Chapter XIII: Act IV: ENTER Diabolus AND Parasite

_Diab._

Agedum istum ostende quem conscripsti syngraphum
inter me et amicam et lenam. leges pellege
nam tu poeta es prorsus ad eam rem unicus.

Come on, show me that contract you drew up between me and my
mistress and the Madame. Read over the terms. Ah, you’re the
one and only artist at this business.

_Par._

Horrescet faxo lena, leges cum audiet.

(_producing a document_) I warrant you Madame will shudder
when she hears the terms.

_Diab._

Age quaeso mi hercle translege.

Come come, man, for the Lord’s sake let’s have ’em!

_Par._

Audin?

Are you listening?

_Diab._

Audio. 750

Yes.

_Par._

“Diabolus Glauci filius Clearetae
lenae dedit dono argenti viginti minas,
Philaenium ut secum esset noctes et dies
hunc annum totum.”

(_reading_) “Diabolus, son of Glaucus, has given to
Cleareta, Madame, a present of eighty pounds to the end that
Philaenium throughout the coming year may spend her nights
and days with him.”

_Diab._

Neque cum quiquam alio quidem.

Yes, and not with anyone else, either.

_Par._

Addone?

Shall I add that?

_Diab._

Adde, et scribas vide plane et probe.

Add that, and see you put it down in a good firm hand.

_Par._

“Alienum hominem intro mittat neminem.
quod illa aut amicum aut patronum nominet,
aut quod illa amicae[26] amatorem praedicet,
fores occlusae omnibus sint nisi tibi.
in foribus scribat occupatam esse se. 760

(_after doing so_) “She is to admit no male outsider into
her house. In case she call him a mere friend or guardian,
or in case she allege him to be the lover of a friend of
hers, her doors must be closed to all but you. She must post
a notice on the doors stating that she is engaged.

aut quod illa dicat peregre allatam epistulam,
ne epistula quidem ulla sit in aedibus
nec cerata adeo tabula; et si qua inutilis
pictura sit, eam vendat: ni in quadriduo
abalienarit, quo abs te argentum acceperit,
tuos arbitratus sit, comburas, si velis,
ne illi sit cera, ubi facere possit litteras.

Or in case she say that a letter from foreign parts
has been delivered to her, there must be no letter at all
in the house, nor so much as a waxen tablet; and if there be
any undesirable picture about, let her sell it: unless she
shall have removed it within four days after receipt of your
money, it shall be at your disposal: you may burn it up, if
you deem fit, that she may have no wax whereon to write.

vocet convivam neminem illa, tu voces;
ad eorum ne quem oculos adiciat suos.
si quem alium aspexit, caeca continue siet. 770
tecum una potet, aeque pocla potitet:
abs ted accipiat, tibi propinet, tu bibas,
ne illa minus aut plus quam tu sapiat.”

She must invite no guest to the house: you shall invite
them; and she must have eyes for none of them. If her glance
has fallen on another man, she must become blind forthwith.
She must drink with you only, and drink with you glass for
glass: let her receive the glass from your hands, drink to
your health, and then do you take it and drink, so that she
may have no--(_unobtrusively dropping the aspirate_) whit
more than you, nor less.”

_Diab._

Satis placet.

(_not noticing_) Quite satisfactory.

_Par._

“Suspiciones omnes ab se segreget.
neque illaec ulli pede pedem homini premat,
cum surgat, neque cum in lectum inscendat proximum,
neque cum descendat inde, det cuiquam manum:
spectandum ne cui anulum det neque roget.
talos ne cuiquam homini admoveat nisi tibi.
cum iaciat, ‘te’ ne dicat: nomen nominet. 780

“She must keep herself above every suspicion. She must not
touch feet with any man when she arises from table: and when
she steps upon the adjoining couch, or steps down therefrom,
she must take no one’s hand. She must give no one her ring
to look at, nor ask to look at his. To no man save yourself
must she pass the dice. On making a throw she must not say,
‘Thee[E] I invoke!’ She is to name your name.

[Footnote E: Naming one’s sweetheart, on making a throw,
was a common custom.]

deam invocet sibi quam libebit propitiam,
deum nullum; si magis religiosa fuerit,
tibi dicat: tu pro illa ores ut sit propitius.
neque illa ulli homini nutet, nictet, annuat.
post, si lucerna exstincta sit, ne quid sui
membri commoveat quicquam in tenebris.”

Let her call upon any goddess she pleases for favour, but
upon no god; if she have religious scruples in regard to
this, let her tell you, and do you make the prayer for his
favour in her stead. To no man shall she nod, wink, or
signify compliance. Further, if the lamp go out, she is
not to move a single limb in the darkness.”

_Diab._

Optumest.
ita scilicet facturam. verum in cubiculo--
deme istuc--equidem illam moveri gestio.
nolo illam habere causam et votitam dicere.

Excellent! To be sure she mustn’t, (_pause_) But in our own
room--cut that clause out--why, I’m keen as can be for her
to be lively there! I don’t want her to have an excuse and
say the contract forbids.

_Par._

Scio, captiones metuis.

I see, you fear some catch.

_Diab._

Verum.

Exactly.

_Par._

Ergo ut iubes 790
tollam.

Well then, I shall strike that out, as you order.

_Diab._

Quid ni?

Of course you will.

_Par._

Audi relicua.

Listen to the rest.

_Diab._

Loquere, audio.

Go on: I am listening.

_Par._

“Neque ullum verbum faciat perplexabile,
neque ulla lingua sciat loqui nisi Attica,
forte si tussire occepsit, ne sic tussiat,
ut cuiquam linguam in tussiendo proserat.
quod illa autem simulet, quasi gravedo profluat,
hoc ne sic faciat: tu labellum abstergeas
potius quam cuiquam savium faciat palam.

“She must use no phrase of double meaning, and must know how
to speak no language but the Attic. If she should happen to
cough, she is not to cough so, (_illustrating_) in such a
way as to extend her tongue toward anyone. Moreover, in case
she pretends to have a running cold, she must not do this:
(_purses his lips_) you are to wipe her little lip yourself
rather than let her pucker up her mouth for anyone so
obviously.

nec mater lena ad vinum accedat interim,
nec ulli verbo male dicat. si dixerit, 800
haec multa ei esto, vino viginti dies
ut careat.”

“Nor shall the Madame, her mother, drop in while you are
having your wine, or say a single abusive word to anyone.
If such a word be said by her, the penalty shall be this--
no wine for her for twenty days.”

_Diab._

Pulchre scripsti. scitum syngraphum.

Splendid document! Capital contract!

_Par._

“Tum si coronas, serta, unguenta iusserit
ancillam ferre Veneri aut Cupidini,
tuos servos servet, Venerine eas det an viro.
si forte pure velle habere dixerit, 800
tot noctes reddat spurcas quot pure habuerit.”
haec sunt non nugae, non enim mortualia.

“Then if she bid her maid carry chaplets, wreaths, perfumes
to Venus or to Cupid, your servant shall observe whether she
gives them to Venus, or to a man. Should she happen to
express a wish for religious seclusion, she must give you
as many hours of love as she has of loneliness.” These be
no trifles; these be no dirges for dead folk, I tell you.
The terms are highly satisfactory. Follow me in.

_Diab._

Placent profecto leges, sequere intro.

Very well.

_Par._

Sequor.

[EXEUNT INTO _Cleareta’s_ HOUSE: SOUND OF WRANGLING WITHIN:
RE-ENTER _Diabolus_ AND _Parasite_ FROM HOUSE.

IV. 2.

Scene 2.

_Diab._

Sequere hac, egone haec patiar aut taceam? emori 810
me malim, quam haec non eius uxori indicem.
ain tu? apud amicam munus adulescentuli
fungare, uxori excuses te et dicas senem?
praeripias scortum amanti atque argentum obicias
lenae? suppiles clam domi uxorem tuam?

(_incensed_) Come along! I put up with this? I hold my
tongue? I’d rather perish from the earth than not let it out
to his wife! (_shouting to Demaenetus within_) You
will, will you? You will play the gay young spark with a
mistress and excuse yourself to your wife on the plea of old
age, eh? You will snatch a girl from her lover and toss your
money to the Madame, eh? You will filch things from your
lady at home on the sly, eh?

suspendam potius me, quam tu haec tacita auferas.
iam quidem hercle ad illam hinc ibo, quam tu propediem,
nisi quidem illa ante occupassit te, effliges scio,
luxuriae sumptus suppeditare ut possies.

I’d sooner hang myself than let you carry it off so and
nothing said. By the Lord, I’ll go to her this very minute,
I will, the woman you’re bound to bring to pauperism
shortly,--if she doesn’t forestall you, that is,--just
so that you may be kept in funds for your orgies!

_Par._

Ego sic faciundum censeo: me honestiust, 820
quam te palam hanc rem facere, ne illa existimet
amoris causa percitum id fecisse te
magis quam sua causa.

(_calmly, judiciously_) In my opinion, this is the way
we should handle the case: it would look better for me to
appear in the matter than you; she might think you were hard
hit and did it more out of jealousy than out of regard for
her.

_Diab._

At pol qui dixti rectius.
tu ergo fac ut illi turbas lites concias;
cum suo sibi gnato unam ad amicam de die
potare, illam expilare narra.

Right you are, gad yes, that is better! Then raise hell for
him yourself; stir up a row; notify her that he’s having a
daylight carouse with his own son, one girl between ’em
there at her house, and she herself being rooked for it!

_Par._

Ne mone,
ego istud curabo.

No advice needed! I shall take care of that.

_Diab._

At ego te opperiar domi.[27] (827)

Well, I’ll wait for you at home. [EXIT.

ACTVS V