Chapter XIV: Act V

THE DOOR OF _Cleareta’s_ HOUSE IS OPEN, SHOWING
_Argyrippus_, _Demaenetus,_ AND _Philaenium_ BANQUETING,
_Philaenium_ BEING ON A COUCH BESIDE _Demaenetus_ AND
TRYING NOT TO SEEM BORED BY HIS GALLANTRIES.

_Dem._

Numquidnam tibi molestumst, gnate mi,
si haec nunc mecum accubat? 830

You don’t mind it, do you, my boy,--her being on the couch
here with me? (_merrily chucks Philaenium under the chin_)

_Argyr._

Pietas, pater, oculis dolorem prohibet. quamquam ego istanc amo,
possum equidem inducere animum, ne aegre patiar quia tecum accubat.

(_dolefully_) My duty as a son takes the sting out of the
sight, father. Even though I do love her, of course I can
persuade myself not to be disturbed at her being with you.

_Dem._

Decet verecundum esse adulescentem, Argyrippe.

A young fellow should be modest, Argyrippus.

_Argyr._

Edepol, pater,
merito tuo facere possum.

Ah yes, father, I can behave as you deserve.

_Dem._

Age ergo, hoc agitemus convivium
vino et[28] sermoni suavi. nolo ego metui, amari mavolo,
mi gnate, me abs te.

(_jovially_) Come on then, let’s have a lively banquet--wine
and sweet converse, my dears! None of your filial awe for
me: your love is what I want, my lad.

_Argyr._

Pol ego utrumque facio, ut aequom est filium.

(_still more dolefully_) Ah yes, father, I give you both,
as a son should.

_Dem._

Credam istuc, si esse te hilarum videro.

I’ll believe that, once I see you looking jolly.

_Argyr._

An tu me tristem putas?

(_with a deep sigh_) You don’t think I’m ... melancholy ...
do you?

_Dem._

Putem ego, quem videam aeque esse maestum ut quasi dies si dicta sit?

Think so? When you look as sepulchral as if you were
docketed for trial!

_Argyr._

Ne dixis istuc.

Don’t say that.

_Dem._

Ne sic fueris: ilico ego non dixero. 839,840

Don’t be that, and I’ll stop saying it soon enough.

_Argyr._

Em aspecta: rideo.

(_making a dismal effort to look happy_) Here now! See! I’m
smiling.

_Dem._

Utinam male qui mihi volunt sic rideant.

(_dryly_) I wish my enemies were blessed with a smile like
that.

_Argyr._

Scio equidem quam ob rem me, pater, tu tristem
credas nunc tibi:
quia istaec est tecum. atque ego quidem hercle ut verum
tibi dicam. pater,
ea res me male habet; at non eo, quia tibi non cupiam quae velis;
verum istam amo. aliam tecum esse equidem facile possum perpeti.

Of course I know why you think my bearing toward you now
is melancholy, father,--because she’s with you. And good
heavens, father, to tell you the truth, I--it does make me
miserable; not because I’m not eager to have your wishes
gratified; but I love that girl. If it was some other one,
I shouldn’t mind at all, really I shouldn’t.

_Dem._

At ego hanc volo.

I want this one, though.

_Argyr._

Ergo sunt quae exoptas: mihi quae ego exoptem volo.

Well then, you’ve got your desire: I wish I could have the
same luck!

_Dem._

Unum hunc diem perpetere, quoniam tibi potestatem dedi,
cum hac annum ut esses, atque amanti argenti feci copiam.

Oh, you’ll take it calmly this one day, now that I’ve given
you the chance to be with her for a year, and furnished
forth my young gallant with funds.

_Argyr._

Em istoc me facto tibi devinxti.

Just the point! You have me bound hard and fast by that.

_Dem._

Quin te ergo hilarum das mihi? 849,850

Come then, surrender and be jolly, won’t you?

V. 2.

Scene 2.

ENTER _Artemona_ AND _Parasite_ FROM HOUSE OF _Demaenetus_.

_Art._

Ain tu meum virum his potare, obsecro, cum filio
et ad amicam detulisse argenti viginti minas
meoque filio sciente id facere flagitium patrem?

(_tempestuously_) What’s that, for heaven’s sake,--my
husband carousing here with his son, and brought eighty
pounds to a mistress, and my son conniving at such an
outrage on the part of his father, his father?

_Par._

Neque divini neque mi humani posthac quicquam accreduas,
Artemona, si huius rei me esse mendacem inveneris.

Never trust me in another thing divine or human, madam, if
you find I have misinformed you in this.

_Art._

At scelesta ego praeter alios meum virum[29] frugi rata,
siccum, frugi, continentem, amantem uxoris maxume.

But oh dear me! I thought my husband was the very paragon
of men, a sober man, a worthy, moral man that loved his wife
devotedly.

_Par._

At nunc dehinc scito illum ante omnes minimi mortalem preti,
madidum, nihili, incontinentem atque osorem uxoris suae.

But from now on you must realize that he is the very scum of
the earth, a toping man, a worthless, immoral man that hates
the wife of his bosom.

_Art._

Pol ni istaec vera essent, numquam faceret ea quae nunc facit. 860

Mercy yes! unless all that was true, he would never be
acting as he does now.

_Par._

Ego quoque hercle illum antehac hominem semper sum frugi ratus,
verum hoc facto sese ostendit, qui quidem cum filio
potet una atque una amicam ductet, decrepitus senex.

I always thought he was a worthy man myself before to-day,
upon my soul I did: but now he shows himself in his true
colours--carousing with his own son and sharing his mistress
with him, the old ruin!

_Art._

Hoc ecastor est quod ille it ad cenam cottidie.
ait sese ire ad Archidemum, Chaeream, Chaerestratum,
Cliniam, Chremem, Cratinum, Diniam, Demosthenem:
is apud scortum corruptelae est liberis, lustris studet.

Good gracious! This explains his going out to dinner every
day! He with his tales of going to dine with Archidemus,
Chaerea, Chaerestratus, Clinia, Chremes, Cratinus, Dinias,
Demosthenes--and all the time corrupting his children at a
harlot’s, haunting houses of ill fame!

_Par._

Quin tu illum iubes ancillas rapere sublimen domum?

Why not tell your maids to pick him up and take him off home?

_Art._

Tace modo. ne ego illum ecastor miserum habebo.

You just keep still. Oh, but I’ll make life miserable for
him, I swear I will!

_Par._

Ego istuc scio,
ita fore illi dum quidem cum illo nupta eris.

I have no doubt about that, just as long as he is your
husband.

_Art._

Ego censeo. 870
eum[30] etiam hominem in senatu dare operam aut clientibus,
ibi labore delassatum noctem totam stertere:
ille opere foris faciendo lassus noctu ad me advenit;
fundum alienum arat, incultum familiarem deserit.
is etiam corruptus porro suom corrumpit filium.

(_too irate to notice unflattering accent_) Yes, indeed! He
busy in the Senate or helping his clients! He wearied out
by his labours there, there, that he spends the whole night
snoring! It is business away from home that makes him turn
up at night all weary--the business of ploughing other
people’s fields and leaving his own uncultivated. Corrupt
himself, he actually goes on and corrupts his own son.

_Par._

Sequere hac me modo, iam faxo ipsum hominem manifesto opprimas.

Just follow me this way: I’ll soon make you drop on our
gentleman in the very act.

_Art._

Nihil ecastor est quod facere mavelim.

Ah-h-h! There’s nothing I’d like better!

_Par._

Mane dum.

Hm! wait! (_goes quietly to Cleareta’s door, peeps in and
comes back_)

_Art._

Quid est?

What’s the matter?

_Par._

Possis, si forte accubantem tuom virum conspexeris
cum corona amplexum amicam, si videas, cognoscere?

If you happened to spy your husband stretched out on a
banquet couch with a garland on and a girl in his arms--if
you saw him, could you recognize him?

_Art._

Possum ecastor.

Indeed I can!

_Par._

Em tibi hominem.

(_taking her cautiously to the door_) Behold your man!

_Art._

Perii.

(_peeping_) Dreadful, dreadful!

_Par._

Paulisper mane. 880
aucupemus ex insidiis clanculum quam rem gerant.

(_drawing her aside_) Wait a bit! Let’s lie in ambush and
spy what’s going on without being seen.

_Argyr._

Quid modi, pater, amplexando facies?

(_resentfully_) Father! When is that hug going to end?

_Dem._

Fateor, gnate mi--

(_somewhat embarrassed_) I admit, my dear boy,--

_Argyr._

Quid fatere?

Admit what?

_Dem._

Me ex amore huius corruptum oppido.

That this lady is altogether too much for my sense of
decorum.

_Par._

Audin quid ait?

(_to Artemona_) Do you hear what he says?

_Art._

Audio.

I hear!

_Dem._

Egon ut non domo uxori meae
subripiam in deliciis pallam quam habet, atque ad te deferam?
non edepol conduci possum vita uxoris annua.

(_to Philaenium_) Not steal my wife’s pet mantle from home
and bring it to you? By heaven, I couldn’t be hired not to--
not if she should die within the year.

_Par._

Censen tu illum hodie primum ire adsuetum esse in ganeum?

(_to Artemona_) Do you think to-day is the first time that
gentleman has used such resorts?

_Art._

Ille ecastor suppilabat me, quod ancillas meas
suspicabar atque insontis miseras cruciabam.

Mercy on us! So he was the thief all those times I suspected
my maids, yes, and tortured the poor innocent things.

_Argyr._

Pater,
iube dari vinum; iam dudum factum est cum primum bibi. 890

Tell them to set the wine going, father; it seems an age
since I had my first drink.

_Dem._

Da, puere, ab summo. age, tu interibi ab infimo da savium.

(_to servant_) Boy, send round the wine from the head of the
table. (_to Philaenium_) Come, my dear, meanwhile you send
round a naughty, naughty kiss from the foot. (_Philaenium
obeys_)

_Art._

Perii misera, ut osculatur carnufex, capuli decus.

Oh-h-h! Good heavens! The way he kisses, the villain, fit
only to grace a coffin!

_Dem._

Edepol animam suaviorem aliquanto quam uxoris meae.

My word! Rather sweeter breath than my wife’s!

_Phil._

Dic amabo, an fetet anima uxoris tuae?

Do tell me, there’s a dear--your wife’s breath isn’t bad,
is it?

_Dem._

Nauteam
bibere malim, si necessum sit, quam illam oscularier.

I’d rather drink bilge water, if it came to that, than kiss
her.

_Art._

Ain tandem? edepol ne tu istuc cum malo magno tuo
dixisti in me. sine, revenias modo domum, faxo ut scias
quid pericli sit dotatae uxori vitium dicere.

(_aside_) So? You would, would you? Good gracious, sir, that
fling at me will cost you dear. Very well! just you come
back home, sir! I’ll show you the danger of vilifying a wife
with money.

_Phil._

Miser ecastor es.

Goodness me, you poor thing!

_Art._

Ecastor dignus est.

(_aside_) Goodness me, he deserves to be!

_Argyr._

Quid ais, pater?
ecquid matrem amas?

Look here, father. Do you love my mother?

_Dem._

Egone illam? nunc amo, quia non adest. 900

Love her? I? I love her now for not being near.

_Argyr._

Quid cum adest?

And when she is near?

_Dem._

Periisse cupio.

I yearn for a death in the family.

_Par._

Amat homo hic te, ut praedicat.

(_to Artemona_) This gentleman is fond of you, it seems.

_Art._

Ne illa ecastor faenerato funditat: nam si domum
redierit hodie. osculando ego ulciscar potissimum.

(_aside_) Oh-h-h! won’t he pay interest on that flow of
words! Just let him come back home to-day, and that will be
my favourite method of revenge--kissing him.

_Argyr._

Iace, pater, talos, ut porro nos iaciamus.

(_pushing some dice toward Demaenetus_) Your throw, father:
come, so that I can take my turn.

_Dem._

Maxime.
te, Philaenium, mihi atque uxoris mortem, hoc Venerium est.
pueri, plaudite et mi ob iactum cantharo mulsum date.

By all means. (_as he throws_) Here’s to you for me,
Philaenium, and my wife for the tomb! (_looking at throw_)
Ha! The Venus![F] (_to servants_) A cheer, lads, and some
mead from the tankard for that throw!

[Footnote F: The highest throw.]

_Art._

Non queo durare.

(_aside to Parasite_) This is intolerable!

_Par._

Si non didicisti fulloniam,
non mirandum est.[31] in oculos invadi optumum est.

(_aside to Artemona_) No wonder, if you never learned the
fuller’s[G] trade. Your best plan is to make a dash for his
eyes.

[Footnote G: Fullers being accustomed to unpleasant
smells.]

_Art._

Ego pol vivam et tu istaec hodie cum tuo magno
malo invocavisti.

(_bursting into house_) My heavens, sir, I will live,
and you shall pay dear for that petition of yours just now!
(_tableau_)

_Par._

Ecquis currit pollictorem accersere? 910

(_gleefully_) Run, some one, and fetch the undertaker!

_Argyr._

Mater, salve.

(_innocently_) How do you do, mother?

_Art._

Sat salutis.

Enough of your how d’ye do-ing!

_Par._

Mortuost Demaenetus.
tempus est subducere hinc me; pulchre hoc gliscit proelium.
ibo ad Diabolum, mandata dicam facta ut voluerit,
atque interea ut decumbamus suadebo, hi dum litigant.

(_aside_) Demaenetus is dead. Time for me to retire from the
scene; the battle waxes finely. I’ll off to Diabolus and
tell him his mandates are executed to the letter, yes, and
suggest our taking dinner meantime, while they fight it out.

poste demum huc cras adducam ad lenam, ut viginti minas
ei det, in partem hac amanti ut liceat ei potirier.
Argyrippus exorari spero poterit, ut sinat
sese alternas cum illo noctes hac frui. nam ni impetro,
regem perdidi: ex amore tantum est homini incendium.

Then to-morrow when it’s over I’ll bring him back to the
Madame so that he may give her the eighty pounds and get her
permission for his fond self to go shares in the girl here.
I do hope Argyrippus can be induced to let him have her half
the time. For if I don’t get so much out of him, I have lost
a patron--all one blaze of love, as the fellow is.
[EXIT _Parasite._

_Art._

Quid tibi hunc receptio ad te est meum virum?

(_to Philaenium_) What do you mean by receiving this man at
your house--my husband?

_Phil._

Pol me quidem 920
miseram odio enicavit.

Dear, dear! Why, I’m fairly bored to death by him, for my
part.

_Art._

Surge, amator, i domum.

(_standing over Demaenetus_) Get up, my gallant; home with
you!

_Dem._

Nullus sum.

(_half aside, afraid to move_) I’m a dead man!

_Art._

Immo es, ne nega, omnium unus pol nequissimus.
at etiam cubat cuculus. surge amator, i domum.

Good gracious, no! You’re the vilest man living, and you
needn’t deny it. But he’s roosting there still, the cuckoo!
Get up, my gallant; home with you!

_Dem._

Vae mihi.

(_half aside_) Oh, I’m in for it!

_Art._

Vera hariolare. surge, amator, i domum.

You are a true prophet. Get up, my gallant; home with you!

_Dem._

Abscede ergo paululum istuc.

Well then, do stand a bit farther off.

_Art._

Surge, amator, i domum.

Get up, my gallant; home with you!

_Dem._

Iam obsecro, uxor.

For heaven’s sake now, my dear!

_Art._

Nunc uxorem me esse meministi tuam?
modo, cum dicta in me ingerebas, odium, non uxor eram.

Now you recollect that I am your dear, do you? A moment
ago, when you were saying things about me, I was your
abomination, not your dear.

_Dem._

Totus perii.

(_half aside_) It’s all up with me, absolutely!

_Art._

Quid tandem? anima fetetne uxoris tuae?

You really meant it, did you? Your dear’s breath smells,
does it?

_Dem._

Murram olet.

(_hastily_) Smells of myrrh, myrrh!

_Art._

Iam subrupuisti pallam, quam scorto dares?

(_ironically_) Have you stolen the mantle yet to give
this creature?

_Phil._

Ecastor qui subrupturum pallam promisit tibi. 930

He promised he would steal it from you, indeed he did!

_Dem._

Non taces?

(_aside to Philaenium_) Shut up, won’t you?

_Argyr._

Ego dissuadebam, mater.

I tried to dissuade him, mother.

_Art._

Bellum filium.
istoscine patrem aequom est mores liberis largirier?
nilne te pudet?

A pretty son! (_to Demaenetus_) Is this the way for a father
to edify his children? Is there nothing you’re ashamed of?
(_helps him off the couch by the ear_)

_Dem._

Pol, si aliud nil sit, tui me, uxor, pudet.

Oh Lord! You make me ashamed, my dear, if nothing else would.

_Art._

Cano capite te cuculum uxor ex lustris rapit.

(_guiding him toward the door_) It’s your dear that is
dragging you from this den of vice, your hoary-headed cuckoo!

_Dem._

Non licet manere--cena coquitur--dum cenem modo?

Mayn’t I stay--dinner’s being cooked--just till I’ve dined?

_Art._

Ecastor cenabis hodie, ut dignus es, magnum malum.

Good heavens, sir! You shall dine as you deserve today--on
dire distress.

_Dem._

Male cubandum est: iudicatum me uxor abducit domum.

(_aside_) It’s a poorish night I’m in for: here I am
sentenced, and my wife leading me off--home. (_Argyrippus
and Philaenium follow them to door_)

_Argyr._

Dicebam, pater, tibi, ne matri consuleres male.

I kept telling you, father, not to play any tricks on mother.

_Phil._

De palla memento, amabo.

Remember about the mantle, there’s a dear!

_Dem._

Iuben hanc hinc abscedere?

(_to wife_) Tell her to get out of here, won’t you?

_Art._

I domum.

(_jerking him along_) Home with you!

_Phil._

Da savium etiam prius quam abis.

Do give me another naughty, naughty kiss before we part.

_Dem._

I in crucem. 940

Go to hell!

_Phil._

Immo intro potius. sequere hac me, mi anime.

Oh no, inside, instead, (_to Argyrippus, as she goes back
inside_) Come along with me, darling.

_Argyr._

Ego vero sequor.

Indeed I will. [EXEUNT OMNES.

GREX