Chapter III: Introduction: Volume Xxv.----July to December, 1853 (2)

"Still, you'll never go in a boat that"--but he put his hand over my mouth, and went on.

"I declare, beloved LOTTY, when I look upon ourselves--two young creatures--going forth upon the waters to search for and authenticate our bearings--when I reflect, my darling, that not merely ourselves, but our unborn great grandchildren"--

"Don't be foolish, FRED," said I; but he _would_.

"That our great grandchildren, at this moment in the dim regions of probability, and in the still dimmer limbo of possibility"--

"Now, what _are_ you talking about?" I asked; but he was in one of his ways, and it was of no use.

"Are, without being awake to the fact, acutely interested in our discovery; why our voyage becomes an adventure of the deepest, and the most delicate interest. Open your fancy's eye, my love, and looking into futurity, just glance at that magnificent young man, your grandson"--

"Now, I tell you what, FRED, don't be foolish; for I shall look at nothing of the sort," and with the words, I shut my eyes as close as shells.

"Or that lovely budding bride, your grand-daughter"--

"No," said I, "nor any grand-daughter, either; there's _quite time_ enough for _that_."

"Any way, my love, those dearest beings are vitally interested in the matter of our voyage. Therefore, I'll at once go and charter a boat. Would you like it with a deck?"--

"Why, my love, my dearest--as for a boat, I"--and I felt alarmed.

"COLUMBUS found America almost in a punt," said FRED; "then surely we may seek our arms in"--

"But stop," I cried; for he was really going. "After all, love," and I resolutely seated myself on his knee, and held him round the neck--"after all, you have not told me what _are_ your arms? I mean your arms from JOAN OF ARC."

"Why, you know, my love, that JOAN OF ARC was a shepherdess?"

"I should hope I knew as much as that," said I.

"Very good. Well, in order to perpetuate the beautiful humility of her first calling, CHARLES THE SEVENTH magnificently permitted her and all her descendants, to carry in her shield--a lamb's fry!"

"Now, FREDERICK!"

"Such are my bearings, inherited in a direct line--I say in a direct line--from the MAID OF ORLEANS!"--

"From the MAID OF--" and then I saw what a goose he had made of me; and didn't I box his ears, but not to hurt him; and didn't we afterwards agree that the hall-chairs should remain as they were, and that life might be beautiful and bright enough without a touch of herald's paint.

How we _did_ laugh at the family pippin!

* * * * *

GARDENS WITHOUT A WATERPOT.

A well-founded objection has been raised against the Zoological Gardens; one objection: and that the only one that we can think of. It is complained, with truth, that no proper liquor is provided for the children to drink there. Ginger-beer, soda-water, and lemonade are not fit for children at all times, if they are fit at any, and cherry-brandy is good for nobody; not even for the young ladies who alone drink it; for it neither quenches thirst, nor causes hilarity: which are the sole valid reasons for drinking anything whatever, except physic. It appears that the only juvenile taps in the Gardens are those which supply water to the gardeners. If these afforded the pure element, it would be all very well; but their contents are much more suitable for the nourishment of plants than for the refreshment of little boys and girls. Numerous and interesting as are the varieties of the animal creation contained in these Gardens, the collection does not include that useful individual of the mammalia, the common cow, to produce a drop of milk for the little ones.

Even if children could drink soda-water and cherry-brandy, it would be, for many a father of a family which he takes to the Zoological Gardens for a holiday, much too heavy a disbursement to treat his progeny with soda-waters and cherry-brandies all round. If the Society cannot manage to add an ordinary milch cow to their quadrupeds, they might, at least, establish the cow with an iron tail. They have evinced great solicitude for the comforts of all the specimens of the inferior orders of animals on their grounds; and doubtless, now that their attention has been directed to the subject, they will make the requisite provision for a very pressing want experienced by the young of the genus Homo. With such a fact before them as the Camp at Chobham, they would indeed be inexcusable if they were not immediately to rectify a glaring deficiency in their Commissariat for the Infantry.

* * * * *

MEAT FOR MAWWORMS.

The gin-shop keepers and Sabbatarians ought to get up a petition to the QUEEN, praying HER MAJESTY to remove SIR WILLIAM MOLESWORTH from her councils, because the Right Hon. Baronet has directed the Royal Pleasure Grounds at Kew, and the Royal Botanic Gardens also, to be opened on Sundays; which must cause a shocking desecration of Sunday to be committed in the enjoyment of flowers and fresh air, accompanied by an equally awful decrease in the consumption of "Cream of the Valley."

* * * * *

THE BANK OF RUSSIA.

The House of NESSELRODE and Co. has issued a Circular Note--which, however, is a very different thing from a Letter of Credit. We don't think they are very likely to get it discounted.

* * * * *

FAST LADIES.

HER MAJESTY'S Drawing Room was remarkable for the carriage of every lady who attended it; and it may be observed that each one came in a special train.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A HINT FROM THE GALLERY.

MR. PUNCH observes that his friends the parliamentary reporters did a sensible thing lately. An Irish faction-fight was detaining the House of Commons from its bed at the unseemly hour of three in the morning, and seemed likely to last until six. As the dawn broke, the gentlemen of the gallery, wearied with the gesticulations of LORD CLAUDE CLAMOUROUS--for the best Peter Waggey that ever came out of the Lowther Arcade ceases to amuse after a time--wearied with the iterations of LORD CHAOS, for a man cannot always have an eminent statesman, or an old friend, to carp at--wearied with what MR. GLADSTONE gently called the "freshness" of MR. CONNOODLE, fresh as dew from the mountain--the reporters, we say, suddenly shut up their note-books, and retired into their own apartment. The tongues of the Irish orators faltered, they looked up piteously at the long row of empty benches, murmured that it was unreasonable that the reporters should think that eleven hours and a half of talk was as much as the journals for which they work could conscientiously republish, and the profitless squabble was brought to a speedy close. _Mr. Punch_ cordially approves of the remedy, and suggests that on another and a similar occasion it be tried a little earlier.

* * * * *

SOLDIERS AFLOAT.

A few more such showers as we have had lately, and the Camp at Chobham will become a flotilla.

* * * * *

MRS. MAGNALL'S HISTORICAL QUESTIONS

(_As they should be written for Young Ladies_).

A history of England for young ladies remains yet to be written. The usual ingredients of a reign cannot be interesting to the youthful female mind. Battles, with the number of killed and wounded; party feuds, with the names of the ministers who succeed one another in place; the slow march of public events, and the men who march slowly with them; the eternal round of diplomatic and political relations--which, as they never marry, are the last relations a lady cares for; these, we say, are not exactly the subjects that would engage the sympathies or the attention of a young girl. What romance, what possible interest is there in any one of them? No! we would change all that, and have our English History written in a style popular, easy, and graceful, and alluding only to such subjects as ladies understand, or can best appreciate.

Our proposal, however, will be at once apparent by the nature of the following questions, which we have extracted from a History supposed to be written according to our sensible plan;--

HISTORICAL QUESTIONS FOR LADIES.

(_Taken principally from the Reign of_ QUEEN VICTORIA.)

What do you mean by the "Crush-Room of the Opera;" and why is it so called?

When did _gigot_ sleeves go out of fashion, and did such sleeves have anything to do with the popular French phrase of "_Revenons a nos Moutons?_"

What do you mean by "Crochet Work"? and can you set the pattern for ladies of "How to make a purse for your brother?"

Who edited the "Book of Beauty?" and mention a few of the aristocratic names whose portraits have had the honour of appearing in its splendid pages.

Can you describe the habits and haunts of the "Swedish Nightingale?" and can you mention the highest note it ever reached, and also why it sang in a Haymarket?

State the name of the "Bohemian nobleman" who first brought over the Polka to England.

In what year of VICTORIA'S reign was the celebrated _Bal Costume_ given at Buckingham Palace? and describe the dress that HER MAJESTY wore on that interesting occasion.

Give the names of the principal singers who distinguished themselves at the two Italian Operas during the rival administrations of GYE and LUMLEY, and describe the nature of the feud that existed between those two great men.

Give a description of "Pop Goes the Weasel," and state all you know about the "Weasel," and what was the origin of his going "Pop."

Who succeeded WIGAN in the _Corsican Brothers_?

Mention the names of the principal watering-places, and say which was considered the more fashionable of the two--Margate, or Gravesend?

When did flounces come into fashion, and state the lowest and the highest number a lady could wear?

Describe the position of Chiswick--and give a short account of its Gardens, and the _Fetes_ that were held there every year.

What were the duties of the Ladies of the Bedchamber, and in what respects did they differ from the Maids of Honour at Richmond?

Mention the names of the most delicious novels that were published between the years 1840 and 1853, and name the character and scene that pleased you the most.

Whose gloves do you consider were the best?

What was the last elopement that created any sensation at Gretna Green?

State who was JULLIEN? also, whether he had anything to do with the soup that bears his celebrated name?

* * * * *

TEA-TABLE TALK.

A lady living at Peckham Rise has nearly ruined her husband by the enormous prices she has been giving for Cochin-China fowls. The poor fellow is always pointed at in the neighbourhood, so the story goes, as "the Cochin-China-pecked husband."

A gentleman at a party, where table-turning was the principal amusement of the evening, upon hearing that the power of turning mainly depended upon the will, instantly recommended his wife, as he "begged to assure the company she had a very strong one, and he had never known anything able to resist it."

* * * * *

A GOOD DIRTY JOB.

It is pleasant to find that the Commissioners of Sewers are stirring; notwithstanding the result proverbially ascribed to stirring in such matters: and we hope we shall soon be enabled to expect that the Metropolis will be drained with some degree of rational assewerance. If this great object is successfully accomplished, we take the liberty of recommending that the Chairman of the Commission should be raised to the Peerage, by the title of LORD SCAVENGER.

* * * * *

TEST OF GOOD HUMOUR.--Wake a man up in the middle of the night, and ask him to lend you five shillings.

* * * * *

"HEY, COLIN! DINNA YE KEN THE WATTER'S FOR DRINK, AND NAE FOR BATHIN?"]

* * * * *

"THE SOLDIER'S DREAM."

(_After_ T. CAMP-BELL. _By_ A. CAMP-BEAU.)

We were wet as the deuce; for like blazes it poured,
And the sentinels' throats were the only things dry;
And under their tents Chobham's heroes had cowered,
The weary to snore, and the wakeful to sigh.

While dozing that night in my camp-bed so small,
With a Mackintosh over to keep out the rain--
After one glass of grog, cold without--that was all--
I'd a dream, which I hope I shall ne'er have again.

Methought from damp Chobham's mock battle-array,
I had bowled off to London, outside of a hack;
'Twas the season, and wax-lights illumined the way
To the balls of Belgravia that welcomed me back.

I flew to the dancing-rooms, whirled through so oft
With one sweet little partner, who tendril-like clung,
I saw the grim chaperons, perched up aloft,
And heard the shrill notes WEIPPERT'S orchestra flung.

_She_ was there--I would "pop"--and a guardsman no more,
From my sweet little partner for life ne'er would part,
When sudden I saw--just conceive what a bore--
A civilian--by Jove--laying siege to her heart!

"Out of sight, out of mind!" It was not to be borne--
To cut her, challenge him I was rushing away--
When sudden the twang of that vile bugle-horn
Scared my visions, arousing the Camp for the day.

* * * * *

SPIRITS ABOVE PROOF.

It seems that DR. PAUL CULLEN and the Ultramontanists have procured the rejection, from the Irish National Schools, of the ARCHBISHOP OF DUBLIN'S _Evidences of Christianity_. Hence it may be presumed that the "_Evidences_" of ARCHBISHOP WHATELY are favourable specimens of WHATELY'S logic, and afford some really sensible and satisfactory reason for believing in the Christian religion.

* * * * *

OUR HONEYMOON.

FRIDAY, MAY 24, 18--.

I am not superstitious--certainly not: but when I woke this morning, I felt as if something would happen; though I said nothing to FRED. With the feeling that came upon me, I wouldn't have thought of going to France for worlds. I felt as if a war must break out, or something.

"I knew it; I was certain of it," said I, when I'd half read the letter from home.

"In that case," said FRED, in the most unconcerned way, which he _will_ call philosophy, whereas I think it downright imprudence--but I fear dear Mamma's right; all men are imprudent--"In that case, we might have saved postage."

"Now FRED, don't be frivolous. But I see, there'll be nothing right at home till we get fairly back. Everything will be sacrificed."--

"Is that your serious belief, my love?" said FRED, finishing his tea; and I nodded very decidedly.--"Well, then, suppose we pack up our traps and return to-day. And talking of home, you can't think, LOTTY, what a present you've made me without knowing it."

"Have I indeed? What present, love?"--

"It was in my sleep; but then, it was one of those dreams that always forerun the reality. Do you know I dreamt that we'd returned home, and somehow when I tried to sit down in my chair, up I jumped again; and so again and again. Whenever I tried to be quiet and stretch my legs out at my fireside, I seemed possessed with a legion of imps that would lift me from my seat and pull me towards the door."--

"Hm! That's a very ugly dream, FRED," said I; and I know I looked thoughtful.

"Very: but it's wonderful how, like a tranquillizing spirit, you appeared upon the scene. I thought, my dear, you looked more beautiful than is possible."--

"FREDERICK!"--

"Not but what I'm quite content as it is. You know, my love, it might have been worse."--

"Well," said I, "Mamma needn't have written to me that my honeymoon was nearly ended. It seems I'm not likely to forget _that_."

"And when it was impossible for me to remain in the chair--when I continued to get up and sit down, and run here and run there--then, as I say, you appeared like a benevolent fairy--bearing across one arm what seemed to me a rainbow turned to silk; and in the other hand carrying a pair of slippers."

"Well; and then?"--

"And then, with a thought, I had put on the morning-gown;--for it was that you carried--and placed my feet in the slippers. There never were more beautiful presents; never richer gifts for a wife to make her husband. For would you think it, LOTTY? No sooner had I wrapped the dressing-gown about me, than I became settled in the sweetest repose in my chair: and the very walls of the room seemed to make the softest music. And then the slippers! Most wonderful! Would you believe it, LOTTY--wherever the slippers touched, a flower sprang up; flowers and aromatic herbs! The very hearth seemed glowing and odorous with roses and thyme. But then, you know, it was only a dream, LOTTY. There's no such dressing-gown--and in this world no such slippers;" and then--I could see it--he looked in his odd way at me.

"I suppose not, FRED," said I; for I wouldn't seem to understand him. "And then, if such slippers could be found, where's the husband's feet to fit 'em? 'T would be another story of the glass slipper."

"Who knows when we get home? But what's happened?" and he pointed to the letter.

"Well, then, the pigeon-house has blown down; and Rajah's flown away; and a strange cat has killed the gold-fish; and, in fact, FRED--as dear Mamma writes to me; not, as she says, she'd have me worry myself about the matter--in fact the house wants a mistress."

"I have no doubt your excellent mother is right," said FRED; "and as you won't go to France, suppose we make way for _The Flitch_. Do you know, LOTTY, I'm curious to know if--after all--those slippers mayn't be found there."

"_I'll_ take care of that," said I; "but you know, FRED, we can't go back yet."

"Why not?"--

"Why, you know our honeymoon isn't quite out; and"--

"And what of that? We needn't burn all the moon from home. What if we put the last fragment on a save-all, and see it out at _The Flitch_?"

"It isn't to be done, FRED," said I; for I knew how people would talk. "Of course, 'twould be said we were tired of our own society, and so got home for company."

"Nevertheless," said FRED; "you take the flight of Rajah, that dear bird, with wondrous serenity."

And it then struck me that I did _not_ feel so annoyed as I ought. "Ha, FRED," said I, "you don't know what my feelings may be; don't misjudge me because I don't talk. I can assure you, I am very much disturbed;" and I _was_ vexed.

"Perhaps, then"--said FRED--"you'll take a little walk towards the Steyne; and recover yourself? I've some letters to write, my love: and--'twill do you good--I'll join you."

"Certainly"--said I--"of course; if you wish it," and then I wondered why he _should_ wish to get rid of me. It never happened before. Yes--and the thought came again _very forcibly_ upon me--it's plain the honeymoon's nearly out; and then I left the room; and as I left it, didn't I _nearly_ bang the door?

"Why should he wish to get rid of me?" I seemed quite bewildered with this question. Everything seemed to ask it. He could have written his letters without my leaving the house. However, I felt glad that I contained myself; and especially glad that I didn't bang the door.

Well, I ran and put on my bonnet; and then just peeping in at the door to FRED, said, "I'm going;" and in another minute was taking my way towards the Steyne. It was such a beautiful day; the sky so light; and the air so fresh and sweet, that--yes, in a little minute, my bit of temper had all passed away--and I did well scold myself that, for a moment, I had entertained it. I walked down upon the beach. Scarcely a soul was there: and I fell into a sort of dreamy meditation--thinking about _that_ morning-gown and _those_ slippers. "I'll get 'em for FRED, that I will;" I resolved within myself. "Roses _shall_ grow at the fireside; and repose _shall_ be in his arm-chair. _That_ I'm determined:" and as I resolved this with myself, everything about me seemed to grow brighter and more beautiful. And then I wished that we were well at home, and the slippers had, for once and all, been tried and fitted. The gulls flying about reminded me of Rajah: and I _did_ wonder at myself that I could think of his loss--that would have nigh killed me at one time--so calmly. But then, as Mamma said, and as I've since discovered,--it's wonderful what other trifles marriage makes one forget.

There was nobody upon the beach: so I sat down, and began a day-dreaming. How happy we should be at home, and how softly and sweetly all things would go with us! And still, as the waves ran and burst in foam upon the beach, I thought of the slippers.

I hardly knew how long I'd been there, when a little gypsey girl stood at my side, offering a nosegay. I looked and--yes, it was one of the gypsies, at whose tent FRED and I took shelter in the thunderstorm. However, before I could say a word, the little creature dropt the nosegay in my lap; and laughing, ran away.

Such a beautiful _bouquet_! Had it been a thing of wild or even of common garden flowers--but it was a _bouquet_ of exotics--and how were gypsies to come by such things? Then something whispered to me--"stole them."

I didn't like to throw the thing away; and as I remained meditating, FRED came up. "Pretty flowers, LOTTY," said he.

"Yes: selected with taste--great taste, an't they?" said I; and I cannot think what whim it was possessed me to go off in such praise of the _bouquet_.

"Pretty well," said FRED.

"Pretty well! my dear FRED; if you'll only look and attend, you'll own that the person who composed this _bouquet_ must have known all the true effect of colours."

"Indeed," said FRED; as I thought very oddly; so I went on.

"Every colour harmonizes; the light, you see, falling exactly in the right place; and yet everything arranged so naturally--so harmoniously. The white is precisely where it should be, and"--

"Is it truly?" and saying this, FRED twitched from among the flowers a note that like a mortal snake as I thought it lay there.

"Why, it's a letter!" I cried.

"It looks like it," said FRED.

"It was brought by a gypsey," said I; and I felt my face burning, and could have cried. "It's a mistake."

"Of course," said FRED: "what else, my love? Of course, a mistake."

And then he gave me his arm, and we returned towards the Inn. FRED laughed and talked; but somehow I felt so vexed: yes, I could have cried; and still FRED was so cool--so very cool.

* * * * *

ANOTHER CHANGE IN FRANCE.

Every liberal-minded person will be glad to hear that LOUIS NAPOLEON is about establishing baths and washhouses in Paris. The cause of order in France has been threatened chiefly by the unwashed; and the EMPEROR will promote the peace of society by causing that dangerous class to disappear.

* * * * *

THE BREAKSPEARE TESTIMONIAL.

According to the _Athenaeum_, a Cardinal's hat is about to go round--in obedience, however, to no new force or principle. Our learned contemporary says:--

"There has been only one English Pope, and of him there has been
hitherto no public monument in the city over which he ruled. The
omission is now, it seems, to be rectified. A committee has been
formed with a view to collect subscriptions; PIO NONO has given his
blessing, CARDINAL ALTIERI his countenance, and CARDINAL WISEMAN has
received instructions to collect the money in this country....The
sum named for the monument is L6,000 ... A magnificent memorial is
to be erected to him in St. Peter's. The attempt to elicit such a
declaration in England at such a time is a clever trick enough; and
in order to its success, one of the grounds of appeal to the pockets
of Englishmen shows a profound knowledge of the weak side of our
national character. Wherever JOHN BULL wanders, it has been observed
that he carries with him a passion for recording his autograph. The
BROWNS, and SMITHS, and JONESES write their names on the Pantheon
and Pyramids, temple and tomb. The Cardinals have had the wit to
make a direct appeal to this passion; they offer to inscribe the
name of every donor of L60--which they are willing to receive in
monthly instalments of 20s.--on the base of the monument of POPE
NICHOLAS BREAKSPEARE."

Under POPE NICHOLAS BREAKSPEARE, _alias_ ADRIAN IV, ARNOLD of Brescia was burned alive--having first, we believe, had his nose wrung off with red hot pincers. Who will indorse the sentence upon ARNOLD by causing his name to be carved on the monument of NICHOLAS?

As nearly seven centuries have elapsed since the time when this mild and beneficent Pontiff flourished, there may perhaps be no portrait in existence to afford any idea of his venerable physiognomy. With what sort of a face to represent him, then, may be a difficulty: unless the problem should be solved by a special miracle. Failing that, the best plan would be to give him the features of somebody likely to resemble him. NERO might do for the model: but NERO'S is not an English face. Under these circumstances GREENACRE might be suggested: but as ADRIAN IV was a man of some force of character, perhaps, on the whole, it would be better to choose RUSH.

* * * * *

_With a Wine Cup of the Period._]

* * * * *

ANOTHER IRISH GRIEVANCE.

WESTMINSTER BRIDGE--The new one, is, according to SIR WILLIAM MOLESWORTH, to be built of stone from Ireland. Another evidence of the eagerness of the Saxon to trample upon everything Irish.

* * * * *

LAYING IT ON THICK.

Of a certain author--or artist--or actor--or somebody else--who had acquired much notoriety by laudatory criticisms--it was said that his reputation was built of plaster.

* * * * *

PUNCH AT A ROYAL CHRISTENING.

It is not often that _Punch_ has to protest against anything that happens at our own Court, but unless the Court Newsman has misinformed us, there was something very objectionable in the proceedings at Buckingham Palace on the occasion of the last Royal Christening. Recollecting that the Sponsors promise in the name of the infant to renounce "the pomp and glory of this world," we cannot help asking whether the following description of what took place is not lamentably at variance with the spirit of the promise that was given:--

"The sacred rite was performed in the private chapel in the Palace,
which was duly prepared for the occasion. Two rows of chairs of
crimson satin and gold were placed on each side of the centre, for
the use of the QUEEN, the Sponsors, and the Royal personages invited
to be present."

This might pass as coming under the head of luxury rather than of pomp, but what shall we say to the next paragraph?--

"The altar was lined with crimson velvet, panelled with gold lace,
and on the communion-table were placed the golden vessels used in
the Sacrament, with salvers and two large candlesticks. Seats of
crimson and gold were placed for the officiating clergy. The font
was placed in advance of the _haut pas_; it was a most elegantly
formed tazza of silver gilt, the rim was formed of the leaves and
flowers of the water lily, and the base from which its elegant stem
sprang was composed of infant angels playing the lyre; in the front
was the Royal arms. The font was placed on a fluted plinth of white
and gold."

Riches, we are taught, add to the difficulty of entering the Kingdom of Heaven, then why this profusion of gold to encumber the first step of a Royal infant on his entrance into the Church which is to secure his eternal happiness? "Gold lace," "golden vessels," and seats of "crimson and gold" for the clergy, are scarcely the appliances that would seem appropriate to the ceremony of receiving the "sign of the cross," which is certainly not typified by any of the accessories of pomp and splendour that abounded on that occasion. Surely this must have struck on the mind of some one or more of the assembled grandees, who, if not too much wrapt up in the idea of their own and the surrounding grandeur, may have remarked that

"Over the altar was a fine piece of tapestry representing the
baptism of our Saviour."

If the tapestry told the truth, there would be no clergy in gold seats; no font appropriated to Royalty by a vulgar display of the Royal arms over the front of it; and no infants or any one else "playing the lyre" at the simple solemnity, of which a Royal Christening is but a gaudy mockery.

As a further assistance to the infant in renouncing the pomps and vanities of the world, we find that

"The Heralds and Kings of Arms were on duty to usher the
distinguished personages to their places in the chapel, and conduct
the Royal processions. There were present ALBERT WILLIAM WOODS,
ESQ., Lancaster Herald; WALTER ASTON BLOUNT, ESQ., Chester Herald;
JAMES PULMAN, ESQ., Clarenceux King of Arms; ROBERT LAURIE, ESQ.,
Norroy King of Arms; and SIR CHARLES GEORGE YOUNG, Garter Principal
King of Arms; the whole wearing their splendid tabards, and the
Kings of Arms their distinctive insignia."

It is really sad to think that in an age which prides itself on common sense, and at a Court confessedly adorned by the many virtues of the Sovereign and her family, conventionalism still holds such sway, that one whom it is no flattery to call an ornament to her high position still feels herself under the necessity of converting a solemn religious ceremony into a vulgar display of luxury and vanity. Can it be supposed that the admission of the Royal infant into the Christian flock required the assistance of archbishops, bishops, and clergy on seats of crimson and gold, the presence of Heralds and Kings-of-Arms, a whole bundle of Gold and other Sticks, the Master of the Buckhounds, and the whole hue and cry of Court "pride, pomp, and circumstance;" which, however appropriate to some occasions, are utterly at variance with the admission of an infant to a religion for which humility is one of the chief requisites?

The Court is justly looked to in this country as an example; and the QUEEN, as mother, wife, and woman, is indeed one whom all would do well to imitate. For this reason we still more regret the recent display which will set all the servile crew of imitators to work to emulate, as far as they can, the pomps and vanities of a Royal Christening. The influence will extend down to some of the humblest ranks of society, and we shall have the _Herald_ and the _Post_ full of accounts of how MRS. JONES of Jonesville had the altar decorated, the Bishop got up, the font covered with the arms of JONES, and all the appliances of Royalty aped at the baptism of the JONESIAN infant.

We have no objection to the party, and the banquet after the ceremony, but when the next comes--and we hope there may be many yet--we trust HER MAJESTY will use her own good sense, and release all future Royal Christenings from the trappings of pomp and vanity with which custom has hitherto entangled them. We must say, in conclusion, that HER MAJESTY is not responsible for all the pompous foolery against which we have raised our voice, for it has been customary long before she came to the throne, and she has, in many instances, had the courage and good sense to abolish many empty observances. We hope, on the next occasion of a Royal Christening, to find her exercising her own proper feeling in divesting the occasion of all those forms which are at variance with its spirit.

* * * * *

CHOKING IN THE ARMY.

There is one species of Stock in the conversion of which no difficulty whatever would be experienced. Indeed, the experiment with this description of Stock has been successfully tried in the Indian portion of the British Empire; as is proved by the following extract from a general order:--

"The Commander-in-Chief is pleased to direct the entire
discontinuance of the leather stock in all the Honourable Company's
European regiments under this Presidency."

The British soldier would be very much obliged to LORD HARDINGE, if the gallant nobleman would please to convert his Stock from a rigid, galling, strangling band of leather into a collar of more flexible material. That common tailors occasionally discount bills is no reason why "clothing Colonels" should have to do such a "bit of stiff" for their men as the military Stock. The infliction of flogging in the army has been greatly mitigated, even in the cases of grave offenders; would it not be as well to abolish altogether the gratuitous punishment of the Stocks?

* * * * *

SPIRITUAL MANIFESTATIONS GOING A-HEAD!

REV. GLENDOWER S. FIBBS, of Salem, U. S., has been induced, by the extensive interest of the British aristocracy in the SPIRITUAL MANIFESTATIONS which have lately been introduced from America, to visit this country with a view to the exhibition of OCCULT PHENOMENA, on a scale which, owing to the prevalence of an illiberal spirit of persecution, has been hitherto unattempted in this or any other country since the era of Egyptian magic. He is accompanied by three ACTUALLY POSSESSED MEDIUMS, who will utter responses, and afford correct information on doctrinal subjects, under the influence of SPIRITS. He has also, at the expenditure of a considerable sum, secured the co-operation of a genuine WIZARD and WITCH from Boston, Mass., who will prove the REALITY OF SORCERY and MAGIC by OCULAR DEMONSTRATION, to the satisfaction of the most incredulous and determined sceptic.

The WIZARD will evoke the SPIRIT of any DECEASED PERSON who may be agreed upon by the Party Assembled, and compel it to appear in a visible form before the eyes of the Spectators, deliver predictions, &c. The WITCH will perform the much controverted, but undeniable and surprising feat of RIDING ON A BROOMSTICK; and to illustrate the power of SORCERY over the elements, will raise a Tempest on a small scale by BREWING A STORM in a Tea-pot. She will also exhibit the marvellous PHENOMENA of TRANSFORMATION, by changing herself succesively into the shape of various animals: after which she will summon her FAMILIARS, in the shape of CATS, TOADS and SPIDERS, and finally, together with her ATTENDANT IMPS, VANISH UP THE CHIMNEY. The WITCH and WIZARD are really and truly what they profess to be, having both of them effected a _bona fide_ sale of themselves for 100 dollars a-piece to the GREAT MASTER, well known as the LARGEST SLAVE OWNER OUT OF THE STATES.

The _soiree_ to conclude with the APPEARANCE of the DEUCE himself, whom the REV. GLENDOWER S. FIBBS will raise in a magic circle upon the platform, entirely divested of supernatural terrors which might be calculated to alarm the timid and nervous. The circle will be so carefully charmed, as to preclude all possibility of his breaking through it, as effectually as if he were a bear on the top of a pole. The object of the REV. G. S. F., being to convince the Public of the fact of Spiritual Existences, will, he trusts, meet with the SUPPORT and APPROBATION of serious and enlightened minds.

_At home every morning from 10 to 2, for private consultations._

Obnoxious Parties bewitched; Discovery of Stolen Goods, Philtres, &c., &c., on moderate terms.

_Magic Mirrors, Divining Rods, &c., Loaned or Sold, Soirees commence at 8._

AMERICAN DRINKS.

* * * * *

* * * * *

OUR RUPTURE WITH RUSSIA.

We cannot help regretting that anything should be done by our military authorities to irritate the sore place which has been established in our relations with Russia. We, therefore, read with a degree of pain--which made us almost cry out, for we were really much hurt--that a letter dated June 27th, 1853, has gone out from the Horse Guards, prohibiting all general and staff officers from wearing Russia ducks by way of trousers. Whether this is meant as an insult to Russia we are unable to state; but we fear that Russia in the present sensitive state of affairs will regard this declaration of war against Russia ducks as an indication of a desire to provoke hostilities.

* * * * *

DIPLOMATIC PASTRY.--There is every probability that the dish heretofore known as NESSELRODE Pudding will, in future, be denominated Humble Pie.

* * * * *

_Captain Holster._ "HERE! HI! SOME ONE!--STOP MY _BED ROOM!_--HI!"]

* * * * *

A SEAMSTRESS THAT WON'T STARVE.

The _Glasgow Chronicle_ describes a sewing machine, which has been introduced by a MR. DARLING. This DARLING will be considered a duck by some of our fashionable milliners; and his Jenny will be just the seamstress for their money, as she will ask no wages, want no food but a little oil, and be able to do without any rest whatever. Our own shirts, also, will be more comfortable to wear when we shall be enabled to think to ourselves that their manufacture has been ground out of wheels and cogs at small cost, and not out of human nerves and muscles for miserable pay.

* * * * *

DRINKING HEALTH.

MR. HARKER will perhaps have the goodness to propose at the next great Civic banquet this toast:--"Extramural Interment: or the Incorporation of London with Gravesend."

_Grenadier._ "I SAY BILL, I WONDER WHAT THEM LADIES WOULD SAY, IF WE WAS TO GO LOOKING INTO _THEIR_ ROOMS!"]

* * * * *

THE KEY TO THE RUSSIAN QUESTION.

It seems after all that the great _casus belli_ between the Porte and Russia is "Who shall keep the key of the Greek Church?" The contest is to determine whether the key in question shall dangle on the watch-chain of the Greek, or hang on the bunch with the street-door and other keys of the Latin patriarch. We might as well allow the EMPEROR OF CHINA to interfere with us, and insist on appointing a protector of Temple Bar, for the purpose of deciding whether the QUEEN or the LORD MAYOR shall have the custody of that rusty old myth, the Key of the City. It is absurd, and yet awful to think, that all Europe should be kept on the _qui vive_ about a key of no real value, and which, in fact, nobody cares about.

We think we can furnish a key to the whole difficulty, and we can point the way to a pacific solution of the question by putting the affair into the hands of our friend CHUBB of St. Paul's Churchyard, or our equally enlightened friend BRAMAH of Piccadilly. We are convinced that either of these ingenious individuals will undertake to dispose of the question, "Who shall keep the key?" by furnishing each party with a duplicate. By this arrangement either of the individuals claiming custody of the key will have it in his power to avoid the necessity of either picking the lock or picking a quarrel.

* * * * *

ENTERPRISING UNDERTAKERS.

OPHELIA, in her madness, exclaims, "They say the owl was a baker's daughter." This was a delirious mistake. What they do say, or ought to say, is, that the owl is an undertaker's son. For truly the son of a certain sort of undertaker has an owl for his father: is an owl and the son of an owl, that ominous bird which

"Puts the wretch that lies in woe,
In remembrance of a shroud."

Witness the subjoined statement by a correspondent of the _Daily News_:--

"A member of my family is just recovering from an illness which, for
a time, kept all about her in daily apprehension. The fact of the
illness becoming known in the neighbourhood, I am forthwith
inundated with undertakers' circulars, in which all the horrid
paraphernalia of the tomb are set forth, together with the various
merits, "readiness," "dispatch," &c., of the applicant, expectant of
his job, and all this is shamelessly, indecently, wantonly, thrust
before the very eyes of afflicted relatives, watching the sick bed
with feelings racked between the alternations of hope and despair."

Precisely as the light in the sick chamber elicits the shriek of the screech-owl, so does the muffled knocker attract the puffs of the advertising undertaker. With the attributes of the owl, however, these death-hunters combine the propensities of the crow and the vulture, which repair to the spot whereon a creature is dying, and hover impatiently about their prey that still breathes. Occasionally, no doubt, the vultures and crows, by a premature bite or dig of the beak, expedite the process of dissolution, and very likely the other birds of prey not unfrequently do the same thing: for one of these undertakers' circulars getting, by the folly of an old nurse, or any other misfortune, into the hands of a person dangerously ill, would be extremely likely to occasion a fatal shock, and convert the expected corpse into an actual one.

The writer in the _Daily News_ says that he called on one of the senders of these disgusting handbills, and informed the sordid and unfeeling snob that in case the services proffered by him were ever, unhappily, required, he would undoubtedly not be employed to render them. It is to be hoped that the determination expressed by this gentleman will be strenuously acted on by everybody else; and that when any one gets hold of a communication of this sort under similar circumstances, he will, instead of flinging it in a rage behind the fire, carefully preserve it, for the purpose of showing it to all his acquaintance, in order that they may make a note of the advertiser's name, lest they should ever forget it, and be induced to give any custom to such an odious brute.

Mind, however, that if you will associate sepulture with upholstery, you must expect to have upholsterers looking to sepulture with mere upholsterers' feelings. You ought not to be surprised that undertakers speculate on the prospect of a job at your house. It should not astonish you if one of these gentry were to propose to measure your wife or child for a coffin. If your funerals must needs be "furnished," your funeral furniture will involve competition, and its incidental snobbisms. Put away the soul's old clothes in a plain box, with decent rites and no other ceremony. Deposit them where they may most conveniently decompose, and deposit as little as possible of any value to decompose with them. Why should it cost a considerable sum to put a small piece of organic framework into earth? Whilst that operation continues to be expensive, we shall be sure to be pestered by candidates for its performance, invading the very chamber of sickness with tenders of cheap coffins, reduced shrouds, moderate palls, ridiculously low hearses, economical mourning coaches, and highly reasonable feathers.

* * * * *

THE GREAT CAB REFORM.

AFTER several years of grumbling on the part of the public, we have at last got a Government that has been "strong enough" to venture on what, in the highly intelligent circles of Downing Street, has hitherto been considered the "hazardous question" of Cab Reform. It is a positive fact that until MR. FITZROY took the matter in hand, every administration has been "afraid" of the introduction of a Cab Bill, lest it should have opened the door to opposition, or, in other words, the public were to be crammed into wretched cabs, lest the Cab-in-et should be turned out.

Everybody with half a grain of common sense was perfectly well aware that Cab Reform would be one of the most popular things a Government could undertake; but it has required several years to make this plain fact intelligible in high quarters; and even now, there has been a timidity in dealing with some portions of the subject of Cab Reform, which, though the new Act is very good, as far as it goes, will soon cause the public to complain. We, however, desire to give all praise where it is due; and especially to MR. FITZROY, who will go down to posterity with his aggravated Assaults' Act in one hand, and his Cab Law in the other, to say nothing of the County Courts' Measure sticking out of his pocket. The sympathy shown by the present Government towards riders in cabs affords a proof that we have in the Administration--(now, reader, prepare to be knocked over by an unexpected blow)--a few really Cabbin'-it Ministers. We will conclude with a lyric tribute to MR. FITZROY, adapted to the itinerant air of--

CHEER! BOYS, CHEER!

Cheer! boys, cheer! no more of imposition,
Cabs at true fares shall bear us on our way;
MAYNE'S smart police shall show the proper tariff,
Telling us exactly what we have to pay.
So farewell, fraud--much as we've endured thee,
We'll let alone what may have gone before,
Why should we growl at having paid back carriage,
We shall not have to pay it any more.
Cheer! boys, cheer! for _Punch_ and MR. FITZROY,
Cheer! boys, cheer! for _Punch_ is our right hand;
Cheer! boys, cheer! there's fruit of FITZROY'S labour,
Cheer! boys, cheer! for the new Improved Cab Stand.

Cheer! boys, cheer! no wind is on us blowing,
Through broken panes upon our neck and chest,
This horse can go the distance we are going,
By over work he is no more opprest;
Once we had cabs--than hencoops scarcely better--
Through open spaces letting in the rain;
Now, ours shall be the clean and well-built carriage,
And at a price as moderate again.
Cheer! boys, cheer! &c.

* * * * *

PASSIONATE MEN.

"Men in a passion should be treated like kettles--when they boil over, they should be taken off."

* * * * *

PECUNIARY DEMANDS.

Of all men it must be confessed that the Tax-gatherer has the most calls for his money.

* * * * *

A GUARDSMAN'S CONFESSION (_overheard at Chobham_).--"On my word there's no greater Bore in the world than your military Drill!"

* * * * *

_Second Cock Sparrow._ "YAS. I FANCY IT IS RATHER GRAND; BUT THEN, YOU SEE, I GIVE THE WHOLE OF MY MIND TO IT!"]

* * * * *

STANZAS TO ERIN. ON THE DUBLIN EXHIBITION.

Oh Emerald Isle, brightest pearl of the ocean,
First flower of the earth, on thy newly-born wings
Soar up to the sky, with triumphant emotion,
Whilst thou sittest, receiving the homage of kings.

Raise, Erin, thy brow, which no longer is clouded
And seared by the cold brand of chilling neglect;
Stand forth in the garb of festivity shrouded
As thy sons and thy daughters, fair maiden, expect.

Exchanging thy widowhood's lonely condition
For the splendour and state of a blushing young bride,
Preside, unabashed, o'er thy Great Exhibition,
Thy heart humbly swelling with glory and pride.

Yes, Ireland, thy lap filled with all the world's riches,
Of thy shirt-sleeves the elbows, gone ragged of yore,
Shall no longer hang out at the knees of thy breeches,
And the toes of thy brogues out at heel go no more.

Too long has the Demon of fell agitation,
By the dark torch of discord diffused o'er the land,
Created a stir, which has caused a stagnation,
Bringing business, and everything else, to a stand.

Away with Brigades--they're all mighty bad bargains;
Away with those heads that are nothing but tails,
The footsteps for you, boys, to follow, are DARGAN'S:
And don't proceed backwards in DR. MACHALE'S!

* * * * *

AN OBVIOUS MISTAKE.

An advertisement has appeared in nearly all the papers, announcing as a "novel and thrilling attraction" that

"Two ladies will make their ascent on Monday evening next, suspended
from the car of the Royal Cremorne Balloon."

There is evidently some mistake in the announcement of this unwomanly and degrading exhibition. We cannot well allow that to be an "ascent" where the parties engaged so completely lower themselves.

* * * * *

INSPECTION OF CAVALRY BY GENERAL PUNCH.

MAJOR-GENERAL PUNCH having appointed this day for the inspection of the QUEEN'S Piebalds, that gallant and distinguished corps arrived at Chamomile Scrubs at 9 o'clock in full marching order, and formed line with rear to the railway, to await the arrival of the General. The inspections of the General are generally looked forward to with much interest by the cavalry, in consequence of their practical nature; and this being so close upon the Chobham affair, a considerable amount of cramming had been practised by the subalterns, who had given up their days and nights to the getting up of their "echelons," "wheels," &c., and the other interesting information afforded by the book published by authority of the Adjutant-General.

The General arrived shortly after the troops, and immediately proceeded to business. He first inspected the ranks; and having ascertained (as indeed had been ascertained before, in "troop," "squad," and "grand parade") that the men's hair was cut according to the regulations, that the whiskers were in line with their ears, and that their "boots were polished and jackets were trim," he made a minute inspection of the appointments, pointing out the mode of fastening the carabine as giving ample room for improvement. The pouch he was particularly displeased with, asking somewhat snappishly, "What the devil it did at the back when it was wanted in the front?" He also made some observations about the cartridges, blank as well as ball, which we couldn't catch. The regiment then marched past by squadron, files, troops, threes, &c. While ranking past by single file--a movement, by the bye, which is particularly slow in more senses than one--the General resumed the subject of the appointments, and paid particular attention to the valise, and mode of packing it; but as his observations were repeated in an after part of the day, we need not here insert them.

The sword exercise was next performed in a manner which did great credit to the adjutant. Indeed the pursuing practice, at a gallop, was particularly exciting; the troops scouring the Scrubs in pursuit of nothing, with a zeal and vigour which must have struck terror into the heart of NICHOLAS, or even his illustrious namesake himself, had either witnessed the scene.

The evolutions next commenced, GENERAL PUNCH himself giving the word of command--the practice he always adopts at his inspections, in order to prevent the possibility of commanding officers cramming their troops with a series of common-place movements. However, things went off very well, notwithstanding. While the skirmishers were out the General took the opportunity of again pointing out the great inconvenience, not to say the utter uselessness of the pouch, which article of war, by the bye, he seems to be properly "down upon." It was noticed indeed that nearly all the skirmishers dispensed entirely with its use, putting their ammunition in their breasts, or rather, in the breasts of their coats. The gallant General galloped about from flank to flank with great fury, "dressing" the line and the leaders with a nicety which must have greatly pleased the adjutant. The manner in which he shouted "Up, up, up, up the l-l-left!" "Back the r-r-right!" must also have been equally approved of by that officer.

On returning to barracks, the General went round the stables, attended by the Colonel and the officers of their respective troops. It is this part of the day's business that always causes the "funking" (if we may be allowed to apply that term in military matters) of the officers. The General being well "up" in all the minutiae of stable economy, mostly puzzles the officers with his curious information respecting straps, buckles, wallets, shoe-cases, &c., a sort of information which, though it may be thought "boring" to acquire, and though it may seldom be necessary for officers to apply in quarters, would be found very essential in actual warfare, or at Chobham, where it was not unlikely an officer might be left without his "batman," and have to shift for himself.

We give a specimen of the sort of information required by the General of these affairs, premising however that he does not select an individual officer, and subject him to a lengthened catechism; but good-humouredly dodges from one to another, so that no one feels as if he had been subjected to an "examination." The following may be given as a summary of the answers elicited:--