Chapter XXIX: Letter XLIII (9)

WILLIAM CURTIS, a tailor, according to the Police Reports, was brought the other day before the LORD MAYOR, at the Mansion House, for having cruelly beaten and attempted to murder his wife; who stated on evidence--which was corroborated by a policeman--that he ripped up her stays with a penknife, took the bone out of them, and beat her with the bone till it broke in three pieces; then beat her with her hair-brush, dragged her out of bed, tried to strangle her, and beat her again with a large square-cut stick--declaring that if she dared to call out for assistance he would dance upon her body.

The quadrille above-mentioned supplies a hint in regard to MR. CURTIS'S notion of a dance. MR. WILLIAM CURTIS is an uneducated man. He has not been taught how to behave himself to the gentler sex. He wants a little instruction in deportment, to which dancing should be added, as his ideas concerning that accomplishment are evidently barbarous. MR. CURTIS should have been sent to MR. CALCRAFT'S Dancing Academy, and there have been taught to dance with fettered heels to the smack of the lash resounding on his own bare back.

The LORD MAYOR consigned MR. CURTIS to Holloway Prison and hard labour for six months, to give him, as his Lordship said, an opportunity for reflection and repentance. But the dancing lessons--two, or even three, perhaps, would not have been too many--were wanting to render the reflection profitable and the repentance sincere. They would have given him an opportunity for reflecting on the nature of stripes and blows, and for repenting of having inflicted such injuries on a woman.

Another tailor, JAMES WRIGHT, also brought before the LORD MAYOR on the same day for the like offence, had hit his wife twice on the head with a sleeveboard, cutting open her skull in three places, had struck her with his fist in the face, and continued to knock her about for three or four minutes. At the Thames Police Office, likewise on the same day, JAMES CROPLEY, a Lancashire collier, was charged with committing an assault upon his wife, which consisted in felling her to the earth by dealing her a blow in the face with a heavy stick that knocked her nose flat. Six months' imprisonment and hard labour only, were the sentences on these gentlemen also. No blame to the MAYOR or the Magistrate. The law at present unfortunately does not empower them to enter such savages at the School of Correction for the extra of penal dancing.

Since these cases, others of similar atrocity have occurred, and continue to occur so frequently as to suggest the existence of a downright mania for wife-beating. In other forms of mania the whip has happily been disused; but it is the only cure for this. There is clearly no other help. Cure?--preventive we should rather say. Dastards--with the fear of the scourge before their eyes--have ceased to assail the Royal person, and would very soon begin to respect that of the mere female subject. Thus the possibility of being whipped would restrain them from rendering themselves liable to whipping; a consideration which quite conquers the repugnance one feels at the thought of lashing a human being--if such a phrase can be applied to a brute. Whipcord, therefore, would never, probably, have to whistle, or thong to crack, to the howl of any such ruffian after all: but, if occasion were given for such music, we must say our ears would not be too delicate to bear it.

The present HOME SECRETARY is evidently determined to keep his department in order, and may doubtless be depended upon for making Home tolerable to a poor woman, in as far as he can, by warranting her such protection as a cat-o'-nine-tails can afford against the ferocity of a brutal husband.

* * * * *

THAT'S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES.

A law-suit has lately been reported in all the papers, with the appropriate heading of "MONEY _versus_ MONEY." Considering that law is generally the madness of many for the gain of the few--namely the lawyers--we think Money against Money would be a good title to almost every cause that is tried.

* * * * *

THE LORDSHIP OF LONDON.

The pageant of the "LORD OF MISRULE" was one of the zanyisms of the middle ages. The thing, if not the name, still survives in the LORD MAYOR'S Show.

* * * * *

A DECIDED FOOL.--The man is a fool who, when asked for his candid opinion, gives it.

* * * * *

THE SCOTCH PEERAGE IN PERIL.

Scotland, having begun to complain of its wrongs, seems in danger of being inundated by incessant showers of grievances. We cannot be surprised that Scotland should itch to have her injuries redressed; and we have now another to add to the long catalogue of complaints that have recently issued from the North Britishers. The following paragraph from the _Spectator_ of last week brings to light a new calamity:--

"The floor of the picture gallery in Holyrood Palace is become so
rotten and unsafe, that when Peers assemble to elect a
representative, the greatest caution is requisite to prevent
disaster. The Commissioners of Woods and Forests are about to
provide the proper remedy of a new floor."

It is evident from the above account, that there is something very rotten in the foundation which the Scotch Peers have to rest upon. It would seem that when the Scotch lairds assemble to elect a representative, they are obliged to "tread softly," not because theirs is "hallowed ground," but because it is crumbling away like the rottenest specimen of a Pierage which the banks of the Thames, with its tottering tiers of worn-out barges, could furnish. We can imagine the heavy Scotch Peers proceeding to an election with such caution, as to be compelled to avoid every hole in the floor, lest any of them should inadvertently put their foot in it. We shall not be surprised to hear, some day, that when the members had assembled on the floor of the house for the despatch, of business, they went completely through with it.

* * * * *

THE "FUSION" OF THE BEERBUNG COUSINS.

(_From our Rotherhithe Correspondent._)

"I hasten to inform you of an event, which, if the estimate of the actors themselves is to be taken, will cause the utmost excitement throughout this country and the Continent. On this subject your readers will be judges--in a petty locality small things seem large--and the preternatural importance which is here given to it may deceive me into false calculations.

"You, like the rest of the world, are well aware that a feud of no ordinary virulence has subsisted between the elder and younger branches of the house of BEERBUNG, which so long supplied all the Publicans (and a good many of the sinners) to this locality, and indeed dictated to the magistrates of Limehouse, and defied the authorities of the Commercial Docks. You remember that when LEWIS BEERBUNG lost his license, and the 'King's Head' was shut up, things went on anyhow in the parish; everybody opened public-houses, keeping the shutters down Sunday and week-day alike, and at last we hardly knew whether our heads were on our shoulders or not. Then the military came in, and we got on better; and, subsequently, the other LEWIS BEERBUNG (who was given to oysters) and his brother, CHARLES DICKS, had the 'King's Head' again. DICKS took in preachers, and cheated in his measures, and at last ran off to Scotland; and then the house was let to a third LEWIS, who was son to the first LEWIS BEERBUNG'S younger brother, a very bad fellow, of whom JACK KETCH had the last accounts. The BEERBUNGS were always a queer set, and this third LEWIS, though a clever fellow, could not keep the house (which he had named the 'Pear and Umbrella'), but had to run for it, and was made bankrupt under the name of SMITH. Then the whole affair was altered: a committee was appointed to manage the house, which had a new sign, the 'Three Jolly Colours:' and since that the chairman has kicked out the rest of the managers, and has got the licence transferred to himself. The house is now the 'Bee and Bayonet,' and seems to be carried on to the satisfaction of the neighbourhood. Very good order is kept; the chairman, who was formerly in the Ham, and, indeed, sausage line, has married a very nice woman, and tries to keep friends with the most respectable people about. Indeed, his behaviour to a rich and rascally tallow-monger, who has been trespassing on the land of some poor neighbours, and stealing their turkey, has sent up UNLIMITED LOO, as he's called, in the estimation of all decent folks. Anyhow, he has got the house which was the 'King's Head,' and, while he gives Imperial measures, will keep it.

"But as the BEERBUNGS are irrevocably kicked out of the house, they comfort themselves by squabbling with one another, and talking as if the question was which had a right to the fixtures. SMITH, the bankrupt, is dead, but has left a lot of sons, not bad fellows, but with very little brains among them. And there is a cousin of their's, who at present calls himself SHAMBORE (but I am told is a real bore to any one who has to spend the evening with him), and he comes from the elder branch of the BEERBUNGS, and claims to be the head of the family. SHAMBORE and SMITH'S boys have hitherto been at daggers drawn, and making everybody laugh at their absurd quarrels. SHAMBORE has settled just outside the parish, and is always sticking up placards, some of them very profane, abusing LOO, or anybody who happened for the time to have the 'King's Head.' He lives at a place called Frowsy Wharf, and behaves as stuck-up as if the parish belonged to him; sees people with his hat on; and has got a long story about some miraculous hair oil which he says will never dry off his head. Some think he is cracked. The SMITH boys used to make all sorts of game of him, and call him 'FATTY,' and, when their father had the house, they used to stone any one who went to see him.

"But somehow, SHAMBORE and the SMITHS have made it up. Why, nobody knows; but it is thought that the tallow-monger has been at them, and has promised to stand something handsome if they will unite to bring actions of trespass against LOO. However, be this as it may last week down comes one of SMITH'S sons--who calls himself (for they have all _aliases_) KNEE MOORE--to Frowsy Wharf, in his best clothes, and all being arranged, knocks three knocks--no more nor less--at SHAMBORE'S front door. He would not knock two knocks, for fear of being thought a postman; and SHAMBORE would not let him knock four, because that would be coming the swell too much. SHAMBORE was peeping over the blind (which had crochet lilies on it), but of course MOORE pretended not to see him. The maid opened the door, and MOORE asked if MR. SHAMBORE was in. 'What name, Sir?' says the girl. But SHAMBORE had bolted through the back parlour, and was standing on the stairs. 'What do I see?' he shouts out. 'Come in by all means;' and he comes down exactly four stairs--no more--and waits for the other. MOORE will not take off his hat until the door is shut, for fear the neighbours should think he's nobody, but he hangs it on a peg, and makes SHAMBORE a bow.

"'I am glad to call on the head of my family,' says MOORE, kicking out his leg behind, and making the girl laugh. SHAMBORE makes him say it again, pretending to be deaf. Then they shake hands, and the girl is sent out for beer, and they sit down and drink bad luck to UNLIMITED LOO, and may he soon lose his licence. And it seems they have arranged that, if they can kick LOO out, and get the house, SHAMBORE'S to keep it for the good of the family, until a boy--a son of MOORE'S elder brother--is old enough to take the licence; and, to prevent danger, if SHAMBORE'S wife dies he is not to marry again. The precious couple sat a long time, and MOORE brought in MRS. MOORE, and they all grew as thick as thieves; and when going away, MOORE, who was tipsy, said he had made a bridge, or was going over the bridge, or something which could not quite be understood. Meantime, LOO has told the police to keep a sharp look-out on the cousins, and it will be wiry times for them if they are laid hold of."

* * * * *

TWO GREAT QUESTIONS.

There are two great questions which at present address themselves to the political mind, and they are both in connexion with wages. Without entering into the merits of either, we may say that in England the great question is, "How wages are?" and in Turkey, "How wages war?"

* * * * *

LOVE IN LOW LIFE.

Whether much love prevails on both sides between husband and wife among the inferior classes, properly so called, of this country, may be questioned, but there is no doubt that the wives, at least, are much smitten.

* * * * *

THE PORTE IN BOTTLE.

If Turkey can be enabled to hold her own a few years longer, she will, there are good reasons for hoping, arrive at a high state of civilization. There is little doubt that the Ottoman Porte will improve by keeping.

* * * * *

FOOD FOR IMPROVEMENT.--A certain Mare in London must be rather badly off; for its chief present nourishment is chaff.

* * * * *

_Nice Old Gent (loquitur)._ "UM! I'LL TAKE SOME HARICOT MUTTON, AND--ER--HAVE YOU ANY ASPARA--"

_Waiter (like thunder)._ "'ARICO AN' 'GRASS!"]

* * * * *

ST. CECILIA AND ST. HELEN.

Touching the subjoined newspaper advertisement:--

ORGANIST.--A VACANCY IN THE APPOINTMENT of ORGANIST for the parish
of St. Helen, Bishopsgate, London, having been created by the death
of Dr. Bexfield, candidates for the office are requested to forward
their letters of application and testimonials on or before the 23rd
day of November instant, addressed to MR. CHURCHWARDEN RICHARDSON,
2, Great St. Helen's, London, by whom all inquiries as to the duties
and salary will be answered.

_Mr. Punch_ begs to ask MR. CHURCHWARDEN RICHARDSON a question. Would CECILIA PUNCH be eligible for the vacant situation of organist to St. Helen's parish? For _Mr. Punch_ has heard that it is the practice of many vestries to exclude female candidates from competition for the organist's office. Need CECILIA apply? Has it been, by the parochial powers,

"Resolved, that female candidates be excluded."

CECILIA would be thankful to be spared the anxiety and trouble of making an application, in doubt whether or not it has been predestined to be fruitless. One would think that the church of a female saint would admit a female musician--or can it be that ST. HELEN would have closed her doors against her sainted sister, the namesake of _Miss Punch_, herself?

To multiply, not to diminish, the means of honourable maintenance for women ought to be the object of all Churchwardens and Vestries; as it certainly is the interest of all rate-payers.

* * * * *

A WHIPPING RECORDER.

MR. SAMUEL WARREN, Recorder of Hull, loves to season his sentences with plenty of whipcord. This propensity of SAMUEL'S has been significantly rebuked by LORD PALMERSTON, who has remitted whippings and shortened terms of imprisonment. We understand that the judicial poet of _The Lily and the Bee_ will--in self-justification--forthwith produce another poem, to be called _The Cat and her Tails_.

* * * * *

A DIRTY BUSINESS.

The Magistrates of the City of London can scarcely be expected to come out of the present Commission with clean hands, after having fingered every ton of coals within a circuit of twenty miles.

* * * * *

FASHION AND INFLUENZA.

"That fairy form muffled in shawls, FANNY! why?
What sorrow hath swoln and beclouded thine eye?
What _can_ have occasioned the tint of the rose
To abandon that cheek for the end of that nose?

"Strange ornament, strip of mere flannel, to deck
That swanlike, that snowy, that statuesque neck!
Why sit o'er the fender in such an odd trim,
With handkerchief stanching those red orbs that swim?"

"For shabe, HELRY! dolt you bake ful so of be;
You bolkey, preteldil that you diddlet see
The state I ab ill; do you walt to be told?
You bust low I've got a bost troublesub cold."

"But how did you catch it, love?--where did you go?"
"I cal't thilk, I cal't tell at all, I dol't low."
"You don't think damp feet may have brought it about?"
"Lo, I've worl Ildia rubber shoes whel I've beel out."

"I think I can tell what has caused a catarrh
Those charms to disfigure, those accents to mar;
The bonnet, my FANNY, was meant for the head,
But FANNY wears hers 'twixt the shoulders instead."

"_Oh_ HELRY!--aid yet it bust surely be oled
Lot clothid the head is the way to catch cold,
Ald followilg Fashiul is what, I suppose,
Bakes be look such al object ald talk through the doze."

* * * * *

RUSSIAN HONESTY.

There is a rigid sense of honesty in the Russian army. Lately, a sergeant-major was flogged for stealing beyond his rank. There is a graduated right of theft throughout all Russia. Thus, while a mere master-shipwright may steal some cartloads of oak, a Lord of the Admiralty may pocket a whole seventy-four. The god of Russia is not, in fact, NICHOLAS, but MERCURY.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A FERTILITY WELL-GROUNDED.--Periodicals are the dead leaves that fertilise the soil of Literature.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL OF POETRY.

A very pleasing advertisement appeared lately in the _Manchester Advertiser_, an advertisement which all who are interested in literature will be glad to see. Here it is:--

WANTED, A POET.--A tradesman who wishes to advertise his wares
extensively, wants a Gentleman who can Write Advertising Poetical
Effusions with facility.--Apply by letter, containing specimens of
poetry, to A S, at the Printer's.

Though poor JOHNSON or GOLDSMITH would have been glad of such an offer, some conceited brethren of the goose-quill may look with contempt at the idea of the application of poetry to the advertisement of wares. Why not apply poetry to the advertisement of wares as well as apply Art to their construction? is not Art-crockery considered a great thing?--and what is your School of Design for, but to supply us with Art-clothes and Art-furniture; so that in good time we shall have Art-velvets, Art-cottons, Art-muslins, Art-silks, and Art-satins, for Art-waistcoats, Art-shirt-fronts, Art-frocks, Art-slips, Art-gowns; likewise Art-chairs and Art-tables, Art-fenders, Art-fire-irons, Art-pots and Art-kettles, Art-coalscuttles, Art-paper for walls, Art-bell-pulls, Art-pump-handles, Art bedsteads, and Art-washhand basins? The spirit of the age requires that Art shall be turned to practical account. He that would prosper by the poetical Art must utilise it. One way to do so, as good as any other, would be to sing the praises of candlesticks, for instance, or knives and forks, or haberdashery, or any other description of goods; what not? Poets have quite exhausted their old stock of subjects; they want a new stock, and that of a linendraper would be as good as any. The lines--

O heavenly Muse! the vast assortment sing,
Of JACKSON, JOHNSON, WILKINSON and KING,

for example, might serve for the commencement, and indicate the argument of a modern Epic of the Manchester School. The place of the hero in the poem would of course be supplied by a power-loom. But the "poetical effusions" required as per advertisement would necessarily be lyrical. Here an abundance of themes opens up to the bard. Suppose that the wares which the poet is engaged to advertise are stuffs. It will not follow that his verses should be stuff too. Leaving doggrel to the minstrel of MOSES, he might aim at a really sentimental treatment of his subject. He might, with the view of calling public attention to a silk, write something of this sort:--

LINES TO ISABEL.

I saw thee dancing in the hall;
The beauteous robe that draped thy form
Had just the free and flowing fall
Of some old statue's; but, too warm,
Too glowing were that eye and cheek,
To let thy shape of loveliness
Like marble seem, though rarest Greek,
For all that chaste and graceful dress!

***_At_ 16_s._ 6_d._, _A Superior Article and Striking Novelty.
Now Selling Off at a Tremendous Sacrifice_. JACKSON AND CO., &c.

The foregoing is merely an attempt to show what might be done in this line, or sort of lines. It is no easy job, as a judicious ancient observes, to do common themes to a T.

Perhaps it is strange, however, that a Manchester tradesman should have to advertise for a poet. Is there no young man in his establishment that turns down his collars and grows his hair in ringlets, and has joined the moustache-movement, that would answer his purpose? In most large businesses there are such young men, who let off their poetical steam in effusions to the moon, &c., and merely waste it. Many of these poor young fellows are snubbed and ridiculed, and thus have their self-regard--which is always sensitive--irritated and mortified, till they are driven to all manner of reckless and evil courses; whereas, by the useful direction of their talent, rendering it subservient to the purposes of the shop, they would be enabled to fulfil the aspirations that are in them with credit to themselves and with advantage to their employers: provided they would pay that attention to their grammatical studies, which is necessary to the composition of decent verses, even on the subject of a merino or a ducape.

* * * * *

THE REAL AND THE IDEAL.--There is as much difference between the real and the ideal, as there is between a castle in Ayrshire and a castle in the Air.

* * * * *

THE EXPENSE OF MAKING A BARON.

Those who accept dignities are usually expected to pay for them; but, perhaps, if a man has "greatness thrust upon him" in the form of a title, it would be rather hard to make him pay L420 for an "honour" of which he was not solicitous. Before a man can be "dubbed" a knight he must "dub up" some L200; but it seems to cost between L400 and L500 to make a baron. Last year LORD FITZROY SOMERSET was changed into LORD RAGLAN--a conversion which, though it might have been managed as easily and as cheaply as the pantomime trick of SO-AND-SO _afterwards_ HARLEQUIN, or PANTALOON, or CLOWN, has, it seems, added upwards of L400 to the annual item of civil contingencies. It is very "civil," no doubt, to make a commoner into a peer, but when the "contingency" arrives, we think the recipient of the honour ought to be civilly expected to pay for it. Perhaps, however, the better course would be to do it cheap, and we should hardly think the dignity of the peerage can be sustained by such charges as we find making up the sum total of the cost of a Barony.

The Clerk of the Hanaper, or Hamper, gets L24 13_s._ 4_d._; but why the title of Baron should be hampered with such an expense it is difficult to guess, unless it is that the newly-made peer is expected to "wet" his dignity with a few dozen of something drinkable. Deputy Hamper--by virtue, possibly, of some bottled beer--gets a guinea; and the "porter to the Great Seal" has another guinea; but, whether the word "porter" applies to some officers, or to some beer for the LORD CHANCELLOR'S department, we have no means of knowing. The sealing of the patent is a costly affair, including "Sealer, L1 2_s._ 3_d._; Deputy ditto, 10_s._ 6_d._; Chaff Wax, L1 2_s._ 6_d._; deputy ditto, 10_s._ 6_d._"; from which we can only infer that, while two officers are employed in the act of sealing, two other officers are standing by and "chaffing" the operation.

The "Royal Household" receives L104 6_s._ 10_d._ for a jollification, no doubt; though we suspect that this act of _High Life Below Stairs_ in the Palace is entirely without the sanction of Royalty. Our old friend "Garter" comes in for L20, which is moderate, considering how invariably the recipients of dignities are tied by the leg by Garter's stringent requirements. The bill winds up with one guinea for the engrossing clerk, who engrosses very little of the profit but a great deal of the trouble, for he was obliged to engross the warrant and find the parchment.

It costs in all L420 to make a Peer; and if every Member of the Peerage is worth what he costs, it is easy to estimate the value of the Upper House of Parliament. Our own opinion is, that the Lords would be quite as precious without the preliminary outlay incurred in their manufacture; but if something is to be paid on the occasion, we think the money might be better employed than by inciting it in chaff, or any other kind of wax, and liquidating it in "porter," or Hampers of any description whatever.

* * * * *

A TAP ON A TUB.

The _Morning Advertiser_, speaking of LOUIS NAPOLEON'S new tariff reforms, says that he has effected them, "_deaf_ to the howlings of the iron-masters _and the scowlings of the coal-owners_". One would not deprive the EMPEROR of one iota of his merit, but we have a "random recollection" that a "scowl" is a thing to see, rather than to hear. We do think that our friends the Licensed Victuallers are entitled to demand better grammar for their money. _Our_ JEAMES would not have so written.

* * * * *

CORONACH ON THE SCOTCH LION

Och hone-a-rie! och hone-a-rie!
The Scottish Lion lies fu' sair:
Gude faith, he's tauld sae mony a lee.
We never can believe him mair!

* * * * *

THE HOLE-INESS OF RAGS.

The best material for the proposed "Ragged Churches" seems to be Papier-mache, a material which is now applied to building purposes, and which proves how the useful and beautiful may even arise out of rags.

* * * * *

THE TURTLE BENEVOLENT ASSOCIATION

FOR

THE RELIEF OF DESTITUTE ALDERMEN.

We are glad to inform our readers that a Society, with the above benevolent motive, is in the course of formation. We need not say that, in the state of extreme destitution to which the poor Aldermen are likely, in another year, to be reduced, such a society, like every other society that has hitherto been started, will supply a great vacuum. The use of Turtle to an Alderman has become a sort of second nature; and when, by circumstances over which--unlike the City Funds--he has had no control, he is deprived of that great humanising and aldermanising necessity, we need not say that a very great vacuum will be created in his stomach. It is to fill that vacuum--which, if filled by the Alderman's own resources, would cause a vacuum in his pocket as great as the one that already exists in his mind--that a few charitable individuals have joined together in sympathy and guineas to relieve the wants of a large luxurious class of their fellow-countrymen.

Until the prospectus, in due satin paper and gilt-edge form, is issued, we beg to dot down a few of the principal features of this benevolent association:--

PRINCE ALBERT is to be President of this new charity, if he will only accept it, in return for the statue which the Aldermen have been trying to get up in his honour, in the hope that they may be represented on the pedestal in some humble capacity--either as hanging on to his Royal Highness's coat-tails, or else kissing his princely boots.

Committees will be appointed to visit the different Wards, and some of the highest ladies in the land have been most eager in applying for this charitable office.

Aldermen who have passed the chair will be allowed their three basins of Turtle a week. Those, who have not yet come to that awful pass, will only receive their one basin, of the usual size of those which a person pays five shillings for at BIRCH'S.

On the 9th of November--the anniversary of the grand LORD MAYOR'S Day--the whole body of Aldermen are to be allowed, in addition to their Turtle, a small glass of iced Punch.

A select number, also, will be taken in rotation, and given a ride in glass-coaches, that will be directed to follow the precise route that the LORD MAYOR'S procession was in the habit of taking every memorable 9th of November. Pocket handkerchiefs will be provided gratuitously, to stem the grief of such Aldermen for whom the sight may be too much.

Negotiations are in treaty for the Mansion House, which will be unoccupied as soon as the City Corporation has died its unnatural death. It is expected to be vacant in a year. A better locality could not possibly be chosen, on account of the number of pleasant associations that are connected with that building, which was so proverbially hospitable with other people's money.

Those Aldermen who are prevented, by illness or modesty, from applying at the Mansion House, will be relieved at their own mansions.

All Aldermen will be expected to bring their own basins and spoons.

Any Alderman convicted of bringing up his basin to be filled a second time on the same day, will be denied any further relief for an entire twelvemonth.

The tickets, under any circumstances, are not to be sold; but it is hoped, in the event of the expected success of the Association, that measures will be taken to add venison to the Turtle.

Further particulars will be shortly published, with a list of the bankers and houses where subscriptions are to be paid, and where the smallest contributions, in the way of turtle or venison, will be thankfully received.

A smaller Charity will also be established--at least the attempt will be made--in connection with the parent one. Its object will be to relieve the Common Councilmen with Mock Turtle.

It is a source of great consolation, to think that these poor miserable creatures, when they are turned out of their comfortable quarters, will not be totally unprovided for in their old age. Ruin, it is true, is staring them in the face; but still their few declining years may be rendered comparatively happy, by their being still supplied with those comforts which the custom of a whole life has turned into nothing less than positive wants. To prove we bear no malice towards those who are fallen, we wish every success to these "TURTLE SOUP KITCHENS FOR DESTITUTE ALDERMEN;" and, as soon as the casseroles are got into boiling order, we are ready to pay our first subscription.

* * * * *

SHORTCOMING OF THE CITY.

The City of London is not quite PLATO'S Model Republic. It has not completely realized its idea of corporate perfection. Not permitting the subjects of its jurisdiction to measure or to carry their own commodities, it has established corn, coal, fruit, and oyster-meters, and fellowship-porters, whom it obliges them to employ on terms prescribed by itself. But it does not carry out the principle of preventing individuals from managing their own affairs, by prohibiting them from doing anything whatever for themselves, which it is possible that somebody else may do for them. It has not established Civic Barbers, empowered to shave all men who reside within its precincts, whether willing or unwilling to submit their chins to those officers, and it does not deny anybody the right of shaving himself.

* * * * *

"LA! WHAT GUYS OUR GRANDFATHERS MADE OF THEMSELVES!"]

* * * * *

CORPORATE ASYLUMS.

The prisons of the City seem, in general, to have been better conducted than any other of its institutions. May this fact be accounted for on the supposition that roguery has an instinctive tendency to provide for itself?

* * * * *

WHAT BEST CONSORTS WITH THE CONSORT'S DIGNITY.

The best monument on which, at present, (and may it be "at present" for many years to come!) to inscribe PRINCE ALBERT'S abilities and amiabilities, is to be found in the columns of the Newspapers.

* * * * *

AN INJUDICIOUS PATRIOT.

We read among the speeches delivered at the late Polish Anniversary Meeting, one which was made by a foreign gentleman, introduced as a friend of M. MAZZINI, and which concluded thus:--

"Revolution was called disorder. It might be so, but the only way to
finish with disorder was to make revolution.--(_Cheers._) Therefore
it was that he wished for revolution, though its permanent success
involved the sad necessity of the guillotine." (_Great cheering._)

These daring words were uttered, not in the slummish purlieus of the Square of Leicester, but at the splendid Rooms of that of Hanover. How proud and glad we ought to feel of our freedom of utterance, considering that at a place of fashionable resort, in an aristocratic neighbourhood, an individual is permitted to speak out thus: declaring himself boldly on the side of revolution and the guillotine!

Nevertheless, for the cause of European liberty, it is a pity that this gentleman had not either had his mouth stopped by the spontaneous action of the muscles which serve to close that orifice, or shut up by cries of "No, no!" substituted for the "great cheering" which greeted his avowal in regard to revolutionism and decapitation. The use and applause of such language must estrange all friends of freedom except those who are mad. The exiles that indulge in it ought not, perhaps, to be deprived of an asylum, but they ought to be restricted to one in which they can be looked after. It is bad enough when patriots are consigned to the halter by despots, but it is worse when, having rope given them, they use it to hang themselves. The EMPERORS OF RUSSIA and AUSTRIA are much obliged to those who talk like this foreign gentleman. The revolution contemplated by M. MAZZINI is another thing, we hope, than that which is advocated by his indiscreet friend, and to "make" which will, in truth, be a certain "way to finish with disorder."

* * * * *

TABLE TURNING AND TRUE PIETY.

A Clergyman, the REV. R. W. DIBDIN, M.A., has published a Lecture recently delivered by him at the Music Hall, Store Street, upon Table Turning, which he ascribes to "Satanic Agency," animadverting on all who differ with him on the subject; among others, on ourselves. Referring to this periodical he is pleased to say,

"I will only remark that it is conspicuous (like the _Times_
newspaper, which it echoes), for its _consistent enmity to true
piety_;--its advocacy of Sabbath desecration in the Sydenham
Exhibition, and the Sunday delivery of letters by the Post Office.
And I very much wonder that religious people support it as they do."

If any newspaper discusses the questions of the day generally in a spirit of common sense, and this periodical treats them in the same spirit, there must be a general coincidence of opinion between this periodical and that newspaper, which MR. DIBDIN may call an echo if he pleases. But he has no right to term _Punch_ a consistent enemy to true piety, because we do not admit that a Christian is bound to keep Sunday as a Jew is obliged to observe Saturday. And his wonder that religious people support _Punch_ as they do may be abated by the consideration that religion is not, in all people, allied with superstition, or with cant and hypocrisy. Religion _Punch_ has always held, and hopes to hold, inviolate; but the pretence of it, whether designed to restrict his liberty, or impose upon his understanding, he has ever denounced and ever will denounce. Withhold from the child the letter of the sick parent; deny the fagged artisan his breath of fresh air and half-holyday once a week, under a religious pretext, and _Punch_ will protest you a Pharisee, and tell you that you might as well forbid him to extricate an ox, or a MR. DIBDIN, from a pit into which, he might happen to tumble on the Sabbath day. And if lies or delusions are propounded to his credence, tales, whether of table-talking or picture-working, _Punch_ will not be hindered from laughing at them by the circumstance that they are preached beneath the cover of religion.

_Punch_ never knowingly admits anything into his pages that could shock the feelings of religious people. For that reason he forbears to quote from MR. DIBDIN'S pamphlet an assertion that MR. DIBDIN professes to quote from the devil; a piece of blasphemy too frightfully shocking to be repeated. The following, however, may be cited as specimens of the answers elicited by the Rev. gentleman and a MR. B. from a small, square, three-legged table on casters, by lying their hands on it:--

"1. If there be a GOD, strike three with the leg next the
fire-place.--That leg was raised, and struck thrice.

"2. If there be a devil, strike so many times with this leg.--It did
so.

"3. If the POPE be the head of the Church, strike, &c.--It did so.

"4. If MARTIN LUTHER was a good man, strike, &c.--No reply.

"5. If EMANUEL SWEDENBORG was a good man, strike, &c.--It did so.

"6. If SOCINIUS was a good man, strike, &c.--It did so.

"7. If JESUS CHRIST be come in the flesh, strike, &c.--It did so.

"8. If salvation be of faith and works, strike, &c.--It did so.

"9. If salvation be by faith alone, strike, &c.--It did so.

"10. If DR. ACHILLI be a good man, strike, &c.--No reply.

"11. If DR. ACHILLI be turned Swedenborgeon, strike, &c.--It did so.

"12. If DR. NEWMAN be a good man, strike, &c.--It did so (very
quickly).

"13. If MR. TONNA be a good man, stop moving.--It continued moving.

"14. Strike the day of the month--It struck twenty-eight.

"15. Strike the hour.--It struck seven and a gentle lift of the leg.
[It was half-past seven].

"16. If it be right to go to a Socinian Chapel, strike, &c.--It did
so.

"17. If it be right to go to the theatre, strike, &c.--It did so.

"18. Say how many years it is since HER MAJESTY came to the throne.

"No one present knew the date of her accession. I may here say, that
I asked several questions on this principle, upon facts with which
none of us were acquainted.

"It struck sixteen.

"None of us could tell whether this was right or not, and,
therefore, one of the party left the room to fetch an almanack, and
when we had got the almanack we found that it was right."

Other ages were given by the table, according to the Reverend experimenter; it also stopped when the Bible was placed upon it, like the similarly possessed moveables of MESSRS. GODFREY and GILLSON. At least so he would have us believe, or be accounted altogether unbelieving. For he declares of Table Turning, that

"Those who have not witnessed its wonders, and disbelieve (or
attempt to explain away) the statements of those who _have_, must be
passed by as impracticable subjects, acting precisely on the
principle of the infidel HUME, who, because he never saw a miracle,
would have us infer that no one else ever did."

This is precisely the style in which Roman Catholic priests argue in behalf of miraculous images, and if MR. DIBDIN did not profess a vast abhorrence of Popery, he might be imagined to be one of the clerical correspondents of the _Tablet_. In another place he says,

"If any one doubts my _veracity_, or questions the _possibility of
my senses being correct witnesses_--in such a case I have nothing to
reply to that person. Such an one puts himself out of the reach of
argument; and by such incredulity makes it impossible to prove
anything to him."

We are called upon to admit the infallibility of MR. DIBDIN'S senses, as well as his good faith, although we have the opposing testimony of FARADAY, and although, whilst Table Turning is, as MR. DIBDIN himself says, practised daily by tens of thousands, there has been no one satisfactory exhibition of the wonder in public. _Punch_ has tried Table and Hat Turning. The hat and the table gave signs of beginning to turn; which ceased, not at his command to stop, but on his reminding the rest of the party that they were not to push.

PROFESSOR FARADAY, by the way, fares very badly at the hands of MR. DIBDIN, who not only insinuates a doubt respecting the "spiritual attainments" of that philosopher, but also uniformly spells his name with two R's. He has also as above, SOCINIUS for SOCINUS, and for Swedenborgian, Swedenborgeon. Perhaps he has derived his orthography from tables, which he mentions as having been found to spell badly; indeed, trustworthy as tables are esteemed in matters of arithmetic, they have never been accounted authorities in regard to spelling.

But MR. DIBDIN is not to be laughed at--although he may himself hold up other people to something less innocent than ridicule. He observes that

"It may seem very wise and great to laugh down a weak brother; but
surely it is neither kind nor brotherly."

Nevertheless, it is not easy to repress a risible emotion when we picture to ourselves a party of weak brethren sitting round a table to see if they can get the devil into it. MR. DIBDIN says it is necessary to keep the hands on the table. Does the evil spirit, then, flow out of the fingers' ends into the mahogany? and does MR. DIBDIN think that he has acted as the devil's conductor? We shall next have Calvinistic clergymen making pump-handles work, and turning mangles to the same account as tables, by Satanic action.

However, it is certain that the dreadful nonsense in the book before us was rapped out _either_ by the devil, _or_ by MR. DIBDIN, or his friends. If we had any doubt on the subject, we should give them the benefit of the doubt; but we are afraid that none can be reasonably entertained.

* * * * *

IMPROVEMENT AT GUILDHALL.

Whatever may be said against the Corporation of London, it may be truly said of that great body, that it is a-GOG for reform.

* * * * *

"A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS."

"DEAREST, I'M _DISGUSTED_ WITH MY BONNET!"]

* * * * *

HUMAN COPYING MACHINES.

Everybody says the law has gone to ruin, and if this is the case, we can only say that the law has gone where it has brought so many--or in other words, that the lawyers have followed their clients. The "profession" must certainly be at a low ebb when it is reduced to the degradation of issuing such advertisements as the following, which has been sent up to us by several Correspondents, who have cut it out from a Birmingham newspaper.

WANTED, immediately, in a Country Solicitor's Office, a WRITING
CLERK. He must understand Abstracting, Engrossing, and Accounts.
Salary about 13_s._ a week. Unexceptionable references must be
given.--Apply to ----, Solicitor, Birmingham.

We have been told that "necessity has no law;" but it would seem that the law is reduced to the last stage of necessity, or it would never offer such beggarly terms as those specified above to the very meanest of its myrmidons. "Thirteen shillings a week" is about one-third of the pay of a journeyman carpenter, and less than a third of what may be earned by many of those who are out "on strike" for higher wages. The poor wretch who is offered thirteen shillings a week must, it seems, understand "abstracting;" but we should fear that he might try his abilities in endeavouring to "abstract" something from the cash-box of his principal. It is evident that the lawyers, having been curtailed of their power to fleece the public, are determined to take it out of their unfortunate clerks, and if blood can be got out of a stone, an attorney is just the man to perform the operation.

* * * * *

A MUFF DROPPED, by a young Lady, on Wednesday last, in the Regent's Park, between the Botanical and Zoological Gardens. It is rather rich in appearance, but extremely heavy; has very long hair, and nothing whatever inside. Any one, falling in with the above, is perfectly welcome to the acquisition, as the Muff became such a dead weight, continually hanging about, and wanting to be carried everywhere, that the Young Lady, not being able to bear it any longer, was really compelled to drop it. The Muff may be known at any time by its having red hair, and answering to the name of CHARLES.

* * * * *

TOWN AND COUNTRY.

If, by any remote accident, the Russians were to take Constantinople, it would be a curious realization (says young BAKER STREET) of the "_Russ in Urbe_".

* * * * *

THE REASON OF PRISON EXPENDITURE.

The following paragraph occurs in the _Preston Guardian_:--

"THE COST OF CRIME.--The REVEREND MR. CLAY, the Chaplain of the
Preston House of Correction, estimates the loss caused to the public
by fifteen pickpockets, whose careers he has traced, including the
value of the property stolen, expenses of prosecution, and
maintenance in gaol, at L26,500."

How many schoolmasters might have been had for the money which fifteen pickpockets have cost the nation?--and how many more than fifteen boys might those schoolmasters have prevented from becoming pickpockets?--and how much larger a sum than L26,500 would have thereby been saved?

Why cannot this great saving of money--to say nothing of vice and misery--be effected?

Simply because Papists and Protestants, High Church, Low Church, and Dissenters, cannot agree as to which of them shall have the privilege of preoccupying the minds of street-children with ideas about which bishops and doctors differ!

* * * * *

LOVE.

(_A Prose Definition by_ MOSES' _Poet_.)

Love comes from Courtship, and Courtship is a suit that is not made in a day. It is the slow result of several measures, and these measures cannot be taken too carefully; but Love at first sight is a ready-made suit that is entered into at once, and for which, as the result frequently proves, neither party was in the least fitted.

* * * * *

SHOCK TO RUSSIAN CREDIT.--There has been a hard run on the Banks of the Danube. It is said to have been owing to a panic in the Russian army.

* * * * *

THE RACE OF MAN.--It is your favourite that generally wins on the "course of true love."

* * * * *

SCOTLAND HUMILIATED.

Tuesday the 29th of November, 1853, was celebrated as a day of humiliation in Edinburgh; and the humiliation consisted in making the day as much like a Scotch Sunday as possible. Recollecting as we do: 1st, That there is more drunkenness in Scotland than anywhere else in the United Kingdom; 2ndly, That there is more drunkenness on Sunday in Scotland than on any other day; and, 3rdly, That the day of humiliation was a close resemblance to a Scotch Sunday;--we may draw the inference that the "humiliation" must have been complete. We have no doubt the number of those that were either moved by the spirit, or kept from the power of moving by the spirit, must have been enormous, on the occasion alluded to.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ADD THIS TO YOUR DICTIONARIES.

CORPORATION. Noun. Derived from _corps_, Fr., "deceased body," _oratio_, Lat., "speaking," and _ration_, Eng., "victuals," and means a moribund body, good for nothing but feeding and spouting.

* * * * *

EXCESSIVE MILDNESS OF THE SEASON.--A Hansom Cabman took Sixpence for his fare, the other day, without saying a single word.

* * * * *

"OH DEAR NO! WHY, THE OTHER EVENING A TABLE WAS ASKED HOW OLD I WAS, AND IT RAPPED OUT FORTY! RIDICULOUS; WHEN I'M NOT THREE-AND-TWENTY TILL NEXT MARCH!"]

* * * * *

"A STATUE TO ALBERT."

(_A Melody after_ MOORE.)

"A statue to ALBERT," said CHALLIS enchanted,
"I'll start in the City; the thought is divine."
The thought was conceived, and he now only wanted
The ear of the public to it to incline.
He wrote a few letters to people to bore them,
And ask them to second his fawning intent;
But so coldly the public appeared to ignore them,
That he saw they too plainly perceived what he meant.

"Oh how," cried SAM WILBERFORCE, "think of enshrining
The PRINCE by himself?--the proposal is dim;
But with it the Great Exhibition entwining,
We'll get in adroitly a statue of him."
The bargain was struck, and the project to dish up
They flew to a meeting, the plan to propound;
"Adieu," whispered CHALLIS, "you're not the first bishop
Who's kept his position by shifting his ground."

* * * * *

A PLAN FOR THE SIMPLIFICATION OF PUBLIC ORATORY.

MR. PUNCH, who has suffered so much from the inordinate long-windedness of our public orators in general, and of our senators in particular, that he can thoroughly appreciate the misery which it must have inflicted upon the nation, has, of his own free motion and consent, meditated and devised a scheme, by which the nation will be released from the pain of hearing, and our public men from the labour of uttering speeches; whilst the former will still have the conviction that its representatives are taking pains to express its sentiments, and the latter will still have their vanity gratified by the belief that they are making a sensation. _Mr. Punch_ has read in the works of MESSRS. HUC and GABET (two missionaries, in whom the humour of RABELAIS is combined with the kindly fervour of LAS CASAS) that the Lamas in Thibet--who have more prayers to recite than they can get through in a day, without suspending their ordinary avocations--are in the habit of employing what they call Tchu Kor, or turning prayers. These are large but light cylinders of wood, placed on an axle, and inscribed with a great number of prayers in Thibetian characters. The devout Lama gives the Tchu Kor a push, which sets it in motion for a considerable period, during which he goes about his secular business, and leaves the performance of his religious exercises to this pious whirligig.

If _Mr. Punch_ were acquainted with the Lamas, he would suggest to them that by the help of a little simple machinery and the aid of a turnspit dog, they might prolong their prayers for a period quite beyond the strength of their own ingenious but imperfect instrument. But as it is, he contents himself with recommending that Tchu Kor, or talking cylinders, shall be introduced into the House of Commons without delay. So many of the speeches made in that assembly have no sort of interest for it or for the public, and are dictated only by the desire of the Members to acquit themselves of a duty to their constituents, that they might as well not be uttered at all. And as no speech is supposed to influence a division, or gain over a vote, whilst many give rise to much bad blood, and to endless misunderstandings, prevarications, rejoinders, and recriminations, it would be as well that so fertile a source of mischief should at once be dried up; and that if Members must talk, they should do so only through the medium of the Tchu Kor.

Each Member might have his peculiar cylinder, surmounted by a bust of himself, and carved from that tree, whose properties were most in accordance with the characteristics of his oratory or his politics. Thus the cylinders of LORD BROUGHAM and MR. DISRAELI, that pungent couple, might be carved from the prickly pear; those of MR. NEWDEGATE and MR. HENLEY from the sloe; that of MR. HUME, the Senior of the House, from the elder; that of SIR ROBERT INGLIS, from the cherry, as he is the BOB _cheri_ of the high Torics; that of MR. BRIGHT, from the aspen; that of MR. BROTHERTON, the Vegetarian, from a large turnip; that of MR. LUCAS, from the bramble; that of MR. COBDEN, from the (good) service tree; and that of LORD PALMERSTON, the universal favourite, from the poplar. (Oh!)