Chapter VI: Act III: (A couple of hours have elapsed)

ENTER _Jupiter_.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Ego sum ille Amphitruo, cui est servos Sosia.
idem Mercurius qui fit, quando commodumst,
in superiore qui habito cenaculo,
qui interdum fio Iuppiter, quando lubet;
huc autem quom extemplo adventum adporto, ilico
Amphitruo fio et vestitum immuto meum.

(_in jocular, self-satisfied tone_) I am that Amphitryon
who has a servant Sosia, which same turns into Mercury on
occasion, I being the Amphitryon who lodge in the upper
attic (_pointing heavenward_) and become Jupiter at times,
when the humour seizes me. As soon as I wend my way into
these parts, however, on the spot I am Amphitryon and change
my clothes.

nunc huc honoris vostri venio gratia,
ne hanc incohatam transigam comoediam;
simul Alcumenae, quam vir insontem probri
Amphitruo accusat, veni ut auxilium feram: 870
nam mea sit culpa, quod egomet contraxerim,
si id Alcumenae innocenti expetat.

I now appear out of regard for you, so as not to terminate
this inchoate comedy. At the same time I am here to help out
Alcmena, poor innocent, denounced as disloyal by her lord,
Amphitryon. For it would be sinful of me, if the storm I
have brewed should descend on the head of guileless Alcmena.

nunc Amphitruonem memet, ut occepi semel,
esse adsimulabo, atque in horum familiam
frustrationem hodie iniciam maxumam;
post igitur demum faciam res fiat palam
atque Alcumenae in tempore auxilium feram
faciamque ut uno fetu et quod gravida est viro
et me quod gravidast pariat sine doloribus.
Mercurium iussi me continue consequi, 880
si quid vellem imperare. nunc hanc adloquar.

I will pretend for the present to be Amphitryon myself, as
I have already, and thoroughly confound this family to-day,
Then, after that, I will eventually clear matters up, yes,
and aid Alcmena in due season, contriving that she give
birth at one time to both the children she carries, her
husband’s and my own, without a pang. Mercury has his orders
to attend me closely, in case I have commands to give. Now
for a word with the lady.

III. 2.

Scene 2.

ENTER _Alcmena_ FROM HOUSE.

_Alc._

Durare nequeo in aedibus. ita me probri,
stupri, dedecoris a viro argutam meo!
ea quae sunt facta infecta ut reddat clamitat.
quae neque sunt facta neque ego in me admisi arguit;
atque id me susque deque esse habituram putat.

I can’t stand staying in the house! To be branded so with
shame, disloyalty, disgrace, by my own husband! How he
clamours to make facts no facts! And what never happened,
things I never, never did, he accuses me of, and thinks I’ll
consider it quite immaterial.

non edepol faciam, neque me perpetiar probri
falso insimulatam, quin ego illum aut deseram
aut satis faciat mi ille atque adiuret insuper,
nolle esse dicta quae in me insontem protulit. 890

Good gracious, but I won’t! I won’t endure such an awful,
unjustified accusation: I will leave him, or he must
apologize, one or the other, yes, and swear he is sorry,
too, for the things he has said to an innocent woman.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Faciundum est mi illud, fieri quod illaec postulat,
si me illam amantem ad sese studeam recipere,
quando ego quod feci, id factum Amphitruoni offuit
atque illi dudum meus amor negotium
insonti exhibuit, nunc autem insonti mihi
illius ira in hanc et male dicta expetent.

(_aside, dryly_) Hm! It’s incumbent upon me to meet her
demands, if I wish the loving creature to take me into her
good graces again. Since my doings offended Amphitryon, and
this love affair of mine lately occasioned his guiltless
self some consternation, it is turn about now, and my
guiltless self has to suffer for the scorn and contumely he
heaped on her.

_Alc._

Sed eccum video qui me miseram arguit
stupri, dedecoris.

(_aside, seeing him_) Ah, there he is--the man that charges
his wretched wife with disloyalty and shame!

_Iup._
_Jup._

Te volo, uxor, conloqui.
quo te avortisti?[22]

I wish to speak with you, my dear. (_circling her as she
turns her back on him_) Turned away? Where to?

_Alc._

Ita ingenium meumst:
inimicos semper osa sum optuerier. 900

It is natural I should, sir: I always loathed looking at
enemies.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Heia autem inimicos?

Oh, I say now! Enemies?

_Alc._

Sic est, vera praedico;
nisi etiam hoc falso dici insimulaturus es.

Yes, enemies: and that’s the truth of it--unless you intend
to term this a lie, too.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Nimis iracunda es.

(_trying to fondle her_) You’re too irritable.

_Alc._

Potin ut abstineas manum?
nam certo, si sis sanus aut sapias satis,
quam tu impudicam esse arbitrere et praedices,
cum ea tu sermonem nec ioco nec serio
tibi habeas, nisi sis stultior stultissimo.

(_pulling away_) Can’t you keep your hands off? Why surely,
sir, if you were sane or had a particle of sense about
you, when you think your wife is immodest and tell her so
yourself, you wouldn’t hold any conversation with her at all
in jest or earnest, unless you were the silliest of silly
men.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Si dixi, nihilo magis es, neque ego esse arbitror,
et id huc revorti uti me purgarem tibi.
nam numquam quicquam meo animo fuit aegrius, 910
quam postquam audivi ted esse iratam mihi.
cur dixisti? inquies. ego expediam tibi.

My saying so doesn’t make you so any the more, And I don’t
think you so, either; and I’ve come back to set myself
right with you. For I never did feel sicker at heart about
anything than after I heard you were provoked with me. “Why
did you say it?” you’ll ask. I’ll clear up that point for
you.

non edepol quo te esse impudicam crederem;
verum periclitatus sum animum tuom,
quid faceres et quo pacto id ferre induceres.
equidem ioco illa dixeram dudum tibi,
ridiculi causa. vel hunc rogato Sosiam.

Bless your heart, it wasn’t because I believed you were
immodest. I was just testing your feelings to see what you’d
do and how you’d take it. (_forcing a laugh_) Really it was
all a joke, what I said just now, merely a bit of fun. Why,
you can ask Sosia here. (_pointing to house_)

_Alc._

Quin huc adducis meum cognatum Naucratem,
testem quem dudum te adducturum dixeras,
te huc non venisse?

(_coldly_) Why do you not bring my relative Naucrates, as
you just now said you would, to prove you had not been here?

_Iup._
_Jup._

Si quid dictum est per iocum, 920
non aequom est id te serio praevortier.

If something is said in joke, it’s not fair to take it in
earnest.

_Alc._

Ego illud scio quam doluerit cordi meo.

I know one thing--that joke of yours cut me to the heart,
sir.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Per dexteram tuam te, Alcumena, oro obsecro.
da mihi hanc veniam, ignosce, irata ne sies.

(_seizing her hand_) I beg and beseech you, Alcmena, by this
right hand of yours, do forgive me for it; pardon me: don’t
be angry!

_Alc._

Ego istaec feci verba virtute irrita;
nunc, quando factis me impudicis abstini,
ab impudicis dictis avorti volo.
valeas, tibi habeas res tuas, reddas meas.
iuben mi ire comites

Your charges are refuted by my honest life; now, sir, having
been guiltless of gross behaviour, I will not be subjected
to gross language. Good bye. Keep your own things and
return me mine. Will you older my attendants to follow me?
(_turns to go_)

_Iup._
_Jup._

Sanan es?

Are you in your senses?

_Alc._

Si non iubes,
ibo egomet; comitem mihi Pudicitiam duxero.[23] 930

If you decline to do so, I will go with my woman’s honour as
my only escort. (_walks away_)

_Iup._
_Jup._

Mane. arbitratu tuo ius iurandum dabo,
me meam pudicam esse uxorem arbitrarier.
id ego si fallo, tum te, summe Iuppiter,
quaeso, Amphitruoni ut semper iratus sies.

(_holding her_) Wait, wait! I’ll swear to it--at your
dictation--that I believe my wife is virtuous. If I deceive
you in this, then, Jove almighty, I invoke thy curse upon
Amphitryon for evermore.

_Alc._

A, propitius sit potius.

(_hurriedly_) Oh no! His blessing, his blessing!

_Iup._
_Jup._

Confido fore;
nam ius iurandum verum te advorsum dedi.
iam nunc irata non es?

I trust to have it, for it is a reliable oath I have given you.
(_drawing her close_) Now you’re not angry, are you?

_Alc._

Non sum.

(_submitting_) No.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Bene facis.
nam in hominum aetate multa eveniunt huius modi:
capiunt voluptates, capiunt rursum miserias;
irae interveniunt, redeunt rursum in gratiam. 940
verum irae si quae forte eveniunt huius modi
inter eos, rursum si reventum in gratiam est,
bis tanto amici sunt inter se quam prius.

(_caressing her_) That’s a good girl. Why, life is full of
incidents of this sort. Human beings lay hold on pleasures
and then again on pains. Quarrels come between them, and
then they are reconciled again. But if any such quarrel as
this does happen to arise between them, then when it blows
over they are twice as fond of one another as they were
before.

_Alc._

Primum cavisse oportuit ne diceres,
verum eadem si isdem purgas mi, patiunda sunt.

You should have been careful not to say such a thing in the
first place; but if you apologize so nicely for hurting me
so, I can’t complain.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Iube vero vasa pura adornari mihi,
ut quae apud legionem vota vovi. si domum
rediissem salvos, ea ego exsolvam omnia.

Well, well, then, have the sacrificial vessel prepared for
me so that I can pay all the vows I vowed for a safe return
home when I was in the field.

_Alc._

Ego istuc curabo.

I will attend to that.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Evocate huc Sosiam;
gubernatorem, qui in mea navi fuit 950
Blepharonem arcessat, qui nobiscum prandeat
is adeo[24] inpransus ludificabitur,
cum ego Amphitruonem collo hinc obstricto traham.

(_to maids in doorway_) Call Sosia out. I want him to
invite Blepharo, the pilot aboard my ship, to lunch with
us. (EXEUNT _maids_) (_aside_) As a matter of fact, friend
Blepharo will be left unlunched and looking foolish when I
turn Amphitryon out neck and crop.

_Alc._

Mirum quid solus secum secreto ille agat.
atque aperiuntur aedis. exit Sosia.

(_aside_) I wonder what he’s talking about all to himself!
Ah, there goes the door! Sosia’s coming out.

III. 3.

Scene 3.

ENTER _Sosia_.

_Sos._

Amphitruo, assum. si quid opus est, impera, imperium exequar.

Present, sir. If anything’s needed, order away and I’ll
fulfil orders.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Sosia, optume advenis.

Sosia, you are the very man I want.

_Sos._

Iam pax est inter vos duos?
nam quia vos tranquillos video, gaudeo et volup est mihi.
atque ita servom par videtur frugi sese instituere
proinde eri ut sint, ipse item sit; voltum e voltu comparet 960
tristis sit, si eri sint tristes; hilarus sit, si gaudeant
sed age responde: iam vos rediistis in concordiam?

Is there peace between you two now, sir? I tell you what,
it’s a pleasure, it’s a joy, to see you looking peaceful.
Yes, and to my way of thinking, an honest servant ought to
stick to this principle: be like what his betters are, model
his expression on theirs, be in the dumps if they are in the
dumps, and jolly if they are happy. But come, sir, answer
me. Have you made friends again now, eh?

_Iup._
_Jup._

Derides, qui scis haec dudum me dixisse per iocum.

(_reprovingly_) Mocker! What I said a while ago was all in
fun, and you know it.

_Sos._

An id ioco dixisti? equidem serio ac vero ratus.

In fun, was it? Upon my soul, I thought it was the solemn
truth.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Habui expurigationem; facta pax est.

I have explained: peace is made.

_Sos._

Optume est.

That’s grand, sir.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Ego rem divinam intus faciam, vota quae sunt.

I will make those offerings I vowed, inside.

_Sos._

Censeo.

Very good, sir.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Tu gubernatorem a navi huc evoca verbis meis
Blepharonem, qui re divina facta mecum prandeat.

As for you, convey my invitation to Pilot Blepharo to come
over from the ship and lunch with me after the sacrifice is
done.

_Sos._

Iam hic ero, cum illic censebis esse me.

I’ll be here by the time you think I’m there, sir.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Actutum huc redi.

Yes, hurry back home. [EXIT _Sosia_.

_Alc._

Numquid vis, quin abeam iam intro, ut apparentur quibus opust? 970

Is there anything else, or shall I go in now and see to the
things you’ll need?

_Iup._
_Jup._

I sane, et quantum potest parata fac sint omnia.

Do, by all means, and get everything ready as quickly as you
can.

_Alc._

Quin venis quando vis intro? faxo haud quicquam sit morae.

Come in as soon as you wish. I’ll make sure there’s nothing
to delay you.

_Iup._
_Jup._

Recte loquere et proinde diligentem ut uxorem decet.

(_tenderly_) That’s the way for an attentive wife to talk.
[EXIT _Alcmena._

iam hisce ambo, et servos et era, frustra sunt duo,
qui me Amphitruonem rentur esse: errant probe.
nunc tu divine huc fac adsis Sosia--
audis quae dico, tam etsi praesens non ades--
fac Amphitruonem advenientem ab aedibus
ut abigas; quovis pacto fac commentus sis.

There we are! Both of ’em fooled, servant and mistress, took
in thinking me Amphitryon. A sad mistake! Hark ye, Sosia the
divine, appear! You hear what I say, even though absent in
the flesh. Drive Amphitryon away from the house when he
arrives--any device you please.

volo deludi illunc, dum cum hac usuraria 980
uxore nunc mihi morigero. haec curata sint
fac sis, proinde adeo ut velle med intellegis,
atque ut ministres mihi, mihi cum sacruficem.

He must be hoodwinked while I proceed to divert myself with
my wife on loan. Kindly see that this is managed precisely
as you know I wish it to be, and do me service while I am
sacrificing to myself. [EXIT _Jupiter_.

III. 4.

Scene 4.

ENTER _Mercury_ HURRIEDLY WITH BURLESQUE IMPORTANCE.

_Mer._

Concedite atque abscedite omnes, de via decedite,
nec quisquam tam audax fuat homo, qui obviam obsistat mihi.
nam mihi quidem hercle qui minus liceat deo minitarier
populo, ni decedat mihi, quam servolo in comoediis?
ille navem salvam nuntiat aut irati adventum senis:
ego sum Iovi dicto audiens, eius iussu nunc huc me adfero.
quam ob rem mihi magis par est via decedere et concedere. 990

(_to imaginary passers-by_) Get away, get out, get off
the street, every one! Let no man be so bold as to block my
path. (_to audience_) For damme, just tell me why a god
like me hasn’t as much right to hector people that hinder
him as your paltry slave in the comedies? He brings word
the ship is safe, or the choleric old man approaching:
(_magnificently_) as for me, I hearken to the word of Jove
and at his bidding do I now hie me hither. Wherefore ’tis
still more seemly to get out, to get off the street for me.

pater vocat me, eum sequor, eius dicto imperio sum audiens;
ut filium bonum patri esse oportet, itidem ego sum patri.
amanti sub parasitor, hortor, adsto, admoneo, gaudeo.
si quid patri volup est, voluptas ea mihi multo maxumast.

My father calls me; I come, obedient to his best and will.
(_confidingly_) I am a good son to my father, as a son
should be. I back him up in his gallantries, encourage him,
stand by him, advise him, rejoice with him. If anything
gratifies my father, it gratifies me infinitely more.

amat: sapit; recte facit, animo quando obsequitur suo,
quod omnis homines facere oportet, dum id modo fiat bono.
nunc Amphitruonem volt deludi meus pater: faxo probe
iam his deludetur, spectatores, vobis inspectantibus.

He’s in love: he’s wise; he does well to indulge his
inclinations. It is what every one ought to do, that is
within due bounds. At present my father wishes Amphitryon
to be fooled: fooled he shall be finely, I promise you, here
and now, spectators, and under your inspection.

capiam coronam mi ni caput, adsimulabo me esse ebrium;
atque illuc sursum escendero: inde optume aspellam virum 1000
de supero, cum huc accesserit; faciam ut sit madidus sobrius.
deinde illi actutum sufferet suos servos poenas Sosia:
eum fecisse ille hodie arguet quae ego fecero hic. quid mea?
meo me aequomst morigerum patri, eius studio servire addecet.

I’m going to put a garland on my head and make believe I’m
drunk, yes, and I’ll climb out on the roof yonder (_pointing
to Amphitryon’s house_) and repel our returning hero in
glorious style from up above there. I’ll see that he’s both
soaked and sober. Then that servant Sosia of his shall
promptly smart for it, Sosia being accused of doing what
I do here. But what of that? I must humour my own father:
it is only dutiful to meet his desires.

sed eccum Amphitruonem, advenit; iam ille hic deludetur probe,
siquidem vos voltis auscultando operam dare.
ibo intro, ornatum capiam qui potis decet;
dein susum ascendam in tectum, ut illum hinc prohibeam.

(_looking down street_) But there’s Amphitryon coming! Here
and now he’ll be finely fooled--if you’ll only take the
trouble to attend. I’ll go inside and make up as a person
flown with wine; then I’ll up on the roof to keep him off.
[EXIT INTO HOUSE.

ACTVS IV