Chapter XXV: Act V

ENTER _Nicobulus_ IN A RAGE, WITHOUT SEEING _Philoxenus_.

_Nic._

Quicumque ubi ubi sunt, qui fuerunt quique futuri sunt posthac
stulti, stolidi, fatui, fungi, bardi, blenni, buccones,
solus ego omnis longe antideo
stultitia et moribus indoctis.
perii, pudet: hocine me aetatis
ludos bis factum esse indigne? 1090

Of all the silly, stupid, fatuous, fungus-grown, doddering,
drivelling dolts anywhere, past or future, I alone am far
and away ahead of the whole lot of ’em in silliness and
absurd behaviour! Damnation! I’m ashamed! The idea of my
being made a fool of twice at my time of life in this
outrageous fashion!

magis quam id reputo, tam magis uror
quae meus filius turbavit.
perditus sum atque eradicatus
sum, omnibus exemplis excrucior.
omnia me mala consectantur,
omnibus exitiis interii.

The more I think it over, the hotter I get at my son’s
devilry! I’m ruined, eradicated, tortured every way!
Every kind of trouble is upon me: I’ve died every kind
of death!

Chrysalus med hodie laceravit,
Chrysalus me miserum spoliavit:
is me scelus auro usque attondit
dolis doctis indoctum, ut lubitumst.

I’ve been mangled to-day by Chrysalus, stripped, poor
wretch, by Chrysalus! He has sheared me clean of my gold,
the villain, sheared me to suit his taste by his wily arts,
artless innocent that I am!

ita miles memorat meretricem esse
eam quam ille uxorem esse aiebat,
omniaque ut quidque actum est memoravit,
eam sibi hunc annum conductam,
relicuom id auri factum quod ego ei
stultissimus homo promisissem: hoc,
hoc est quo cor peracescit:

The Captain tells me that the woman that rascal said was his
wife is a courtesan, and he’s given me the full history of
the case--how he’d hired her for this year, how the money
I’d promised him, like an utter idiot, was the sum due him
for the months yet to run. This, this, is what galls me;

hoc est demum quod percrucior,
me hoc aetatis ludificari,[30] (1099)
cano capite atque alba barba
miserum me auro esse emunctum. 1101
perii, hoc servom meum non nauci facere esse ausum! atque ego,
si alibi
plus perdiderim. minus aegre habeam minusque id mihi damno ducam.

this is the crowning torment--for me to be gulled at my time
of life, for me, poor fool, with my hoary hairs and white
beard to be cleaned out of my gold! Oh, damnation! My own
servant dares to hold me cheaper than dirt in this fashion!
Yes, yes, if I lost more money some other way, I should mind
it less and regard the loss as less.

_Phil._

Certo hic prope me mihi nescio quis loqui visust; sed quem video?
hic quidemst pater Mnesilochi.

It surely seemed as if some one was speaking here near me.
(_sees Nicobulus_) But who’s this I see? Mnesilochus’s
father, upon my word! (_approaches_)

_Nic._

Euge, socium aerumnae et mei mali video.
Philoxene, salve.

(_grimly_) Splendid! I see my partner in toil and woe. Good
day to you, Philoxenus.

_Phil._

Et tu. unde agis?

And to you. Where are you coming from?

_Nic._

Unde homo miser atque infortunatus.

Where a wretched, unlucky man should come from.

_Phil._

At pol ego ibi sum,
esse ubi miserum hominem decet atque infortunatum.

Gad! but I’m on the very spot where a wretched, unlucky man
should be.

_Nic._

Igitur pari fortuna, aetate ut sumus, utimur.

Then we’re alike in luck as we are in years.

_Phil._

Sic est. sed tu,
quid tibist?

So it seems. But you--what is your trouble?

_Nic._

Pol mihi par, idem est quod tibi.

Good Lord! The same as yours.

_Phil._

Numquid nam ad filium haec aegritudo attinet? 1110

This dolefulness of yours has something to do with your son,
eh?

_Nic._

Admodum.

(_morosely_) Rather!

_Phil._

Idem mihi morbus in pectorest.

The same ailment is worrying me.

_Nic._

At mihi Chrysalus optumus homo
perdidit filium, me atque rem omnem meam.

Well, but Chrysalus--that pattern of excellence--has ruined
my boy and me and all that’s mine!

_Phil._

Quid tibi ex filio nam, obsecro, aegrest?

What in the world has your son done to vex you, pray?

_Nic._

Scies:
id, perit cum tuo: ambo aeque amicas habent.

You shall know: this--he’s going to the dogs along with
yours: the both of them alike have mistresses.

_Phil._

Qui scis?

How do you know?

_Nic._

Vidi.

I saw.

_Phil._

Ei mihi, disperii.

(_with apparent conviction_) Oh dear me! Terrible,
terrible!

_Nic._

Quid dubitamus pultare atque hue evocare ambos foras?

Why don’t we go straight up and knock; and call them both
out here?

_Phil._

Haud moror.

(_lukewarm_) I have no objection.

_Nic._

Heus Bacchis, iube sic actutum aperiri fores,
nisi mavoltis fores et postes comminui securibus.

(_pounding on Bacchis’s door_) Hi! Bacchis! Be so good as to
have the door opened this instant, unless you prefer to have
door and doorposts smashed in with axes!

V. 2.

Scene 2.

_Bacch._

Quis sonitu ac tumultu tanto nominat me atque pultat aedes? 1120

(_within_) Who’s raising such a din and uproar, calling me
and beating on the house?

ENTER THE TWO _Bacchises_ INTO DOORWAY.

_Nic._

Ego atque hic.

This gentleman and I.

_Bacch._

Quid hoc est negoti nam, amabo?
quis has hue ovis adegit?

(_to sister after surveying them_) Mercy me, dear, what does
this mean? Who drove these sheep here?

_Nic._

Ovis nos vocant pessumae.

(_to Philoxenus_) They’re calling us sheep, the sluts!

_Soror_

Pastor harum
dormit, quom haec eunt sic a pecu balitantes.

Their shepherd must be taking a nap, to let them straggle
off from the flock this way, bleating.

_Bacch._

At pol nitent, haud sordidae videntur ambae.

My goodness, though! They are sleek! they seem to be quite
spick and span, both of them.

_Soror_

Attonsae hae quidem ambae usque sunt.

Yes, you see they’ve both been ever so well shorn.

_Phil._

Ut videntur
deridere nos.

(_to Nicobulus_) Hm! They seem to be making fun of us.

_Nic._

Sine suo usque arbitratu.

(_sourly_) Let them go as far as they like.

_Bacch._

Rerin ter in anno tu has tonsitari?

Do you suppose they are generally sheared three times a year?

_Soror_

Pol hodie altera iam bis detonsa certo est.

Goodness me! that other one (_indicating Nicobulus_) has
been shorn twice this very day for certain.

_Bacch._

Vetulae sunt minae ambae.[31]

They’re both rather woolless old--(_with a sly glance at her
sister_) customers.

_Soror_

At bonas fuisse credo.

But they used to be good ones, I do believe.

_Bacch._

Viden limulis, obsecro, ut intuentur? 1130

For heaven’s sake, do you see the little sidelong glances
they’re casting at us?

_Soror_

Ecastor sine omni arbitror malitia esse.

Oh well, I don’t think they mean anything naughty by it.

_Phil._

Merito hoc nobis fit, qui quidem hue venerimus.

(_to Nicobulus_) This serves us right for coming here!

_Bacch._

Cogantur quidem intro.

They really ought to be pushed inside.

_Soror_

Haud scio quid eo opus sit,
quae nec lac nec lanam ullam habent. sic sine astent.
exsolvere quanti fuere, omnis fructus
iam illis decidit. non vides, ut palantes solae liberae
grassentur? quin aetate credo esse mutas:
ne balant quidem, quom a pecu cetero absunt.
stultae atque haud malae videntur.
revortamur intro, soror.

I don’t see any use in that, they haven’t any milk, or wool
either. Let them stand still as they are. They’ve been
worked to their full value; all the fruit has dropped off of
them already. Don’t you see how they straggle along
aimlessly, alone, untended? Why, I do believe they’re dumb
with age; they don’t even bleat at being away from the rest
of the flock. They seem perfectly harmless--just silly.
Let’s go back inside, sister.

_Nic._

Ilico ambae 1140
manete: haec oves volunt vos.

Stay where you are, both of you: these sheep want you.

_Soror_

Prodigium hoc quidemst: humana nos voce appellant oves.

Dear, dear, miraculous! The sheep are addressing us, quite
as if they were human!

_Nic._

Haec oves vobis malam rem magnam, quam debent, dabunt

These sheep are going to give you all the trouble they owe
you.

_Bacch._

Si quam debes, te condono: tibi habe, numquam abs te petam.
sed quid est quapropter nobis vos malum minitamini?

If you owe anything, I’ll forgive it you: keep it yourself--
I’ll never come to you for it. But what’s the reason for
your threatening us with trouble?

_Phil._

Quia nostros agnos conclusos istic esse aiunt duos.

Because they say our lambs are shut up in there, (_pointing
to house_) two of them.

_Nic._

Et praeter eos agnos meus est istic clam mordax canis:
qui nisi nobis producuntur iam atque emittuntur foras,
arietes truces nos erimus, iam in vos incursabimus.

And besides those lambs, there’s a dog of mine, a biter,
skulking in there: unless these beasts are produced for us
immediately and let out of doors, we’ll turn into ferocious
rams, and immediately butt you.

_Bacch._

Soror, est quod te volo secreto.

Sister, I want a word with you in private, (_takes her
aside_)

_Soror._

Eho, amabo.

(_inquiringly_) Well, well, there’s a dear!

_Nic._

Quo illaec abeunt?

Where are they off to?

_Bacch._

Senem illum tibi dedo ultenorem, lepide ut lenitum reddas; 1150
ego ad hunc iratum adgrediar, si possumus nos hos intro inlicere huc.

I give that further old fellow (_pointing to Philoxenus_)
over to you to get nicely pacified; I’ll make up to this
bear, (_indicating Nicobulus_) and we’ll see if we can’t
lure them inside here.

_Soror_

Meum pensum ego lepide accurabo, quamquam odiost mortem amplexari.

(_without enthusiasm_) I’ll take care of my stint nicely
enough, even though it is sickening to hug a death’s-head.

_Bacch._

Facito ut facias.

See you do it.

_Soror_

Taceas. tu tuom facito: ego quod dixi haud mutabo.

Hush! You do your share, and I won’t fail to keep my word.

_Nic._

Quid illaec illic in consilio duae secreto consultant?

What are they scheming, those two, in that secret session?

_Phil._

Quid ais tu, homo?

(_awkwardly_) I say, old fellow.

_Nic._

Quid me vis?

What do you want?

_Phil._

Pudet dicere me tibi quiddam.

There’s something I’m ashamed to tell you.

_Nic._

Quid est quod pudeat?

What is it you are ashamed of?

_Phil._

Sed amico homini tibi quod volo credere certumst.
nihili sum.

But to a good friend like you--yes, I’m going to own up to
what I want. (_pauses_) I’m an ass.

_Nic._

Istuc iam pridem scio. sed qui nihili es? id memora.

I have known that for some time. But why are you an ass?
Explain that.

_Phil._

Tactus sum vehementer visco;
cor stimulo foditur.

(_with a wry smile_) I’m most confoundedly caught in
bird-lime; my heart’s pierced by a goad.

_Nic._

Pol tibi multo aequius est coxendicem.
sed quid istuc est?
etsi iam ego ipsus quid sit probe scire puto me; 1160
verum audire etiam ex te studeo.

Jove! much more to the point, if it were your nether
portions! But what do you mean? And yet I think I have a
pretty fair notion myself what it is already; however, I’m
anxious to have it from your own lips.

_Phil._

Viden hanc?

Do you see this girl? (_pointing to the Sister_)

_Nic._

Video.

I do.

_Phil._

Haud mala est mulier.

(_approvingly_) Not a bad one!

_Nic._

Pol vero ista mala et tu nihili.

(_indignantly_) Good Lord! She certainly is a bad one, and
you are an ass.

_Phil._

Quid multa? ego amo.

(_not listening_) In short, I’m in love with her.

_Nic._

An amas?

You in love?

_Phil._

ναὶ γάρ.

_Bien sur!_

_Nic._

Tun, homo putide, amator istac fieri aetate audes?

You, you disgusting creature? You venture to turn lover at
your age?

_Phil._

Qui non?

Why not?

_Nic._

Quia flagitium est.

Because it’s infamous.

_Phil._

Quid opust verbis? meo filio non sum iratus,
neque te tuost aequom esse iratum: si amant, sapienter faciunt.

(_gathering courage rapidly_) Tut, tut! I’m not angry at my
son, and you oughtn’t to be angry at yours: if they’re in
love, they’re acting wisely.

_Bacch._

Sequere hac.

(_to sister_) Come along.

_Nic._

Eunt eccas tandem
probri perlecebrae et persuastrices,
quid nunc? etiam redditis nobis
filios et servom? an ego experior
tecum vim maiorem?

Ah, there they come at last, the seductive, persuasive
pests! (_to sisters_) Well now? See here, are you going
to give us back our sons and servant? Or shall I try more
vigorous measures with you?

_Phil._

Abin hinc?
non homo tu quidem es, qui istoc pacto tam lepidam inlepide appelles.

(_to Nicobulus, protestingly_) Get out, will you? There’s no
red blood in you, addressing a sweet little girl (_leering
at Bacchis_) in that sour fashion.

_Bacch._

Senex optime quantumst in terra, sine me hoc exorare abs te, 1170
ut istuc delictum desistas tanto opere ire oppugnatum.

(_to Nicobulus, as she tries to fondle him_) You nicest old
man in all the world, do let me persuade you not to be so
awfully opposed to your son’s naughtiness.

_Nic._

Ni abeas, quamquam tu bella es,
malum tibi magnum dabo iam.

(_struggling to be very stern_) Unless you get away from
me--no matter if you are pretty--I’ll give you a good sound
slap this minute.

_Bacch._

Patiar,
non metuo, ne quid mihi doleat
quod ferias.

(_softly, still fondling him_) I’ll take it. I’m not afraid
of your striking me so as to hurt at all.

_Nic._

Ut blandiloquast!
ei mihi, metuo.

(_aside_) What a coaxer she is! Oh, dear me! I’m afraid!

_Soror_

Hic magis tranquillust.

(_caressing Philoxenus to his high satisfaction_) This one
is more peaceful.

_Bacch._

I hac mecum intro atque ibi, si quid vis, filium concastigato.

Do come inside here with me: yes, and punish your son ever
so, in there, if you like.

_Nic._

Abin a me, scelus?

Get away from me, you hussy!

_Bacch._

Sine, mea pietas, te exorem.

Let me persuade you, that’s a love! (_tries to draw him
toward house_)

_Nic._

Exores tu me?

You persuade me?

_Soror_

Ego quidem ab hoc certe exorabo.

I’ll certainly persuade my man, at any rate.

_Phil._

Immo ego te oro, ut me intro abducas.

(_returning her embrace with vigour_) No you won’t: I myself
beg you to take me inside.

_Soror_

Lepidum te.

Oh, you delightful man!

_Phil._

At scin quo pacto me ad te intro abducas?

But do you know on what condition you can take me inside.

_Soror_

Mecum ut sis.

Yes, your being with me.

_Phil._

Omnia quae cupio commemoras.

The sum total of my desires!

_Nic._

Vidi ego nequam homines, verum te
neminem deteriorem.

(_pulling himself together_) I have seen worthless men, but
never a worse one than you.

_Phil._

Ita sum. 1180

(_cheerfully_) So I am.

_Bacch._

I hac mecum intro,
ubi tibi sit lepide victibus, vino atque unguentis.

(_to Nicobulus_) Do come along inside with me: you’ll have a
lovely time--things to eat, and wine and perfumes.

_Nic._

Satis, satis iam vostrist convivi:
me nil paenitet ut sim acceptus:
quadringentis Philippis filius me et
Chrysalus circumduxerunt.
quem quidem ego ut non excruciem,
alterum tantum auri non meream.

Enough, enough of your banqueting already--it makes no
difference to me how I’m entertained! Four hundred pounds
I’ve been tricked out of by my son and Chrysalus. And
I wouldn’t forgo making that slave bleed for it, not for
another four hundred.

_Bacch._

Quid tandem, si dimidium auri
redditur, in hac mecum intro? atque ut
eis delicta ignoscas.

Well, but supposing half of it is given back, won’t you come
in with me, then? Yes, and pardon their offences?

_Phil._

Faciet.

He’ll do it.

_Nic._

Minime, nolo. nil moror, sine sic.
malo illos ulcisci ambo.

(_with all his remaining resolution_) Not a bit of it.
I don’t want to. None of this for me: leave me alone.
I prefer to take vengeance on that pair.

_Phil._

Etiam tu homo nihili? quod di dant boni cave culpa tua amissis
dimidium auri datur. accipias, potesque et scortum aecumbas.

(_aside to Nicobulus_) See here, you--ass! Look out you
don’t lose the blessings the gods give you, and have
yourself to blame for it. Here’s half the money given you:
take it, and drink and have a good time with the wench.

_Nic._

Egon ubi filius corrumpatur meus, ibi potem?

(_very feebly_) I drink in the house where my son is being
debauched?

_Phil._

Potandumst. 1190

(_clapping him on the shoulder_) Drink you must.

_Nic._

Age iam, id ut ut est,
etsi est dedecori patiar, facere inducam animum
egon, cum haec cum illo accubet, inspectem?

(_giving way temporarily_) Come on then, no matter what
it is, disgraceful though it be, I’ll stand it, I’ll bring
myself to it. (_after a pause, doubtfully_) Am I to look
on while she’s on the couch beside him?

_Bacch._

Immo equidem pol tecum accumbam,
te amabo et te amplexabor.

Goodness me, no indeed! I’ll be on the couch beside you,
loving you and hugging you. (_snuggles up to him_)

_Nic._

Caput prurit, perii, vix negito.

(_aside_) My head does itch! Dear, dear, dear! It is hard to
keep on saying no!

_Bacch._

Non tibi venit in mentem, amabo,
si dum vivas tibi bene facias
tam pol id quidem esse haud perlonginquom,
neque, si hoc hodie amissis, post in
morte eventurum esse umquam?

My dear man, doesn’t it occur to you that, supposing you do
enjoy yourself all your life, this life is very, very short,
after all,--good gracious, yes!--and that if you let this
chance slip, it won’t come again when you’re dead, ever?

_Nic._

Quid ago?

(_nearly helpless_) What am I to do?

_Phil._

Quid agas? rogitas etiam?

To do? The idea of asking that!

_Nic._

Libet et metuo.

I long to, and--I’m afraid.

_Bacch._

Quid metuis?

Afraid of what?

_Nic._

Ne obnoxius filio sim et servo.

Of humbling myself before my son and servant.

_Bacch._

Mel meum, amabo, etsi haec fiunt,
tuost: unde illum sumere censes, nisi quod tute illi dederis?
hanc veniam illis sine te exorem.

Oh, honey, there’s a dear, now! Even if it’s all so, he’s
your own boy: where do you think he’s to get money, except
from your own generous self? Do let me persuade you to
forgive them.

_Nic._

Ut terebrat! satin offirmatum
quod mihi erat, id me exorat? 1200
tua sum opera et propter te improbior.

(_half aside_) How she does drill through a man! Is she
actually persuading me against my fixed intention? (_giving
up the struggle and yielding to Bacchis’s caresses_) I’m a
reprobate now, and all because of you and your efforts.

_Bacch._

Ne tis[32] quam mea mavellem.
satin ego istuc habeo firmatum?

(_softly and tenderly_) Oh, I do wish it had been your
efforts rather than (_giving her sister a dreary smile_)
mine. So I’m actually to take that as your fixed intention?

_Nic._

Quod semel dixi haud mutabo

What I have once said I won’t change.

_Bacch._

It dies, ite intro accubitum,
filii vos exspectant intus.

The day is going: go inside and take your places on the
couches. Your sons are within waiting for you.

_Nic._

Quam quidem actutum emoriamur.

(_dryly_) Yes, waiting for us to breathe our last with
celerity.

_Soror_

Vesper hic est, sequimini.

It’s evening: come along.

_Nic._

Ducite nos quo lubet tamquam quidem addictos.

Take us where you please, just as if we were your veritable
bond servants.

_Bacch._

Lepide ipsi hi sunt capti, suis qui filiis fecere insidias.

(_aside to spectators_) Here they are, prettily caught
themselves--after laying traps for their sons.
[EXEUNT OMNES INTO HOUSE OF _Bacchis_.

GREX