an angry Face, and reproach me for having lampooned him, when I had never seen or heard of him in my Life. With the Ladies it was otherwise: Many became my Enemies for not being particularly pointed out; as there were others who resented the Satyr which they imagined I had directed against them. My great Comfort was in the Company of half a Dozen Friends, who, I found since, were the Club which I have so often mentioned in my Papers. I laughed often at _Sir Roger_ in my Sleep, and was the more diverted with _Will Honeycomb's_ Gallantries, (when we afterwards became acquainted) because I had foreseen his Marriage with a Farmer's Daughter. The Regret which arose in my Mind upon the Death of my Companions, my Anxieties for the Publick, and the many Calamities still fleeting before my Eyes, made me repent my Curiosity; when the Magician entered the Room, and awakened me, by telling me (when it was too late) that he was just going to begin.

_N. B._ I have only deliver'd the Prophecy of that Part of my Life which is past, it being inconvenient to divulge the second Part 'till a more proper Opportunity.

* * * * *

No. 605. Monday, October 11, 1714. Budgell.

'Exuerint sylvestrem animum, cultuque frequenti
In quascunque voces artes, haud tarda sequentur.'

Virg.

Having perused the following Letter, and finding it to run upon the Subject of Love, I referred it to the Learned _Casuist_, whom I have retained in my Service for Speculations of that Kind. He return'd it to me the next Morning with his Report annexed to it, with both of which I shall here present my Reader.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'Finding that you have Entertained an useful Person in your Service in
quality of _Love-Casuist_, [1] I apply my self to you, under a very
great Difficulty, that hath for some Months perplexed me. I have a
Couple of humble Servants, one of which I have no Aversion to; the
other I think of very kindly. The first hath the Reputation of a Man
of good Sense, and is one of those People that your Sex are apt to
Value. My Spark is reckoned a Coxcomb among the Men, but is a
Favourite of the Ladies. If I marry the Man of Worth, as they call
him, I shall oblige my Parents and improve my Fortune; but with my
dear Beau I promise my self Happiness, altho' not a Jointure. Now I
would ask you, whether I should consent to lead my Life with a Man
that I have only no Objection to, or with him against whom all
Objections to me appear frivolous. I am determined to follow the
_Casuist's_ Advice, and I dare say he will not put me upon so serious
a thing as Matrimony, contrary to my Inclination.'

I am, &c.

_Fanny Fickle_.

_P.S._ 'I forgot to tell you, that the pretty Gentleman is the most
complaisant Creature in the World, and is always of my Mind; but the
other, forsooth, fancies he hath as much Wit as my self, slights my
Lap-Dog, and hath the Insolence to contradict me when he thinks I am
not in the Right. About half an Hour ago, he maintained to my Face,
that a Patch always implies a Pimple.'

As I look upon it to be my Duty rather to side with the Parents than the Daughter, I shall propose some Considerations to my Gentle Querist, which may encline her to comply with those, under whose Direction she is: And at the same time, convince her, that it is not impossible but she may, in time, have a true Affection for him who is, at present, indifferent to her: Or, to use the old Family Maxim, that _If she marries first, Love will come after_.

The only Objection, that she seems to insinuate against the Gentleman proposed to her, is his want of Complaisance, which, I perceive, she is very willing to return. Now, I can discover from this very Circumstance, that she and her Lover, whatever they may think of it, are very good Friends in their Hearts. It is difficult to determine, whether Love delights more in giving Pleasure or Pain. Let Miss _Fickle_ ask her own Heart, if she doth not take a Secret Pride in making this Man of good Sense look very silly. Hath she ever been better pleas'd, than when her Behaviour hath made her Lover ready to hang himself? Or doth she ever rejoice more, than when she thinks she hath driven him to the very Brink of a purling Stream? Let her consider, at the same time, that it is not impossible but her Lover may have discovered her Tricks, and hath a Mind to give her as good as she brings. I remember a handsome young Baggage that treated a hopeful _Greek_ of my Acquaintance, just come from _Oxford_, as if he had been a _Barbarian_. The first Week, after she had fixed him, she took a Pinch of Snuff out of his Rival's Box, and apparently touched the Enemy's little Finger. She became a profest Enemy to the Arts and Sciences, and scarce ever wrote a Letter to him without wilfully mis-spelling his Name. The young Scholar, to be even with her, railed at _Coquettes_ as soon as he had got the Word; and did not want Parts to turn into Ridicule her Men of Wit and Pleasure of the Town. After having irritated one another for the Space of five Months, she made an Assignation with him fourscore Miles from _London_. But as he was very well acquainted with her Pranks, he took a Journey the quite contrary Way. Accordingly they met, quarrell'd, and in a few Days were Married. Their former Hostilities are now the Subject of their Mirth, being content at present with that Part of Love only which bestows Pleasure.

Women, who have been married some time, not having it in their Heads to draw after them a numerous Train of Followers, find their Satisfaction in the Possession of one Man's Heart. I know very well, that Ladies in their Bloom desire to be excused in this Particular. But when Time hath worn out their natural Vanity and taught them Discretion, their Fondness settles on its proper Object. And it is probably for this Reason, that among Husbands, you will find more that are fond of Women beyond their Prime, than of those who are actually in the Insolence of Beauty. My Reader will apply the same Observation to the other Sex.

I need not insist upon the Necessity of their pursuing one common Interest, and their united Care, for their Children; but shall only observe, by the Way, that married Persons are both more warm in their Love, and more hearty in their Hatred, than any others whatsoever. Mutual Favours and Obligations, which may be supposed to be greater here than in any other State, naturally beget an Intense Affection in generous Minds. As, on the contrary, Persons who have bestowed such Favours, have a particular Bitterness in their Resentments, when they think themselves ill treated by those of whom they have deserved so much.

Besides, Miss _Fickle_ may consider, that as there are often many Faults conceal'd before Marriage, so there are sometimes many Virtues unobserv'd.

To this we may add the great Efficacy of Custom, and constant Conversation, to produce a mutual Friendship and Benevolence in two Persons. It is a nice Reflection, which I have heard a Friend of mine make, that you may be sure a Woman loves a Man, when she uses his Expressions, tells his Stories, or imitates his Manner. This gives a secret Delight; for Imitation is a kind of artless Flattery, and mightily favours the powerful Principle of Self-love. It is certain, that married Persons, who are possest with a mutual Esteem, not only catch the Air and way of Talk from one another, but fall into the same Traces of thinking and liking. Nay, some have carried the Remark so far as to assert, that the Features of Man and Wife grow, in time, to resemble one another. Let my fair Correspondent therefore consider, that the Gentleman recommended will have a good deal of her own Face in two or three Years; which she must not expect from the Beau, who is too full of his dear self to copy after another. And I dare appeal to her own Judgment, if that Person will not be the handsomest, that is the most like her self.

We have a remarkable Instance to our present Purpose in the History of King _Edgar_, which I shall here relate, and leave it with my fair Correspondent to be applied to her self.

This great Monarch, who is so famous in _British_ Story, fell in Love, as he made his Progress through his Kingdom, with a certain Duke's Daughter who lived near _Winchester_, and was the most celebrated Beauty of the Age. His Importunities and the Violence of his Passion were so great, that the Mother of the young Lady promised him to bring her Daughter to his Bed the next Night, though in her Heart she abhorr'd so infamous an Office. It was no sooner dark than she convey'd into his Room a young Maid of no disagreeable Figure, who was one of her Attendants, and did not want Address to improve the Opportunity for the Advancement of her Fortune. She made so good use of her Time, that when she offered to rise a little before Day, the King could by no means think of parting with her. So that finding herself under a Necessity of discovering who she was, she did it in so handsome a Manner, that his Majesty was exceeding gracious to her, and took her ever after under his Protection; insomuch that our Chronicles tell us he carried her along with him, made her his first Minister of State, and continued true to her alone, 'till his Marriage with the beautiful _Elfrida_.

[Footnote 1: See Nos. 591, 602, 614, 623, 625.]

* * * * *

No. 606. Wednesday, October 13, 1714.

'--longum cantu solata laborem
Arguto Conjux percurrit pectine Telas.'

Virg.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'I have a couple of Nieces under my Direction, who so often run
gadding abroad, that I don't know where to have them. Their Dress,
their Tea, and their Visits take up all their Time, and they go to Bed
as tired with doing nothing, as I am after quilting a whole
Under-Petticoat. The only time they are not idle, is while they read
your SPECTATORS; which being dedicated to the Interests of Virtue, I
desire you to recommend the long neglected Art of Needle-work. Those
Hours which in this Age are thrown away in Dress, Play, Visits, and
the like, were employ'd, in my time, in writing out Receipts, or
working Beds, Chairs, and Hangings for the Family. For my Part, I have
ply'd my Needle these fifty Years, and by my good Will would never
have it out of my Hand. It grieves my Heart to see a couple of proud
idle Flirts sipping their Tea, for a whole Afternoon, in a Room hung
round with the Industry of their Great Grandmother. Pray, Sir, take
the laudable Mystery of Embroidery into your serious Consideration,
and as you have a great deal of the Virtue of the last Age in you,
continue your Endeavours to reform the present.'

_I am_, &c.

In Obedience to the Commands of my venerable Correspondent, I have duly weigh'd this important Subject, and promise my self, from the Arguments here laid down, that all the fine Ladies of _England_ will be ready, as soon as their Mourning is over, [1] to appear covered with the Work of their own Hands.

What a delightful Entertainment must it be to the Fair Sex, whom their native Modesty, and the Tenderness of Men towards them, exempts from Publick Business, to pass their Hours in imitating Fruits and Flowers, and transplanting all the Beauties of Nature into their own Dress, or raising a new Creation in their Closets and Apartments. How pleasing is the Amusement of walking among the Shades and Groves planted by themselves, in surveying Heroes slain by their Needle, or little Cupids which they have brought into the World without Pain!

This is, methinks, the most proper way wherein a Lady can shew a fine Genius, and I cannot forbear wishing, that several Writers of that Sex had chosen to apply themselves rather to Tapestry than Rhime. Your Pastoral Poetesses may vent their Fancy in Rural Landskips, and place despairing Shepherds under silken Willows, or drown them in a Stream of Mohair. The Heroick Writers may work up Battles as successfully, and inflame them with Gold or stain them with Crimson. Even those who have only a Turn to a Song or an Epigram, may put many valuable Stitches into a Purse, and crowd a thousand Graces into a Pair of Garters.

If I may, without breach of good Manners, imagine that any pretty Creature is void of Genius, and would perform her Part herein but very awkardly, I must nevertheless insist upon her working, if it be only to keep her out of Harm's way.

Another Argument for busying good Women in Works of Fancy, is, because it takes them off from Scandal, the usual Attendant of Tea-Tables, and all other unactive Scenes of Life. While they are forming their Birds and Beasts, their Neighbours will be allowed to be the Fathers of their own Children: And _Whig_ and _Tory_ will be but seldom mentioned, where the great Dispute is, whether Blue or Red is the more proper Colour. How much greater Glory would _Sophronia_ do the General, if she would chuse rather to work the Battle of _Blenheim_ in Tapestry, than signalize her self with so much Vehemence against those who are _Frenchmen_ in their Hearts.

A Third Reason that I shall mention, is the Profit that is brought to the Family where these pretty Arts are encouraged. It is manifest that this way of Life not only keeps fair Ladies from running out into Expences, but is at the same time an actual Improvement. How memorable would that Matron be, who should have it Inscribed upon her Monument, 'that she Wrought out the whole Bible in Tapestry, and died in a good old Age, after having covered three hundred Yards of Wall in the Mansion-House.'

The Premises being consider'd, I humbly submit the following Proposals to all Mothers in _Great Britain_.

I. That no young Virgin whatsoever be allow'd to receive the Addresses
of her first Lover, but in a Suit of her own Embroidering.

II. That before every fresh Servant, she be oblig'd to appear with a
new Stomacher at the least.

III. That no one be actually married, till she hath the Child-bed
Pillows, &c. ready Stitched, as likewise the Mantle for the Boy quite
finished.

These Laws, if I mistake not, would effectually restore the decay'd Art of Needle-work, and make the Virgins of _Great Britain_ exceedingly Nimble-finger'd in their Business.

There is a memorable Custom of the _Grecian_ Ladies in this particular, preserv'd in _Homer_, which I hope will have a very good Effect with my Country-women. A Widow in Ancient Times could not, without Indecency, receive a second Husband, till she had Woven a Shrowd for her deceased Lord, or the next of Kin to him. Accordingly, the Chaste _Penelope_ having, as she thought, lost _Ulysses_ at Sea, she employed her time in preparing a Winding-sheet for _Laertes_, the Father of her Husband. The Story of her Web being very Famous, and yet not sufficiently known in its several Circumstances, I shall give it to my Reader, as _Homer_ makes one of her Wooers relate it.

'Sweet Hope she gave to every Youth apart,
With well-taught Looks, and a deceitful Heart:
A Web she wove of many a slender Twine,
Of curious Texture, and perplext Design;
My Youths, she cry'd, my Lord but newly dead,
Forbear a while to court my widow'd Bed,
'Till I have wov'n, as solemn Vows require,
This Web, a Shrowd for poor_ Ulysses' _Sire.
His Limbs, when Fate the Hero's Soul demands,
Shall claim this Labour of his Daughter's Hands:
Lest all the Dames of Greece my Name despise,
While the great King without a Covering lies.

Thus she. Nor did my Friends mistrust the Guile.
All Day she sped the long laborious Toil:
But when the burning Lamps supply'd the Sun,
Each Night unravell'd what the Day begun.
Three live-long Summers did the Fraud prevail.
The Fourth her Maidens told th' amazing Tale.
These Eyes beheld, as close I took my Stand,
The backward Labours of her faithless Hand:
'Till watch'd at length, and press'd on every Side,
Her Task she ended, and commenc'd a Bride.'

[Footnote 1: Public Mourning for Q. Anne, who died Aug. 1, 1714.]

* * * * *

No. 607. Friday, October 15, 1714.

'Dicite Iö Pæan, et Iö bis dicite Pæan:
Decidit in casses præda petita meos.'

Ovid.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'Having in your Paper of _Monday_ last [1] published my Report on the
Case of Mrs. _Fanny Fickle_, wherein I have taken Notice, that Love
comes after Marriage; I hope your Readers are satisfied of this Truth,
that as Love generally produces Matrimony, so it often happens that
Matrimony produces Love.

'It perhaps requires more Virtues to make a good Husband or Wife, than
what go the finishing any the most shining Character whatsoever.

'Discretion seems absolutely necessary, and accordingly we find that
the best Husbands have been most famous for their Wisdom. _Homer_, who
hath drawn a perfect Pattern of a prudent Man, to make it the more
compleat, hath celebrated him for the just Returns of Fidelity and
Truth to his _Penelope_; insomuch that he refused the Caresses of a
Goddess for her sake, and to use the Expression of the best of Pagan
Authors, _vetulam suam prætulit Immortalitati_, his old Woman was
dearer to him than Immortality.

'Virtue is the next necessary Qualification for this domestick
Character, as it naturally produces Constancy and mutual Esteem. Thus
_Brutus_ and _Porcia_ were more remarkable for Virtue and Affection
than any others of the Age in which they lived.

'Good-Nature is a third necessary Ingredient in the Marriage-State,
without which it would inevitably sower upon a thousand Occasions.
When Greatness of Mind is joined with this amiable Quality, it
attracts the Admiration and Esteem of all who behold it. Thus _Cæsar_,
not more remarkable for his Fortune and Valour than for his Humanity,
stole into the Hearts of the _Roman_ People, when breaking through the
Custom, he pronounced an Oration at the Funeral of his first and best
beloved Wife.

'Good-Nature is insufficient, unless it be steady and uniform, and
accompanied with an Evenness of Temper, which is, above all things, to
be preserved in this Friendship contracted for Life. A Man must be
easie within himself, before he can be so to his other self.
_Socrates_, and _Marcus Aurelius_, are Instances of Men, who, by the
Strength of Philosophy, having entirely composed their Minds, and
subdued their Passions, are celebrated for good Husbands,
notwithstanding the first was yoked with _Xantippe_, and the other
with _Faustina_. If the wedded Pair would but habituate themselves for
the first Year to bear with one another's Faults, the Difficulty would
be pretty well conquer'd. This mutual Sweetness of Temper and
Complacency, was finely recommended in the Nuptial Ceremonies among
the Heathens, who, when they sacrificed to _Juno_ at that Solemnity,
always tore out the Gaul from the Entrails of the Victim, and cast it
behind the Altar.

'I shall conclude this Letter with a Passage out of Dr. _Plot's
Natural History of Staffordshire_, not only as it will serve to fill
up your present Paper; but if I find my self in the Humour, may give
Rise to another; I having by me an old Register, belonging to the
Place here under-mentioned.'

Sir _Philip de Somervile_ held the Manors of _Whichenovre,
Scirescot, Ridware, Netherton_, and _Cowlee_, all in _Com.
Stafford_, of the Earls of _Lancaster_, by this memorable Service.
The said Sir _Philip_ shall find, maintain, and sustain, one _Bacon
Flitch_, hanging in his Hall at _Whichenovre_ ready arrayed all
times of the Year, but in _Lent_, to be given to every Man or Woman
married, after the Day and the Year of their Marriage be past, in
Form following.

Whensoever that any one such before named will come to enquire for
the Bacon, in their own Person, they shall come to the Bailiff, or
to the Porter of the Lordship of _Whichenovre_, and shall say to
them in the manner as ensueth;

'Bayliff, or Porter, I doo you to know, that I am come for my self,
to demand one _Bacon Flyke_ hanging in the Hall of the Lord of
_Whichenovre_, after the Form thereunto belonging.'

After which Relation, the Bayliff or Porter shall assign a Day to
him, upon Promise by his Faith to return, and with him to bring
Twain of his Neighbours. And in the mean Time the said Bailiff shall
take with him Twain of the Freeholders of the Lordship of
_Whichenovre_, and they three shall go to the Manor of _Rudlow_,
belonging to _Robert Knightleye_, and there shall summon the
aforesaid _Knightleye_, or his Bayliff, commanding him to be ready
at _Whichenovre_ the Day appointed, at Prime of Day, with his
Carriage, that is to say, a Horse and a Saddle, a Sack and a Pryke,
for to convey the said Bacon and Corn a Journey out of the County of
_Stafford_, at his Costages. And then the said Bailiff shall, with
the said Freeholders, summon all the Tenants of the said Manor, to
be ready at the Day appointed, at _Whichenovre_, for to do and
perform the Services which they owe to the Bacon. And at the Day
assigned, all such as owe Services to the Bacon, shall be ready at
the Gate of the Manor of _Whichenovre_, from the Sun-rising to Noon,
attending and awaiting for the coming of him who fetcheth the Bacon.
And when he is come, there shall be delivered to him and his
Fellows, Chapelets; and to all those which shall be there, to do
their Services due to the Bacon. And they shall lead the said
Demandant with Trumps and Tabours, and other manner of Minstrels to
the Hall-Door, where he shall find the Lord of _Whichenovre_, or his
Steward, ready to deliver the Bacon in this Manner.

He shall enquire of him, which demandeth the Bacon, if he have
brought twain of his Neighbours with him: Which must answer, _They
be here ready_. And then the Steward shall cause these two
Neighbours to swear, if the said Demandant be a wedded Man, or have
been a Man wedded; and if since his Marriage one Year and a Day be
past; and if he be a Free-man, or a Villain. And if his said
Neighbours make Oath, that he hath for him all these three Points
rehearsed; then shall the Bacon be taken down and brought to the
Hall-Door, and shall there be laid upon one half Quarter of Wheat,
and upon one other of Rye. And he that demandeth the Bacon shall
kneel upon his Knee, and shall hold his right Hand upon a Book,
which Book shall be laid upon the Bacon and the Corn, and shall make
Oath in this manner.

'Here ye, Sir _Philip_ de _Somervile_, Lord of _Whichenovre_,
mayntener and gyver of this Baconne: That I _A_ sithe I Wedded _B_
my Wife, and sithe I had hyr in my kepyng, and at my Wylle, by a
Year and a Day after our Marriage, I would not have chaunged for
none other; farer ne fowler; richer, ne pourer; ne for none other
descended of greater Lynage; slepyng ne wakyng, at noo tyme. And if
the seyd _B_ were sole and I sole I would take her to be my Wife
before all the Wymen of the Worlde, of what condiciones soever they
be: good or evylle, as help me God ond his Seyntes, and this Flesh
and all Fleshes.'

And his Neighbours shall make Oath, that they trust verily he hath
said truly. And if it be found by his Neighbours before-named that
he be a Free-man, there shall be delivered to him half a Quarter of
Wheat and a Cheese; and if he be a Villain, he shall have half a
Quarter of Rye without Cheese. And then shall _Knightleye_ the Lord
of _Rudlow_ be called for, to carry all these Things tofore
rehearsed; and the said Corn shall be laid on one Horse and the
Bacon above it: and he to whom the Bacon appertaineth shall ascend
upon his Horse; and shall take the Cheese before him if he have a
Horse. And if he have none, the Lord of _Whichenovre_ shall cause
him to have one Horse and Saddle, to such time as he be past his
Lordship: and so shall they depart the Manor of _Whichenovre_ with
the Corn and the Bacon, tofore him that hath won it, with Trumpets,
Tabourets, and other manner of Minstrelsie. And all the Free Tenants
of _Whichenovre_ shall Conduct him to be passed the Lordship of
_Whichenovre_. And then shall they all return; except him, to whom
appertained to make the Carriage and Journey without the County of
_Stafford_, at the Costs of his Lord of _Whichenovre_.

* * * * *

No. 608. Monday, October 18, 1714. Addison. [1]

'--Perjuria ridet Amantum--'

Ovid.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'According to my Promise, I herewith transmit to you a List of several
Persons, who from time to time demanded the _Flitch of Bacon_ of Sir
_Philip de Somervile_ and his Descendants; as it is preserved in an
ancient Manuscript under the Title of _The Register of
Whichenovre-Hall, and of the Bacon Flitch there maintained_.

'In the Beginning of this Record is recited the Law or Institution in
Form, as it is already printed in your last Paper: To which are added
Two By-Laws, as a Comment upon the General Law, the Substance whereof
is, that the Wife shall take the same Oath as the Husband, _mutatis
mutandis_; and that the Judges shall, as they think meet, interrogate
or cross-examine the Witnesses. After this proceeds the Register in
Manner following.

'Aubry de Falstaff, _Son of Sir_ John Falstaff, _Kt. with Dame_ Maude
_his Wife, were the first that demanded the Bacon, he having bribed
twain of his Father's Companions to swear falsly in his Behoof whereby
he gained the Flitch: But he and his said Wife falling immediately
into a Dispute how the said Bacon should be dressed, it was by Order
of the Judges taken from him, and hung up again in the Hall._

'Alison _the Wife of_ Stephen Freckle, _brought her said Husband along
with her, and set forth the good Conditions and Behaviour of her
Consort, adding withal that she doubted not but he was ready to attest
the like of her, his Wife; whereupon he, the said_ Stephen, _shaking
his Head, she turned short upon him, and gave him a Box on the Ear_.

'Philip de Waverland, _having laid his Hand upon the Book, when the
Clause_, Were I sole and she sole, _was rehearsed, found a secret
Compunction rising in his Mind, and stole it off again_.

'Richard de Loveless, _who was a Courtier, and a very wellbred Man,
being observed to hesitate at the Words_ after our Marriage, _was
thereupon required to explain himself. He reply'd, by talking very
largely of his exact Complaisance while he was a Lover; and alledg'd,
that he had not in the least disobliged his Wife for a Year and a Day_
before _Marriage, which he hoped was the same Thing_.

'Rejected.

'Joceline Jolly, _Esq., making it appear by unquestionable Testimony,
That he and his Wife had presented full and entire Affection for the
Space of the first Month, commonly called the_ Honey-Moon; _he had in
Consideration thereof one Rasher bestowed upon him_.

'After this, says the Record, many Years passed over before any
Demandant appeared at _Whichenovre-Hall_; insomuch that one would have
thought that the whole Country were turned _Jews_, so little was their
Affection to the Flitch of Bacon.

'The next Couple enrolled had like to have carried it, if one of the
Witnesses had not deposed, That dining on a _Sunday_ with the
Demandant, whose Wife had sate below the Squire's Lady at Church, she
the said Wife dropped some Expressions, as if she thought her Husband
deserved to be knighted; to which he returned a passionate _Pish_! The
Judges taking the Premises into Consideration, declared the aforesaid
Behaviour to imply an unwarrantable Ambition in the Wife, and Anger in
the Husband.

'It is recorded as a sufficient Disqualification of a certain Wife,
that speaking of her Husband, she said, _God forgive him_.

'It is likewise remarkable, that a Couple were rejected upon the
Deposition of one of their Neighbours, that the Lady had once told her
Husband, that _it was her Duty to obey_; to which he replied, _Oh! my
Dear, you are never in the wrong_.

'The violent Passion of one Lady for her Lap-Dog; the turning away of
the old House-Maid by another; a Tavern-Bill torn by the Wife, and a
Taylor's by the Husband; a Quarrel about the Kissing-Crust; spoiling
of Dinners, and coming in late of Nights; are so many several Articles
which occasioned the Reprobation of some Scores of Demandants, whose
Names are recorded in the aforesaid Register.

'Without enumerating other particular Persons, I shall content my self
with observing, that the Sentence pronounced against one _Gervase
Poacher_ is, that _he might have had Bacon to his Eggs, if he had not
heretofore scolded his Wife when they were over boiled_. And the
Deposition against _Dorothy Dolittle_ runs in these Words; _That she
had so far usuped the Dominion of the Coalfire, (the Stirring whereof
her Husband claimed to himself) that by her good Will she never would
suffer the Poker out of her Hand._

'I find but two Couples, in this first Century, that were successful:
The first, was a Sea-Captain and his Wife, who since the Day of their
Marriage, had not seen one another till the Day of the Claim. The
Second, was an honest Pair in the Neighbourhood; The Husband was a Man
of plain good Sense, and a peaceable Temper; the Woman was dumb.'

[Footnote 1: Lord Macaulay, in a letter published p. 1433 ... of Mr. Bohn's edition of Lowndes's 'Bibliographer's Manual', calls this paper 'undoubtedly Addison's, and one of his best,' although not claimed, because he could not own it without admitting what Lord Macaulay rightly considered quite as obvious, his authorship of No. 623. Addison wrote, evidently, some other of these unappropriated papers.]

* * * * *

No. 609. Wednesday, October 20, 1714.

'--Farrago libelli--'

Juv.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'I have for some Time desired to appear in your Paper, and have
therefore chosen a Day [1] to steal into the SPECTATOR, when I take it
for granted you will not have many spare Minutes for Speculations of
your own. As I was the other Day walking with an honest
Country-Gentleman, he very often was expressing his Astonishment to
see the Town so mightily crowded with Doctors of Divinity: Upon which
I told him he was very much mistaken if he took all those Gentlemen he
saw in Scarfs to be Persons of that Dignity; for, that a young Divine,
after his first Degree in the University, usually comes hither only to
show himself; and on that Occasion is apt to think he is but half
equipp'd with a Gown and Cassock for his publick Appearance, if he
hath not the additional Ornament of a Scarf of the first Magnitude to
intitle him to the Appellation of Doctor from his Landlady and the Boy
at _Childs_. Now since I know that this Piece of Garniture is looked
upon as a Mark of Vanity or Affectation, as it is made use of among
some of the little spruce Adventurers of the Town, I should be glad if
you would give it a Place among those Extravagancies you have justly
exposed in several of your Papers: being very well assured that the
main Body of the Clergy, both in the Country and the Universities, who
are almost to a Man untainted with it, would be very well pleased to
see this Venerable Foppery well exposed. When my Patron did me the
Honour to take me into his Family, (for I must own my self of this
Order) he was pleased to say he took me as a Friend and Companion; and
whether he looked upon the Scarf like the Lace and Shoulder-knot of a
Footman, as a Badge of Servitude and Dependance, I do not know, but he
was so kind as to leave my wearing of it to my own Discretion; and not
having any just Title to it from my Degrees, I am content to be
without the Ornament. The Privileges of our Nobility to keep a certain
Number of Chaplains are undisputed, though perhaps not one in ten of
those reverend Gentlemen have any Relation to the noble Families their
Scarfs belong to; the Right generally of creating all Chaplains except
the Domestick, where there is one, being nothing more than the
Perquisite of a Steward's Place, who, if he happens to out-live any
considerable Number of his noble Masters, shall probably, at one and
the same Time, have fifty Chaplains, all in their proper
Accoutrements, of his own Creation; though perhaps there hath been
neither Grace nor Prayer said in the Family since the Introduction of
the first Coronet.'

_I am_, &c.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'I wish you would write a Philosophical Paper about Natural
Antipathies, with a Word or two concerning the Strength of
Imagination. I can give you a List upon the first Notice, of a
Rational _China_ Cup, of an Egg that walks upon two Legs, and a Quart
Pot that sings like a Nightingale. There is in my Neighbourhood a very
pretty prattling Shoulder of Veal, that squawls out at the Sight of a
Knife. Then as for Natural Antipathies, I know a General Officer who
was never conquered but by a smother'd Rabbit; and a Wife that
domineers over her Husband by the Help of a Breast of Mutton. A Story
that relates to my self on this Subject may be thought not
unentertaining, especially when I assure you that it is literally
true. I had long made Love to a Lady, in the Possession of whom I am
now the happiest of Mankind, whose Hand I shou'd have gained with much
Difficulty without the Assistance of a Cat. You must know then, that
my most dangerous Rival had so strong an Aversion to this Species,
that he infallibly swooned away at the Sight of that harmless
Creature. My Friend Mrs. _Lucy_, her Maid, having a greater Respect
for me and my Purse than she had for my Rival, always took Care to pin
the Tail of a Cat under the Gown of her Mistress, whenever she knew of
his coming; which had such an Effect, that every Time he entred the
Room, he looked more like one of the Figures in Mrs. _Salmon's_
Wax-work, than a desirable Lover. In short, he grew Sick of her
Company; which the young Lady taking Notice of, (who no more knew why,
than he did) she sent me a Challenge to meet her in _Lincoln's-Inn_
Chappel, which I joyfully accepted, and have (amongst other Pleasures)
the Satisfaction of being praised by her for my Stratagem, I am, &c.'

_From the Hoop_.

Tom. Nimble.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'The Virgins of _Great Britain_ are very much oblig'd to you for
putting them upon such tedious Drudgeries in Needlework as were fit
only for the _Hilpa's_ and the _Nilpa's_ that lived before the Flood.
Here's a stir indeed with your Histories in Embroidery, your Groves
with Shades of Silk and Streams of Mohair! I would have you to know,
that I hope to kill a hundred Lovers before the best Housewife in
_England_ can stitch out a Battel, and do not fear but to provide Boys
and Girls much faster than your Disciples can embroider them. I love
Birds and Beasts as well as you, but am content to fancy them when
they are really made. What do you think of Gilt Leather for Furniture?
There's your pretty Hangings for a Chamber; [2] and what is more, our
own Country is the only Place in _Europe_ where Work of that kind is
tolerably done. Without minding your musty Lessons: I am this Minute
going to _Paul's_ Church-Yard to bespeak a Skreen and a Set of
Hangings; and am resolved to encourage the Manufacture of my Country.'

_Yours_,

CLEORA.

[Footnote 1: Oct. 20, 1714, was the day of the Coronation of George I.]

[Footnote 2: There was at this time a celebrated manufactory of tapestry at Chelsea.]

* * * * *

No. 610 Friday, October 22, 1714.

'Sic, cum transierint mei
Nullo cum strepitu dies,
Plebeius moriar senex.
Illi mors gravis incubat,
Qui, notus nimis omnibus,
Ignotus moritur sibi.'

Seneca.

I have often wondered that the _Jews_ should contrive such a worthless Greatness for the Deliverer whom they expected, as to dress him up in external Pomp and Pageantry, and represent him to their Imagination, as making Havock amongst his Creatures, and acted with the poor Ambition of a _Cæsar_ or an _Alexander_. How much more illustrious doth he appear in his real Character, when considered as the Author of universal Benevolence among Men, as refining our Passions, exalting our Nature, giving us vast Ideas of Immortality, and teaching us a Contempt of that little showy Grandeur, wherein the _Jews_ made the Glory of their Messiah to consist!

_Nothing_ (says _Longinus_) _can be Great, the Contempt of which is Great_. The Possession of Wealth and Riches cannot give a Man a Title to Greatness, because it is looked upon as a Greatness of Mind, to contemn these Gifts of Fortune, and to be above the Desire of them. I have therefore been inclined to think, that there are greater Men who lie concealed among the Species, than those who come out, and draw upon themselves the Eyes and Admiration of Mankind. _Virgil_ would never have been heard of, had not his Domestick Misfortunes driven him out of his Obscurity, and brought him to _Rome_.

If we suppose that there are Spirits or Angels who look into the Ways of Men, as it is highly probable there are, both from Reason and Revelation; how different are the Notions which they entertain of us, from those which we are apt to form of one another? Were they to give us in their Catalogue of such Worthies as are now living, how different would it be from that, which any of our own Species would draw up?

We are dazled with the Splendour of Titles, the Ostentation of Learning, the Noise of Victories; They, on the contrary, see the Philosopher in the Cottage, who possesses his Soul in Patience and Thankfulness, under the Pressure of what little Minds call Poverty and Distress. They do not look for great Men at the Head of Armies, or among the Pomps of a Court, but often find them out in Shades and Solitudes, in the private Walks and By-paths of Life. The Evening's Walk of a wise Man is more illustrious in their Sight, than the March of a General at the Head of a hundred thousand Men. A Contemplation of God's Works; a voluntary Act of Justice to our own Detriment; a generous Concern for the Good of Mankind; Tears that are shed in Silence for the Misery of others; a private Desire or Resentment broken and subdued; in short, an unfeigned Exercise of Humility, or any other Virtue; are such Actions as are glorious in their Sight, and denominate Men great and reputable. The most famous among us are often looked upon with Pity, with Contempt, or with Indignation; while those who are most obscure among their own Species, are regarded with Love, with Approbation and Esteem.

The Moral of the present Speculation amounts to this, That we should not be led away by the Censures and Applauses of Men, but consider the Figure that every Person will make, at that Time when Wisdom shall be justified of her Children, and nothing pass for Great or Illustrious, which is not an Ornament and Perfection to humane Nature.

The Story of _Gyges_ the rich _Lydian_ Monarch, is a memorable Instance to our present Purpose. The Oracle being asked by _Gyges_, who was the happiest Man, replied _Agla¸s_. _Gyges_, who expected to have heard himself named on this Occasion, was much surprized, and very curious to know who this _Agla¸s_ should be. After much Enquiry he was found to be an obscure Countryman, who employ'd all his Time in cultivating a Garden, and a few Acres of Land about his House.

_Cowley's_ agreeable Relation of this Story shall close this Day's Speculation.

'Thus_ Agla¸s _(a Man unknown to Men,
But the Gods knew, and therefore lov'd him then)
Thus liv'd obscurely then without a Name,_
Agla¸s, _now consign'd t' eternal Fame.
For _Gyges_, the rich King, wicked and great,
Presum'd at wise_ Apollo's Delphick_ Seat,
Presum'd to ask, Oh thou, the whole World's Eye,
See'st thou a Man that happier is than I?
The God, who scorned to flatter Man, reply'd,
_Agla¸s _happier is. But _Gyges_ cry'd,
In a proud Rage, Who can that_ Agla¸s_ be?
We've heard as yet of no such King as he.
And true it was, through the whole Earth around,
No King of such a Name was to be found.
Is some old _Hero_ of that Name alive,
Who his high Race does from the Gods derive?
Is it some mighty Gen'ral, that has done
Wonders in Fight, and God-like Honours won?
Is it some Man of endless Wealth? said he:
None, none of these; who can this Agla¸s be?
After long Search, and vain Enquiries past,
In an obscure_ Arcadian _Vale at last,
(Th'_ Arcadian _Life has always shady been)
Near_ Sopho's _Town (which he but once had seen)
This_ Agla¸s, _who Monarchs Envy drew,
Whose Happiness the Gods stood Witness to,
This mighty_ Agla¸s _was lab'ring found,
With his own Hands, in his own little Ground.

So, gracious God, (if it may lawful be,
Among those foolish Gods to mention thee)
So let me act, on such a private Stage,
The last dull Scenes of my declining Age;
After long Toils and Voyages in vain,
This quiet Port let my toss'd Vessel gain;
Of heav'nly Rest, this Earnest to me lend,
Let my Life sleep, and learn to love her End.'

* * * * *

No. 611. Monday, October 25, 1714.

'Perfide! sed duris genuit te cautibus horrens
Caucasus, Hircanæque admórunt ubera tigres.'

Virg.

I am willing to postpone every thing, to do any the least Service for the Deserving and Unfortunate. Accordingly I have caused the following Letter to be inserted in my Paper the Moment that it came to my Hands, without altering one Tittle in an Account which the Lady relates so handsomely her self.

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

'I flatter my self, you will not only pity, but, if possible, redress
a Misfortune my self and several others of my Sex lie under. I hope
you will not be offended, nor think I mean by this to justifie my own
imprudent Conduct, or expect You should. No! I am sensible how
severely, in some of your former Papers, you have reproved Persons
guilty of the like Mismanagements. I was scarce Sixteen, and, I may
say without Vanity, Handsome, when courted by a false perjured Man;
who, upon Promise of Marriage, rendered me the most unhappy of Women.
After he had deluded me from my Parents, who were People of very good
Fashion, in less than three Months he left me. My Parents would not
see, nor hear from me; and had it not been for a Servant, who had
lived in our Family, I must certainly have perished for want of Bread.
However, it pleased Providence, in a very short time, to alter my
miserable Condition. A Gentleman saw me, liked me, and married me. My
Parents were reconciled; and I might be as happy in the Change of my
Condition, as I was before miserable, but for some things, that you
shall know, which are insupportable to me; and I am sure you have so
much Honour and Compassion as to let those Persons know, in some of
your Papers, how much they are in the wrong. I have been married near
five Years, and do not know that in all that time I ever went abroad
without my Husband's Leave and Approbation. I am obliged, through the
Importunities of several of my Relations, to go abroad oftner than
suits my Temper. Then it is, I labour under insupportable Agonies.
That Man, or rather Monster, haunts every Place I go to. Base Villain!
By reason I will not admit his nauseous wicked Visits and
Appointments, he strives all the ways he can to ruin me. He left me
destitute of Friend or Money, nor ever thought me worth enquiring
after, till he unfortunately happened to see me in a Front Box,
sparkling with Jewels. Then his Passion returned. Then the Hypocrite
pretended to be a Penitent. Then he practised all those Arts that
helped before to undo me. I am not to be deceived a second time by
him. I hate and abhor his odious Passion; and, as he plainly perceives
it, either out of Spight or Diversion, he makes it his Business to
expose me. I never fail seeing him in all publick Company, where he is
always most industriously spightful. He hath, in short, told all his
Acquaintance of our unhappy Affair, they tell theirs; so that it is no
Secret among his Companions, which are numerous. They, to whom he
tells it, think they have a Title to be very familiar. If they bow to
me, and I out of good Manners return it, then I am pester'd with
Freedoms that are no ways agreeable to my self or Company. If I turn
my Eyes from them, or seem displeased, they sower upon it, and whisper
the next Person; he his next; 'till I have at last the Eyes of the
whole Company upon me. Nay, they report abominable Falshoods, under
that mistaken Notion, _She that will grant Favours to one Man, will to
a hundred_. I beg you will let those who are guilty, know, how
ungenerous this way of Proceeding is. I am sure he will know himself
the Person aim'd at, and perhaps put a stop to the Insolence of
others. Cursed is the Fate of unhappy Women! that Men may boast and
glory in those things that we must think of with Shame and Horror! You
have the Art of making such odious Customs appear detestable. For my
Sake, and I am sure, for the Sake of several others, who dare not own
it, but, like me, lie under the same Misfortunes, make it as infamous
for a Man to boast of Favours, or expose our Sex, as it is to take the
Lie or a Box on the Ear, and not resent it.'
_Your Constant Reader,
and Admirer,_
LESBIA.

P. S. 'I am the more Impatient under this Misfortune, having receiv'd
fresh Provocation, last Wednesday, in the Abbey.'

I entirely agree with the amiable and unfortunate _LESBIA_, that an Insult upon a Woman in her Circumstances, is as infamous in a Man, as a tame Behaviour when the Lie or a Buffet is given; which Truth, I shall beg leave of her to illustrate by the following Observation.

It is a Mark of Cowardice passively to forbear resenting an Affront, the Resenting of which would lead a Man into Danger; it is no less a Sign of Cowardice to affront a Creature, that hath not Power to avenge it self. Whatever Name therefore this ungenerous Man may bestow on the helpless Lady he hath injur'd, I shall not scruple to give him in return for it, the Appellation of _Coward_.

A Man, that can so far descend from his Dignity, as to strike a Lady, can never recover his Reputation with either Sex, because no Provocation is thought strong enough to justifie such Treatment from the Powerful towards the Weak. In the Circumstances, in which poor _LESBIA_ is situated, she can appeal to no Man whatsoever to avenge an Insult, more grievous than a Blow. If she could open her Mouth, the base Man knows, that a Husband, a Brother, a generous Friend would die to see her righted.

A generous Mind, however enrag'd against an Enemy, feels its Resentments sink and vanish away, when the Object of its Wrath falls into its Power. An estranged Friend, filled with Jealousie and Discontent towards a Bosom-Acquaintance, is apt to overflow with Tenderness and Remorse, when a Creature, that was once dear to him, undergoes any Misfortune. What Name then shall we give to his Ingratitude, (who forgetting the Favours he sollicited with Eagerness, and receiv'd with Rapture) can insult the Miseries that he himself caused, and make Sport with the Pain to which he owes his greatest Pleasure? There is but one Being in the Creation whose Province it is to practise upon the Imbecillities of frail Creatures, and triumph in the Woes which his own Artifices brought about; and we well know, those who follow his Example, will receive his Reward.

Leaving my fair Correspondent to the Direction of her own Wisdom and Modesty; and her Enemy, and his mean Accomplices, to the Compunction of their own Hearts; I shall conclude this Paper with a memorable Instance of Revenge, taken by a _Spanish_ Lady upon a guilty Lover, which may serve to show what violent Effects are wrought by the most tender Passion, when sower'd into Hatred; and may deter the Young and unwary from unlawful Love. The Story, however Romantick it may appear, I have heard affirmed for a Truth.