Chapter XII: Introduction (12)

Sir _Roger de Coverly's_ Country Seat--Yes, for I hate long
Speeches--Query, if a good Christian may be a
Conjurer--_Childermas-day_, Saltseller, House-Dog, Screech-owl,
Cricket--Mr. _Thomas Inkle of London_, in the good Ship called _The
Achilles_. _Yarico--Ægrescitique medendo_--Ghosts--The Lady's
Library--Lion by Trade a Taylor--Dromedary called
_Bucephalus_--Equipage the Lady's _summum bonum_--_Charles Lillie_ to
be taken notice of [2]--Short Face a Relief to Envy--Redundancies in
the three Professions--King _Latinus_ a Recruit--Jew devouring an Ham
of Bacon--_Westminster Abbey_--_Grand Cairo_--Procrastination--_April_
Fools--Blue Boars, Red Lions, Hogs in Armour--Enter a King and two
Fidlers _solus_--Admission into the Ugly Club--Beauty, how
improveable--Families of true and false Humour--The Parrot's
School-Mistress--Face half _Pict_ half _British_--no Man to be an Hero
of Tragedy under Six foot--Club of Sighers--Letters from Flower-Pots,
Elbow-Chairs, Tapestry-Figures, Lion, Thunder--The Bell rings to the
Puppet-Show--Old-Woman with a Beard married to a smock-faced Boy--My
next Coat to be turned up with Blue--Fable of Tongs and
Gridiron--Flower Dyers--The Soldier's Prayer--Thank ye for nothing,
says the Gally-Pot--_Pactolus_ in Stockings, with golden Clocks to
them--Bamboos, Cudgels, Drumsticks--Slip of my Landlady's eldest
Daughter--The black Mare with a Star in her Forehead--The Barber's
Pole--WILL. HONEYCOMB'S Coat-pocket--_Cæsar's_ Behaviour and my own in
Parallel Circumstances--Poem in Patch-work--_Nulli gravis est
percussus Achilles_--The Female Conventicler--The Ogle Master.

The reading of this Paper made the whole Coffee-house very merry; some of them concluded it was written by a Madman, and others by some Body that had been taking Notes out of the Spectator. One who had the Appearance of a very substantial Citizen, told us, with several politick Winks and Nods, that he wished there was no more in the Paper than what was expressed in it: That for his part, he looked upon the Dromedary, the Gridiron, and the Barber's Pole, to signify something more than what is usually meant by those Words; and that he thought the Coffee-man could not do better than to carry the Paper to one of the Secretaries of State. He further added, that he did not like the Name of the outlandish Man with the golden Clock in his Stockings. A young [_Oxford_ Scholar [3]], who chanced to be with his Uncle at the Coffee-house, discover'd to us who this _Pactolus_ was; and by that means turned the whole Scheme of this worthy Citizen into Ridicule. While they were making their several Conjectures upon this innocent Paper, I reach'd out my Arm to the Boy, as he was coming out of the Pulpit, to give it me; which he did accordingly. This drew the Eyes of the whole Company upon me; but after having cast a cursory Glance over it, and shook my Head twice or thrice at the reading of it, I twisted it into a kind of Match, and litt my Pipe with it. My profound Silence, together with the Steadiness of my Countenance, and the Gravity of my Behaviour during this whole Transaction, raised a very loud Laugh on all Sides of me; but as I had escaped all Suspicion of being the Author, I was very well satisfied, and applying myself to my Pipe, and the _Post-man_, took no [further] Notice of any thing that passed about me.

My Reader will find, that I have already made use of above half the Contents of the foregoing Paper; and will easily Suppose, that those Subjects which are yet untouched were such Provisions as I had made for his future Entertainment. But as I have been unluckily prevented by this Accident, I shall only give him the Letters which relate to the two last Hints. The first of them I should not have published, were I not informed that there is many a Husband who suffers very much in his private Affairs by the indiscreet Zeal of such a Partner as is hereafter mentioned; to whom I may apply the barbarous Inscription quoted by the Bishop of _Salisbury_ in his Travels; [4] _Dum nimia pia est, facta est impia_.

SIR,

'I am one of those unhappy Men that are plagued with a Gospel-Gossip,
so common among Dissenters (especially Friends). Lectures in the
Morning, Church-Meetings at Noon, and Preparation Sermons at Night,
take up so much of her Time, 'tis very rare she knows what we have for
Dinner, unless when the Preacher is to be at it. With him come a
Tribe, all Brothers and Sisters it seems; while others, really such,
are deemed no Relations. If at any time I have her Company alone, she
is a meer Sermon Popgun, repeating and discharging Texts, Proofs, and
Applications so perpetually, that however weary I may go to bed, the
Noise in my Head will not let me sleep till towards Morning. The
Misery of my Case, and great Numbers of such Sufferers, plead your
Pity and speedy Relief, otherwise must expect, in a little time, to be
lectured, preached, and prayed into Want, unless the Happiness of
being sooner talked to Death prevent it.

I am, &c. R. G.

The second Letter relating to the Ogling Master, runs thus.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

'I am an Irish Gentleman, that have travelled many Years for my
Improvement; during which time I have accomplished myself in the whole
Art of Ogling, as it is at present practised in all the polite Nations
of _Europe_. Being thus qualified, I intend, by the Advice of my
Friends, to set up for an Ogling-Master. I teach the Church Ogle in
the Morning, and the Play-house Ogle by Candle-light. I have also
brought over with me a new flying Ogle fit for the Ring; which I teach
in the Dusk of the Evening, or in any Hour of the Day by darkning one
of my Windows. I have a Manuscript by me called _The Compleat Ogler_,
which I shall be ready to show you upon any Occasion. In the mean
time, I beg you will publish the Substance of this Letter in an
Advertisement, and you will very much oblige,

Yours, &c.

[Footnote 1: _Lloyd's Coffee House_ was first established in Lombard Street, at the corner of Abchurch Lane. Pains were taken to get early Ship news at Lloyd's, and the house was used by underwriters and insurers of Ships' cargoes. It was found also to be a convenient place for sales. A poem called 'The Wealthy Shopkeeper', printed in 1700, says of him,

Now to Lloyd's Coffee-house he never fails,
To read the Letters, and attend the Sales.

It was afterwards removed to Pope's Head Alley, as 'the New Lloyd's Coffee House;' again removed in 1774 to a corner of the Old Royal Exchange; and in the building of the new Exchange was provided with the rooms now known as 'Lloyd's Subscription Rooms,' an institution which forms part of our commercial system.]

[Footnote 2: Charles Lillie, the perfumer in the Strand, at the corner of Beaufort Buildings--where the business of a perfumer is at this day carried on--appears in the 16th, 18th, and subsequent numbers of the 'Spectator', together with Mrs. Baldwin of Warwick Lane, as a chief agent for the sale of the Paper. To the line which had run

'LONDON: Printed for _Sam. Buckley_, at the _Dolphin_ in _Little
Britain_; and Sold by _A. Baldwin_ in _Warwick-Lane_; where
Advertisements are taken in;'

there was then appended:

'as also by _Charles Lillie_, Perfumer, at the Corner of
_Beaufort-Buildings_ in the _Strand_'.

Nine other agents, of whom complete sets could be had, were occasionally set forth together with these two in an advertisement; but only these are in the colophon.]

[Footnote 3: Oxonian]

[Footnote 4: Gilbert Burnet, author of the 'History of the Reformation,' and 'History of his own Time,' was Bishop of Salisbury from 1689 to his death in 1715. Addison here quotes:

'Some Letters containing an Account of what seemed most remarkable in
Travelling through Switzerland, Italy, some parts of Germany, &c., in
the Years 1685 and 1686. Written by G. Burnet, D.D., to the Honourable
R. B.'

In the first letter, which is from Zurich, Dr. Burnet speaks of many Inscriptions at Lyons of the late and barbarous ages, as 'Bonum Memoriam', and 'Epitaphium hunc'. Of 23 Inscriptions in the Garden of the Fathers of Mercy, he quotes one which must be towards the barbarous age, as appears by the false Latin in 'Nimia' He quotes it because he has 'made a little reflection on it,' which is, that its subject, Sutia Anthis, to whose memory her husband Cecalius Calistis dedicates the inscription which says

'quædum Nimia pia fuit, facta est Impia'

(who while she was too pious, was made impious),

must have been publicly accused of Impiety, or her husband would not have recorded it in such a manner; that to the Pagans Christianity was Atheism and Impiety; and that here, therefore, is a Pagan husband's testimony to the better faith, that the Piety of his wife made her a Christian.]

* * * * *

No. 47. Tuesday, April 24, 1711. Addison.

'Ride si sapis.'

Mart.

Mr. _Hobbs_, in his Discourse of Human Nature, [1] which, in my humble Opinion, is much the best of all his Works, after some very curious Observations upon Laughter, concludes thus:

'The Passion of Laughter is nothing else but sudden Glory arising from
some sudden Conception of some Eminency in ourselves by Comparison
with the Infirmity of others, or with our own formerly: For Men laugh
at the Follies of themselves past, when they come suddenly to
Remembrance, except they bring with them any present Dishonour.'

According to this Author, therefore, when we hear a Man laugh excessively, instead of saying he is very Merry, we ought to tell him he is very Proud. And, indeed, if we look into the bottom of this Matter, we shall meet with many Observations to confirm us in his Opinion. Every one laughs at some Body that is in an inferior State of Folly to himself. It was formerly the Custom for every great House in _England_ to keep a tame Fool dressed in Petticoats, that the Heir of the Family might have an Opportunity of joking upon him, and diverting himself with his Absurdities. For the same Reason Idiots are still in Request in most of the Courts of _Germany_, where there is not a Prince of any great Magnificence, who has not two or three dressed, distinguished, undisputed Fools in his Retinue, whom the rest of the Courtiers are always breaking their Jests upon.

The _Dutch_, who are more famous for their Industry and Application, than for Wit and Humour, hang up in several of their Streets what they call the Sign of the _Gaper_, that is, the Head of an Idiot dressed in a Cap and Bells, and gaping in a most immoderate manner: This is a standing Jest at _Amsterdam_.

Thus every one diverts himself with some Person or other that is below him in Point of Understanding, and triumphs in the Superiority of his Genius, whilst he has such Objects of Derision before his Eyes. Mr. _Dennis_ has very well expressed this in a Couple of humourous Lines, which are part of a Translation of a Satire in Monsieur Boileau. [2]

Thus one Fool lolls his Tongue out at another,
And shakes his empty Noddle at his Brother.

Mr. _Hobbs's_ Reflection gives us the Reason why the insignificant People above-mentioned are Stirrers up of Laughter among Men of a gross Taste: But as the more understanding Part of Mankind do not find their Risibility affected by such ordinary Objects, it may be worth the while to examine into the several Provocatives of Laughter in Men of superior Sense and Knowledge.

In the first Place I must observe, that there is a Set of merry Drolls, whom the common People of all Countries admire, and seem to love so well, _that they could eat them_, according to the old Proverb: I mean those circumforaneous Wits whom every Nation calls by the Name of that Dish of Meat which it loves best. In _Holland_ they are termed _Pickled Herrings_; in _France, Jean Pottages_; in _Italy, Maccaronies_; and in _Great Britain, Jack Puddings_. These merry Wags, from whatsoever Food they receive their Titles, that they may make their Audiences laugh, always appear in a Fool's Coat, and commit such Blunders and Mistakes in every Step they take, and every Word they utter, as those who listen to them would be ashamed of.

But this little Triumph of the Understanding, under the Disguise of Laughter, is no where more visible than in that Custom which prevails every where among us on the first Day of the present Month, when every Body takes it in his Head to make as many Fools as he can. In proportion as there are more Follies discovered, so there is more Laughter raised on this Day than on any other in the whole Year. A Neighbour of mine, who is a Haberdasher by Trade, and a very shallow conceited Fellow, makes his Boasts that for these ten Years successively he has not made less than an hundred _April_ Fools. My Landlady had a falling out with him about a Fortnight ago, for sending every one of her Children upon some _Sleeveless Errand_, as she terms it. Her eldest Son went to buy an Halfpenny worth of Inkle at a Shoe-maker's; the eldest Daughter was dispatch'd half a Mile to see a Monster; and, in short, the whole Family of innocent Children made _April_ Fools. Nay, my Landlady herself did not escape him. This empty Fellow has laughed upon these Conceits ever since.

This Art of Wit is well enough, when confined to one Day in a Twelvemonth; but there is an ingenious Tribe of Men sprung up of late Years, who are for making _April_ Fools every Day in the Year. These Gentlemen are commonly distinguished by the Name of _Biters_; a Race of Men that are perpetually employed in laughing at those Mistakes which are of their own Production.

Thus we see, in proportion as one Man is more refined than another, he chooses his Fool out of a lower or higher Class of Mankind: or, to speak in a more Philosophical Language, That secret Elation and Pride of Heart, which is generally called Laughter, arises in him from his comparing himself with an Object below him, whether it so happens that it be a Natural or an Artificial Fool. It is indeed very possible, that the Persons we laugh at may in the main of their Characters be much wiser Men than ourselves; but if they would have us laugh at them, they must fall short of us in those Respects which stir up this Passion.

I am afraid I shall appear too Abstracted in my Speculations, if I shew that when a Man of Wit makes us laugh, it is by betraying some Oddness or Infirmity in his own Character, or in the Representation which he makes of others; and that when we laugh at a Brute or even [at] an inanimate thing, it is at some Action or Incident that bears a remote Analogy to any Blunder or Absurdity in reasonable Creatures.

But to come into common Life: I shall pass by the Consideration of those Stage Coxcombs that are able to shake a whole Audience, and take notice of a particular sort of Men who are such Provokers of Mirth in Conversation, that it is impossible for a Club or Merry-meeting to subsist without them; I mean, those honest Gentlemen that are always exposed to the Wit and Raillery of their Well-wishers and Companions; that are pelted by Men, Women, and Children, Friends and Foes, and, in a word, stand as _Butts_ in Conversation, for every one to shoot at that pleases. I know several of these _Butts_, who are Men of Wit and Sense, though by some odd Turn of Humour, some unlucky Cast in their Person or Behaviour, they have always the Misfortune to make the Company merry. The Truth of it is, a Man is not qualified for a _Butt_, who has not a good deal of Wit and Vivacity, even in the ridiculous side of his Character. A stupid _Butt_ is only fit for the Conversation of ordinary People: Men of Wit require one that will give them Play, and bestir himself in the absurd Part of his Behaviour. A _Butt_ with these Accomplishments frequently gets the Laugh of his side, and turns the Ridicule upon him that attacks him. Sir _John Falstaff_ was an Hero of this Species, and gives a good Description of himself in his Capacity of a _Butt_, after the following manner; _Men of all Sorts_ (says that merry Knight) _take a pride to gird at me. The Brain of Man is not able to invent any thing that tends to Laughter more than I invent, or is invented on me. I am not only Witty in my self, but the Cause that Wit is in other Men_. [3]

C.

[Footnote 1: Chap. ix. § 13. Thomas Hobbes's 'Human Nature' was published in 1650. He died in 1679, aged 91.]

[Footnote 2: Boileau's 4th satire. John Dennis was at this time a leading critic of the French school, to whom Pope afterwards attached lasting ridicule. He died in 1734, aged 77.]

[Footnote 3: 'Henry IV Part II' Act I § 2.]

* * * * *

No. 48. Wednesday, April 25, 1711. Steele.

... Per multas aditum sibi sæpe figuras
Repperit ...

Ovid

My Correspondents take it ill if I do not, from Time to Time let them know I have received their Letters. The most effectual Way will be to publish some of them that are upon important Subjects; which I shall introduce with a Letter of my own that I writ a Fortnight ago to a Fraternity who thought fit to make me an honorary Member.

To the President and Fellows of the _Ugly Club_.

_May it please your Deformities_,

I have received the Notification of the Honour you have done me, in
admitting me into your Society. I acknowledge my Want of Merit, and
for that Reason shall endeavour at all Times to make up my own
Failures, by introducing and recommending to the Club Persons of more
undoubted Qualifications than I can pretend to. I shall next Week come
down in the Stage-Coach, in order to take my Seat at the Board; and
shall bring with me a Candidate of each Sex. The Persons I shall
present to you, are an old Beau and a modern _Pict_. If they are not
so eminently gifted by Nature as our Assembly expects, give me Leave
to say their acquired Ugliness is greater than any that has ever
appeared before you. The Beau has varied his Dress every Day of his
Life for these thirty Years last past, and still added to the
Deformity he was born with. The _Pict_ has still greater Merit towards
us; and has, ever since she came to Years of Discretion, deserted the
handsome Party, and taken all possible Pains to acquire the Face in
which I shall present her to your Consideration and Favour.

I desire to know whether you admit People of Quality.

I am, Gentlemen,
Your most obliged
Humble Servant,
The SPECTATOR.

April 7.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

To shew you there are among us of the vain weak Sex, some that have
Honesty and Fortitude enough to dare to be ugly, and willing to be
thought so; I apply my self to you, to beg your Interest and
Recommendation to the Ugly Club. If my own Word will not be taken,
(tho' in this Case a Woman's may) I can bring credible Witness of my
Qualifications for their Company, whether they insist upon Hair,
Forehead, Eyes, Cheeks, or Chin; to which I must add, that I find it
easier to lean to my left Side than my right. I hope I am in all
respects agreeable: And for Humour and Mirth, I'll keep up to the
President himself. All the Favour I'll pretend to is, that as I am the
first Woman has appeared desirous of good Company and agreeable
Conversation, I may take and keep the upper End of the Table. And
indeed I think they want a Carver, which I can be after as ugly a
Manner as they can wish. I desire your Thoughts of my Claim as soon as
you can. Add to my Features the Length of my Face, which is full half
Yard; tho' I never knew the Reason of it till you gave one for the
Shortness of yours. If I knew a Name ugly enough to belong to the
above-described Face, I would feign one; but, to my unspeakable
Misfortune, my Name is the only disagreeable Prettiness about me; so
prithee make one for me that signifies all the Deformity in the World:
You understand Latin, but be sure bring it in with my being in the
Sincerity of my Heart,
_Your most frightful Admirer,
and Servant_,
Hecatissa.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

I Read your Discourse upon Affectation, and from the Remarks made in
it examined my own Heart so strictly, that I thought I had found out
its most secret Avenues, with a Resolution to be aware of you for the
future. But alas! to my Sorrow I now understand, that I have several
Follies which I do not know the Root of. I am an old Fellow, and
extremely troubled with the Gout; but having always a strong Vanity
towards being pleasing in the Eyes of Women, I never have a Moment's
Ease, but I am mounted in high-heel'd Shoes with a glased Wax-leather
Instep. Two Days after a severe Fit I was invited to a Friend's House
in the City, where I believed I should see Ladies; and with my usual
Complaisance crippled my self to wait upon them: A very sumptuous
Table, agreeable Company, and kind Reception, were but so many
importunate Additions to the Torment I was in. A Gentleman of the
Family observed my Condition; and soon after the Queen's Health, he,
in the Presence of the whole Company, with his own Hand degraded me
into an old Pair of his own Shoes. This operation, before fine Ladies,
to me (who am by Nature a Coxcomb) was suffered with the same
Reluctance as they admit the Help of Men in their greatest Extremity.
The Return of Ease made me forgive the rough Obligation laid upon me,
which at that time relieved my Body from a Distemper, and will my Mind
for ever from a Folly. For the Charity received I return my Thanks
this Way.
_Your most humble Servant.
Epping, April 18._

_SIR_,

We have your Papers here the Morning they come out, and we have been
very well entertained with your last, upon the false Ornaments of
Persons who represent Heroes in a Tragedy. What made your Speculation
come very seasonably amongst us is, that we have now at this Place a
Company of Strolers, who are very far from offending in the
impertinent Splendor of the Drama. They are so far from falling into
these false Gallantries, that the Stage is here in its Original
Situation of a Cart. _Alexander_ the Great was acted by a Fellow in a
Paper Cravat. The next Day, the Earl of Essex [1] seemed to have no
Distress but his Poverty: And my Lord Foppington [2] the same Morning
wanted any better means to shew himself a Fop, than by wearing
Stockings of different Colours. In a Word, tho' they have had a full
Barn for many Days together, our Itinerants are still so wretchedly
poor, that without you can prevail to send us the Furniture you forbid
at the Play-house, the Heroes appear only like sturdy Beggars, and the
Heroines Gipsies. We have had but one Part which was performed and
dressed with Propriety, and that was Justice Clodpate: [3] This was so
well done that it offended Mr. Justice Overdo; [4] who, in the midst
of our whole Audience, was (like Quixote in the Puppet-Show) so
highly provok'd, that he told them, If they would move compassion, it
should be in their own Persons, and not in the Characters of
distressed Princes and Potentates: He told them, If they were so good
at finding the way to People's Hearts, they should do it at the End of
Bridges or Church-Porches, in their proper Vocation of Beggars. This,
the Justice says, they must expect, since they could not be contented
to act Heathen Warriors, and such Fellows as _Alexander_, but must
presume to make a Mockery of one of the _Quorum_.
Your Servant.

R.

[Footnote 1: In 'The Unhappy Favourite', or the Earl of Essex, a Tragedy of John Banks, first acted in 1682.]

[Footnote 2: Lord Foppington is in the Colley Cibber's 'Careless Husband', first acted in 1794.]

[Footnote 3: Justice Clodpate is in the Shadwell's 'Epsons Wells', first acted in 1676.]

[Footnote 4: Adam Overdo is the Justice of the Peace, who in Ben Jonson's 'Bartholomew Fair' goes disguised 'for the good of the Republic in the Fair and the weeding out of enormity.']

* * * * *

No. 49. Thursday, April 26, 1711. Steele.

... Hominem pagina nostra sapit.

Mart.

It is very natural for a Man who is not turned for Mirthful Meetings of Men, or Assemblies of the fair Sex, to delight in that sort of Conversation which we find in Coffee-houses. Here a Man, of my Temper, is in his Element; for if he cannot talk, he can still be more agreeable to his Company, as well as pleased in himself, in being only an Hearer. It is a Secret known but to few, yet of no small use in the Conduct of Life, that when you fall into a Man's Conversation, the first thing you should consider is, whether he has a greater Inclination to hear you, or that you should hear him. The latter is the more general Desire, and I know very able Flatterers that never speak a Word in Praise of the Persons from whom they obtain daily Favours, but still practise a skilful Attention to whatever is uttered by those with whom they converse. We are very Curious to observe the Behaviour of Great Men and their Clients; but the same Passions and Interests move Men in lower Spheres; and I (that have nothing else to do but make Observations) see in every Parish, Street, Lane, and Alley of this Populous City, a little Potentate that has his Court, and his Flatterers who lay Snares for his Affection and Favour, by the same Arts that are practised upon Men in higher Stations.

In the Place I most usually frequent, Men differ rather in the Time of Day in which they make a Figure, than in any real Greatness above one another. I, who am at the Coffee-house at Six in a Morning, know that my Friend _Beaver_ the Haberdasher has a Levy of more undissembled Friends and Admirers, than most of the Courtiers or Generals of _Great-Britain_. Every Man about him has, perhaps, a News-Paper in his Hand; but none can pretend to guess what Step will be taken in any one Court of _Europe_, 'till Mr. _Beaver_ has thrown down his Pipe, and declares what Measures the Allies must enter into upon this new Posture of Affairs. Our Coffee-house is near one of the Inns of Court, and _Beaver_ has the Audience and Admiration of his Neighbours from Six 'till within a Quarter of Eight, at which time he is interrupted by the Students of the House; some of whom are ready dress'd for _Westminster_, at Eight in a Morning, with Faces as busie as if they were retained in every Cause there; and others come in their Night-Gowns to saunter away their Time, as if they never designed to go thither. I do not know that I meet, in any of my Walks, Objects which move both my Spleen and Laughter so effectually, as these young Fellows at the _Grecian, Squire's, Searle's_, [1] and all other Coffee-houses adjacent to the Law, who rise early for no other purpose but to publish their Laziness. One would think these young _Virtuoso's_ take a gay Cap and Slippers, with a Scarf and Party-coloured Gown, to be Ensigns of Dignity; for the vain Things approach each other with an Air, which shews they regard one another for their Vestments. I have observed, that the Superiority among these proceeds from an Opinion of Gallantry and Fashion: The Gentleman in the Strawberry Sash, who presides so much over the rest, has, it seems, subscribed to every Opera this last Winter, and is supposed to receive Favours from one of the Actresses.

When the Day grows too busie for these Gentlemen to enjoy any longer the Pleasures of their _Deshabilé_, with any manner of Confidence, they give place to Men who have Business or good Sense in their Faces, and come to the Coffee-house either to transact Affairs or enjoy Conversation. The Persons to whose Behaviour and Discourse I have most regard, are such as are between these two sorts of Men: Such as have not Spirits too Active to be happy and well pleased in a private Condition, nor Complexions too warm to make them neglect the Duties and Relations of Life. Of these sort of Men consist the worthier Part of Mankind; of these are all good Fathers, generous Brothers, sincere Friends, and faithful Subjects. Their Entertainments are derived rather from Reason than Imagination: Which is the Cause that there is no Impatience or Instability in their Speech or Action. You see in their Countenances they are at home, and in quiet Possession of the present Instant, as it passes, without desiring to quicken it by gratifying any Passion, or prosecuting any new Design. These are the Men formed for Society, and those little Communities which we express by the Word _Neighbourhoods_.

The Coffee-house is the Place of Rendezvous to all that live near it, who are thus turned to relish calm and ordinary Life. _Eubulus_ presides over the middle Hours of the Day, when this Assembly of Men meet together. He enjoys a great Fortune handsomely, without launching into Expence; and exerts many noble and useful Qualities, without appearing in any publick Employment. His Wisdom and Knowledge are serviceable to all that think fit to make use of them; and he does the office of a Council, a Judge, an Executor, and a Friend to all his Acquaintance, not only without the Profits which attend such Offices, but also without the Deference and Homage which are usually paid to them. The giving of Thanks is displeasing to him. The greatest Gratitude you can shew him is to let him see you are the better Man for his Services; and that you are as ready to oblige others, as he is to oblige you.

In the private Exigencies of his Friends he lends, at legal Value, considerable Sums, which he might highly increase by rolling in the Publick Stocks. He does not consider in whose Hands his Mony will improve most, but where it will do most Good.

_Eubulus_ has so great an Authority in his little Diurnal Audience, that when he shakes his Head at any Piece of publick News, they all of them appear dejected; and on the contrary, go home to their Dinners with a good Stomach and cheerful Aspect, when _Eubulus_ seems to intimate that Things go well. Nay, their Veneration towards him is so great, that when they are in other Company they speak and act after him; are Wise in his Sentences, and are no sooner sat down at their own Tables, but they hope or fear, rejoice or despond as they saw him do at the Coffee-house. In a word, every Man is _Eubulus_ as soon as his Back is turned.

Having here given an Account of the several Reigns that succeed each other from Day-break till Dinner-time, I shall mention the Monarchs of the Afternoon on another Occasion, and shut up the whole Series of them with the History of _Tom_ the Tyrant; who, as first Minister of the Coffee-house, takes the Government upon him between the Hours of Eleven and Twelve at Night, and gives his Orders in the most Arbitrary manner to the Servants below him, as to the Disposition of Liquors, Coal and Cinders.

R.

[Footnote 1: The 'Grecian' (see note [Footnote 10 of No. 1], p. 7, 'ante',) was by the Temple; 'Squire's', by Gray's Inn; 'Serle's', by Lincoln's Inn. 'Squire's', a roomy, red-brick house, adjoined the gate of Gray's Inn, in Fulwood's Rents, Holborn, then leading to Gray's Inn Walks, which lay open to the country. Squire, the establisher of this coffee-house, died in 1717. 'Serle's' was near Will's, which stood at the corner of Serle Street and Portugal Street, Lincoln's Inn.

* * * * *

No. 50. Friday, April 27, 1711. [1] Addison.

'Nunquam aliud Natura, aliud Sapientia dixit.'

Juv.

When the four _Indian_ Kings were in this Country about a Twelvemonth ago, [2] I often mixed with the Rabble, and followed them a whole Day together, being wonderfully struck with the Sight of every thing that is new or uncommon. I have, since their Departure, employed a Friend to make many Inquiries of their Landlord the Upholsterer, relating to their Manners and Conversation, as also concerning the Remarks which they made in this Country: For, next to the forming a right Notion of such Strangers, I should be desirous of learning what Ideas they have conceived of us.

The Upholsterer finding my Friend very inquisitive about these his Lodgers, brought him some time since a little Bundle of Papers, which he assured him were written by King _Sa Ga Yean Qua Rash Tow_, and, as he supposes, left behind by some Mistake. These Papers are now translated, and contain abundance of very odd Observations, which I find this little Fraternity of Kings made during their Stay in the Isle of _Great Britain_. I shall present my Reader with a short Specimen of them in this Paper, and may perhaps communicate more to him hereafter. In the Article of _London_ are the following Words, which without doubt are meant of the Church of St. _Paul_.

'On the most rising Part of the Town there stands a huge House, big
enough to contain the whole Nation of which I am King. Our good
Brother _E Tow O Koam_, King of the _Rivers_, is of opinion it was
made by the Hands of that great God to whom it is consecrated. The
Kings of _Granajah_ and of the _Six Nations_ believe that it was
created with the Earth, and produced on the same Day with the Sun and
Moon. But for my own Part, by the best Information that I could get of
this Matter, I am apt to think that this prodigious Pile was fashioned
into the Shape it now bears by several Tools and Instruments of which
they have a wonderful Variety in this Country. It was probably at
first an huge mis-shapen Rock that grew upon the Top of the Hill,
which the Natives of the Country (after having cut it into a kind of
regular Figure) bored and hollowed with incredible Pains and Industry,
till they had wrought in it all those beautiful Vaults and Caverns
into which it is divided at this Day. As soon as this Rock was thus
curiously scooped to their Liking, a prodigious Number of Hands must
have been employed in chipping the Outside of it, which is now as
smooth as [the Surface of a Pebble; [3]] and is in several Places hewn
out into Pillars that stand like the Trunks of so many Trees bound
about the Top with Garlands of Leaves. It is probable that when this
great Work was begun, which must have been many Hundred Years ago,
there was some Religion among this People; for they give it the Name
of a Temple, and have a Tradition that it was designed for Men to pay
their Devotions in. And indeed, there are several Reasons which make
us think that the Natives of this Country had formerly among them some
sort of Worship; for they set apart every seventh Day as sacred: But
upon my going into one of [these [4]] holy Houses on that Day, I could
not observe any Circumstance of Devotion in their Behaviour: There was
indeed a Man in Black who was mounted above the rest, and seemed to
utter something with a great deal of Vehemence; but as for those
underneath him, instead of paying their Worship to the Deity of the
Place, they were most of them bowing and curtisying to one another,
and a considerable Number of them fast asleep.

The Queen of the Country appointed two Men to attend us, that had
enough of our Language to make themselves understood in some few
Particulars. But we soon perceived these two were great Enemies to one
another, and did not always agree in the same Story. We could make a
Shift to gather out of one of them, that this Island was very much
infested with a monstrous Kind of Animals, in the Shape of Men, called
_Whigs;_ and he often told us, that he hoped we should meet with
none of them in our Way, for that if we did, they would be apt to
knock us down for being Kings.

Our other Interpreter used to talk very much of a kind of Animal
called a _Tory_, that was as great a Monster as the _Whig_,
and would treat us as ill for being Foreigners. These two Creatures,
it seems, are born with a secret Antipathy to one another, and engage
when they meet as naturally as the Elephant and the Rhinoceros. But as
we saw none of either of these Species, we are apt to think that our
Guides deceived us with Misrepresentations and Fictions, and amused us
with an Account of such Monsters as are not really in their Country.

These Particulars we made a shift to pick out from the Discourse of
our Interpreters; which we put together as well as we could, being
able to understand but here and there a Word of what they said, and
afterwards making up the Meaning of it among ourselves. The Men of the
Country are very cunning and ingenious in handicraft Works; but withal
so very idle, that we often saw young lusty raw-boned Fellows carried
up and down the Streets in little covered Rooms by a Couple of
Porters, who are hired for that Service. Their Dress is likewise very
barbarous, for they almost strangle themselves about the Neck, and
bind their Bodies with many Ligatures, that we are apt to think are
the Occasion of several Distempers among them which our Country is
entirely free from. Instead of those beautiful Feathers with which we
adorn our Heads, they often buy up a monstrous Bush of Hair, which
covers their Heads, and falls down in a large Fleece below the Middle
of their Backs; with which they walk up and down the Streets, and are
as proud of it as if it was of their own growth.

We were invited to one of their publick Diversions, where we hoped to
have seen the great Men of their Country running down a Stag or
pitching a Bar, that we might have discovered who were the [Persons of
the greatest Abilities among them; [5]] but instead of that, they
conveyed us into a huge Room lighted up with abundance of Candles,
where this lazy People sat still above three Hours to see several
Feats of Ingenuity performed by others, who it seems were paid for it.

As for the Women of the Country, not being able to talk with them, we
could only make our Remarks upon them at a Distance. They let the Hair
of their Heads grow to a great Length; but as the Men make a great
Show with Heads of Hair that are not of their own, the Women, who they
say have very fine Heads of Hair, tie it up in a Knot, and cover it
from being seen. The Women look like Angels, and would be more
beautiful than the Sun, were it not for little black Spots that are
apt to break out in their Faces, and sometimes rise in very odd
Figures. I have observed that those little Blemishes wear off very
soon; but when they disappear in one Part of the Face, they are very
apt to break out in another, insomuch that I have seen a Spot upon the
Forehead in the Afternoon, which was upon the Chin in the Morning. [6]'

The Author then proceeds to shew the Absurdity of Breeches and Petticoats, with many other curious Observations, which I shall reserve for another Occasion. I cannot however conclude this Paper without taking notice, That amidst these wild Remarks there now and then appears something very reasonable. I cannot likewise forbear observing, That we are all guilty in some Measure of the same narrow way of Thinking, which we meet with in this Abstract of the _Indian_ Journal; when we fancy the Customs, Dress, and Manners of other Countries are ridiculous and extravagant, if they do not resemble those of our own.

C.

[Footnote 1: Swift writes to Stella, in his Journal, 28th April, 1711:

'The SPECTATOR is written by Steele, with Addison's help; 'tis often
very pretty. Yesterday it was made of a noble hint I gave him long ago
for his Tatlers, about an Indian, supposed to write his travels into
England. I repent he ever had it. I intended to have written a book on
that subject. I believe he has spent it all in one paper, and all the
under hints there are mine too; but I never see him or Addison.'

The paper, it will be noticed, was not written by Steele.]

[Footnote 2: The four kings Te Yee Neen Ho Ga Prow, Sa Ga Yean Qua Rash Tow, E Tow O Koam, and Oh Nee Yeath Ton Now Prow, were chiefs of the Iroquois Indians who had been persuaded by adjacent British colonists to come and pay their respects to Queen Anne, and see for themselves the untruth of the assertion made among them by the Jesuits, that the English and all other nations were vassals to the French king. They were said also to have been told that the Saviour was born in France and crucified in England.]

[Footnote 3: polished Marble]

[Footnote 4: those]

[Footnote 5: Men of the greatest Perfections in their Country]

[Footnote 6: There was, among other fancies, a patch cut to the pattern of a coach and horses. Suckling, in verses 'upon the Black Spots worn by my Lady D. E.,' had called them her

... Mourning weeds for Hearts forlorn,
Which, though you must not love, you could not scorn,]

* * * * *

No. 51. Saturday, April 28, 1711. Steele.

'Torquet ab Obscenis jam nunc Sermonibus Aurem.'

Hor.

Mr. Spectator,

'My Fortune, Quality, and Person are such as render me as Conspicuous
as any Young Woman in Town. It is in my Power to enjoy it in all its
Vanities, but I have, from a very careful Education, contracted a
great Aversion to the forward Air and Fashion which is practised in
all Publick Places and Assemblies. I attribute this very much to the
Stile and Manners of our Plays: I was last Night at the _Funeral_,
where a Confident Lover in the Play, speaking of his Mistress, cries
out:
_Oh that_ Harriot! _to fold these Arms about the Waste of that
Beauteous strugling, and at last yielding Fair!_ [1]

Such an Image as this ought, by no means, to be presented to a Chaste
and Regular Audience. I expect your Opinion of this Sentence, and
recommend to your Consideration, as a SPECTATOR, the conduct of the
Stage at present with Relation to Chastity and Modesty.

_I am, SIR,
Your Constant Reader
and Well-wisher._

The Complaint of this Young Lady is so just, that the Offence is [great [2]] enough to have displeased Persons who cannot pretend to that Delicacy and Modesty, of which she is Mistress. But there is a great deal to be said in Behalf of an Author: If the Audience would but consider the Difficulty of keeping up a sprightly Dialogue for five Acts together, they would allow a Writer, when he wants Wit, and can't please any otherwise, to help it out with a little Smuttiness. I will answer for the Poets, that no one ever writ Bawdy for any other Reason but Dearth of Invention. When the Author cannot strike out of himself any more of that which he has superior to those who make up the Bulk of his Audience, his natural Recourse is to that which he has in common with them; and a Description which gratifies a sensual Appetite will please, when the Author has nothing [about him to delight [3]] a refined Imagination. It is to such a Poverty we must impute this and all other Sentences in Plays, which are of this Kind, and which are commonly termed Luscious Expressions.

This Expedient, to supply the Deficiencies of Wit, has been used more or less, by most of the Authors who have succeeded on the Stage; tho' I know but one who has professedly writ a Play upon the Basis of the Desire of Multiplying our Species, and that is the Polite Sir _George Etherege;_ if I understand what the Lady would be at, in the Play called _She would if She could._ Other Poets have, here and there, given an Intimation that there is this Design, under all the Disguises and Affectations which a Lady may put on; but no Author, except this, has made sure Work of it, and put the Imaginations of the Audience upon this one Purpose, from the Beginning to the End of the Comedy. It has always fared accordingly; for whether it be, that all who go to this Piece would if they could, or that the Innocents go to it, to guess only what _She would if She could_, the Play has always been well received.

It lifts an heavy empty Sentence, when there is added to it a lascivious Gesture of Body; and when it is too low to be raised even by that, a flat Meaning is enlivened by making it a double one. Writers, who want _Genius_, never fail of keeping this Secret in reserve, to create a Laugh, or raise a Clap. I, who know nothing of Women but from seeing Plays, can give great Guesses at the whole Structure of the fair Sex, by being innocently placed in the Pit, and insulted by the Petticoats of their Dancers; the Advantages of whose pretty Persons are a great Help to a dull Play. When a Poet flags in writing Lusciously, a pretty Girl can move Lasciviously, and have the same good Consequence for the Author. Dull Poets in this Case use their Audiences, as dull Parasites do their Patrons; when they cannot longer divert [them [4]] with their Wit or Humour, they bait [their [5]] Ears with something which is agreeable to [their [6]] Temper, though below [their [7]] Understanding. _Apicius_ cannot resist being pleased, if you give him an Account of a delicious Meal; or _Clodius_, if you describe a Wanton Beauty: Tho' at the same time, if you do not awake those Inclinations in them, no Men are better Judges of what is just and delicate in Conversation. But as I have before observed, it is easier to talk to the Man, than to the Man of Sense.

It is remarkable, that the Writers of least Learning are best skilled in the luscious Way. The Poetesses of the Age have done Wonders in this kind; and we are obliged to the Lady who writ _Ibrahim_ [8], for introducing a preparatory Scene to the very Action, when the Emperor throws his Handkerchief as a Signal for his Mistress to follow him into the most retired Part of the Seraglio. It must be confessed his _Turkish_ Majesty went off with a good Air, but, methought, we made but a sad Figure who waited without. This ingenious Gentlewoman, in this piece of Bawdry, refined upon an Author of the same Sex, [9] who, in the _Rover_, makes a Country Squire strip to his Holland Drawers. For _Blunt_ is disappointed, and the Emperor is understood to go on to the utmost. The Pleasantry of stripping almost Naked has been since practised (where indeed it should have begun) very successfully at _Bartholomew_ Fair.

It is not here to be omitted, that in one of the above-mentioned Female Compositions, the _Rover_ is very frequently sent on the same Errand; as I take it, above once every Act. This is not wholly unnatural; for, they say, the Men-Authors draw themselves in their chief Characters, and the Women-Writers may be allowed the same Liberty. Thus, as the Male Wit gives his Hero a [good] Fortune, the Female gives her Heroin a great Gallant, at the End of the Play. But, indeed, there is hardly a Play one can go to, but the Hero or fine Gentleman of it struts off upon the same account, and leaves us to consider what good Office he has put us to, or to employ our selves as we please. To be plain, a Man who frequents Plays would have a very respectful Notion of himself, were he to recollect how often he has been used as a Pimp to ravishing Tyrants, or successful Rakes. When the Actors make their _Exit_ on this good Occasion, the Ladies are sure to have an examining Glance from the Pit, to see how they relish what passes; and a few lewd Fools are very ready to employ their Talents upon the Composure or Freedom of their Looks. Such Incidents as these make some Ladies wholly absent themselves from the Play-House; and others never miss the first Day of a Play, lest it should prove too luscious to admit their going with any Countenance to it on the second.

If Men of Wit, who think fit to write for the Stage, instead of this pitiful way of giving Delight, would turn their Thoughts upon raising it from good natural Impulses as are in the Audience, but are choked up by Vice and Luxury, they would not only please, but befriend us at the same time. If a Man had a mind to be new in his way of Writing, might not he who is now represented as a fine Gentleman, tho' he betrays the Honour and Bed of his Neighbour and Friend, and lies with half the Women in the Play, and is at last rewarded with her of the best Character in it; I say, upon giving the Comedy another Cast, might not such a one divert the Audience quite as well, if at the Catastrophe he were found out for a Traitor, and met with Contempt accordingly? There is seldom a Person devoted to above one Darling Vice at a time, so that there is room enough to catch at Men's Hearts to their Good and Advantage, if the Poets will attempt it with the Honesty which becomes their Characters.

There is no Man who loves his Bottle or his Mistress, in a manner so very abandoned, as not to be capable of relishing an agreeable Character, that is no way a Slave to either of those Pursuits. A Man that is Temperate, Generous, Valiant, Chaste, Faithful and Honest, may, at the same time, have Wit, Humour, Mirth, Good-breeding, and Gallantry. While he exerts these latter Qualities, twenty Occasions might be invented to shew he is Master of the other noble Virtues. Such Characters would smite and reprove the Heart of a Man of Sense, when he is given up to his Pleasures. He would see he has been mistaken all this while, and be convinced that a sound Constitution and an innocent Mind are the true Ingredients for becoming and enjoying Life. All Men of true Taste would call a Man of Wit, who should turn his Ambition this way, a Friend and Benefactor to his Country; but I am at a loss what Name they would give him, who makes use of his Capacity for contrary Purposes.

R.

[Footnote 1: The Play is by Steele himself, the writer of this Essay. Steele's Plays were as pure as his 'Spectator' Essays, absolutely discarding the customary way of enforcing feeble dialogues by the spurious force of oaths, and aiming at a wholesome influence upon his audience. The passage here recanted was a climax of passion in one of the lovers of two sisters, Act II., sc. I, and was thus retrenched in subsequent editions:

'Campley.' Oh that Harriot! to embrace that beauteous--

'Lord Hardy.' Ay, Tom; but methinks your Head runs too much on the
Wedding Night only, to make your Happiness lasting;
mine is fixt on the married State; I expect my Felicity
from Lady Sharlot, in her Friendship, her Constancy,
her Piety, her household Cares, her maternal Tenderness
--You think not of any excellence of your Mistress that
is more than skin deep.']

[Footnote 2: gross]

[Footnote 3: else to gratifie]

[Footnote 4: him]

[Footnote 5: his]

[Footnote 6: his]

[Footnote 7: his]

[Footnote 8: Mary Fix, whose Tragedy of 'Ibrahim XII, Emperor of the Turks', was first acted in 1696.]

[Footnote 9: Mrs. Aphra Behn, whose 'Rover, or the Banished Cavaliers', is a Comedy in two Parts; first acted, Part I in 1677, Part II in 1681.]

* * * * *

No. 52. Monday, April 30, 1711. Steele.