Chapter LXXXVI: Book I: of his Epistles; showing how it would read in the customary (1)

prose form of a letter of introduction.]

* * * * *

No. 494. Friday, September 26, 1712. Addison.

'Ægritudinem laudare, unam rem maximè detestabilem, quorum est tandem
Philosophorum?'

Cic.

About an Age ago it was the fashion in _England_, for every one that would be thought religious, to throw as much Sanctity as possible into his Face, and in particular to abstain from all Appearances of Mirth and Pleasantry, which were looked upon as the Marks of a Carnal Mind. The Saint was of a sorrowful Countenance, and generally eaten up with Spleen and Melancholy. A Gentleman, who was lately a great Ornament to the Learned World, [1] has diverted me more than once with an Account of the Reception which he met with from a very famous Independent Minister, who was Head of a College in those times. [2] This Gentleman was then a young Adventurer in the Republick of Letters, and just fitted out for the University with a good Cargo of _Latin_ and _Greek_. His Friends were resolved that he should try his Fortune at an Election which was drawing near in the College, of which the Independent Minister whom I have before mentioned was Governor. The Youth, according to Custom, waited on him in order to be examined. He was received at the Door by a Servant, who was one of that gloomy Generation that were then in fashion. He conducted him, with great Silence and Seriousness, to a long Gallery which was darkned at Noon-day, and had only a single Candle burning in it. After a short stay in this melancholy Apartment, he was led into a Chamber hung with Black, where he entertained himself for some time by the glimmering of a Taper, till at length the Head of the College came out to him, from an inner Room, with half a Dozen Night Caps upon his Head, and a religious Horror in his Countenance. The young Man trembled; but his Fears encreased when, instead of being ask'd what Progress he had made in Learning, he was examined how he abounded in Grace. His _Latin_ and _Greek_ stood him in little stead; he was to give an account only of the state of his Soul, whether he was of the Number of the Elect; what was the Occasion of his Conversion; upon what Day of the Month, and Hour of the Day it happened; how it was carried on, and when compleated. The whole Examination was summed up with one short Question, namely, _Whether he was prepared for Death?_ The Boy, who had been bred up by honest Parents, was frighted out of his Wits at the Solemnity of the Proceeding, and by the last dreadful Interrogatory; so that upon making his Escape out of this House of Mourning, he could never be brought a second time to the Examination, as not being able to go through the Terrors of it.

Notwithstanding this general Form and Outside of Religion is pretty well worn out among us, there are many Persons, who, by a natural Unchearfulness of Heart, mistaken Notions of Piety, or Weakness of Understanding, love to indulge this uncomfortable way of Life, and give up themselves a Prey to Grief and Melancholy. Superstitious Fears and groundless Scruples cut them off from the Pleasures of Conversation, and all those social Entertainments, which are not only innocent, but laudable; as if Mirth was made for Reprobates, and Chearfulness of Heart denied those who are the only Persons that have a proper Title to it.

_Sombrius_ is one of these Sons of Sorrow. He thinks himself obliged in Duty to be sad and disconsolate. He looks on a sudden fit of Laughter as a Breach of his Baptismal Vow. An innocent Jest startles him like Blasphemy. Tell him of one who is advanced to a Title of Honour, he lifts up his Hands and Eyes; describe a publick Ceremony, he shakes his Head; shew him a gay Equipage, he blesses himself. All the little Ornaments of Life are Pomps and Vanities. Mirth is wanton, and Wit profane. He is scandalized at Youth for being lively, and at Childhood for being playful. He sits at a Christening, or a Marriage Feast, as at a Funeral; sighs at the Conclusion of a merry Story, and grows devout when the rest of the Company grow pleasant. After all, _Sombrius_ is a religious Man, and would have behaved himself very properly, had he lived when Christianity was under a general Persecution.

I would by no means presume to tax such Characters with Hypocrisy, as is done too frequently; that being a Vice which I think none but He, who knows the Secrets of Men's Hearts, should pretend to discover in another, where the Proofs of it do not amount to a Demonstration. On the contrary, as there are many excellent Persons, who are weighed down by this habitual Sorrow of Heart, they rather deserve our Compassion than our Reproaches. I think, however, they would do well to consider, whether such a Behaviour does not deter Men from a Religious Life, by representing it as an unsociable State, that extinguishes all Joy and Gladness, darkens the Face of Nature, and destroys the Relish of Being it self.

I have, in former Papers, shewn how great a Tendency there is to Chearfulness in Religion, and how such a Frame of Mind is not only the most lovely, but the most commendable in a virtuous Person. In short, those who represent Religion in so unamiable a Light, are like the Spies sent by _Moses_ to make a Discovery of the Land of _Promise_, when by their Reports they discouraged the People from entering upon it. Those who shew us the Joy, the Chearfulness, the Good-humour, that naturally spring up in this happy State, are like the Spies bringing along with them the Clusters of Grapes, and delicious Fruits, that might invite their Companions into the pleasant Country which produced them.

An eminent Pagan Writer [3] has made a Discourse, to shew that the Atheist, who denies a God, does him less Dishonour than the Man who owns his Being, but at the same time believes him to be cruel, hard to please, and terrible to Human Nature. For my own part, says he, I would rather it should be said of me, that there was never any such Man as _Plutarch_, than that _Plutarch_ was ill-natured, capricious, or inhuman.

If we may believe our Logicians, Man is distinguished from all other Creatures by the Faculty of Laughter. He has an Heart capable of Mirth, and naturally disposed to it. It is not the Business of Virtue to extirpate the Affections of the Mind, but to regulate them. It may moderate and restrain, but was not designed to banish Gladness from the Heart of Man. Religion contracts the Circle of our Pleasures, but leaves it wide enough for her Votaries to expatiate in. The Contemplation of the Divine Being, and the Exercise of Virtue, are in their own Nature so far from excluding all Gladness of Heart, that they are perpetual Sources of it. In a word, the true Spirit of Religion cheers, as well as composes the Soul; it banishes indeed all Levity of Behaviour, all vicious and dissolute Mirth, but in exchange fills the Mind with a perpetual Serenity, uninterrupted Chearfulness, and an habitual Inclination to please others, as well as to be pleased in it self.

O.

[Footnote 1: Supposed to be Anthony Henley, a gentleman of property, who corresponded with Swift, was a friend of Steele's, and contributed some unidentified papers to the _Tatler_. He died in August, 1711.]

[Footnote 2: Dr. Thomas Goodwin, who was born in 1600, and educated at Cambridge. He was one of those who, like Milton's tutor, Dr. Thomas Young, went to Holland to escape from persecution, and was pastor of the English church at Arnheim, till in the Civil Wars he came to London, and sat at Westminster as one of the Assembly of Divines. In 1649 Cromwell made him President of Magdalen College As Oliver Cromwell's chaplain, he prayed with and for him in his last illness. At the Restoration, Dr. Goodwin was deprived of his post at Oxford, and he then preached in London to an Assembly of Independents till his death, in 1679. His works were collected in five volumes folio.]

[Footnote 3: Plutarch, in his short Treatise 'On Superstition.']

* * * * *

No. 495. Saturday, September 27, 1712. Addison.

Duris ut ilex tonsa bipennibus
Nigræ feraci frondis in Algido,
Per damna, per cades, ab ipso
Ducit opes animumque ferro.

Hor.

As I am one, who, by my Profession, am obliged to look into all kinds of Men, there are none whom I consider with so much Pleasure, as those who have any thing new or extraordinary in their Characters, or Ways of living. For this reason I have often amused my self with Speculations on the Race of People called _Jews_, many of whom I have met with in most of the considerable Towns which I have passed through in the Course of my Travels. They are, indeed, so disseminated through all the trading parts of the World, that they are become the Instruments by which the most distant Nations converse with one another, and by which Mankind are knit together in a general Correspondence: They are like the Pegs and Nails in a great Building, which, though they are but little valued in themselves, are absolutely necessary to keep the whole Frame together.

That I may not fall into any common beaten Tracks of Observation, I shall consider this People in three Views: First, with regard to their Number; Secondly, their Dispersion; and, Thirdly, their Adherence to their Religion: and afterwards endeavour to shew, First, what Natural Reasons, and, Secondly, what Providential Reasons may be assigned for these three remarkable Particulars.

The _Jews_ are looked upon by many to be as numerous at present, as they were formerly in the Land of _Canaan_.

This is wonderful, considering the dreadful Slaughter made of them under some of the _Roman_ Emperors, which Historians describe by the Death of many Hundred Thousands in a War; and the innumerable Massacres and Persecutions they have undergone in _Turkey_, as well as in all Christian Nations of the World. The _Rabbins_, to express the great Havock which has been sometimes made of them, tell us, after their usual manner of Hyperbole, that there were such Torrents of Holy Blood shed as carried Rocks of an hundred Yards in Circumference above three Miles into the Sea.

Their Dispersion is the second remarkable Particular in this People. They swarm over all the _East_; and are settled in the remotest Parts of _China_: They are spread through most of the Nations of _Europe_ and _Africk_, and many Families of them are established in the _West-Indies_: not to mention whole Nations bordering on _Prester-John's_ Country, and some discovered in the inner Parts of _America_, if we may give any Credit to their own Writers.

Their firm Adherence to their Religion, is no less remarkable than their Numbers and Dispersion, especially considering it as persecuted or contemned over the Face of the whole Earth. This is likewise the more remarkable, if we consider the frequent Apostacies of this People, when they lived under their Kings, in the Land of _Promise_, and within sight of their Temple.

If in the next place we examine, what may be the Natural Reasons for these three Particulars which we find in the _Jews_, and which are not to be found in any other Religion or People, I can, in the first place, attribute their Numbers to nothing but their constant Employment, their Abstinence, their Exemption from Wars, and above all, their frequent Marriages; for they look on Celibacy as an accursed State, and generally are married before Twenty, as hoping the _Messiah_ may descend from them.

The Dispersion of the _Jews_ into all the Nations of the Earth, is the second remarkable Particular of that People, though not so hard to be accounted for. They were always in Rebellions and Tumults while they had the Temple and Holy City in View, for which reason they have often been driven out of their old Habitations in the Land of _Promise_. They have as often been banished out of most other Places where they have settled, which must very much disperse and scatter a People, and oblige them to seek a Livelihood where they can find it. Besides, the whole People is now a Race of such Merchants as are Wanderers by Profession, and at the same time, are in most if not all Places incapable of either Lands or Offices, that might engage them to make any Part of the World their Home.

This Dispersion would probably have lost their Religion, had it not been secured by the Strength of its Constitution: For they are to live all in a Body, and generally within the same Enclosure; to marry among themselves, and to eat no Meats that are not killed or prepared their own way. This shuts them out from all Table Conversation, and the most agreeable Intercourses of Life; and, by consequence, excludes them from the most probable Means of Conversion.

If, in the last place, we consider what Providential Reason may be assigned for these three Particulars, we shall find that their Numbers, Dispersion, and Adherence to their Religion, have furnished every Age, and every Nation of the World, with the strongest Arguments for the Christian Faith, not only as these very Particulars are foretold of them, but as they themselves are the Depositaries of these and all the other Prophecies, which tend to their own Confusion. Their Number furnishes us with a sufficient Cloud of Witnesses that attest the Truth of the Old Bible. Their Dispersion spreads these Witnesses thro' all parts of the World. The Adherence to their Religion makes their Testimony unquestionable. Had the whole Body of the _Jews_ been converted to Christianity, we should certainly have thought all the Prophecies of the old Testament, that relate to the Coming and History of our Blessed Saviour, forged by Christians, and have looked upon them, with the Prophecies of the _Sybils_, as made many Years after the Events they pretended to foretell.

O.

* * * * *

No. 496. Monday, September 29, 1712. Steele.

'Gnatum pariter uti his decuit aut etiam amplius,
Quod illa ætas magis ad hæc utenda idonea est.'

Terent. Heaut. A. 1. Sc. 1.

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

'Those Ancients who were the most accurate in their Remarks on the
Genius and Temper of Mankind, by considering the various Bent and
Scope of our Actions throughout the Progress of Life, have with great
Exactness allotted Inclinations and Objects of Desire particular to
every Stage, according to the different Circumstances of our
Conversation and Fortune, thro' the several Periods of it. Hence they
were disposed easily to excuse those Excesses which might possibly
arise from a too eager Pursuit of the Affections more immediately
proper to each State: They indulged the Levity of Childhood with
Tenderness, overlooked the Gayety of Youth with Good-nature, tempered
the forward Ambition and Impatience of ripen'd Manhood with
Discretion, and kindly imputed the tenacious Avarice of old Men to
their want of relish for any other Enjoyment. Such Allowances as these
were no less advantageous to common Society than obliging to
particular Persons; for by maintaining a Decency and Regularity in the
Course of Life, they supported the Dignity of human Nature, which then
suffers the greatest Violence when the Order of things is inverted;
and in nothing is it more remarkably vilify'd and ridiculous, than
when Feebleness preposterously attempts to adorn it self with that
outward Pomp and Lustre, which serve only to set off the Bloom of
Youth with better advantage. I was insensibly carried into Reflections
of this nature, by just now meeting _Paulino_ (who is in his
Climacterick) bedeck'd with the utmost Splendour of Dress and
Equipage, and giving an unbounded Loose to all manner of Pleasure,
whilst his only Son is debarr'd all innocent Diversion, and may be
seen frequently solacing himself in the _Mall_ with no other
Attendance than one antiquated Servant of his Father's for a Companion
and Director.

'It is a monstrous want of Reflection, that a Man cannot consider,
that when he cannot resign the Pleasures of Life in his Decay of
Appetite and Inclination to them, his Son must have a much uneasier
Task to resist the Impetuosity of growing Desires. The Skill therefore
should, methinks, be to let a Son want no lawful Diversion, in
proportion to his future Fortune, and the Figure he is to make in the
World. The first Step towards Virtue that I have observed in young Men
of Condition that have run into Excesses, has been that they had a
regard to their Quality and Reputation in the Management of their
Vices. Narrowness in their Circumstances has made many Youths, to
supply themselves as Debauchees, commence Cheats and Rascals. The
Father who allows his Son to his utmost ability avoids this latter
Evil, which as to the World is much greater than the former. But the
contrary Practice has prevail'd so much among some Men, that I have
known them deny them what was merely necessary for Education suitable
to their Quality. Poor young _Antonio_ is a lamentable Instance of ill
Conduct in this kind. The young Man did not want natural Talents; but
the Father of him was a Coxcomb, who affected being a fine Gentleman
so unmercifully, that he could not endure in his sight, or the
frequent mention of one, who was his Son, growing into Manhood, and
thrusting him out of the gay World. I have often thought the Father
took a secret Pleasure in reflecting that when that fine House and
Seat came into the next hands, it would revive his Memory, as a Person
who knew how to enjoy them, from Observation of the Rusticity and
Ignorance of his Successor. Certain it is that a Man may, if he will,
let his Heart close to the having no regard to any thing but his dear
self, even with exclusion of his very Children. I recommend this
Subject to your Consideration, and am,

_SIR, Your most humble Servant_,

T. B.

_London, Sept._ 26, 1712.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'I am just come from _Tunbridge_, and have since my return read Mrs.
_Matilda Mohair's_ Letter to you: She pretends to make a mighty Story
about the Diversion of Swinging in that Place. What was done, was only
among Relations; and no Man swung any Woman who was not second Cousin
at farthest. She is pleased to say, care was taken that the Gallants
tied the Ladies Legs before they were wafted into the Air. Since she
is so spiteful, I'll tell you the plain Truth; there was no such
Nicety observed, since we were all, as I just now told you, near
Relations; but Mrs. _Mohair_ her self has been swung there, and she
invents all this Malice, because it was observed she has crooked Legs,
of which I was an Eye-Witness.

_Your humble Servant_,

Rachel Shoestring.

_Tunbridge, Sept._ 26, 1712.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'We have just now read your Paper, containing Mrs. _Mohair's_ Letter.
It is an Invention of her own from one end to the other; and I desire
you would print the enclosed Letter by it self, and shorten it so as
to come within the Compass of your Half-Sheet. She is the most
malicious Minx in the World, for all she looks so innocent. Don't
leave out that Part about her being in love with her Father's Butler,
which makes her shun Men; for that is the truest of it all.

_Your humble Servant_,

Sarah Trice.

P.S. 'She has crooked Legs.'

_Tunbridge, Sept._ 26, 1712.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'All that Mrs. _Mohair_ is so vexed at against the good Company of
this Place, is, that we all know she has crooked Legs. This is
certainly true. I don't care for putting my Name, because one would
not be in the Power of the Creature.

_Your humble Servant unknown_.

_Tunbridge, Sept._ 26, 1712.

_Mr._ SPECTATOR,

'That insufferable Prude Mrs. _Mohair_, who has told such Stories of
the Company here, is with Child, for all her nice Airs and her crooked
Legs. Pray be sure to put her in for both those two Things, and you'll
oblige every Body here, especially

_Your humble Servant_,

Alice Bluegarter.'

T.

* * * * *

No. 497. Tuesday, September 30, 1712. Steele.

[Greek: Houtós esti galeôtaes gérôn.]--Menander.

A favour well bestow'd, is almost as great an Honour to him who confers it, as to him who receives it. What indeed makes for the superior Reputation of the Patron in this case, is, that he is always surrounded with specious Pretences of unworthy Candidates, and is often alone in the kind Inclination he has towards the Well-deserving. Justice is the first Quality in the Man who is in a Post of Direction; and I remember to have heard an old Gentleman talk of the Civil Wars, and in his Relation give an Account of a General Officer, who with this one Quality, without any shining Endowments, became so peculiarly beloved and honoured, that all Decisions between Man and Man were laid before him by the Parties concerned in a private Way; and they would lay by their Animosities implicitly, if he bid them be Friends, or submit themselves in the Wrong without Reluctance, if he said it, without waiting the Judgment of Court-Martials. His Manner was to keep the Dates of all Commissions in his Closet, and wholly dismiss from the Service such who were deficient in their Duty; and after that, took Care to prefer according to the Order of Battel. His Familiars were his entire Friends, and could have no interested Views in courting his Acquaintance; for his Affection was no Step to their Preferment, tho' it was to their Reputation. By this means a kind Aspect, a Salutation, a Smile, and giving out his Hand, had the weight of what is esteem'd by vulgar Minds more substantial. His Business was very short, and he who had nothing to do but Justice, was never affronted with a Request of a familiar daily Visitant for what was due to a brave Man at a Distance. Extraordinary Merit he used to recommend to the King for some Distinction at home, till the Order of Battel made way for his rising in the Troops. Add to this, that he had an excellent Manner of getting rid of such whom he observed were good at _an Halt_, as his Phrase was. Under this Description he comprehended all those who were contented to live without Reproach, and had no Promptitude in their Minds towards Glory. These Fellows were also recommended to the King, and taken off of the General's hands into Posts wherein Diligence and common Honesty were all that were necessary. This General had no weak Part in his Line; but every Man had as much Care upon him, and as much Honour to lose as himself. Every Officer could answer for what pass'd where he was, and the General's Presence was never necessary any where, but where he had placed himself at the first Disposition, except that Accident happen'd from extraordinary Efforts of the Enemy which he could not foresee; but it was remarkable that it never fell out from Failure in his own Troops. It must be confess'd, the World is just so much out of order, as an unworthy Person possesses what should be in the Direction of him who has better Pretensions to it.

Instead of such a Conduct as this old Fellow us'd to describe in his General, all the Evils which have ever happen'd among Mankind have arose from the wanton Disposition of the Favours of the Powerful. It is generally all that Men of Modesty and Virtue can do, to fall in with some whimsical Turn in a Great Man, to make way for things of real and absolute Service. In the time of Don _Sebastian_ of _Portugal_, or some time since, the first Minister would let nothing come near him but what bore the most profound Face of Wisdom and Gravity. They carry'd it so far, that, for the greater Shew of their profound Knowledge, a Pair of Spectacles tied on their Noses, with a black Ribband round their Heads, was what compleated the Dress of those who made their court at his Levee, and none with naked Noses were admitted to his Presence. A blunt honest Fellow, who had a Command in the Train of Artillery, had attempted to make an Impression upon the Porter day after day in vain, till at length he made his appearance in a very thoughtful dark sute of Clothes, and two Pair of Spectacles on at once. He was conducted from Room to Room with great deference, to the Minister; and carrying on the Farce of the Place, he told his Excellence, That he had pretended in this manner to be wiser than he really was, but with no ill Intention; but he was honest Such-a-one of the Train, and he came to tell him that they wanted Wheel-barrows and Pick-axes. The thing happened not to displease, the Great Man was seen to smile, and the successful Officer was reconducted with the same profound Ceremony out of the House.

When _Leo X._ reigned Pope of _Rome_, his Holiness, tho' a Man of Sense, and of an excellent Taste of Letters, of all things affected Fools, Buffoons, Humourists, and Coxcombs: Whether it were from Vanity, and that he enjoy'd no Talents in other Men but what were inferiour to him, or whatever it was, he carried it so far, that his whole Delight was in finding out new Fools, and, as our Phrase is, playing them off, and making them shew themselves to advantage. A Priest of his former Acquaintance suffered a great many Disappointments in attempting to find access to him in a regular Character, till at last in despair he retired from _Rome_, and returned in an Equipage so very fantastical, both as to the Dress of himself and Servants, that the whole Court were in an Emulation who should first introduce him to his Holiness. [1] What added to the Expectation his Holiness had of the Pleasure he should have in his Follies, was, that this Fellow, in a Dress the most exquisitely ridiculous, desired he might speak to him alone, for he had Matters of the highest Importance, upon which he wanted a Conference. Nothing could be denied to a Coxcomb of so great hope; but when they were apart, the Impostor revealed himself, and spoke as follows:

Do not be surprized, most holy Father, at seeing, instead of a Coxcomb
to laugh at, your old Friend who has taken this way of Access to
admonish you of your own Folly. Can any thing shew your Holiness how
unworthily you treat Mankind, more than my being put upon this
Difficulty to speak with you? It is a degree of Folly to delight to
see it in others, and it is the greatest Insolence imaginable to
rejoice in the Disgrace of human Nature. It is a criminal Humility in
a Person of your Holiness's Understanding, to believe you cannot excel
but in the Conversation of Half-wits, Humorists, Coxcombs, and
Buffoons. If your Holiness has a mind to be diverted like a rational
Man, you have a great opportunity for it, in disrobing all the
Impertinents you have favour'd, of all their Riches and Trappings at
once, and bestowing them on the Humble, the Virtuous, and the Meek. If
your Holiness is not concerned for the sake of Virtue and Religion, be
pleased to reflect, that for the sake of your own Safety it is not
proper to be so very much in jest. When the Pope is thus merry, the
People will in time begin to think many things, which they have
hitherto beheld with great Veneration, are in themselves Objects of
Scorn and Derision. If they once get a Trick of knowing how to laugh,
your Holiness's saying this Sentence in one Night-Cap and t'other with
the other, the change of your Slippers, bringing you your Staff in the
midst of a Prayer, then stripping you of one Vest and clapping on a
second during divine Service, will be found out to have nothing in it.
Consider, Sir, that at this rate a Head will be reckoned never the
wiser for being Bald; and the ignorant will be apt to say, that going
bare-foot does not at all help on in the way to Heaven. The red Cap
and the Coul will fall under the same Contempt; and the Vulgar will
tell us to our Faces that we shall have no Authority over them, but
from the Force of our Arguments, and the Sanctity of our Lives.

T

[Footnote 1: Founded on Note F to Bayle's account of Leo X.]

* * * * *

No. 498. Wednesday, October 1, 1712. Steele.

'--Frustra retinacula tendens
Fertur equis Auriga, neque audit currus habenas.'

_To the SPECTATOR-GENERAL of_ Great Britain.

_From the farther end of the Widow's Coffee-house in_ Devereaux Court,
_Monday Evening, twenty eight Minutes and a Half past Six._

_Dear Dumb_,

'In short, to use no further Preface, if I should tell you that I have
seen a Hackney-Coachman, when he has come to set down his Fare, which
has consisted of two or three very fine Ladies, hand them out, and
salute every one of them with an Air of Familiarity, without giving
the least Offence, you would perhaps think me guilty of a Gasconade.
But to clear my self from that Imputation, and to explain this Matter
to you, I assure you that there are many Illustrious Youths within
this City, who frequently recreate themselves by driving of a
Hackney-Coach: But those whom, above all others, I would recommend to
you, are the young Gentlemen belonging to our Inns of Court. We have,
I think, about a dozen Coachmen, who have Chambers here in the
_Temple_; and as it is reasonable to believe others will follow their
Example, we may perhaps in time (if it shall be thought convenient) be
drove to _Westminster_ by our own Fraternity, allowing every fifth
Person to apply his Meditations in this way, which is but a modest
Computation, as the Humour is now likely to take. It is to be hop'd
likewise, that there are in the other Nurseries of the Law to be found
a proportionable number of these hopeful Plants, springing up to the
everlasting Renown of their native Country. Of how long standing this
Humour has been, I know not; the first time I had any particular
Reason to take notice of it, was about this time twelvemonth, when
being upon _Hampstead-Heath_ with some of these studious young Men,
who went thither purely for the Sake of Contemplation, nothing would
serve them but I must go thro' a Course of this Philosophy too; and
being ever willing to embelish my self with any commendable
Qualification, it was not long e'er they persuaded me into the
Coach-box; nor indeed much longer, before I underwent the Fate of my
Brother _Phaeton_, for having drove about fifty Paces with pretty good
Success, through my own natural Sagacity, together with the good
Instructions of my Tutors, who, to give them their due, were on all
Hands encouraging and assisting me in this laudable Undertaking; I
say, Sir, having drove about fifty Paces with pretty good Success, I
must needs be exercising the Lash, which the Horses resented so ill
from my Hands, that they gave a sudden Start, and thereby pitched me
directly upon my Head, as I very well remembered about Half an Hour
afterwards, which not only deprived me of all the Knowledge I had
gain'd for fifty Yards before, but had like to have broken my Neck
into the Bargain. After such a severe Reprimand, you may imagine I was
not very easily prevail'd with to make a second Attempt; and indeed,
upon mature Deliberation, the whole Science seem'd, at least to me, to
be surrounded with so many Difficulties, that notwithstanding the
unknown Advantages which might have accrued to me thereby, I gave over
all Hopes of attaining it; and I believe had never thought of it more,
but that my Memory has been lately refreshed by seeing some of these
ingenious Gentlemen ply in the open Streets, one of which I saw
receive so suitable a Reward of his Labours, that tho' I know you are
no Friend to Story-telling, yet I must beg leave to trouble you with
this at large.

'About a fortnight since, as I was diverting my self with a pennyworth
of Walnuts at the _Temple_-Gate, a lively young Fellow in a Fustian
Jacket shot by me, beckon'd a Coach, and told the Coachman he wanted
to go as far as _Chelsey_: They agreed upon the Price, and this young
Gentleman mounts the Coach-box; the Fellow staring at him, desir'd to
know if he should not drive till they were out of Town? No, no,
replied he: He was then going to climb up to him, but received another
Check, and was then ordered to get into the Coach, or behind it, for
that he wanted no Instructors; but be sure you Dog you, says he, don't
you bilk me. The Fellow thereupon surrender'd his Whip, scratch'd his
Head, and crept into the Coach. Having my self occasion to go into the
_Strand_ about the same Time, we started both together; but the Street
being very full of Coaches, and he not so able a Coachman as perhaps
he imagined himself, I had soon got a little Way before him; often,
however, having the curiosity to cast my Eye back upon him, to observe
how he behaved himself in this high Station; which he did with great
Composure till he came to the Pass, which is a Military Term the
Brothers of the Whip have given the Strait at St. _Clement's_ Church:
when he was arrived near this Place, where are always Coaches in
waiting, the Coachmen began to suck up the Muscles of their Cheeks,
and to tip the Wink upon each other, as if they had some Roguery in
their Heads, which I was immediately convinced of; for he no sooner
came within Reach, but the first of them with his Whip took the exact
Dimension of his Shoulders, which he very ingeniously call'd
Endorsing; and indeed I must say, that every one of them took due Care
to endorse him as he came thro' their Hands. He seem'd at first a
little uneasy under the Operation, and was going in all haste to take
the Numbers of their Coaches; but at length by the Mediation of the
worthy Gentleman in the Coach, his Wrath was asswaged, and he
prevail'd upon to pursue his Journey; tho' indeed I thought they had
clapt such a Spoke in his Wheel, as had disabled him from being a
Coachman for that Day at least: For I am only mistaken, Mr. SPEC. if
some of these Endorsements were not wrote in so strong a Hand, that
they are still legible. Upon my enquiring the Reason of this unusual
Salutation, they told me, that it was a Custom among them, whenever
they saw a Brother tottering or unstable in his Post, to lend him a
hand in order to settle him again therein: For my part I thought their
Allegations but reasonable, and so march'd off. Besides our Coachmen,
we abound in divers other Sorts of ingenious robust Youth, who, I
hope, will not take it ill if I refer giving you an account of their
several Recreations to another Opportunity. In the mean time, if you
would but bestow a little of your wholesome Advice upon our Coachmen,
it might perhaps be a Reprieve to some of their Necks. As I understand
you have several Inspectors under you, if you would but send one
amongst us here in the _Temple_, I am persuaded he would not want
Employment. But I leave this to your own Consideration, and am,

'_SIR, Your very humble Servant_,

'Moses Greenbag.

'P. S. I have heard our Criticks in the Coffee-houses hereabout talk
mightily of the Unity of Time and Place: According to my Notion of the
Matter, I have endeavoured at something like it in the Beginning of my
Epistle. I desire to be inform'd a little as to that Particular. In my
next I design to give you some account of excellent Watermen, who are
bred to the Law, and far outdo the Land-Students above-mentioned.'

T.

* * * * *

No. 499. Thursday, October 2, 1712. Addison.

'--Nimis uncis
Naribus indulges--'

Pers.

My Friend WILL. HONEYCOMB has told me, for above this half Year, that he had a great mind to try his Hand at a _Spectator_, and that he would fain have one of his writing in my Works. This Morning I received from him the following Letter, which, after having rectified some little Orthographical Mistakes, I shall make a Present of to the Publick.

_Dear_ SPEC.

'I was, about two Nights ago, in Company with very agreeable young
People of both Sexes, where talking of some of your Papers which are
written on Conjugal Love, there arose a Dispute among us, whether
there were not more bad Husbands in the World than bad Wives. A
Gentleman, who was Advocate for the Ladies, took this occasion to tell
us the story of a famous Siege in _Germany_, which I have since found
related in my Historical Dictionary, after the following manner. When
the Emperor _Conrade_ the Third had besieged _Guelphus_, Duke of
_Bavaria_, in the City of _Hensberg_, the Women finding that the Town
could not possibly hold out long, petitioned the Emperor that they
might depart out of it, with so much as each of them could carry. The
Emperor knowing they could not convey away many of their Effects,
granted them their Petition; When the Women, to his great Surprize,
came out of the Place with every one her Husband upon her back. The
Emperor was so moved at the sight, that he burst into Tears, and after
having very much extolled the Women for their conjugal Affection, gave
the Men to their Wives, and received the Duke into his Favour.

'The Ladies did not a little triumph at this Story, asking us at the
same time, whether in our Consciences we believed that the Men of any
Town in _Great Britain_ would, upon the same Offer, and at the same
Conjuncture, have loaden themselves with their Wives; or rather,
whether they would not have been glad of such an opportunity to get
rid of them? To this my very good Friend _Tom Dapperwit_, who took
upon him to be the Mouth of our Sex, replied, that they would be very
much to blame if they would not do the same good Office for the Women,
considering that their Strength would be greater, and their Burdens
lighter. As we were amusing our selves with Discourses of this nature,
in order to pass away the Evening, which now begins to grow tedious,
we fell into that laudable and primitive Diversion of Questions and
Commands. I was no sooner vested with the regal Authority, but I
enjoined all the Ladies, under pain of my Displeasure, to tell the
Company ingenuously, in case they had been in the Siege
abovementioned, and had the same Offers made them as the good Women of
that Place, what every one of them would have brought off with her,
and have thought most worth the saving? There were several merry
Answers made to my Question, which entertained us till Bed-time. This
filled my Mind with such a huddle of Ideas, that upon my going to
sleep, I fell into the following Dream.

'I saw a Town of this Island, which shall be nameless, invested on
every side, and the Inhabitants of it so straitned as to cry for
Quarter. The General refused any other Terms than those granted to the
abovementioned Town of _Hensberg_, namely, that the married Women
might come out with what they could bring along with them. Immediately
the City-Gates flew open, and a Female Procession appeared. Multitudes
of the Sex following one another in a row, and staggering under their
respective Burdens. I took my Stand upon an Eminence in the Enemies
Camp, which was appointed for the general Rendezvous of these Female
Carriers, being very desirous to look into their several Ladings. The
first of them had a huge Sack upon her Shoulders, which she set down
with great Care: Upon the opening of it, when I expected to have seen
her Husband shot out of it, I found it was filled with China-Ware. The
next appeared in a more decent Figure, carrying a handsome young
Fellow upon her Back: I could not forbear commending the young Woman
for her Conjugal Affection, when to my great Surprize, I found that
she had left the good Man at home, and brought away her Gallant. I saw
the third, at some distance, with a little withered Face peeping over
her Shoulder, whom I could not suspect for any but her Spouse, till
upon her setting him down I heard her call him dear Pugg, and found
him to be her Favourite Monkey. A fourth brought a huge Bale of Cards
along with her; and the fifth a _Bolonia_ Lap-Dog; for her Husband, it
seems, being a very Burly Man, she thought it would be less trouble
for her to bring away little _Cupid_. The next was the Wife of a rich
Usurer, loaden with a Bag of Gold; she told us that her Spouse was
very old, and by the course of Nature could not expect to live long;
and that to shew her tender regards for him, she had saved that which
the poor Man loved better than his Life. The next came towards us with
her Son upon her Back, who, we were told, was the greatest Rake in the
Place, but so much the Mother's Darling, that she left her Husband
behind with a large Family of hopeful Sons and Daughters, for the sake
of this Graceless Youth.

'It would be endless to mention the several Persons, with their
several Loads that appeared to me in this strange Vision. All the
Place about me was covered with packs of Ribbands, Brocades,
Embroidery, and Ten thousand other Materials, sufficient to have
furnished a whole Street of Toy-shops. One of the Women, having an
Husband who was none of the heaviest, was bringing him off upon her
Shoulders, at the same time that she carried a great bundle of
_Flanders-lace_ under her Arm; but finding herself so overloaden, that
she could not save both of them, she dropp'd the good Man, and brought
away the Bundle. In short, I found but one Husband among this great
Mountain of Baggage, who was a lively Cobler, that kick'd and spurr'd
all the while his Wife was carrying him on, and, as it was said, had
scarce passed a Day in his Life without giving her the Discipline of
the Strap.

'I cannot conclude my Letter, Dear SPEC., without telling thee one
very odd Whim in this my Dream, I saw, methoughts, a dozen Women
employed in bringing off one Man; I could not guess who it should be,
till upon his nearer approach I discover'd thy short Phiz. The Women
all declared that it was for the sake of thy Works, and not thy
Person, that they brought thee off, and that it was on condition that
thou should'st continue the _Spectator_. If thou thinkest this Dream
will make a tolerable one, it is at thy Service, from,

'_Dear_ SPEC.

'_Thine, Sleeping and Waking_,

'WILL. HONEYCOMB.'

The Ladies will see, by this Letter, what I have often told them, that WILL. is one of those old-fashioned Men of Wit and Pleasure of the Town, that shews his Parts by Raillery on Marriage, and one who has often tried his Fortune that way without Success. I cannot however dismiss his Letter, without observing, that the true Story on which it is built does Honour to the Sex, and that in order to abuse them, the Writer is obliged to have recourse to Dream and Fiction. [1]

[Footnote 1: At the end of this number and in all following numbers there is a change in the colophon, caused by the addition of Tonson's name to Buckley's. It runs henceforth thus:

LONDON: Printed for S. Buckley and J. Tonson: And Sold by A. Baldwin
in Warwick-Lane. But an announcement at the head of the advertisement
sets forth that Advertisements for this Paper continue to be taken in
by S. Buckley at the Dolphin in Little-Britain, J. Tonson at
Shakespear's Head in the Strand, C. Lillie at the Corner of Beauford
Buildings, and A. Baldwin in Warwick-Lane.]

* * * * *

No. 500. Friday, October 3, 1712. Addison.

'--Huc natas adjice septem,
Et totidem juvenes, et mox generosque nurusque.
Quærite nunc, habeat quam nostra superbia causam.'

Ov. Met.

_SIR_,

'You who are so well acquainted with the Story of _Socrates_, must
have read how, upon his making a Discourse concerning Love, he pressed
his Point with so much Success, that all the Batchelors in his
Audience took a Resolution to Marry by the first Opportunity, and that
all the married Men immediately took Horse and galloped home to their
Wives. I am apt to think your Discourses, in which you have drawn so
many agreeable Pictures of Marriage, have had a very good Effect this
way in _England_. We are obliged to you, at least for having taken off
that Senseless Ridicule, which for many Years the Witlings of the Town
have turned upon their Fathers and Mothers. For my own part, I was
born in Wedlock, and I don't care who knows it; For which Reason,
among many others, I should look upon my self as a most insufferable
Coxcomb, did I endeavour to maintain that Cuckoldom was inseparable
from Marriage, or to make use of _Husband_ and _Wife_ as Terms of
Reproach. Nay, Sir, I will go one step further, and declare to you
before the whole World, that I am a married Man, and at the same time
I have so much Assurance as not to be ashamed of what I have done.

'Among the several Pleasures that accompany this state of Life, and
which you have described in your former Papers, there are two you have
not taken Notice of, and which are seldom cast into the Account, by
those who write on this Subject. You must have observed, in your
Speculations on Human Nature, that nothing is more gratifying to the
Mind of Man than Power or Dominion; and this I think my self amply
possessed of, as I am the Father of a Family. I am perpetually taken
up in giving out Orders, in prescribing Duties, in hearing Parties, in
administring Justice, and in distributing Rewards and Punishments. To
speak in the Language of the Centurion, _I say unto one, Go, and he
goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my Servant, Do
This, and he doth it_. In short, Sir, I look upon my Family as a
Patriarchal Sovereignty, in which I am my self both King and Priest.
All great Governments are nothing else but Clusters of these little
private Royalties, and therefore I consider the Masters of Families as
small Deputy-Governors presiding over the several little Parcels and
Divisions of their Fellow Subjects. As I take great pleasure in the
Administration of my Government in particular, so I look upon my self
not only as a more useful, but as a much greater and happier Man than
any Batchelor in _England_ of [my [1]] Rank and Condition.

'There is another accidental Advantage in Marriage, which has likewise
fallen to my share, I mean the having a Multitude of Children. These I
cannot but regard as very great Blessings. When I see my little Troop
before me, I rejoice in the Additions which I have made to my Species,
to my Country, and to my Religion, in having produced such a Number of
reasonable Creatures, Citizens, and Christians. I am pleased to see my
self thus perpetuated; and as there is no Production comparable to
that of a human Creature, I am more proud of having been the Occasion
of ten such glorious Productions, than if I had built a hundred
Pyramids at my own Expence, or published as many Volumes of the finest
Wit and Learning. In what a beautiful Light has the Holy Scripture
represented _Abdon_, one of the Judges of _Israel_, who had forty Sons
and thirty Grandsons, that rode on Threescore and Ten Ass-Colts,
according to the Magnificence of the Eastern Countries? How must the
Heart of the old Man rejoice, when he saw such a beautiful Procession
of his own Descendants, such a numerous Cavalcade of his own raising?
For my own part, I can sit in my Parlour with great content, when I
take a review of half a dozen of my little Boys mounting upon
Hobby-Horses, and of as many little Girls tutoring their Babies, each
of them endeavouring to excel the rest, and to do something that may
gain my Favour and Approbation. I cannot question but he who has
blessed me with so many Children, will assist my Endeavours in
providing for them. There is one thing I am able to give each of them,
which is a virtuous Education. I think it is Sir _Francis Bacon's_
Observation, that in a numerous Family of Children the eldest is often
spoiled by the Prospect of an Estate, and the youngest by being the
Darling of the Parent; but that some one or other in the middle, who
has not perhaps been regarded, has made his way in the World, and
over-topped the rest. It is my Business to implant in every one of my
Children the same Seeds of Industry, and the same honest Principles.
By this Means I think I have a fair Chance, that one or other of them
may grow considerable in some or other way of Life, whether it be in
the Army, or in the Fleet, in Trade, or any of the three learned
Professions; for you must know, Sir, that from long Experience and
Observation, I am persuaded of what seems a Paradox to most of those
with whom I converse, namely, That a Man who has many Children, and
gives them a good Education, is more likely to raise a Family, than he
who has but one, notwithstanding he leaves him his whole Estate. For
this reason I cannot forbear amusing my self with finding out a
General, an Admiral, or an Alderman of _London_, a Divine, a
Physician, or a Lawyer, among my little People who are now perhaps in
Petticoats; and when I see the Motherly Airs of my little Daughters
when they are playing with their Puppets, I cannot but flatter my self
that their Husbands and Children will be happy in the Possession of
such Wives and Mothers.

'If you are a Father, you will not perhaps think this Letter
impertinent: but if you are a single Man, you will not know the
Meaning of it, and probably throw it into the Fire: Whatever you
determine of it, you may assure yourself that it comes from one who is

'_Your most humble Servant, and Well-wisher_,

'Philogamus.'

O.

[Footnote 1: [my own]]

* * * * *

No. 501. Saturday, October 4, 1712. Parnell.

'Durum: sed levius sit patientiâ
Quicquid corrigere est nefas.'

Hor.

As some of the finest Compositions among the Ancients are in Allegory, I have endeavoured, in several of my Papers, to revive that way of Writing, and hope I have not been altogether unsuccessful in it; for I find there is always a great Demand for those particular Papers, and cannot but observe that several Authors have endeavoured of late to excel in Works of this Nature. Among these, I do not know any one who has succeeded better than a very ingenious Gentleman, to whom I am much obliged for the following Piece, and who was the Author of the Vision in the CCCCLXth Paper. [O.]