Chapter XXV: Prologue (2)

From the following passage, in Nash's "Lenten Stuff," 1599, it may be
inferred that it was once customary to eat _bread and salt_ previous
to the taking an oath: "Venus, for Hero was her Priest, and Juno
Lucina the Midwife's Goddess, for she was now quickened, and cast away
by the cruelty of Æolus, took _bread and salt_, and eat it, that they
would be smartly revenged on that truculent, windy jailor," &c.

[228] [Brat.]

[229] Counsel or advice. So in act iv., sc. 2--

"Therefore I _reed_ you three, go hence and within keep close."

Again--

"Well, if ye will be ordered and do by my _reed_."

Again, act v., sc. 2--

"And where ye sat, he said full certain, if I would follow his
_reed_."

Again, in Erasmus's "Praise of Folie," by Chaloner, sig. D 3: "Vnles
perchaunce some would chuse suche a souldiour as was Demosthenes, who
folowying Archilocus the poetes _rede_, scarse lookynge his enemies in
the face, threw downe his shelde and ranne awaie, as cowardly a
warriour as he was a wyse oratour."

The old version of the singing Psalms also begins in this manner--

"The man is blest that hath not bent
To wicked _rede_ his ear."

[230] _i.e._, Gladly know. So in Shakpeare's "Antony and Cleopatra,"
act i., sc. 1--

"In which I bind,
On pain of punishment, the world to _weete_,
We stand up peerless."

The [form] _weet_ is also used by Spenser and Fairfax.

[231] In the ancient moralities, and in many of the earliest
entertainments of the stage, the devil is introduced as a character,
and it appears to have been customary to bring him before the audience
with this cry of _ho, ho, ho_. See particularly the "Devil is an Ass,"
by Ben Jonson, act. i., sc. 1. From the following passages in "Wily
Beguiled," 1606, we learn the manner in which the character used to be
dressed:--"Tush! fear not the dodge: I'll rather put on my flashing
red nose and my flaming face, and come wrapp'd in a calf's skin, and
cry, _ho, ho_," &c. Again, "I'll put me on my great carnation nose,
and wrap me in a rowsing calf's skin suit, and come like some
hobgoblin, or some devil ascended from the grisly pit of hell; and
like a scarbabe make him take his legs: I'll play the devil, I warrant
ye."

[232] To _palter_ is, as Dr Johnson explains it, to _shuffle_ with
ambiguous expressions. Thus--

"And be these juggling fiends no more believ'd,
That _palter_ with us in a double sense."

--_Macbeth_, act v., sc. 8.

In confirmation of Dr Johnson's explanation, Mr Steevens produces the
following instances:--

"Now fortune, frown, and _palter_, if thou please."

--_Marius and Sylla_, 1594.

"Romans that have spoke the word,
And will not _palter_."

--_Englishmen for my Money_, c. 3.--_O. G._

[233] I suppose he means to say a little _room_; and therefore retires
till Gammer Gurton has uttered her complaint--S.

[234] I imagine this word was formerly used to signify _sharp_. So in
"The Woman's Prize," by Beaumont and Fletcher, act ii., sc. 4--

"They heave ye stool on stool, and fling [a-]main pot-lids
Like massy rocks dart ladles, tossing irons
And tongs like thunder-bolts, till overlaid
They fall beneath the weight."

[Dyce's B. and F. vii., 140.]

[235] The ancient spurs were fixed into straps of leather. Spurriers,
of course, would be obliged to use very strong needles.--_S._

[236] Who was it, dear son? So in the ballad-poem of "Adam Bell,"
&c.--

"Ye myght have asked towres and towne,
Parkes and forestes plentie,
None so pleasaunt to my pay, she said;
Nor none so _lefe_ to me."

[--Hazlitt's _Popular Poetry_, ii. 160.]

[237] _Our_, first edition.

[238] "As brisk as a body-louse was formerly proverbial." See Ray's
"Proverbs," 1742, p. 219.

[239] "_Callet_, a lewd woman, a drab." [See Nares, edit. 1859, p.
128.] So in the "Supposes," by Geo. Gascoigne, act v., sc. 6: "Come
hither, you old _kallat_, you tatling huswife: that the deuill cut
oute your tong."

Again, in Jonson's "Fox," act iv., sc. 3--

"Why, the callet
You told me of here I have ta'en disguis'd."

_Callett_ is elsewhere used for stupid, inactive--

"Bid maudlin lay the cloth, take up the meat;
Look how she stirres; you sullen elfe, you _callett_,
Is this the haste you make?"

--_Englishmen for my Money_, 1631.--_O. G._

See other instances in Dr Grey's "Notes on Shakspeare," vol. ii., p.
41.

[240] _Slygh._--First edition.

[241] _Slepe not you gere._--First edition.

[242] Pebble-stones. A _cobble_ in the north signifies a _pebble_. To
_cobble_ is to throw stones. See Ray.--_S._

[243] By nature.--_S._

[244] This passage evidently shows that music playing between the acts
was introduced in the earliest of our dramatic entertainments.

THE THIRD ACT.

THE FIRST SCENE.

HODGE. Sim Glover, yet gramercy! cham meetly well-sped now,
Th 'art even as good a fellow as ever kiss'd a cow.
Here is a thong[245] indeed, by the mass, though ich speak it,
Tom Tankard's great bald curtal,[246] I think, could not break it.
And when he spied my need to be so straight and hard,
Hase lent me here his nawl to set the gib forward.[247]

As for my gammer's nee'le the flying fiend go wi' it,
Chill not now go to the door again with it to meet.
Chould make shift good enough, and chad a candle's end:
The chief hole in my breech with these two chill amend.

THE THIRD ACT.

THE SECOND SCENE.

GAMMER, HODGE.

GAMMER. How, Hodge! may'st now be glad, cha news to tell thee,
Ich know who hase my nee'le, ich trust soon shall it see.

HODGE. The devil thou does; hast heard, gammer, indeed, or dost but
jest?

GAMMER. Tis as true as steel, Hodge.

HODGE. Why, knowest well where didst lese it?

GAMMER. Ich know who found it, and took it up: shalt see, ere it be
long.

HODGE. God's mother dear, if that be true, farewell both nawl and
thong!
But who hase it, gammer, say? one chould fain hear it disclosed.

GAMMER. That false vixen, that same dame Chat, that counts herself
so honest.

HODGE. Who told you so?

GAMMER. That same did Diccon the bedlam, which saw it done.

HODGE. Diccon! it is a vengeable knave, gammer, 'tis a bonable[248]
whoreson,
Can do mo things than that, els cham deceived evil:
By the mass, ich saw him of late call up a great black devil.
O, the knave cried _ho, ho_! he roared and he thundered,
And ye 'ad been here, cham sure you 'ld murrainly ha' wondered.

GAMMER. Was not thou afraid, Hodge, to see him in this place?

HODGE. No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face,
Chould have promised him.

GAMMER. But, Hodge, had he no horns to push?

HODGE. As long as your two arms. Saw ye never Friar Rush
Painted on a cloth with a side-long cow's tail,
And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail?
For all the world (if I should judge) chould reckon him his brother:
Look, even what face Friar Rush[249] had, the devil had such another.

GAMMER. Now, Jesus mercy, Hodge, did Diccon in him bring?

HODGE. Nay, gammer (hear me speak), chill tell you a greater thing.
The devil, when Diccon bad him (ich heard him wondrous well)
Said plainly (here before us) that dame Chat had your nee'le.

GAMMER. Then let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it;
Seeing we know so much, 'twere madness now to slip it.

HODGE. Go to her, gammer, see ye not where she stands in her doors?
Bid her give you the nee'le; 'tis none of hers, but yours.

THE THIRD ACT.

THE THIRD SCENE.

GAMMER, CHAT, HODGE.

GAMMER. Dame Chat, ch' ould pray thee fair, let me have that is mine,
Chill not these twenty years take one fart that is thine;
Therefore give me mine own, and let me live beside thee--

CHAT. Why art thou crept from home hither to mine own doors to chide
me?
Hence, doating drab, avaunt, or I shall set thee further.
Intends thou and this knave me in my house to murther?

GAMMER. Tush! gape not so on[250] me, woman: shalt not yet eat me,
Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not entreat me;
Mine own goods I will have, and ask thee no[251] by'r leave:
What, woman, poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve.

CHAT. Give thee thy right, and hang thee up, with all thy beggar's
brood!
What, wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good?

GAMMER. Chill say nothing (ich warrant thee), but that ich can prove
it well,
Thou fet my good even from my door, cham able this to tell.

CHAT. Did I (old witch) steal ought was thine? how should that thing
be known?

GAMMER. Ich cannot tell, but up thou tookest it, as though it had
been thine own.

CHAT. Marry, fie on thee, thou old gib, with all my very heart.

GAMMER. Nay, fie on thee, thou ramp,[252] thou rig,[253] with all that
take thy part.

CHAT. A vengeance on those lips that layeth such things to my charge.

GAMMER. A vengeance on those callet's hips, whose conscience is
so large.

CHAT. Come out, hog.

GAMMER. Come out, hog, and let have me right.

CHAT. Thou arrant witch.

GAMMER. Thou bawdy bitch, chill make thee curse this night.

Chat. A bag and a wallet![254]

GAMMER. A cart for a callet!

CHAT. Why, weenest[255] thou thus to prevail?
I hold thee a groat,
I shall patch thy coat.

GAMMER. Thou wert as good kiss my tail;
Thou slut, thou cut,[256] thou rakes, thou jakes, will not shame make
thee hide thee?[257]

CHAT. Thou skald, thou bald, thou rotten,[258] thou glutton, I will
no longer chide thee;
But I will teach thee to keep home.

GAMMER. Wilt thou, drunken beast? [_They fight._

HODGE. Stick to her, gammer, take her by the head, chill warrant
you this feast.
Smite, I say, gammer,
Bite, I say, gammer;
I trow ye will be keen;
Where be your nails? claw her by the jaws, pull me out both her eyen.
Gog's bones, gammer, hold up your head.

CHAT. I trow, drab, I shall dress thee.
Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat, I shall make these hands
bless thee.

[GURTON.] Take thou this, old whore, for amends, and learn thy
tongue well to tame,
And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow,[259] but thy dame.

HODGE. Where is the strong stewed whore?[260] chill gi 'r a whore's
mark.
Stand out one's way, that ich kill none in the dark.
Up, gammer, and ye be alive, chill fight[261] now for us both;
Come no near me, thou scald callet, to kill thee ich were loth.

CHAT. Art here again, thou hoddypeke?[262] what, Doll, bring me out
my spit.

HODGE. Chill broach thee with this, by m' father's soul, chill
conjure that foul spreet.
Let door stand, Cock, why com'st indeed? keep door, thou whoreson boy.

CHAT [_to Doll._] Stand to it, thou dastard, for thine ears; ise teach
the sluttish toy.

HODGE. Gog's wounds, whore, chill make thee avaunt,
Take heed, Cock, pull in the latch.

CHAT. I' faith, sir loose-breech, had ye tarried, ye should have found
your match.

GAMMER. Now 'ware thy throat, losel,[263] thou'se pay for all.

HODGE. Well said, gammer, by my soul.
Hoise her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull her throat-hole.

CHAT. Com'st behind me, thou withered witch? and I get once on foot,
Thou'se pay for all, thou old tar-leather, I'll teach thee what
longs to 't.
Take thee this to make up thy mouth, till time thou come by more.

HODGE. Up, gammer, stand on your feet, where is the old whore?
Faith, would chad her by the face, chould crack her callet crown.

GAMMER. Ah, Hodge, Hodge, where was thy help, when th' vixen had
me down!

HODGE. By the mass, Gammer, but for my staff, Chat had gone nigh to
spill you.
Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not come, to kill you.
But shall we lose our nee'le thus?

GAMMER. No, Hodge, ich were loth to do so.
Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand? no, Hodge, ich tell
thee no.

HODGE. Chould yet this fray were well take up, and our own nee'le
at home,
'Twill be my chance else some to kill, wherever it be or whom.

GAMMER. We have a parson (Hodge, thou knows), a man esteemed wise,
Mast Doctor Rat, chill for him send, and let me hear his advice.
He will her shrive[264] for all this gear, and give her penance
straight.
Wese have our nee'le, else dame Chat comes ne'er within heaven-gate.

HODGE. Yea marry, gammer, that ich think best: will you now for
him send?
The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the sooner wese ha' an end.
And here, gammer, Diccon's devil (as ich remember well)
Of Cat and Chat, and Doctor Rat, a felonious tale did tell,
Chold you forty pound, that is the way your nee'le to get again.

GAMMER. Chill ha' him straight; call out the boy, wese make him
take the pain.

HODGE. What, Cock, I say, come out; what devil, can'st not hear?

COCK.[265] How now, Hodge, how does gammer? is yet the weather clear?
What would chave me to do?

GAMMER. Come hither, Cock, anon.
Hence swith to Doctor Rat hie thee, that thou were gone,
And pray him come speak with me, cham not well at ease:
Shalt have him at his chamber, or else at Mother Bee's,
Else seek him at Hob Filcher's shop; for, as cheard it reported,
There is the best ale in all the town, and now is most resorted.

COCK. And shall ich bring him with me, gammer?

GAMMER. Yea, by and by, good Cock.

COCK.[266] Shalt see that shall be here anon, else let me have on
the dock.

HODGE. Now, gammer, shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming?
What devil, woman, pluck up your heart, and leave off all this
glooming.[267]
Though she were stronger at the first, as ich think ye did find her.
Yet there ye dress'd the drunken sow, what time ye came behind
her.[268]

GAMMER. Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all, for set them to the
beginning,
And ich doubt not, but he will make small boast of her winning.

THE THIRD ACT.

THE FOURTH SCENE.

TIB, HODGE, GAMMER, COCK.

TIB. See, gammer, gammer, Gib our cat, cham afraid what she aileth,
She stands me gasping behind the door, as though her wind her faileth.
Now mot[269] ich doubt what Gib should mean, that now she doth
so doat.[270]

HODGE. Hold hither, ich hold twenty pound, your nee'le is in her
throat.
Grope her, ich say, methinks ich feel it; does not prick your hand?

GAMMER. Ich can feel nothing.

HODGE. No! ich know that's not within this land
A murrainer cat than Gib is, betwixt the Thames and Tyne,
Sh'ase as much wit in her head almost as ch'ave in mine.

TIB. Faith, sh'ase eaten something, that will not easily down,
Whether she gat it at home, or abroad in the town,
Ich cannot tell.

GAMMER. Alas! ich fear it be some crooked pin,
And then farewell Gib, she is undone and lost, all save the skin.

HODGE. 'Tis[271] your nee'le, woman, I say; Gog's soul, give me
a knife,
And chill have it out of her maw, or else chall lose my life.

GAMMER. What! nay, Hodge, fie, kill not our cat, 'tis all the cats
we ha' now.

HODGE. By the mass, dame Chat hase me so moved, ich care not
what I kill, ma' God a vow.
Go to then, Tib, to this gear, hold up her tail and take her,
Chill see what devil is in her guts, chill take the pains to rake her.

GAMMER. Rake a cat, Hodge! what wouldest thou do?

HODGE. What, think'st that cham not able?
Did not Tom Tankard rake his curtal t'o'er day standing in the stable?

GAMMER. Soft, be content, let's hear what news Cock bringeth from
Master Rat.

COCK. Gammer, chave been there as you bad, you wot well about what.
'Twill not be long before he come, ich durst swear off a book,
He bid you see ye be at home, and there for him to look.

GAMMER. Where didst thou find him, boy? was he not where I told thee?

COCK. Yes, yes, even at Hob Filcher's house, by him that bought and
sold me:
A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fire:
Chad much a-do to go and come, all was so full of mire:
And, gammer, one thing I can tell: Hob Filcher's nawl was lost,
And Doctor Rat found it again, hard beside the door-post.
Ich hold a penny can say something, your nee'le again to fet.[272]

GAMMER. Cham glad to hear so much, Cock, then trust he will not let
To help us herein best he can; therefore, till time he come,
Let us go in, if there be ought to get, thou shalt have some.

FOOTNOTES:

[245] [Altered by Dodsley. Old edition has _thing_.]

[246] _Curtal_ is a _small horse_; properly one who hath his tail
_docked or curtailed_. So, in Dekker's "Villanies discovered by
Lanthorne and Candlelight," &c., 1620, sig. H.: "He could shewe more
crafty foxes in this wild goose chase, then there are white foxes in
Russia; and more strange horse-trickes plaide by such riders, then
_Bankes his curtal_ did ever practise (whose gambals of the two were
the honester)."

[247] A naval phrase. The gib is the gib-sail. To set a sail, is also
the technical term.--_S._

[248] [Abominable.]

[249] _Friar Rush_ is mentioned in Reginald Scot's "Discoverie of
Witchcraft," 1584, p. 522: "_Frier Rush_ was for all the world such
another fellow as this _Hudgin_, and brought up even in the same
schoole; to wit, in a kitchen: insomuch as the selfsame tale is
written of the one as of the other concerning the skullian, which is
said to have been slaine, &c. For the reading whereof I referre you to
_Frier Rush_ his storie, or else to John Wierus 'De præstigiis
demonum.'"

[250] Old copy, _no_.

[251] Old copy, _on_.

[252] Gabriel Harvey, in his "Pierces Supererogation," 1593, speaking
of Long Meg of Westminster, says: "Although she were a lusty, bouncing
_rampe_, somewhat like Gallimetta or maid Marian, yet was she not such
a roinish rannel, such a dissolute flirt gillian," &c.

[253] Thou strumpet. See Note on "Antony and Cleopatra," Shakspeare,
1778, vol. viii., p. 175.--_S._

So in Davies's "Scourge of Polly" [1611]--

"Or wanton _Rigg_, or letcher dissolute,
Do stand at Powles Crosse in a sheeten sute."--_Reed._

[254] The accoutrements of an itinerant trull.--_S._

[255] Thinkest or imaginest.

[256] _Cut_ appears to have been an opprobrious term used by the
vulgar when they scolded or abused each other. It occurs again, act
v., sc. 2: "That lying _cut_ is lost, that she is not swinged and
beaten."

A horse is sometimes called _Cut_ in our ancient writers, as in the
"First Part of Henry IV.," act ii., sc. 1., and Falstaff says: "If I
tell thee a lye, spit in my face, and call me _horse_." _Cut_ is
therefore probably used in the same sense as _horse_, to which it
seems to have been synonymous. Several instances of the use of this
term are collected by Mr Steevens, in his edition of Shakspeare; see
vol. iv., p. 202.

It appears probable to me that the opprobrious epithet _Cut_ arose
from the practice of cutting the hair of convicted thieves; which was
anciently the custom in England, as appears from the edicts of John de
Northampton against adulterers, who thought, with Paulo Migante, that

"England ne'er would thrive,
Till all the whores were burnt alive."

--See Holinshed, vol. 9., 754, Ed. 1807.--_O. G._

[257] [_Thee_ is not in the old copy.]

[258] _i.e._, Rat. So in one of the Chester Whitsun plays--

"Here is a _rotten_, there a mouse."--_S._

[259] Not thy equal, but thy mistress.

[260] _i.e._, Rank strumpet from the stews.--_S._

[261] _Fygh_--First edition.

[262] _i.e._, Hodmandod.--_S._

I find this word used in Nash's "Anatomie of Absurditie," 1589, sig.
B., where it seems intended as synonymous to _cuckold_: "But women,
through want of wisedome, are growne to such wantonesse, that uppon no
occasion they will crosse the streete, to have a glaunce of some
gallant, deeming that men by one looke of them shoulde be in love with
them, and will not stick to make an errant over the way, to purchase a
paramour to help at a pinche, who, under hur husbands, that _hoddy
peekes_ nose, must have all the destilling dew of his delicate rose,
leaving him onely a sweet sent, good inough for such a sencelesse
sotte."

[263] A _losel_ is a worthless fellow. It is a term of contempt
frequently used by Spenser. It is likewise to be met with in the
"Death of Robert, Earl of Huntington," 1601:

"To have the lozels company."

Again, in "The Pinner of Wakefield," 1599:

"Peace, prating lozel," &c.

See Mr Steevens's "Notes on Shakspeare," vol. iv., p. 337. Again, in
Hall's "Satires," edit. 1753, p. 78--

"How his enraged ghost would stamp and stare,
That Cæsar's throne is turn'd to Peter chayre,
To see an old shorne _lozel_ perched high,
Crossing beneath a golden canopy."

See Holinshed's "Chron.," edit. 1577, vol. ii., p. 740 ("Five Days'
Pastime," p. 67); "Englishmen for my Money," p. 42; Holinshed, vol.
v., p. 208.--_O. G._

[264] Confess.

[265] _Gammer_ in the first edition.

[266] _Hodge_ in the first edition.

[267] _i.e._, Sulky, gloomy looks. It is still said, in vulgar
language, that a discontented person looks _glum_.--_S._

[268] This line is given to Gammer Gurton in the first edition.

[269] Old copy, _let_.

[270] That is, appear so mad. _To doat_ and _to be mad_ were used as
synonymous terms. See Baret's "Alvearie," _v. Dote_.

[271] Old copy has _Tyb_.

THE FOURTH ACT.

THE FIRST SCENE.

DOCTOR RAT, GAMMER GURTON.

DOCTOR RAT. A man were better twenty times be a bandog and bark,
Than here among such a sort be parish priest or clerk.
Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while[273] a day,
But he must trudge about the town this way, and [then] that way,
Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent,
And that which is worst of all, at every knave's commandment.
I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale,
But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straightway at my tail;
And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot not what:
If once her finger's-end but ache: trudge, call for Doctor Rat.
And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose,
For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe-pig or a goose.
I warrant you, when truth is known, and told they have their tale,
The matter whereabout I come is not worth a half-pennyworth of ale:
Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a gloser
But ere the year come at an end, I shall be sure the loser.
What work ye, Gammer Gurton? know here is your friend Doctor Rat.

GAMMER. Ah! good master Doctor, 'ch a troubled, 'ch a troubled
you, 'ch wot well that.

DOCTOR RAT. How do ye, woman? be ye lusty, or be ye not well at ease?

GAMMER. By Gis,[274] master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease.
Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you by gigs.

DOCTOR RAT. Hath your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her
pigs?

GAMMER. No, but chad been as good they had, as this, ich wot well.

DOCTOR RAT. What is the matter?

GAMMER. Alas, alas, 'ch a lost my good nee'le.
My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what? a drab came by, and spied it,
And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it.

DOCTOR RAT. What was she that--

GAMMER. A dame, ich warrant you: she began to scold and brawl;
Alas, alas, come hither, Hodge; this wretch can tell you all.

THE FOURTH ACT.

THE SECOND SCENE.

HODGE, DOCTOR RAT, GAMMER, DICCON, CHAT.

HODGE. Good morrow, Gaffer Vicar.

DOCTOR RAT. Come on, fellow, let us hear.
Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear?
Let's see what thou canst say.

HODGE. By m' fay, sir, that ye shall,
What matter soever here was done, ich can tell your maship:
My Gammer Gurton here, see now,
Sat her down at this door, see now,
And as she began to stir her, see now,
Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now,
And while her staff she took, see now,
At Gib her cat to fling, see now,
Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now;
Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?
Then came the quean dame Chat, see now,
To ask for her black cup, see now:
And even here at this gate, see now,
She took that nee'le up, see now,
My gammer then she yede,[275] see now,
Her nee'le again to bring, see now,
And was caught by the head, see now;
Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?
She tare my gammer's coat, see now,
And scratched her by the face, see now,
Chad thought sh'ad stopp'd her throat, see now;
Is not this a wondrous case, see now?
When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now,
And stert between them twain, see now,
Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now,
My gammer had been slain, see now.

GAMMER. This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told.
And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould.
But help us, good master, beseech ye that ye do,
Else shall we both be beaten, and lose our nee'le too.

DOCTOR RAT. What would ye have me to do? tell me, that I were gone,
I will do the best that I can to set you both at one.
But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le found?

GAMMER. Here comes the man, that see her take it up off the ground,
Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me,
And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and Saint Charity.[276]

DOCTOR RAT. Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express.
Wilt thou be sworn, thou seest dame Chat this woman's nee'le have?

DICCON. Nay, by Saint Benet, will I not, then might ye think me
rave.[277]

GAMMER. Why did'st not thou tell me so even here? canst thou for
shame deny it?

DICCON. Ay, marry, gammer: but I said I would not abide by it.

DOCTOR RAT. Will you say a thing, and not stick to it to try it?

DICCON. Stick to it, quoth you, Master Rat? marry, sir, I defy it.[278]
Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blown
In his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by him were known:
If such a toy be used oft among the honesty,[279]
It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my degree.

DOCTOR RAT. Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell.

DICCON. Yes, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel:
If mother Chat see all us here, she ['ll] know how the matter goes,
Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within keep close;
And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the matter use,
That ere ye could go twice to church, I warrant you hear news.
She shall look well about her, but I durst lay a pledge,
Ye shall of gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge.

GAMMER. Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let us trudge.

DOCTOR RAT. By the mass, I may not tarry so long to be your judge.

DICCON. 'Tis but a little while, man: what, take so much pain;
If I hear no news of it, I will come soon here[280] again.

HODGE. Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentleness.

DOCTOR RAT. Then let us hie inward, and, Diccon, speed thy business.

DICCON. Now, sirs, do you no more, but keep my counsel just,
And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust;
But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I must,
For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust.
[_Aside._ _Exit._
Good even,[281] dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in this place.

CHAT. Good even, my friend Diccon, whither walk ye this pace?

DICCON. By my truth, even to you, to learn how the world goeth.
Heard ye no more of the other matter, say me now, by your troth?

CHAT. O yes, Diccon: hear the old whore and Hodge that great knave.
But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen: O Lord, I drest them brave.
She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck,
Till I made her old weasand to answer again keck.
And Hodge, that dirty bastard, that at her elbow stands,
If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands,
He had had his beard shaven, if my nails would have served,
And not without a cause, for the knave it well deserved.

DICCON. By the mass, I can[282] thee thank, wench, thou didst so well
acquit thee.

CHAT. And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee beshit
thee
For laughter: the whoreson dolt at last caught up a club,
As though he would have slain the master-devil, Belsabub;
But I set him soon inward.

DICCON. O Lord! there is the thing,
That Hodge is so offended, that makes him start and fling.

CHAT. Why, makes the knave any noiling,[283] as ye have seen or heard?

DICCON. Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he far'd,
And sware by heaven and hell, he would a-wreak his sorrow,
And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the clock to-morrow:
Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust,
Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost.

CHAT. The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground.

DICCON. Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round:
Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead,
A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need?

CHAT. Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down even within these two days.

DICCON. Hodge, he intends this same night to slip in thereaways.

CHAT. O Christ, that I were sure of it! in faith, he should have his
meed.[284]

DICCON. Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your
creed;
I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well.

CHAT. I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to hear tell;
By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter,
He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding water:
With a worse turn besides: when he will, let him come.

DICCON. I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth mum.
Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again. [_Aside._

And lo, where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain.
[_Leaves Mother Chat._

DOCTOR RAT. What good news, Diccon? fellow, is mother Chat at home?

DICCON. She is, sir, and she is not; but it please her to whom:
Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.

DOCTOR RAT. The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it to
pass?

DICCON. I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better.
And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her.

DOCTOR RAT. Why, hast thou spied the nee'le: quickly, I pray thee tell?

DICCON. I have spied it in faith, sir, I handled myself so well;
And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump;
But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump.

DOCTOR RAT. How so, I pray thee, Diccon?

DICCON. Marry, sir, will ye hear?
She was clapp'd down on the backside,[285] by Cock's[286] mother dear,
And there she sat sewing a halter or a band,
With no other thing but gammer's needle in her hand:
As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt,
She needs but once puff, and her candle is out:
Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin,
Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within,
And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two eyes.
Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies.

DOCTOR RAT. O Diccon, that I was not there then in thy stead!

DICCON. Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed,
I will bring you to a place, as the house stands,
Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands.

DOCTOR RAT. For God's sake, do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gown,
To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.

DICCON. Follow me but a little, and mark what I say,
Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way:
See ye not what is here? a hole wherein ye may creep
Into the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap;
There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le together.
Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways hither.

DOCTOR RAT. Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub stands not hereabout?

DICCON. I was within myself, man, even now, there is no doubt.
Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot, sir John,
Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon.
[_D. Rat creeps in._

DOCTOR RAT [_calling from within_]. Help, Diccon,
out alas, I shall be slain among them.

DICCON. If they give you not the needle, tell
them that ye will hang them.
Ware that! how, my wenches, have ye caught the fox,
That used to make revel among your hens and cocks?
Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain.
Gog's bread, I am afraid they will beat out his brain.

DOCTOR RAT. Woe worth the hour that I came here;
And woe worth him that wrought this gear,
A sort of drabs and queans have me blest,
Was ever creature half so evil drest?
Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it,
He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it.
I will spend all I have without my skin,
But he shall be brought to the plight I am in;
Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears,
Will snaffle these murderers, and all that [with] them bears:
I will surely neither bite nor sup,
Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.

FOOTNOTES:

[272] Fetched. So, in "Cynthia's Revels," act i., sc. 2: "Nay, the
other is better, exceeds it much: the invention is farther _fet_ too."

Again, in Ascham's "Toxophilus," p. 15: "And therefore agaynst a
desperate evill began to seeke for a desperate remedie, which was
_fet_ from Rome, a shop alwayes open to any mischief, as you shall
perceive in these few leaves, if you marke them well."

Again, in Lyly's "Euphues," p. 33: "That far _fet_ and deere bought,
is good for ladies."

[273] A proverbial expression used by Ben Jonson in his "Magnetic
Lady," and by Shakspeare in "The Two Gentlemen of Verona." See Mr
Steevens's Note on the latter, and [Hazlitt's "Proverbs," 1869, p.
127.] It is also to be found in Nash's "Lenten Stuff," 1599.

[274] In Shakspeare's "Hamlet," Ophelia sings a song, in which this
adjuration is used--

"_By gys_ and by Saint Charity."

And it is also to be found in Gascoigne's Poems, in Preston's
"Cambyses," and in the comedy of "See me and see me not," 1618--

_"By gisse_ I swear, were I so fairly wed," &c.

Mr Steevens's note on "Hamlet," in which Mr Steevens observes, that
_Saint Charity_ is a known saint among the Roman Catholics. Spenser
mentions her ("Eclog," v., 255):--

"Ah dear Lord and sweet _Saint Charity_!"

Again, in "The Downfall of Robert, Earl of Huntington," 1601--

"Therefore, sweet master, for _Saint Charity_."

--Note on _Hamlet_, act iv., sc. 5.

[Dr Bailey supposes, which is very probable, that this abbreviated or
corrupt form of _Jesus_ arose from] the letters I H S being anciently
all that was set down to denote that sacred name on altars, the covers
of books, &c.

It occurs also in the following passage of Erasmus's "Praise of
Folie," by Chaloner, 1549:--"Lyke as many great lordes there be who
set so muche by theim, as scant they can eate theyr meate, or byde a
minute without theim, cherisshyng them (_by iysse_) a little better
than thei are wont to dooe these frounyng philosophers," &c. Sig. G 2.

Again, in "Euphues and his England," 1582, p. 5:--"Unto whome he
replyed, shoaring up his eyes, '_by Jis_,' soune, I accompt the cheere
good which mainteineth health, and the servauntes honest whome I finde
faythfull."

[275] i.e., _she went_.

"For all _i-yede_ out at one ere,
That in that other she did lere."

--_Romaunt of the Rose._

The word is also used by Spenser and Fairfax.

[276] [See a note _supra_.]

[277] Baret, in his "Alvearie," explains _rave_, "to talke like a
madde bodie."

[278] I refuse, deny the charge.

[279] [Among the honest sort?]

[280] [Original, _sooner_.]

[281] [This should form the commencement of a new scene, but it is not
so marked.]

[282] So the edition of 1575. See note, _supra_.

[283] [Ado. See Nares, edit. 1859, p. 576.]

[284] Reward. It is a word used by Spenser, Shakspeare, and the chief
of our ancient writers.

[285] At the back of her house.

[286] God's, not the boy Cock's.

THE FIFTH ACT.

THE FIRST SCENE.

MASTER BAILY, DOCTOR RAT.

BAILY. I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart,
But either ye are all in the fault, or else in the greatest part.

DOCTOR RAT. If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs,
When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves,
Then I confess my fault herein at this season;
But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.

BAILY. And methinks by your own tale, of all that ye name,
If any played the thief, you were the very same:
The women they did nothing, as your words made probation,
But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.
If that a thief at your window to enter should begin,
Would you hold forth your hand, and help to pull him in?
Or would[287] you keep him out? I pray you answer me.

DOCTOR RAT. Marry, keep him out: and a good cause why.
But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.

BAILY. Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark?
I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose.
Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose,
And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse?
Me-think you may be glad that your[288] luck was no worse.

DOCTOR RAT. Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think?
[_Showing his broken head._

BAILY. Yea, but a man in the dark oft[289] chances to wink,
As soon he smites his father as any other man,
Because, for lack of light, discern him he ne can.
Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?

DOCTOR RAT. I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the
brain:
If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.[290]

BAILY. By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks.
To come in on the back side, when ye might go about,
I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out.

DOCTOR RAT. Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat,
And know what she intended, I ask no more but that.

BAILY. Let her be called, fellow, because of master doctor,
I warrant in this case, she will be her own proctor:
She will tell her own tale, in metre or in prose,
And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose.

THE FIFTH ACT.

THE SECOND SCENE.