Chapter M: Baily, Chat, D. Rat, Gammer, Hodge, Diccon (1)

BAILY. Dame Chat, master doctor upon you here complaineth,
That you and your maids should him much disorder,
And taketh many an oath that no word be feigned,
Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder:
And on his part again, that same man say'th furder,
He never offended you in word nor intent;
To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent.

CHAT. That I would have murdered him! fie on him, wretch!
And evil mought he the for it, our Lord I beseech.
I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts,
He feigneth this tale out of his own guts.
For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down;
[_To D. Rat._] Nay, ye have other minions in the other end of the town,
Where ye were liker to catch such a blow
Than anywhere else, as far as I know.

BAILY. Belike then, master doctor, your[291] stripe
there ye got not.

DOCTOR RAT. Think you I am so mad, that where I was bet, I wot
not?[292]
Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it?
It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it.

CHAT. What, man, will you say I broke your head?

DOCTOR RAT. How canst thou prove the contrary?

CHAT. Nay, how provest thou that I did the deed.

DOCTOR RAT. Too plainly, by St Mary.
This proof, I trow, may serve, though I no word spoke.
[_Showing his broken head._

CHAT. Because thy head is broken, was it I that broke?
I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight.

DOCTOR RAT. No, marry, thou sawest me not; for why thou hadst
no light;
But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks!
And thou groped me, this will declare any day this six weeks.
[_Showing his head._

BAILY. Answer me to this, Master Rat, when caught you this harm
of yours?

DOCTOR RAT. A while ago, sir, God he knoweth; within less than these
two hours.

BAILY. Dame Chat, was there none with you (confess, i' faith) about
that season?
What, woman, let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason.

CHAT. Yes, by my faith, Master Baily, there was a knave not far,
Who caught one good filip on the brow with a door-bar.
And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me:
But what is that to this man, since this was not he?

BAILY. Who was it, then? let's hear.

DOCTOR RAT. Alas, sir, ask you that?
Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame Chat?
The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie;
Only upon a bare nay, she saith it was not I.

CHAT. No, marry, was it not indeed, ye shall hear by this one thing.
This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave me warning.
And bad me well look to my roost and all my capons' pens;
For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens.
Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch;
And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch.
What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gains,
I wot not, but I am sure he had something for his pains.

BAILY. Yet tell'st thou not who it was.

CHAT. Who it was? A false thief,
That came like a false fox, my pullen[293] to kill and mischief.

BAILY. But knowest thou not his name?

CHAT. I know it, but what then?
It was that crafty cullion[294] Hodge, my Gammer Gurton's man.

BAILY. Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks.
I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks.

DOCTOR RAT. I marvel, Master Baily, so bleared be your eyes!
An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies:
When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear,
She layeth the fault on such a one as I know was not there.

CHAT. Was he not there? look on his pate; that shall be his witness.

DOCTOR RAT. I would my head were half so whole, I would seek no
redress.

BAILY. God bless you, Gammer Gurton.

GAMMER. God 'eild[295] ye, master mine.

BAILY. Thou hast a knave within thy house, Hodge, a servant of thine.
They tell me that busy knave is such a filching one,
That hen, pig, goose, or capon, thy neighbour can have none.

GAMMER. By God, cham much a-meved to hear any such report:
Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have him in that sort.

CHAT. A thievisher knave is not on-live, more filching nor more false;
Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse.[296]
And thou his dame of all his theft thou art the sole receiver;
For Hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never new none better.

GAMMER. Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out a-door,
Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her arrant whore.
And ich knew Hodge as bad as t' ou, ich wish me endless sorrow,
And chould not take the pains to hang him up before to-morrow.

CHAT. What have I stolen from thee or thine, thou ill-favor'd old trot?

GAMMER. A great deal more (by God's blest) than chever by thee got,
That thou knowest well, I need not say it.

BAILY. Stop there, I say,
And tell me here, I pray you, this matter by the way:
How chance Hodge is not here? him would I fain have had.

GAMMER. Alas, sir, he'll be here anon; a' be handled too bad.

CHAT. Master Baily, sir, ye be not such a fool, well I know,
But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pad in the straw.
[_Thinking that Hodge his head was broke, and that
Gammer would not let him come before them._

GAMMER. Chill show you his face, ich warrant thee----lo, now where
he is!

BAILY. Come on, fellow; it is told me thou art a shrew,[297] i-wis;
Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox;
Their chickens and their capons too, and now and then their cocks.

HODGE. Ich defy them all that dare it say; cham as true as the best.

BAILY. Wert not thou take within this hour in dame Chat's hens'-nest?

HODGE. Take there! no, master, chould not do't for a house full of
gold.

CHAT. Thou, or the devil in thy coat; swear this I dare be bold.

DOCTOR RAT. Swear me no swearing, quean; the devil he give thee sorrow:
All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-morrow.
Where is the harm he hath? show it, by God's bread,
Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head.

HODGE. Beat me! Gog's blessed body, chould first, ich trow, have burst
thee:
Ich think, and chad my hands loose, callet, chould have crust[298]
thee.

CHAT. Thou shitten knave, I trow, thou knowest the full weight of
my fist.
I am foully deceived, unless thy head and my door-bar kissed.

HODGE. Hold thy chat, whore; thou criest so loud, can no man else
be heard?

CHAT. Well, knave, and I had thee alone, I would surely rap thy
costard.[299]

BAILY. Sir, answer me to this, Is thy head whole or broken?

CHAT. Yea, Master Baily, blest be every good token.

HODGE. Is my head whole? ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurvy nor
scald:
What, you foul beast, does think 'tis either pild or bald?[300]
Nay, ich thank God, chill not for all that thou may'st spend,
That chad one scab on my narse as broad as thy finger's end.

BAILY. Come nearer here.

HODGE. Yes, that ich dare.

BAILY. By our lady, here is no harm:
Hodge's head is whole enough, for all dame Chat's charm.

CHAT. By Gog's blest,[301] however the thing he cloaks or smolders,
I know the blows he bare away either with head or shoulders.
Camest thou not, knave, within this hour, creeping into my pens,
And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens?

HODGE. A plague both on thy hens and thee! a cart, whore, a cart!
Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and ich were as false as
thou art.
Give my gammer again her washical[302] thou stole away in thy lap.

GAMMER. Yea, Master Baily, there is a thing you know not on, mayhap:
This drab she keeps away my good (the devil he might her snare):
Ich pray you, that ich might have a right action on her.

CHAT. Have I thy good, old filth, or any such old sow's?
I am as true, I would thou knew, as [the] skin between thy brows.[303]

GAMMER. Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger.

CHAT. Thou shalt answer (by God's pity) for this thy foul slander.

BAILY. Why, what can you charge her withal? to say so ye do not well.

GAMMER. Marry, a vengeance to her heart, the whore has stol'n my
nee'le.

CHAT. Thy needle, old witch! how so? it were alms thy soul to knock;
So didst thou say the other day, that I had stol'n thy cock.
And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not be forgotten:
The devil pull out thy lying tongue, and teeth that be so rotten.

GAMMER. Give me my nee'le; as for my cock, chould be very loth,
That chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth.

BAILY. Your talk is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in
fault.

GAMMER. Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bread and salt.

BAILY. Keep ye content a while, see that your tongues ye hold;
Methinks you should remember, this is no place to scold.
How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat thy needle had?

GAMMER. To name you, sir, the party, chould not be very glad.

BAILY. Yea, but we must needs hear it, and therefore say it boldly.

GAMMER. Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly,
Even he that looked on, will swear on a book,
What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le up took:
Diccon (Master) the bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.

BAILY. A false knave, by God's pity! ye were but a fool to trow him.
I durst aventure well the price of my best cap,
That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape.[304]
Told he not you that besides she stole your cock that tide?

GAMMER. No, master, no indeed, for then he should have lied;
My cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well a-fine.

CHAT. Yea, but that rugged colt, that whore, that Tib of thine,
Said plainly thy cock was stol'n, and in my house was eaten;
That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and beaten.
And yet for all my good name it were a small amends;
I pick not this gear (hear'st thou) out of my fingers' ends.
But he that heard it told me, who thou of late didst name:
Diccon, whom all men knows, it was the very same.

BAILY. This is the case; you lost your nee'le about the doors;
And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours;
Thus in your talk and action, from that you do intend,
She is whole five mile wide from that she doth defend.
Will you say she hath your cock?

GAMMER. No, marry, sir, that chill not.

BAILY. Will you confess her nee'le?

CHAT. Will I? no, sir, will I not.

BAILY. Then there lieth all the matter.

GAMMER. Soft, master, by the way,
Ye know she could do little, and she could not say nay.

BAILY. Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock-stealing,
Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing.
I ween the end will prove this brawl did first arise
Upon no other ground but only Diccon's lies.

CHAT. Though some be lies, as you belike have espied them:
Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them.

BAILY. What other thing beside this, dame Chat?

CHAT. Marry, sir, even this,
The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was his;
He gave me, like a friend, warning against my loss,
Else had my hens be stol'n each one, by God's cross.
He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed;
But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed.
This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.

BAILY. If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort.

DOCTOR RAT. By God's mother, thou and he be a couple of subtle foxes;
Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes.
Did not Diccon appoint the place, where thou should'st stand to meet
him?

CHAT. Yes, by the mass; and, if he came, bad me not stick to spite him.

DOCTOR RAT. God's sacrament! the villain knave hath dress'd us round
about;
He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout,
When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made a rueful moan,
I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone.
And this to try, he further said, he was full loth: howbeit
He was content with small ado to bring me where to see it.
And where he sat, he said, full certain, if I would follow his reed,
Into your house a privy way he would me guide and lead,
And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout,
And set me in the back-hole, thereby to find you out:
And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees,
I found the weight of your door-bar for my reward and fees.
Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell,[305]
In setting at one such as were out, minding to make all well.

HODGE. Was not well blest, gammer, to 'scape that scour? And chad
been there,
Then chad been dress'd, belike, as ill (by the mass) as Gaffer Vicar.

BAILY. Marry, sir, here is a sport alone; I looked for such an end;
If Diccon had not play'd the knave, this had been soon amend.
My gammer here he made a fool, and dress'd her as she was;
And goodwife Chat he set to scold,[306] till both parts[307] cried,
alas!
And Doctor Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare;
I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge had not his share.

HODGE. Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a colt;
And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a dolt.

BAILY. Sir knave, make haste Diccon were here; fetch him, wherever
he be.

CHAT. Fie on the villain, fie, fie, that makes us thus agree!

GAMMER. Fie on him, knave, with all my heart, now fie, and fie again!

DOCTOR RAT. Now fie on him, may I best say, whom he hath almost slain.

BAILY. Lo, where he cometh at hand, belike he was not far.
Diccon, here be two or three thy company cannot spare.

DICCON. God bless you, and you may be bless'd, so many all at once!

CHAT. Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld thee, by Cock's bones.
Seest not thy handiwork? sir Rat, can ye forbear him?

DICCON. A vengeance on those hands light, for my hands came not near
him.
The whoreson priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewives'
chairs,
That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs.

BAILY. Nay, soft, thou may'st not play the knave, and have this
language too;
If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better may'st thou do.
Confess the truth as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable,
And for thy fault, I promise thee, thy handling shall be reasonable.
Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears?

DICCON. What, if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these
seven years:
I am sorry for nothing else, but that I see not the sport,
Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report.

BAILY. The greatest thing, Master Rat, ye see how he is dress'd.

DICCON. What devil, need he be groping so deep in goodwife Chat's
hens' nest?

BAILY. Yea, but it was thy drift to bring him into the briars.

DICCON. God's bread! hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears?
He showeth himself herein, ye see, so very a cox,[308]
The cat was not so madly allured by the fox,[309]
To run in the snares was set for him doubtless;
For he leapt in for mice, and this sir John for madness.

DOCTOR RAT. Well, and ye shift no better, ye losel lither[310]
and lazy,
I will go near for this to make ye leap at a daisy.[311]
In the king's name, Master Baily, I charge you set him fast.

DICCON. What! fast at cards or fast on sleep? it is the thing
I did last.

DOCTOR RAT. Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet, according to thy
deeds.

BAILY. Master Doctor, there is no remedy, I must entreat you needs
Some other kind of punishment.

DOCTOR RAT. Nay, by All-Hallows,
His punishment, if I may judge, shall be nought else but the gallows.

BAILY. That were too sore; a spiritual man to be so extreme!

DOCTOR RAT. Is he worthy any better, sir? how do you judge and deem?

BAILY. I grant him worthy punishment, but in no wise so great.

GAMMER. It is a shame, ich tell you plain, for such false knaves
entreat.
He has almost undone us all, that is as true as steel.
And yet for all this great ado, cham never the near my nee'le.

BAILY. Can'st thou not say anything to that, Diccon, with least or
most?

DICCON. Yea, marry, sir, thus much I can say well, the nee'le is lost.

BAILY. Nay, canst not thou tell which way that needle may be found?

DICCON. No, by my fay, sir, though I might have an hundred pound.

HODGE. Thou liar lickdish, didst not say the nee'le would be gotten?

DICCON. No, Hodge; by the same token you were that time beshitten,
For fear of hobgoblin--you wot well what I mean,
As long as it is since, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean.

BAILY. Well, Master Rat, you must both learn and teach us to forgive,
Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so clean shreve:
If ye to me consent to amend this heavy chance,
I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance:
Of this condition--where ye know my fee is twenty pence
For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense;
Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now to run,
To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun.

CHAT. Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confess to be your
debtor,
And all we that be here present will love you much the better.

DOCTOR RAT. My part is the worst; but since you all hereon agree,
Go even to, Master Baily, let it be so for me.

BAILY. How say'st thou, Diccon, art content this shall on me depend?

DICCON. Go to, Master Baily, say on your mind, I know ye are my friend.

BAILY. Then mark ye well; to recompense this thy former action,
Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction,
Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall thee teach,
For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather breech;
First for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse,
Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse:
And when ye meet at one pot, he shall have the first pull;
And thou shalt never offer him the cup, but it be full.
To goodwife Chat thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise,
If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice.
Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost take it:
When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never forsake it.
For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be,
To help her to her needle again, if it do lie in thee;
And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that,
To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat.
Last of all for Hodge, the oath to scan,
Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.

HODGE. Come on, fellow Diccon, chall be even with thee now.

BAILY. Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon, I trow?

DICCON. No, by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it;
Look, as I have promised, I will not denay it;
But, Hodge, take good heed now, thou do not beshit me.
[_And give him a good blow on the buttock._

HODGE. Gog's heart, thou false villain, dost thou bite me?

BAILY. What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee, ere ever he be begin?

HODGE. He thrust me into the buttock with a bodkin or a pin,
[_He discovers the needle._
I say, gammer, gammer!

GAMMER. How now, Hodge, how now!

HODGE. God's malt, gammer Gurton----

GAMMER. Thou art mad, ich trow.

HODGE. Will you see the devil, gammer?

GAMMER. The devil, son! God bless us.

HODGE. Chould, [if] ich were hanged, gammer.

GAMMER. Marry, see, ye might dress us.

HODGE. Chave it, by the mass, gammer.

GAMMER. What, not my nee'le, Hodge?

HODGE. Your nee'le, gammer, your nee'le.

GAMMER. No, fie, dost but dodge.

HODGE. Ch' a found your nee'le, gammer, here in my hand be it.

GAMMER. For all the loves on earth,[312] Hodge, let me see it.

HODGE. Soft, gammer.

GAMMER. Good Hodge.

HODGE. Soft, ich say, tarry a while.

GAMMER. Nay, sweet Hodge, say truth, and not me beguile.

HODGE. Cham sure on it; ich warrant you, it goes no more astray.

GAMMER. Hodge, when I speak so fair, wilt still say me nay?

HODGE. Go near the light, gammer, 'tis well in faith, good luck:
Ch' was almost undone, 'twas so far in my buttock.

GAMMER. 'Tis mine own dear nee'le, Hodge, sikerly[313] I wot.

HODGE. Cham I not a good son, gammer, cham I not?

GAMMER. Christ's blessing light on thee, hast made me for ever.

HODGE. Ich knew that ich must find it, else chould a' had it never.

CHAT. By my troth, gossip Gurton, I am even as glad,
As though I mine own self as good a turn had.

BAILY. And I by my conscience, to see it so come forth,
Rejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth.

DOCTOR RAT. I am no whit sorry to see you so rejoice.

Diccon. Nor I much the gladder for all this noise.
Yet say, gramercy, Diccon, for springing of the game.

GAMMER. Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O, how glad cham!
If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither,
Master Rat, goodwife Chat, and Diccon together;
Cha but one halfpenny, as far as ich know it,
And chill not rest this night, till ich bestow it.
If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink.

BAILY. I am content, if the rest think as I think.
Master Rat, it shall be best for you if we so do,
Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too.

DICCON. Soft, sirs, take us with you, the company shall be the more;
As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes before.
But now, my good masters, since we must be gone,
And leave you behind us here all alone:
Since at our last ending thus merry we be,
For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have a plaudite.

FINIS

FOOTNOTES:

[287] Orig. _you would_.

[288] Orig. _you_.

[289] [Orig. _of_.]

[290] Orig. _kockes_.

[291] Original, _you_.

[292] [Beaten. Here was a note of half a page to explain and
illustrate the meaning of the very common word _wot_!]

[293] Poultry. So in Fitzherbert's "Boke of Husbandry": "Gyve thy
_poleyn_--meate in the morning," &c. Again, in "Your five Gallants,"
by Middleton: "And to see how pitifully the _pullen_ will looke, it
makes me after relent, and turne my anger into a quick fire to roast
them."

[294] A base, contemptible fellow. So, in "Tom Tyler and his Wife,"
1661, p. 19--

"It is an old saying, praise at the parting,
I think I have made _the cullion_ to wring.
I was not beaten so black and blew,
But I am sure he has as many new."

In "Wily Beguiled:" "But to say the truth, she had little reason to
take a _cullion_ lug loaf, milksop slave, when she may have a lawyer,
a gentleman that stands upon his reputation in the country;" in
Massinger's "Guardian," act. ii., sc. 4--

"Love live Severino,
And perish all such _cullions_ as repine
At his new monarchy."

And Bobadil, in Ben Jonson's "Every Man to his Humour," act. iii., sc.
5, when beating Cob, exclaims:

"You base _cullion_, you."

[295] [Original, _Dylde_; the compositor having repeated the _d_ of
_God_ at the beginning of the following word. This is not an uncommon
misprint.]

[296] _Hals_, in the Glossary to Douglas's _Æneid_, is thus explained:
"The hawse, the throat, or neck. A-S. and Isl. _Hals_, collum, thence,
_to hals_ or _hawse_, to embrace, _collo dare brachia circum_."

[297] The word _shrew_ at present is wholly confined to the female
sex. It here appears to have been equally applied to the male, and
signifies _naught_ or _wicked_. See Baret's "Alvearie," _v. Shrewd_.

[298] [Crushed.]

[299] The head. So, in "Hickscorner"--

"I will rap you on the _costard_ with my horn."

--Mr Steevens's Note on _Love's Labour's Lost_, act iii., sc. 1.

Again, in Ben Jonson's "Tale of a Tub," act ii., sc. 2--

"Do you mutter! sir, snorle this way,
That I may hear and answer what you say,
With my school dagger 'bout your _costard_, sir."

[300] See Note on "King Henry VI.," Part I. Shakspeare, 1778, vol.
vi., p. 192.--_S._

[301] Bliss.

[302] A corruption of _what do you call it_.--_S._

[303] A proverbial phrase, used also by Dogberry in "Much ado about
Nothing." Shakspeare, 1778, vol. ii., p. 326.--_S._

[304] _Jape_ is generally used in an obscene sense, as in the Prologue
to "Grim the Collier of Croydon," and in Skelton's Song in Sir John
Hawkins's "History of Music," vol. iii., p. 6. It here signifies a
_jest_ or _joke_. So in the Prologue to Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales,"
l. 705--

"Upon a day he gat him more moneie
Than that the persone gat in monthes tweie.
And thus with fained flattering and _japes_,
He made the persone and the peple his apes."

And in "Batman upon Bartholome," 1535, as quoted by Sir John Hawkins,
in his "History of Music," vol. ii., p. 125: "They kepe no counseyll,
but they telle all that they here: sodeinly they laugh, and sodenly
they wepe: alwaye they crye, jangle, and _jape_, uneth they ben stylle
whyle they slepe."

"Nay, _iape_ not with hym, he is no smal fole.
It is a solemnpne syre and solayne."

--Skelton's Works, [1843, vol. i., p. 17.]

[305] _i.e._, To meddle.--_S._

[306] Old copy, _Scole_.

[307] [Parties.]

[308] Minsheu, in his Dictionary, 1627 (as quoted by Mr Tollet, in his
"Notes on Shakspeare," vol. v. p. 433, says: "Natural ideots and fools
have and still do accustome themselves to weare in their cappes cockes
feathers, or a hat with a necke and head of a cock on the top," &c.
From this circumstance Diccon probably calls Dr Rat _a cox_; that is,
_a coxcomb_, _an idiot_.)

[309] See the "History of Reynard the Fox," chap, vii., edit.
1701.--_S._

[310] [Wicked.] _Lither_ is used sometimes for _weak_ or _limber_, at
other times _lean_ or _pale_. Several examples of the former are
collected by Mr Steevens ("Notes on Shakspeare," vol. vi., p. 263).

Again, in "Euphues and his England," 1582, p. 24: "For as they that
angle for the tortoys, having once caught him, are driven into such a
_lythernesse_, that they loose all their spirites, being benummed so,"
&c. Of the latter, the following will serve as a proof (Erasmus's
"Praise of Folie," Chaloner's translation, 1549, sig. F 2): "Or at
lest hyre some younge Phaon for mede to dooe the thyng, still daube
theyr _lither_ chekes with peintyng," &c.

[311] [An apparent reference to the story told in one of the early
jest-books of a fellow who was led to execution, and who, when on the
gallows, instead of a neck-verse, cried out, "Have at you daisy that
grows yonder!" and leapt off the ladder. See "Pasquil's Jests," 1604,
repr. Hazlitt, p. 48.]

[312] For the love of God, of heaven, or anything sacred, are
adjurations frequently used at this day, and appear likewise to have
been so at the time this play was written. From the indiscriminate use
of them, it became customary on very earnest occasions to request _of
all loves_, or _for all the loves on earth_. Of these modes of
expression, Mr Steevens hath produced the following examples:
"Conjuring his wife _of all loves_ to prepare cheer fitting."--"Honest
Whore," part 1.

"Desire him _of all loves_ to come over quickly."

--Plautus's _Menæchmi_, 1595.

"I pray thee _for all loves_ be thou my mynde sens I am thyne."

--_Acolastus_, 1540.

"Mrs Arden desired him _of all loves_ to come back
againe."--Holinshed's _Chronicle_, p. 1064.--"Notes on Shakspeare,"
vol. i., p. 279.

Again--

"Speak _of all loves_."

--_Midsummer Night's Dream_, act. ii., sc. 3.

[313] Securely or certainly. So in Chaucer's "Troilus and Cressida,"
Book iii., l. 833--

"The drede of lesing makith him, that he
May in no parfite _sikernesse_ ybe."

THE TRIAL OF TREASURE

_EDITION._

_A New and Mery Enterlude called the Triall of Treasure, newly set foorth, and neuer before this tyme imprinted._

THE NAMES OF THE PLAYERS.

First, STURDINESS, CONTENTATION, VISITATION, TIME.

The Second, LUST, SAPIENCE, CONSOLATION.

The Third, the PREFACE, JUST, PLEASURE, GREEDY-GUT.

The Fourth, ELATION; TRUST, a Woman; and TREASURE, a Woman.

The Fifth, INCLINATION, the Vice.

* * * * *

Imprinted at Londǒ in Paules Churcheyarde, at the signe of the Lucrece, by Thomas Purfoote. 1567. 4º. Black letter.

MR HALLIWELL'S PREFACE.[314]

The interlude, presented to the modern reader for the first time in the following pages, was printed from a copy formerly in the possession of Steevens, the eminent Shakspearian critic, before it was noticed that a copy in the British Museum contained several variations and superior readings.[315] These were the more important, settling in some places the distribution of the speeches with greater accuracy than they were arranged in the exemplar we used. Perhaps, indeed, this may in some measure have arisen from the one last mentioned having been what booksellers technically term "cropped," but we have noticed all variations of importance in the notes, and some of them seem incompatible with any supposition, except that there were two different impressions in the same year,[316] or that the Museum copy had been corrected while the work was in the press.

Mr Collier conjectures that the "Trial of Treasure" was written some years before it was printed, but subsequently to the composition of "Lusty Juventus," which is, he says, "mentioned in it." But it appears to me that the allusion to "Lusty Juventus" [p. 263], is merely a generic proverbial title, and has no reference whatever to the old play so called. Mr Collier ("Hist. Dram. Poet." ii., 330), has given a brief analysis of the interlude now reprinted.

_December_ 21, 1849.

FOOTNOTES:

[314] [To the former edition. Printed for the Percy Society, 1849.]

[315] These have all been adopted in the present reprint. The
_variations_ exhibited in the Percy Society's text should be rather
called mistakes of the transcriber, and two whole lines were omitted.

[316] The Museum copy has a woodcut on the back of the title-page,
which is wanting in the other copy, a circumstance which appears to
confirm this opinion.

THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.

_Do all things to edify the Congregation._

Diogenes, which used a barrel for his house,
Being fled from his father to the city of Athens,
Comforted himself much in beholding the mouse,
Which desired neither castle nor hold for her defence;
Concerning sustentation she made no difference,
But ate whatsoever to her did befall,
And, touching her apparel, she had least care of all;
This poor mouse's property noted Diogenes,
Which oftentimes also he would have in sight,
And though he were disciple unto Antisthenes,
Yet he learned of the mouse as much as he might;
In the science of 'sophy he had great delight,
But concerning his state and outward condition,
The most can declare, if you make inquisition.
On a time he chanced accompanied to be
With Alexander, which stood between him and the sun:
What requirest thou to have, Diogenes (quod he)?
Is there any thing that by me may be done?
I pray thee stand aside, and make a little room
(Quod Diogenes), that the sun upon me may shine,
Nought else require I of that that is thine.
He used to say, that as servants be obedient
To their bodily masters, being in subjection,
Even so evil men, that are not content,
Are subjects and slaves to their lusts and affection;
This lesson unto us may be a direction
Which way our inclination to bridle and subdue,
Namely, if we labour the same to eschew.
Thus see you how little this philosopher esteemed
The abundant possessions of this mundane treasure,
Which yet, notwithstanding, at these days is deemed
To be the original and fountain of pleasure;
This causeth lust to reign without measure,
To the which men are subjects, Diogenes doth say,
Yet both lust and treasure in time weareth away.
A philosopher is he that wisdom doth love,
Which before Pythagoras wise men were named.
Now, Diogenes being wise, this doth approve
That some men of this age ought as fools to be blamed.
For where the one with treasure-lack his life framed,
The other travail, care, and labour with greediness
The same by all means to enjoy and possess.
As lust with the lusts converteth to dust,
And leaveth of force his pleasant prosperity,
So treasure in time is turned to rust,
As St James, in his epistle, showeth the verity;
Hereof we purpose to speak without temerity,
Therefore our matter is named the _Trial of Treasure_,
Which time doth expel with all mundane pleasure.
Both merry and short we purpose to be,
And therefore require your pardon and patience;
We trust in our matter nothing you shall see,
That to the godly may give any offence;
Though the style be barbarous, not fined with eloquence,
Yet our author desireth your gentle acceptation,
And we the players likewise with all humiliation.

* * * * *

_Enter_ LUST, _like a gallant, singing this song_.

_Heigho, care away, let the world pass,
For I am as lusty as ever I was;
In flowers I flourish as blossoms in May,
Heigho, care away; heigho, care away!_

LUST. What the devil ailed me to sing thus?
I cry you mercy, by my faith, for ent'ring:
Most like I have ridden on the flying Pegasus,
Or in Cock Lorel's barge I have been a vent'ring.
Sing? why, I would sing, if it were to do again,
With Orpheus and Amphion I went to school:
What! lads must be lively attending on the train
Of Lady Delectation, which is no small fool.
Hey rouse, fill all the pots in the house;
Tush, man, in good fellowship let us be merry.
Look up like a man, or it is not worth a louse;
Heigho, troly; hey, dery, dery,
Ha, pleasant Youth and lusty Juventus,
In faith, it is good to be merry this May:
For of man's living here there is no point endentus,[317]
Therefore a little mirth is worth much sorrow, some say.

_Enter_ JUST.

But remember ye not the wise man's sentence?
It is better in the house of mourning to be
Than in the house of laughter, where folly hath residence,
For lightness with wisdom cannot agree;
Though many have pleasure in foolish phantasy,
Ensuing[318] their inclination and lust,
Yet much better is the life of one that is just.

LUST. Sir, in this you seem against me to inveigh.

JUST. Nothing but reason, I think, I do say.

LUST. Marry, you shall have a nightcap for making the reason.
Friend, have you not a piece of stock-fish to sell?
I would you had a dish of buttered peason.
By my faith, your communication likes me well,
But, I beseech you, tell me, is not your name Just?

JUST. Yes, forsooth.

LUST. And my name, thou shalt understand, is Lust,
And according thereto I am lusty indeed;
But, I think, thou hast drunk of Morpheus seed.
Thou goest like a dromedary, dreamy and drowsy;
I hold twenty pound the knave is lousy!

JUST. Mine apparel is not like unto thine,
Disguised and jagged, of sundry fashion;
Howbeit, it is not gold always that doth shine,
But corrupting copper of small valuation;
Too horrible besides is thy operation,
Nothing more odious unto the just,
Than the beastly desires of inordinate lust.

LUST. It is a shameful thing, as Cicero doth say,
That a man his own acts should praise and commend;
Hypocrites accustom the like, day by day,
Checking other men, when they do offend.

JUST. Yea, but it is an hard thing, saith the philosopher,
For a foolish man to have his manners reprehended;
And even at this day it is come so far,
God grant, for his mercy, it may be amended!
For tell a man friendly now of his fault,
Being blasphemy, pride, or vile fornication,
He will be as presumptuous as Haman the halt,
And repay with revenge or else defamation:
Thus few men a friendly monition will bear,
But stoutly persist and maintain their ill;
And in noblemen's houses truly I do fear,
There are too many have such forward will.

LUST. Wounds and hearts,[319] who can abide this?
Nay, ye vile villain, I will dress you therefore;
Your lazy bones I pretend[320] so to bless,
That you shall have small lust to prate any more.

JUST. Behold the image of incipient fools!
There['re] not a few even now of thy property;
Until you be put into poverty's schools
Ye will not forsake this foolish insolency.

LUST. Nay, soft, with thee I have not made an end.
[_Draw out his sword._

JUST. The just against lust must always contend,
Therefore I propose to wrestle with thee [_put it up_],
Who shall have the victory, straightway we shall see.

LUST. When thou wilt; by his flesh, I shall hold the wag.
[_Wrestle, and let_ LUST _seem to have the better
at the first_.

JUST. I know that Lust useth not little to brag.

LUST. Thou shalt find me as mighty as Samson the strong.

JUST. Yea, the battle of lust endureth long.

LUST. Wounds and flesh! I was almost down on my back;
But yet I will wrestle, till my bones crack.
[_Stay, and then speak._

JUST. The end of thy presumption now doth appear.

LUST. Yet do what thou canst, I will not lie here;
No, by his wounds, you old doting knave!
[_Cast him, and let him arise again._

Thinkest thou that Lust will be made a slave?
I shall meet you in Smithfield, or else other-where,
By his flesh and blood, I will thee not forbear!

JUST. Not of my power I do thee expel,
But by the might of his spirit that dwelleth in me:
Inordinate lust with the just may not dwell,
And therefore may not I accompany thee.

LUST. Well, goodman Just, it is no matter,
But, in faith, I pretend not with thee to flatter;
Though from thy company depart I must,
I shall live as much in wealthiness, I trust.
[_Go out. He must drive him out._

JUST. Where most wealth is, and most delectation,
There Lust is commonly of most estimation;
For whereas wealth wanteth, idleness doth slake,
For where idleness is, Lust parteth the stake. [_Pause._
Thus have you seen the conflict of the just,
Which all good men ought to use and frequent;
For horrible are the fruits of inordinate lust,
Which in some case resembleth Hydra the serpent,
Whose head being cut off, another riseth incontinent:
So, one of Lust's cogitations being cut away,
There riseth up another, yea, many, we may say.
It is requisite therefore that every degree
Against this his lust both strive and contend;
And though, at the first, he seem sturdy to be,
The Lord will convince[321] him for you in the end.
Your cause unto him therefore wholly commend,
Labouring to avoid all inordinate lust,
And to practice in life to live after the Just.
[_Go out. Enter Inclination, the Vice._

INC. I can remember since Noe's ship
Was made, and builded on Salisbury Plain;
The same year the weathercock of Paul's caught the pip.
So that Bow-bell was like much woe to sustain.
I can remember, I am so old,
Since Paradise gates were watched by night;
And when that Vulcanus was made a cuckold,
Among the great gods I appeared in sight.
Nay, for all you smiling, I tell you true.
No, no, ye will not know me now;
The mighty on the earth I do subdue.
Tush, if you will give me leave, I'll tell ye how;
Now, in good faith, I care not greatly,
Although I declare my daily increase;
But then these gentlewomen will be angry,
Therefore I think best to hold my peace:
Nay, I beseech you, let the matter stay,
For I would not for twenty pounds come in their hands;
For if there should chance to be but one Dalila,
By the mass, they would bind me in Samson's bands!
But what, mean I first with them to begin,
Seeing that in all men I do remain?
Because that first I remained Eve within,
And after her Adam, and so forth to Cain.
I perceive by your looks my name ye would know;
Why, you are not ignorant of that, I dare say;
It is I that do guide the bent of your bow,
And ruleth your actions also day by day;
Forsooth, I am called Natural Inclination,
Which bred in old Adam's fostred bones;
So that I am proper to his generation,
I will not away with casting of stones!
I make the stoutest to bow and bend:
Again, when I lust, I make men stand upright;
From the lowest to the highest I do ascend,
Drawing them to things of natural might.

_Enter_ LUST _and_ STURDINESS, _singing this song_.

_Where is the knave that so did rave?
O, that we could him find,
We would him make for fear to quake,
That lout of lobbish kind.
My name is Lust, and let him trust
That I will have redress;
For thou and I will make him fly,
Mine old friend Sturdiness._

LUST. Where is now that valiant Hercules?
For all his brags, he is now run away.

STURD. (_braggingly._) By the guts of Goliah, it is best for his ease,
For he was like for the pottage to pay.

INC. Cock's soul! what bragging knaves have we here?
Come ye to convince the mightiest conqueror?
It was I, that before you now doth appear,
Which brought to confusion both Hector and Alexander:
Look on this leg, ye prating slaves,
I remember since it was no greater than a tree;
At that time I had a couple of knaves,
Much like unto you, that waited on me.

LUST. Cock's precious soul, let us conquer the knave.

STURD. By his flesh and sides, a good courage I have;
Stand you, therefore, a little aside,
And ye shall see me quickly abate the fool's pride.
[_Draw out the sword; make him put it up; and
then strike him. Look in your spectacles._

INC. Nay, I dare not, I, if thou lookest so big;
What, should such a boar fight with a pig!
Put up thy sword, man, we will agree;
So, lo! do so much as bear that for me.

STURD. Nay, by his heart then, I will you dress.

INC. Be good in thine office, gentle friend Sturdiness;
For though thou and I do seem to contend,
Yet we are, and must be, friends till the end.

STURD. Come, give me thy hand, I beshrew thy heart.

INC. Nay, you must take all things in good part;
Who standeth yonder? Captain Lust?

STURD. Yea, marry.

INC. No remedy then, to him go I must.
You have forgot, I dare say, your old friend Inclination;
But let us renew acquaintance again, for Cock's passion!

LUST. Why, man, our acquaintance hath been of old;
I am yours at commandment, therefore be bold;
For Lust can do nothing without Inclination,
Chiefly in matters concerning a pleasant vocation.

INC. Indeed Lust may be taken for a thing indifferent,
Except Inclination be joined thereunto;
But when that I once have revealed my intent,
As I will men to work, so commonly they do.

LUST. Ye have heard of the combat between me and Just?

INC. Yea, marry, I heard say that you lay in the dust.

LUST. What say ye?

INC. Neither one word nor other, ye may me trust.

LUST. Of mine honesty, my company he utterly refused,
And in wrestling with me he gave me the foil,
Saying that I had myself and other abused,
Leading men in perplexity and marvellous toil.

STURD. By Gog's wounds, if we had found him here,
We should, by his flesh, have abated his cheer.

INC. I perceive, Sturdiness, thou art no fool;
Tell me of fellowship, where wentest thou to school?

STURD. What, to read or write?

INC. Nay, to swear and fight:
For I think thou canst neither write, read, nor spell;
But in swearing and fighting thou dost excel.

STURD. Thou knowest that I am joined with Lust,
And sturdy by nature I am in like case.
What, let the world wag: all cannot be just,
Some must natural inclination embrace.

LUST. All men just? no, I remember the sentence of Tully,
That no man is just that feared death, poverty, or pain,
Which I do fear all, and that marvellously;
For fortune is variable, I do perceive plain,
And notwithstanding that Felix possessed great gain,
Yet when Paul preached of the judgment-day,
He trembled for fear, and bad him go away.

INC. Doth such passions often trouble your mind?

LUST. Nay, not often, but sometime I do them find;
But then, to the intent to drive them away,
I either go to sleep, or else to some play.

STURD. By Gog's precious heart, even so do I;
But sometime they cumber me pestilently.

INC. Well, Master Lust, such dumps to eschew,
My advice and request you must needs ensue:
That is, to become disciple to doctor Epicurus,
And then you shall have mirth by measure and overplus;
Tush, I know a couple companions in store
That were marvellous meet for you evermore;
I wish you were known, you, unto them.

LUST. Well, then, call them in.

INC. Here they come, each of them in a knave's skin.

_Enter_ ELATION _and_ GREEDY-GUT. _They sing._

_With lust to live is our delight,
In high estate and dignity;
Seeing that the Just put us to flight,
Let them alone in misery._

STURD. Nay, they be lusty lads, I tell ye.

ELA. What, Inclination! me-thought I did smell thee:
Give me thy hand, ere we further go.

INC. Now, welcome in faith, and Greedy-gut also;
But, sirs, are none of you both acquainted with Lust?

LUST. Yes, that they have been both of them, I trust;
Welcome, sirs, in faith, welcome unto me.

ELA. By my troth, I am glad your mastership to see
In health and prosperity, as presently you be.

GRE. Bom fay, zo am I wod all my heart.

INC. This cow-bellied knave doth come from the cart;
Ise teach you to speak, I hold you a pound!
Curchy, lob, curchy down to the ground.

GRE. Che can make curchy well enou'.

INC. Lower, old knave, or I'll make ye to bow
The great-bellied lout methink cannot bend
Yes, so, lo, he beginneth to amend.

LUST. Well, sirs, now I remember Æsop's advice,
Which he gave to the Samies[322] against king Croesus;[323]
Therefore it is good to be witty and wise,
And being in liberty to keep me still thus,
I cannot abide a life that is dolorous,
And seeing that my name is properly Lust,
I hate the conversation of the just.

INC. Well, Master Lust, first join you to me, Inclination.
Next here with Sturdiness you must you acquaint;
Turn you about, and embrace Elation;
And that wealth may increase without any restraint,
Join you with Greedy-gut here in our presence,
That all these in you may have prosperous influence.
[_Bow to the ground._

LUST. Out, alas! what a sudden passion is this!
I am so taken, that I cannot stand;
The cramp, the cramp, hath touched me, i-wis;
I shall die without remedy now out of hand.

GRE. By my matins cheese, our master is sick.

INC. Stand back, Nicol-noddy, with the pudding-prick,
More brains in thy skin than wit in thy brain,
Such Greedy-gut in faith would be flain!
This cramp doth signify nothing in effect;
None of all your counsels he will now reject,
And therefore fear not to make full declaration.
But how he is bowed by me Inclination.

STURD. Then fear not the force of these that be just,
But labour yourself to advance and augment;
Be jocund and lively, sith your name is Lust,
And then you shall easily obtain your intent.

ELA. Esteem yourself always equal with the best,
And seek for promotion, power, and dignity;
It is good when men may live as they lust,
And unto the just bear hate and malignity.

GRE. O zur, ye must be greedy to catch and to claw.

INC. Well said, Greedy-gut, as wise as a daw!

GRE. Eat up, at a mouthful, houses and lands.

INC. There 's a vengeable mouth to--
[_Gape, and the Vice gape._

GRE. Never fear God, nor the governor's law,
But gripe, gripe, gripe greedily all that cometh in your hands.
By the mass, but Hugh Howlet is pestilent witty,
What guttish greediness the whoreson can teach!
That thou art not erected, in faith, it is pity,
As high as three trees and a halter will reach.

LUST. Marry, sirs, but your counsels hath set me on fire!
Hey, lusty lad, how fresh am I now!
Lead me, Inclination, to have my desire,
And then at thy request I will ever bend and bow.

INC. He that bendeth to follow his own inclination,
Must needs live a wicked and vile conversation,
But so, Master Lust, I will lead you to a place,
Where you shall have pleasure enough in short space.

LUST. Yea, but shall not this company go thither?

INC. Yes, marry, we four will all go together;
But Sturdiness shall tarry to face out the matter,
If Just peradventure against you shall clatter.

STURD. By the mass, and well said, but first let us sing.

INC. I must tune my pipes first of all by drinking.

ELA. Tush, what then? I pray thee help us a part.

INC. Yes, I will sing the treble with all my heart.

_They sing._

_Lust shall be led by Inclination
To Carnal Cogitation;
Where Lust is wholly led by me,
He must fall to cupidity;
For carnal cares shall him assail,
And speedily they shall prevail;
I, Sturdiness, wilt face it out
In his cause, sturdy, stiff and stout.
Then Greedy-gut shall make him eat
Both house and lands like bread and meat;
Elation shall puff him high
For to aspire above the sky;
Then natural and lordly Lust
Shall with his power despise the Just._

ELA. Our song is ended, hast thou other in store?

INC. I shall not have done this half hour and more.
Yet I will, now I remember. Come in, Lust;
That I go before, is but needful and just.
You shall be now led by me Inclination
To reason and talk with Carnal Cogitation.

STURD. Is there more vanity underneath the sun,
Than to be inclined after this sort?
Well, Lust doth now as other have done,
Yea, and do day by day, esteeming it a sport;
This Lust is the image of all wicked men,
Which in seeking the world have all delectation;
They regard not God, nor his commandments ten,
But are wholly led by their own inclination.
First, to inculcate with Carnal Cogitation,
And after to the desire of all worldly treasure,
Which alone they esteem the fulness of pleasure.
With Elation or Pride he is also associate,
Which puffeth up his senses with presumption pestilent;
Then Greedy-gut maketh them continually to grate
On the mock of this world, which he thinketh permanent.
I, Sturdiness, to hear out all things am bent:
Thus see you how men, that are led by their lust,
Dissent from the virtuous, goodly and just.
[_Go out. Enter_ JUST _and_ SAPIENCE.