Chapter XXXII: Letter XLIII (12)

* * * * *

LIFE AND DEATH ASSURANCE.

Among our Provident Institutions are Life Assurance Societies for Parents, which are Death Assurance Societies for Children. They are otherwise called Coffin Clubs. They engage to find the money for the coffin: the subscriber, father or mother, finds the occupant for it--by murder.

The Grand Jury at the Liverpool Assizes has expressed its opinion that the temptation thus afforded should be destroyed by law. That might be done, perhaps, by prohibiting the club from paying anybody on account of a death but the undertaker. But what need of such clubs at all?

Such clubs are necessary to protect the poor from being ruined by a heavy expense. But why the heavy expense? When I have shuffled off this mortal coil--what does it want, except to be put reverently underground? Cannot that be done for a very small sum of money? Why is it not done on reasonable terms? Simply because the mode of doing it is not reasonable. Its performance is attended with a useless sacrifice of furniture--necessitated by the tyranny of custom--to show what is falsely termed "proper respect." Proper respect is affectionate memory--not furniture.

Should I want "proper respect" to be shown to my leg, if I had the misfortune to lose it, by having it enclosed in an ornamental box, and deposited in a subterranean apartment, with a large expenditure in wages, coach-hire, silk, and crape, and feathers extracted from the tail of a great bird? If the leg is not to be treated with such "proper respect," why is the trunk?

The rich show "proper respect" by means of ostrich feathers and such like. The poor are obliged to follow their lead as far as they can--and farther. Hence Coffin Clubs--whence infanticide.

Superior Classes, every nail that you drive to show "proper respect," is an incentive to child-murder.

* * * * *

THEORY AND PRACTICE.

CARDINAL WISEMAN, in his interview with the POPE, promised his Holiness, that in a few years there would not be a single heretic in England. Of course this is only "theor-heretically speaking," but we are afraid the CARDINAL will find the practice quite another thing.

* * * * *

THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French Crib.

* * * * *

THE WAITS TO THE CZAR.

Word of Peace!--on Earth first spoken nigh two thousand years ago,
Art thou at this moment broken?--and who dares belie thee so?
'Tis a tyrant, cruel, scheming, whose ambition takes the field
In the very name, blaspheming, which that message then revealed.

Frost and snow, keen Christmas weather, and the biting winter wind,
Bid us lovingly together huddle closely, all mankind;
Blood is on the Danube freezing; wounds are agonized with cold,
Only for the sake of pleasing one proud felon uncontrolled.

All good souls are now beseeching blessings on their fellow man,
But one savage, overreaching, brutal despot, thousands ban.
On the field of battle lying, torn and mangled for his whim,
Hear we not the tortured dying call down curses upon him?

Nations now like kindly neighbours should, as round the Yule log, close.
Must we take to guns and sabres? Will the tyrant make us foes?
Hear the wounded writhing under Cossack hoofs and lances then,
Gracious Heaven! and may the thunder of our cannon roar Amen!

* * * * *

ORIGINALITY.

Originality (says GOETHE) provokes originality; and we must say, that at Billingsgate, and in the House of Commons, the provocation sometimes is exceedingly strong. The smallest provocation we know of the kind is in the British drama; in fact so small is it, that we doubt if it amounts to any provocation at all. We only wish some one would provoke somebody else to write an original play, by writing one first himself.

* * * * *

THE GOLDEN AGE OF LIFE.--Youth is the season for active exertion; and all those who emigrate to the Diggings ought to be Minors.

* * * * *

_Legal Gentleman._ "HM! NOT A BAD GLASS OF PORT FOR A COUNTRY INN."

_Boots._ "NOA, ZUR, I THINKS THEY MEAKES THUR OWN WINE HERE. I _KNAW_ THEY BREE-EWS."]

* * * * *

"WHY, YOU SEEM QUITE WRETCHED, FRANK!"

"WETCHED, MY BOY! AH, YOU MAY IMAGINE HOW WETCHED I AM, WHEN I TELL YOU I DON'T EVEN CARE HOW MY TWOWSERS ARE MADE!"]

* * * * *

THE CAB QUESTION IN A NEW LIGHT.

Dirty carriage--wretched horse,
Driver insolent and coarse;
Prompt with ruffianly air
To extort a double fare.
If your rights you would maintain,
And to Magistrate complain,
Bullied by a Counsel brought
To abuse you in the Court,
For the dirty business paid
By the union of the trade,
Who can penalties afford
From results of frequent fraud--
Gentle Public, if you'd shun
Fifty nuisances in one,
Write it down on memory's slab,
"Never take a London Cab!"

Gentle Public, come with me,
And another picture see.
Handsome carriage--decent horse--
Driver neither rude nor coarse;
For the same as Cabman's fare,
Prompt to take you anywhere.
If appearance you'd maintain,
There's no reason to complain;
To your door the Clarence brought,
Fit to drive you, e'en to Court.
Gentle Public, tell me why
Don't you patronise a Fly?

* * * * *

CHURCH CANNONS.

A DR. CHURCH has invented some pieces of artillery which load at the breech; and two of them have been tried at Woolwich with perfect success. In these days, when ecclesiastical authority is so greatly at a discount, we are glad to recognise a CHURCH whose cannons are a hit. We believe that these cannons cost much less than the average of cathedral dignitaries.

* * * * *

CHRISTMAS PRESENCE.

_Presence of Matter._ In the Court of Common Council.

_Presence of Mind._ In _Punch's Almanack!_

* * * * *

THE HANWELL COOKERY BOOK.

So much progress has been made in that humane treatment of insane persons, which allows them to follow their ordinary callings and pursuits, that nearly all the in-door work of many lunatic asylums is now performed by the patients.

Thus at Hanwell there are lunatic gardeners who keep their parterres and greenhouses in a most rational state of order and neatness, and we have not heard that the cracked violinist, to whose music his poor companions are allowed to dance, is in the habit of mixing up "Pop goes the Weasel" with the Dead March in Saul, or committing any similar instrumental vagary, as many might expect. Encouraged by the success of the gardening, washing, ironing, tailoring, and other experiments, the Directors of this noble establishment have recently attempted to extend this employment of the insane to the higher branches of household economy--including the great mystery of the kitchen.

But insane cookery, to judge of the specimens of the Hanwell _cuisine_ which are now before us, does not seem likely to turn out so well as the simpler arts to which the presence of the wits does not appear absolutely indispensable. It is to be feared that the digestions of the inmates of the asylum might be seriously impaired by such dishes as the following:--

_Soufflet a la Bombardino._

Take three-quarters of a pound of Dorking lime, two ounces of the best saltpetre, and a coffee-cup full of tin tacks. Beat well together with a whisk, bake for seven minutes and a quarter; add a few horse-chestnuts, a handful of cow's hair, and a gill of lemon juice. If the cook be a dissenter, or have secretly married the butler, the lemon juice may be omitted.

_Apoplectic Jelly._

Take four hundred kangaroo's eggs, and when the water is hot simmer gently, stirring in dandelion leaves one by one: strain all through a thin deal board, and set it by in a pint basin to cool. This will keep for any length of time (if DR. CONOLLY is not allowed to look at it), and will serve as a vegetable for sick people or young children. If not sweet enough, add some indigo and a pound of steel-filings.

_Oltenitza Pudding._

Take some old Russia duck and shred it in a stew-pan with as much water as you can pour in without putting the fire out. When the feathers are loose pluck them out carefully, and mince with forced meat for garnish. Put in half a tablespoonful of salt, a bunch of chopped straw, and a little grated pumice-stone, then add the rice. Sweeten to your taste, dress with your garnish, and serve in a napkin. A few tea-leaves sprinkled over, will make it look more inviting. If anybody comes into the kitchen while the stew-pan is on the fire, put it under the table.

_Methuselah Fritters._

Have some castor-oil boiling, slice three large heads of mangel-wurzel, and put them in your castor-oil till quite crisp. Try them with your finger. If done enough they will burn you. Add three oysters, a nutmeg, a teacupful of brown sugar, and a capsicum. If more flavour is wanted, you may add a tablespoonful of Bath brick. Serve up hot on a gridiron. If for a second course, tripe may be substituted for the mangel-wurzel, but oil of vitriol is preferable.

_Croquettes a la Conolly._

Steal a marrow-bone from which the marrow has been taken out, and burn it till charred. Then scrape it into a butter-boat, with two spring onions minced, an oyster-shell, and a quarter of a pound of dry glue. Put up in shapes, and let it stand till it is mouldy. Have some treacle cold, and when it boils, dip your croquettes in it one after another, and serve up in the middle of next week. If made with marine glue they require more care, but will eat all the crisper. The yolks of two shop-eggs may be added, but this is a matter of taste, and unless the eggs are very stale they will give your croquettes too nutty a flavour. Some roll the croquettes in the ashes, but this is not to be recommended, unless where there are foreigners at table and a man servant is kept.

* * * * *

SERJEANT ADAMS ON A KNOTTY POINT.

MR. SERJEANT ADAMS occasionally makes sensible remarks. In the course of the other day, for instance, alluding to some misrepresentation of his opinions on the system of flogging, which had got abroad, he is reported to have said that

"He had for years watched the progress of that system, and had had
ample opportunities of doing so, on account of so many children
tried before him; and he had so frequently found that the
commencement of a child's criminal history was with three days'
imprisonment and a whipping, and after that beginning the child so
constantly came back to this court, that his mind quite revolted
from passing a sentence involving whipping at all."

"Give a young thief a whipping, and have done with him," is a very common prescription of Common Sense for the cure of juvenile delinquency. Common Sense, however, sometimes jumps to conclusions which are not verified. Common Sense uttered predictions concerning gas and steam, which have not come to pass. And the views of Common Sense concerning discipline for youthful offenders are perhaps rather too summary. "Give the young thief a whipping"--very good. The thing is done with small expenditure of time and material. It does not take many minutes: it is attended only with a slight wear of whipcord: cost you a farthing, as MR. PEPYS would have said: and a certain laceration of human integument, cost you absolutely nothing. You lose nothing whatever in raw material. Therefore inflict the whipping on the young thief. And have done with him? Ah! "If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly." But it appears that you won't have done with him. On the contrary, after that beginning, the child constantly comes back to this court, as ASSISTANT-JUDGE ADAMS says. After all, is it not manifest even to Common Sense--if Common Sense will exert itself--that to attempt the reformation of a child--and for what else would you punish a child?--by whipping him, is really beginning at the wrong end? The application of the scourge belongs to the operative part--the surgery--of the treatment of criminals; and operations should be resorted to only when all other remedies have failed. Primarily, the whip lacerates the skin; but the laceration is succeeded by hardening of the part that was lacerated; but not only by that: by the induration, also, of any amount of heart that the patient may previously have been endowed with. After such a beginning, no wonder that he comes back to this court or that. No: the lash is a valuable application, so is lunar caustic, so is lapis infernalis, or the actual cautery itself. But reserve it for desperate cases. Resort to it only in those of subjects that have lost all sensibility to every other appeal. Keep stripes for the ruffian who savagely maltreats his wife; for the hopeless brute, for the irreclaimable blackguard. And administer them to him in such a dose that he will not readily come back to any court to have it repeated. But a little whipping is a dangerous thing. It degrades and brutalises without subduing. You must lash a human being like a hound if you want to conquer him as you would conquer a hound--and it surely would be rather too severe to carry flagellation to that extent with juvenile offenders. It is not fair, moreover, to use the rod till you have first tried the schoolmaster.

* * * * *

VERY UNSEASONABLE INTELLIGENCE.

One of "Our own Correspondents," speaking of the recent disaster at Sinope, rather startles us with the announcement that

"Turkey for the present is unquestionably worsted."

If this be literally the fact, we only hope our country friends will postpone their usual hampers until Turkey is itself again.

* * * * *

SEASONABLE INCONSISTENCE.

A jovial young printer of our acquaintance having declared the other evening that he had left off work, was found under the misletoe a little later most busily employed in printing kisses.

* * * * *

UNEVENHANDED JUSTICE.

Our old friend, SIR PETER LAURIE, in his recent modest letter to the _Times_ upon the legal (as well indeed as social, moral, and in universal) worth and excellence of our Aldermen, marks with a special note of admiration the gratifying fact, that the number of acquittals from our City Police Courts falls considerably below the usual percentage. Recollecting SIR PETER'S old propensity for "putting down," we are in some degree prepared to find that such a fact as this should be a matter of rejoicing with him. SIR PETER clearly holds that the proof of the trial is in the finding guilty, and he has, doubtless, but a low opinion of those judicial courts where mercy is allowed to "season justice." "The rigour of the law" is clearly no unmeaning phrase in SIR PETER LAURIE'S eyes: indeed, we almost doubt if _Judex damnatur cum innocens absolvitur_ be not in reality his first legal maxim.

Whatever SIR PETER'S present faults may be, there is no denying that he has rid himself of an old one. We cannot certainly accuse him of tenacity of opinion, when he shows himself so evidently prone to conviction.

* * * * *

CLERICAL TABLE-TURNERS AND SPIRIT-RAPPERS.

Clerical gentlemen are going about the country, giving entertainments, and making exhibitions of themselves, in connection with table-turning, spirit-rapping, and other freaks of furniture. The usual places of amusement, such as the concert-rooms and lecture-theatres are being occupied by clergymen, who admit the public at fixed prices to hear, but unfortunately not to see, the wonders on which they expatiate. By way of EXTRA ATTRACTION FOR THE HOLIDAYS we recommend any one of the Reverend Mountebanks to go the whole hog, or rather the whole ma-hog-any, by taking some establishment suited to scenes in the circle, and giving an entertainment, with a programme something resembling the following:--

THEATRE ROYAL ANYWHERE.

General combination of Table-turning talent. By a happy concurrence of fortuitous events, the REVEREND SAMPSON SPOONEY, the REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE, and the REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE are now in London together and will have the honour of appearing in conjunction with the

MOST SPLENDID STUD OF HIGHLY-TRAINED TABLES.

For a few evenings, during Christmas, SAMPSON SPOONEY in his rapid act of horsemanship on the

WILD TABLE OF THE NEW CUT.

This astounding table will dash through an open window, spin round for a quarter of an hour, and conclude its wonderful performance by leaping out of the circle, with the REVEREND SAMPSON SPOONEY hanging on to its castors.

To be followed by the

REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE AS THE COURIER OF EXETER HALL,

On six dining-tables in full gallop, all of which will take an astounding leap over each other's backs; and conclude by throwing a succession of somersets over a sideboard.

In the course of the evening, the

REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE, IN THE HAUTE ECOLE,

will introduce his

FAVORITE AND HIGHLY-TRAINED TABLE "ROSEWOOD,"

which will dance the _Valse a Deux Temps_, go round the circle on three legs and terminate its graceful evolutions by a marvellous display of sommersaults.

The entertainments will finish with a pleasing act by MASTERS JAWBONE and SPOONEY, the celebrated juvenile prodigies, on a pair of card-tables. The intervals of the performances will be filled up by the solemn mummeries of the celebrated clerical buffoon, the REVEREND TIMOTHY TWIST, assisted by a Deathless Clown from Drury Lane, and other available talent.

* * * * *

"UNE BONNE BOUCHE."--When a young lady says her heart is in her mouth. (_Hem! Hem!_)

* * * * *

CATCHING PEOPLE'S EYES.

Compassionating the exceeding difficulty to which advertisers seem to be reduced, at this period of the year (when, as there are, of course, no Christmas bills coming in, one's wives and children ought to be reminded to make onslaughts upon the marital and paternal purse), _Mr. Punch_ has kindly prepared, and hereby places at the disposal of the mercantile interest, a variety of advertisement headings calculated to attract the eye. Any person using any of them will enclose samples of his wares (carriage free, or porterage paid), to No. 85, Fleet Street.

* * *

A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOR EVER, an exquisite remark which would
have derived additional force from the fact, if it had ever
happened, that the POET KEATS, on the day he penned it had tasted
the delicious Dairyfed Pork, sold by &c.

* * *

WILL MR. DISRAELI TAKE OFFICE? is a question asked by many, and
answered by many others, according to their political views. But
there would be no question at all, whether, if the article were
placed before him, MR. DISRAELI, whose taste is unrivalled, would
take our Potted Bloaters, price One Shilling, and to be had only,
&c.

* * *

THE RUSSIAN FLEET HAS SUNK in the estimation of Europe since ADMIRAL
BOTCHAMOFF refused to victual it with our pressed Beef. Surely this
will raise the Beef in the regard of all true Britons, who have only
to apply at No. &c.

* * *

LORD JOHN RUSSELL HAS HAD A FIT.--To be sure he has, and you may
have a fit too, if you will have the good sense to clothe yourself,
as his Lordship does, at the establishment of SMOUCH Brothers,
Tailors, &c. &c.

* * *

HUSBANDS! BEAT YOUR WIVES, that is, if you can, in the struggle to
make home happy. You will have the best chance of succeeding, by
presenting them with scrubbing brushes, tooth brushes, nail brushes,
hair brushes, bottle brushes, blacking brushes, bonnet brushes,
paint brushes, and other domestic comforts, from Bristles and Co.,
at &c.

* * *

THE CHURCH IS IN DANGER!--No, not while her Ministers do their duty.
But those who go to church, this weather, are in great danger of
catching severe colds unless they wear Furs, and these can be best
obtained at &c.

* * *

MURDER!--This very objectionable practice will never be persevered
in by any person who will peruse the new and startling Novel of the
"Tinderbox and the Tombstone," now publishing in TRASH'S Weekly
Miscellany, price One Penny.

* * *

YOU DID IT! I SAW YOU.--And seeing you made me do it, and I will
never again omit to do it every Saturday night of my life, Ma'am.
"Do it--do what?" Can you ask? Buy Tallow Candles at DIPPS'S,
Tottenham Court Road, &c.

* * *

THE LOVELY YOUNG LAVINIA ONCE HAD FRIENDS, and would have preserved
them to this day, if, when she had them to dinner she had abstained
from giving them deleterious compounds, which made them drop her
acquaintance, and had caused them to drink the Sparkling Pale Ale,
sold by &c.

* * *

THE TIMES NEWSPAPER HAS STOPPED--Yes, and we hope it will continue
to stop the mouth of many an impudent pretender, especially any one,
should he arise, who should pretend that BUGGINS'S Patent Warming
Pans are not one-third cheaper, two-thirds handier, three-thirds
neater, and four-thirds lighter than any other. To be had at &c.

* * *

YOUR WIFE HAS BOLTED.--She has indeed bolted the front door,
thinking that you are not coming home to-night. But you will return,
and the poor thing will be roused from her first sleep, and have to
come down in the cold to let you in, for as for waking that EMMA,
you might as well try to arouse LORD ABERDEEN to a sense of the
honour of England. Why, then, not save your wife's health by
furnishing your door with one of TUMBLER AND CO.'S Latch Locks? To
be seen in action at &c.

* * *

GREAT FIRE IN THE PALACE.--"And a very good one, too," as Her
Majesty was graciously pleased to remark, desiring H. R. H. the
PRINCE OF WALES to let the poker alone, as with Coals at two pounds
a ton, he must not be extravagant. Matrons of England, learn a
lesson of economy from the first Lady of the Land, and show that you
have done so by ordering your Coals at SLATES AND COMPANY, Whiteash
Wharf.

* * *

THE THAMES IS FROZEN OVER.--When this announcement is made, the next
thing will be that an Ox will be roasted whole on the ice. Without
approving a proceeding which is rather silly and usually a failure,
WOBBLES AND CO. must say, that their Patent Roasting Jacks (price
Eleven and Eightpence) will perform the feat, if any invention can,
and, in the meantime, will roast anything else, from a Plover to a
Pig.

* * *

NEVER GO TO A THEATRE, at least not without one of WINDUM'S Air
Cushions, which afford so luxurious a seat that you will be able to
enjoy most performances, and almost to endure the deathless Clown
without much annoyance.

* * *

MR. HARRISON AINSWORTH is quite well.--This circumstance will
gratify that gentleman's myriad admirers, and their satisfaction
will be complete when they are informed that, not only MR.
AINSWORTH'S masterly works, but those of all other writers of
celebrity, are bound by VELLUM AND TOOLEY, corner of Bobchurch Lane,
upon the most reasonable terms, and with the greatest expedition.

* * *

A CLERGYMAN HUNG, with protracted admiration, over a M.S. of the
eleventh century, found in the Bodleian Library at Oxford, and at
last remarked, "I never saw such beautiful illumination, except,"
added the Reverend Gentleman, with that adherence to truth so
honourably characteristic of the cloth, "except by means of the
Sinefuliginous Percolating Adumbrellant Lamps, which, by the way, I
perceive may now be procured, Wholesale and Retail, of all dealers,
and also at the Manufactory at Walworth."

* * *

A NEW PLAY BY SHAKSPERE, if now produced, would probably be called
"slow" by one writer, "ill-constructed," by a second and as "not in
accordance with the time," by a third. More reverent judges would
say that it contained the true Gold, that there were real Gems in
it, and the Springs of action were seen in perfect working. Any one
who should apply the above unfavourable opinion to BUNK'S Watches
(warranted) would libel those masterpieces, but the terms of
approbation, which we have said would be used towards SHAKSPERE,
exactly characterise the Watches sold by BUNK at &c.

* * *

PALMERSTON HAS TAKEN POISON out of the London Atmosphere, so far as
his admirable Smoke Prevention Act enables his Lordship to do. Eager
to second his Lordship in promoting the purity of the metropolis,
MESSRS. BORAX AND CO. respectfully recommend their White Curdy Soft
Windsor Antigrimeopolis Soap, in packets of One and Sixpence, to be
procured, &c.

* * * * *

A TRUMPET WITH A COLD.

The Sommerophone is a wonderful instrument, and MR. SOMMER ought to have the benefit of every publicity for his statement, that a certain defect remarked in its utterance the other night, during the frost, occurred, not, as was surmised, from any deficiency of understanding between himself and it, "but entirely through the severity of the weather, which," MR. SOMMER adds, "as all musicians well know, has a most detrimental effect on all brass instruments (particularly such as mine)." It thus appears that the alleged misunderstanding between MR. SOMMER and his instrument was a mere coolness on the part of the latter only. The notes seem to have been partially frozen in; and if, during the subsequent thaw, any of them came out again, as in a memorable instance, perhaps MR. SOMMER will state the circumstance. Possibly, as the Sommerophone had got a cold, it would have completed its solo later in the evening in question, if its proprietor had given it a basin of gruel and put it into hot water before going to bed. We have no doubt of the truth of that gentleman's assertion as regards most brass instruments; but he is mistaken in extending it to all. It has not been observed in the House of Commons that cold weather particularly affects the tone of the POPE'S Brass Band.

We knew that vocalists were liable to colds, and other contingencies of climate; but this is the first time we ever heard of a musical instrument being subject to fits of indisposition. If apologies are henceforth to be accepted for trumpets, ophecleides, and other brazen instruments, as well as for tenors and sopranos, we shall be constantly troubled with excuses on behalf of some capricious trombone seized suddenly with an affection of the windpipe, and, in the trombone, the pipe through which the wind is conveyed is of a somewhat delicate texture. The Professor threatens that his next performance shall be accompanied by a full orchestra; but if it should happen that all the brazen instruments are suffering from bronchial or any other affection of their tubes, the result will be far from agreeable.

* * * * *

FIFTY THOUSAND CURES

Of drowsiness, dejection, dolour, dulness, depression, ennui, ill-humour, indigestion (mental) from political or other reading, loss of temper, low spirits, melancholy, moroseness, mental anxiety (as, for instance, on a railway journey), sulks, stupefaction (by a debate in Common Council), sleepiness, spleen, general used-upishness, and many other complaints, have already been effected by the use of _Punch's Almanack_, which is Sold by Everybody, and bought by the rest. The infant may take it as well as the adult, as it is warranted free from all impurity, and contains nothing hurtful to the weakest mental stomach.

* * * * *

ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget."

* * * * *

* * * * *

CHRISTMAS WAITS EXTRAORDINARY.

(_From our own Reporter._)

There are some remarkable additions to the usual Waits this year, which the papers have uniformly neglected to notice. As Corrector-General of the Press, it devolves on _Mr. Punch_ of course to supply the omission. Half a moment's reflection will, he thinks, convince any of his readers who would be styled "intelligent," that--

There's the EARL OF ABERDEEN Waiting--for the protracted war which will result most probably from his protracted peace policy.

There are the Rotten Boroughs Waiting--for the expected Reform Bill which is to put them in good odour.

There are the Inhabitants of London (and twenty miles about it) Waiting--for the extinction of that truly burning shame, the City Coal-Tax.

There are the Keepers of the Betting-shops Waiting--to evade the recent Act which apparently has shut them up.

There are the Women of England Waiting--for a law that will _effectually_ protect them against brutal assaults.

There are the English Tourists Waiting--for hotels where they may enter without being let in.

There's many an English Operative Waiting--to find that his strike is in the end a heavy blow to him.

There's many an English Curate Waiting--to find that his income will exceed a London footman's.

There are the Readers at the Museum Waiting--for the end of the world, or that of the catalogue.

There's the Corporation of London Waiting--to be crushed by the Commission which is now sitting on them.

There's the Emperor of Russia Waiting--for the spring which will enable him to jump into Turkey.

And finally, there's _Mr. Punch_ himself Waiting--very pleasantly on The Universe with his Twenty-fifth Volume.

* * * * *

WHAT IS THE WORLD LIKE?--Why, the world is like a stubble-field--in which the greatest geese generally pick up most of the golden grains.

* * * * *

MISSISSIPPI BREAKING HER BONDS.

Bind the woolly-haired slave, tarred with Nature's own brush,
With base manacles load him; with vile shackles crush,
He has no right to kick off his fetters, not he,
But Bonds didn't ought to encumber the Free!

Let Europe's old monarchies labour and groan
Beneath the hard burden and weight of a Loan!
To be sure, though, Spain _has_ had the courage to get
The directest way out of the irons of debt.

Cut 'em through--that's the plan--as you'd sever a stick--
It don't take but one stroke, and 'tis done smooth and slick;
Hurl the bits off to fly on the wild winds afar!
Unless you keep one just to light a cigar.

For they are but paper--is paper to bind
The young Eagle to Earth, when to soar he's a mind?
He will snap the weak chain the first instant he springs
With the sun in his eye and the steam in his wings.

Loss of credit! what's that to the souls who rely
On themselves, and the hiss of the world can defy?
What is debt? Don't the talented EMERSON say
We have got other debts, besides money, to pay?

We reckon those other debts due first to fall,
The cash debt's the one which we'll pay last of all;
That's the genuine rule by which true Genius goes
In settling the endless account which it owes.

From the glorious fact, that our bonds we have bust,
Let mankind learn the lesson of thorough self-trust,
Though our sister States credit may cease to obtain,
And no mortal will trust Mississippi again!

* * * * *

A THOUGHT PICKED OUT OF THE COAL-SCUTTLE.--Vices are like coals--the more they are screened, the more the larger ones show.

* * * * *

_Palmerston._ "I'LL JUST FRIGHTEN THEM A LITTLE."]

* * * * *

* * * * *

Abode of Bliss (An), 113

Affair with the (Knightsbridge) Caffres (An), 154

Age of Compliments (The), 138

Agricultural Bruisers, 245

Agricultural Inquisition, 207

Alarming Accident, 137

Alarming Discovery (An), 218

Alarming Railway Accident, 95

Albert Statue Movement (The), 212

Alderman's Hope (The), 263

All my Eye and Beate Martin, 131

American Joke Explained (An), 262

Another and Another Still Succeeds, 148

Another Ghost, 145

Another Insult to Ireland, 37, 152

Another Insult from the Saxon, 124

Another Irish Grievance, 12

Another Money Question, 153

Another Rupture with France, 12

Albany for the Million (An), 223

Aristocracy and its Antipodes, 198

Arms of England (The), 178

Australian Clipper (An), 113

Autocrat's Anthem (An), 233

Bad Beer with a Good Name, 54

Bar and the Liberty of Conscience (The), 224

Barristers of England (The), 215

Battle of Spithead (The), 73

Best Christian (The), 108

Betting House Deputation (The), 62

Big Brother of Mercy (A), 30

Bishop in Distress (A), 107

Bishop on "Things Solid" (A), 206

Bones of Paganini (The), 143

Bore at the British Museum, 19

Bounce of a Pistol (The), 83

Breaking-up Day, 89

Bricks, 43

Bright City (A), 227

Britannia's Safety Belt, 176

British Consulate at Boulogne (The), 101

British Obsequies in Spain, 93

British Reasons for Boulogne Address, 136

Bully Bottom, 165

Burglary and Bronchitis Prevented, 192

Cabman, and his Good and Evil Report, 54

Cabman and his Pint of Stout (A Fable), 60

Cabman's Best Friend (The), 40

Cabman's Protest against the Hinjustice of the Hact (A), 70

Cab Question in a New Light (The), 265

Calico Calembourg (A), 221

Canvas Towns, 3

Carol on Caroline Chisholm (A), 71

Carving his Way to Iniquity, 42

Case of Clean Hands (A), 151

Catching People's Eyes, 267

Chagrin for Old Commodores, 29

Character in a Blue-bag, 4

Charity for Churchmen, 262

Chaunt (A), 113

Chaunt for the Choused (A), 183

Cheap Lightning Postage, 207

Chelsea Ghost (The), 115, 134

China and Back in no Time, 108

Choking in the Army, 13

Christmas Waits Extraordinary, 268

City coaxing the Crown (The), 197

City Inquisition (The), 216

City without Smoke (A), 124

Civic Simplicity, 147

Civil Cabman's Sauce (A), 81

Civil (very civil) War at Chobham, 3

Claims of Scotland (The), 186

Classicalities of the Coinage, 125

Clergymen in the Farce of "Turning the Tables", 256

Clerical Table-Turners and Spirit-Rappers, 258

Clever Clown Nuisance (The), 222

Close Contrivance at Winchester (A), 197

Cloth and the Plush (The), 123

Clowns of the New School, 213

Coagulated Horde (A), 53

Cobden on Evil Spirits, 214

Coming Struggle (The), 174

Confounded Bully (A), 251

Consultation "in articulo", 115

Cool Dog (A), 53

Corporation Table Talk, 246

Cotton Afloat, 118

Courtesy and Controversy, 215

Crown of Hungary (The), 142

Crown of St. Stephen (The), 147

Cruel King Coal, 202

Cruel treatment of the Poor and Lowly, 195

Crystal Nunneries, 3

Cure for a Cut, 77

Cure for Smoky Children, 217

Cure for the Conscience-Money Mania, 50

Curiosities of the Cattle Show, 247

Curious association of Ideas, 214

Danubian Homicide, 221

Daughter of the Camp (A), 27

Dear Entertainment for Dear Creatures, 133

Debate on the Hudson Question, 254

Decimal Coinage, 101

Demon of the Cupboard (The), 206

Determined Duellist (A), 32

Did you Ever? 171

Diddlesex Sessions (The), 222

Dignity of Trade (The), 223

Disappointed Director, a Fable (The), 121

Discounter's Dirge (The), 40

Disraeli's Coat and Badge, 125

Dolours of St. Dunstan's, 187

Domestic Results of the Camp, 20

Done Brown Again, 215

Donkey and a Mayor (A), 232

Doom of Westminster Bridge (The), 79

Dr. Cantwell's Income-Tax made Easy, 188

Drat the Eastern Question, 177

Dream of a Bagpipe (The), 158

Dye of Guilt (The), 188

Eagles at a Discount, 173

Earl King (The), 31

Ecclesiastical Auction Mart (The), 29

Editorial Candour, 136

Elections with Accompaniments, 21

Emperor at Boulogne (The), 151

Enemy (The), 91

English Hippopotamus to the French Ditto (The), 116

Enterprising Undertakers, 17

El Verdadero Descubrimiento D'Iximaya, 81

Etruscan Pattern (The), 162

Every Convict his own Chesterfield, 194

Evil Eyesight, 114

Exchange Chimes (The), 236

Exit Brooke--Enter Barry, 176

Expense of Making a Baron (The), 241

Facts for Cockney Naturalists, 246

Fallacy of Externals (The), 178

Farewell to the Camp, 92

Fashion and Influenza, 238

Fashionable Epidemic (The), 79

Fashionable Zoological Star (The), 255

"Fast" Literature, 144

Fast Men of Edinburgh (The), 192

Fat of the Land and Lambeth, 136

Festivities in Southwark, 162

Fighting Frewen and Sober Shelley, 90

Fine Old English Innkeeper (The), 177

Flourishing Business (A), 20

Flowers of the Towzery Plant, 104

Flushing a Sewer (A Citizen's Dream), 208

Fortune Tellers for Nations, 187

Freebooter of the Castle (The), 151

French Feast of the Poets (A), 201

French "Fusion" (The), 233

French Ties and Dynas-ties, 136

Friends of Cabmanity, 59

Fumigation of the Thames, 91

Further particulars, 157

Fusion of the Beerbung Cousins (The), 237

Game in the East (The), 50

Gare la Garotte, 253

Gardens without a Waterpot, 9

God Hymen to the Demi-God Punch (The), 193

God of Russia (The), 211

God of the Russians (The), 176

Gold Found in England, 33

Good Hater of Blue Stockings (A), 253

Goose Club (The), 186

Grand Dramatic Apres Dejeuner, 157

Grand Scena from Oberon, 154

Great and Little Sportsmen, 108

Great Anchovy Case (A), 221

Great Cab Reform (The), 17

Great Catches, 101

Great Chobham Campaign, 47

Great Cure and Small Pay, 114

"Great Globe Itself" (The), 124

Great Indian Fact (The), 7

Great Jew Meeting, 48

Growl from the Scottish Lion (A), 63

Guillotine in China (The), 114

Hanover in Bronze, 195

Hanwell Cookery Book (The), 265

Hard Dealing with a Hawker, 254

Hardest of all Swearing (The), 4

Ha'porths of Philosophy, 151

Hat-Moving Trick (The), 34

Help to Jewish Emancipation (A), 22

Heroes of a Hundred Showers, 47

High Mettled Razor (The), 203

Hint from the Gallery (A), 10

Hint to Belgravia, Tyburnia, &c. (A), 92

Hint to Railway Rogues, 117

Hints for a New Edition of the Dramatists, 43

Hit at Two Houses (A), 82

Homoeopathy Superseded, 83

Hotel and Travelling Expenses, 171

House of Fame (The), 106

How Are we off for Soap?, 164

How Britannia Salutes her Babies, 174

How Ephraim Smug spoke against Police at the Vestry, and didn't persuade
People, 166

How Europe may be Saved, 201

How to Pay your Taxes, 147

How to See the Teeth of a Beautiful Young Lady, 261

How to Write the Biography of a Woman, 118

Howl from the Hippopotamus (A), 168

Imaginary Conversation, 214

Imaginary Playbill, 84

Impertinence of Science (The), 155

Important Meeting of Smoke-Makers, 80

Important Note and Query (An), 235

Improvements of London _v._ the Improvements of Paris, 166

In East and North, 196

Infallible Bubbles, 138

Infection Glebe, 176

Infinitesimal Logic, 22

Injudicious Patriot (An), 243

Inn-Fluenza (The), 161

Innkeeper Rhymer (The), 211

Inquisition at Malta (The), 92

Inspection of Cavalry by General Punch, 18

Institution of Our Spectre of Chelsea (The), 131

Iron Bars of Music, 126

James's Powder and his Squib, 183

Joke at the Public Expense (A), 37

Joke of the Session (The), 23

Joke that must be Felt (A), 136

Jolly Old Waterman (The), 49

Judges' Chambers (The), 201

Justice for London, 207

Justice to Scotland, 205

Kenilworth Church and Kenilworth Castle, 67

Kensington Bus-men (The), 52

Key to a Difficulty (A), 38

Key to the Russian Question (The), 17

King Cholera's Procession, 133

King Leopold Reports Progress, 211

King of the City (The), 205

Lament of the Portsmouth Slopseller (The), 51

Landlords' Meeting (The), 144

Larvae of the City of London, 167

Last Proclamation (The), 207

Last of the Paupers (The), 47

Lares and Penates for the Pothouse, 172

Law on its Last Legs, 23

Lawyers Abroad (The), 123

Le Grand Opera Enrhume, 143

Leading Articles for Old Ladies, 102

Left-off Clothes for the Colonies, 227

Legal Curiosity, 247

Letter and an Answer (A), 197

Letters from the Bosphorus, 187

Libel on the Prince of Wales, 172

Life and Death Assurance, 264

Likely Joke (A), 33

Lines on the Burial of a Protestant in Spain, 123

Lion Rampant Mad, 106

List of Indexes (A), 8

Literature at Low Water Mark, 185

Literary Millionaire (A), 168

Little Money Question (A), 142

Lord Mayor's Show for 1853 (The), 157

Lord Sidnee's Show, 204

Louis Napoleon at Boulogne, 115

Lover's Farewell to Pale Ale (The), 185

Love's Labour Lost at Limerick, 63

Lundy Foot Linguist (A), 164

Mad Cabman's Fare of Sixpence (The), 47

Mahogany Possessed, 152

Manchester School of Poetry (The), 241

Market and Trade Report, 42

Marriage in "Mediocre" Life, 181

Martin in Jack's Gown, 49

Meat for Mawworms, 8

Meeting of the Rabbits, 164

Middlesex Ballad (A), 228

Milestone Treadmill (The), 72

Military Intelligence, 39

Milky Way in Lancashire (The), 194

Mississippi breaking her Bonds, 268

Model Railway Meeting, 226

Modern Mythology, 155

Money-Market for Infant Minds (The), 104

Mornington's Challenge, 39

Moustache and Beard Movement (The), 226

Mr. Peterloo Brown's Examination of the Oxford Statutes, 68, 77

Mr. Punch in China, 117

Mr. Punch in Dublin, 1

Mrs. Jane Gimlet to Mrs. Judith Punch, 202, 234, 254

Mrs. Magnall's Historical Questions, 10

Music, Malt, and Hops, 187

Music-Seller's Opinion of France (A), 171

Musical Pump (A),123

Muff Dropped (A), 244

NAVAL Intelligence, 182

Neglected Scotland, 253

Nesselrode Pudding, 215

Neutrality in Plush, 133

New American Movement, 107

New Cab Act (The), 28, 53

New Chapter in the Romance of King Arthur (A), 58

New Department of Flunkeyism (A), 138

New Lactometer (A), 90

New Turn in the Temperance Movement (A), 2

New Zodiacal Light (A), 122

News from the Theatre of War, 228

Nicholas's Dream, 247

Noble Conduct of Cobden and Bright, 195

Nuisance (A), 121

Nuts for Notes and Queries, 38

OBITUARY a Little in Advance, 232

Obstructing the Pavement, 143

Ocean Melodies,121

Old Flag (The), 164

Old Lamp and a New One (An), 251

Oldest Chancery Suit in the World (The), 33

Omnibusian Song (An), 118

Opinions of our Contemporaries, 134

Originality, 264

Organ Boy's Appeal (The), 141

Our Ancient Nicholas, 38

Our Beautiful Fashions of the Present Day, 145

Our Bottle Holder, 261

Our City Article, 155

Our Honeymoon, 8, 11, 31, 41, &c.

Our Meteorological Report, 29

Our Muddy Metropolis, 53

Our Quarter's Account, 21

Our Rupture with Russia, 14

Our Shabby Contemporaries, 147

Our Tourist in Paris, 94, 105, 122, 126, &c.

Our Young Lady at Spithead, 79

PALMERSTON'S Notices to Correspondents, 203

Palmerston Perplexed, 247

Papa to his Heir, 23

Parliamentary Bulletin, 74

Parochial Mudlarks, 153

Parsons and Doctors, 173

Parson's Parliament (The), 154

Passports improved, 73

Pat's Welcome to the Reaping-Machine, 127

Paying Culprits through the Nose, 194

Paying Shot before Battle, 205

Pax Vobiscum, 43

Peace Spectacle in Scotland (The), 163

Peaceful Solicitor (A), 187

Pebbles picked up at the Sea-side, 132

Pedestrianism at St. Stephen's, 42

Pedestrianism very Extraordinary, 93

Penal Dancing for the Protection of Women, 236

Perspicuity of Red Tape (The), 223

Perversion of a Clergyman, 121

Petition from the Medical Profession, 60

Philosophy Teaching by Conumdrums, 43

Photographic Glimpses of the Moon, 173

Phrenological Organ Music, 253

Pius Pinguis, 181

Plague within our Gates (The), 146

Plain Fare at the Palace, 218

Plan of Simplification (A), 245

Plato, Gog and Magog, 183

Plato's Republic Perfect, 201

Playhouse Pegs, 193

Ploughboy's Doom, 102

Poetry for the Peace Conference, 173

Poisonous Puffs, 39

Potman and the Praetor (The), 37

Poor Shakspere, 112

Pope's Post Obit (The), 137

Popular Laurie Ballad (The), 67

Post Office London Directory (The), 213

Postal Economy at Glasgow, 217

Price of a Lord Mayor's Gown, 222

Pride of England (The), 191

Prince, Pigs, and Parasites, 248

Prince Punch to Prince Albert, 216

Prison Disciplinarians, 141

Prophets in the Parlour, 252

Proposals for a New Art of Puffing, 251

"Provided Always", 2

Public's Address to his Cabman (The), 44

Punch at a Royal Christening, 13

Punch and his Pippins, 253

Punch the only recognised Promoter of Literature, 197

Punch's Potato Prophecy, 125

QUEEN Christina in England, 118

Questionable Advertisements, 158

RAILWAY Dog (A), 173

Random Records of a Run through certain Continental Countries, 161

Reading the (Dramatic) Stars, 231

Real Reason (The), 262

Real Scottish Grievance (A), 225

Real Smoke Nuisance (The), 62

Re-christening of the Bosphorus (The), 27

Recovery from the Cabman's Strike, 59

Regular Nuisance (A), 198

Remarkable Self-Sacrifice, 113

Remarkable Tribute of Siderial Approbation, 221

Resource for Young Ladies,

Return to Duty (The), 64

"Revenons a nos Moutons", 205

Review of the Medical Line, 112

Roses of Sharon for Australia, 53

Royal Exchange Clock (The), 228

Royal Lunch Prevented (A), 174

Rural Self-Denial Clubs, 184

Russian Impudence, 84

Russian "Mouches" in Parliament, 163

Russian Reasons, 19

Russian Revolutionists, 231

SABBATARIAN Meeting at Glasgow, 82

Saint Cabbie!, 112

"Salad for the Solitary", 223

Sapphics of the Cabstand, 42

Scenes at the Judges' Chambers, 235

Scotch Peerage in Peril (The), 237

Scotland Humiliated, 244

Seamstress that won't Starve (A), 14

Serjeant Adams on a Knotty Point, 266

Shall Ladies have Votes?, 224

Shameful Intimidation of an Old Gentleman, 144

Shaving by Machinery, 185

She will be a Martyr, 183

Sheriff's Dinners at Newgate (The), 201

Shocking Language, 67

Shocking Low Church, 234

Shoe Lane Raleigh (A), 112

Short and Saponaceous, 134

Shortcoming in the City, 242

Soldier's Dream (The), 11

Signs made Symbols, 148

Signs of the Times, 153

Sing a Song of Sixpence, 84

Singing-Boys minus Sevenpence at St. Paul's, 184

Something in a Sign, 165

Something outrageous, 227

Song of the City Remembrancer (The), 227

Song of the Transplanted Shamrock, 131

Song--Ripeforajail, 69

Songs of the Geological Society, 214

Songs of the Mendicants, 48, 77

St. Cecilia and St. Helen, 238

St. Cross Stingo, 224

St. Luke's and St. Stephen's, 61

Special Review of the Fleet, 74

Spirited conduct of Mr. Charles Kean, 44

Spiritual Manifestations, 13

Sporting at Windsor, 196

Sporting Regiment (A), 181

Stanzas to Erin, 18

Statue to Albert (A), 245

Strike of the Wives of England, 60

Striking Circumstances, 67

Summer Promotions, 116

"Sure Derbyites", 21

Sure Symptoms of Christmas, 261

TABLE-TURNING and True Piety, 243

Tailor Assassin (The), 64

Taken for Granted, 227

Talleyrandism (A), 235

Tap on a Tub (A), 241

Tasking a Bishop's Face, 248

Tavern Experience, 131

Tea-Table Talk, 10

Tea-total Movement (The), 62

That Very Small (Political) Party, 143

Theatrical Novelties, 224

Thoughts on the Savage Lions of London, 38

Tight Blockade (The), 181

To Correspondents, 111

To Fight or not to Fight, 171

To Professor Faraday, 22

To the Noble Airl, 162

Trap to catch a Mooncalf (A), 132

Tremendous Effects of a Kiss, 153

Tricks, but not Honours, 231

Trouser Mind (The), 251

Trumpet of Battle (The), 158

Trumpet with a Cold (A), 266

Turtle Benevolent Association (The), 242

Two Portraits of the Czar, 206

UNPROTECTED Female in Want of a Cab (The), 57

Unevenhanded Justice, 266

"Upholsterer to the Monument" (The), 223

VEGETARIANS in the North, 73

Very Good of the Pope, 163

Vested Right, 137

Visit of the Thames and Medway to the Royal Commissioners, 235

"Vow of Poverty" (The), 176

WAITS to the Czar (The), 264

Walker, 113

Wanted, a Nobleman!, 61

Warning to Vegetarians (A), 113

Wash Wanted (A), 263

Waste of Sympathy (A), 49

"We never Sell Our Appointments", 93

What can the Police be About?, 50

What I Saw, Heard, and Thought, at Chobham, 32

What is a Cabman's Mile, 32, 69

What is Man? 201

What is the House of Keys? 34

What you may Hear in a Bell, 91

Where are the Russians? 218

Whiskey above Proof, 70

Whisper in the Ear of Nicholas (A), 77

Who sends all the Conscience-Money? 77

Whys for the Wise, 203

Wild Flowers from Canada, 33

Winchester Soup, 184

Witness on an Election Committee (A), 7

Woman's Elevation League (The), 52

Women's Rights--Men's Noses, 192

Wonders of the Deep, 67

"Woodman! Spare that Joke", 163

Words of Peace, 168

Words! words! words! 263

YACHT Signals, 183

End of Project Gutenberg's Punch - Volume 25 (Jul-Dec 1853), by Various