Chapter X: Letter II: "dear Mr. Punch,

"In my last letter to you, I mentioned a few of the _Statutum ests_ of '_Tit._ XIV.' of the Oxford Statutes; and I now come to consider '_Tit._ XV.' of the same amusing work, premising that I shall confine my remarks to this _Tit._, as it would be a task of insufferable weariness--and one, I suppose, which like the discovery of the source of the Nile, no philanthropist would ever live to carry out--to attempt to explore the twenty-one _Tits._, which, with their _appendices_ branches, run through that immense tract of paper intended for the use of the academic youth (_in usum juventutis academicaae_). But I may remark, _en passant_, as our 'lively neighbours' say--(I don't know French, _Mr. Punch_, but I like to quote it occasionally, as it shows refinement and education, and that you read the _Morning Post_, and all that sort of thing)--I may remark, that for the Vice-Chancellor to drive twenty-one of these _Tits._ in hand, and keep them well together, must be no ordinary act of JEHU-ism; and I think it would have added greatly to the effect of the late Commemoration, if they had put out illustrated posters, that the new Chancellor, 'acknowledged by the Press to be the premier jockey of the day, and without a Peer in the Westminster Circle,' would make his 'first public entrance into Oxford, driving TWENTY-ONE TITS IN HAND!' after which would, of course, follow 'the performances in the Theatre,' with 'the drolleries of the Caucasian Clown,' and 'the laughable farce of _The Phenomenon in a Doctor's gown.'_ I think something might have been made of that; but the hint may perhaps be taken against the next opportunity.

"_Tit._ XV. treats '_De moribus conformandis_;" and it first orders that all juniors should pay due respect to their seniors--their seniors that is, in academical rank, for age does _not_ come before dignity in Oxford--the undergraduates to the B.A.'s, the B.A.'s to the M.A.'s, the M.A.'s to the D.C.L.'s, and so on, according to the standing of the 'Man of letters;' (a phrase which evidently refers to those mysterious decimations of the alphabet, which some people delight to put after their names). And the 'due respect' is to be shown, firstly, by yielding up the best seats, (_locum potiorem cedendo_) which, they tell me, was done in the theatre at the late Commemoration, by putting the undergraduates in the gallery, the M.A.'s in the pit, and reserving the boxes and dress circle for the 'Dons' and the ladies; and secondly, by giving the wall, and by capping, or, as the Statute more expressively says, 'by uncovering the head at a proper distance,' (_ad justum intervallum caput aperiendo_) though what this proper distance may be, appears to be left to the taste of the capper, the rank of the cappee, the force of the wind, the length of the arm, or any other directing influence. Probably the distance is measured by the relative dignity of the wearers of the cap, so that an undergraduate would have to uncover himself as soon as the Vice-Chancellor came in sight; and, in the event of a dispute as to the proper distance, the matter would probably be settled as they arrange similar differences of opinion under the new Cab Act, and would be brought before the Vice-Chancellor's Court, who would, doubtless, order the distance to be measured. At any rate, it appears that my son PETERLOO will have to learn to keep his distance, and this inclines me to think favourably of this Statute; for I have always been of opinion (since I made money by it) that there is nothing like being 'umble' to your superiors, and showing them all that respect which they desire, even if they don't deserve. But I am glad that the Oxford authorities enforce this Statute by wisely ordaining that those who neglect the proper marks of respect, shall be punished with impositions, loss of terms, and the setting down of their names in the Proctor's Black Book, (_in Libro Nigro Procuratorum_), which I have no doubt is the Bogy with which the nurses of Alma Mater terrify and awe her refractory children. But moreover, if they should still contumaciously persist in their conduct, (_si contumaces perstiterint_), they shall be fined in addition, not more than five pounds for each offence. It does not say what is done with the money, but it probably goes towards purchasing a plaister for wounded dignity. Now, _Mr. Punch_, as touching this healthy Statute, I am rather curious to know how many undergraduates, B.A.'s, or M.A.'s, were, during the late Commemoration, castigated by the Proctors (_Procuratoribus castigentur_), or fined this five pounds, or had their names put down in that terrible Black Book, or done anything else to, for not capping at a proper distance, or yielding the wall to DR. SAMUEL WARREN, D.C.L., F.R.S., &c. &c., when they met that talented author of _The Lily and the Bee_, (that _sweet, thoughtful_ poem, as MRS. BROWN calls it,) when he promenaded the High Street in all the scarlet glories of his new D.C.L.-ship? For, if the Proctors' Black Book be innocent of names branded therein for the dire offences mentioned, of course there would not be such a Statute for matriculating members to swear to obey.

"It is next ordered that nobody should wander idly about the city or its suburbs, or be seen loitering about the streets, or the public market-place; (_neque in Plateis, aut publico Foro, stantes aut commorantes conspiciantur_,) just as though Oxford was always in a state of insurrection, and it was feared that if groups of students lounged in the streets, the Riot Act would have to be read, and the military called out. But, on the whole, I admire this rule also; for I know that when young men hang about in front of attractive shop-windows, the natural result is the running up of bills; and my son, PETERLOO, has rather a pretty taste for jewellery and pictures. I am glad to think, therefore, that the authorities put a stop to these expensive lounges, and even punish them '_pro arbitrio Vice-Cancellarii, vel Procuratorum_.' But I cannot help thinking, _Mr. Punch_, how greatly painters must draw on their own imaginations, when they represent the High Street of Oxford as always enlivened by several of these condemned groups: clearly an artistic license, as the authorities would have immediately dispersed them, in accordance with their Statute.

"The next Statute that says nobody must frequent the houses of the townspeople and the workshops of artificers, without reasonable cause, I pass over with the simple remark, that it would have been better to have avoided the gratuitous insult that places respectable houses in the same clause with others that are both shameless and nameless; and I come to the next Statute, which says that Nobody shall frequent the taverns, wine-shops, or places within the city and University precincts, where wine, or any other liquor, or the herb Nicotiana or 'Tobacco,' is commonly sold. ('_Cauponis, AEnopoliis ac domibus_ * * * _in quibus vinum, aut quivis alius potus, aut herba Nicotiana sive_ Tobacco, _ordinarie venditur, abstineant_), and that the townspeople who admit the students to such houses shall be heavily fined, or punished with loss of custom for a certain time.

"Bless me, _Mr. Punch_! to think that I have smoked tobacco all my life, and called it by its wrong name! But, as SAM SLICK observes of the Frenchman, 'Blow'd if he didn't call a hat a shappo! This comes of his not speaking English!' so, I suppose, I fell into the mistake of calling the herb Nicotiana by its vulgar name of Tobacco, from not having had the advantage of an Oxford education. The Statute speaks for itself. It entirely sets at rest those absurd reports that we hear and read of the great consumption in Oxford of wines and spirituous liquors, pale ale, and the herb Nicotiana; and when my neighbour's son, BELLINGHAM GREY, of Christchurch, has the politeness to offer me a 'weed' (he does not call it a 'herb,' I observe, so I suppose the plant has degenerated,) which he says he purchased at CASTLE'S, or some other great stronghold for Oxford smokers; and when he further entertains me with accounts of snug little undergraduate dinners at the Star, or Mitre, and how from the effects of an injudicious mixture of liquors the waiter's face came to be artistically corked and otherwise taken liberties with; and when he narrates other anecdotes of a like pleasant nature, I must suppose that he takes me for a Marine, and tells his tales accordingly. For it is very evident to all sensible persons, that when the authorities require the students to swear _not_ to do these things, and to receive certain punishments if they do them, that they would be strict in enforcing the Statute, and would not tamely suffer either thoughtless undergraduates to break their oaths, or the unfortunate tavern and shop-keepers, and vendors of the herb Nicotiana, to run a risk of fines and loss of custom. Would they, _Mr. Punch_? I should rayther think not, says

"Your Constant Reader, PETERLOO BROWN."

* * * * *

A BARE POSSIBILITY.--The Russian Bear keeping the peace in Europe for long.

* * * * *

THE DOOM OF WESTMINSTER BRIDGE.

The Act has at length passed for the total destruction of Westminster Bridge, and another bridge is to succeed, which, if it is really to succeed, must be as unlike as possible to the existing bridge, which has been a complete failure. The career of this bridge has been downward from the first, and its continuance has been a phenomenon similar to that which is illustrated by the old saying that "a creaking door hangs long upon the hinges." Westminster Bridge has been, as long as we can remember, "going, going, going," and it has been a matter of constant wonder that it had never yet "gone." We have never on traversing it been able to look back upon it with the respect due to "the bridge that carries us safely over," for we have always felt that the safety was due rather to good fortune than to any merit the bridge itself had to rest upon.

We cannot help feeling delighted that an act of Parliament will at last put this unhappy old bridge out of its misery, instead of sanctioning the further infliction of the painful operations to which it has been subjected. The poor old bridge is no longer to be maimed and mutilated, but it is to be made away with once and for ever. It has already undergone the process of trepanning, by having something removed from its crown, and it has long ago been able to boast of nothing better than wooden legs, by the process of giving it timbers to stand upon, as well as wooden arms, by the substitution of wood-work for its old original balustrades. We are delighted that the old nuisance will not be suffered to die in its bed, or rather in the bed of the river, into which it daily threatened to tumble. Westminster Bridge has, indeed, had a fair trial, for it has been tried by its piers, and its condemnation has been the inevitable result, for its piers have been, perhaps, the chief cause of its downfall.

* * * * *

OUR YOUNG LADY AT SPITHEAD.

MISS LAURA TREMAINE _to her Sister, the Wife of_ AUGUSTUS FLOPP, ESQ., M.P.

"MY DEAREST LOUISA,

"Certainly, of all the unkind, and churlish creatures that ever lived, the House of Commons contains the very worst specimens, and, my dear, they are all alike, so there is no use in your making a protest on behalf of your own Honourable Member. Not to take you to the Spithead Review, and then to plead, as an apology, that there were no ships for your accommodation! And this is the omnipotent Parliament, that has only to say that coals shall not smoke, and they instantly emit nothing but perfumed incense; that cabmen shall not cheat, and they at once become as polite as guardsmen (and a great deal politer); that candidates shall not bribe, and they immediately begin to pay the voters who have opposed them, just to prevent the poor men from being unlawfully rewarded by their own friends. And yet this wonderful Parliament pretends that it cannot find a ship or two to take its own wives to see the Queen review the fleet! The men must think you are perfect geese, my dear LOO, to offer you such rubbishing excuses. It is very well for AUGUSTUS that he married you and not me, as he was once inclined to do (he _was_, so you need not make a face), for you accept 'the House' as an excuse for everything, and are afraid to look at the newspaper in the morning to see what hour Parliament rose, for fear you should discover that he _could_ not have been waiting for a division at three. And you believe, too, that it is necessary for him to be full dressed for a debate, and that it produces just the same effect upon him as champagne does upon ordinary men. O, LOUISA! But you _like_ it, I believe.

Well, as I have not got an AUGUSTUS to tell me stories and leave me at home, I went with LADY DE GULES and her sister to Portsmouth, and every kind of care was taken of us. We went from the hotel (where I hear they were demanding unheard-of prices from strangers, and charging them five guineas for leave to pass the night on a hob, with the run of the fender for a dressing-room), and some naval officers whom LADY DE GULES ordered up for our service--her brother, you know, is a Lord of Admiralty--escorted us through the dockyard, and had a boat waiting at the stairs to take us to a great steamship lying in the harbour. Now, I should like to know why the wives of Parliament could not have had this very ship. There was plenty of room, nothing could be nicer. We had an awning over us, and the Captain ordered one of the cannons to be taken in, so that we had the porthole for a window, and there we clustered, LADY DE GULES having shawls and things put upon the cannon, and perching herself on the top. There were a few good people on board, but I rather think that at the last moment, when the Admiralty authorities found that they did not want the tickets, they flung them to the local folks, who came on board very fussy and angular--horrid men, all in black at ten in the morning, and women covered with jewellery, which one of the little middies said they bought cheap of the Jews in the High Street--it _did_ look like it. However, they kept at a respectful distance, and sneered at one another. Some of the officers on board were very attentive, and if I wanted to marry a man in uniform, I would sooner have the sea-livery than the land. They are fresher, and much pleasanter to talk to than the hardened army men, and really think more of you than the other spoiled creatures do. It was quite delightful to see them fly about to make you comfortable, doing things the soldier-officers, as your dreadful child calls them, would faint at the idea of--except at Chobham, where I admit they behave very decently. I should think it was not impossible for a woman to get to like a sailor pretty well, if she saw nobody else.

About the sight itself, my dear LOUI, you had better ask somebody who understood it--your husband, perhaps, for he was in the _Bulldog_, which behaved dreadfully ill, breaking the line, or some fearful seawater crime. First, when the QUEEN came in her yellow yacht, the guns were fired, and then there was a long pause, while she visited the _Duke of Wellington_, a monster of a ship with, I think they said, eleven hundred and thirty-one guns, or tons, or something; but you must not take figures from me. Then we all went away in a sea-procession, which was very pretty, the great ships in long lines in the middle, hundreds of steamboats and thousands of yachts following in a miscellaneous crowd, the sun shining very brightly, and the sea as green as grass. LADY DE GULES, like a goose, fancied herself sea-sick, which I believe she would do if a glass of salt-water were set upon her dressing-table; but we would not pity her, and she thought better of it. While we were at lunch--at which the officers behaved with great devotion, and a disinterestedness remarkably unlike something you and I have seen--it seems that the fleet was cannonading an enemy, but I looked out of window and could see nothing but smoke, so we stayed where we were.

I send you a sketch of it from memory. _Entre nous_, I was not quite unprofitably engaged. I do not know whether it will come to anything, but just ask AUGUSTUS, _from yourself_, whether the Shropshire branch of the LARTONBURY family is the right one, and if he knows HENRY LARTONBURY. Swanby House, or Hall, or something, is, I think, the family place, but I have some idea that _my_ LARTONBURYS don't live there. Until I know this, of course, I can say nothing, but it is a _strong case_, and he can wait with great safety. Be sure you ask AUGUSTUS, and write to me directly to LADY DE GULES'S.

"We came to town by a special train with lots of Members of Parliament. I could not see AUGUSTUS, my dear, but the others did not look so unhappy at being without their wives as you pathetically tell me he looked on leaving you. O you silly LOUISA!

"I hope I have given you a full account of the day's proceedings, but the newspapers will tell you the rest--one of the writers was in the carriage with us--I had no idea they were such nice clean people, and he knew more than all the Members put together--there, don't look angry.

"Ever your affectionate,

"LAURA."

"_Gules House, Saturday._"

"P.S.--Be particular about the _Shropshire_ branch, because there are some Hereford LARTONBURYS who won't do at all, and who ought to be made to change their name. Light hair, dark eyes, and a very affected manner, but not a bad style."

* * * * *

THE FASHIONABLE EPIDEMIC.

There is a curious epidemic flying about--we hardly know what it is--but it attacks principally the highest and the middle classes. So very contagious is it, and so certain in its effects, that, to our knowledge alone, no less than 5632 families, principally residing at the West-end, have been ordered by their physicians to _leave town immediately_ for "change of air."

* * * * *

SCREAMING.--A term generally applied to refractory children, and Adelphi farces!

* * * * *

* * * * *

Immense excitement prevails among an important class of manufacturers--those engaged in the manufacture of that atmospheric canopy, the sable expanse of which extends over London and its environs, serving the inhabitants of the whole metropolitan district as a parasol. The cause of this commotion is the Smoke Nuisance Bill--so called; against which a number of gentlemen, and others, professing the principles of Free Carbon, met last night to protest, at the Hole-and-Corner.

The chair having been taken by MR. SUTKINS, the business of the meeting commenced with uproar. Comparative silence having been obtained, MR. LONGSHAFT, brewer, rose to move a resolution, that the principle of the Smoke Bill was at variance with the constitution of England. At a time when London was much more smoky than it is now, it was said that "Liberty is like the air we breathe." Could any atmosphere be more salubrious than that air? Smoke possessed curative properties, especially in reference to hams; and the very essence of smoke was applied for the cure of kippered salmon. He had sent some bottles of smoke from his own brew-house to a celebrated German chemist, who had written him a certificate in the form of a letter, to the effect that he had analysed the smoke, and found it to consist principally of carbon, which possessed antiseptic properties; sulphurous and carbonic acid gases: the former of which acted as a tonic, whilst the latter constituted the enlivening element of bottled ale and stout, ginger beer and soda water. The philosopher had accompanied this statement by a declaration that he, for his part, liked the smoke as a perfume, and would be glad to be supplied with a few more bottles of it for his personal use. Hitherto this beautiful smoke had been allowed to waste its sweetness on the London air, which was now threatened with the deprivation of that singular advantage. The loss of the smoke would not affect him individually much, as he lived some distance out of town; and could only indulge in a whiff now and then, when he went to his place of business. He regarded the attack upon their chimneys as the commencement of an invasion of their hearths; and exhorted all who meant to defend the latter to rally round the former. (_Great applause._)

MR. FUNNELL, Captain of a Thames steamer, seconded the resolution. In his situation he had good opportunities of hearing the expression of public opinion about the Smoke Bill. People said if Parliament objected to volumes of smoke, why did they publish so many Blue Books? If they wanted to prevent chimneys from puffing they shouldn't have took off the Advertisement duty. What was the use of emancipating Blacks abroad if they wasn't to enjoy freedom at home? That was what the Public had to say about the matter. For his part he looked on the separation of fire and smoke as a unnatural divorce. Consume his own smoke! Why they might as well ask him to consume his own wife. Fire without smoke--by-and-bye, he supposed, it would be bread without butter. What? he expected the next thing would be your scientific legislators would bring in a bill for dividing thunder and lightning. He called this here Smoke Bill the Repeal of the Union. A little smoke on the river was wholesome. A stream that had such a lot of sewers flowing into it required fumigation. He had heard passengers returning from Kew Gardens talk about plants there that lived upon air. In course, the more substance there was in the air the more nutritions it must be both for wegetable and hanimal life. Legislation was going too fast. Ease her! stop her! take a turn astarn! As to this tyrannical and arbitrary Bill of LORD PALMINSTER'S for the consumption of smoke, he should give it every opposition: and he hoped through their united efforts it would be brought to end in that wery identical object it was directed agin. (_Much cheering._)

MR. COWL had the honour to belong to a branch of the medical profession. His practice was the cure of smoky chimneys. He protested against a measure which would deprive him of his patients; and if the Smoke Act was enforced he hoped at least he should receive compensation.

MR. GENTLET was a producer of smoke. He supposed his interests were affected by this measure, which required the producer to be also the consumer, but did they call that political economy? To be sure he was not the proprietor of a chimney; but he possessed a nose: which came to the same thing. The very occupation he pursued was that of smoking. It was the employment of his life. It might not be a very useful branch of industry: but it was an ornamental one. They knew by the smoke that so gracefully curled from the end of his weed that a Pickwick was near. They knew that a gent of fashionable exterior and elegant manners was nigh likewise. If he was obliged to consume his own smoke, how could he continue to diffuse fragrance in society? He identified himself with the party of smokers; as he was a smoking party himself. If smoke was such a nuisance, why did they make so much the other day at the review at Spithead? Let them put that question in their pipe--and, he would add, smoke it. Talking of pipes, he would tell PALMERSTON that his idea of a chimney consuming its own smoke was a mere sham.

[_The speaker resumed his seat amid great laughter, principally from
himself, and the meeting terminated as it began, with clamour._

* * * * *

RESOURCE, FOR YOUNG LADIES.

Why should young ladies in distress commit suicide, or turn governesses in genteel families, when they might earn a decent competence by penny-a-lining? Can they? Why yes, to be sure they can. For example, here is a piece of that work as characteristic as crochet:--

"THE MOORS.--This morning, with the break of dawn, the quick report
of the rifle would be heard on all the moors of Scotland, and before
this sheet is in the hands of our readers, many thousand boxes of
birds will have been bagged by the keen sportsmen."

"Many thousand boxes of birds," each box containing several, will have been "bagged by the keen sportsmen;" every single bird almost out of the several thousand bagged on "the quick report of the rifle." For, you see, the rifle could not, except very rarely, kill two birds with one bullet: so that a brace of grouse dropping to the "quick report of the rifle" would be a rare occurrence. Pop goes the rifle; down goes the bird, perhaps; but that is all, in general. As the keenest sportsmen, however, sometimes miss, and rifle balls have a longish range, the sporting on these moors must have been rather dangerous to unfeathered birds as well as to game. Six shots might "achieve;" but the seventh, at least, would, in all probability, "deceive," as the British melodramatist says in _Der Freischuetz_. But we are ourselves firing wide of our mark, or digressing from the point: which is, that the above paragraph, copied from the _Stirling Journal_, is evidently the production of a lady. The sex of the writer is betrayed in the vague allusion to "the rifle." A masculine scribe, with that precision in reference to shooting that cannot be expected from the female mind, would have been more specific, and would have told us whether these wonderful Scotch rifles that brought down so many grouse were _Minie_ rifles or American revolvers.

* * * * *

A CIVIL CABMAN'S SAUCE.

A Cabman was summoned before the LORD MAYOR--
The report in the _Times_ may be found--
For refusing to take in his carriage a fare,
Which to do he was legally bound.

The cab of defendant, complainant averred,
That he saw, disengaged, on the stand;
And to hire it proposed, but defendant demurred,
And declined to accord the demand.

But only to think, now, how gentle, how mild,
How pleasant a Cabman can be!
As he made the objection, he quietly smiled,
And observed that he wanted his Tea.

In the same airy strain and light jocular mood,
Which we cannot too highly admire,
Did the gentleman not, he politely pursued,
That refreshment himself, too, require?

But how shall we ever the sequel relate?
This behaviour, so worthy of praise,
Procured--it is really distressing to state--
Twenty Shillings--or else Fourteen Days!

* * * * *

EL VERDADERO DESCUBRIMIENTO D'IXIMAYA.

POR DON VELASQUEZ CROCKER, UN INGENIO DE ESTA CORTE.

The manuscript of the following "True Discovery of Iximaya," by "a wit of this court" (as the old Spanish dramatists would have said), was brought to _Mr. Punch's_ office, together with three pounds of chocolate and a box of cigars, by an unknown hand. _Mr. Punch_ forgives the mixed jargon of the verses, being moved thereto by the integrity of the chocolate and cigars, which were entirely Spanish; but, as his readers have not tasted of the one, or inhaled the fumes of the other, he has employed three of the best Spanish scholars in the Foreign Office (placed at his disposal by LORD CLARENDON) to prepare the annexed translations of his correspondent's most recondite phrases.

SENOR PUNCH, amigo mio; cuyo sobremucho brio
Todo triste enfado rio drives from out the heart of man!
JUDITH, cuyo cor airoso ofiende su esposo!
Y TOBIAS, tan jocoso, de los canes Grande Can!
Hear a singular narration of a long-lost Aztec nation
In a lonely situation dwelling on its ancient plan;
I alone have entered into its forbidden lands by dint o'
All the wit of MENDEZ PINTO, and the brass of JONATHAN.
In the town of Guatemala, sitting in the antesala
(That you know's the tap-room parlour) of a queer old Spanish inn,
While the portly Mesonero--platicante el dinero
De tan rico forastero through his appetite to win--
Brought from out the meagre larder of his precious poor posada
A sabrosa sazonada, mess of beans, in dripping fried;
I was mindful of a greasy Padre, very fat and wheezy,
Who, with action free and easy, came and sat him by my side;
Saying, "Senor por mi vida, if I share your slight comida,
It is not because I need a meal, but that I wish to show
Mi poquito de respeto por tan principal sujeto."
"Tan afable y discreto Padre I am glad to know:
You are welcome, father," said I; "my repast, you see is ready,
So, if you will bless the bread, I gladly will the half resign."
Thus we sat, some white wine sipping, and the pan bendito dipping
in the unctuous beans and dripping, till I said, "O! Padre mine,
Prithee tell me sin enganos why your old ciudadanos
Twixt two large and fierce volcanoes chose to build this lordly town?[2]
Uno d'agua rebienta; un con llamas atormenta
El Pueblo; both have sent a raging torrent rolling down."
"Ah! amigo muy amado!" said the Padre; "ALVARADO
Este lugar mas dichado chose betwixt each fatal spout,
Thinking that whene'er they brought or floods of fire or streams of water
On the town from either quarter, one would put the other out."
Then I said, "I've heard men say a town entitled Iximaya,
Never seen by white man, lay a few leagues off behind the hills.
Is it true, Sir?" Said the Padre, "Por los ojos de mi madre,
Vino con los contos cuadre! Talking, dry-lipped, nothing skills.
Bring us, quick, some Ratafia and cigars, DOLORES mia;
Manana sera otro dia; all to-night we'll merry be.
Yo estaba un chiquito (here he took a cigarrito)
Algo de lo pastorcito, when its walls I chanced to see:
'Twas from yonder high Sierra's cloud-encircled summit; where a
Vagabunda negra perra, which I loved, had gone astray,
Sus esplandientes tejas, blancas como mis ovejas,
I could see and count the rejas, tho' 'twas twenty leagues away."

Struck by what the priest related, for a while I meditated
How to find if what he stated were the very truth, or no.
Then I said, "You live so near it, that methinks 'tis somewhat queer it
Is not better known down here." "It, Senor," said he, "is not so!
Por, sus gallos y gallinas, envueltos en basquinas
Viven en profundas minas, lest they should be heard to crow."
Slily to DOLORES winking, straight I left the Padre drinking,
And departed quickly, thinking, "I will make a journey there."
Soon I paid the Mesonero; sought me out an Arriero,
Asked the road, and hired a pair o' steady mules and paid the fare.
Dificil y peregrino se mostraba el camino;
Nunca Mulatero vino on that lonely road before;
Por las selvas mas obscuras, y profundas espesuras,
Where the jaguar would be sure, as we appeared, to give a roar,
Por los montes y fuentes, y arroyas sin puentes,
Where the alligator spent his leisure hours, on we bore;
Till the Mulatero dying, I was forced to leave him, lying
On the mountain after trying circulation to restore.
Then for want of preparation for my novel situation
I was threatened with starvation; ate the very clothes I wore;
Comi yo de las albardas por el tanto Sol asadas;
Cene de las almohadas sodden in the streams I past;
Till one day, desalinado, flaco, manco, fatigado,
I attained (A! desdichado!) Iximaya's walls at last.

Ricos hombres, bellas damas, que con frescas verdes ramas
Gobernaron blancas llamas, came to meet me at the gate,
En su lengua me hablaron, y mi garbo alabaron,
(Though I must have looked a rare one) led me in, in wondrous state:
Took me to the Casa Real, where the King and Queen at tea, all
Joyful any white to see, allowed me there to stop and sup.
Quando dormir partiamos, El Rey dijo, "Te amamos
Antesque al lecho vamos, let us take a parting cup!"
Early the ensuing morning, I my person was adorning,
When without the slightest warning, some one came into my room.
Su semblante presumido, y su limpio vestido
Con toallas guarnecido, made me for a while presume
'Twas the barber come to shave me, curl, shampoo, perfume, and lave me;
But an awful turn it gave me, when I saw he had a knife.
Thought I, "If it's not the barber, peor esta que estaba,
Some designs they sure must harbour 'gainst my sad unhappy life,"
Hombres de colossal talle metieron me en calle,
Saying to each other, "Shall he cheat the sun and stars and moon?
No! but at the rich and costly shrine of HUETZILOPOZTLI
(That's the god they worship mostly) he shall be a victim soon."
Y llevaron me eutonces to the temple, for the dunces
Didn't know that more than once his life the stranger tried to beg.
But a condor o'er me flying, just as I was sadly lying
On the sacrificial stone and crying, let me catch him by the leg.
One priest held me by the paletot, but the condor soared in alto
Aire with me till, por falto de fuerzas, down he fell,
And I woke in the posada, where my reverend camarada
At the self-same almohada I was holding tugged as well.
So if you should hear one day a little more of Iximaya,
In the speaker's ear just say a single verse of CALDERON,
"In this world, so full of seeming, all the sons of men live dreaming;
That their dreams are true still deeming. '_Y suenos suenos son._'"

"SENOR PUNCH, &c." My good friend _Punch_, whose superabundant pluck
expels every sad annoyance, &c., &c. JUDY, whose valorous heart
disturbs her spouse, and thou, O, jocose Toby! of all other dogs,
the grand dog (for the so-called Italian prince was but a type of
thee).

"Mesonero, &c." The innkeeper considering how to win the silver of
so rich a stranger.

"Posada." An inn where you should, but cannot repose. _Lucus & non
lucendo._

"Comida." Dinner, otherwise a periphrasis for beans and dripping.

"Mi poquito, &c." My little modicum of respect for so principal a
person.

"Uno d'agua, &c." One bursts with water, the other torments the town
with flames.

"O, wondrous policy! From North to South,
Austria and France shoot in each other's mouth.

"Este lugar." This delightful residence.

"Por los ojos, &c." By the eyes of my mother wine and talking go
together.

"Manana." To-morrow will be another sort of day.

"Yo estaba, &c." I was a younker doing a little bit of the shepherd.

"Vagabunda, &c." A vagabond black female dog. "Sus, &c." Its shining
roofs, white as my sheep. "Rejas." Windows.

"Por los gallos, &e." For the cocks and hens, with their heads
wrapped in cloaks, live in cellars.

"Dificil, &c." The road proved strange and difficult. No muleteer
had travelled it before.

"Arroyas sin puentes, &c." Rivers without bridges.

"Comi, &c." I dined on the saddles cooked by the heat of the sun. I
supped upon their cushions, sodden, &c.

"Ricos hombres, &c." Noblemen and beautiful ladies, who guided
milk-white llamas with fresh green boughs.

"Quando, &c." When we were going to bed the King said, "We love
thee," and then followed in the language of the nursery rhyme,
"Let's take a cup," said Greedy. "We'll sup before we go."

"Su semblante, &c." His conceited look and white dress garnished
with towels.

"Peor esta, &c." I am out of the frying-pan into the fire.

"Hombres, &c." Men of colossal figure put me into the street.

"Y llevaron, &c." And carried me off at once.

"Por falto, &c." For want of strength.

"Y suenos, &c." Dreams are only dreams.

[Footnote 2:] The town stands between two volcanos: one of fire, the other of water.

* * * * *

A HIT AT TWO HOUSES.

There is this difference between the great tragedian at the Olympic and the great burlesque actor at the Princess's:--That whereas MR. ROBSON elevates burlesque into tragedy, MR. CHARLES KEAN lowers tragedy into burlesque.

* * * * *

BEARISH IMPUDENCE.

The seizure of the Principalities by the Russian bear was an act of aggression which must be allowed to be unblushingly bear-faced.

* * * * *

PITY.--We have a great pity for a man who is ruining himself, but very little for the man who is ruined.

* * * * *

SABBATARIAN TEMPERANCE MEETING AT GLASGOW.

A Numerous and highly influenced meeting took place last evening at Glasgow, to protest against the proposed opening of the Crystal Palace on Sundays, as being likely to lead to that of other instructive exhibitions, tending to seduce the people from the spirituous observance of the Sabbath.

It is notorious that the sobriety of Scotland, generally, is particularly exemplified in the statistics of drunkenness at Glasgow. The assembly of Sabbatarians was held in the building appropriately denominated the National Temperance Hall. There were about a thousand persons present, though a gentleman on the platform declared that he saw twice as many.

The chair having been taken by a MR. M'GLASHAN, or GREGALACH--we could not, as he himself gave the name, make out which--the proceedings commenced with an inarticulate solemnity. The Chairman then called upon MISS SMASHER--as we understood. He meant, however, MR. MAXSWILL, deacon and drysalter, who said--Gemman-ladies--hech!--that is, mabluvbraythren--an' sesthers--'a shink a neednafashmysel' to shplain zh' objeck o' zhis meet'n. (_Hum!_) 'Su mosportant objeck. Nashligion! Nashmorality! 'Scration o' Shabbas. Zha's zh' objeck--to preven' 'scration o' Shabbas (_Hum-um-m-m-m!_) Joost that. 'A shay, to preven' 'scration o' Shabbas. By op'nin' Crishlpalaceashunday. Na' ca' zhat 'scration o' Shabbas? Na' 'scration o' Shabbas?--then sh'like to ken wast ish. Not a Scosh quesh'n? Zha's an unco lee! Mosportant Scosh quesh'n. Joost your neebor's biggin in a low!--zha's a'. Infecsh'n spread like wildfire and brimson. Scotland catch't o' England (_Hech! hech! and laughter_). Open Crishpalace--open Brismusheum neist--open Nashgallery--open a' siccan places--enst'tutes--hawsoscience--aiblins leebraries--whilk is waur. Gar sinfuwretches taktobuiks! Sh' prospeck's awfu'! Hop a' shall nev' livetosee sic bocksli'nes i' Scotlum. Scosh a mol people. A molpeople an' ar'leegious people. 'Stroy 'leegion shap zh' varra base o' morality. 'Mortal BURNS (_Cheers_)--Cotter's Saturday Night (_Immense applause_) Eh? But open Crishpalace a Sun'ay and whosh's become o' Cotter's Sunday morrin'? Cotter's a' richt noo a Sun' mor'n. A'richt! Gin not at kirk--seekin' speeritchal cons'lation elsewhar. (_Hech, hech! hum-um-m-m!_) Takkin's nappie over his wee drappie in's ainhameithinglenook. Bet' be dune zhat zhan glowrin at peckturs, an' stotchies, an' stuff'dbirdies an' beasties, forbye lezzardancrawcadil deevles--objecks o' nashistory an' artanshiensh, an' ither warks o' darkness--o'zh Shabb's. Scollan ev' tollate sush 'scration o' Shabbash as zhash? (_Never, never!_) Weelzhen!--mush lay protest at zh' foot o' shrone. Temp'rate and 'shpeckful protesh!--mush be temp'rate and shpeckful! But firmansteady. An' plain--not be mishunstood. Joost as 'a stan' the noo o' mahurdies--joost as 'a shpeak--zh' firm and speckf'l temp't anshteady pro'st o' zh shober 'nabitantsh a Glassgie gains 'scration o' Shabbas. (_Tremendous cheers._)

The speaker then proceeded to move a resolution, but found unfortunately that he could not see to read it. He was followed in speeches of a character similar to the above, by BAILLIE M'BREE, MR. SOTTIE M'QUAIGH, MR. PINTSTOUPIE, MR. WILLIEWAUCHT, and the REV. MR. TODDIEWHOSKIE. "_We are na fou'_" was then sung, and the meeting separated at a late hour in a state of excitement bordering on _delirium tremens_.

(_Founded upon a Popular Song._)

"WELL, FRANK! THIS DELIGHTFUL CAMP IS NEARLY OVER."

"HM, HAW! YA-AS! AND IF YOU'LL ALLOW ME, I'LL TAKE A LAST FOND LOOK, AND A--A--LEAN UPON MY WHAT DY'E CALL IT, AS THE SONG SAYS, AND A--WIPE AWAY A TE--AR!"]

* * * * *

THE BOUNCE OF A PISTOL.

SIR J. V. SHELLEY reads a circular in the House of Commons summoning certain members to attend on a certain occasion for a certain party purpose. The document bears the signature of C. H. FREWEN. It is couched in a spirit of low cunning, and tends to reflect great discredit on its author.

MR. C. H. FREWEN writes to SIR J. V. SHELLEY, demanding to know from whom he had received this circular; a private letter presumably given to him in breach of confidence.

SIR J. V. SHELLEY replies that the circular was a printed document, and therefore not entitled to be considered private. Whereupon MR. C. H. FREWEN (who dates his letters from Cold Overton Hall) replies that, no matter for that, or in whatever way he got possessed of it, the man who would read such a letter in such a way

"Can have no pretensions to call himself a gentleman."

But stay. We do not say that all this is true. We only say that it has appeared in the _Times_. For aught we know, the _Times_ may be a facetious contemporary, cracking jokes on the head of MR. FREWEN, as if it were a thick one. We do not mean to say that MR. FREWEN made such an ass of himself, as he did make, if his correspondence, as printed in the _Times_, is genuine. But, however, SIR J. V. SHELLEY--always according to the _Times_, mind--rejoins by desiring of MR. FREWEN that the whole of the correspondence should be published, as the first letter had been, and declining to answer any more letters. And then:--

"MR. FREWEN returns this letter unopened. SIR J. SHELLY ought to be
aware that MR. FREWEN cannot receive any more communications from
him except through another person."

What does MR. FREWEN mean by this?--if the nonsense is his really? Surely not the old bluster, the obsolete bullying trick; Chalk Farm, pistols and coffee for two, with cock pheasant also if required for the satisfaction of a gentleman desiring a bellyfull for breakfast. Not an invitation to fight a duel; that ridiculous anachronism; the necessary consequence of which in these days, to the principal fools concerned in it, each of them, must be getting either shot, or imprisoned, or laughed at; most probably the latter. Shot by the other fool; imprisoned--if not hanged--for shooting him; or laughed at for neither having shot him nor been shot by him; but probably having simply exchanged with him a blank pop! If MR. FREWEN has indeed been such a booby as it appears in the _Times_ that he has, _Mr. Punch_ can only say that he would recommend him to change the designation of Cold Overton to that of Clod Hall, and to assume the name, together with the arms, of _Bob Acres_.

* * * * *

HOMOEOPATHY SUPERSEDED.

Here is a gross libel or a fine satire:--

EXTRAORDINARY ANTI-SURGICAL OPERATION. THE USE OF THE KNIFE UNNECESSARY.

MR. R. L----, MEDICAL HERBALIST, 15, I---- STREET, ROXBURGH TERRACE,
begs respectfully to intimate, that as a great many Persons have
been very desirous to see the Serpent which he extracted alive
lately from the breast of a lady labouring under Cancer, he will be
most happy to show it to those interested, any day from 10 to 12
o'clock, at his house, 15, I---- Street.

_Edinburgh, 12th August, 1853._

This is either a libel upon somebody or other, glanced at under the figure of the Serpent: or it is a satire on the gullibility of the inhabitants of Edinburgh, from the _News_ of which city it is extracted. The modern Athenians, with all their acuteness, are said to be rather susceptible subjects for quackery.

* * * * *

IMAGINARY PLAY-BILL.

We observe that at one of the Metropolitan theatres an endeavour has been made to dramatise _The Times_. We admit some curiosity to know in what way the leading journal has been adapted to the purposes of the Stage. During this hot weather it is of course impossible for us to visit the theatre; but in the mean time we have drawn upon our melodramatic reminiscences, and have sketched what we suppose must be the playbill of _The Times_. We are, however, open to conviction, should our anticipations have been inadequate.