Chapter XIII: Act THREE (1)

The Editor's Ante-Chamber. Several of the Ministers waiting to see him; some with glittering stars, blue ribbons, &c. A door opens (centre), and an eminent Stockjobber is kicked into the middle of the scene, and falls--a huge bag of sovereigns in each hand. Bags burst, and the gold strews the stage. "_I offered L500,000 for leave to put in one article._" Proud tribute to the British Press. Porters sweep up the gold, and throw it out at window, and the Stockjobber after it. Enter LORD ASTERISK dragging the beautiful lady. "_Ha! you here, my lords! But 'tis well. She appealed to the "Times" and I have brought her hither._" Lady on her knees--back hair down. "_I am innocent--indeed I am innocent._" "_I am not to be juped, Madam._" "_I swear it._" "_I believe you not. Your adorers, in disguise, have been staining the pure streets of our proud Metropolis with ruffianism. But in vain, Madam._" "_In vain! Wretched me!_" "_Now by all that is sulphureous_"--(he draws the sword usually worn by the British aristocrat)--"HOLD!!!" Awful appearance of the EDITOR. "_Mistaken nobleman! She came but to save her_ BROTHER, LORD NAMBY MACPAMBY. _He has spoken in the House to-night, and knowing what a dreadful fool he is, she wished his speech suppressed, that_ your brother-in-law's _idiotcy might not be published all over the world_." "_Her brother! And those Guardsmen!_" "_Her cousins._" "_Ow! ow! ow! Can you forgive me_, CORONETTINA?" "_Am I not your wife, dearest?_" The EDITOR, moved, tears up LORD NAMBY MACPAMBY'S speech. "_One husk will not be missed amid so much chaff._"

* * * * *

AFFECTING DENOUEMENT!

* * * * *

LESSON FOR INNOCENT CABMEN.

Sing a song of Sixpence,
"A pocket-full!" says I.
Four-and-twenty farthings?
That's all my eye!
But my eye was opened--
A summons he did seek;
And wasn't that a pretty case
To bring before the Beak?

The Beak was on his judgment-seat
A fining swell coves money;
And _Punch_ was perch'd 'longside him,
Grinning precious funny.
FITZROY had, in the Commons,
Been pickling us a rod;
And off went the prison van,
And took me to Quod!

* * * * *

THE ROAD IN 1853.

The days of the Highwaymen are over: but that need not be lamented by the admirers of the robbers of the good old times. The Highwaymen have been succeeded by the Railwayman.

* * * * *

THE FETALIST.

The First Emperor left behind him a "NAPOLEON Book of Fate."

The Second Emperor promises to enrich the history of France with a "NAPOLEON Book of Fetes."

* * * * *

TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.--The man who believes too little may be safer than the man who believes too much; but it is a question if, through life, he knows half as much pleasure.

* * * * *

RUSSIAN IMPUDENCE.--A celebrated Diplomatist who lisps a little, being asked to define Russian Impudence, answered very significantly "Why, ith's beyond PRUTH!"

* * * * *

BREAKING-UP DAY AT WESTMINSTER.

The Director-General of the St. Stephen's establishment, _Mr. Punch_, proceeded, in one cab, to Westminster Hall, and, desiring a chair to be placed for him upon the top of the flight of steps at the further end, commanded that the gentlemen of the Upper and Lower Schools should forthwith attend him, for the purpose of hearing his opinion of their general and individual conduct, preparatory to their being dismissed for the holidays. It is needless to say that his orders were instantly complied with, and that the Westminster Boys at once assembled before him. The only exception was in the case of MASTER SIBTHORP, who sturdily refused to come, and for whom a policeman was dispatched. MASTER SIBTHORP expended much abuse, and several quotations from the Eton Grammar, upon the officer, but was ultimately brought in, and placed within convenient reach of _Mr. Punch's_ cane. _Mr. Punch_ then spoke as follows:--

"MY BOYS,

"You have had a long half, but it is over, and I am glad to dismiss you for your vacation. The word vacation, SIBTHORP, is derived from the Latin, and originally signifies emptiness, for an illustration of which I will refer you to the head of the gallant member for Lincoln, or to the heads of those who can be such donkeys as to elect him. My boys, I am, generally speaking, satisfied with your conduct during the half.

"BOYS OF THE UPPER SCHOOL,

"I rejoice to find a marked improvement in the way you treat your themes. Your elocution is still open to amendment. I commend your regular adherence to the beneficial habit of early rising. I would caution you against quarrels amongst yourselves, arising from the use of intemperate speech or inapt quotation (_Masters_ DERBY _and_ OXFORD _blushed_); and I would remind you that no social position occupied by your papas and mammas exempts any of you from the duties which are imposed upon others (_Master_ WINCHELSEA _began to cry_). But, as a whole, you have pleased me this year, and I will add that the politeness with which you behave to ladies who may look in upon the establishment reflects great credit upon you, not unincreased by contrast (_Sensation among the Lower School_).

"ABERDEEN, you are leader of the school, and I could wish you to display more energy. I applaud your love for a peaceful life, but remember that there is one thing better than peace, and that is, honour. In the map of Russia, which you have drawn, you have not defined the boundaries strongly and well, and you do not seem to know where Turkey begins and Russia ends. You will lose credit unless you exert yourself.

"MALMESBURY, your English is exceedingly bad, and your logic very unsatisfactory. I understand that you are proud of your intimacy with a French person, who at one time bore no good character. Take care, sir. And be more guarded in your assertions as to what feats you have accomplished, and of which I find few traces in the school records.

"LANSDOWNE, I give you much credit for having just exerted yourself to put down the practice of smoking--the rather, as you have reached an age at which you are entitled to all due indulgence. You are a very excellent member of the school, and I wish you regarded as a model.

"MONTEAGLE, you talk a great deal too much in school hours, and are said to busy yourself in matters with which you have no concern. You have been a lucky boy--be an agreeable one.

"BOYS OF THE LOWER SCHOOL,

"I am sorry to have had to expel so many of your number this half, but I hope it will be a warning. Once for all, I will not permit you, by gifts of money or beer, to induce your inferiors to misconduct themselves for your gratification. I can use no adequate word of contempt for the meanness which sought to shift the guilt upon servants. In other respects I am tolerably satisfied with most of you. A good deal of work has been done, but there is far too much talking in the establishment, and you keep people out of their beds looking after you at hours when you ought to be asleep. I hope to have different reports next half.

"RUSSELL, I am glad to see you the leader of the school. I was pleased with your conduct to the Jew boys, whom I still intend to place in the school. I am sorry you have done next to nothing in the way of helping the education of those under you. However, as you have given me a large promise of reform for next half, I shall say no more.

"GLADSTONE, you deserve the highest praise for your proficiency in arithmetic, and for your gentlemanly conduct. Some of your companions hint that you talk rather too much. I do not impute this to you, but you will consider for yourself whether the allegation is justified. The way you have got through all duties is admirable.

"CARDWELL, I shall give you a well-deserved navigation prize, so you need not be quite so solemn.

"STAFFORD, the painful exposure I was compelled to make of your conduct would have prevented my referring to it again, but that I understand you and some of your friends have been swaggering, and declaring that you had escaped unpunished. Beware, Sir, that I never again hear your voice in the school, in which I only permit you to remain because I believe that you were made the tool of bigger and worse boys.

"FITZROY, I am sorry to see that you are not looking well. Take care of yourself in the country, and be assured, my boy, that I shall not forget the spirited way in which you protected those poor women from their husbands' brutality, or the very proper chastisement you gave to the insolent cabman.

"LUCAS, you are a foolish lad. Instead of enjoying the rational and manly liberty of your companions, you cripple your mind with silly stories and legends, and do not take your meals regularly. I hear, too, that you are very ignorant of the history of Rome, which you appear to have learned at second-hand from some monkish book in dog-Latin. You are no credit to your class, Sir, and I believe I have told you before that you are Lucas, _a non lucendo_.

"BROTHERTON, I applaud you for trying to get the school to bed by midnight, but you want perseverance, and let yourself be put down by any one who opposes you. If you are right and know it, never give way. Be firm, or you will not carry your objects--you cannot bolt a door with a boiled carrot, as you, as a vegetarian, ought to know.

"PALMERSTON, you are a very spirited, gentlemanly, thoroughly English fellow, in whom I have the utmost confidence. All that you have done this half has been excellent. I believe it would give everybody pleasure to see you at the head of the school, and it rests with yourself whether you will be so or not. _Excelsior_, my good boy. By the way, I have of course nothing to do with your amusements, but I observed you gave MASTER CORDEN a tremendous back fall the other day. It has shaken him a good deal, but he richly deserved it for the sneaking way he came to the scratch.

"SIBTHORP, as you say that you consider it an honour for me to notice you, why do you not so conduct yourself that what is certainly an honour to you may be a pleasure to me? (SIBTHORP _burst into tears_.) There, don't cry, you know I am never seriously angry with _you_.

"BOYS ALL,

"You may now go into your respective schools, and wait there until your monitors announce to you that vacation has begun."

* * * * *

THE LAND SCREW STEAM COMPANY.

We believe the General Screw Steam Shipping Company is connected with the Port of Southampton. It may not be generally known that there exists another Screw Steam concern in connexion with that same good town. We mean the South-Western Railway, which, particularly by its arrangements respecting the Camp at Chobham, and the Review at Spithead, appears to have decidedly adopted the principle of the Screw.

* * * * *

A MAN WALKS--A LADY RIDES.

A man should never object to exercise, for the gentleman is always distinguished by his walk; but there is this excuse to be made for a woman who takes but little exercise--that the lady is immediately known by her carriage.

* * * * *

* * * * *

FIGHTING FREWEN AND SOBER SHELLEY.

There appeared a chance a few days ago, that certain Members of Parliament would, instead of shooting the grouse, have the more exciting sport of shooting one another. SIR JOHN SHELLEY very properly refuses to be drawn into either a murder or a breach of the peace; and quietly refers MR. FREWEN'S furious correspondence to MESSRS. TYRRELL, PAINE, and LAYTON, who are, we presume, SIR JOHN'S solicitors.

A "little quarrel" with a legal firm may be less agreeable to one whom we fear we must call Fighting FREWEN, than a personal _rencontre_ with the Member for Westminster. A fight with a forensic antagonist in Westminster Hall is more formidable than a little harmless pistol-popping at Chalk Farm; and the powder of a barrister's wig is more dangerous to be set in agitation than the common gunpowder of commerce.

Poor FREWEN is evidently much nettled at finding that SIR JOHN SHELLEY won't fight, and in the desperate endeavour to stir up the unwilling baronet, tries the old cab-driver's dodge of calling after him "No gentleman!" We must say we cannot congratulate MR. FREWEN upon having got the best of the matter in either spirit, taste, or argument; for there is something more dignified in SIR JOHN SHELLEY'S request to be "excused from answering any further letters," than in MR. FREWEN'S coarse wind up of "Call yourself a gentleman!"

* * * * *

A NEW LACTOMETER.

A great philanthropist, and distinguished man of the world, has invented a new Lactometer for testing the milk of human kindness. We believe it is exceedingly simple, and consists principally of a plain sheet of paper--not unlike, in size, a page torn out of a banker's cheque-book, but having a Government Stamp in the corner of it. It is the size of this stamp that determines the quantity of milk of human kindness. The larger the stamp the greater the supply of milk. The test rarely fails, excepting with lawyers, guardians, step-fathers, and others, whose hardy natures are well known not to be largely imbued with the softening lacteal properties of human kindness. The philanthropist intends taking out a patent for his ingenious invention.

* * * * *

A GANGWAY JOKE.

MR. HAYTER, the Whipper-in, was supposed by the Members of Parliament to be very unfortunate with his servants, for during the past session, he was always going about trying to get a House made.

* * * * *

A RAP FOR THE CZAR.--A great deal of base gold coin is in circulation, but the worst Sovereign that has come before the public lately is the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA.

* * * * *

APPALLING POSITION OF MR. AND MRS. TOMPKINS, WHO HAD A JIB HORSE WHEN THE TIDE WAS COMING IN.]

* * * * *

FUMIGATION OF THE THAMES.

Tobacco fumes are unpleasant to the majority of ladies. Nevertheless, we must protest against the prohibition of smoking abaft the funnel on board Thames steamers. The other day we were ascending the river in one of these vessels, seated in that quarter of it, when a youth, who was indulging in a Pickwick to the windward of us, was caused to transfer himself and his enjoyment forwards. No sooner had he gone away with his smoke, than our nostrils were assailed by the vilest of odours; a breath from the open mouth of a sewer on the opposite bank. This was just as we were passing the ARCHBISHOP'S Palace at Lambeth; and we could almost have imagined that DR. SUMNER had been at work purifying the Church, and had rendered its abuses palpable to the olfactory sense; in such great indignation were our nostrils at the perfume emitted in the neighbourhood of his Grace's premises. We wished our young friend back again with his "weed," the fragrance of which we very much prefer to that of metropolitan tributaries to the Thames: and until that stream is somewhat dulcified, we should think that even ladies would approve of universal fumigation on board its boats.

* * * * *

THE ENEMY.

The question of Peace has been carried in Europe, _nem. con._ BRIGHT, feeling peacefully inclined, said he should like all war-questions to be met and decided by a similar enemy; and, being asked by COBDEN "What enemy?"--he eloquently replied, "A-_n-emine contradicente_."

* * * * *

WHAT YOU MAY HEAR IN A BELL.

A curious old philosopher of our acquaintance says:--"I can always tell what kind of masters and servants there are in an establishment by the way in which the bell is rung and answered. If the bell is rung sharply, or snappishly, or at all loudly, I say to myself, You are hard masters, impatient, intolerant, making no allowances, and always expecting a thing to be done before it is even asked for, and my suspicions are generally verified by their ringing the bell a second time more loudly than the first; and if the servants take a long time in answering the bell, I say to myself, You are bad servants, either lazy or pampered, or spoilt by too much indulgence, and evidently taking but little interest in your master's wishes. It is a sure sign that there is not much peace or comfort to be met with in the house where the master rings several times for everything he wants; and where the servants require the bell to be rung twice before they think of answering it."

* * * * *

A NAVAL BLUNDERBUSS.

We are sorry to notice an anachronism in a popular review. We mean the review at Spithead. A gun was used in the fleet, called--we cannot say christened--the "NELSON AVENGER." Now NELSON has been sufficiently avenged; if insufficiently honoured: whatever account of vengeance may have been owing to him was settled at the time; though our debt of gratitude to him may be eternal. Posterity has no revenge to take on Posterity: and a gun only meant to rake the rigging of our enemies should not be so named as to rake up animosities with our friends.

* * * * *

FAREWELL TO THE CAMP.

A LYRIC FOR THE 20TH AUGUST, 1853.

(_From_ COWPER.)

The Camp has departed!--farewell the parade,
And the earth-shaking march of the stern Colonnade[3]
The bands play no longer from manuscript leaves,
Nor detectives prowl stealthily watching the thieves.

The City of War, which immense fun we've had in
Is fled like the palace that flew with ALADDIN;
And musketry's crack, and artillery's roar
Astonish the echoes of Chobham no more.

The Lancer in scarlet, the Rifle in green,
And the Horse-guard in blue, have abandoned the scene;
And we've witness'd the last of the blood-stirring frays
Where gallop'd in glory those terrible Greys.

No longer in toothsome libation is spilt
The Dew that is dear to the sons of the kilt;
No longer falls plashing in pleasantness here,
The frothy cascade of the black British beer.

O! Chobham Olympics, your games are all done,
The last close is wrestled, the last race is run,
The stone's "put" away, to the leap-frog there's truce,
And the ultimate caber is pitched to the deuce.

Rejoice in thy stable, thou omnibus steed!
For thee the campaign-times were wiry indeed.
No more shalt thou toil on that villanous road;
With a cargo of snobs for thy heart-breaking load.

Weep, rascally drivers of ramshackle flies,
Adieu your extortions, your sauce, and your lies,
Farewell to that Station, the cheating point where
You've so oft charged a pound for a two shilling fare.

Well, everything passes: a Camp like the rest,
But this ends while its novelty still has a zest;
And we're free to confess that we see with regret
The Flutters Hill's sun, like the Austerlitz, set.

Here's a health to the officer--liner or guard--
Who with CAMBRIDGE and SEATON has laboured so hard.
Here's a health to his men, whose good looks and good will
Did such excellent credit to messman and drill.

The object was good, and the object is gained,
Right sound is the teaching the troops have obtained;
And we'll mark that M.P. for a short-sighted scamp
Who grudges one mil for the Chobhamite Camp.

[Footnote 3:] A Colonnade is that which consists of columns. The British Army consists thereof. Therefore the British Army is a Colonnade.--WALKER.

* * * * *

NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO.--The first time a woman marries it is generally to please another; but the second time it is invariably to please herself.

* * * * *

THE INQUISITION AT MALTA.

Here is a pretty dish that was to have been set before the QUEEN:--

"Whosoever, during the performance of the sacred functions or
ceremonies of the Church of the country, the Roman Catholic
Apostolic Church, the maintenance and protection of which, in its
present position, are secured by law, and guaranteed by the British
Crown, shall disturb the same with violence or with intent to
profane, whether within or without places appointed for public
worship, shall be punished with imprisonment, from seven months to
two years."

According to MR. I. BUTT this passage is contained in the 50th Clause of the amended Maltese Criminal Code which has been coolly sent to this country for the sanction of HER MAJESTY.

No doubt a person who should wantonly interrupt a congregation of Mormonites, or even of dancing Dervishes, engaged in their devotions, would deserve to be punished; of course, therefore, there is no complaining of a law which avenges interference with Roman Catholic rites and ceremonies--those rites and ceremonies not going quite so far as the rite of cremation and the ceremony of an _auto-da-fe_.

It is also indubitable that the adherents of the Romish Church have a perfect right to call their persuasion Catholic and Apostolic, or anything else they please, and hold that assertion against all comers, by all means: except, we will say, by means of fire and sword.

But to propose the recognition of the Roman Catholic Church, as Apostolical, to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND, is--without reference to polemics--richly absurd: since HER MAJESTY holds her royal seat on the very condition of constantly protesting--right or wrong--that the Roman Catholic Church is no such thing.

If _Mr. Punch_ were in Malta, writing under this same amended criminal code, he would have to take care how he pointed out any Roman Catholic absurdity. He is informed by MR. NEWDEGATE,

"That the 54th Clause declared it to be punishable to 'revile or
otherwise insult or ridicule any article of the Roman Catholic
Church.'"

Now there are other varieties of ridicule than burlesque, caricature, horse-laughter, and making faces. There is the ridicule of the _reductio ad absurdum_. It is possible to place a proposition in a ludicrous light by showing that if it is true, it is a truth which is contrary to another truth. In Malta, therefore, subject to the above clause, it would be dangerous to assert the impenetrability of matter, or any other fact in the nature of things inconsistent with any dogma of the papal system: and if _Mr. Punch_ were not to mind what he was about, he might get himself into trouble in like manner with that other buffoon, GALILEO.

However, MR. KINNAIRD has procured the re-consideration of these penal papisticalities: and Ministers will think twice before they advise HER MAJESTY to stultify herself and sanction a Maltese Inquisition.

* * * * *

A HINT TO BELGRAVIA, TYBURNIA, CADOGANIA, &c. &c.

We hint to noblemen and gentlemen of (very) independent property, before rushing out of town, that they should think of the numerous little bills they leave behind them. They would not enjoy themselves any the less if they discharged those little bills instead of making their tradesmen wait six long empty-pocketed mouths for them. The probability is, even, they would enjoy themselves all the more, knowing that they had left a clear coast behind them, where they could always land with safety whenever they wanted to escape from foreign pirates, and continental sharks, sea and land robbers. We beg, (merely moved by a charitable motive to add to their pleasures,) to draw up the following advertisement for them, on the plan of the one issued at the end of the season by the Directors of the Covent Garden Italian Opera:--

ALL persons having claims for the last season upon the RIGHT
HONOURABLE LORD TOM NODDY are requested, before he leaves for
Baden-Baden, Homburg, Wiesbaden, &c., where he is going to take the
usual annual course of _rouge et-noir_ and the mineral waters, to
send in their accounts immediately, and to apply on Saturday, the
27th inst., when they will be paid in full, as the RIGHT HONOURABLE
LORD TOM NODDY has no desire to increase the ducal revenues of any
German principality with money that belongs properly to his
creditors.--239, Belgrave Square.

* * * * *

TOO MODEST BY HALF.

Most of the illuminations in honour of the Emperor's fete at Paris, displayed the glittering initials, N. E. This was only telling half the truth. It wanted the addition of R. O. for the French nation clearly to understand in whose honour the fete was given.

* * * * *

THE PEACEFUL MOOD.

(_As gone through by a real Member of the Peace Society._)

I shall, and will, fight
Thou shalt, and wilt, fight
He, or she, shall, and will, fight
We shall, and will, fight
You, or ye, shall, and will, fight
They shall, and will, fight.

[_To be repeated as often as the probability of a War springs up._

* * * * *

PLAIN UPON THE FACE OF IT.--Many persons are led by their vices as there are many who are led by their noses: but there are a far greater number who follow both without any leading at all.

* * * * *

ANOTHER DIETETIC RULE OF CONDUCT.--Never to send a servant out on an errand after dinner, but _always a little before_. It is extraordinary how very quick, in the latter case, he (or she) will return.

* * * * *

PEDESTRIANISM VERY EXTRAORDINARY.

The _Wolverhampton Chronicle_ contains the following paragraph, highly important to ladies:--

"THE WOMAN'S WALK.--MRS. DUNN'S pedestrian feat--walking 1,000 miles
in 1,000 hours--at Noah's Ark, Hartshill, continues to attract much
attention, great numbers of people visiting her. She has
accomplished about four-sixths of the task, and is very confident of
success."

It has been said with no less truth than vulgarity, that the walking of womankind is all WALKER. Too generally, indeed, it resembles a mode of progression adopted by the insect tribes, except in being performed with two legs instead of several, or without any at all. All praise to the exception to this rule presented by MRS. DUNN. We have not the pleasure of being acquainted with either that lady or MR. DUNN, but sure we are that she makes her husband a happy man if the health of his wife can make a man happy; as of course it can or should: whereas her illness at least makes him very much the reverse. By exercise in the open air is acquired that soundness of condition, accompanied by mental serenity and beauty of complexion which can never result from dancing in an atmosphere of carbonic acid--the only purpose for which many, many ladies use their legs. What MR. DUNN'S partner costs him for shoes, we are sure he does not grudge, and he would be a fool if he did, for it is much cheaper that she should walk him out a little leather than that she should stand him in a large quantity of medicine: to say nothing of the cabs and omnibuses which are frequently required to travel a hundred yards or so by other wives.

* * * * *

BRITISH OBSEQUIES IN SPAIN

If you wish to save your Succession Duty, reform your Undertaker's Bills. There is nothing to prevent you but the censure of the lowest vulgar--the mob that does not think for itself: a mob composed of quite as many well dressed persons as ragamuffins. Unfortunately, however, this populace may be able to injure as well as hoot you; and that power it will exercise if you do not conform to its idiotisms; one of which is, the addition of upholstery to ashes, and drapery to dust.

It would therefore be a great boon to you--being a wise man, and likewise an executor or a legatee charged with an interment--if your expenditure were subject to be regulated by the subjoined ordinance:--

"In conveying dead bodies to the burial-ground every kind of pomp
and publicity shall be avoided."

They manage these matters better in Spain, you will say: for this is one of the articles of a Royal decree that has been issued at Madrid.

But it is also ordained in the same decree, that

"No church, chapel, nor any other sign of a temple or of public or
private worship will be allowed to be built in the aforesaid
cemetery."

Now, the aforesaid cemetery is the Protestant cemetery. And it is further declared that

"All acts which can give any indication of the performance of any
divine service whatever are prohibited."

The above regulations will be found in a Parliamentary paper recently published, containing official correspondence between GENERAL LERSUNDI and LORD HOWDEN, relative to the Protestant Cemetery aforesaid at Madrid. The noble Lord's reply to the gallant officer will be found highly satisfactory, as conveying to the Spanish Government the assurance of that distinguished contempt for it, which is due to a set of imbecile and miserable bigots--utensils of their priesthood.

One would really think that the clergy of Spain and almost all other Roman Catholic countries were doing their very utmost to earn the crown of martyrdom--not, however, for themselves, but for their ecclesiastical brethren, together with all the lay partisans of Popery in Protestant countries. They appear to be trying as hard as they can to prove that the predominance of their religion is inconsistent with civil freedom. The struggles, then, so perseveringly made, both in and out of Parliament, to extend and establish an influence which, wherever it prevails, is seen to issue in tyranny the most hateful; what can they be considered but endeavours to spin cobwebs about our liberties? And have we not every temptation to sweep away the spiders? Resist it, however: resist it, MR. BULL: don't crush the poor creatures, but destroy their webs.

* * * * *

THE CONCEIT OF THE WORLD.--"There isn't a mite" (says LAVATER), "but what fancies itself the cheese."

* * * * *

"WE NEVER SELL OUR APPOINTMENTS."

(_Dedicated, without permission, to the Honourable Directors of the East India Company._)

JOHN BRIGHT is a pestilent fellow,
Always ready for making a fight,
But of all his low bluster and bellow,
We East India Directors make light.
Some appointments (we do not mind telling him)
We do give away now and then,
But to go and accuse us of selling 'em!--
When we're all of us "hon'rable men!"

SIR JAMES HOGG from his place in the House
Repelled MR. BRIGHT'S imputation;
And showed all his usual _nous_
In insisting on investigation.
Such inquiry we've made as we can, Sir,
And we're ready to make it again,
To ask freely--when parties won't answer--
Proves clearly we're "hon'rable men."

In the first place our statutes declare
The sale of appointments illegal,
So of course to such sales none would dare
Directors to try and inveigle,
'T was done once--but though that was by _charity_--
The law on the case threw its ken,
And the row that was made proved the rarity
Of such practice 'mong "hon'rable men."

City men--we've our City connections--
(In this there is no impropriety)
We've the social and private affections
Which belong to our grade in society.
If I lay a man 'neath obligation,
Of course he'll oblige me again;
But we never take remuneration--
For we're all of us "hon'rable men."

If the daughter of one of our Board
(And such things have occurred in the body),
By winning the hand of a Lord
From MISS BLOGG become LADY TOM NODDY.
If young NODDIES have writerships handed 'em,
And young BLOGGS Treasury clerkships, what then?
Is BLOGG less, though JOHN BRIGHT may have branded him,
One of twenty-four "hon'rable men?"

As we're quite the commercial _elite_,
In the very first circles while moving,
If the dignified clergy we meet,
The occasion we're right in improving.
What delight for the son of a bishop
To provide, by a stroke of the pen!
In return--if a living he fish up
Why we're both of us "hon'rable men."

Even Cabinet Ministers often
Are proud to admit us as friends,
In those social enjoyments which soften
Official hauteur, till it bends:
What pleasure to give one's cadetships
To a hard-worked First Lord--and if then,
One's sons, now on half-pay, should get ships,
Does that prove us less "hon'rable men?"

As with other men's daughters and wives,
So with ours it is often a passion
(As the Bank or the Brewery thrives),
To shine in the regions of fashion;
For a chaperon countess's matronage,
Or a duchess's favouring ken,
A slice of one's Indian patronage,
Is no price among "hon'rable men."

Then let's hope that the scandal will never
Again with belief be received,
That for Indian appointments we ever
Dream of such thing as "Value received."
"Nought for nothing," of old was the motto,
And appointments were trafficked in then,
"All for nothing," is what we have got to--
We twenty-four "hon'rable men."

* * * * *

OUR TOURIST IN PARIS.

No. 1.

The philosophic traveller leaves his native country in order to study the manners of "our volatile neighbours." At the London Bridge Station he finds a crowd of excited persons, evidently bent on the same object. Every man has a passport in his breast-pocket, and is encumbered with much unnecessary luggage, including the plate-chest, so indispensable to the English gentleman's toilet. A foretaste of foreign sights is given by groups of Frenchmen in beards and moustachios, wrapped in furred garments of strange fashion, and overcome by nervousness at the varied dangers which they are about to encounter. Your correspondent, with proper indifference, reads _Punch_ and the evening papers all the way to Dover. His companions are two anxious Gauls, a boy and his tutor, and a party of exceedingly gay appearance and manners, who has no uniform rule for the introduction or suppression of his h's. He is perhaps a traveller in the button or hook-and-eye line.

At Dover the tourist is turned out into the dark with his companions, and finds himself in the power of a band of bravoes, who share the luggage between them, thrust us, the helpless owners, into narrow and filthy dungeons on wheels, and then, reckless of prayers and menaces, hold a council upon our fate. We are at length hurried off into deeper gloom, and the plash of the ocean awakens indefinable apprehensions in the breasts of all. But we wrong the band--they are honest as things go, and will take ransom. A shilling, under pretence of an omnibus ride of a hundred yards, satisfies one ruffian; a second shilling stays the wrath of another, who in return mildly slides your portmanteau down a board into the steamer. This vessel is fuming in great excitement at everybody's confounded stupidity and slowness. "What on earth are you waiting for?" it seems to say. "How can you possibly expect me to take the letters in time? It's all very well for you, you know, but I'm a public character, and have got a reputation to keep up. Don't stand loitering there about those things. Pitch 'em in anyhow. Hang the luggage. What's luggage to letters? You have no idea how important the mail-service is. I know I'm very passionate, and if you don't come at once I shall scream."

Ah! the last carpet-bag is in; the bell rings, the bad language partially ceases, the mooring ropes are cast off, and the fussy old animal is allowed to have her own way. The philosophic tourist finds his companions of the train. The tutor is curled up under the table in the cabin, which is full of sleepers, lying about in every direction like great flies who have over-eaten themselves. The distinguished foreigners have already become pale even at the tranquil heaving of the harbour tide. The hook-and-eye man and the boy are smoking infamous cheroots, drinking neat cognac, and making pointless jokes in a loud voice to the steward. We are outside the pier. Your correspondent has no emotions. He sees the cliffs of Albion diminish without a sigh--a regret. He does not feel the poetry of the situation. He omits to quote _Childe Harold_ to a gentleman's servant who kindly helps him on with a third great-coat. He is perhaps brutal; yet he is not without some remains of human sentiment. The greatest pleasure man can enjoy is to contemplate the misfortunes of others. Accordingly, he visits the sick. The cabin has become a hospital--a Pandemonium. To stay there is impossible, he returns to the deck. Alas! the furry exiles are paying a bitter tribute to the ocean. The happier ancients could propitiate NEPTUNE with a horse. Now-a-days he has a fancy for human sacrifices, and will only lie appeased by a portion of ourselves. HOOKS-AND-EYES has lost his disposition to joke, regrets the brandy, curses the cheroot, and sits down in gloomy silence. The youngster is jollier than ever, and chaffs his discomfited friend, whom he pronounces in private an awful snob.

Meanwhile the swift steamship cuts through the hissing waves. A south wind springs up, and we enjoy a pleasant variety of motion. To the original regular dip and rise which tried so many, is now added a jerking roll, occasionally amounting to a lurch. "_Ah ciel!_" gasp the expiring Gauls. "Steward, steward!" yells HOOKS-AND-EYES, as he flies across the deck seemingly by some supernatural impulse, and clings convulsively to the lee bulwarks. "And they said we should have a good passage," complain half a dozen other wretched beings, who make up a party to occupy the same position. The philosopher and his young friend pace the deck as well as they can, and hold sweet conversation. The artless lad details his ancient lineage, his past at Eton, his future at Oxford, and the Continental tour which, illustrated by the mild wisdom of JENKINS, M.A., is to fill up the interval between the two. These pleasant words make short the voyage. "Mark, my youthful acquaintance," says the philosopher, "mark the abject misery of these men. There are Britons among them, but the first, the feeblest of them all are French. Rejoice, therefore, for this malady is the Guardian Genius of our shores. Here are coast-defences more stubborn than Martello towers, more terrible than militia men, more vigilant even than a Channel fleet. Figure to yourself an army of red-trowsered invaders in this state offering to land on English shore, and bless the beneficent dispensations of nature. And now, perhaps, you will do me the favour of whistling _Rule Britannia_. Thank you."

The lights of Calais become rapidly visible, the seas abate, the groaning invalids recover their legs, the poor sick ladies come up from the cabin; we glide into smooth water listening to strange cries from the pier, and finally grate along the quay. We are welcomed to the strand of France by _douaniers_ in green with round caps, and policemen in blue with cocked hats and yellow shoulder-belts. We must try to admire and love these men, for as long as we remain, they are fated to be our constant companions. The dilapidated troop of travellers is marched into a sort of condemned cell, whence a detachment disappears from time to time to undergo the examination of their passports and luggage. Here comes the first need of the French tongue. The miserable foreigners recover something of their importance, and the Britons, proud of their exemption from the troubles of the sea, begin to find that they are mortal. HOOKS-AND-EYES, emboldened by excessive draughts of brandy, which make him blink and walk unsteadily, becomes a public character by the wonderful volubility with which he talks an idiom of his own, perfectly unintelligible to the officials. He fancies, it would seem, that he is speaking some Continental language. An hour--two hours--are thus cheerfully spent, and we ultimately settle into a train which ultimately starts. Sleep is rendered impossible by a tin box full of hot water laid at the bottom of the carriage, which, though it certainly warms your feet, brings your knees up to your chin, and at last amounts to an instrument of torture.

The chill of dawn penetrates through voluminous wrappings, and the grey light, as it gradually strengthens, renders visible the dreary face of the country and the haggard unshaven countenances of the travellers. Our young friend, however, is as fresh as a rose and as airy as a lark. "Why, the sunrise is just like the sunrise in England, only not so fine. My eye, look at those pigs! what tremendous legs they've got! That black one is just like a greyhound; he might go for the Derby if he was in condition. Look, there's a clod in wooden shoes. Ah! none of the labourers in Leicestershire wear wooden shoes. That's what my governor said at the last election, when we licked the Freetraders so. Nothing like the British peasantry, their country's pride, when once--I forget how it goes on. Why, they have not got any hedges, just fancy. That isn't good farming, is it, MR. JENKINS?" That Master of Arts, who, under happier circumstances, might have here given a quotation from _Virgil's Georgics_, was meekly prostrate beneath the vicissitudes of travel, and quite unable to reply. As we stop at occasional stations we see groups of happy country people, the women in jackets and white caps, the men in blouses, mounted in open cars, and laughing and jabbering without end. Houses become more frequent--tall, slim, chilly-looking white structures, with Venetian blinds outside each window. More careful cultivation marks the proximity of a great market. Finally, we pass deep ditches, low massive walls, not visible till you are close to them when you see how enormous they are, a ragged suburb, and we are in Paris. A fresh searching of luggage, a light one this time, for butter, eggs, and cabbages, I believe, sets us free--that is, as free as any one can be out of dear Old England.

The philosophic traveller here makes one reflection. What assurance a man must have to bore the British public with the description of a journey that every one has made, and knows as well as he does the Greenwich Railway, or the route from Chelsea to the Bank!

* * * * *

ALARMING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.

An accident, the consequences of which have proved more serious than was at first anticipated, has occurred on the Lancashire and Yorkshire Railway, the rails and sleepers of which had, we understand, been, for some time previously, in an insecure condition. The result has been damages to the amount of above L7,000, incurred by the Company at the Northern Circuit Assizes for loss of life attributed to that state of things. As the sufferers in this instance are directors, instead of stokers or engineers, the calamity will perhaps prove a salutary lesson to them, by teaching them to make better arrangements for the safety of the public. Many of the victims, we believe, have wives and families, to whom, however, it is not apprehended that their loss will prove unusually distressing.

FURTHER PARTICULARS.

Since the accident, we are informed by our special contemporary, the _Morning Post_, that the authorities of the Railway in question

"Have issued the following ticket, which passengers on their
dangerous line are required to sign, and which we here give word for
word as it is printed and issued by these liberal directors:--

"'This ticket is issued by the Company and accepted by the holder,
upon the express understanding and agreement that the Company are
not to be in any way held responsible to the holder, or his
representatives, for the consequences of _any accident, however
caused_, which may happen to the holder while travelling in any of
the Company's vehicles, or being at any of the Company's Stations.
It must be exhibited to the Company's Officers whenever required,
and any person using it other than the person named herein will be
liable to the same penalties as a passenger who does not pay his
fare.'"

We have no reason for supposing that the above agreement is a hoax, which has been palmed off upon our contemporary, or that it is a joke at the expense of those unfortunate people who have been already put to so much. On our mind there is no doubt of its authenticity. We are sorry to say we do not think it calculated to answer its purpose; which is to insure the pockets of the Company against the consequences of those awful accidents which are inevitable on an unsafe line. In the first place, we are of opinion that it would not hold good in law. But even if it were legal, it would only tend to obviate the pecuniary consequences of accidents, by preventing the accidents from occurring; and that simply by deterring the public from running the risk of them. To find a Railway Company demanding to insure their property against his loss of life or limb, as a condition to taking him as a passenger, is rather calculated to reduce a man to a sense of the dreadful situation in which he must place himself by venturing on their line. If they persist in issuing this precautionary ticket, they might as well, for consistency's sake, adorn their stations with death's heads and tombstone cherubim, and cover their platforms with black cloth.

* * * * *

London Cousin. "_See them things, Bill; them's what the swells in Ancient Days put out their veeds with. Nobby move, wasn't it?_"]

* * * * *

GREAT SUCCESS OF CLAIRVOYANCE.

It is perfectly well known, and firmly believed by many of the gullible, that some clairvoyants, by the mere inspection of a lock of a patient's hair, are able to ascertain his complaint and also to prescribe for it, without having acquired any knowledge of medicine. We are informed by a person of quality, on whom we can depend, that a certain clairvoyant having had a portion of hair shown to him the other day, instantly pronounced the individual it had belonged to a lunatic, and recommended that the whole head should be shaved. The declaration of the somnambulist was remarkably verified, and the propriety of his advice demonstrated, by the fact, that the individual who had owned the hair turned out to be a gentleman who had been sending conscience money to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER "for omitted Income Tax."

* * * * *

A Present for Aberdeen.

The _Times_ correspondent writes that English sailors are dying, poisoned by the miasma and mosquito bites at the mouth of the Danube, blocked up by the atrocity of Russia. And what says ABERDEEN? Nothing. We have heard of such visitors as a flea in one's ear; now, by way of a memento of dying British tars, we wish LORD ABERDEEN had just one mosquito in his night cap.

* * * * *

SEA SNIPS.

Battle steamers will, perhaps, in one sense of the word, be correctly denominated Navy tailors, in consequence of cutting out men of war.

* * * * *

* * * * *

OUR HONEYMOON.

WEDNESDAY--MAY 29, 18--.

"Now, my dear FRED--if I could only feel certain you were quite ashamed of yourself, you don't know how comfortable I should be? Call yourself a Christian, and going out murdering people!" I couldn't help saying as much: no, quite the reverse.

"But nobody's hurt," said FRED, laughing. "Besides, now we're the best friends in the world."

"Well, men _are_ creatures, to be sure! To make friendship over bullets and gunpowder. And supposing you'd been killed? Now, just to satisfy me, just for a moment suppose that?"

Whereupon, in his odd way, he stared in my face; and said he thought the calamity would have mightily become me.

"And to have been made a widow for another person--and that person, one's own servant. But I have given JOSEPHINE warning"--

"Nonsense!" said FREDERICK, and I _did_ stare. "Nonsense, my darling," he repeated in his tender way; but I was not to be persuaded.

"Why, the creature was bold enough before. But with the thought in her head that her master had been fighting a duel, and all about her, she'd be as conceited, the house wouldn't hold her. She _goes_: now, it's no use talking, of _that_ I'm determined."

"And so because a foolish young man--not but what he's a very good fellow--_will_ write letters to a silly girl"--

"Oh, never tell me! He'd never have sent letters and nosegays to _such_ a person, if she hadn't encouraged him."

"Ha! that's how you women help one another! The man begins the injury, and the sister-woman finishes it. No, LOTTY; you'll do nothing of the sort. You'll not part with JOSEPHINE; and, more than that, you'll see young BLISS to-day. Who'd have thought to fight the brother of"--

"The fisherwoman? Well, it's very odd; I must say it's odd: and if I _do_ consent to see him, I know I shall only be laughed at."

"Do what's right, LOTTY; and then you may laugh with the laughers."

Now there was such good sense in this, that what could I say? Why, I didn't know; so I just put my arm about his neck.

"Yes, my love, and you'll not crush poor TRUEPENNY"--

"Now, don't ask me that, FRED; that is really too much."

"They'll both be here to-day; and, come, I'll strike a bargain with you, LOTTY?"

"A bargain?" said I. "Why, what's the use, FRED, when you always get the best of it? Well, I'm in a foolish good temper, so what is it?"

"If you'll receive young BLISS"--

"But is it really true that MISS BLISS--the young lady with the artificial flies--is going to be married? Really true?"

"I've told you, I hear next week. That fine young fellow we saw at the church, he's the man. When _their_ honeymoon is over, I intend to ask them, and young BLISS, too, to _The Flitch_."

"Well?" said I, a little relenting. "And now your bargain?"

"You'll see young BLISS and TRUEPENNY--they'll be here to lunch--and we'll start for home, by the first stage to-day, directly afterwards. Is it a bargain?"

"It's two days earlier than we're looked for," said I.

"Very well, let us stop out the time here," cried FRED.

"Not another hour. No; now I shall never be fully happy till I'm at home. I do verily believe, I shall go upon my knees and kiss the door-step. So JOSEPHINE has but to bestir herself--I only hope she'll prove herself worthy of the confidence we place in her; but it's a risk, FRED; depend on it, 'tis a risk."

With this I ran away to my room, and made JOSEPHINE comfortable, telling her that I thought her a most imprudent, if not a very culpable young woman, to have nosegays and letters sent to her, and so to destroy the peace of families--for it was no use to tell me that she couldn't help the gentleman sending them, that I _couldn't_ believe;--but nevertheless if, as I believed, she was truly sorry for her conduct, I wouldn't have the heart to throw her upon the wide, wide world; but would much rather prefer to take her home with us, and--if she continued to behave herself--to make her happy as the day was long. I said all this; but I was sorry, really hurt to observe, that the young woman listened to a good deal I said, like any stone. But then for gratitude, who's to expect it?

We soon had everything packed, and I returned to FRED. Was ever anything so provoking? Instead of MR. BLISS and that TRUEPENNY, came two letters of apology. MR. BLISS had received a sudden call upon his attention that he must obey, but hoped to be allowed to see FRED and "his charming partner"--(and he'd thought nothing of making her a disconsolate widow!)--some day at _The Flitch_. As for MR. TRUEPENNY, he declared to FRED that "he had not the courage to meet his wife:" which I considered a very proper compliment to my spirit. I scarcely thought the man had as much remorse and proper feeling in him. And then he added--"P.S. I write this upon my knees, sending my contrition to your estimable partner; with an earnest prayer that, at some distant day, I may be permitted to approach her at her own fireside. Dinner is beyond my ambition as above my deserts: but, I trust, that after due time and penitence, I may hope to be called to the tea-table. May hope still lift up her azure eyes to muffins?"

"I really don't see anything to laugh at," said I to FRED, who was mightily amused as he read the letter. And to say the truth I _was_ a little vexed. Because I had made my mind up to show FRED how forgivingly I could behave--and then to be disappointed of the opportunity _was_ vexing.

However, we lunched alone; paid the bill; and--shall I ever forget how I jumped into the carriage? I seemed to have wings!--and away we trundled homewards--homewards!

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