Chapter VIII: Introduction: Volume Xxv.----July to December, 1853 (7)

_Satirical Cabman_ (_to_ ARISTOCRATIC OLD GENTLEMAN, _who has just ascended a small, but highly unctuous butcher's cart, in a state of concentrated bitterness_). Heasy over the stones with that 'ere cat's-meat, Butcher.

_Aristocratic Old Gentleman (starting up in the cart)._ What's that you say, you blackguard?

_Chorus of Cabmen._ Cat's-meat--cat's-meat!

[THE ARISTOCRATIC OLD GENTLEMAN _retires from the unequal contest, and
allows his pride to fall with his fortunes_.

_Driver of Butcher's Cart._ Where to, Sir?

_Aristocratic Old Gentleman._ 115, Eaton Square. No--stop at 110.

_Satiric Cabman._ Mind you ring the hairy bell, old feller--Cat's-meat!

_Bitter Cabman._ And mind yer, if he stops to call at the Pallis, it's sixpence for hevery kervarter you waits--Butcher.

_Chorus of Cabmen (saluting the departure of the butcher's cart)._ Ya--a--ah! Cow Cross--Sharpe's Alley! Ya--ah!

[_At this moment appears the Luggage of_ THE UNPROTECTED, _followed by
her disconsolate self. She is hailed by the Cabmen._

_1st Cabman._ Ollo--Marm--you've forgotten your pattings.

_2nd Cabman._ And there ain't no Cabs--'acos we're a takin' it hairystercratic, we are!

_Cheery Porter (tumbling down the luggage)._ Now--Ma'am--if you look sharp--you'll soon get a carriage--I dessay.

_Unprotected Female._ Oh, but couldn't you help me--if you please!

_1st Cabman (delighted with her distress)._ Here's furnitur! First floor to let with the sticks! What d'ye ask a week, Marm--for the use of the flower-pot?

_Unprotected Female._ Oh--how can you--man? Oh--will somebody call something. It's 38, Great Coram Street, by the name of JONES--and I'll pay anything!

_Bitter Cabman._ Oh, no--you mustn't go out o' the Hact! Sixpence a mile and no back fare--that's the ticket!

_3rd Cabman._ Wans kept--and goods carefully removed!

_Treacherous Cabman (in a tone of pretended sympathy)._ There you are, Marm!

_Unprotected Female._ Oh--thank you--where?

_Treacherous Cabman (calling a water-cart which is laying the dust)._ Here, Force-pump--lady to take hup!

_Satiric Cabman._ And a reasonable quantity of luggage--_wide_ the hact!

_Unprotected Female (simply)._ Oh--but I can't ride in a water-cart!

_Satiric Cabman._ Thort you might like it this 'ot weather, Marm.

_Polite Cabman._ So werry refreshin'--and you looks 'eated, Marm.

_Unprotected Female._ Oh--if you wouldn't--

_Polite Cabman._ Could I hoffer hany refreshment, Marm.

_Treacherous Cabman._ A little 'ot heel-soup, Marm--or a penn'orth o' winkles!

_Unprotected Female._ Oh--if it was only a wheelbarrow!

[_The_ UNPROTECTED _sinks in despair upon the pile. The Cabmen
surround her in fierce exultation. Crowds of wrecked passengers and
piles of luggage slowly accumulate around her, and gradually conceal
her from the eye. A feeble plaint is occasionally heard to ascend
from the recesses of the heap._ SCENE _closes_.

* * * * *

A COUP DE SOLEIL. The most remarkable illustration of "high Art," is presented by the Sun in his character of a Photographist; and indeed he may be regarded as _par excellence_ the rising artist of the day.

* * * * *

WANTED (during the Cab-strike), A ROOMY WHEELBARROW, capable of accommodating a Member of Parliament on the rising of the House Address, COLONEL SIBTHORP. No Free-Trader need apply.

* * * * *

A NEW CHAPTER IN THE ROMANCE OF KING ARTHUR.

_Showing how the Round Table moved of its own accord, and of the terrible Adventure of the Rapping Spirits, and how_ SIR LANCELOT _took upon him the quest of a Medium._

Lordings, who a milder folly than your fathers knew have found,
And, where they had pushed the bottle, only push the table round;
Gentle (ay, and simple) Ladies, who, when Rapping Spirits come
To relieve the weary, dreary tedium of the rout or drum,
Rapt in admiration listen, half in wonder, half in fear,
Lest there should be "something wicked" mingled with a sport so dear;
Sages, who, with show of reason, 'gainst all reason can discourse
Of ideo-motor systems, motive wills, and vital force;
Dupes of every age and clime, whate'er your station, sex, or years,
Lend me all your strength of credence, all your wondrous length of ears,
Whilst of things that in the old time in KING ARTHUR'S court befel,
Till his very table moved, a veritable tale I tell.

Good KING ARTHUR had a custom, whence he swerved not in the least,
That the morn should bring the tourney, and the noon should bring the
feast,
For he knew his knights, aye ready for the battle or the board,
Were as prompt with knife and cleaver as with battle-axe and sword,
With the same good will would carve a haunch and cut a foeman down,
And with equal satisfaction crack a marrow-bone or crown;
Or with smiles and winks would bid them listen to the nasal tune
Of the King, who dozed--"_his_ custom always of an afternoon."
Thus in Camelot around the great loo table in the hall
Just thrice fifty knights were daily ranged by KAYE the Seneschal,
Whilst KING ARTHUR in the centre of the table took his seat,
That he might the better notice if his knights were off their meat.
'Twas a sultry day in summer: e'en the castle's massive walls
Could not keep the heat from out the lofty corridors and halls:
Open were the doors and windows (partly for the sake of air,
Partly that the baser people might behold them dining there,
For in high baronial state but little pleasure would there be
If a crowd of reverential paupers were not there to see),

And the sunlight, pouring through them, on the shining armour gleamed
Gleamed on all the banners bright that over every chieftain streamed,
Gleamed upon the golden flagons, and the monarch's flashing sword
Laid before him, and his silver beard down flowing on the board.
Floating in there came a murmur, of the trees that whispered near,
Of the river babbling to the reeds in accents low but clear,
Of the birds, and of sweet silver voices from the green alcove,
Where GINEVRA and her maidens prattled of their champions' love.
Silent were the knights, and in that happy meditative mood,
Which an ample meal induces, each his brother warriors viewed,
Thus they sat, and each upon the table laid his brawny hand,
Idly musing, till SIR TOR, the youngest of the mighty band,
Crying, "Why, the table's moving!" pressed against SIR DINADAN
Sitting next him, and impelled him gently towards the good KING BAN.
BAN on BORS, and BORS on PELLES, PELLES on SIR GARETH leant;
GARETH, bending over GAWAIN, GAWAIN over TRISTREM bent;
Thus as each, from each escaping, other upon other drove,
All, in what logicians call a vicious circle, 'gan to rove,
And the table, twirling with them, seemed to each excited mind,
Though they pushed it on beside them, to be leaving them behind.
Fast and faster flew the table; faster every champion flew,
Till the swords, the helms, the banners, flagons, dishes, faces too,
Merged in one vast whirling body, many-hued and globiform,
(Like an old Cartesian whirlwind, or a rotatory storm),
With KING ARTHUR in the centre, twirling in his royal chair,
And his great beard like a pennon streaming on the troubled air.
So till now they had been whirling, puffing, stamping, night and day:
But SIR ECTOR tripping, stumbled suddenly on proud SIR KAYE:
As the first impulsive push went, so the fall went circling round,
Till the knights, each prone on each like cards, lay panting on the
ground.
"Certes!" said the good KING ARTHUR, soon as he had breath to speak,
And had wiped the dust from off his draggled beard and pallid cheek,
"Certes! These be great adventures, such as I remember not,
Ever since the death of MERLIN, to have come to Camelot;
One 'Seat Perilous' he fashioned, when he framed this board for me;
But, if thus it takes to moving, perilous each seat will be.
Doth its wild unwonted motion then portend some dire mishap?
Doth some hidden danger threaten to our crown?"--A sudden rap
Low but clear within the wall the monarch's wise discourse broke down
Saying, plain as rap _could_ say, "A rap is threatened to thy crown."
"Perdy!" said the startled monarch. "What strange visitant thus shocks
All our ears at such a moment? It must be the ghost of--" Knocks
Two or three upon the wall came, ere "of MERLIN," he could say.
Then SIR LANCELOT stepped before him, as the echoes died away.
"If a knight should fly from knocks, 'twould surely be a parlous shame,"
Said he. "Wherefore to accomplish this adventure I shall claim.
I will take my horse and spear and journey down to Caer Lud,
Where 'LINETTE, the damsel sauvage,'[1] dwells beside the Fleet's
clear flood;
All the meaning of this marvel she shall tell, and let me see
All the glories of the future, and the wonders that shall be.
Ho! Sir Butler, bring me quickly four men's shares of wine and meat,
That, as much as may suffice me for my journey, I may eat."
Seemed to him, as forth he journeyed, that the land was passing strange;
Was it sooth, or was it glamour that had worked so great a change?
For the moorland and the woodland, where with horse, and hound, and horn,
He had chased the boar and aurochs, glowed with summer's ripening corn;
At the well known fording-places stately bridges stemmed the tide,
Turnpikes, 'stead of knights or giants, barred his way on either side;
Feeble women, damp and dingy, for a trifle came to show
All the ruins of the castles he had kept with many a blow;
And where cross-roads met, and where the best adventures once had been,
Whitewashed sign-posts bade him turn to Frogmore Pound, or Pogis Green.
Now and then athwart his course came, with a rumble and a scream,
Green and golden creatures, glaring fierce, and breathing fire and steam,
Seemed that each was dragging on a thousand victims at the least:
"By my knighthood," quoth SIR LANCELOT, "this must be 'the questing
beast;'
Something rusty have I grown by dwelling there at peace so long,
For ever eating of the fat, and ever drinking of the strong,
Yet with stout and knightly valour I shall dress me to the fight;"
But, before his lance was couched, "the questing beast" was out of sight.
So he journeyed till, one evening, from the hill-top looking down--
As the setting sun in gold and crimson bathed the mighty town--
All the spires, and masts, and towers (that seemed as they had lent
the skies
Gauds from London's wealth to deck them) flashed upon his wond'ring eyes.
"This adventure," said SIR LANCELOT, "I may scarcely understand,"
So he wisely brought his good sword closer to his strong right hand.
To "LINETTE the damsel Sauvage" who abode on Ludgate Hill,
He arrived at length by dint of wondrous toil and care and skill;
In a four-pair back she dwelt, and it was noted on her door,
That she held "_mesmeriques seances_" every afternoon at four.
Seemed that she was greatly altered from the blooming girl who brought
Fair Dame LYONS and SIR GARETH home to Royal ARTHUR'S Court--
She whose witchcraft (witch they called her) in her beauty seemed to lie;
Red, but not with bloom, her cheek was; bright, but not with health,
her eye,
And her mouth, whose slightest smile had won the hearts of ARTHUR'S
train,
By its pale thin lips' quick tremor half confessed the inward pain.
Much she laughed, when LANCELOT told her what had brought him to her
door,
And how ARTHUR'S famous knights had sprawled upon the sandy floor.
"Though," said she, "my quick clairvoyant spirit saw the merry scene,
And I heard you ask each other what the mystic raps might mean;
So I cast a glamour round you, that your dazzled eyes might see
All the glories of the future, and the wonders that shall be.
Ask not why the table moved or what the mystic raps may be;
Marvels, such as these, we Media can't explain without a fee;
But be sure, these things that fright thee in the future shall not fail
To avenge thee on the men who'll deem _thy_ fame an idle tale.
Though the men of future ages you and yours shall despise,
They shall not be wholly prescient, and not altogether wise;
Some defect, to prove them human, shall their brightest plans deface;
Follies worthy of the weakest, shall the wisest age disgrace;
And as if _some_ superstition still the human brain _must_ bother,
They shall but shake off one folly to be taken with another,
So that those, who all the tales of ARTHUR as mere lies reprove,
Shall believe his great round table by his knights' mere will could
move."

As she spoke the glamour faded, and SIR LANCELOT saw the moor
And the woodland stretching out for many a league his road before;
Many a sign of knoll and headland marked an old familiar spot,
So, upon the vision musing, back he rode to Camelot.

[Footnote 1:] This historical personage was apparently the first landlady of the Belle Sauvage.

* * * * *

FRIENDS OF CABMANITY.

SIR ROBERT INGLIS, LORD DUDLEY STUART, and MR BONHAM CARTER are to be congratulated on the highly respectable lifehold residence which, it appears, they have acquired. They are to dwell, conjointly, in the hearts of the cab-owners, where, let us hope, they will not quarrel: especially as MR. BRIGHT is to be their fellow-tenant. On Wednesday evening last, at a meeting of that worthy proprietary, convened for the purpose of asserting the principle of extortion against the Legislature, a man named BEADLE, who proposed a shilling a mile fares, is reported to have said:--

"The gentlemen who sat at the Cranbourn Hotel had endeavoured to
show the Government that they could not live under the law, but they
had met few friends in the House, except SIR R. INGLIS, LORD D.
STUART, and MR. BONHAM CARTER, whose names, he hoped, would never be
effaced from their memories. (_Cheers, and cries of_ 'MR. BRIGHT.')
Yes, MR. BRIGHT had spoken for them, but he had only met sneers and
jeers from those very men who now said that changes must be made in
the bill before they came to work it."

Some people value any kind of popularity. MR. BRIGHT may exult in the shouts of the least respectable Manchester people. LORD DUDLEY STUART may like to be cheered by the baser sort of Marylebonians. MR. BONHAM CARTER may rejoice in the huzzas of the lowest classes of the population at Winchester. SIR ROBERT INGLIS may be elated with the applause of the inferior portion of the inhabitants of Ratcliff Highway. If they do, they will be proud of the position they occupy in the good graces of the proprietors of dirty cabs, miserable horses, and abusive, rapacious fellows.

It must be rather flattering to Church Dignitaries to observe what company they are in, as eulogists and admirers of the Honourable Member for Oxford. The fact itself is not wonderful; for cab fares as they were, and episcopal incomes as they are, are things not very dissimilar, except in having been eightpence a mile on the one hand, and being from five to twenty thousand pounds per annum and upwards on the other.

* * * * *

RECOVERY FROM THE CABMEN'S STRIKE.

(_To the Editor of "Punch"._)

"SIR,

"Permit me to relate the particulars of my wonderful recovery of the use of my limbs, and consequent restoration to health. I was afraid the strike of the Cabmen yesterday would have been a great blow to me. I found that I had to walk three miles to my office. Sir, I expected that exertion to be my death. I have been for years a sufferer from indigestion, occasioning an unpleasant emptiness before meals, and an oppressive fulness afterwards, and attended by headache, giddiness, dimness of sight, shortness of breath, and other premonitory symptoms of apoplexy. I have been bled and cupped, and have taken all sorts of medicine; made my stomach a regular doctor's shop, and not only that but a College of Vegetable Pills and a HOLLOWAY'S Depot. Under these circumstances, I should never have dreamt of walking three miles, if I had not been obliged to do it. I did it, though. It exhausted me a little. It threw me into a perspiration. But, sir, it gave me an appetite for my dinner such as I had not experienced for years. I ate and drank heartily; I had not enjoyed anything so much since I don't know when; and after an unusually ample indulgence in the pleasures of the table, I sunk into a refreshing slumber, which I understand was unaccompanied by stertorous breathing. Sir, I shall continue to walk to my office--whereby I shall invigorate my frame, improve my appetite, save Cab-hire certainly, avoid liability to extortion and insolence, and lose some of the weight without any of the importance of

"A CITIZEN."

"_Hermitage_," _Clapham, July_ 28, 1853.

* * * * *

MOVEMENTS IN (CELESTIAL) HIGH LIFE.

We are informed, by our fashionable reporter, that a _suite_ of apartments on the first floor have just been bespoken at MIVART'S Hotel for the EMPEROR OF CHINA.

* * * * *

THE DISSATISFIED CREATURES!--Cabmen should not complain of being paid at the rate of sixpence a mile; for, look at some of our best Panoramas, they only charge a Shilling--and they are generally "three miles long."

* * * * *

* * * * *

PETITION FROM THE MEDICAL PROFESSION.

"_To the Right Hon. the House of Commons:_

"The Petition of the undersigned sheweth,

"That your Petitioners are members of the medical profession, and earn their living by the sale of pills, plaisters, boluses, black draughts, blisters, powders, and similar commodities, which are administered or applied to persons suffering from sickness, indigestion, bile, lowness of spirits, drunkenness, dissipation, and general debility.

"That your Petitioners are deeply interested in the condition of the working classes of great cities--who toil through excessive hours of labour, and dwell in close, unwholesome habitations. Your Petitioners have ever found their largest and most valuable practice among this class of the community--and continue to do so, notwithstanding the miserable and abortive attempts of Government, and of weak-minded enthusiasts, to interfere with their trade--by improving, 'as it is called,' the dwellings of the poor, and preaching against bad drainage, dirt, and drunkenness.

"Your Petitioners view with alarm and indignation the proposed desecration of the Sunday, by opening the Crystal Palace and its grounds, at Sydenham, to the people of London; and cannot but express their conviction that it would lead to the infliction of serious loss on the profession of which they are members.

"Your Petitioners humbly call the attention of your Honourable House to the fact that they derive a very considerable revenue from the following sources, all of which are threatened to be diminished by the increase of parks, pleasure gardens, and conservatories for the working classes.

"First, From fevers and other diseases generated by heated and
impure atmosphere; from which even one day's escape in seven may
tend to relieve the present dwellers in the dark courts and alleys
of London.

"Secondly, From adulterated gin and British brandy, which are
consumed in vast quantities by a large portion of the aforesaid
dwellers in dark places, who seek in these stimulants some little
excitement during their brief repose from the daily labour of life.

"Lastly, From broken heads, bruises, black eyes, &c., all of which
require a considerable amount of medical treatment, 'both in the
hospitals and out,' on Monday mornings.

"Your Petitioners forbear to enter into the religious portion of the argument, as they do not exactly remember the text in the New Testament which forbids the walking in corn-fields, or gardens, or conservatories on the Sunday; but your Petitioners are of opinion that your Honourable House ought to preserve these privileges as heretofore for Earls, Bishops, and wealthy members of your Honourable House, who can afford to keep gardens and conservatories at their private expense.

"Your Petitioners therefore pray your Honourable House to protect '_their native industry_'--by keeping the doors of the Crystal Palace and its gardens closed against the working classes of London."

* * * * *

THE CABMAN AND HIS PINT OF STOUT.--A FABLE.

A Cabman, being inclined to drink, stepped into a public-house, and asked for a pint of stout, which he swallowed at a draught, and in payment for the liquor laid down a fourpenny piece. The landlord, who chanced to be serving in the bar, being a wag, called after his customer, as the latter was going, "Hi there, you!" to which the other, turning his head, replied, "Halloa!"--"Come, I say!" pursued mine host, "this here won't do!"--"Wot won't do?" demanded the other.--"Wot?" the landlord repeated; "wot's this here?"--"Wot's this here?" returned the cabman; "why, it's a fo'p'ny bit, isn't it?"--"Well, and wot then?" cried the landlord.--"Wot dy'e mean?" retorted the cabman.--"Wot do you mean?" rejoined the landlord; "wot dy'e mean this here for?"--"For a pint o' stout, to be sure," was the cabman's answer.--"Ho, ho, ho, ho!" shouted the landlord.--"Wot are yer larfin' at?" exclaimed the cabman, in astonishment; "Fo'pence a pint o' stout--ain't that right!"--"I s'pose," replied the landlord, "yer calls yerself a gentleman."

Here the people who were tippling at the bar burst into a loud laugh, which awoke the cabman to a perception that the landlord had been making game of him. "Come, come," said Boniface, "I was only chaffin' you; but now I hope you'll see the propriety of takin' wot you're entitled to when you're offered it, without indulgin' in superfluous and unpleasant hobservations."

* * * * *

STRIKE OF THE WIVES OF ENGLAND.

MR. PUNCH has received a letter, written in a bold feminine style, and sealed with a crest, a hand-and-patten--a letter, of which the subjoined are the contents:--

"At the present moment, when everything is rising, it behoves the Wives of England to be up and doing too. There are thousands--perhaps millions of my oppressed sisters this minute married to husbands in the human form who, with a meanness which ought to make them ashamed of themselves, allow so much and _no more_ for the expenses of the house. No matter what are the markets--the weekly allowance is the same. Bread may rise--butter may go up--legs of mutton may advance--and still no rise at home!

"Therefore, it is desired that all wives suffering in silence under the yoke of the tyrant will take their remedy in their own hands; and strike.

"All ladies willing to co-operate--that the blow may be aimed through the cupboards at the husbands on the same day--are requested to communicate (post paid) with

"MRS. MARY ANNE HEN."

"_Shoulder-of-Mutton Fields._"

* * * * *

WANTED, A NOBLEMAN!

We have for some time looked with much curiosity to ascertain the result of the death of a noble Earl, whose name used to be as familiar to us as Household Words, in connection with certain pills which were warranted to cure bad legs, black-legs, and all sorts of legs of every degree of standing.

If the pill and ointment business should have fallen off since the death of the Earl, who was advertised as a living specimen of the benefits to be derived from cramming himself with the one, and saturating his skin with the other, we can only recommend the proprietor to put into circulation the following Advertisement, with the attractive heading of

"WANTED, A NOBLEMAN!"

Wanted, a Nobleman! ready to fill
His noble inside with a Popular Pill.
He must have a Bad Leg, Indigestion, and Gout,
With an abscess internal, that ought to come out;
He must suffer from Headache, Consumption, and pains
In the nerves, and the elbows, the eyebrows and brains;
He must also have tried every doctor in town--
DOCTOR JONES, DOCTOR SMITH, DOCTOR WHITE, DOCTOR BROWN.
But vain must have proved all professional skill,
Till he heard, quite by chance, of the Popular Pill.

Wanted, a Nobleman! full of disease,
From his head to his foot, from his nose to his knees;
With Asthma, Paralysis, Deafness, and Mumps,
Sciatica, Elephantiasis, Dumps,
The Blues, Yellow Jaundice, the Red Gum, White Swelling,
Confining him just twenty years to his dwelling,
And making him pay many doctors a bill--
Till a friend recommended the Popular Pill.

Wanted, a Nobleman! ready to swear,
Of cure or improvement he'd learned to despair;
When a friend, whom he'd known fifty years at death's door,
Whose family long since had given him o'er,
Ran into his chamber with laughter's wild shout;
As he gaily continued to caper about,
Declaring he owed it to taking his fill
(For the last eighteen months) of the Popular Pill.

Wanted, a Nobleman! ready to munch
The Popular Pill between breakfast and lunch;
He must take it at bed-time, at sun-rise, at noon,
At the fall of the leaf, at the full of the moon;
If a noble there is, who's disposed to fulfil
The office of puffing the Popular Pill,
And will of its virtues incessantly speak,
His salary will be a guinea a week!

* * * * *

ST. LUKE'S AND ST. STEPHEN'S.

Posterity will scratch his head when he meets with the subjoined passages whilst studying the Parliamentary intelligence in an ancient file of the _Times_. MR. C. BERKELEY, moving the House into Committee on the Expenses of Elections' Bill, said

"It was now a Bill merely to prevent the use of bands, bell-ringing,
and colours at elections."

After some remarks by MR. COWPER against the Bill,

"COLONEL SIBTHORPE then rose to move, in pursuance of notice, that
the Bill be deferred for three months. He said he had read the Bill
carefully over, and he thought he had designated it as it deserved,
when on a former occasion he had called it a mean, low, dirty bill.
(_Laughter._) It was a dangerous and delusive measure; it was a trap
set for unwary men, who might suddenly find themselves to have been
guilty of an offence which they had no intention of committing ...
It restricted the liberty of the subject...."

However, the House went into Committee on the Bill; and the COLONEL took the opportunity of renewing his protest against it: declaring that

"He would oppose the Bill in every stage, for he regarded it as a
disgraceful, mean, dirty, shabby measure."

After the odd remark had been made by MR. F. SCULLY, that

"With regard to the carrying of flags and banners, he had no doubt
that in England such services were frequently made the means of
corruption,"

The report proceeds to state that

"SIR J. GRAHAM thought the best course would be to give up this
Bill, and proceed as soon as possible with the next order on the
paper, the Lunatics' Care and Treatment Bill."

Proceed with the _next_ Bill--the Lunatics' Care and Treatment Bill? How the _next_ Bill? A Bill on the showing of which it appears that certain poor creatures were in the habit of going about trumpeting, drumming, bell-ringing, carrying flags--enacting such fooleries as these--on the solemn occasion of electing a Member of Parliament; of contributing a philosopher to the Collective Wisdom; a Bill in reference to unfortunates corruptible by means of flags and banners: how, a rational Posterity will ask, could this have been a previous Bill to the other? Must not what was called the next Bill have been, in fact, merely the next clause of the same Bill; a general measure relating to the care and treatment of lunatics?

COLONEL SIBTHORPE'S denunciations of the proposed enactment will not, perhaps, tend very much to prevent Posterity from taking this view of the case.

* * * * *

BOMBA'S BANE.

The _Examiner_ states that the Neapolitan chemists are not allowed to expose bottles, red, white, and green, because they form the tricolours of Italy. We may add that BOMBA has nearly been poisoned by partaking of an English salad which besides lettuce, contained red and white radishes.

* * * * *

THE BETTING HOUSE DEPUTATION.

"A deputation against the proposed Bill for the suppression of
betting-houses had an interview with VISCOUNT PALMERSTON
yesterday."--_Court Circular, Thursday._

Early on the above day, _Mr. Punch_ received a note from his friend, LORD PALMERSTON, apprising him that such a deputation was expected at the Home Office, and asking him to "come down." _Mr. Punch_, who is always ready to come down in a good cause, immediately complied, and may indeed add, that from the disgraceful state of Whitehall (proverbially the worst swept, kept, drained, and watered street in London), _Mr. Punch_ was laughingly charged by his noble friend, on entering, with having "come down with the dust." _Mr. Punch_ need hardly remark that his retort was triumphant. The Home Secretary and his friend were soon apprised that the Betting-house Keepers were in attendance. Buttoning up their pockets, therefore, the two statesmen directed that their visitors should be introduced.

LORD PALMERSTON'S easy manner, not unmingled with a pleasant scornfulness (scarcely perceptible to the fine natures of the Deputation), was a model of the best style of Reception. _Mr. Punch_ was sterner--he could not smile on such folk. His appearance threw the Deputation into manifest consternation, and one of the fraternity was heard to observe, with a most irreverent reference to one of _Mr. Punch's_ features, that "if Nosey was to be heerd, it was all Queer Street." The vulgar party was supposed to mean that _Mr. Punch's_ well-known sentiments on the subject of Betting-houses would render remonstrance ineffective.

"Well, gentlemen," said the Home Secretary, with the smallest inflexion on the latter word, "I promised to see you. What have you got to say?"

"Why, my lord," said a keen, slangy-looking man, with tight light trowsers, a scampish cut-away coat, and a dark blue cravat, adorned with a huge horseshoe pin, "we think, that is me and the rest of us, MR. BOLT, MR. SAINT LEVANT, MR. DIDDLES, MR. FLYPAPER, MR. WHITEWASH, and these other gents" (gracefully introducing each on naming him) "including your humble, namely myself MR. DOOBRUS, we think, my lord, that in this matter Parliament is rather down upon us, and that it ain't the thing. We want your lordship to see it in that light."

"I am open to--to--to--a--to conviction," said his lordship; "or, if the word is offensive to any gentleman present, I will say, to argument."

"My lord," said MR. DOOBRUS, impressively, "the British turf is a noble and manly recreation, fostered by princes, and encouraging the finest breed of--"

"MR.--a--DOOBRUS," interrupted his lordship. "_Mr. Punch's_ time and my own is valuable. Please to keep to the point. Betting-houses have nothing whatever to do with the turf, so suppose we don't talk nonsense. If you can give me any reasons why gambling-shops, that demoralise the rising generation and fill the gaols (with, I am sorry to say, the customers, not the dealers), should not be suppressed, do. But as to talking of the turf, you might as well tell me that St. Paul's is a big church, or, what is a little more to the purpose, that the House of Correction is in Coldbath Fields."

"But, my lord, as a racing man, you must know--"

"I am not a racing man, MR. DOOBRUS, but I have some race-horses. But once more, leave out of the question that which we have nothing to do with. We are speaking as men of business. It's all very well to cant out of doors about "one law for the rich and another for the poor", and to say that "JACK JONES has as much right to bet his half-crown on _Joe Miller_, as LORD BATTLEAXE has to bet his thousand pounds on _Hydaspes_", but that trash is of no use here. Rich and poor has nothing to do with the matter, except that you do your best to make the rich poor and the poor poorer. But when you take JACK JONES'S half-crown he no more bets on _Joe Miller_ than on the Moon. He knows and cares nothing about _Joe Miller_, but he wants to gamble, and a horse's name does as well for that purpose as anything else. What has JACK JONES to do with the turf, or you either?"

"But, my lord," exclaimed all the Deputation, "JACK has a right to gamble."

"Let him. But you shall not keep gambling-houses to tempt and ruin him. The law forbids them to the rich, and so it shall to the poor. The Bill will be law this day fortnight. Anything more to say, gentlemen?"

The Deputation retired, considerably disgusted, and were understood to have subsequently made particular inquiries as to the cost of passages to Australia.

* * * * *

THE TEA-TOTAL MOVEMENT.

The Tea-totallers--whose zeal we much admire, though we cannot rush into the cistern or hang on to the pump with all the ardour they display in their attempts to bring an hydraulic pressure to bear on public opinion--have published a sort of summary of their achievements. They have forwarded "30,000 letters" to noblemen, &c., from which we infer that they have filled at least 300 waste-paper baskets, and furnished wrappers to several thousand quarters of pounds of butter. They have held several hundred "tea-meetings," and they might have added, "munched a million muffins," to say nothing of the consumption of crumpets, which must have been something marvellous. They have delivered some thousands of lectures on water, and have probably exhausted a great many highly respectable pumps in the operation.

We find from a prospectus, that the hot days of August are about to be refreshed by a flood of American eloquence, which is about to be "turned on" at Exeter Hall, through the medium of a MR. GOUGH, of whom it is said that "he makes strong men to weep like little children, and women, to sob as if their hearts would burst." This command over the tears of his audience is an appropriate attribute to one whose mission is to popularise water; and there can be no doubt that when every eye around him is gushing with moisture, he will feel himself quite in his element. If he bears out the reputation he brings with him, his lectures will be no laughing matter; for he is, as it were, pledged to set all the men and women off into so many watering-pots, by drawing from them such a series of wailings and sobs, as will not only drown the voice of the orator, but threaten even to drown those who are assembled to hear him. We hope the Trustees of Exeter Hall will see to the drainage of the building before these orations come off, or we do not know what may be the result of a combination of several thousand floods of tears with the orator's flood of eloquence.

* * * * *

THE REAL SMOKE NUISANCE.

We must confess that our objection to the Smoke Nuisance does not extend so much to the honest chimney-pot of private life, or to the tall smoke-evolving structure of manufacturing industry, as to that useless and disgusting object, the street smoker, who puffs his "cheap and nasty" cigar in the faces of innocent passengers. We sincerely hope that LORD PALMERSTON will render it imperative on those offensive locomotives to consume their own smoke in some way or other. They are usually of a class that may be got to swallow almost anything, and we would therefore suggest that they be called upon to swallow their own smoke, for in the event of there being no other outlet, their mouths are always open to them.

* * * * *

MOST MUSICAL, MOST DIPLOMATIC.

We are particularly happy in being the first to state that the EARL OF WESTMORELAND, our illustrious ambassador at the Court of Vienna, is busily engaged composing a new March of Intellect for the EMPEROR OF AUSTRIA.

* * * * *

THE EUROPEAN CONCERT.

This Concert, which has been going on now for several years most harmoniously, is likely to be disturbed by the fact of Russia, who is, really, very clever on the base, wishing to play first-fiddle.

* * * * *

A GROWL FROM THE SCOTTISH LION.

It was the auld Scottish Lion,
I heard him growlin' sair;
"Deil ha'et, gin I pit up wi'
Siccan treatment ony mair.

"Oh, ance my mane was winsome:
And oh! but my tail was lang;
But on them baith is scorn and scaith,
From Southron deeds of wrang!

"Now up and ride, LAIRD EGLINTON,
That was sae stout in stour,
That when it rainit cats and dogs,
Aye jousted through the shower.

"Now, horse! my provosts and baillies,
And convener of the Trades,
Dean o' Guild, and maister o' Merchants,
The auld Lion craves your aids.

"It's up on your ain middens,
My cocks, sae croose to craw,
And gar play your Scottish fiddles,
And your Scottish bag-pipes blaw.

"And they hae ta'en and sworn an aith--
An aith both strang and true--
That for the auld Lion o' Scotland
They will win back his due.

"I've a sair, sair pain in my belly,
And a sair catch in my breath;
Ye'll mind it was English misdoings
That brocht me to my death.

"And ye've aye uphauld, sae bluff and bauld,
My right my tail to wag,
Aboon the pock-puddins' Lion
Upon the Scottish flag.

"Ye'll to the Prince Royal o' Scotland--
Him the Southrons misca's 'Wales,'
And ask him what gars his household
Wear breeks aboot their tails?

"Why a Scots' prince hasna aboot him
Scots' men and places got,
A' things Scots, but the wages, whilk should be
Punds sterlin', and no punds Scot.

"Say there's a keeper o' the swans
Whose office ocht to cease,
Or Scotland behoves a keeper too,
To keep her Solan geese.

"There's the maister o' the music,
That the music maks ava',
For his thousand puns' a year
I trow he were best awa'.

"Or if no that Scotland ocht to brink
Her music-maister too,
Wi' bagpipe and Scotch fiddle
We'll find him wark to do.

"And they have put down the Scottish mint,
Nae money noo mak' we,
I trow they hae sent to Brummagem
To coin the Scots' bawbee!

"And we hae Parliament Members eneuch
Our votes wi' place to buy;
There's many a gude job in England,
But nae Scots' thumb in the pie.

"And Holyrood Park is a bonny place,
But 'tis nae place for me and you;
And the Embro' baillies lets it
For a kailyard oot to feu.

"And oh, 'tis in geography
We're driven to the wa'--
Till in the map o' Europe
We're hard to find ava';

"And when a Scotsman's to be hung
(E'en Scotland rogues will plague)
There's nae a Scottish hangman to fit
The noose about his craig.

"Now, well-a-day, and wae is me,
For the days of auld lang syne,
When wi' England we had nocht to do
Save liftin' o' her kine!

"The Lion o' a kingdom small
I trow I'd suner be,
Than the Lion of an empire vast
When there's ither there than me."

* * * * *

A CHANCE FOR THE POOR CLERGY.

It is certainly scandalous that there should be any sale of livings, though, if the practice must exist, we are happy to find that a "good living" may be bought for a sum within the crippled means of a poor clergyman, who has not yet exhausted the whole of his begging and borrowing resources and energies. The annexed advertisement will, we trust, attract the attention of the sons of the clergy who may be induced to confer the "good living" on one of the thousands of poor parsons whom the clergy's sons claim the especial privilege of aiding and comforting. The advertisement is copied literally from the _Times_ newspaper.

A GOOD LIVING.--To be SOLD, a new PATENT MANGLE, by Baker, with good
business attached, suitable for any industrious person desirous of
obtaining a respectable livelihood. Price L12. Apply at, &c.

There is a "good living" to be had for twelve pounds, and it is evidently a much better thing than the average run of small curacies, for it will enable a person to obtain "a respectable livelihood."

We are glad to find that the condition of the poor clergy is at length being looked at in its proper light, and that a good mangle may be advertised as a "good living" so as to catch at once the eye of the clerical class to whom the owner of the mangle has evidently addressed himself. We shall really begin to hope that the wretched condition of the underpaid clergyman is beginning to "take a turn," if we can find in Reverend hands a few mangles with "good livings" attached to them.

* * * * *

LONDON WITHOUT A POLICEMAN.--There is a threat of all the policemen striking.--We doubt if London will perceive the difference, even supposing that they do.

* * * * *

LOVE'S LABOUR LOST AT LIMERICK.

Of what use is it to read a good book and transgress its rules in the very act?

The _Times_ has a paragraph, stating that two London missionaries, the REV. MESSRS. DICKINSON and LEWIS, attempted to read and expound the Scriptures to a crowd in Limerick on Sunday evening; when--

"After a few minutes a mob collected and set upon the Reverend
gentlemen, who were severely maltreated. It is computed that 10,000
of the _canaille_ of Limerick were engaged in hooting, yelling, and
throwing stones, where they could with safety to themselves, at the
obnoxious clergymen."

Oh, MR. DICKINSON! Oh, MR. LEWIS! _Punch_ does not quote anything above SHAKSPEARE; but how could you--Reverend gentlemen--how could you scatter sacred words before the Limerick multitude? Have you not sufficiently studied the volume you were reading from to recollect what it says about pearls and--Limerick multitudes? Well--you have disobeyed the precept--and taken the consequences.

* * * * *

SOMETHING REALLY NEW.

_Q._ What Member of the present House of Commons has really made himself a new name in the country?

_A._ The Member for South Essex--who spells his name SMIJTH. We have met with SMITHS in thousands before, and know a few SMITHES, and have been introduced to SMYTHS and SMYTHES by the hundred; but never, in our whole existence, do we recollect having ever met with a single SMIJTH! It's grand! How noble the simple introduction of that _j_ makes it! But we wonder how the servants pronounce it at an evening party?

* * * * *

"REMEMBER THE STEWARD, SIR, IF YOU PLEASE."]

* * * * *

THE RETURN TO DUTY.

BY A VERY MILD CABMAN.

Recalcitration, WILLIAM, cease,
JAMES, we'll return to work in peace.
Alas! the struggle to prolong
Were useless--would be, therefore, wrong.

The Legislature and the Press,
Whom Heaven--although they've wronged us--bless!
Have triumphed by superior force:
Submission now should be our course.

And though defeated, after all,
Our loss, in fact, will be but small;
A slight reduction of our fare,
Which our proprietors will bear.

Employment will increase, besides;
Our friends will take more frequent rides,
And that will amply compensate
For payment at a lower rate.

Whilst o'er our tongue respect presides,
And courtesy our manner guides,
Of temperance let us own the sway,
And that of cleanliness obey.

Of insult or extortion, none
In terror, then, our cabs will shun;
Perhaps ev'n ladies then will dare
To constitute themselves our fare.

And oh, divesting our pursuit
Of altercation and dispute,
How much more pleasantly shall we
Discuss our toast, and sip our tea!

* * * * *

ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

However much the Whigs may be found fault with for their acts of omission, they are perfectly clear about their acts of Commission, for we believe it is indisputable that they have passed more acts that have saddled the country with Commissions than any other Government.

* * * * *

THE TAILOR ASSASSIN.

An unhappy French tailor has been charged, on the evidence of our old friend JOINVILLE, with a conspiracy to assassinate our old enemy LOUIS NAPOLEON. The "conspiracy" looks very like an attempt on our gracious Queen, for the unhappy wretch of a tailor wanted HER MAJESTY'S head on twenty pieces of gold coin, and his design was directed far more upon English sovereigns than upon French Napoleons. Twenty pounds was the price to be charged by the French tailor for making his country free and happy; but, considering that the trade of patriotism is rather at a low ebb just now, we cannot help thinking that the unfortunate humbug placed his services at too high a figure.

Whether the accused really contemplated the murder of LOUIS NAPOLEON is doubtful, though MR. BODKIN was engaged to argue that the tailor designed the _quietus_ of the Emperor with, perhaps, "a bare Bodkin," which, being the instrument of his trade, might have been the intended instrument of his iniquity. Our private opinion of the matter is that the French vagabond, instead of wishing to shed the blood of the present ruler of France, was anxious only to make the PRINCE DE JOINVILLE "bleed" to the tune of twenty sovereigns. Instead of elevating the scamp into a political conspirator, it would be better to treat him at once as a swindler and a would-be obtainer of money under false pretences. There is no greater "mistake" than to assign political motives to a merely mercenary act, and to arraign as a monster, who would have murdered an Emperor, a poor insignificant adventurer who, though utterly hopeless of a "clean shirt," may have aspired to the chance of "a guinea."

* * * * *

THE MAIMS OF MONEY.

You scarcely ever receive change for a sovereign without finding that one of the shillings or sixpences has had a hole drilled through it, which--suggesting a painful doubt as to the exchangeable value of the coin--is altogether a bore. We are glad that MR. WILSON has got leave to bring in a bill to prevent the defacing of the QUEEN'S money; and we hope this measure will have the effect of remedying one of the greatest evils of change.

* * * * *

[_A Picture seen only "in the mind's eye" of Cabby._]]

* * * * *

SUNDAY AMONG THE SEWERS.--The Sabbatarians want to have nothing stirring on Sunday but stagnation; which is not only not conducive to health, but also tends to engender zymotic diseases.

A SUGGESTION FROM SHAKSPERE'S RICHARD THE THIRD.]

* * * * *

KENILWORTH CHURCH AND KENILWORTH CASTLE.

There has reached _Mr. Punch_ a very good-humoured letter from a Reverend gentleman suggesting to him the expediency of subscribing L10 or L20 towards the endowment of a new church at Kenilworth, in order to show that he, _Mr. Punch_, is not opposed to the Christian observance of Sunday, which might, the worthy clergyman seems to think, be inferred from his objection to the Jewish observance of it.

The idea of a church at Kenilworth is peculiarly happy. On Sundays it might be a counter-attraction to the Castle. Success to the exertions of the minister that is to preach in it to render it such!

Our clerical correspondent's suggestion is ingenious; it merits attention: it shall be attended to in good time.

If _Mr. Punch's_ ideas--and circulation--were narrow, he might plead that the church at Kenilworth is not in his own parish. But that would be an invalid as well as a sneaking excuse for parsimony. The parish of _Punch_ is the world.

When all the property appertaining to the Established Church has been so distributed among the clergy as to maintain every one of them, bishops and all, in a style of apostolical competence, and when the whole of the surplus thus created shall have been applied to the endowment of new churches, then, if any more money is wanted for that purpose, _Mr. Punch_ will be most happy to contribute as much as ever he is able; and his munificence shall, in the very first place, effuse itself upon the new church at Kenilworth.

* * * * *

STRIKING CIRCUMSTANCES.

Really JOHN BULL may almost be described as a maniac with lucid intervals. He appears to be always suffering under some form of mania or other. A few years ago it was the Railway Mania--a very dangerous phrenzy. Then from time to time occurs a Poultry Mania, or one of the similar and milder forms of insanity. The mania now prevailing is one which, if not attended to, may perhaps prove troublesome. This is the Striking Mania. Everybody is Striking. The other day it was the cabmen; now it is the Dockyard labourers; the policemen, even, have struck and thrown down their staves. Our mechanics have so far become machines, that, like clocks, as clocks ought to be, they are all striking together.

Should this mania spread, we shall have Striking become what might be called the order, but that it will be the disorder, of the day. The professions will strike; you will send for your lawyer to make your will, and your messenger will return with _non est inventus_--struck; or should you ask the legal gentleman a six-and-eightpenny question, you will discover that he has struck for 13_s._ 4_d._ The physicians and surgeons will strike for two-guinea fees; the apothecaries for ten-shilling mixtures. The clergy will all strike--as indeed some of them, the poor curates, might reasonably do--and pluralists will be demanding forty thousand a year instead of twenty; whilst bishops will hang up the mitre, stick the crosier over the chimney-piece, and hold out against the Ecclesiastical Commissioners for double incomes. In short, almost everybody will strike except the threshers, the smiths, and the pugilists.

With all this striking, though, we had better take care that we are not floored.

* * * * *

Musical Intelligence.

Talking about music--and our Honourable Members have been talking a great deal about it lately--a celebrated professor says: "You generally find that persons who are not fond of music play the Flute."

* * * * *

THE POPULAR LAURIE BALLAD

There is a song to which we have alluded before, called "_Annie Laurie_," being sung at all the Mansion House dinners; and though ANNIE is the name in common use, there can be no doubt that PETER is the party whom the ballad is designed to flatter. We have therefore engaged our own Laureate in the graceful task of fixing on the head of the LAURIES the honour which had been conferred on ANNIE, by a poet evidently unconscious of the "coming" Alder-"man."

The Mansion House is bonnie when dinners are not few;
And it's there that PETER LAURIE gave me his promise true,
Gave me his promise true that I his guest should be;
And for Old SIR PETER LAURIE I'd lay me doun and dee.

His neckcloth's like the snaw-drift; his frill like down of swan;
His watch-chain is the smartest electro e'er shone on,
Electro e'er shone on! And green is his coatee;
And for Old SIR PETER LAURIE I'd lay me doun and dee.

Like lead on the pavement dropping is the fa' of his heavy feet;
And like winds in winter blowing, his voice on the judgment seat,
His voice on the judgment seat! And, though he frightens me,
For Old SIR PETER LAURIE I'd lay me doun and dee.

* * * * *

WONDERS OF THE DEEP.

We paid a visit to the Regent's Park Zoological Gardens the other day, for the purpose of noticing the collection of Mollusca, Zoophytes, &c., and very much regret to find it incomplete.

There are specimens from the German Ocean and the Bristol Channel, but none from the Sees of London, Durham, Rochester, or Salisbury, the rapacity of whose tenants is so well known, that there is no doubt, could their destructive propensities be as clearly seen as those now exhibiting, the very Sees themselves would be drained to stop their depredations.

On inquiring the reason of the absence of so interesting a collection, we were told that although a variety of nets, such as the Ecclesiastical Commission, WHISTON'S Inquiries, and others, have been tried, they have never succeeded in bringing these very recondite creatures above the surface, for when they perceive their approach to public gaze, they become so alarmed, and struggle so violently, as always to succeed in escaping to their natural shelter among the riches deposited at the bottom of their Sees.

The most rapacious among them is said to be the "Episcopus," as only one of them can be found in a See. This will not cause surprise, for it has been ascertained that L10,000 per annum is devoured by a single specimen. The Episcopus is always attended by a crowd of Rectors, Canons, and Vicars, who are all more or less grabiferous.

These curious animals are said to possess a peculiarity wanting in all other species, that of ubiquity; as they are supposed to be able to be in several places at once.

* * * * *

SHOCKING LANGUAGE.