Chapter M: MERRY. reads

"Sweet Mistress, where as I love you nothing at all,
Regarding your substance and riches chief of all;
For your personage, beauty, demeanour and wit,
I commend me unto you never a whit.
Sorry to bear report of your good welfare,
For, (as I hear say) such your conditions are,
That ye be worthy favour of no living man;
To be abhorred of every honest man.
To be taken for a woman inclined to vice;
Nothing at all to virtue giving her due price.
Wherefore concerning marriage ye are thought
Such a fine paragon as ne'er honest man bought.
And now by these presents I do you advertise,
That I am minded to marry you in no wise.
For your goods and substance, I could be content
To take you as ye are. If ye mind to be my wife,
Ye shall be assured, for the time of my life,
I will keep ye right well from good raiment and fare;
Ye shall not be kept but in sorrow and care.
Ye shall in no wise live at your own liberty;
Do and say what ye lust, ye shall never please me;
But when ye are merry, I will be all sad;
When ye are sorry, I will be very glad.
When ye seek your heart's ease, I will be unkind;
At no time in me shall ye much gentleness find;
But all things contrary to your will and mind
Shall be done: otherwise I will not be behind
To speak. And as for all them that would do you wrong,
I will so help and maintain, ye shall not live long.
Nor any foolish dolt shall cumber you, but I;
I, whoe'er say nay, will stick by you, till I die.
Thus, good Mistress Custance, the Lord you save and keep
From me, Roister Doister, whether I wake or sleep,
Who favoureth you no less (ye may be bold)
Than this letter purporteth, which ye have unfold."[124]

C. CUSTANCE. How, by this letter of love? is it not fine?

R. ROISTER. By the Arms of Calais, it is none of mine.

M. MERRY. Fie! you are foul to blame; this is your own hand.

C. CUSTANCE. Might not a woman be proud of such an husband?

M. MERRY. Ah, that ye would in a letter show such despite!

R. ROISTER. O, I would I had him here, the which did it indite!

M. MERRY. Why, ye made it yourself, ye told me, by this light!

R. ROISTER. Yea, I meant I wrote it mine own self yesternight.

C. CUSTANCE. I-wis, sir, I would not have sent you such a mock.

R. ROISTER. Ye may so take it; but I meant it not so, by Cock.

M. MERRY. Who can blame this woman to fume, and fret, and rage?
Tut, tut, yourself now have marred your own marriage. [_Aside._
Well yet, Mistress Custance, if ye can this remit;
This gentleman otherwise may your love requite.

C. CUSTANCE. No, God be with you both, and seek no more to me.
[_Exit._

R. ROISTER. Wough! she is gone for ever, I shall her no more see.

M. MERRY. What, weep? Fie for shame! And blubber? For manhood's sake!
Never let your foe so much pleasure of you take.
Rather play the man's part, and do love refrain:
If she despise you, e'en despise ye her again.

R. ROISTER. By Goss[125] and for thy sake, I defy her indeed!

M. MERRY. Yea, and perchance that way ye shall much sooner speed;
For one mad property these women have, in fay,[126]
When ye will, they will not: will not ye? then will they.
Ah, foolish woman! ah, most unlucky Custance!
Ah, unfortunate woman! ah, peevish Custance,
Art thou to thine harms so obstinately bent,
That thou canst not see where lieth thine high preferment?
Canst thou not lub dis man, which could lub dee so well?
Art thou so much thine own foe?

R. ROISTER. Thou dost the truth tell.

M. MERRY. Well, I lament.

R. ROISTER. So do I.

M. MERRY. Wherefore?

R. ROISTER. For this thing,
Because she is gone.

M. MERRY. I mourn for another thing.

R. ROISTER. What is it, Merrygreek, wherefore thou dost grief take?

M. MERRY. That I am not a woman myself, for your sake.
I would have you myself, and a straw for yond Gill,
And mock much of you, though it were against my will.
I would not, I warrant you, fall in such a rage,
As so to refuse such a goodly personage.

R. ROISTER. In faith, I heartily thank thee, Merrygreek.

M. MERRY. And I were a woman----

R. ROISTER. Thou wouldest to me seek.

M. MERRY. For, though I say it, a goodly person ye be.

R. ROISTER. No, no.

M. MERRY. Yes, a goodly man, as e'er I did see.

R. ROISTER. No, I am a poor homely man, as God made me.

M. MERRY. By the faith that I owe to God, sir, but ye be.
Would I might, for your sake, spend a thousand pound land.

R. ROISTER. I daresay thou wouldest have me to thy husband.

M. MERRY. Yea, and I were the fairest lady in the shire,
And knew you as I know you, and see you now here--
Well, I say no more--

R. ROISTER. Gramercies, with all my heart.

M. MERRY. But, since that cannot be, will ye play a wise part?

R. ROISTER. How should I?

M. MERRY. Refrain from Custance a while now,
And I warrant her soon right glad to seek to you.
Ye shall see her anon come on her knees creeping,
And pray you to be good to her, salt tears weeping.

R. ROISTER. But what, and she come not?

M. MERRY. In faith, then, farewell she.
Or else, if ye be wroth, ye may avenged be.

R. ROISTER. By Cock's precious potstick, and e'en so I shall;
I will utterly destroy her, and house and all.
But I would be avenged in the mean space,
On that vile scribbler, that did my wooing disgrace.

M. MERRY. Scribbler, ko you? Indeed, he is worthy no less.
I will call him to you, and ye bid me, doubtless.

R. ROISTER. Yes, for although he had as many lives
As a thousand widows and a thousand wives,
As a thousand lions and a thousand rats,
A thousand wolves and a thousand cats,
A thousand bulls and a thousand calves,
And a thousand legions divided in halves,
He shall never 'scape death on my sword's point,
Though I should be torn therefore joint by joint.

M. MERRY. Nay, if ye will kill him, I will not fet him,
I will not in so much extremity set him.
He may yet amend, sir, and be an honest man;
Therefore pardon him, good soul, as much as ye can.

R. ROISTER. Well, for thy sake, this once with his life he shall pass;
But I will hew him all to pieces, by the mass--

M. MERRY. Nay, faith, ye shall promise that he shall no harm have,
Else I will not fet him.

R. ROISTER. I shall, so God me save!
But I may chide him a good.[127]

M. MERRY. Yea, that do hardily.

R. ROISTER. Go then.

M. MERRY. I return, and bring him to you by and by.[128] [_Ex._

ACTUS III., SCÆNA V.

ROISTER DOISTER, MATTHEW MERRYGREEK.

R. ROISTER. What is a gentleman, but his word and his promise?
I must now save this villain's life in any wise;
And yet at him already my hands do tickle,
I shall unneth[129] hold them, they will be so fickle.
But lo, and Merrygreek have not brought him sens![130]

M. MERRY. Nay, I would I had of my purse paid fortypence.

SCRIVENER. So would I too; but it needed not that stound.[131]

M. MERRY. But the gentman had rather spent five thousand pound;
For it disgraced him at least five times as much.

[_Enter_ SCRIVENER _at one side_.]

SCRIVENER. He disgraced himself, his loutishness is such.

R. ROISTER. How long they stand prating. (_To Merry._)
Why com'st thou not away?

M. MERRY. (_to Scriv._) Come now to himself, and hark what he will say.

SCRIVENER. I am not afraid in his presence to appear.

R ROISTER. Art thou come, fellow?

SCRIVENER. How think you? Am I not here?

R. ROISTER. What hindrance hast thou done me, and what villainy!

SCRIVENER. It hath come of thyself, if thou hast had any.

R. ROISTER. All the stock thou comest of, later or rather,[132]
From thy first father's grandfather's father's father,
Nor all that shall come of thee, to the world's end,
Though to three score generations they descend,
Can be able to make a just recompense
For this trespass of thine and this one offence.

SCRIVENER. Wherein?

R. ROISTER. Did not you make me a letter, brother?

SCRIVENER. Pay the like hire, I will make you such an other.

R. Roister. Nay, see, and these whoreson Pharisees and Scribes
Do not get their living by polling[133] and bribes.
If it were not for shame----

M. MERRY. Nay, hold thy hands still.[134]
Why, did ye not promise that ye would not him spill?[135]

SCRIVENER. Let him not spare me.

R. ROISTER. Why, wilt thou strike me again?

SCRIVENER. Ye shall have as good as ye bring of me, that is plain.