Chapter XV: Act THREE (3)

MR. COBDEN would be "sorry to see this country fighting for Mohammedanism." So should we. But in fighting against NICHOLAS of Russia for ABDUL-MEDJID of Turkey, we opine that we should fight for considerably the best Christian of the two. Who was the better Samaritan? The Russian who would have betrayed the victims of Austria: or the Turk, who at the cannon's mouth protected them?

* * * * *

FASHIONS FOR OCTOBER.--Bonnets will be worn on the small of the back.

* * * * *

THE BROTHER OF THE MOON AND PARTICULAR FRIEND OF THE SUN HAVING HIS TAIL CUT OFF BY THE REBELS.--(_All the horrible details from very scarce Plates._)]

* * * * *

TO CORRESPONDENTS.

AN ENQUIRING MIND (Finsbury) requests that we will give him an historical sketch of Philosophy generally, with biographies of its principal professors, and an analysis of their corresponding or contradicting tenets. He also wants to know what is good for corns, and he particularly desires answers to both his requisitions this week.--On the first point we must refer him to any Encyclopaedist, and on the second to any Chiropodist.

BISMILLAH.--Turkey is certainly in Europe, but there is also a Turkey in Asia. There are doubtless wild turkeys in America. But we suspect that some one has been hoaxing you about the four Turkeys. To your second enquiry, about "the directest way for you to become a Member of Parliment" (usually spelt Parliament), we reply that you had better commence by an educational process, which you cannot take up at too early a stage.

ROBERT BLOGGS.--We never before met with the lines you sent, commencing

_To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler, &c._

We agree with you in thinking that they are probably from some play. But perhaps some of our readers can furnish the information.

ALBINIA E. M. has no reason to be "afraid" of our "sarcastic speeches." We never make any. Besides, her handwriting is very pretty, and we dare say corresponds with her face. But in reference to her petition that we will "manage to introduce her to some nice, clever man, with dark eyes, at least L400 a year, and a turn for music," we must pause. Is she sure she is in earnest? Our young men do not like their affections to be sported with. Let her ask her own heart, write again, abstain from sealing with a fourpenny bit, and spell "intense" with an "s," not a "c."

AMOR VIRTUTIS is informed that we cannot tell him where to get skeleton keys made.

NON MI RICORDO, and numerous other correspondents are apprised that we believe the lady was born about the end of the reign of King George the Second. But her address is in the _Court Guide_, and they had better apply to her personally. We do not profess to keep a Register Office.

SAUCY LIZZY.--The best cosmetic is health. Rise early, take exercise, read _Punch_, and be asleep before dark, and you will not need "washes," which, as the _Vicar of Wakefield_ says, do no end of mischief. But if you must use anything of the kind, a little cantharides and mustard, rubbed into a paste with turpentine, laid on over night, and the face washed with sulphuric acid in the morning, will probably produce an alteration. But, Lizzy, on no account use it unless made up by a chemist.

A YOUTHFUL ASPIRER.--We happen, at this moment, to want neither "poetry" _nor_ "a boy as can black boots and run errands," but should a vacancy occur in either department, we will bear you in mind. Your "Lines to the Two Warrens" scarcely do justice either to the Blacking or the Blackwood one.

J. WHEELER BLASHBY (or some such name).--How can _we_ tell you where to get a hippopotamus? But we could tell you where to get a writing master, who would be a much better "companion for your leisure hours."

MUSIDORA.--We need hardly say that we do recognise the hand, and with pleasure. Your grace's secret is, of course, perfectly safe with us, and we should write privately, but have no right to disturb a lady's _incog._ As your grace is pleased to prefer periwinkles we must bow, but a good deal may be said for whelks. We cannot, however, concur in your opinion of the music of _Rigoletto_, which we must, with all deference, pronounce "stunning." Your enclosure shall be duly forwarded to the Marquis.

ARCHIMEDES.--Yes, logarithms and decimals mean the same thing, and to reduce decimals into the concrete formula of logarithms, it is only necessary to extract the cube root and take the middle term (of course omitting fractions) until the tangents have for their basis the sine of the complement. Any charity boy could show you the process.

S. F. (Leeds).--We are surprised at such ignorance in a place of progress like Leeds. The Letters of Junius were not written by any man, but by Lady Mary Wortley Montague, who conveyed them to the press through her friend John Evelyn, author of the poem of _Silver_ (on which Phillips founded his, of the _Splendid Shilling_), and she took the name of Junius as a sort of joke, because at the time of writing them she wore one of the Brutus crops introduced at the French Revolution.

JACK ROBINSON.--Rather, and before you could mention your own name. But when you send us grouse, send a leash, not a brace.

MACDONALD PAUL says, that the family of Skirwharmlie is Scotch, and its members have been worthy to rank with many of whom Scotia is most proud. Owing to the unfortunate prejudices of past ages against treason, arson, cattle stealing, and the like, the family was continually decimated by judicial interposition, but its representative keeps, or kept (for the police are very tyrannical) a marine store shop near Old Gravel Lane.

ROSE AND MATILDA.--Very much ashamed of both of you. To write to two officers whom you do not know, making them offers of marriage, might, under certain circumstances, be defended. But to tie your letters to the necks of two kittens, and to fling the inoffensive creatures in at the military party's windows, was contrary to all etiquette. Pray abstain from such demonstrations, if you wish us to think you ladies.

HEIR-AT-LAW.--We are afraid we cannot assist you in tracing your relative. There was, we think, a person named Smith living either in Clapham or Shoreditch during the early part of the present century, and you might search the registries of the churches there. It may aid you in identifying the party, if we add that he was in the habit of smoking a good deal on Saturday evenings. We shall be happy if our information enables you to recover your estate and title.

RUNIC.--Your lines are very pretty, and shall appear as soon as ever we can make room for them, probably in September or October, 1873. You need not wait until their appearance before sending the game.

JUVENIS.--The epigram is by MARTIAL, and runs, correctly, thus:--

_Spes prima facie largo factotum amicus,
Curiae per contra nil desperandum gratis._

Which may be translated--but, on second thoughts, we invite our young classical friends to send us in their translations of this very terse and sparkling epigram. The name of the first and second best shall be given, as also that of the worst, if he lets us know it.

JOSHUA R.--We are not aware that the "Finding the Dead Body of Harold" has ever been made the subject of a painting, but now you have suggested it, we have no doubt that some artist will take the idea with thankfulness. We are always glad to be the vehicle for conveying such hints, and may mention that we have often wondered that neither _Gil Blas_, nor the _Vicar of Wakefield_ has supplied subjects for painters.

MURPHY.--We do not profess to be weatherwise, but we believe that it has been observed, that before rain swallows fly high, dogs are unusually brisk and active and will not eat grass, waterfowl keep on the surface of the water, fish bite greedily, toads disappear, and sheep and cattle seem remarkably calm and comfortable. We can hardly tell you "how to avert the consequences of rain," but a good deal might be done by staying within doors.

A MOTHER.--Your excuse is a common one, but it is your business to know that he is out. Respecting the demand of your youngest son for cigar money and a latch key, we think you perfectly justified in refusing either until he is eight years old. And though we consider all coercion as objectionable, we cannot blame you for fastening the street door top-bolt, which is above his reach, to prevent his going alone to Vauxhall at half-past eleven at night. But beware of severity, and talk to him of the beauty of virtue, and the social advantages of subordination.

BACKFIN.--Sturgeon abound in the Hampstead ponds, but as they belong to the Lord of the Manor, Sir T. M. Wilson, no one will fish for them. We have ourselves taken salmon, in the New River, of from sixty to eighty pounds, but the tall iron railings sadly interfere with an artistic throw of the fly. We doubt whether the fine trout you describe can be caught in Peerless Pool. From off the terrace of the Houses of Parliament, now that the session is over, anglers are seen hooking John Doreys and smelts daily, but it is stated that the fag ends of the members' cigars have given them a cabbagy flavour.

A NOVICE.--Always happy to give any information on etiquette. If you are on the top of an omnibus, and see a lady walking, to whom you are but slightly known, call out "Hi!" and kiss your hand to her in a facetious manner. If she be of superior rank, it is usual, though not necessary, to put your hat on the end of your stick and spin it round, but discretion must be your guide. True politeness is that which places every one at ease.

ADA JANE.--We suspect poor ADA JANE is in rather an awkward position. We cannot see how she is to prevent her cousin's marriage with the young nobleman to whom ADA JANE herself has taken a liking. She might, certainly, go to the intended bride's mother, represent her own feelings, and ask her to give up the cousin's brilliant match--such things are done on the stage. But we doubt whether it would do in Belgravia. Let ADA JANE catch a young nobleman for herself, there are plenty about.

HENRY E. (Walton).--How can that be? The square of the half of any chord of a circle is equal to the product of the sagittae of the opposite arcs, that is, the segments of the diameter bisecting the chord, or the versed sines of half the opposite arcs. From this the Jews argue, and we agree with Colonel Sibthorp in thinking they argue rightly, that no man can, by self-measurement, get a decent fit from a tailor.

W. W. and F. F.--Your account of your ascent of Primrose Hill is very exciting, but the feat has been performed before. To be sure, we observe that, like some other gentlemen who just now write to the papers about their "Ascents of Mont Blanc," you failed in reaching the top; but even this remarkable feature in the performance scarcely entitles you to publicity.

AFFECTIONATE EMMA.--Your "Lines to My Little Brother (aged 23/4), on his accidentally Sitting down upon some Stinging Nettles," have point and pensiveness, but scarcely sufficient interest for the general reader. Still we hope your brother is better.

CHARLEY, having been thrown over by a young lady, wishes to return everything she has ever sent him, but finds a difficulty, from the fact that, her papa having been a pastrycook, her presents chiefly consisted of jam tarts, Albert rock, and the like, which CHARLEY has eaten long ago. The dilemma is new and delicate, but if CHARLEY'S conscience is tender, he had better estimate the price of the articles, and enclose it to the old Pattypan, from whom Miss had clearly no right to take them. But, as has been classically said, _Jams ate is_.

BELLICOSUS JOCOSUS.--You may obtain a commission in the army, by leaving your card at Lord Hardinge's any day before four o'clock, and by calling for an answer next day. You may give the servant one shilling. This applies to the line only. To become a guardsman, call at the Junior United Service Club any evening between six and nine, walk boldly into the dining-room, and state your wish to any party who may be dining together. The rest of the process you will find very simple.

A BRIDE.--Do not distress yourself. Very likely he loves you sincerely, and his winking at the bridesmaid might be mere accident--the whisper was probably to tell her how pretty you looked--and the pressure of her hand gratitude for her ready acknowledgment of it. Even the note may be explained; it was the address to which she is to forward some present for you. Never worry yourself about trifles--you have married him, and she is cut out. Go on your tour rejoicing.

JEUNE PHILOSOPHE.--Matter is, no doubt, as you contend, an integral part of cognate consciousness; but do not push this law to an absurdity. If homogeneous self-antipathies come into conflict with inchoate rationalism, where will you draw the line between casuality and causality? Hadn't you better shut up?

ANXIOUS JEMIMA.--There is no rule as to the number of clergymen requisite at a wedding. One able-bodied clerk in orders can do all that is necessary. The "assisting" system is a ridiculous custom, introduced by the Puseyites, by way of assimilating the ceremony to that of Rome. At the same time, we admit that a clergyman has a hard duty to perform in managing _some_ couples, and it is probably in these cases that he calls in extra hands. Look at the announcements with that idea in your mind.

SIGHT-SEER.--You may walk into Buckingham Palace whenever you please, and without any ticket. But when you enter the rooms in which any of the Royal Family are sitting, you should put out your cigar, and politeness, if not loyalty, dictates your making some complimentary remark on the elegance of the building. If you have apples or other fruit in your pocket, you may offer them to the younger Princes and Princesses; but we believe there is an objection to their R. H. accepting slices of cocoa-nut, or toffy.

WILLIAM P.--We think the young lady was quite justified in slamming the door in your face, and in throwing the geranium pots at you from the two-pair window; indeed, we do not see how any person calling herself a lady could have acted otherwise.

PUZZLED.--We have so repeatedly explained that _R. S. V. P._, on a note of invitation, means "Write and Say Vether you'll be Present," that we are tired of answering the inquiry.

THEATRICUS (Ebury Street).--We shall be happy to read all your thirty-four plays, and, having done so, to recommend them to such managers as they may best suit. There will be no difficulty about money, but we shall be happy to make any advance you may require while the plays are in rehearsal. One hundred guineas an act is the lowest price paid at any Metropolitan theatre.

SMACKARJEE WOPPAJEE (Calcutta).--We are much obliged. The sketch of the Ayah running round the compound after the Adjutant (bird), and the khansuma and the chuprassy pelting her with her own tabeejes and banjoobunds, has been handed to one of our artists, but we fear the nutcut will make but a queer jummakur of it. So you have got your juwaub, eh? Never mind, there are other young ladies in India. Ask again.

QUERY.--You are wrong. Sardanapalus is accented on the middle syllable; Zante is a dissyllable; Chobham is pronounced Cobham; theatre is accented on the _a_; Phaeeton is sounded fee-a-ton; and Mr. Disraeli as Mr. De Hisreelly. Attend to these niceties if you would be supposed to have lived in good society.

A YOUNG HOUSEKEEPER.--In September pickle garlic, parsnips, and spinach, and pour vinegar into each of your marmalade pots, to prevent fermentation. Smear the frames of your looking-glasses and pictures with tar and treacle; and be careful that the pantry doors and windows are left open at nights, as the autumn air of the garden is cold for the cats. If you have beer in the house, drink it.

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SAINT CABBIE!

The French have their SAINT FIACRE, who must be the patron saint of hackney coaches; why shouldn't the English calendar boast, in the like manner, of its "SAINT CABBIE?" The sufferings of that much injured creature have been more than sufficient lately to elevate him to the honours of canonisation; and the weakness, the uncomplaining resignation, with which he has borne those sufferings, surely entitle him to some public mark of our gratitude? Has he fallen from his high elevation of eightpence--or, rather, a shilling--down to sixpence, fallen almost without a murmur--and is no popular testimonial to be given him by way of ointment to that fall? Has he not endured the taunts of vulgar minds without a retort? Has he not sat quietly under the sarcasms of little boys, and never once used his whip to drive them away? Has he not been hunted from stand to stand, worse than a wild beast, by the policemen? And has he not been compelled, which was adding insult to injury, to carry himself and cab to the station-house (without being paid, mind you, for the additional distance,) as often as the vindictive object was to fine him? These are broad daylight truths which we require no turning on of the gas to recognise--these are trials and triumphs of temper which are so many proofs of martyrdom, scarcely to be surpassed by any you will find in "Fox's Book Of Martyrs." We propose, therefore, that some statue be erected in honour of SAINT CABBIE; and we think Scotland Yard, which has been the scene where he has been made to bleed so often for his injured cause, would be the fittest spot for the erection. Designs for the statue should be thrown open to public competition and sent in, for selection, to the Police Commissioners. For ourselves, we are anxious to contribute our small mite to the worthy object, and beg, therefore, to suggest the following appropriate design:--

Let a wild horse--the wildest that can be found on the Green Yard--be harnessed to the craziest cab that can be picked off a nocturnal cab stand, and on the top of that cab let poor Cabbie be fastened _a la Mazeppa_. An aureol, made of dirty straw, should shine round his head; his whip should be lying by his side, broken in two, and suspended round his neck should be his badge of suffering, on which should be marked the fatal word "6_d._" On the box should be seated a Member of Parliament (the conventional long ears of an M.P. might be left out on this occasion), with the New Cab Act in his hand, driving the poor Cabman to desperation. The motto on the panel might be "FOR WHEEL AND WOE."

The above design, we are sure, would work up into a very magnificent statue.

In the meantime we hope CARDINAL WISEMAN will exercise all his influence with the POPE, or whoever may be the great almanac-maker; at Rome, to have SAINT CABBIE introduced by the side of SAINT FIACRE in the Romish Calendar.

* * * * *

A PRESENT FROM THE POPE.

His Holiness--says the _Journal de Bruxelles_--has sent to the young bridegroom, the DUKE OF BRABANT, "a fragment of the wood of the manger which formed the cradle of our Saviour." The POPE has a constant supply of relics on hand to be bestowed on fitting persons and fitting occasions. Enthrone Liberty in the Capitol, and the POPE, no doubt, would send _her_ a relic; nothing less than "the Kiss of JUDAS?"

* * * * *

POOR SHAKSPEARE!

The fiddles are once more at him. Again is SHAKSPEARE to be bow-strung. VERDI--we learn from the _Post_--is putting _King Lear_ and _Hamlet_ to cat gut. It is, moreover, whispered that _Hamlet_ is destined for the Princess's; _Hamlet_ to be sung by MR. CHARLES KEAN, who is expected to make a great hit in the solo of "To be or not to be," in which he will accompany himself on the Jews'-harp.

* * * * *

REVIEW OF THE MEDICAL LINE.

A grand review of the Medical Staff of the Metropolis was held yesterday by SURGEON-GENERAL _Punch_; the officers and men of the various parishes presenting themselves in professional rank and file.

The colours of the corps have become rather faded in consequence of exposure to foul air and exhalations. They are red, blue, and green, in correspondence with night-lamps and shop-window bottles; and are emblazoned with the names of various localities in which the force, performing services of danger, has triumphed over cholera, typhus, and other foes; as "Fig Tree Court," "Puddle Dock," "Twister's Alley," "Paradise Row," "Mount Pleasant," "Slumson's Rents," "Grimes's Mews," &c.

The troops went through the exercise of prescribing, compounding, mixing, and the other evolutions of a sham fight with disease; executing their operations with great rapidity and precision. The mortar practice was much admired.

The appearance of the officers and men was better than could have been expected, considering the generally small amount of their pay.

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* * * * *

A SHOE-LANE RALEIGH!

The _Morning Herald_ has a beautiful leader upon the QUEEN'S visit to Dublin; a very beautiful bit of work, indeed. The _Herald_ praises with manly devotion the name of woman, and the name of mother. _But_--

"But when to both these there is added the title of our QUEEN! she
may not only as in the days of RALEIGH, step on our cloaks, but our---

What do you think? Guess. Breasts? No. Guess again. Hearts? Oh dear no--

"but our _coats_!"

If the loyalty of the _Herald_ continues--regardless of expense--to rise in this manner, the next climax may be thus--

"Not only on our coats, _but_ our WAISTCOATS!"

There, we trust, the loyalty of the _Herald_ will, if only for the sake of appearances, stop.

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THE WRONGS OF SCOTLAND.

SCOTLAND--it is said by Scotch patriots--is shamefully snubbed and slighted by sister England. There are two Dukes to be made Knights of the Thistle: and the _Edinburgh Evening Post_ very pertinently asks, Why should they not be created at Holyrood, on the soil whereto the thistle is indigenous? Why not? Honest SANCHO says, "Let every tub stand on its own bottom." And in like manner, why not every Scotch knight sit on his own Thistle?

* * * * *

REMARKABLE SELF-SACRIFICE.

Now that Parliament stands prorogued, and the game of all parties consists of partridges and grouse, the journals naturally supply the place of political news with wonderful shots, and other marvellous items of sporting intelligence: as, for instance, the following paragraph which the _Morning Post_ quotes from the _North British Daily Mail_:--

"NEW MODE OF CATCHING WILD DUCK.--A farmer in Bute, some time ago,
having sown his crop, set up a couple of harrows in a field to dry,
back to back, _i.e._ with the iron spikes outward. On making a round
of his field shortly afterwards, to his astonishment he found a wild
duck spitted on one of his harrows. Whether the creature in its
flight in the dark had encountered the spike of the harrow, or been
dashed against it by a gust of wind, no one can tell; but the truth
of the story may be relied upon, as our informant, the farmer
himself, is a most respectable man, and an elder of the Church."

Both respectable men and elders of the Church are capable now and then of indulging in a little toxophilite recreation; archery: shooting with the old English weapon of ROBIN HOOD. The elder sometimes comes, or becomes, the ancient of the Church militant or old soldier, over us. The above narrative may, perhaps, be regarded as a shaft of waggery aimed at the bull's eye of faith. A correspondent, however, who is farther North than even the _North British Daily Mail_, assures us that it tells the truth, though not the whole truth. That a bird was spitted on one of the harrows in the manner described, is a positive fact. But the additional circumstance should have been mentioned, that a couch-fire having been made between the harrows, for the twofold purpose of burning the weeds, and drying the implements the more effectually, the creature was found not only spitted but roasted. It further remains to be stated, that the bird which was so silly as to spit itself, or get spitted, in its blundering flight, was not a duck, but a goose; which thus became its own cook. Last of all the coincidence deserves to be recorded, that the feathered simpleton, which, previously to the stupid act, had just been feeding, probably in an adjoining garden, was discovered, with some presentiment of its destiny, to have stuffed itself with sage and onions.

* * * * *

A CHAUNT.

BY A TEETOTALLER.

Hence away, loathed Melancholy!
Friends around again we see:
Banish care, and let's be jolly,
Eating muffins, drinking tea.

Round the social board we'll cluster,
(That which names from tea I mean),
And wash down the festive "buster"
With deep draughts of Black and Green.

What care we for Beer-kings' prices?
Or the bitters of the vat?
ADAM'S pale ale never rises,
There's no strychnine, boys, in _that_!

What to us the size of bottles?
Pint or quart, who cares a jot?
While we to tea confine our throttles,
Ours will always be a Pot.

(Only mind lest "Fine Young Hyson"
Be a synonyme for "sloe:"
And beware the aqueous poison
Which from filthy Thames doth flow.)

Jovial boys, come pass the Sally
Lunn, nor let the crumpet stand:
Round the jocund kettle rally,
And silence for its song demand.

Water from its dumpy level
Shall elevate each thirsty soul:
And if dull care approach our revel,
We'll drown it in the sugar bowl.

Thus we'll pass each festive season,
From all indigestion free:
And enjoy the feast of reason,
Coupled with the flow of tea.

* * * * *

WALKER!

WOMEN--they so like matches of any sort--have taken to walking-matches. A MRS. DUNN, of Hartshill, is walking 1,000 miles in 1,000 hours. Another lady, one MISS MEW, of Cateaton Street, has also offered to do the same distance in the same time with this additional difficulty--she offers to walk in walnut-shells. Friends who know her best back her at long odds.

* * * * *

AN AUSTRALIAN CLIPPER.

Lighting accidentally on an Australian paper, we were struck by an advertisement of a steamer for sale at Sydney, which really seems worth attention. It professes to be so complete in every department that, if it should happen to go to pieces, there are ample arrangements on board for building another vessel as a substitute. There is "a double set of machinery;" and, in fact, there appears to be everything in duplicate, so that, if the vessel should unhappily go down, there is a counterpart on board to supply the defect.

We do not quite understand the mode by which this desirable state of things has been effected, but we have long ceased to be surprised at anything, and should not be astonished if we were to see the announcement of a ship with a double set of officers, and even a double supply of passengers, so that if anything happened to either there would be sufficient substitutes at hand. Considering that the announcement comes from a land in which the gold mania is at its height, we cannot wonder at the duplicity of the speculation, since double-dealing is thought nothing remarkable where all are thinking of nothing but getting gold.

* * * * *

THE GOVERNESSES IN DESPAIR.

"DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Chinese language will no doubt be added to the already long list of acquirements necessary to a governess. The advertisements are even now frightful to read. When, and how am I to learn such words as will soon be expected of me? How am I to afford a journey to China in order to get the right pronunciation? I am told everything is to be taught through the medium of the Chinese: our only chance seems to be to get the Pekin twang as fast as possible.

"Yours truly, JULIA."

* * * * *

AN ABODE OF BLISS.

We wish we were on visiting terms with the family, the heads of which have put into a Manchester contemporary the subjoined advertisement:--

TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS.--WANTED, in a family, a respectable YOUNG
PERSON, as Seamstress and Upper Nurse, and to make herself useful.
It is expected that a comfortable home, and the opportunity of
improvement, will be considered equivalent to her services for the
first twelve months.--Address, M., 27, at the Printers'.

Were we in the habit of friendly intercourse with these nice people, they would sometimes--often, we should hope--ask us to dinner. And what a dinner it would be! Moreover, if we stopped to sleep, what luxurious accommodation would be provided for us in a house where the comforts of home are considered equivalent to the services of a Seamstress or Upper Nurse! O the turtle! O the venison! O the superior descriptions of French and Rhine wine! O the profundity of bliss in sinking to slumber in an abyss of down! But O the victuals! O the dinner!--in the first place--if dinner can be depended upon in an establishment wherein the cook most likely gets no wages.

* * * * *

A WARNING TO VEGETARIANS.

One J. J. DAW--alias, we presume, JACK JACK-DAW--has been up at Guildhall to profess himself a convert to the Jewish faith. "He is not insane," says the medical authority; "but is a vegetarian." The truth is, the cause of the poor man's conversion is simply this: he has lived upon roots only, and they have got into his head and taking great interest there, have become Hebrew ones.

* * * * *

THE GUILLOTINE IN CHINA.

(_From our own Correspondent._)

The Chinese Revolution progresses in a peculiar manner. Heads are not falling, as was the case in France, but tails are with marvellous rapidity in this Celestial Reign of Terror, the ROBESPIERRES of which are sending mandarins by thousands to the scaffold, to be deprived of those appendages. The execution of one of these dignitaries took place yesterday, in conformity with the following sentence:--

"DING DONG, Brother of the Moon, and Chief Justice to the Planets, having sat in judgment with great patience for the greater part of an hour upon KU LONG, accused of narrow-mindedness and villainous detestable obstinacy, in adhering pertinaciously to obsolete usages and fashions, considers the said charge against the prisoner fully established, and hereby pronounces him to stand convicted of rascality, perversity, and pig-tailed obstructiveness, which are evil principles, proceeding from the suggestions of demons and imps; seeing that these bad dispositions form the source whence the pigtail springs, and whereby that horrible and ugly excrescence is nourished, it would be desirable to eradicate them, in order that the absurd and ludicrous tail might fall off in consequence. But as there are some objects which are not possible, in the nature of things, and this is one of them, it is best not to attempt to do what would prove impracticable; and therefore the case requires the decree to be different.

For which reason, the sentence upon KU LONG is declared to be that he shall, with as much expedition as the necessary preparations admit of, be conducted by the officers of justice to a scaffold, and having been placed thereon in a convenient chair, shall have his pigtail severed from his head, both as a punishment to himself, and a warning to others, to intimidate and deter them from making hogs of themselves by wearing tails, like those of swine, but not in the manner the pig wears his tail in, but the reverse--which makes it more preposterous. Respect this; and chop KU LONG'S tail off as soon as you can."

* * * * *

EVIL EYESIGHT.

Some of our contemporaries appear to be labouring under a political jaundice, by which distemper they are caused to see everything through a blue or buff medium. The _Standard_ supplies a case in point, out of the _Yorkshire Gazette_; in the subjoined portion of an account of some local festivities:--

... "Before late in the day not less than 1500 had congregated
together, and were engaged in all kinds of sports and games, and
many were the waltzes and polkas, &c., which were gracefully
performed by the lovers of the dance. THE EARL AND COUNTESS OF
MULGRAVE, with their children and the HONOURABLE E. PHIPPS, the
rejected candidate of Whitby, joined the party.

"We would advise our Conservative friends to watch the influence
acquired by this new mode of treating."

This is the way in which one party looks at another, that other being a simple merrymaking! Motley is the only wear for a writer whose ideas are so party-coloured. Cannot the superior classes cultivate kindly feelings with their neighbours without being accused of inferior motives? Such mean imputations ought not to emanate from the forces who march under the banner of COLONEL SIBTHORP, but with whom the Member for Lincoln will be ashamed to march through Coventry, or at least, through thick and thin of this kind. The COLONEL, who insists on the right of treating his constituents jovially, would repudiate with scorn the charge of corruption, brought against him for dancing amongst them around a Maypole; he would be highly indignant at being suspected of trying to turn voters round by spinning their daughters in a waltz; of insidious designs in tripping down the middle and up again, and, in doing hands across, of an underhand manoeuvre: he would be disgusted to find himself thought capable of any trick below the double shuffle.

The "new mode of treating" might, indeed, be advantageously "watched by our Conservative friends"--and imitated. To treat the people, by mixing with them in courteous intercourse, would be wise of the aristocracy. But sorrily will the great folks be encouraged to relax their exclusiveness, either socially, or as proprietors of parks and picture galleries, by representing them as doing so merely in a spirit of baseness.

* * * * *

GREAT CURE AND SMALL PAY.

Did you ever hear of a clerical SERGEANT KITE? Here you have apparently that non-commissioned officer--no offence to the probably Tractarian author of the advertisement following, taken from that highly religious paper, _The Guardian_:--

CURATE WANTED, for a small country village in the diocese of
Lichfield. Incumbent resident; daily prayers; weekly Communion; day,
night, and Sunday schools; plenty of work of all kinds. Salary L90,
with a house and garden. The Curate must be a sound Churchman, with
his heart in his work, and willing to obey orders. He must have good
health, be able to conduct a choral service, and to preach (if
necessary) three or four times a week. Direct P., under cover to MR.
MASTERS, 33, Aldersgate Street, London.

This is a roll on the modern drum ecclesiastic--SERGEANT KITE beating up for recruits in the noble army of martyrs. For the services above enumerated, many and arduous as they are, appear to be services of danger, rather. The heart which the Curate is expected to have in the work would be soon worn out in it. It is to be feared that the good health he is required to enjoy would not endure very long. In an extremely brief space of time he would pray, preach, teach, and chant himself to death. At least the sound Churchman would speedily get out of condition; grow as phthisical and hectic as any hero of a "religious" novel. With a salary of L90 a year, it may be anticipated that he would go fast to the dogs, and make such an end as a Curate might have made under NERO.

The Incumbent, however, in want of a Curate, may perhaps be also in want of bread, or so poorly off in that respect, as to be unable to offer the assistant for whom he advertises more than a share of his crust. But then he ought to have mentioned this circumstance, that broken meat might have been sent to him, and that steps might have been taken to enable him to participate in the bounty of the Society for Supplying Clergymen with Old Clothes.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE CHELSEA GHOST.

Within the sound of the pleasant bells of St. Barnabas, and within stone's throw of--_Punch_ does not know how many--churches, chapels, literary and scientific lecture-rooms, schools, and other institutions, mainly intended for the exorcising of ignorance, a Ghost has just dared to show itself, and hundreds of fools have attended its levee.

Pond Street is the locality--the name is suggestive of stagnation and greenness--and here has been seen a terrible apparition, "A Tall Man with a Deathlike Face and Snowy Garments Reaching to his Feet." Allowing for the poetry which broke out in snow, the description serves wonderfully for an Irish labourer who, having been desperately beaten in one of the religious ceremonies of his nation, gets out of bed in the night-gown lent him by the hospital. But we will believe the Ghost to be veritable, and to have a mission. Let us see what it is.

First, a sturdy young "excavator" goes up-stairs into the ghostly chamber, and being in his cups, is the easier victim to the saucer eyes, which flame on him so hideously that he falls down in a fit.

Secondly, another "excavator" (if these poor spade men have been disturbing the Ghost's earthly tenement in its grave, justice would have sent the remonstrating spectre to the surveyor's office, or the contractor's counting-house) goes up-stairs, only to fall down in a fit like his predecessor.

Thirdly, an older labourer comes home, and being informed of the affair, proceeds to enquire into it. Stricken down in horror, his fits last for hours.

The neighbourhood, now clustered in agitation round the haunted house, clamours for the Police. Three gallant and well-grown officers, uniformed, and belted, and braceleted, and bludgeoned, march fearlessly into the house, prepared to say "Come, cut it," or "Be off out of that," to the grimmest phantom on the walk. In a few minutes the lettered heroes rush out of the dwelling, their horror untold; but a policeman, paid a guinea a week (less deductions), must have seen something remarkable when he declares, that "untold gold" should not induce him to stay in the place. And these legal authorities actually counsel the householders to leave the dreadful house as soon as possible.

The mission, you see, for which a supernatural visitor is sent from the world of spirits, prospers. Three labourers go into fits, and three policemen are frightened out of their duty. Then doors bang all night, and groans are heard, and a mob blocks up the street until five in the morning. And _Mr. Punch_, who, as may often be seen in the streets, is ready to tackle any ghost with that unhesitating club of his, goes the next afternoon to Pond Street, and finds the assembly again in full force, but not very reverent, and discussing the ghost's nature with that freedom of epithet characteristic of street conversationists. _Mr. Punch_ was very much shocked to hear the roar of laughter which greeted a proposition, made by a gentleman in his shirt-sleeves and with a short pipe, to the effect that if any one would "stand" (_Mr. Punch_ believes he reports the right word) a vessel of malt liquor, he would go into the house (which appears to have resembled that of SAUL), and inflict upon the Ghost--as to whose future destiny the speaker's expressions showed that he had made up his mind--a species of castigation which certainly should be reserved for extreme cases. And _Mr. Punch_ further reports that all along the King's Road, and near the Hospital, and even towards theatrical Brompton, many of whose inhabitants have rejoiced to see "the Ghost walk," the popular invitation was "Come on; let's go and see that blessed Ghost." Clearly, therefore, the supernatural visitor is fulfilling the important mission for which only can we suppose he has been sent from another world.

When the clergy of the neighbourhood heard of the affair, they were greatly moved. One of them, a young Barnabasian, threw down the sweetest handful of charming artificial flowers, with which he was making an altar-wreath for Sunday, rushed into the crowd, and affectionately, but earnestly, reproved his humbler brethren for putting faith in such vulgar and impious folly. He entered the haunted house, walked all over it, and throwing up every window in turn, addressed a few words of gentle ridicule from each: and he ended by leading away the whole assembly to his church, where he gave them some sound, shrewd counsel, which will probably spoil a Ghost's market in that quarter for some time. Others of the clergy, roused by the spectacle in Pond Street, have been equally active; and perhaps after all, this was the Ghost's real mission. In this case "it is an honest ghost, that let _Punch_ tell ye."

The Roman Catholic priests of the vicinity, however, look at the matter in another light, and regard the "Deathlike face" as the editor of the _Tablet_ does the Salette miracle, where the Virgin astonished the weak mind of the pig-boy and girl, and sent a very proper message to the French people not to swear. They say that the Ghost is that of somebody who, not having paid up the priest's "dues," will haunt the neighbourhood until somebody else pays them for him. The landlord of the house, who seems to have most reason to complain of the apparition, intends to pay these "dues," and charge them in the rent, unless the next tenant likes to take the Ghost with the fixtures.

This is, _Punch_ joyfully admits, an enlightened age, but its lights will, sometimes, burn blue.

* * * * *

A CONSULTATION "IN ARTICULO."

Doctors, diplomatic doctors, mixers of the paper-pill.
Fuming, fussing, drafts discussing, o'er a dying nation,
Protocol-prescription-mongers, slow to cure, but strong to kill,
Spreading words, like blister-ointment, to allay an irritation.

CLARENDON, M.D., prescribeth sedatives and cooling potion;
_Le Docteur_ DROUYN DE L'HUYS to stimulants inclineth;
_Hofartzt_ BRUCK of _vis naturae medicatrix_ hath a notion;
_Medicus_ AUPICK, looking wise, doth nothing, but defineth.

Wrangle, jangle, argol-bargol, still the Doctors diplomatic
But differ to agree again, and but agree to differ,
While the poor old Turk, their patient, groweth more and more asthmatic,
And his eye gets dim and dimmer, and his limbs wax stiff and stiffer.

While behind the patient's curtain, with cautious step, yet certain,
The AZRAEL who that poor old Turk hath threatened many a year--
A Calmuc skull, with vulture claw, and waist like spider girt in--
To choke death's rattle, and do battle for the body, doth appear.

The Doctors argue with him, and he patiently doth listen;
He treateth them to reasons, and they treat him to replies;
But the old Turk's eyeballs glaze, and the Calmuc eyeholes glisten;--
And while the Doctors differ the presumptuous patient dies!

* * * * *

LOUIS NAPOLEON AT BOULOGNE.

It is said that "the authorities" are making extensive preparations for the reception of LOUIS NAPOLEON at Boulogne. As this is not his first visit, and as it is usual on occasions of great public ceremonials, to refer to "precedents," we may expect to find the "authorities" searching their annals in order to discover how LOUIS NAPOLEON was formerly received. It is not necessary to go very far back in making the inquiry, as it is as recent as 1840 that LOUIS NAPOLEON was "received" by the authorities of the place. On that occasion he was met by the National Guard, who, with great valour, fired a salute of loaded muskets on the present Emperor and his handful of almost defenceless friends. No other carriage being in readiness, a bathing-machine was provided for the reception of the Prince, who was conveyed, amid a detachment of soldiers, to the prison in the upper town. The Imperial eagle, instead of being displayed on banners, was present in person, and was removed by the "authorities" to the _abattoir_.

Having reached this result of an inquiry into precedents, we wait patiently for the official programme of the _fetes_ which will take place in honour of the Emperor's visit to Boulogne. It is quite clear from the events of the last four years that the watering place alluded to was, in 1840, wholly unacquainted with the real sentiments of the French nation. We must suppose that, in 1853, it comes much nearer the mark.

* * * * *

]

* * * * *

AUTUMNAL PROMOTIONS.

As the Autumn advances, certain promotions always take place, which we never notice at any other period of the year. We beg to record the following amongst those which have recently occurred:--

MR. JONES, the veteran ballad-singer between the acts at the Pavilion Theatre, promoted into SIGNOR JONESI, "the celebrated tenor from HER MAJESTY'S Theatre," who is now delighting the gay _habitues_ of the different Libraries at Ramsgate, Margate, &c.

MISS ROWE, whose favourite song of "_Will you buy my Oysters, Sir?_" has been sung no less than 300 times at the Grecian Saloon, promoted into "MADLLE. ROEWE, the celebrated _cantatrice_, from the Nobilities' Concerts," who is nightly encored tumultuously at the different "Fairy Scenes" that at this time of the year generally enliven Gravesend about tea-time, and make of it quite a Fairy Home.

MR. O'MULLIGAN, the celebrated Owl in _Der Freischuetz_, at the Surrey, into HERR MEULIN, "the popular Shakspearian Clown from Astley's," who is now tumbling his way through the provinces to the especial Shakspearian delight of the visitors of MR. FLICK'S "unrivalled troupe, and quadruple equestrian company."

MR. RODGERS, the forty-third pupil of MRS. SEARLE, and principal waterer of the stage at Covent Garden, promoted at Brighton into "MONSIEUR ROGER, the admired teacher of dancing and calisthenics at ALMACKS'."

MR. NIGGERS, acknowledged to be the greatest villain that ever appeared at the City of London and QUEEN'S Theatres, promoted, for a six months' engagement at Leamington, into "MR. STANLEY SMITH, the leading light comedian of the Lyceum Theatre, under the tasteful management of MADAME VESTRIS."

MR. BROWN, the rich grocer of Finsbury Square, promoted, for the short time he is travelling in France and Italy, into _Milor_ BROWN.

ENSIGN HARRISON, who has just received his commission in the "Bucks Invincibles," promoted, during his stay at Baden-Baden, to the Captaincy of a crack regiment in HER MAJESTY'S line.

MRS. SUTHERLAND, the stock-broker's wife, of Dalston, who is at present stopping at Ems with her seven unmarried daughters, promoted by the landlord and waiters of the Hotel, where she is stopping, into LADY SUTHERLAND, and the promotion gazetted accordingly in all the _Journaux_ and _Zeitungen_ of the place. N.B. The promotion is not in the least denied by MRS. SUTHERLAND, until she is presented with 'the small amount' of Her Ladyship's bill, when she is very indignant "at the idea of being taken for a Lady."

There are several other promotions that generally take place during the Autumn by persons who are travelling. Shopmen aspire to the rank of gentlemen; young gentlemen give themselves the air and pretensions of noblemen; and ladies do not mind to what high rank they may be promoted, knowing well enough they must sink down again to the plain Mrs., the moment they return to Baker Street. But it is otherwise with the gentlemen, who, it is notorious, are more easily led away by the vanities of this world than the ladies; thus, you will meet with swarms of _Rentiers_ in the shape of young gentlemen who have scarcely got sufficient to pay the expenses of their journey home; with innumerable _Hommes de Lettres_, who have never had anything to do with them, beyond writing a letter occasionally, signed "A Father of a Family," or "A Constant Reader," to the Editor of the _Times_; with railways-full of _artistes_, who, if the truth were known, are only hair-cutters, or else the drawing-masters of some suburban girl's-school; and with no small quantity of _Banquiers_, whom, if you could see them only in their counting-houses at home, you would find, probably, behind the trellis-work of a suspicious Betting-Shop, or else secreted in a dark back-parlour, with some six other _Banquiers_, at the head of a "Mutual Loan and Investment Office"--for the benefit, of course, of the "Poor Man" and not at all of themselves.

Beware, especially at the sea-side, and on your travels, of all AUTUMNAL PROMOTIONS.

* * * * *

THE ENGLISH HIPPOPOTAMUS, AT THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS, to the FRENCH DITTO, AT THE "JARDIN DES PLANTES."

"MON CHER HIP.,--I have been reading the account of your glorious reception at Paris. Don't you allow your simple head to be turned by the homage you have been receiving. Look at me, and profit by the ridiculous lesson.

"But a short time ago I was as great a favourite as you now are. I was run after worse than a Nepaulese Ambassador--though what little lustre there was about me was all my own--not a single diamond shone in my ears! and my nose (at present so snubbed) was unconscious of the smallest precious stone! No valuable Cachemire was coiled round my head, that, in a moment of admiration, I could unroll and lay at the feet of my fair worshippers. What little merit I possessed consisted in my native ugliness; and though I flatter myself I am as ugly now as I was then, still no one runs after me now.

"As it was with me so it will be with you. My word for it, your nose will be similarly put out of joint by M. DUPIN, or some other monstrosity. I was the rage, the fashionable lion of the day. Thousands of ladies tore their dresses, and fought with their parasols, to get a passing peep at me. They called me 'dear,' 'duck,' 'pet,' and other fond terms of female endearment; and much they care about me at present! Casts were made of me in sponge-cake, and adorned the pastrycooks' windows. You saw my portrait in the frontispiece of every polka. No periodical was complete without my biography, whilst my bulky proportions were multiplied in a thousand different shapes, either in snuff-boxes, ink-stands, salt-cellars, butter-boats, or else figured on ladies' brooches. And where, I ask, am I now? I hide myself in the mud of my bath, with shame and indignation, when I think of the base ingratitude of the public.

"I cannot believe you are any uglier than I was. I will not pay you so egregious a compliment. I will say you possess the same bountiful share of recommendations. In that case I beseech you, _mon cher_ animal, not to allow your brain to be affected by the popular incense that at present is being burnt under your admired nostrils. It is ever the fickle taste of Fashion to forget to-morrow the idols it is worshipping to-day. Believe me, and I speak as one who is both a hippopotamus and a brother, you will be as little run after, as little cared about this time next year, as I now am. At present you are _un charmant hippopotame_, the _feted_ curiosity of the moment; wait another twelvemonth, and they will say of you, as they do of me, that you are nothing better than a great pig, or, worse still, they will call you probably, in their insulting vernacular, '_un gros cochon_'. Ponder, be wise, and don't grow too conceited.

"Such is the affectionate advice of

"_Mon cher Hip_, your old _camarade du Nil_,

"THE HIPPOPOTAMUS (_of the Zoological Gardens_).

"P.S. Will you believe it, the fashionable world is now running, 'like mad,' after two little monkeys they call _Aztecs_? The ladies actually kiss them! It makes one sick merely to think of it."

* * * * *

FEARFUL ACCIDENT TO A GREAT CIVIC AUTHORITY.

The _Times_, in describing the late accident on the Great Northern Railway, assures us, first, that the LORD MAYOR escaped with a trifling injury, but on the next day informs us that his Lordship continues "to swallow with difficulty." As his Lordship was on his way to the Cutlers' Feast, and as his Lordship's tenure of office ceases on the 9th November, _Punch_ does not see how the _Times_ can reconcile its first with its second statement.

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH IN CHINA.