Chapter XXVII: Letter XLIII (7)

He may summon his friends to swill turtle,
And gulp ven'son, like pigs in a stye;--
Line the Mansion House staircase with myrtle
And laurel--the Sphynx can tell why;--
He may bow to the Bench of Exchequer,
Have Ministers sit at his board;--
Civic barges no farther from wreck are,
GOG and MAGOG no less shall be floored.

The hands that prepare your ovation,
My dear PRINCE, ought at least to be clean;
Not the hands of a doomed Corporation,
Fouled with all that is venal and mean:
There's the smut of the poor man's coals there,
Whereof tithe they've unrighteously taken;
There's the flour of the poor man's rolls there,
And the grease of the poor man's bacon.

Then silence your civic applauders,
Lest better men cease from applause
He who tribute accepts of marauders,
Is held to be pledged to their cause.
Let no Corporate magnates of London
An honour presume to award:
Their own needs, till ill-doings be undone,
Little honour to spare can afford!

* * * * *

POSTAL ECONOMY AT GLASGOW.

Scotchmen are famous for their economical disposition. Here is a remarkable instance of Scotch economy:--

"LETTER CARRIERS--AN APPEAL.

"_To the Editor of the Glasgow Herald._

"DEAR SIR,--We feel, with you, indignant at the scurvy treatment we
have received at the hands of the London authorities, in reference
to our Post Office, and think we ought to take the matter in the
meantime in our own hands, so far as concerns the _Carriers_.

"We all confess they are badly paid, and a highly deserving class of
public servants. We therefore propose to all the merchants in this
district to co-operate with us and form a committee, to give a
practical expression to our feelings for the men, by raising a fund
to give them at least 4_s._ per week extra to their present low
salaries, and a suit of comfortable uniform.

"We calculate that a very small weekly sum from a tenth part of the
merchants here would place the men for one year in a comfortable
position, and be the means more fully of calling public attention
and indignation to the subject.

"If the above scheme succeeds in this district, it might be extended
to others.

"We shall be glad to receive communications on this proposal, and
shall consider ourselves richly paid for any trouble we have taken
in the matter, if it be the means of placing the _Letter Carriers_
in comparative comfort.

"We are, dear Sir, yours very truly,

"WILSON & MATHESON, 58, Candleriggs."

It is much cheaper for a merchant to contribute a small weekly sum towards giving his letter carrier a proper salary, than it is to be out of pocket through having letters of importance, some containing remittances, mislaid or stolen, because the man is not paid enough to induce a competent and honest person to undertake the situation.

This example of Scotch prudence, therefore, is one that deserves to be followed by the generous commercial public, indeed by the public at large, of England: if HER MAJESTY'S upper servants at Downing Street cannot be induced to allot a fair proportion of wages to HER MAJESTY'S under servants in connexion with St. Martin's-le-Grand.

But it would really be almost a saving if the Government were to give the postmen a reasonable hire. When MERCURY the messenger turns MERCURY the thief, and, tempted by want, steals half-a-sovereign, marked by MR. SCULTHORPE, out of the letter he is intrusted with, getting himself, by that act, into the dock at the Assizes, and thence into penal servitude, he costs the country, from first to last, more than would have sufficed to maintain several honest MERCURIES during the same time in blue and scarlet and respectability.

That the proposal, alike judicious and handsome, for making up for Government's stinginess to the letter carriers by private liberality, should have emanated from MESSRS. WILSON AND MATHESON of Glasgow, is a fact that adds a feather to the cap of Scotland, and if acted upon by their countrymen, will render it impossible any longer to withhold the position on the Royal Standard, which is claimed by that sagacious and noble animal the Scottish Lion.

* * * * *

THE POST-OFFICE DIRECTORY.

The companion volume to the above elegant publication is the "_Almanach des 25,000 Addresses_," published at Paris. We do not know who is the Editor of that interesting volume, in which may be found some of the greatest names in French literature and science, but we should say that no one would be better qualified for the task than the BRITISH DRAMA, as no one, as our stage can testify, can possibly be acquainted with a greater number of _French cribs_.

* * * * *

THE CZAR'S ITERATION.

The EMPEROR OF RUSSIA'S lying manifesto concludes with a quotation from a Psalm. This is only fresh proof that old NICHOLAS can quote Scripture for his purpose.

* * * * *

THE MOST CURIOUS THING.--A woman not being curious!

* * * * *

CURE FOR SMOKY CHILDREN

"MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,

"My son HENRY--who promised to be such a good young man--has, I am sorry to say, acquired that _nasty dirty_ habit of smoking tobacco, in which he indulges from morning till night: such a pity at his time of life! for he is not of age yet. In the _Times_ the other day I saw a letter about the Smoke Nuisance, proposing to cure it by 'very frequent feeding in small quantities, and a reward for no smoke.' Do you think, now, it would be possible to break HENRY of smoking by continually tempting him with little bits of something very nice to eat?--the worst of it is that filthy practice has quite spoiled his taste for cake and tart. Reward for no smoke I have offered in vain. I should be _so_ much obliged to you, _Mr. Punch_, if you _could_ suggest any plan by which I could manage to wean my child from his cigars by frequent feeding in small quantities; indeed, indeed, it would be quite a charity to

"A MOTHER."

*** The frequent feeding in small quantities might, in all probability, be accomplished easily enough. An occasional kidney--if devilled, so much the better; a broiled bone now and then; from time to time a sausage; an anchovy toast after dessert: later in the evening, perhaps, a poached egg, a Welsh rabbit, or a few scalloped oysters: these and similar delicacies substituted for pastry, would most likely very much simplify the difficulty of getting HENRY to take small quantities of food at short intervals. But experience unfortunately proves that such a system of diet is not generally accompanied, on the part of young men, by a discontinuance of smoking; whilst it is almost always attended with an excessive consumption of malt liquor.--_Punch._

* * * * *

* * * * *

INFALLIBILITY AT KING'S COLLEGE.

The Council of King's College have dismissed PROFESSOR MAURICE from his lectureships, because those theologians disapprove of his views on a question which is left open by their common Church. The point in dispute was not settled at the first Council of Nice; but it has now been decided by a modern Council of Nice Men.

* * * * *

FAS AB HOSTE DOCERI.

A leading journal says that the CZAR, in calculating upon crushing Turkey, "reckoned without his host." Rather, we should say, he reckoned upon his host; but a few more defeats, and NICHOLAS will be driven to the solitary reckoning in question, and be unable to discharge the shot.

* * * * *

THE DEARNESS OF BREAD.--A Political Baker attributes this to the war in Turkey, for he says "it is all owing to the rise in the (y)East."

* * * * *

THE LAST JOB FOR THE CITY.--Having tolled every thing else that they can the civic body have now only to toll their own knell.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PLAIN FARE AT THE PALACE.

The _Court Circular_ informed us the other day that "there was no addition to the Royal dinner yesterday." We should not have had the impertinence to speculate on the bill of fare at the Palace, had we not been, as it were, invited to the subject by the Court Newsman, who tells us that there was "no addition to the Royal dinner." We can only compliment those who have the arrangement of the Palace provisions on their frugality, which in these days of dear provisions is a virtue that all housekeepers would do well to imitate.

If there was "no addition to the Royal dinner," it is clear that the Royal Family must, on the day in question, have been eating cold--or at most hashed--the "joint" of the day previous. We confess we do not like the idea of the younger branches being deprived of any of those little luxuries so dear to juvenile as well as to "other lips and other hearts;" and, therefore, in the event of any future announcement of "no addition to the Royal dinner," we should be glad to read the extra intimation "_but_ there was a pudding in the nursery."

* * * * *

THE PRICE OF COALS ACCOUNTED FOR.

It is usual with small tradesmen to increase the weight of coals by sprinkling cold water upon them; but in the City the reason why coals come so heavy is owing to the _City dews_ falling upon them for twenty miles round London. When these dews are collected, it is found that the difference, which, of course, weighs upon the price, amounts, in the course of the year, to many hundred thousands of pounds!

* * * * *

WHERE ARE THE RUSSIANS?

What has become of the Russians, of whom 80,000 were said to have passed the Pruth, while 24,000 is the greatest number that has been yet accounted for. People are beginning to suspect that the Russian Army in the Principalities is like the Russian Army at ASTLEY'S having a considerable force behind some imaginary hills, and running round and round by the back of the stage to give an appearance of numbers. We all know that theatrical population progresses more rapidly than any other kind of population; and if our census shows that we double ourselves in fourteen years, a dramatic census will show that a theatrical population--if well marshalled by the stage manager--will double itself in less than five minutes. These considerations, however, do not help us in our difficulty, when we ask what has become of some 40,000 or 50,000 Russians that are wholly unaccounted for? We may be told in the usual loose phraseology of the chronology of war that they have been "cut to pieces." But before we can believe this dreadful assertion, we have a right to demand the production of at least the "bits" into which the Russians have either been smashed, chopped or beaten. Perhaps the most plausible way of accounting for the slaughter of the thousands of Russians whose remains are nowhere to be found is by the very natural supposition that they were but giants of the imagination, manufactured before they were slain by some literary TOM THUMB, who is "doing the foreign correspondence" of some London journal in his lodgings at Lambeth.

* * * * *

A CUP TOO MUCH.

We understand that PRINCE ALBERT has nothing whatever to do with the movement got up by the (late) LORD MAYOR, and indeed HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS has as much distaste for the baneful cup of adulation as he has for "the poisoned CHALLIS."

* * * * *

AN ALARMING DISCOVERY.

Somebody is advertising every day an instrument warranted to "frighten but not kill" the public in general. The terrific instrument is no less than a Gong, which for 40 shillings will frighten a thief, will "appal a burglar" for 60 shillings, and for the comparatively small matter of four pounds will "alarm the country." We hope the Government will at once put a prohibitory duty on these gongs, for it will be an awful state of things if anybody may have it in his power to frighten the isle from its propriety for eighty shillings. Unless something is immediately done to check the danger that threatens us, there is no doubt that "Bang goes the Gong" will become as great a nuisance as "Pop goes the Weasel."

* * * * *

TURTLE IN ECSTASIES.

Accounts from Honduras represent the turtle in the Bay as exhibiting symptoms of extraordinary excitement; flapping their fins, paddling about with unwonted rapidity, lifting themselves on end and dancing and jumping out of the water; in short, realising the most vivid idea of lively turtle. These symptoms of hilarity among the furnishers of green fat have been referred to the anticipation of the extinction of the City of London Corporation, and consequent discontinuance of the LORD MAYOR'S dinners.

* * * * *

THE GORTSCHAKOFF JACKET.

The uniform of PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF has not been described. We believe the principal article of it is a "cut-away."

* * * * *

PROTECTION FOR THE SLOE.

Everybody is for reducing the duty on French wines, except certain wine-merchants. As importers, the interests of those gentlemen could hardly be affected by the reduction; but perhaps they do not look on port and import as exactly the same thing.

* * * * *

THE OLDEST ANCHORITE.--Hope.

* * * * *

* * * * *

REMARKABLE TRIBUTE OF SIDEREAL APPROBATION TO MR. HIND.

Our old Friend MR. HIND having introduced another new planet (the ninth discovered by him) to the notice of mortals, the announcement was received by all the sidereal bodies with the greatest satisfaction, and indeed so greatly increased the perturbations under which some of them habitually labour, that ZADKIEL has been compelled to publish a supplement to his Almanack, and to predict the arrival of the Greek kalends, the destruction of the Thames by fire, and, simultaneously with these events, the extinction of _Punch_. SATURN, in particular, who considers that the calumnious report of his having devoured his own children had its origin in our ignorance of the existence of those children, as a group of asteroids between MARS and JUPITER, and who is consequently delighted whenever by the discovery of such asteroids his character is cleared, was so overcome with joy, that no child born during the past week will ever be injured in after life by this generally malignant planet.

Many of the stars, moreover, feeling that something was due to MR. HIND for his persevering efforts on their behalf, resolved to call a public meeting to consider the best means of expressing their gratitude. The PLEIADES, as occupying the centre of the universe, kindly offered their rooms for the purpose; and MEROPE, whose marriage with a mortal caused her to lose half her brightness, and brought upon her frequent snubbings from her sisters, brightened up again on perceiving that her haughty relatives were disposed to patronise one of her husband's race. The meeting was numerously attended, but excuses were received from some of the more distant stars, who alleged that if they travelled at the rate of 12,000,000 of miles per minute they could not arrive until 4,000 years after the meeting had broken up. The GREAT BEAR pleaded illness as an excuse for non-attendance; and it was whispered that mortification at the ill success of PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF had brought on a fit of the gout. Many of the NEBULAE arrived from a great distance, and were accommodated with seats in the Strangers Gallery; but we regretted to observe that their uncouth forms laid them open to the silly remarks of CAPRICORN, who certainly cannot boast of his own personal attractions, and of JUPITER'S satellites, who, though they are bound to amuse their master, should have known better than to insult foreigners. In the Reporters' Gallery the GEMINI attended for the _Herald_ and _Standard_, but could only muster one pen between them; TAURUS appeared for the Conservative weeklies, and SIRIUS (TOBY is _en rapport_ with Sirius, and always howls when he sees him,) kindly undertook to report for _Punch_.

After an absurd attempt on the part of a clique to thrust the sun of our system into the chair, ALCYONE, who is at present the centre of gravity round which the whole universe revolves, was selected for that important office, and immediately called upon "her excellent friend MERCURY," for the first and only resolution. The _facundus nepos_ ATLANTIS thus adjured, in a speech replete with eloquence, moved, "That this meeting, viewing with extreme displeasure the practice of associating the newly discovered sidereal bodies with the names of persons who have had no share in the discovery, proposes to call the nine planets, discovered by MR. HIND, by the common name of HIND'S Night Lights, as a small mark of the grateful feelings entertained for that astronomer throughout the sidereal system." This resolution, having been briefly seconded by ALDEBARAN, was put and carried unanimously; and, after the customary vote of thanks to ALCYONE, the stars returned to their orbits; but not until the nine planets aforesaid, who, dressed in white, had been seated in a row on the platform, had induced POLLUX to take round a castor, and make a collection for their support. We ought also to state that the well-known MUSIC OF THE SPHERES was in attendance, and gave great satisfaction by its performance of "_Vaga Luna_," "_Oft in the Stilly Night_," "_Rise Gentle Moon_," and other airs set for "Voices of the Night." When MERCURY alluded to the disappearance of two stars from the constellations--HERCULES and LYRA--these celestial voices sang "_The Light of Other Days_" with much taste. Indeed, the taste for singing which SHAKSPERE ascribed to the stars is in no way diminished, for the whole meeting, on breaking up, joined very nicely in

"We won't go home till morning
Till daylight doth appear."

* * * * *

A GREAT ANCHOVY CASE.

"BURGESS AND SON," whose name will go down to posterity in a cruet-stand, have lately been throwing their fish-sauce into Chancery, and an equity judge has been discussing the essence of anchovies with a _gusto_ quite remarkable. The barristers engaged in the matter have doubtless verified the fact, that little fish are sweet, for the anchovies have of course yielded some pretty little fees to pretty little juniors. MESSRS. CAMPBELL and MOORE were on one side, while MR. BACON and MR. NELSON represented the anchovies on the other side, and counsel pushed about the anchovy bottle from the Court below to the Court above, with a determination to bring the sauce of Burgess to the very fountain of equity. The great anchovy case has been already before the Vice Chancellor and the Lords Justices, but whether the parties will carry their "sauce" up to the Lords is at present dependent probably on how they may be "advised" by learned counsel to go on expending money in litigation, or "if not why not," or "how otherwise."

* * * * *

DANUBIAN HOMICIDE.

Hosts on the Danube's banks are felled
To please one man's ambitious whim;
And yet there is no inquest held,
No Hue-and-Cry raised after him.

His likeness, true, the shops expose;
His hair, his eyes, are in the News,
And every Constant Reader knows
How high he stands without his shoes.

But how he sleeps, of what partakes,
In food and drink, from day to day,
What casual remarks he makes,
The newspapers omit to say.

We know that he persists in lies
Of quite an inconsistent kind.
But not that any chaplain tries
To rectify his frame of mind.

For wholesale murder does not meet
The doom that waits the single crime,
The exaltation in the street,
The carrion-crows, or grave of lime.

The head with an Imperial crown
To deck its slant or flattened top,
Will never, DONOVAN, come down
Among its fellows in thy shop.

Where, in King William Street, the Strand,
Thy window shows to public view
The culprits of the red right hand,
Whom hemp and MR. CALCRAFT slew.

BISHOP and WILLIAMS, BURKE and HARE,
COURVOISIER--that fiend in plush--
At whom the people come to stare,
With THURTELL, GREENACRE, and RUSH.

* * * * *

CAUTIOUS OVERMUCH.

A gentleman named BODDY appears, from the police reports of last week, to have very properly rescued his daughter (a silly young lady who left her own for a "Servant's Home") from the clutches of the Papist perverters who are so constantly busied in destroying the happiness of families. The magistrate seems to have doubted his power, but could he not have dealt with the reverend revivalists as Boddy-snatchers? Surely a surplus letter ought not to have prevented the precise punishment the culprits deserved.

* * * * *

A CALICO CALEMBOURG.

_Mr. Cobden._ Why are the selfish agitators among the operatives like the works of a clock out of order?

_Mr. Bright._ Because they insist upon striking, without regard to the position of the hands.

_Mr. Cobden._ You are quite right, my dear BRIGHT.

* * * * *

_Time._--MIDNIGHT.

_Timid Swell (loq)._ "TAKE MY MONEY, TAKE MY WATCH, TAKE EVEWYTHING; BUT PWAY SPARE _MY COLLARS_!"]

* * * * *

DIDDLESEX SESSIONS.

(_Before_ MR. SERJEANT EVES, _Assistant-Judge_.)

JOSEPH GUBBINS, _alias_ CRABB, _alias_ BLOOMFIELD, _alias_ the _Grinner_, was charged with stealing a pewter pot, value one shilling, from the rails of a house in Millbank Street. MR. SLASHER prosecuted, and MR. CRASHER defended the prisoner. The case was distinctly proved.

_The Judge._ Now, JOE, have you anything to say?

MR. CRASHER objected to the prisoner being addressed as JOE. He firmly believed, upon his sacred honour, that such a misdescription vitiated the whole proceedings. At all events he called on the Judge to take a note of the point.

_The Judge._ I shan't. Stuff and nonsense. The objection is not worth twopence.

_Mr. Crasher._ It's worth fourpence at least, but it is quite in keeping with all that goes on here that a Judge should not know the value of a Joe.

_The Judge._ That's slang, and though a Counsel ought to be slangy, a Judge ought not.

_Mr. Crasher._ I am quite prepared to hear the independence of the Bar assailed, and the freedom of speech, which every authority from HELIOGABALUS down to BLACKSTONE declares the right of an advocate, stigmatized as slang. But it will not prevent my doing my duty.

_The Judge._ Do your duty. Who stops you? Do your duty. Who's HELIOGABALUS, and what's HELIOGABALUS to do with JOSEPH GUBBINS? This is the way the time of the Court is wasted.

_Mr. Crasher._ As the Court concedes the point, and calls the prisoner by his name, I shall not pursue the argument.

_The Judge._ You may do as you like.

_Mr. Crasher._ I know I may.

_The Judge._ I'm glad you know it.

_Mr. Crasher._ I'm glad you are pleased.

_The Judge._ Very well.

_Mr. Crasher._ Very well.

_The Judge._ JOSEPH GUBBINS, you have been very properly found guilty of stealing a pot--I mean you will be in a moment--eh gentlemen? (_Jury nod._) Of course. You have been found guilty of stealing a pot. Now pot-stealing is a crime which is injurious to the public weal---

_Mr. Slasher._ And public-house.

_The Judge._ Ha! ha! very good. I laugh, you see, MR. CRASHER, to show that I am undisturbed in my temper.

_Mr. Crasher._ I have no objection, Sir, to your laughing at my learned friend, in fact I do so myself ten times a day.

_Mr. Slasher._ "All fools have still an itching to deride."

_Mr. Crasher._ If the Court stands that, of course I can.

_Mr. Slasher._ The Court is sitting.

_Mr. Crasher._ Is it?

_Mr. Slasher._ Of course it is.

_Mr. Crasher._ Ah!

_Mr. Slasher._ Ah too, if you come to that.

[_The Judge joins in the repartees, which are protracted so long that_
MR. GUBBINS _takes off his shoe, and swears that unless his sentence is
passed he will "shy it" (to use his objectionable expression) "at the
old un's nob." He is condemned to three months' imprisonment, and the
next case is called._]

* * * * *

THE PRICE OF A LORD MAYOR'S GOWN.

Every "family man" will appreciate the annoyance of being called on frequently for "a new gown;" but the most expensive milliner's bill would be a mere song--to a moderate tune--compared with the cost of a "new gown" for the LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. In the evidence before the City Corporation Commission we find it stated by MR. ACLAND, that

"There is an amount of seven guineas paid for a violet gown for the
LORD MAYOR. In another instance there is an item of L17 for the LORD
MAYOR'S silk violet gown. On the occasion of the DUKE OF
WELLINGTON'S funeral, there is a sum of L72 for the LORD MAYOR'S
silk gown."

We cannot pretend to understand either the necessity for such an extensive stock of gowns as the LORD MAYOR seems to possess, or for such a frightful fluctuation in the price of one and the same article. We know of no system of arithmetic or rule of three by which we are to get a solution of the question: "If a LORD MAYOR'S gown cost L7 at one time, and L17 at another time, why is it to cost L72 at a subsequent period?" We can only say that _as_ L7 _is not to_ L17, _so cannot be_ L72 by any rule or principle whatever.

* * * * *

THE CLEVER CLOWN NUISANCE.

Some very pleasing horsemanship at Drury Lane is being marred by some very obnoxious assmanship on the part of sundry clowns engaged, we suppose, for the purpose of marking the contrast between the stupidity of bipeds, and the sagacity of quadrupeds. We have no objection to the old Astleyan Clown, who is continually wanting to know what he shall "go for to fetch for to bring for to carry," but we must protest against the modern school of buffoons who, under the ambitious title of "SHAKSPERIAN jesters," or some other pseudonyme, inflict their dull platitudes on an impatient audience. Directly a clown becomes too fat to tumble, or too stupid to play the fool in the ordinary way, he adopts the name of "SHAKSPERIAN" and bores the public with long lectures, which he fancies may be received as instructive, because they happen to be the very opposite of entertaining--just as if a man ceasing to be an amusing fool must of necessity become a philosopher.

The "clown to the ring" is, in fact, becoming a perfect nuisance: and we only wonder that the horses do not become low-spirited by contrast with those dreadfully dull dogs who wear the motley. It would be quite refreshing to meet with a good old conventional clown of former times, who would not be above asking WIDDICOMB "if his (WIDDICOMB'S) mother is aware of his (WIDDICOMB'S) absence from home;" or making any other of those rare old imbecile remarks which used to set us in a roar in our days of infancy. A philosophic clown to the ring is, in fact, an anomaly; for every one admits the idle absurdity of "Reasoning in a Circle."

* * * * *

A GOOD GROUND FOR A BAD JOKE.--Why is a lodging on the ground floor a degradation? Because it's a-basement!

* * * * *

AN ALBANY FOR THE MILLION.

To the health of towns, moral and physical, it is universally agreed, that one indispensable condition is the abolition of Slums. But then what is to become of the Slummites? The low neighborhoods may be done away with, but there is no doing away with the low neighbours; who cannot be disposed of by fire and water and poison, along with the bugs and rats and other vermin that run upon four, or more, legs. Besides, in spite of all appearances to the contrary, it is certain that they are human beings; so that we cannot, consistently either with Christianity or common law, get rid of them exactly as if they were black beetles. And if routed out of their courts and alleys, they will crawl or lie about the streets, or, making themselves still more unpleasant, die under our noses.

It therefore becomes necessary to provide them with proper abodes. Suburban kennels and pigsties will not do, as it is necessary that they should reside near enough to their work. Model Lodging Houses, therefore, well supplied with water, and arranged in all other respects with reference to the prevention of effluvia, have been suggested instead, as intramural habitations for the inferior classes. To these the only objection is their name.

The gentlemen who inhabit a certain double row of buildings contiguous to and parallel with the Burlington Arcade would be, most of them, disgusted, if those edifices were spoken of as Model Lodging Houses.

But there is good reason to believe that not only have the lower classes the same number of members--in an anatomical if not in a parliamentary sense--as the higher, but that they are really endowed with essentially even the same passions and feelings. Among other sentiments it has been ascertained that they possess those of pride and vanity, which are not only exasperated by scorn and contumely--as when they are called the scum of the earth, the riff-raff, and the rabble--but also by contemptuous patronage: by all sorts of badges, whether metallic or verbal. There is something of the latter sort of badge in the term "Model Lodging Houses." The expression is low; suggests an invidious distinction of caste: a state of degradation descending almost to pauperism.

To meet this objection it is proposed to erect a building containing little suites of small apartments, adapted to the requirements and circumstances of the poorer portion of the people, to be called "The Industrious Albany;" industrious for the sake of distinction; or, if a more explanatory title shall be preferred, "Cheap Chambers." Ventilation and Warmth combined with Comfort and Cleanliness are to preside over the interior arrangements, and the external proportions are to be regulated by architectural taste, whilst the rent will be fixed at the most economical figure. Investments of capital in this promising speculation, to any amount, may be paid into the Office, 85, Fleet Street.

* * * * *

TO THE PRESS GENERALLY.

The EMPEROR NICHOLAS wishes an _erratum_ corrected in the next edition of our dictionaries. He begs to say that he has discovered that an Ottoman is _not_ a thing upon which you easily and comfortably place your foot.

* * * * *

PROGRESS OF SCIENCE.--A Scientific Hair-dresser at the West-End is about to favour the ladies with the discovery of a wonderful new Pommade, which, he guarantees, "will prevent the bonnet falling off the head."

* * * * *

"THE UPHOLSTERER TO THE MONUMENT."

We see, in the reports of the City Commission, that there is a situation with the above singular title. We wonder, in the name of everything that's wonderful, what are the duties of this curious functionary? What is there to hang, excepting the birdcage with the dingy canary, belonging to the porter, at the entrance door? There may be a few play-bills, also, and some steamboat placards; does "the Upholsterer" go every morning to hang these outside the railings? What is the furniture that is inside the Monument? and where is it stowed away? Or is the "Upholsterer" engaged to keep the flutes of the columns clean? Or is it his particular duty to rub up the Panorama of London that is viewed from its summit? There is no other picture that we are acquainted with, belonging to the Monument, excepting the picture of London's busy traffic across London Bridge, and surely this is a picture beyond the "Upholsterer's" reach? One would imagine from the fact of the Monument having an "Upholsterer," that there were chairs, tables, four-post bedsteads, curtains, and a regular houseful of furniture locked up inside it. We shall pay a visit to the Monument the first fine day there is no fog, and bring away with us an inventory of the furniture. In the meantime, we should like to be informed of the amount of salary of this "Upholsterer," who has to look after a place that contains no Upholstery.

* * * * *

PERSPICUITY OF RED TAPE.

In reply to a request for information where to get the Blue Books which are granted to Mechanics' Institutions, "A PROVINCIAL SECRETARY," writing to the _Times_, says that he received the following official directions; that is to say, he was told

"To make application at the proper season to the clerk of the
committee, to be appointed pursuant to the report of the House of
Commons on Parliamentary papers, ordered to be printed on the 7th of
July last."

This the "PROVINCIAL SECRETARY" wants translated for the benefit of himself and other country gentlemen. The passage may be construed thus:--

At certain times of the year, and between certain hours, which will be appointed hereafter but are not fixed yet, apply to somebody who will perhaps be the clerk of a committee which does not at present exist but will, one of these days, in conformity with a report of the House of Commons on Parliamentary Papers, which was ordered to be printed on the 7th of July last, be constituted, if that report shall ever be acted on.

The translation is rather longer than the original; but if brevity is required to be the soul of official advice, the answer might simply have been "Arrangements have not been made," to which, if any further explanation were necessary, might have been added, "And when they will be, Heaven only knows."

* * * * *

THE DIGNITY OF TRADE.

We were going to say that the fact of a noble Lord having passed the Bankruptcy Court the other day as a horse-dealer, gives strong confirmation to the saying that we are a nation of shop-keepers. But perhaps a horse-bazaar or repository cannot be properly called a shop; and though the horse may be taken over a bar, that noble animal cannot very well be handed across a counter; thus, whatever leaps the noble lord in question may have taken, it is clear that it would be incorrect to call him a counter-jumper. His case, however, certainly tends to show that we are a highly mercantile community, since it exhibits a member of one of our principal families as a dealer in horseflesh. But the fact is, that business is practised by the aristocracy in general to a very considerable extent. Not only do some of them trade in boroughs, but also in rabbits, together with hares, pheasants, and partridges, inasmuch as they sell game. They are not ashamed of this, either: for they will converse about shooting, and not one of them ever calls on the other to sink the shop. Indeed, to sink the shop would be to sink the Island, and swamp the whole concern conducted by ABERDEEN and CO.

* * * * *

"SALAD FOR THE SOLITARY."

We see there is a book advertised under the above curious title. We can hardly make out what it can be, but should say at random, that the translation of it into plain English must be as follows:--SALAD FOR THE SOLITARY.--Let-us alone.

* * * * *

CONFUSION OF AUTOCRATIC NOTIONS.

NICHOLAS expressed a pious hope that he might never be confounded. By the thrashing which he has had from the Turks, we should think he must have been disappointed.

* * * * *

ST. CROSS STINGO, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS GUILDFORD DEMI X ALE.

At a time when certain parties are raising the price of their Ales, which were previously sold at rates considerably higher than such as would have been fairly remunerative, the Public, and especially pedestrian travellers, will be interested to learn that a light and wholesome BEER may be obtained upon the lowest possible terms, as it will be delivered to all applicants at the mere cost of a visit to the DEPOT, Porter's Lodge, ST. CROSS HOSPITAL. This SUPERIOR BEVERAGE is brewed from pure Malt and Hops, according to a Homoeopathic Improvement on the original Receipt handed down from the ancient Masters of ST. CROSS, and is produced in such high perfection by the present Master, the EARL OF GUILDFORD, that while the smallest quantity will suffice the most inveterate toper, the largest might be imbibed conscientiously by the strictest votary of Total Abstinence. The remarkably low charge for which this Ale is offered to the consumer is owing to the liberality of the Founders and Benefactors of the Institution; who bequeathed capital to a large amount on trust for the gratuitous supply of the genuine article to wayfarers. In Horns of Half-a-Pint each, at the rate of One Measure per Diem. To be Drunk on the Premises.

* * * * *

THE BAR AND THE LIBERTY OF THE SUBJECT.

A few days ago a case was called on in one of the "Superior" Courts, when an application was made to put it off because MR. BODKIN could not attend. One of the judges asked with very natural surprise, "Is not the man in prison?" upon which the counsel of the "man in prison" got up, and admitted such to be the fact; but added that he, the "man in prison," was his (the counsel's) client, and that he (the counsel) was perfectly willing "to accommodate MR. BODKIN." The accommodation of MR. BODKIN was, no doubt, desirable in its way; but, as the accommodation of a prison is not always agreeable, we are disposed to agree with the learned judge, who thought it rather awkward--not to say, hard upon "the man in prison" to have his case adjourned for the convenience of counsel.

We are disposed to sympathise with the unfortunate who was deprived of his liberty, not by his prison's bars, but by a portion of the Bar of England, which often proves harder and more difficult to contend against than the most inflexible iron. Nevertheless he, of course, cannot complain, as although he was shut up in a jail, his own counsel who represented him in a free and open court was "perfectly satisfied," and most anxious to "accommodate MR. BODKIN." If the accommodation could have been mutual--if, for example, the prison "accommodation" and the counsel's "accommodation" could have been in some way equalised--we might have seen more justice in the arrangement than either ourselves, or the learned judge who expressed his surprise on the occasion, have been able to discover. We must all admire the extreme spirit of accommodation that prevails among many of "the gentlemen" of the Bar who--though they bully each other's clients and witnesses, waste the money of suitors by neglecting to attend to their briefs, and even occasionally suffer the postponement of the case of an unfortunate captive--are nevertheless always ready to fraternise with their "learned friends," and make any concessions to each other, of which their clients have to bear the penalty.

* * * * *

SHALL LADIES HAVE VOTES?

"Certainly," replies a strong-minded woman of our acquaintance. "Is woman made only to sew on buttons? And if she is, you have no right to turn away the Needle from the Poll."

* * * * *

TO SEVERAL HUSBANDS AND VARIOUS FATHERS.--HOW TO MAKE HOME HAPPY.--Keep out of it.

* * * * *

THEATRICAL NOVELTIES.

In consequence of the success of _The Lancers_ at the Princess's--those same _Lancers_ being only another version of _The Discarded Son_ at the Adelphi--the following attractive novelties are in rehearsal, and will be speedily produced:--

"'THE BLOWER OF BUBBLES'--being a new translation of _The Game of
Speculation_, acted so many hundred nights at the Lyceum Theatre.
_Mercadet, or the Bubble-Blower_ (with new bubbles to be blown
expressly on this occasion), by MR. CHARLES KEAN.

"'THE FAMILY OF THE WHYTE CHOKERS'--being a completely new version
of _The Serious Family_, which was so popular a season or two ago at
the Haymarket Theatre. The part of the _Reverend Aminadab Whyte
Choker_, by MR. CHARLES KEAN, in lieu of MR. BUCKSTONE.

"'THE MOUNTEBANK'--being an improved reading of _Belphegor_, as
performed by MR. WEBSTER at the Adelphi Theatre. _The Mountebank_
(so long as _the public will tolerate it_) will be played by MR.
CHARLES KEAN.

"'THE TOWER OF HAMMER-AND-NESLE'--being _The Tower of Nesle_, as
generally performed at the Surrey Theatre, but retranslated and
considerably improved, with new causes and effects, and a long
dissertation by MR. CHARLES KEAN, given away on the playbill, as to
the period and costume of the drama, and a list of the bodies thrown
into the Seine.

"'THE CARPENTER ON THE ROAD TO RUIN'--being a very superior
translation of a Piece, acted for many years under almost a similar
title, at the Victoria Theatre. MR. HICKS'S favourite part of _The
Carpenter_ by MR. CHARLES KEAN.

"New versions of _Pizarro_, _The Stranger_, and _The Maid and the
Magpie_ have also been accepted, and will be produced with all the
care for which the Princess's is distinguished."

Great hopes are entertained upon the production of the above pieces; and there can be no doubt that, having been successful at so many theatres before, they will be successful again. There can be no fear as to the acting, when the principal parts will be performed by MR. CHARLES KEAN himself.

* * *

* * * * *

CROCKERY OF THE LONDON CLAY.

The Registrar General tells us, in his report of last week, that "London is situated in a basin." We are not informed what sort of a basin we are living in, but it appears to us to be something between a pudding-basin and a slop-basin--judging from the mud and "slush" it generally contains. Whatever may be the accurate name for the utensil in which we are located, we can only say that it is a basin _of_ which we should be glad to be able to wash our hands.

* * * * *

THE POWER OF EVIL.--A Power of Attorney.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A REAL SCOTTISH GRIEVANCE.

Because we think that the Scotch Lion is quite as comfortable in the place which custom has assigned him as he would be in any other; because we consider that Scotland will do quite well enough without a separate Secretary of State; because we are of opinion that Edinburgh should be content to rank as the second city in the empire; because we are not of opinion that the dictionary of DR. JOHNSON ought, to the vexation of the author's _manes_, to be remodelled on a broad Scotch basis; because, in short, we are not disposed to treat the imaginary wrongs of Scotchmen otherwise than with our usual levity, we are not, therefore, disposed to regard their well-founded complaints with any other feeling than our occasional seriousness. Now we have--we cannot say the pleasure to announce, for the announcement is one which we are grieved in having to make--we have the pleasure, such as it is, of pointing out, and calling attention to, with the view of causing to be redressed, A REAL SCOTTISH GRIEVANCE.

The Scottish grievance which we thus proclaim to be real is one which, we may say, should be framed and glazed. For it comes before us in the shape of a lithograph--dedicated to us in conjunction with a daily paper of some eminence--representing the Glasgow General Post Office; a building of two stories in height, interjacent between MR. RUTHERFORD'S cigar and snuff establishment, and the shop of MR. RUFF, clockmaker; a portion of the party-wall of which last named edifice is exposed, by reason of a very shameful circumstance, reflecting the discredit of gross negligence and injustice on the Government, and, indeed, the Legislature.

That injurious and disgraceful circumstance shall be stated in an extract from a speech by SIR ARCHIBALD ALISON, which is printed beneath the plate:--

"The revenue from the Post Office in Glasgow has increased, in ten
years, from L26,000 to L47,000; and, recollect, Glasgow is a city
containing nearly 400,000 inhabitants, being second in importance to
London alone. Well, the Government first bought a building for the
Post Office, for the sake of economy, so ruinous that they were soon
after obliged to take off the two upper stories and having done
that, they were compelled to leave it for two years and a half
without a roof, in the mean while taking no steps to erect a new
office. The result is, that for the greatest commercial city in
Scotland we have no cavalry barracks, no defences of any
description, a Post Office without a roof, and yet, with an amount
of wealth that may prove a tempting prize to an invader."

We will not say much about the Cavalry Barracks. Drunkenness, we know, prevails to a great extent at Glasgow; and if the people there are apt to be so disorderly as well as drunk, as not to be controllable by the ordinary police, perhaps they do require dragoons to repress their excesses. In that case, it is no doubt a shame that Glasgow should have no barracks for cavalry. But that the Glasgow Post Office wants a roof, is a substantial inconvenience and injury, a just cause of complaint, a matter for strong and sober remonstrance; for remonstrance as strong--and as sober--as Glasgow can make. A roofless house is disgraceful enough considered as indicating insolvency, but it is much more disgraceful when its rooflessness is the result of injustice. To expatiate on the prime necessity of secrecy and security in such a building as a post office, would be to insult the understanding of our readers; and we feel that some apology is due for hinting that, of all the works of masonry, that is the very edifice which ought most carefully to be tiled in. It is, therefore, with all our power that we would trumpet--if with a penny trumpet, though, in fact, ours is a threepenny trumpet--the lack of a roof to the Glasgow Post Office as a real Scottish grievance; and a very great one, particularly as compared to the others alleged by Scottish agitators. We may add that we sympathize the more cordially with the parties aggrieved, inasmuch as we of course regard the condition of the Post Office at Glasgow as fraught with prejudice and peril to the general cause of letters.

* * * * *

ABERDEEN FOR CHINA.

An English Ambassador is needed for Canton. We beg to propose the EARL OR ABERDEEN. Such a selection would be a great compliment to the Chinese,--the noble Earl being very like a tea-chest; namely, varnish without, and lead within.

* * * * *

MODEL RAILWAY MEETING.

Saturday last a General Annual Special Quarterly Meeting of the London and South-Northern Railway Company was held at the Company's Offices. The meeting had been convened to hear a report on the propriety of amalgamating the undertaking with that of the Great East And By Eastern Railway, for which junction, negotiations have been for some time in progress. The HON. ROLLING STOCK, M.P., Chairman of the former Company, presided. The room was crowded with shareholders, and eleven fights took place before business was commenced.

The CHAIRMAN briefly explained the object of the meeting, and reminded those before him that they were men of business come to discuss a question of business, and he expressed a hope that nothing but business would be talked, as the riotous displays which had now become common on such occasions were not only degrading in themselves, but tended to shake the public confidence in a body which could so conduct itself. (_Applause, and an old hat flung at the Chairman._)

The SECRETARY then rose to read the report, but not one word was audible, shouts of "_We know!_" "_Shut up!_" "_All humbug!_" "_Gammon and spinach!_" drowning his voice. He persevered in dumb show, however, until a volley of baked taturs, nearly all hot, supplied by a vendor who had been smuggled into the room by a shareholder, made him not only desist, but come round with an offer to fight the parties who were thus emphatically protesting.

MR. BUFFER then moved that the report be adopted. (_Hideous yells._) Well, if it were objected to, let the reasons be advanced, and don't let fellows stand there, he added, with some irritation, howling like fools. (_Renewed yelling._)

MR. DE GRADIENT seconded the motion, and would also be happy to be the previous speaker's second, if necessary.

MR. SHUNT said that the Chairman was a Nass, the directors were umbugs, and he had no term of decision--he meant derision--strong enough for the secretary, engineer, and superintendent of the traffic. The whole lot were revolutionary aristocratic donothings and sneaks. (_Cries of "That's about it!_" "_Put that in your minutes!_")

The CHAIRMAN said that in his private capacity he despised the taunts of the last speaker too much to condescend to notice them. But as Chairman of that meeting, and representing its dignity, he felt it his duty to say that of all the offensive rapscallions whose ridiculous gabble was ever permitted to contaminate the ears of gentlemen, MR. SHUNT was at once the most audacious and the most contemptible. He had no desire to be severe, but this statement was the mildest version in which he could clothe the truth. He should now put the motion. (_Cries of "Yes, you'd better!_" "_Down, down!" and more volleys of baked taturs._)

MR. FITZPISTON rose to protest. Not a word had been heard of the report, and yet they were to be asked to adopt it. (_Loud applause._)

The CHAIRMAN: And whose fault's that? If the meeting had not made such an unbusinesslike row, they would have heard it all.

A SHAREHOLDER: It was a dodge of the Secretary's, who read low in order not to be heard.

The SECRETARY (_in a dreadful rage_): If I read low I hit high. Will the honourable shareholder come round here and try?

The SHAREHOLDER: No, you are our menial servant, and it's your duty to wait on your masters. (_Vollies of applause and taturs._)

The Secretary was here restrained, with some difficulty, by the Chairman, from taking off his coat and chastising the meeting. During the discussion, quarrelling was going on in all parts of the room. At length, the Secretary being appeased into only caricaturing his enemies, upon his blotting paper, instead of beating them, the Chairman again rose, and put the motion.

MR. SHUNT leaped upon the table, and, taking a sight at the Chair, moved as an amendment, that the report be pitched out of window, and the Directors after it. (_Applause._)

A DIRECTOR (_terrified_): Police!

At this word the fury of the meeting became terrific. _Cries of "That's the way shareholders are bullied!" "No crushers here!"_ and other indignant expressions broke forth; and for three-quarters of an hour, though various speakers tried to be heard, nothing resulted but gesticulation. At last the meeting, being hoarse, permitted a few words from the CHAIRMAN, who explained that this question had been already discussed forty-two times, and each time with similar excitement. In the meantime another company was pushing on the same scheme, and would, by reason of the delay, take the wind out of their sails. (_Cries of "All your fault!" "Swindling the shareholders!" "Directors ought to be kicked!" &c._) He would once more move, that the report be adopted, as nobody would state any objections. (_Vociferous cries and yells--"No, no!" "Down with them!" "Twenty-five per cent. or nothing!" "No democrats!" "No exclusives!" "Bravo_ ROUSE!" _and so on_.)

The CHAIRMAN then called for a show of hands, when everybody clenched his fist and shook it furiously at him. The Chairman, with a smile of triumph, declared the motion unanimously carried, and then, with the Secretary and the books, made a bolt through a side-door, before the meeting could rush in upon them, and prevent the success of this _ruse_. The meeting broke the windows, chairs, and lamps, and were then dispersed by the police.

Yet, with such centres of organisation, fault is found with the working of the Railway system. There's something wrong.

PUNCH.

* * * * *

PUNCH'S PRIZE JOKE SHOW.

By way of counteracting the attraction of the Prize Cattle Show, which we think fosters a rather questionable taste for looking upon "fatty deposits," we propose to institute a Prize Joke Show, and we hope that the produce of the pen of wit will be more satisfactory than the contents of all the pens in the Bazaar of Baker Street. We candidly invite competition; and though anything in the shape of "animal matter" will be rejected from a contest in which all the matter should be as _spirituel_ as possible, we can only say that _Punch_ will be happy to see any of the farfamed Suffolk Punches if, in this "keen encounter of our wits," they have the courage to show themselves.

As a specimen of the style of Joke that will be admissible into the contemplated Prize Show, we have the pleasure to "flick off" the following:--

If I want a statue of myself, why should I be foolish to present a sculptor with the marble for the work? _Answer._ Because if I did, he would be sure to chisel me out of it.

* * * * *

THE MOUSTACHE AND BEARD QUESTION.