Chapter XIII: Introduction (13)

'Omnes ut Tecum meritis pro Talibus annos
Exigat, et pulchra faciat Te prole parentem.'

Virg.

* * * * *

An ingenious Correspondent, like a sprightly Wife, will always have the last Word. I did not think my last Letter to the deformed Fraternity would have occasioned any Answer, especially since I had promised them so sudden a Visit: But as they think they cannot shew too great a Veneration for my Person, they have already sent me up an Answer. As to the Proposal of a Marriage between my self and the matchless _Hecatissa_, I have but one Objection to it; which is, That all the Society will expect to be acquainted with her; and who can be sure of keeping a Woman's Heart long, where she may have so much Choice? I am the more alarmed at this, because the Lady seems particularly smitten with Men of their Make.

I believe I shall set my Heart upon her; and think never the worse of my Mistress for an Epigram a smart Fellow writ, as he thought, against her; it does but the more recommend her to me. At the same time I cannot but discover that his Malice is stolen from _Martial_.

Tacta places, Audit a places, si non videare
Tota places, neutro, si videare, places.

Whilst in the Dark on thy soft Hand I hung,
And heard the tempting Siren in thy Tongue,
What Flames, what Darts, what Anguish I endured!
But when the Candle entered I was cur'd.

'Your Letter to us we have received, as a signal Mark of your Favour
and brotherly Affection. We shall be heartily glad to see your short
Face in _Oxford_: And since the Wisdom of our Legislature has been
immortalized in your Speculations, and our personal Deformities in
some sort by you recorded to all Posterity; we hold ourselves in
Gratitude bound to receive with the highest Respect, all such Persons
as for their extraordinary Merit you shall think fit, from Time to
Time, to recommend unto the Board. As for the Pictish Damsel, we have
an easy Chair prepared at the upper End of the Table; which we doubt
not but she will grace with a very hideous Aspect, and much better
become the Seat in the native and unaffected Uncomeliness of her
Person, than with all the superficial Airs of the Pencil, which (as
you have very ingeniously observed) vanish with a Breath, and the most
innocent Adorer may deface the Shrine with a Salutation, and in the
literal Sense of our Poets, snatch and imprint his balmy Kisses, and
devour her melting Lips: In short, the only Faces of the Pictish Kind
that will endure the Weather, must be of Dr. _Carbuncle's_ Die; tho'
his, in truth, has cost him a World the Painting; but then he boasts
with _Zeuxes, In eternitatem pingo_; and oft jocosely tells the Fair
Ones, would they acquire Colours that would stand kissing, they must
no longer Paint but Drink for a Complexion: A Maxim that in this our
Age has been pursued with no ill Success; and has been as admirable in
its Effects, as the famous Cosmetick mentioned in the _Post-man_, and
invented by the renowned _British Hippocrates_ of the Pestle and
Mortar; making the Party, after a due Course, rosy, hale and airy; and
the best and most approved Receipt now extant for the Fever of the
Spirits. But to return to our Female Candidate, who, I understand, is
returned to herself, and will no longer hang out false Colours; as she
is the first of her Sex that has done us so great an Honour, she will
certainly, in a very short Time, both in Prose and Verse, be a Lady of
the most celebrated Deformity now living; and meet with Admirers here
as frightful as herself. But being a long-headed Gentlewoman, I am apt
to imagine she has some further Design than you have yet penetrated;
and perhaps has more mind to the SPECTATOR than any of his Fraternity,
as the Person of all the World she could like for a Paramour: And if
so, really I cannot but applaud her Choice; and should be glad, if it
might lie in my Power, to effect an amicable Accommodation betwixt two
Faces of such different Extremes, as the only possible Expedient to
mend the Breed, and rectify the Physiognomy of the Family on both
Sides. And again, as she is a Lady of very fluent Elocution, you need
not fear that your first Child will be born dumb, which otherwise you
might have some Reason to be apprehensive of. To be plain with you, I
can see nothing shocking in it; for tho she has not a Face like a
_John-Apple_, yet as a late Friend of mine, who at Sixty-five ventured
on a Lass of Fifteen, very frequently, in the remaining five Years of
his Life, gave me to understand, That, as old as he then seemed, when
they were first married he and his Spouse [could [1]] make but
Fourscore; so may Madam _Hecatissa_ very justly allege hereafter,
That, as long-visaged as she may then be thought, upon their
Wedding-day Mr. SPECTATOR and she had but Half an Ell of Face betwixt
them: And this my very worthy Predecessor, Mr. Sergeant _Chin_, always
maintained to be no more than the true oval Proportion between Man and
Wife. But as this may be a new thing to you, who have hitherto had no
Expectations from Women, I shall allow you what Time you think fit to
consider on't; not without some Hope of seeing at last your Thoughts
hereupon subjoin'd to mine, and which is an Honour much desired by,

Sir,

Your assured Friend,
and most humble Servant,

Hugh [Gobling, [2]] Præses.'

The following Letter has not much in it, but as it is written in my own Praise I cannot for my Heart suppress it.

SIR,

'You proposed, in your SPECTATOR of last _Tuesday_, Mr. _Hobbs's_
Hypothesis for solving that very odd Phænomenon of Laughter. You have
made the Hypothesis valuable by espousing it your self; for had it
continued Mr. _Hobbs's_, no Body would have minded it. Now here this
perplexed Case arises. A certain Company laughed very heartily upon
the Reading of that very Paper of yours: And the Truth on it is, he
must be a Man of more than ordinary Constancy that could stand it out
against so much Comedy, and not do as we did. Now there are few Men in
the World so far lost to all good Sense, as to look upon you to be a
Man in a State of Folly _inferior to himself_. Pray then how do you
justify your Hypothesis of Laughter?

Thursday, the 26th of
the Month of Fools.

Your most humble,

Q. R.'

SIR,

'In answer to your Letter, I must desire you to recollect yourself;
and you will find, that when you did me the Honour to be so merry over
my Paper, you laughed at the Idiot, the _German_ Courtier, the Gaper,
the Merry-Andrew, the Haberdasher, the Biter, the Butt, and not at

Your humble Servant,

The SPECTATOR.'

[Footnote 1: could both]

[Footnote 2: Goblin]

* * * * *

No. 53. Tuesday, May 1, 1711. Steele.

... Aliquando bonus dormitat Homerus.

Hor.

My Correspondents grow so numerous, that I cannot avoid frequently inserting their Applications to me.

Mr SPECTATOR,

'I am glad I can inform you, that your Endeavours to adorn that Sex,
which is the fairest Part of the visible Creation, are well received,
and like to prove not unsuccessful. The Triumph of _Daphne_ over her
Sister _Letitia_ has been the Subject of Conversation at Several
Tea-Tables where I have been present; and I have observed the fair
Circle not a little pleased to find you considering them as reasonable
Creatures, and endeavouring to banish that _Mahometan_ Custom which
had too much prevailed even in this Island, of treating Women as if
they had no Souls. I must do them the Justice to say, that there seems
to be nothing wanting to the finishing of these lovely Pieces of Human
Nature, besides the turning and applying their Ambition properly, and
the keeping them up to a Sense of what is their true Merit.
_Epictetus_, that plain honest Philosopher, as little as he had of
Gallantry, appears to have understood them, as well as the polite St.
_Evremont_, and has hit this Point very luckily.[1] _When young
Women_, says he, _arrive at a certain Age, they hear themselves called
_Mistresses_, and are made to believe that their only Business is to
please the Men; they immediately begin to dress, and place all their
Hopes in the adorning of their Persons; it is therefore_, continues
he, _worth the while to endeavour by all means to make them sensible
that the Honour paid to them is only, upon account of their
cotiducting themselves with Virtue, Modesty, and Discretion_.

'Now to pursue the Matter yet further, and to render your Cares for
the Improvement of the Fair Ones more effectual, I would propose a new
method, like those Applications which are said to convey their virtues
by Sympathy; and that is, in order to embellish the Mistress, you
should give a new Education to the Lover, and teach the Men not to be
any longer dazzled by false Charms and unreal Beauty. I cannot but
think that if our Sex knew always how to place their Esteem justly,
the other would not be so often wanting to themselves in deserving it.
For as the being enamoured with a Woman of Sense and Virtue is an
Improvement to a Man's Understanding and Morals, and the Passion is
ennobled by the Object which inspires it; so on the other side, the
appearing amiable to a Man of a wise and elegant Mind, carries in it
self no small Degree of Merit and Accomplishment. I conclude
therefore, that one way to make the Women yet more agreeable is, to
make the Men more virtuous.

I am, SIR,

Your most humble Servant,

R. B.'

April 26.

SIR,

'Yours of _Saturday_ last I read, not without some Resentment; but I
will suppose when you say you expect an Inundation of Ribbons and
Brocades, and to see many new Vanities which the Women will fall into
upon a Peace with _France_, that you intend only the unthinking Part
of our Sex: And what Methods can reduce them to Reason is hard to
imagine.

But, Sir, there are others yet, that your Instructions might be of
great Use to, who, after their best Endeavours, are sometimes at a
loss to acquit themselves to a Censorious World: I am far from
thinking you can altogether disapprove of Conversation between Ladies
and Gentlemen, regulated by the Rules of Honour and Prudence; and have
thought it an Observation not ill made, that where that was wholly
denied, the Women lost their Wit, and the Men their Good-manners. 'Tis
sure, from those improper Liberties you mentioned, that a sort of
undistinguishing People shall banish from their Drawing-Rooms the
best-bred Men in the World, and condemn those that do not. Your
stating this Point might, I think, be of good use, as well as much
oblige,

SIR,

Your Admirer, and
most humble Servant,

ANNA BELLA.'

_No Answer to this, till_ Anna Bella _sends a Description of those she calls the Best-bred Men in the World_.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

'I am a Gentleman who for many Years last past have been well known to
be truly Splenatick, and that my Spleen arises from having contracted
so great a Delicacy, by reading the best Authors, and keeping the most
refined Company, that I cannot bear the least Impropriety of Language,
or Rusticity of Behaviour. Now, Sir, I have ever looked upon this as a
wise Distemper; but by late Observations find that every heavy Wretch,
who has nothing to say, excuses his Dulness by complaining of the
Spleen. Nay, I saw, the other Day, two Fellows in a Tavern Kitchen set
up for it, call for a Pint and Pipes, and only by Guzling Liquor to
each other's Health, and wafting Smoke in each other's Face, pretend
to throw off the Spleen. I appeal to you, whether these Dishonours are
to be done to the Distemper of the Great and the Polite. I beseech
you, Sir, to inform these Fellows that they have not the Spleen,
because they cannot talk without the help of a Glass at their Mouths,
or convey their Meaning to each other without the Interposition of
Clouds. If you will not do this with all Speed, I assure you, for my
part, I will wholly quit the Disease, and for the future be merry with
the Vulgar.

I am, SIR,

Your humble Servant.'

SIR,

'This is to let you understand, that I am a reformed Starer, and
conceived a Detestation for that Practice from what you have writ upon
the Subject. But as you have been very severe upon the Behaviour of us
Men at Divine Service, I hope you will not be so apparently partial to
the Women, as to let them go wholly unobserved. If they do everything
that is possible to attract our Eyes, are we more culpable than they
for looking at them? I happened last _Sunday_ to be shut into a Pew,
which was full of young Ladies in the Bloom of Youth and Beauty. When
the Service began, I had not Room to kneel at the Confession, but as I
stood kept my eyes from wandring as well as I was able, till one of
the young Ladies, who is a Peeper, resolved to bring down my Looks,
and fix my Devotion on her self. You are to know, Sir, that a Peeper
works with her Hands, Eyes, and Fan; one of which is continually in
Motion, while she thinks she is not actually the Admiration of some
Ogler or Starer in the Congregation. As I stood utterly at a loss how
to behave my self, surrounded as I was, this Peeper so placed her self
as to be kneeling just before me. She displayed the most beautiful
Bosom imaginable, which heaved and fell with some Fervour, while a
delicate well-shaped Arm held a Fan over her Face. It was not in
Nature to command ones Eyes from this Object; I could not avoid taking
notice also of her Fan, which had on it various Figures, very improper
to behold on that Occasion. There lay in the Body of the Piece a
_Venus_, under a Purple Canopy furled with curious Wreaths of Drapery,
half naked, attended with a Train of _Cupids_, who were busied in
Fanning her as she slept. Behind her was drawn a Satyr peeping over
the silken Fence, and threatening to break through it. I frequently
offered to turn my Sight another way, but was still detained by the
Fascination of the Peeper's Eyes, who had long practised a Skill in
them, to recal the parting Glances of her Beholders. You see my
Complaint, and hope you will take these mischievous People, the
Peepers, into your Consideration: I doubt not but you will think a
Peeper as much more pernicious than a Starer, as an Ambuscade is more
to be feared than an open Assault.

I am, SIR,

Your most Obedient Servant.'

_This Peeper using both Fan and Eyes to be considered as a _Pict_, and proceed accordingly._

King _Latinus_ to the _Spectator_, Greeting.

'Tho' some may think we descend from our Imperial Dignity, in holding
Correspondence with a private [_Litterato_; [2]] yet as we have great
Respect to all good Intentions for our Service, we do not esteem it
beneath us to return you our Royal Thanks for what you published in
our Behalf, while under Confinement in the Inchanted Castle of the
_Savoy_, and for your Mention of a Subsidy for a Prince in Misfortune.
This your timely Zeal has inclined the Hearts of divers to be aiding
unto us, if we could propose the Means. We have taken their Good will
into Consideration, and have contrived a Method which will be easy to
those who shall give the Aid, and not unacceptable to us who receive
it. A Consort of Musick shall be prepared at _Haberdashers-Hall_ for
_Wednesday_ the Second of _May_, and we will honour the said
Entertainment with our own Presence, where each Person shall be
assessed but at two Shillings and six Pence. What we expect from you
is, that you publish these our Royal Intentions, with Injunction that
they be read at all Tea-Tables within the Cities of _London_ and
_Westminster_; and so we bid you heartily Farewell.

_Latinus_, King of the _Volscians_.'

_Given at our Court in_ Vinegar-Yard, _Story the Third from the Earth_.

April 28, 1711.

R.

[Footnote 1: 'Epictetus his Morals, with Simplicius his Comment,' was translated by George Stanhope in 1694. The citation above is a free rendering of the sense of cap. 62 of the Morals.]

[Footnote 2: _Litterati_]

* * * * *

No. 54. Wednesday, May 2, 1711. Steele.

'... Sirenua nos exercet inertia.'

Hor.

The following Letter being the first that I have received from the learned University of _Cambridge_, I could not but do my self the Honour of publishing it. It gives an Account of a new Sect of Philosophers which has arose in that famous Residence of Learning; and is, perhaps, the only Sect this Age is likely to produce.

Cambridge, April 26.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

'Believing you to be an universal Encourager of liberal Arts and
Sciences, and glad of any Information from the learned World, I
thought an Account of a Sect of Philosophers very frequent among us,
but not taken Notice of, as far as I can remember, by any Writers
either ancient or modern, would not be unacceptable to you. The
Philosophers of this Sect are in the Language of our University called
_Lowngers_. I am of Opinion, that, as in many other things, so
likewise in this, the Ancients have been defective; _viz_. in
mentioning no Philosophers of this Sort. Some indeed will affirm that
they are a kind of Peripateticks, because we see them continually
walking about. But I would have these Gentlemen consider, that tho'
the ancient Peripateticks walked much, yet they wrote much also;
(witness, to the Sorrow of this Sect, _Aristotle_ and others): Whereas
it is notorious that most of our Professors never lay out a Farthing
either in Pen, Ink, or Paper. Others are for deriving them from
_Diogenes_, because several of the leading Men of the Sect have a
great deal of the cynical Humour in them, and delight much in
Sun-shine. But then again, _Diogenes_ was content to have his constant
Habitation in a narrow Tub; whilst our Philosophers are so far from
being of his Opinion, that it's Death to them to be confined within
the Limits of a good handsome convenient Chamber but for half an Hour.
Others there are, who from the Clearness of their Heads deduce the
Pedigree of _Lowngers_ from that great Man (I think it was either
_Plato_ or _Socrates_ [1]) who after all his Study and Learning
professed, That all he then knew was, that he knew nothing. You easily
see this is but a shallow Argument, and may be soon confuted.

I have with great Pains and Industry made my Observations from time to
time upon these Sages; and having now all Materials ready, am
compiling a Treatise, wherein I shall set forth the Rise and Progress
of this famous Sect, together with their Maxims, Austerities, Manner
of living, &c. Having prevailed with a Friend who designs shortly to
publish a new Edition of _Diogenes Laertius_, to add this Treatise of
mine by way of Supplement; I shall now, to let the World see what may
be expected from me (first begging Mr. SPECTATOR'S Leave that the
World may see it) briefly touch upon some of my chief Observations,
and then subscribe my self your humble Servant. In the first Place I
shall give you two or three of their Maxims: The fundamental one, upon
which their whole System is built, is this, viz. That Time being an
implacable Enemy to and Destroyer of all things, ought to be paid in
his own Coin, and be destroyed and murdered without Mercy by all the
Ways that can be invented. Another favourite Saying of theirs is, That
Business was designed only for Knaves, and Study for Blockheads. A
third seems to be a ludicrous one, but has a great Effect upon their
Lives; and is this, That the Devil is at Home. Now for their Manner of
Living: And here I have a large Field to expatiate in; but I shall
reserve Particulars for my intended Discourse, and now only mention
one or two of their principal Exercises. The elder Proficients employ
themselves in inspecting _mores hominum multorum_, in getting
acquainted with all the Signs and Windows in the Town. Some are
arrived at so great Knowledge, that they can tell every time any
Butcher kills a Calf, every time any old Woman's Cat is in the Straw;
and a thousand other Matters as important. One ancient Philosopher
contemplates two or three Hours every Day over a Sun-Dial; and is true
to the Dial,

... As the Dial to the Sun,
Although it be not shone upon. [2]

Our younger Students are content to carry their Speculations as yet no
farther than Bowling-greens, Billiard-Tables, and such like Places.
This may serve for a Sketch of my Design; in which I hope I shall have
your Encouragement. I am,

SIR,

Yours. [3]

I must be so just as to observe I have formerly seen of this Sect at our other University; tho' not distinguished by the Appellation which the learned Historian, my Correspondent, reports they bear at _Cambridge_. They were ever looked upon as a People that impaired themselves more by their strict Application to the Rules of their Order, than any other Students whatever. Others seldom hurt themselves any further than to gain weak Eyes and sometimes Head-Aches; but these Philosophers are seized all over with a general Inability, Indolence, and Weariness, and a certain Impatience of the Place they are in, with an Heaviness in removing to another.

The _Lowngers_ are satisfied with being merely Part of the Number of Mankind, without distinguishing themselves from amongst them. They may be said rather to suffer their Time to pass, than to spend it, without Regard to the past, or Prospect of the future. All they know of Life is only the present Instant, and do not taste even that. When one of this Order happens to be a Man of Fortune, the Expence of his Time is transferr'd to his Coach and Horses, and his Life is to be measured by their Motion, not his own Enjoyments or Sufferings. The chief Entertainment one of these Philosophers can possibly propose to himself, is to get a Relish of Dress: This, methinks, might diversifie the Person he is weary of (his own dear self) to himself. I have known these two Amusements make one of these Philosophers make a tolerable Figure in the World; with a variety of Dresses in publick Assemblies in Town, and quick Motion of his Horses out of it, now to _Bath_, now to _Tunbridge_, then to _Newmarket_, and then to _London_, he has in Process of Time brought it to pass, that his Coach and his Horses have been mentioned in all those Places. When the _Lowngers_ leave an Academick Life, and instead of this more elegant way of appearing in the polite World, retire to the Seats of their Ancestors, they usually join a Pack of Dogs, and employ their Days in defending their Poultry from Foxes: I do not know any other Method that any of this Order has ever taken to make a Noise in the World; but I shall enquire into such about this Town as have arrived at the Dignity of being _Lowngers_ by the Force of natural Parts, without having ever seen an University; and send my Correspondent, for the Embellishment of his Book, the Names and History of those who pass their Lives without any Incidents at all; and how they shift Coffee-houses and Chocolate-houses from Hour to Hour, to get over the insupportable Labour of doing nothing.

R.

[Footnote 1: Socrates in his Apology, or Defence before his Judges, as reported by Plato. The oracle having said that there was none wiser than he, he had sought to confute the oracle, and found the wise man of the world foolish through belief in his own wisdom.

'When I left him I reasoned thus with myself, I am wiser than this
man, for neither of us appears to know anything great and good; but he
fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing, whereas I, as I
do not know anything, do not fancy that I do.']

[Footnote 2:

_True as Dial to the Sun,
Although it be not shired upon._

Hudibras. Part III. c. 2.]

[Footnote 3: This Letter may be by Laurence Eusden. See Note to No. 78.]

* * * * *

No. 55. Thursday May 3, 1711. Addison.

'... Intus, et in jecore ægro
Nascuntur Domini ...'

Pers.

Most of the Trades, Professions, and Ways of Living among Mankind, take their Original either from the Love of Pleasure or the Fear of Want. The former, when it becomes too violent, degenerates into _Luxury_, and the latter into _Avarice_. As these two Principles of Action draw different Ways, _Persius_ has given us a very humourous Account of a young Fellow who was rouzed out of his Bed, in order to be sent upon a long Voyage, by _Avarice_, and afterwards over-persuaded and kept at Home by _Luxury_. I shall set down at length the Pleadings of these two imaginary Persons, as they are in the Original with Mr. _Dryden's_ Translation of them.

_Mane, piger, stertis: surge, inquit Avaritia; eja
Surge. Negas, Instat, surge inquit. Non queo. Surge.
Et quid agam? Rogitas? Saperdas advehe Ponto,
Castoreum, stuppas, hebenum, thus, lubrica Coa.
Tolle recens primus piper è siliente camelo.
Verte aliquid; jura. Sed Jupiter Audiet. Eheu!
Baro, regustatum digito terebrare salinum
Contentus perages, si vivere cum Jove tendis.
Jam pueris pellem succinctus et ænophorum aptas;
Ocyus ad Navem. Nil obstat quin trabe vasta
Ægæum rapias, nisi solers Luxuria ante
Seductum moneat; quo deinde, insane ruis? Quo?
Quid tibi vis? Calido sub pectore mascula bilis
Intumuit, quam non extinxerit urna cicutæ?
Tun' mare transilias? Tibi torta cannabe fulto
Coena sit in transtro? Veientanúmque rubellum
Exhalet vapida læsum pice sessilis obba?
Quid petis? Ut nummi, quos hic quincunce modesto
Nutrieras, pergant avidos sudare deunces?
Indulge genio: carpamus dulcia; nostrum est
Quod vivis; cinis, et manes, et fabula fies.
Vive memor lethi: fugit hora. Hoc quod loquor, inde est.
En quid agis? Duplici in diversum scinderis hamo.
Hunccine, an hunc sequeris!----_

Whether alone, or in thy Harlot's Lap,
When thou wouldst take a lazy Morning's Nap;
Up, up, says AVARICE; thou snor'st again,
Stretchest thy Limbs, and yawn'st, but all in vain.
The rugged Tyrant no Denial takes;
At his Command th' unwilling Sluggard wakes.
What must I do? he cries; What? says his Lord:
Why rise, make ready, and go streight Aboard:
With Fish, from _Euxine_ Seas, thy Vessel freight;
Flax, Castor, _Coan_ Wines, the precious Weight
Of Pepper and _Sabean_ Incense, take
With thy own Hands, from the tir'd Camel's Back,
And with Post-haste thy running Markets make.
Be sure to turn the Penny; Lye and Swear,
'Tis wholsome Sin: But _Jove_, thou say'st, will hear.
Swear, Fool, or Starve; for the _Dilemma's_ even:
A Tradesman thou! and hope to go to Heav'n?

Resolv'd for Sea, the Slaves thy Baggage pack,
Each saddled with his Burden on his Back.
Nothing retards thy Voyage, now; but He,
That soft voluptuous Prince, call'd LUXURY;
And he may ask this civil Question; Friend,
What dost thou make a Shipboard? To what End?
Art thou of _Bethlem's_ noble College free?
Stark, staring mad, that thou wouldst tempt the Sea?
Cubb'd in a Cabbin, on a Mattress laid,
On a brown _George_, with lousy Swobbers fed;
Dead Wine, that stinks of the _Borachio_, sup
From a foul Jack, or greasy Maple Cup!
Say, wouldst thou bear all this, to raise the Store,
From Six i'th' Hundred to Six Hundred more?
Indulge, and to thy Genius freely give:
For, not to live at Ease, is not, to live:
Death stalks behind thee, and each flying Hour
Does some loose Remnant of thy Life devour.
Live, while thou liv'st; for Death will make us all,
A Name, a Nothing but an Old Wife's Tale.
Speak, wilt thou _Avarice_ or _Pleasure_ choose
To be thy Lord? Take one, and one refuse.

When a Government flourishes in Conquests, and is secure from foreign Attacks, it naturally falls into all the Pleasures of Luxury; and as these Pleasures are very expensive, they put those who are addicted to them upon raising fresh Supplies of Mony, by all the Methods of Rapaciousness and Corruption; so that Avarice and Luxury very often become one complicated Principle of Action, in those whose Hearts are wholly set upon Ease, Magnificence, and Pleasure. The most Elegant and Correct of all the _Latin_ Historians observes, that in his time, when the most formidable States of the World were subdued by the _Romans_, the Republick sunk into those two Vices of a quite different Nature, Luxury and Avarice: [1] And accordingly describes _Catiline_ as one who coveted the Wealth of other Men, at the same time that he squander'd away his own. This Observation on the Commonwealth, when it was in its height of Power and Riches, holds good of all Governments that are settled in a State of Ease and Prosperity. At such times Men naturally endeavour to outshine one another in Pomp and Splendor, and having no Fears to alarm them from abroad, indulge themselves in the Enjoyment of all the Pleasures they can get into their Possession; which naturally produces Avarice, and an immoderate Pursuit after Wealth and Riches.

As I was humouring my self in the Speculation of these two great Principles of Action, I could not forbear throwing my Thoughts into a little kind of Allegory or Fable, with which I shall here present my Reader.

There were two very powerful Tyrants engaged in a perpetual War against each other: The Name of the first was _Luxury_, and of the second _Avarice_. The Aim of each of them was no less than Universal Monarchy over the Hearts of Mankind. _Luxury_ had many Generals under him, who did him great Service, as _Pleasure_, _Mirth_, _Pomp_ and _Fashion_. _Avarice_ was likewise very strong in his Officers, being faithfully served by _Hunger_, _Industry_, _Care_ and _Watchfulness_: He had likewise a Privy-Counsellor who was always at his Elbow, and whispering something or other in his Ear: The Name of this Privy-Counsellor was _Poverty_. As _Avarice_ conducted himself by the Counsels of _Poverty_, his Antagonist was entirely guided by the Dictates and Advice of _Plenty_, who was his first Counsellor and Minister of State, that concerted all his Measures for him, and never departed out of his Sight. While these two great Rivals were thus contending for Empire, their Conquests were very various. _Luxury_ got Possession of one Heart, and _Avarice_ of another. The Father of a Family would often range himself under the Banners of _Avarice_, and the Son under those of _Luxury_. The Wife and Husband would often declare themselves on the two different Parties; nay, the same Person would very often side with one in his Youth, and revolt to the other in his old Age. Indeed the Wise Men of the World stood _Neuter_; but alas! their Numbers were not considerable. At length, when these two Potentates had wearied themselves with waging War upon one another, they agreed upon an Interview, at which neither of their Counsellors were to be present. It is said that _Luxury_ began the Parley, and after having represented the endless State of War in which they were engaged, told his Enemy, with a Frankness of Heart which is natural to him, that he believed they two should be very good Friends, were it not for the Instigations of _Poverty_, that pernicious Counsellor, who made an ill use of his Ear, and filled him with groundless Apprehensions and Prejudices. To this _Avarice_ replied, that he looked upon _Plenty_ (the first Minister of his Antagonist) to be a much more destructive Counsellor than _Poverty_, for that he was perpetually suggesting Pleasures, banishing all the necessary Cautions against Want, and consequently undermining those Principles on which the Government of _Avarice_ was founded. At last, in order to an Accommodation, they agreed upon this Preliminary; That each of them should immediately dismiss his Privy-Counsellor. When things were thus far adjusted towards a Peace, all other differences were soon accommodated, insomuch that for the future they resolved to live as good Friends and Confederates, and to share between them whatever Conquests were made on either side. For this Reason, we now find _Luxury_ and _Avarice_ taking Possession of the same Heart, and dividing the same Person between them. To which I shall only add, that since the discarding of the Counsellors above-mentioned, _Avarice_ supplies _Luxury_ in the room of _Plenty_, as _Luxury_ prompts _Avarice_ in the place of _Poverty_.

C.

[Footnote 1:

Alieni appetens, sui profusus.

_Sallust._]

* * * * *

No. 56. Friday, May 4, 1711. Addison.

'Felices errore suo ...'

Lucan.

The _Americans_ believe that all Creatures have Souls, not only Men and Women, but Brutes, Vegetables, nay even the most inanimate things, as Stocks and Stones. They believe the same of all the Works of Art, as of Knives, Boats, Looking-glasses: And that as any of these things perish, their Souls go into another World, which is inhabited by the Ghosts of Men and Women. For this Reason they always place by the Corpse of their dead Friend a Bow and Arrows, that he may make use of the Souls of them in the other World, as he did of their wooden Bodies in this. How absurd soever such an Opinion as this may appear, our _European_ Philosophers have maintained several Notions altogether as improbable. Some of _Plato's_ followers in particular, when they talk of the World of Ideas, entertain us with Substances and Beings no less extravagant and chimerical. Many _Aristotelians_ have likewise spoken as unintelligibly of their substantial Forms. I shall only instance _Albertus Magnus_, who in his Dissertation upon the Loadstone observing that Fire will destroy its magnetick Vertues, tells us that he took particular Notice of one as it lay glowing amidst an Heap of burning Coals, and that he perceived a certain blue Vapour to arise from it, which he believed might be the _substantial Form_, that is, in our _West-Indian_ Phrase, the _Soul_ of the Loadstone. [1]

There is a Tradition among the _Americans_, that one of their Countrymen descended in a Vision to the great Repository of Souls, or, as we call it here, to the other World; and that upon his Return he gave his Friends a distinct Account of every thing he saw among those Regions of the Dead. A Friend of mine, whom I have formerly mentioned, prevailed upon one of the Interpreters of the _Indian_ Kings, [2] to inquire of them, if possible, what Tradition they have among them of this Matter: Which, as well as he could learn by those many Questions which he asked them at several times, was in Substance as follows.

The Visionary, whose Name was _Marraton_, after having travelled for a long Space under an hollow Mountain, arrived at length on the Confines of this World of Spirits; but could not enter it by reason of a thick Forest made up of Bushes, Brambles and pointed Thorns, so perplexed and interwoven with one another, that it was impossible to find a Passage through it. Whilst he was looking about for some Track or Path-way that might be worn in any Part of it, he saw an huge Lion crouched under the Side of it, who kept his Eye upon him in the same Posture as when he watches for his Prey. The _Indian_ immediately started back, whilst the Lion rose with a Spring, and leaped towards him. Being wholly destitute of all other Weapons, he stooped down to take up an huge Stone in his Hand; but to his infinite Surprize grasped nothing, and found the supposed Stone to be only the Apparition of one. If he was disappointed on this Side, he was as much pleased on the other, when he found the Lion, which had seized on his left Shoulder, had no Power to hurt him, and was only the Ghost of that ravenous Creature which it appeared to be. He no sooner got rid of his impotent Enemy, but he marched up to the Wood, and after having surveyed it for some Time, endeavoured to press into one Part of it that was a little thinner than the rest; when again, to his great Surprize, he found the Bushes made no Resistance, but that he walked through Briars and Brambles with the same Ease as through the open Air; and, in short, that the whole Wood was nothing else but a Wood of Shades. He immediately concluded, that this huge Thicket of Thorns and Brakes was designed as a kind of Fence or quick-set Hedge to the Ghosts it inclosed; and that probably their soft Substances might be torn by these subtle Points and Prickles, which were too weak to make any Impressions in Flesh and Blood. With this Thought he resolved to travel through this intricate Wood; when by Degrees he felt a Gale of Perfumes breathing upon him, that grew stronger and sweeter in Proportion as he advanced. He had not proceeded much further when he observed the Thorns and Briars to end, and give place to a thousand beautiful green Trees covered with Blossoms of the finest Scents and Colours, that formed a Wilderness of Sweets, and were a kind of Lining to those ragged Scenes which he had before passed through. As he was coming out of this delightful Part of the Wood, and entering upon the Plains it inclosed, he saw several Horsemen rushing by him, and a little while after heard the Cry of a Pack of Dogs. He had not listned long before he saw the Apparition of a milk-white Steed, with a young Man on the Back of it, advancing upon full Stretch after the Souls of about an hundred Beagles that were hunting down the Ghost of an Hare, which ran away before them with an unspeakable Swiftness. As the Man on the milk-white Steed came by him, he looked upon him very attentively, and found him to be the young Prince _Nicharagua_, who died about Half a Year before, and, by reason of his great Vertues, was at that time lamented over all the Western Parts of _America_.

He had no sooner got out of the Wood, but he was entertained with such a Landskip of flowry Plains, green Meadows, running Streams, sunny Hills, and shady Vales, as were not to be [represented [3]] by his own Expressions, nor, as he said, by the Conceptions of others. This happy Region was peopled with innumerable Swarms of Spirits, who applied themselves to Exercises and Diversions according as their Fancies led them. Some of them were tossing the Figure of a Colt; others were pitching the Shadow of a Bar; others were breaking the Apparition of [a [4]] Horse; and Multitudes employing themselves upon ingenious Handicrafts with the Souls of _departed Utensils_; for that is the Name which in the _Indian_ Language they give their Tools when they are burnt or broken. As he travelled through this delightful Scene, he was very often tempted to pluck the Flowers that rose every where about him in the greatest Variety and Profusion, having never seen several of them in his own Country: But he quickly found that though they were Objects of his Sight, they were not liable to his Touch. He at length came to the Side of a great River, and being a good Fisherman himself stood upon the Banks of it some time to look upon an Angler that had taken a great many Shapes of Fishes, which lay flouncing up and down by him.

I should have told my Reader, that this _Indian_ had been formerly married to one of the greatest Beauties of his Country, by whom he had several Children. This Couple were so famous for their Love and Constancy to one another, that the _Indians_ to this Day, when they give a married Man Joy of his Wife, wish that they may live together like _Marraton_ and _Yaratilda_. _Marraton_ had not stood long by the Fisherman when he saw the Shadow of his beloved _Yaratilda_, who had for some time fixed her Eye upon him, before he discovered her. Her Arms were stretched out towards him, Floods of Tears ran down her Eyes; her Looks, her Hands, her Voice called him over to her; and at the same time seemed to tell him that the River was impassable. Who can describe the Passion made up of Joy, Sorrow, Love, Desire, Astonishment, that rose in the Indian upon the Sight of his dear _Yaratilda_? He could express it by nothing but his Tears, which ran like a River down his Cheeks as he looked upon her. He had not stood in this Posture long, before he plunged into the Stream that lay before him; and finding it to be nothing but the Phantom of a River, walked on the Bottom of it till he arose on the other Side. At his Approach _Yaratilda_ flew into his Arms, whilst _Marraton_ wished himself disencumbered of that Body which kept her from his Embraces. After many Questions and Endearments on both Sides, she conducted him to a Bower which she had dressed with her own Hands with all the Ornaments that could be met with in those blooming Regions. She had made it gay beyond Imagination, and was every day adding something new to it. As _Marraton_ stood astonished at the unspeakable Beauty of her Habitation, and ravished with the Fragrancy that came from every Part of it, _Yaratilda_ told him that she was preparing this Bower for his Reception, as well knowing that his Piety to his God, and his faithful Dealing towards Men, would certainly bring him to that happy Place whenever his Life should be at an End. She then brought two of her Children to him, who died some Years before, and resided with her in the same delightful Bower, advising him to breed up those others which were still with him in such a Manner, that they might hereafter all of them meet together in this happy Place.

The Tradition tells us further, that he had afterwards a Sight of those dismal Habitations which are the Portion of ill Men after Death; and mentions several Molten Seas of Gold, in which were plunged the Souls of barbarous _Europeans_, [who [5]] put to the Sword so many Thousands of poor _Indians_ for the sake of that precious Metal: But having already touched upon the chief Points of this Tradition, and exceeded the Measure of my Paper, I shall not give any further Account of it.

C.

[Footnote 1: Albertus Magnus, a learned Dominican who resigned, for love of study, his bishopric of Ratisbon, died at Cologne in 1280. In alchemy a distinction was made between stone and spirit, as between body and soul, substance and accident. The evaporable parts were called, in alchemy, spirit and soul and accident.]

[Footnote 2: See No. 50.]

[Footnote 3: described]

[Footnote 4: an]

[Footnote 5: that]

* * * * *

No. 57. Saturday, May 5, 1711. Addison.

'Quem præstare potest mulier galeata pudorem,
Quæ fugit à Sexu!'

Juv.

When the Wife of _Hector_, in _Homer's Iliads_, discourses with her Husband about the Battel in which he was going to engage, the Hero, desiring her to leave that Matter to his Care, bids her go to her Maids and mind her Spinning: [1] by which the Poet intimates, that Men and Women ought to busy themselves in their proper Spheres, and on such Matters only as are suitable to their respective Sex.

I am at this time acquainted with a young Gentleman, who has passed a great Part of his Life in the Nursery, and, upon Occasion, can make a Caudle or a Sack-Posset better than any Man in _England_. He is likewise a wonderful Critick in Cambrick and Muslins, and will talk an Hour together upon a Sweet-meat. He entertains his Mother every Night with Observations that he makes both in Town and Court: As what Lady shews the nicest Fancy in her Dress; what Man of Quality wears the fairest Whig; who has the finest Linnen, who the prettiest Snuff-box, with many other the like curious Remarks that may be made in good Company.

On the other hand I have very frequently the Opportunity of seeing a Rural _Andromache_, who came up to Town last Winter, and is one of the greatest Fox-hunters in the Country. She talks of Hounds and Horses, and makes nothing of leaping over a Six-bar Gate. If a Man tells her a waggish Story, she gives him a Push with her Hand in jest, and calls him an impudent Dog; and if her Servant neglects his Business, threatens to kick him out of the House. I have heard her, in her Wrath, call a Substantial Trades-man a Lousy Cur; and remember one Day, when she could not think of the Name of a Person, she described him in a large Company of Men and Ladies, by the Fellow with the Broad Shoulders.

If those Speeches and Actions, which in their own Nature are indifferent, appear ridiculous when they proceed from a wrong Sex, the Faults and Imperfections of one Sex transplanted into another, appear black and monstrous. As for the Men, I shall not in this Paper any further concern my self about them: but as I would fain contribute to make Womankind, which is the most beautiful Part of the Creation, entirely amiable, and wear out all those little Spots and Blemishes that are apt to rise among the Charms which Nature has poured out upon them, I shall dedicate this Paper to their Service. The Spot which I would here endeavour to clear them of, is that Party-Rage which of late Years is very much crept into their Conversation. This is, in its Nature, a Male Vice, and made up of many angry and cruel Passions that are altogether repugnant to the Softness, the Modesty, and those other endearing Qualities which are natural to the Fair Sex. Women were formed to temper Mankind, and sooth them into Tenderness and Compassion, not to set an Edge upon their Minds, and blow up in them those Passions which are too apt to rise of their own Accord. When I have seen a pretty Mouth uttering Calumnies and Invectives, what would not I have given to have stopt it? How have I been troubled to see some of the finest Features in the World grow pale, and tremble with Party-Rage? _Camilla_ is one of the greatest Beauties in the _British_ Nation, and yet values her self more upon being the _Virago_ of one Party, than upon being the Toast of both. The Dear Creature, about a Week ago, encountered the fierce and beautiful _Penthesilea_ across a Tea-Table; but in the Height of her Anger, as her Hand chanced to shake with the Earnestness of the Dispute, she scalded her Fingers, and spilt a Dish of Tea upon her Petticoat. Had not this Accident broke off the Debate, no Body knows where it would have ended.

There is one Consideration which I would earnestly recommend to all my Female Readers, and which, I hope, will have some weight with them. In short, it is this, that there is nothing so bad for the Face as Party-Zeal. It gives an ill-natured Cast to the Eye, and a disagreeable Sourness to the Look; besides, that it makes the Lines too strong, and flushes them worse than Brandy. I have seen a Woman's Face break out in Heats, as she has been talking against a great Lord, whom she had never seen in her Life; and indeed never knew a Party-Woman that kept her Beauty for a Twelvemonth. I would therefore advise all my Female Readers, as they value their Complexions, to let alone all Disputes of this Nature; though, at the same time, I would give free Liberty to all superannuated motherly Partizans to be as violent as they please, since there will be no Danger either of their spoiling their Faces, or of their gaining Converts.

[2] For my own part, I think a Man makes an odious and despicable Figure, that is violent in a Party: but a Woman is too sincere to mitigate the Fury of her Principles with Temper and Discretion, and to act with that Caution and Reservedness which are requisite in our Sex. When this unnatural Zeal gets into them, it throws them into ten thousand Heats and Extravagancies; their generous [Souls [3]] set no Bounds to their Love or to their Hatred; and whether a Whig or Tory, a Lap-Dog or a Gallant, an Opera or a Puppet-Show, be the Object of it, the Passion, while it reigns, engrosses the whole Woman.

I remember when Dr. _Titus Oates_ [4] was in all his Glory, I accompanied my Friend WILL. [HONEYCOMB] [5] in a Visit to a Lady of his Acquaintance: We were no sooner sat down, but upon casting my Eyes about the Room, I found in almost every Corner of it a Print that represented the Doctor in all Magnitudes and Dimensions. A little after, as the Lady was discoursing my Friend, and held her Snuff-box in her Hand, who should I see in the Lid of it but the Doctor. It was not long after this, when she had Occasion for her Handkerchief, which upon the first opening discovered among the Plaits of it the Figure of the Doctor. Upon this my Friend WILL., who loves Raillery, told her, That if he was in Mr. _Truelove's_ Place (for that was the Name for her Husband) she should be made as uneasy by a Handkerchief as ever _Othello_ was. _I am afraid,_ said she, _Mr._ [HONEYCOMB,[6]] _you are a Tory; tell me truly, are you a Friend to the Doctor or not?_ WILL., instead of making her a Reply, smiled in her Face (for indeed she was very pretty) and told her that one of her Patches was dropping off. She immediately adjusted it, and looking a little seriously, _Well_, says she, _I'll be hang'd if you and your silent Friend there are not against the Doctor in your Hearts, I suspected as much by his saying nothing_. Upon this she took her Fan into her Hand, and upon the opening of it again displayed to us the Figure of the Doctor, who was placed with great Gravity among the Sticks of it. In a word, I found that the Doctor had taken Possession of her Thoughts, her Discourse, and most of her Furniture; but finding my self pressed too close by her Question, I winked upon my Friend to take his Leave, which he did accordingly.

C.

[Footnote 1: Hector's parting from Andromache, at the close of Book VI.

No more--but hasten to thy tasks at home,
There guide the spindle, and direct the loom;
Me glory summons to the martial scene,
The field of combat is the sphere for men.]

[Footnote 2: Not a new paragraph in the first issue.]

[Footnote 3: "Souls (I mean those of ordinary Women)." This, however, was cancelled by an Erratum in the next number.]

[Footnote 4: Addison was six years old when Titus Oates began his 'Popish Plot' disclosures. Under a name which called up recollections of the vilest trading upon theological intolerance, he here glances at Dr. Henry Sacheverell, whose trial (Feb. 27-March 20, 1710) for his sermons in praise of the divine right of kings and contempt of the Whigs, and his sentence of suspension for three years, had caused him to be admired enthusiastically by all party politicians who were of his own way of thinking. The change of person pleasantly puts 'Tory' for 'Whig,' and avoids party heat by implying a suggestion that excesses are not all on one side. Sacheverell had been a College friend of Addison's. He is the 'dearest Harry' for whom, at the age of 22, Addison wrote his metrical 'Account of the greatest English Poets' which omitted Shakespeare from the list.]

[Footnotes 5: Honycombe]

* * * * *

No. 58. Monday, May 7, 1711. Addison.

Ut pictura poesis erit ...

Hor.