Chapter XXXI: Letter XLIII (11)

"An she do speke no more than the plane truthe, Surr. Poleecin of a husban punishes the wife and not im. Prizzen gives im a warmer rufe over his ed than he ad afore; prizzen fare cunis more reglar than his hone, an cante be no planer nor harder nor scantier than wot he ave leff; prizzen reggulashuns kepes im clener an elthier an cumfurtabeller than he cood be in hour corts an hallies, an if prizzen labour wos from siks in the mornin till siks in the hevenin, its honely wot hese bin hused to. But the wife of his buzzum, as ave bin harf murdered by him, have to slave and drive to kepe bred in the mouths of _his_ children (an say NANCY JONES, 'if it wosn't for the children, Ide ave give im back his ring at the werry fust nok he giv me'), an must wurk arder than hany HUNCLE TOM as ever wos, or go to the workus, wich few peepul can abide, an hall this she must do in the hexpektashun of seein of im out agin, an of the preshus hidin she'll git at their next appy meetin. An so many a pore creetur nevver peeches on the man as is a killin of her, lest she shood bring herself to dounrite starvashun. But, Surr, if husbands wos to get as good as they gave, an have a preshus good hidin with a catoninetales hevery time they bete their wives, praps the smart of their own flesh wood teche em not to make huther peepul suffer, and if they wos flogged nere their one homes, the other brutes as node em, and as is naterally kowherdly, would kepe their hands off their wives wen they sede wot theid get by betin of em. An so I ope ule try to bring about corpral's punishment for such offences, wich i suppose it is so called becos the corprals does the floggin in the harmy, and hoblidge your

"Humbel charcoman,

"JANE GIMLET."

* * * * *

THE LIVERY OF THE CITY OF LONDON.

After the very conspicuous manner in which the City Corporation has been busying itself in the matter of PRINCE ALBERT'S Statue, the Livery of the City of London should be immediately altered to that which is usually worn at Court. As the Aldermen and others do not mind appearing before the public as flunkeys of PRINCE ALBERT, the least they can do is to wear His Royal Highness's livery.

* * * * *

THREE THINGS MODERN YOUNG MEN CULTIVATE.--The acquaintance of a young lady with plenty of money--shirt collars as high as a garden wall--and a moustache.

* * * * *

NEGLECTED SCOTLAND.

A sensible Scotchman writing from Haddington to the _Times_, says that "the real grievances of Scotland are not her insulted Lions, nor her deserted Holyrood," but lie in "her ill-paved, worse-lighted and undrained market-towns, and in the incurable apathy of the inhabitants to sanitary reform."

This gentleman says that, on Tuesday last, at a meeting of the inhabitants of Haddington, it was proposed to adopt the drainage clauses of the New Police Act. After an earnest and solemn appeal from their parish minister imploring them "to unite with heart and hand in bringing the influences of pure air and water to bear on the wretched homes of their poorer brethren," followed by an awful warning from a medical officer of the town, "the householders (many of them wealthy men)" rejected, by a majority of ten to one, a bill for their assessment, in order to have their streets and houses cleansed, at the rate of 10_d._ in the pound.

A week previously, the SCOTCHMAN states, the Haddingtonians had devoted a day to fasting and humiliation in the hope that the pestilence might be averted from them.

Fasting involves self-denial. The Haddington fasters cannot deny themselves to the amount of 10_d._ in the pound. They cannot fling that tenpence into the gutter, to sweep it, although the gutter is poisoning their poor neighbours, and may poison themselves too.

Christians are supposed to wash their faces when they fast. Whether the Haddington housekeepers accompany their fasting with any ablution may be doubted, since they refuse to pay 10_d._ in the pound for washing their town. By preference, for cheapness sake, they would rather perhaps fast in sackcloth and ashes; but as all sackcloth is now used up in sacks, whilst ashes are carted away for manure, their fasting possibly consists in wearing their usual clothes, and sitting still in their usual filth, and doing nothing. Whether they abstain from anything else--from haggis or sheep's head, or collops, or whiskey-toddy--in addition to abstinence from wholesome exertion--we do not know.

As to the Scotch Lion playing second fiddle in the Royal Arms, he may bless the sometime DUKE OF ARGYLE and his stars, and be contented to have any place there to fiddle in at all. By all heraldic right he ought to be ousted altogether, and his place should be occupied by the more appropriate emblem of a Pig; a whining, grunting, odoriferous Hog Rampant, sprawling in the filth of towns.

* * * * *

GARE LA GAROTTE.

Our friend and contemporary the _Sunday Times_ (whose zeal for the spread of Democracy, for the non-suppression of Betting Houses, and for the purification of the Turf and the Church, we gladly recognise), in commenting upon an excellent article in which the daily _Times_ dissuades the charitable from encouraging street mendicancy, has the following startling remarks:--

"While on this part of the subject, we would suggest the impolicy of
withholding from the metropolitan mendicants, whether impostors or
not, the scanty means of support....We would counsel the old ladies
and gentlemen _not to hold their hands_, lest the sturdy vagabond,
who now contents himself with extracting pence from their humanity
by whining, _should take to strangling them in the dark streets_, as
some members of the fraternity have lately done in Manchester."

Really, _Mr. Punch_, who believes that in his time he has done no bad service to the cause of real Democracy (by which he means a system for the benefit of the many and not of the few), begs to say that these utterances by the "Champion of Democracy," are more worthy of one of the ruined clients of the _Sunday Times_, the Betting House Keepers (who may now be properly termed vagabonds), than of a respectable journalist with his faculties in order. Threatening decent people with strangulation because they decline to assist imposture, is rather a strong argument. Luckily, there be things called Policemen.

* * * * *

_PUNCH_ AND HIS PIPPINS.

The "immediate apple of our eye" is an American apple, which we happen to have in our eye at the present moment. It is not an apple of discord, but an apple which comes home to our very heart's core with its assurances of friendship. A Correspondent, who signs himself "THE AMERICAN ENTHUSIAST," has allowed his enthusiasm to take the very sensible turn of a present of apples to _Punch_, who, while receiving it, proceeds to cut it up; and, like some critics, shows his taste by making mince-meat of it. We have perused the whole of the apples with great satisfaction, and though we might find a spot here and there, the blemish is only on the surface; for when we descend a little lower than skin deep, we find the apple quite worthy of the appellation of the American Prince of Pippins, which we hereby confer on it.

* * * * *

INTEREST FOR PRINCE ALBERT'S STATUE.

Give PRINCE ALBERT a Statue?--Yes, certainly, at the proper time; may it not arrive for a thousand years! But when it does arrive, up with the Statue; a Statue which shall have been merited by a highly useful life, whereof the promotion of the cosmopolitan fair in Hyde Park will have been one only among the remarkable acts. In the mean time, that the memorial may be worthy of the hero, put the money already subscribed towards it out to increase and accumulate; by which means, in addition to the interest which our descendants will take in the work, we shall also transmit to them compound interest that will help to pay for it.

* * * * *

* * * * *

Political Ins and Outs.

Everybody thought LORD PALMERSTON a thorough-going Reformer, but since he has left the Cabinet it would appear--from the _Times_--that his Lordship refused to remain in, because he is an out-and-out Tory.

A COLLECTIVE BEING.--A Tax gatherer.

* * * * *

HARD DEALING WITH A HAWKER.

Know, all men, that Falconry is no longer a British pastime, but Hawking continues to be practised, though, like Shooting, it is not lawful without a license, and in that case is punishable by a swinging fine. The _Sussex and Kent Mail_ contains a distressing illustration of this fact; which we subjoin:--

"TUNBRIDGE WELLS. PETTY SESSION,

Nov. 12.

"_Before_ J. DEANE, ESQ.

"HAWKING WITHOUT A LICENSE.--MICHAEL DERLEY was brought up in
custody, charged with selling mats without a license. The accused
did not deny the charge, but contended that he had a right to do so,
as he manufactured the articles himself. He had done the same thing
in hundreds of towns, and had never before been interrupted; _he had
his mother and brother to support, both of whom were deaf and dumb_.

"MR. DEANE inquired if the prisoner had been cautioned, and on
receiving a reply in the affirmative (from P. C. MORGAN) intimated
that he could not allow the statement of the prisoner to influence
his decision. The tradesmen of the town, as well as persons taking
out licenses for hawking, must be protected, and he (the prisoner)
must pay a _fine of_ L10, _or go to prison for seven days_.

"The prisoner requested MR. DEANE to inform him under what Act he
was committed.

"MR. DEANE declined to give the information.

"The Clerk to the prisoner--You can find that out when you get to
gaol."

Is there any mistake here? Was it for stealing mats that the prisoner was committed instead of being sent to gaol for selling them? If not, does there exist a law so atrocious as to warrant his committal?--if there is no such law, breathes there such a magistrate as MR. DEANE? And does Mr. Deane continue to hold a place on the Bench?

The poor man appears to have had a judge, as well as a mother and a brother, afflicted with deafness, if not dumb. MR. DEANE was deaf to his appeal for mercy, and dumb when challenged to justify his punishment. We cannot say, we hope that DERLEY obtained the information which he was so kindly informed that he might seek for in gaol. If no Act existed to warrant his incarceration, he would have a legal remedy for what morally, at any rate, was a false imprisonment.

* * * * *

DEBATE ON THE HUDSON QUESTION.

(_By slight Anticipation._)

IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT--Monday, 13th February, 1854.

HOUSE OF LORDS.

Their Lordships met at 5, but rose immediately, in order to afford various Peers an opportunity of hearing what was going on elsewhere.

HOUSE OF COMMONS.

Petitions having been presented, notices of motion given, and questions disposed of.

MR. ROEBUCK rose to bring on the motion which he had placed on the book. He said he should be very short (_A laugh_). He could not express his loathing and contempt for the vulgar and brutal ribaldry which could find matter for a grin in a man's appearance. He should be temperate, as all the world knew he always was (_Hear, hear_), and should merely read to the House an extract from a document to which the Hon. Member for Sunderland had sworn, and which that Hon. Member had placed on record in a Court of Justice, in which MR. HUDSON--(_Order_) What was the use of the servile pedantry that adhered to rotten forms? (_Order_.) Well, in which the honourable--very honourable--right honourable--would that do?--Member swore that he had expended certain moneys, or used other means, in bribing and corrupting members of the legislature to favour railway schemes in which he was interested. Conceiving that a legislator who could bring such a charge against his fellows was utterly unfit to sit among them, he should--without the least personal feeling--move that MR. GEORGE HUDSON be expelled the House of Commons (_Hear, hear_).

MR. HENRY DRUMMOND seconded the motion, but only for the purpose of saying that he perfectly believed every word to which MR. HUDSON had sworn (_Hear, hear_). He had last session given Lords and Commons, aye, and Ministers and Knights of the Garter too, his opinion of the extent to which corruption was carried in these days, and he reiterated his assertions. Still, though offences were to come, woe to them by whom they came, and therefore he should support MR. ROEBUCK.

The SPEAKER having put the motion,

LORD JOHN RUSSELL, as leader of that House, said that he should make very few remarks on a very painful subject. He had carefully looked into Magna Charta, and also into the Bill of Rights, and was inclined to believe that neither made any provision for the case of a railway director who should endeavour to promote steam-traffic by unlawful means. So far they were in the dark. But it was desirable, nay, necessary, to consider rather the spirit of the constitution than its exact letter, and he thought that if the House would refer the matter to a Select Committee, they might attain their object. The instruction to that Committee would be to inquire, first, whether steam carriages were known in the days of KING JOHN, and if not, whether any portion of Magna Charta appeared to bear on the case. Next, he thought, the Committee might inquire whether, at the Revolution, steam travelling had been invented, and how far the Bill of Rights might have contemplated wrongful Railway Bills. On receiving the report the House would determine on its next step. (_Hear._) He moved an amendment in accordance with his suggestion.

MR. DISRAELI was the last person to infuse into a question any element not patently consanguineous with it; but, with all deference to the noble Lord, he must respectfully inquire whether the noble Lord's suggestion did not tend to the implicit stultification of the House. Why, the noble Lord asked the Committee what he had already told them himself, and did not ask that which it was momentous to register; namely, whether in the chancery archives a damnatory record had been deposited. (_Hear, hear_.)

COLONEL SIBTHORP said that the noble Lord professed a great deal of virtue, which was all humbug. _Facilis descensus Averni_. He believed all Ministers to be knaves, especially when they most pretended to decency. _Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes._ He should leave the House (_laughter_); but before he went, he would just say that if the noble Lord, instead of wallowing in turtle and champagne (_laughter_), would introduce wise measures, he should be supported by wise men, himself amongst the rest. _Judex damnatur cum nocens absolvitur._

MR. G. H. MOORE said that had MR. HUDSON been an Irish Member he would have been expelled long ago, but such was the beastly bitterness of England towards his, MR. MOORE'S, unhappy countrymen that, as MR. HUDSON usually sat near the Irish Members, he was allowed to remain there in the hopes that he might contaminate the high and pure morality which they had learned from their beloved priests, and which shed a holy and blessed light around their path, to the utter discomfiture of the bigoted, blatant, and blasphemous Protestants.

MR. LUCAS confirmed MR. MOORE'S statement as to the virtues of the Irish, and the wickedness of the English, and made an animated attack upon the Church of England, adding an affecting history of the persecutions to which Catholics were exposed in Protestant countries.

MR. DUFFY, MR. SCULLY, CAPTAIN MAGAN, and other Irish Members having dilated upon this branch of the subject for about two hours, LORD PALMERSTON suggested--he hoped that as--a--a--an Irish proprietor, he might be permitted to offer a hint to Irish gentlemen (_laughter and cheers_), that they were a little departing from the points which perhaps offered themselves most prominently; at any rate--a--a--so it seemed to him. (_Hear._) Perhaps it might be advantageous on the present occasion to--a--a--sink the POPE. (_Great uproar on the Irish bench._) Of course he meant nothing offensive to His--a--a--Holiness. (_Laughter._) Honourable gentlemen had certainly travelled very far, but they seemed to have avoided Hudson's Bay. (_Shouts of laughter and cheers._) He thought, really, that as the Hon. Member for Sunderland was present, he might be asked whether he had anything to say for himself. English gentlemen were not in the habit of acting harshly or inconsiderately. (_Loud cheers._)

AN IRISH MEMBER (_indignantly_). "Are Irish?"

LORD PALMERSTON (_laughing_). "_Qui capit ille facit_", you know."

There were then calls for--

MR. HUDSON, who rose and said, "My position is noways pleasant, and I shall not intrude long upon the ouse. In the first place I never said, exactually, that I had bribed members of the legislature, but only that I had applied shares in a way calculated to promote the interests of a certain company. What I've said, I've sworn to; and what I've sworn to, I stick to, of course. I don't see anything to be ashamed of in what I have done; but people differ on these points, and every man has a right to his own opinion. The ouse can do as it likes. But one thing I do mean to say, and that is, that if the ouse has a bad opinion of me, I've a precious bad opinion of a good many people in the ouse, and out of it too. What was I? A provincial shopkeeper, who was lucky enough to make a deal of money. Very well. Did I court Dukes, and Markisses, and M.P.'s, and orficers in the Guards, and dowagers, and debbytarntes, and all that? Not I. They courted me. They came to my ouse, and ate my dinners, and flattered my family, because I'd got a load of money, no matter how; and because some of 'em thought they'd get a slice, the others wanted me to put 'em up to dodges to get money for themselves. Same in this ouse. I couldn't come in here, when I was rich, as the right hon. gentleman in the cheer has seen and knows, but a mob of young aristocrats, aye and old ones too, all gathered round my white waistcoat, and were all fawning and affable, and jocose like. Now, see how they keep away; and if I run against them, some cut me, some only nod. Is it because I'm worse than I was? No, only because I'm worse off. My golden sunshine brought out the vermin, and now that's gone they're gone too. You may expel me, but you can't make me forget, when I had my big ouse which the French have taken, how Lords, and Barnets, and Guardsmen, and the Hort No Bless, and their females crawled and cringed and fawned to the rich Yorkshire linendraper. And if I git right, as I don't doubt to do, I shall have 'em round me again. Money does the trick in England, and it's despicable cant to say it don't. I am in the ands of the ouse."

The Hon. Member's address caused considerable sensation, especially among certain strangers in the privileged galleries. MR. HENRY DRUMMOND was observed to rub his hands with much enjoyment. LORD JOHN RUSSELL'S amendment was negatived without a division, MR. ROEBUCK'S motion was then carried, and, on the motion of MR. WILSON, a new writ was ordered for Sunderland, vacant by the expulsion of MR. GEORGE HUDSON.

* * * * *

THE FASHIONABLE ZOOLOGICAL STAR.

We are sorry to see that the Zoological Gardens have lately got into the "Star system." Not content with a good working company of bears and monkeys, they must have particular "Stars" to bring the million in. Some time ago it was a hippopotamus, who made all London run after him. Then there was the baby elephant, who was a source of great interest to mothers. After them followed a chimpanzee, and a serpent-charmer, and a whole forest-full of humming-birds, and we cannot recollect what else. All of them, however, were great attractions in their way; in fact, it may be said that the animals lately have completely taken the shine out of the actors. As the theatres have gradually become more empty, the Zoological Gardens have perceptibly become more crowded. What actor, recently, has had anything like the success that for a whole season ran panting, pushing and squeezing after the Hippopotamus? It was a fight of parasols to get near him--it was a joy greater than that of a new gown to have seen him! What is the reason of this strange preference? Is it because the public prefer Nature to Art?--or is it because the actors speak, and the animals do not?

However, the "Star system" is not likely to be so ruinous here as at most places of entertainment. We need not say that the Zoological Stars receive no salaries, beyond their board and lodging; and they are not likely to ruin their managers with salaries like those. They are paid regularly every day at the usual feeding hour, and we have not heard of an instance of any animal, no matter how popular he may have been, having struck for more beans, or refusing to make his appearance unless he had a double allowance of paunches.

The latest "Star" at this establishment is the Giant Ant-Eater--that is to say, if you can call him a Star at all, for, with a tail like his, he is much more like a comet. It is indeed a tail!--so long is it, that you imagine it must have been originally published in four-and-twenty numbers, and that they are here all bound up together. And a pretty thick volume it makes too! DANIEL O'CONNELL'S "tail" must have been a wisp of straw compared to it. It hangs like a small willow tree--only instead of being green, it is a dark badger colour, and, in texture, resembles some of the long brushes we have seen made of Indian grass. It is as flexible as a party-politician, for it can be turned at will to any side. What is the use of such a tail it would be difficult to say, though as far as that goes, you might as well ask what was the use of a lady's bonnet, for the one is not worn more at the back than the other. When the Ant-Eater lies down to sleep, he throws this voluminous tail, like a Scotch plaid, round him, and we have no doubt it keeps him very warm. So, you see, it is of some use after all; and, for what we know, as he comes from a very warm climate, the Ant-Eater may use his tail in the summer to fan himself with. We are told that he is met with in the plains of the Brazils; but, from his habit of spreading his thick hedge of a tail all over his body, we should say that he was much oftener found in the Bush. In fact, it is a complete furs-bush--extending out nearly to the same length as his body. He is a curious animal, take him altogether. In shape he reminds you somewhat of a German pig, which is not the most elegant object a person can meet with on a long day's journey; only a German pig would be an English greyhound in symmetry by the side of him. The Ant-Eater is as hairy as a goat, and all along the ridge of his neck he carries a long frill of hair that stands upright, short and thick, like a long plate-brush turned upside down. Then the hair falls down his front legs, taking the form of a pair of black top-boots. These front legs look at first like hoofs, for the nails, the length of which any woman of spirit would envy, are turned underneath, and the noise he makes in walking upon them sounds exactly as if he had got clogs on. His snout, also, is extremely peculiar, being admirably adapted, from its length and narrowness, for getting the marrow out of a marrow-bone. It is longer than any cucumber reared by a penny-a-liner, only gradually tapering towards the end, in which is enclosed the tongue, to which it seems to act as a sort of case.

This case is made of bone; and, really, when the tongue issues from it, it looks like some very fine surgical instrument that had shot out of its case upon a spring being touched. We hardly know what to compare the snout to, unless it is a very long and thin strawberry pottle, that some wicked boys have been tying over his mouth. This strawberry pottle is his only feature, for his eyes are so small that they are rather eyelet holes than eyes; but then, in its great bounty it more than balances, and leaves a large surplus over, for the miserable poverty of his other features. We know of no other animal that could be so easily led by the nose. As for his coat, the hair on it takes various colours. You remark a long stripe of red running by the side of a long stripe of black or yellow. The colours, on his breast particularly, are as distinct, and the lines as sharply marked, as the different-coloured grains you see arranged in a seedsman's window. The poor animal looks remarkably stupid, but happy. He wanders about his cage in a very inquiring manner, looking for his blessed ants, whom he cannot find anywhere, and making with his claws the noise of a French peasant walking in wooden shoes. He leads a very fashionable life, being up generally all night, and sleeping all day. There his accomplishments seem to begin and end; for he does not sing, nor bray, nor bark, nor low, nor whistle, nor make any noise whatever, except the one with his toe-nails, which must be particularly disagreeable during the night to the poor Chimpanzee who lives in the next cage to him. We tried very hard to dive into the Ant-Eater's thoughts; but, with all our diving, could not bring up any satisfactory proof whether the beast was aware of the great popularity he had suddenly rushed into. Like BYRON, we suppose he awoke one morning, and found himself famous. Let him not be too conceited, for "Stars" rise and fall at the Zoological just as quickly as at other places.

* * * * *

* * * * *

SHAMEFUL DEAFNESS AND DEFECTIVE HEARING.

The late delivery of letters, and the illegal retention of books and prints by the authorities of the Post Office, have occasioned many remonstrances to be addressed to those officials, but without effect. The reason probably will be found in a new proverb, which it has become necessary to substitute for an old one. Instead of saying Deaf as the Post, it is now usual to say, Deaf as the Postmaster-General.

* * * * *

PALMAM QUI MERUIT.

It used to be generally supposed that LORD PALMERSTON had sufficient effrontery and self possession for the entire Cabinet, but circumstances have shown that he is the most retiring member of the Government.

* * * * *

THE COMING MAN.--Reform BILL.--_Lord John Russell_.

* * * * *

_Mary._ "OH! IF YOU PLEASE, THE YOUNG LADIES WANT YOU TO PLAY A POLKA."

_Organ-man._ "AH, MISS! MINE IS A SERIOUS ORGAN; BUT I SHALL PLAY A PSALM QUICK, IF YOU SHALL LIKE."]

* * * * *

EXPOSTULATION WITH PALMERSTON.

Oh PALMERSTON! why hast thou fled
Precisely when wanted the most?
What could put it into thy head
Just now to abandon thy post?
Why run from the vessel away
That needs thee to weather the storm?
I cannot believe, what they say,
'Tis because thou dislikest Reform.

Resigning, too, suddenly, when
Thou wast doing thy business so well!
In the language of certain young men,
It seems like a regular sell.
Thine office in thus flinging down
At this most particular nick
Of Time, thou resemblest the Clown
In a mischievous Pantomime trick.

But play out the part of buffoon,
And show thyself only in jest;
Return to help old PANTALOON,
And HARLEQUIN JOHN, and the rest.
Return, or the Grand Christmas Piece
Will prove an unlucky affair;
And COLUMBINE help to release,
Now clutched in the grip of the Bear.

Alas! by that Bear hangs a tail,
I fear me, for all we are told,
Which, lifting obscurity's veil,
A very short time will unfold.
Meantime let the Ministers weep,
Of such a supporter bereft,
Until they their handkerchiefs steep,
Crying, "PALMERSTON'S taken and left!"

* * * * *

A BRUSH WANTED.

A spirited young lady, in service in a very genteel family, remarks, "I should be sorry to reduce English sailors to a menial situation, but I own I should like to hear that our gallant fellows in the Black Sea had been scouring the Steppes."

* * * * *

THE FOOTPRINTS OF TIME.--Crow's-feet.

* * * * *

CLERGYMEN IN THE FARCE OF "TURNING THE TABLES."

Table Turning seems to be turning the heads of the parsons, and Spirit Rapping is likely to give a rap to certain Reverends which they will not speedily recover from. We confess to some experience in the practise of Spirit Rapping in connection with Tables, but the spirits employed in rapping have always been in tumblers of one kind or another. We have frequently suspected Satanic agency in some portions of our furniture, particularly in a quantity of cheap stuff which we purchased at a furniture mart, and which is scarcely worth the rap we have bestowed on it. We are in possession of a round table which is subject to fits of groaning and creaking, with an occasional tendency to the splitting of its sides, as if in very mockery of merriment. We must confess that the refractory table has been occasionally a good deal put upon.

The Clerical Table Turners seem to imagine that the Satanic agency is confined to a particular kind of furniture, but our own opinion is, that we are just as likely to find the "old gentleman" in the chair as in any other portion of our moveables. We do not see why the presence of the evil one should be confined to the work of the cabinet-maker or the carpenter, and indeed there are several articles of hardware which appear to be liable to visitations from invisible beings. Our own stock of crockery is undoubtedly exposed to such contingencies, for we now and then find an amount of breakage which, if our servants are to be believed, has not been done by any earthly agency.

* * * * *

AN EXEMPLARY ELEPHANT.

The performance of the Elephant that stands upon its head at Astley's is very seasonable. It represents the Balance of Power, which we wish LORD ABERDEEN could preserve in Europe as cleverly as the sagacious quadruped contrives to do on another theatre.

* * * * *

THE HEIGHT OF ABSURDITY.--The height at which in the present day shirt collars are worn.

* * * * *

_Giles (a great politician)._ "HEY! DANG IT! TURKS BE DONE THIS TOIME; 'STEAD O' UM'S TAK'N UM, UM'S TAK'N UM."]

* * * * *

A LIVING SUPERIORITY.--Woman has this great advantage over Man--she proves her will in her lifetime, whilst Man is obliged to wait till he is dead.

* * * * *

_A--b--n._ "I SHAN'T INTERFERE TILL THEY CALL MURDER!"]

* * * * *

SURE SYMPTOMS OF CHRISTMAS.

(_By a Surly Old Bachelor._)

Punch,--I know Christmas is coming from certain well-known symptoms that never fail to present themselves at this time of the year:--

Because my landlady is so extremely civil to me, and brings me my shaving-water the moment I ring for it.

Because I have not had to complain for two weeks about my boots, and the coal-scuttle is generally pretty full of coals.

Because the breakfast is laid before I am up, and when I ask for toast with my tea in the evening, the kitchen fire has not once been out.

Because the impudent news-boy has been much earlier with the newspaper than usual.

Because, wherever I have called, I haven't had cold meat for dinner for ever so long--for two weeks at least.

Because I cannot get my bills in from my tradesmen--they smile, and scrape their feet in their vile sawdust, and murmur something about "any time will do, Sir," and present me with French plum and bonbon-boxes, and fancy I have nothing better to do than to lay in a plantation of Christmas trees.

Because the crossing-sweeper takes his hat off to me every time I pass.

Because the Beadle has been wonderfully profuse with his cocked hat, and the pew-opener, within the last fortnight, has nearly curtseyed me to death.

Because, wherever I have called, I have found all the servants smiling most unnaturally, and bringing me things I didn't want.

Because my little nephews have been so very affectionate to me lately.

Because my little nieces have run up to me, and kissed me in a way that was more flattering than agreeable, and I have had my great coat and hat and umbrella and goloshes pulled off me before I have had time to inquire whether my brother (he is only a clerk) was at home.

Because I have been bothered out of my life with so many inquiries about that "distressing cough" of mine, and have been recommended so many wonderful remedies that were sure to cure it,--which remedies, if I had only taken one half of them, I shouldn't be alive at the present moment.

Because the Waits wake me up at night, paying me the discordant compliment of playing opposite my window longer than anybody else's.

And because--but I think I have said enough of these symptoms, which luckily "come but once a year." After all, I don't know--perhaps they are not so disagreeable, for the attentions one receives at this period are as flattering to one's vanity as they are conducive to one's comfort. The worst is, one knows they all spring out of a Christmas Box--and these boxes, as I have learnt to my cost, are not to be had so cheaply as bandboxes. The enjoyment would be all the more enjoyable, if one hadn't to pay so dearly for it. During the Christmas month, my outgoings invariably exceed my incomings;--otherwise, I like it well enough, and shouldn't mind if the whole year were composed of nothing but Christmas months.

* * * * *

A FIT PUNISHMENT.

Our Aldermen are such neglectful conservators of the river Thames, that we propose they should be compelled to bathe in it regularly once a day, until some great improvement has been effected in its inodorous management.

* * * * *

ARCTIC MONOMANIA.

Those who send navigators to discover the North-west Passage remind us of _Hamlet_, although he described himself as only mad North-north-west.

* * * * *

PHYSIC FOR ALL EUROPE.

Political convulsions will not yield to chloroform--they are to be cured by reform only.

* * * * *

THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--The Retort that rectifies an error, and does it in the most refined spirit.

* * * * *

OUR BOTTLE-HOLDER.

So, PALMERSTON'S out! and the cannie Scotch Peer
Whom he cuts, is in haste to be first with the story,
And, to poison our PAM in the popular ear,
Proclaims that for years our old friend's been a Tory.

But _Punch_ is afraid that another Scotch mull
Is marking the course of the friend of ST. NICHOLAS;
For the good MR. BULL is by no means so dull
As not to perceive that the charge is ridiculous.

What! PALMERSTON, Liberty's champion in need,
Who confronted oppressors with England's broad aegis,
And haughtily ordered the despots to read
On its blazon, the duties that Lords owe to Lieges.

Who has fluttered, not pigeons (like us, dear LORD A.,
Who all "pigeon-livered, lack gall" to sustain us)
But Eagles, Spread, Double, Red, Black, White, and Grey,
And cried "kennel!" to Kings with his _Civis Romanus_.

Whose name gives the sign for a chorus of groans,
Where, crowned and anointed things gibber in ermine,
And, where slaves crawl and slaver the footsteps of thrones,
Sends them off to their holes, as the light does night vermin.

It really won't do. To your patron, the CZAR,
When the now forming file of the newspapers comes, he
Will laugh out in scorn with a royal "Ha! ha!
To think ABERDEEN was so helplessly clumsy."

So, call him what you, for about forty years,
_Were_--a Tory--or aught that comes into your noddle,
One only regrets that in these days one hears
Of so very few Tories who're built on his model.

He remembers the service by PALMERSTON done
Since he took the portfolio, but yesterday hawked about;
How, shoulder to wheel, he went through at a run,
The work that all others had dawdled and talked about.

The grind for "six moons" to the wife-beating brute;
The foot on the dens where turf-gamblers would cozen;
The foul furnace throats made to swallow their soot;
The yet fouler charnel yards closed by the dozen.

The lecture your Lordship's Scotch friends would not print,
Who against Sabbath-breaking so tipsily hiccup;
And the scourge he was knotting, by way of a hint
To bid ruffians reflect before taking the stick up.

All this, my dear Lord, in our tablet's enrolled;
And we'd very respectfully say to your Lordship,
That the tales of your organs had better be told
To those worthies, the resident soldiers on board ship.

For all the Scotch Lords who e'er blessed DUKE ARGYLL,
Pouring out all their spleen by the gallon--Scotch measure,
Could not poison JOHN BULL from his jolly frank smile,
When he says, "_Punch_, here's PAM!" and _Punch_ says, "JOHN,
with pleasure."

[_And they drink_ LORD PALMERSTON'S _health_.]

* * * * *

AN EXTREME TEST.

If you wish to ascertain the temper of a young lady, look at her nails, and the tips of her gloves. If they are jagged and much bitten, you may be sure she is peevish, irritable, quarrelsome, and too ready to show her teeth at the smallest provocation. This is an infallible test that every ill-tempered young lady carries at her finger's-ends. Do not attempt to kiss such a young lady under the mistletoe.

* * * * *

PROBLEM FOR THE ROYAL INSTITUTION.

Can no chemist tell us how to obtain a solution of the Eastern difficulty?

* * * * *

HOW TO SEE THE TEETH OF A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY.

Praise her rival before her face, and you may depend upon it, she will soon show her teeth.

* * * * *

EQUESTRIAN ENTERTAINMENT.--The green-room of Drury Lane, all the time the horses were there, was turned into a "_Salle a_ Manger."

* * * * *

_Accomplished Cabman._ "WILLIAM, VOOLY-VOO AQUA?"]

* * * * *

AN AMERICAN JOKE EXPLAINED.

We don't understand American institutions--that's a fact. We don't understand the American Press; which is one of the greatest of those institutions. Deficient in the sense of irony, we take the playful abandonment--the jocose mystification--of the American newspapers as simple statement. Hence multitudes of dull worthy people among us will receive the _New York Tribune's_ account of the reception of the runaway convict, MITCHELL, at New York as a prosaic and authentic narrative of that event. Had GREENACRE, by some chance, escaped the gallows, they will be inclined to think, he too would have been hailed with enthusiasm and acclamation, as an accession to the worth and manhood of American citizenship. For MITCHELL resembled the other chiefly in the circumstance of not having been hanged. He was no mere political non-conformist and unsuccessful opponent of the existing order of things, vulgarly and technically termed a rebel. He was a traitor in the vilest sense of the word: a malignant hater of the QUEEN and the country: the sort of traitor that mediaeval justice contemplated when it sentenced the criminal so called to be hanged, drawn, and quartered. He was a sanguinary cruel caitiff; a dogged miscreant who not only preached pike massacres, but yelled and raved for sulphuric acid, which he would have had rascals to squirt into soldiers' eyes. Those, therefore, who are not up to American drollery will naturally be scandalised by the seemingly sympathetic description, given by the _New York Tribune_, of the advent of such a fellow amongst the freest and most enlightened people on earth. Says our facetious contemporary:--

"As the _Prometheus_ came up the river, she was boarded by MESSRS.
MEAGHER and WILLIAM MITCHELL, the brother of the patriot. The
meeting between these friends in sorrow and persecution was
affecting in the extreme. Tears of joy were shed on both sides."

Tears which scalded the cheeks down which they flowed; being vitriolic. Without this comment--which would have spoiled the gravity of the burlesque--the _Tribune_ proceeds:

"On nearing the wharf, the news of MR. MITCHELL'S arrival spread
like wildfire, and ships and piers were literally swarming with the
immense throng who crowded to give him a freeman's welcome."

No doubt this is the naked truth. There are, unfortunately, a great many scoundrels and ruffians in New York who have an ardent admiration for a fellow scoundrel and ruffian. It is unnecessary that a New York journal should explain that these vagabonds are not Americans. But that explanation is requisite for our stolid readers, whom we will presently tell who the wretches really were. An individual of the noble and generous American nation would as soon think of hugging a rattle-snake or a copper-head, as of taking to his bosom the venomous and vitriol-squirting MITCHELL.

As MR. MITCHELL and his companions proceeded to their destination--which, notwithstanding the impulsive nature of American moral feeling, was not the nearest pump--he experienced various honours, which the waggish reporter of his triumph enumerates with whimsical exaggeration--particularising "roar of artillery," "dense mass of human beings," the carriages that bore them, being "followed by the throng," his way resembling "the march of a conqueror"--not by any means such a march as that of a man who is drummed out of his regiment. His friends, the funny journalist avers, "were almost ready to take him from the vehicle, and carry him upon their shoulders," and he was "surrounded by a large number of the citizen-soldiery and NANCHAN'S band." Among these troops were the "Irish Rifles," whose weapon, of course, is the vitriol squirt--the "MITCHELL Guard," the "MEAGHER Grenadiers," with "Cabbage Garden," probably, emblazoned on their colours; and sundry other regiments and guards, which--it was superfluous to inform the New Yorkers--were ragged and--black.

Here lies the point of the whole joke. Misled by a parcel of Uncle-Tom-foolery, we are apt to regard the coloured population of the States as an oppressed race. They are, indeed, shunned and disliked; but that is entirely by reason of their incorrigible villainy. They won't work, but they will squat on an estate, and if compelled to clear off and make room for industrious whites, they shoot the owner of the property from behind a hedge. Rescued from starvation consequent on their unthrift and laziness, they turn and curse the benefactor who feeds them. Such were they who shouted welcome to MITCHELL; and only think how secure a people must feel in their republican liberty to permit a mob of savages to indulge in such a demonstration! This base and brutal multitude did not contain one American citizen. Their bands are stated to have played Irish melodies, "Star Spangled Banner," "Yankee Doodle," and other national airs. No, no. The ragamuffins hated the stars as well as the stripes too much; and they no more played "Yankee Doodle" than MITCHELL sang "Rule Britannia." Their music may have included Irish melodies; but their other national airs were limited to the class comprising "Lucy Neal" and "Ole Dan Tucker." They were an assemblage of odious, miserable, ugly, degraded brutes, connecting links between mankind and the monkey. There was not a single Anglo-Saxon in the whole lot. In short, they were all--NIGGERS.

* * * * *

CHARITY FOR CHURCHMEN.

Our friend the BISHOP OF LONDON has published a circular urging his clergy to exert themselves to recruit the failing finances of the Society for Promoting the Employment of Additional Curates in Populous Places. Very good; let all the other bishops issue similar injunctions; and perhaps they will not forget to point out that a great many additional curates might be provided for populous places out of the excess of income enjoyed by pluralists, who are the incumbents of places, some of which are comparatively uninhabited. Their Lordships might, by example as well as precept, urge their over-paid clergy to exert themselves for the required object, by pulling out a large amount of their superfluous revenues, if they can possibly stand so much exertion. Perhaps it would be as well to try the effect of this exhortation on the clergy first, and appeal to the laity, if necessary, afterwards.

* * * * *

THE REAL REASON.

LORD PALMERSTON has resigned. Speculation is rife as to the cause. We are in a position to state confidently, that his retirement is owing neither to the Eastern question, nor the Reform Bill, but to the despair of the active Home Secretary at the deluge of letters which he has drawn down by his offer made at Perth to listen to everybody's grievances, and consider everybody's suggestions--an undertaking which he has found himself so utterly unable to redeem, that he has determined on withdrawing altogether from the attempt.

* * * * *

JOKE FOR THE STOCK-EXCHANGE.--Instead of asking "How goes the Enemy?" for "What's o'Clock?" we now ask, "How goes the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA?"

* * * * *

THE ALDERMAN'S HOPE.

Stand PRINCE ALBERT a Statue--it then mayn't be hard
To induce him to stand, by and by, for a Ward;
There ain't any lor, as I knows on, agin it,
And there's nothing, as I see, preposterous in it.

The wery next year pop him into the Chair,
And have the PRINCE CONSORT himself for LORD MAYOR,
With an out-and-out Show on the ninth of November--
Of the PRINCE OF WALES that, too, 's the birthday, remember.

What a sight!--to behold it all London would trudge--
The RECORDER presenting the PRINCE to the JUDGE,
Relating his history, birth, education.
And how he has always behaved in his station.

His R'y'l Highness to see, his official robes drest in,
A countin' the hobnails--oh how interstin'!
The _Illustrious News_ would set forth the whole story,
With a beautiful cut of the PRINCE in his glory.

Only fancy the feast at Guildhall--'t would be splendid,
And then what if the LADY MAY'RESS condescended
To honour the spread--and to give circulation
To the Loving Cup--kissed to her liege Corporation!

Why there we should witness--whilst we was a-dining--
The Mace and the Sceptre in friendship combining,
Bound together with garlands of laurel and myrtle;
What a comfort to view as we sucked up the turtle!

Because we should hail in that union a token
Of a tie to be never undone, cut, or broken;
And a pledge that, as long as the Crown stands unshaken,
From Reform London City shall save its fat bacon.

* * * * *

MAN LOVES--WITH A SAVING CLAUSE.

An Old Maid, who confesses to thirty-five, says: "She doesn't believe--not a bit of it--in the nonsense that men talk about breaking their hearts! It's her firm belief there never was a man yet who broke his heart--or if there was, that he broke it as a lobster breaks one of his claws, another one shooting up very quickly in its place."

* * * * *

THE DEMON OF THE MONEY-MARKET.

Any success gained by the Russians over the Turks causes a fall of the funds of course; because the CZAR'S invasion of the Principalities is in fact a mere Bear Speculation.

* * * * *

A NEAT CHRISTMAS BOX.

There is a little book called "What Shall I Do with my Money?" Had not the author better send a copy of it to the Registrar of the Prerogative Court of Canterbury?

* * * * *

THE GOOD OLD DRINKING DAYS.--When every Jack had his Gill.

* * * * *

A VOICE FROM THE OMNIBUS-BOX.

"MR. PUNCH SIR,

"Wich it is well known you ain't no friend to 'bus drivers in giniral but as the friend of umanity our conductor says as ow you may be rote to on a subjec wich hevery man as works a 'bus on the Kinsinton line ave somethink to say to. Now the frost as set in its ard lines for our 'osses and nosayin wen youre to get thro a jurney along of that ere blessed Ide Par Corner ill and the Gore wich it is the artbreakinest bit o' road anyweres out o' London and osses lyin about this week in all direckshuns, like the stage at Hashleys arter the battle o Waterloo, and hinsides as sticks to their places and wont get hout no not to walk a hinch and the poor 'osses a tearin their arts out wich it goes to a man's art to use the wip to an oss as is doin its best, and conductors hup and down like arlekins hevery minit, and city-gents hawful cross and no wonder tied to time all as one as a 'bus. And all the while there's that ere byootiful bit o' road through the Park, nice new gravel and no ills and we mustn't turn out o' the road into the Park no not if our osses died for it and why not, I'd like to know?

Why acos we're 'bus-drivers and its a buss and the osses is buss osses and the riders ain't people as keeps their carridges, wich we arnt haristercratical enuff for the Parks as is public propity and kep up houter rates and taxes wich who pays them I know well enuff, and keeps them 'ere parties in the green livries so uncommon snug and pleasant not to speke o' the crushers. Now wot a city gent as rides reglar with me says is this 'ere ain't the publick convenience nothink and cruelty to hanimals wich we drivers is pulled up pretty sharp if we works an 'oss with a collar-gall, a speedy-cut or anythink like that 'ere and its forty shillin in no time. I'd a rote this to LORD PALMERSTON wich he said hanybody was to rite heverythink as was rong to im and e'd see justice done wich it aint now I know not by a jolly lot but he's out and so I rites to you instead opin you'll excuse the libberty and speke to the Guvment leastways SIR WILLIAM MOLESWORTH as is a friend o' the people wich is well beknown, to ave the Park hopened to public carridges--that is 'busses, for the cabbies can rite for themselves.

So no more at present from your umbel servant,

JOHN BROAD.
(_Driver No. 3 Ardwick these twelve year and never pulled up
wonst._)

* * * * *

A WASH WANTED BY GOVERNMENT.

Tenders will be received at the Office of the First Lord of the Treasury, or the Office of the Foreign Secretary, for COSMETICS to Improve the COMPLEXION of EASTERN AFFAIRS.

By Order of their Lordships,
_Downing Street, 22nd Dec., 1853._ R. E. D. TAPE.

* * * * *

THE GYMNASTICS OF BRIBERY.

The power of lifting a chair depends entirely upon the way in which you take hold of it: and so it is with a seat in Parliament--perfectly hopeless to think of picking one up, unless you can command a good _purchase_.

* * * * *

"WHO'S DAT A-KNOCKING AT DE DOOR?"

ALFRED DE MUSSET'S proverb tells us very positively that "_Il faut qu'une Porte soit ouverte, ou fermee_". The EMPEROR NICHOLAS seems to be of the same opinion, and he is now trying with all his might and main, both on land and water, to have the Porte shut up as quick as he can. We hope he will only succeed in having the Porte slammed in his face.

* * * * *

A CHILDISH CONUNDRUM FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.

_Q._ Of what wood should a Christmas Tree be composed?

_A._ Of Box, and so make it a Christmas-Box Tree.

* * * * *

CHRISTMAS WAITS--for "The Good Time Coming, Boys,"--only we suppose that, like us, Christmas must "wait a little longer."

* * * * *

WORDS! WORDS! WORDS!--Long words, like long dresses, frequently hide something wrong about the understanding.

* * * * *

THE OLDEST NOTE OF INTERROGATION.--A note, asking you if you are engaged on Christmas Day?

* * * * *

EXPERIENCE.--Women dislike talkative men: _they know how it's done_.

* * * * *

A LAZY HORSE.--The Pegasus of Genius seldom stirs without the spur of necessity.

* * * * *

HEROINE OF DOMESTIC DRAMA PURSUED BY THE UNPRINCIPLED VILLIAN IS ABOUT TO CAST HERSELF HEADLONG FROM A TREMENDOUS PRECIPICE!]