Chapter XXX: Letter XLIII (10)

The members might attend to turn their own cylinders, or the "Turner of the House of Commons" (for the duties of the Speaker would be at an end) might go round and set in motion the cylinders of those whose opinions he wished to circulate. The Irish members might be gratified, yet without any hindrance to public business, by the simultaneous gyrations of all their cylinders; a number of others, inscribed with the words Hear! Hear! or Question! might always be kept going; and if any honourable gentlemen chose to inscribe on their Tchu Kor words descriptive of cock-crowing or braying, they might make fowls or donkeys of themselves without hurting the feelings of others. In short _Mr. Punch_ is so interested in his scheme, and so anxious for its development, that he pledges himself to have _Toby_ in readiness to turn LORD JOHN RUSSELL'S Tchu Kor, on the very first night that the scheme shall come into operation

* * * * *

AGRICULTURAL BRUISERS.

Thrashing, bruising and milling are now carried to such perfection by machinery that every housekeeper may thrash his own establishment, every father of a family may do his own bruising, and every man may have the luxury of a private mill on his own premises. At the recent Cattle Show, our attention was invited to a "compact hand mill," calculated to do an immense amount of bruising, and to give a regular good dressing at the same time to a certain quantity of flour. The newspapers are continually asking us whether we bruise our oats, and intimating that if we vigorously assault our corn it will serve us as well again, from which we infer that every blow administered to our oats will be the means of an extra blow-out to our cattle. We wish our agricultural friends would tell us whether the bruising system would be applicable to anything else beside corn, and whether we may safely, in addition to bruising our oats, give occasionally a black eye to a potatoe?

* * * * *

A NOM DE GUERRE.--The French papers talk of ABERDEEN, _apropos_ of the Turkish Question, as the "_ci-Divan jeune homme_."

* * * * *

CONSERVATIVES IN ILL ODOUR.

In whatever sense of the word the Corporation of London has conserved the Thames, it has not made that river a conserve of roses.

* * * * *

CORPORATION TABLE TALK.

The serious importance of Table Talking has been recognised by the City of London Corporation Commission, who have examined, as a witness, one of the Mansion House tables. The answers which they obtained by its means are important, as bearing on the question of Aldermanic agency.

No sooner had the Commissioners placed their hands on the table than it began to move, evidently not from any involuntary muscular action, for to whatever extent those gentlemen pushed their inquiries, they did not push the table.

The following interrogatories were then put to the table, which rapped out the corresponding replies in the usual manner by striking with one of its legs, once for the affirmative, and twice for the negative, or giving the floor a knock at each of the several letters required to form a word, as the Chairman ran his pencil over the Alphabet:--

1. How old are you? The table rapped so many times that the Commissioners were tired, and directed it to stop, which it did.

2. Are you older than the oldest inhabitant?--Yes.

3. Did you know WALWORTH?--Intimately.

4. Was WHITTINGTON a man or a myth?--Both.

5. Was he LORD MAYOR OF LONDON?--Yes.

6. Three times?--Yes.

7. Used he and the Aldermen to dine together?--Sometimes.

8. What was the principal delicacy at their banquets?--Rapped out "Ox."

9. Was it roasted?--Yes.

10. Whole?--Yes.

11. With a pudding in its belly?--Yes.

12. Was there venison pasty?--Yes.

13. Did a Member of the Corporation ever eat a whole one?--Yes.

14. Name the individual?--Spelt "GOG."

15. Was he an Alderman?--Yes.

16. Who was MAGOG?--Rapped "Mace."

17. Do you mean that he was Macebearer?--Yes.

18. For what was he celebrated?--Drink.

19. How much would he imbibe at a sitting?--Answered "Hogsheads."

20. Of iced punch?--No. Of ale?--Yes. Of canary?--Yes. Of Malvoisie?--Yes. Of each?--Yes.

21. Were statues erected to GOG and MAGOG to commemorate their exploits?--Yes. In eating and drinking?--Yes.

22. Are you in suffering?--Yes.

23. From the effects of overloading?--Yes. From Gout?--Yes. In one of your legs?--Yes. Can you move that leg?--No.

24. Does the recollection of what you have had to bear disgust you?--The table heaved violently.

25. Does conscience torment you?--Yes.

26. On account of the charities which you have served to consume?--Yes.

27. Have you often groaned under your burdens?--Yes.

28. Give the number of tureens of real turtle which you have borne in your time.--Rapped to the number of twenty thousand, and was continuing, when the time having arrived for the adjournment of the sitting, the examination of the table was postponed to another day.

* * * * *

FACTS FOR COCKNEY NATURALISTS.

Setters are a kind of dog kept exclusively in poultry-yards, for the purpose of assisting the hens in the work of incubation.

There are curious couples to be met with in the natural as well as in the social world. Thus Rooks and Pigeons are almost always found in company; while the Oyster but rarely appears without a Swallow.

The habits of the London rabbit (specimens of which may be obtained at any poulterer's) are extremely curious, and interesting to the naturalist. Though wild at times, it is easily domesticated, and will eat from the hand as well as from the pie-dish. It frequents in the day-time the tops of water-tubs and the bottoms of areas: while at night it is generally found on the tiles. When pleased, the animal makes a soft purring noise; but at night its cries are loud and piercing, and seriously disturb the neighbourhood which it infests. Its ears partake rather of the "crop" order than the "lop," and unlike the country species, it has a long tail. Unlike that species also, it is said, in lodgings especially, to be omnivorous.

Salmon of large size may be caught pretty freely in the Serpentine nearly all the year round--with a hook.

The author of "_Nasology_" asserts that human beings are distinguished chiefly by the nose; and the remark may be extended to the inferior creation, for there is scarcely a creature but has some prominent feature for the naturalist to lay hold of. Thus you may always know a woodcock, like an inn keeper, by the length of his bill, while a woodpecker more nearly resembles an apothecary, from its keeping bark continually on tap. In the same way, too, cocks are distinguished by their combs, and foxes by their brushes.

It is a singular fact that country cats have generally not half the appetite of London ones. The voracity of these latter animals is indeed prodigious; and hardly less surprising is the variety of their diet. We have ourselves repeatedly known instances, where in a single night the cat has been discovered to have eaten about a pound of beefsteak, and more than three quarters of a leg of mutton; and we are informed by a scientific friend of ours, who lives in lodgings, that he has even met with cases well authenticated by his landlady, where in less than a week her cat has consumed half a caddy of his tea, as well as an entire bottle of his brandy.

* * * * *

SOMETHING LIKE LEATHER.

RUSSIAN HIDES WELL TANNED. By OMAR PACHA & CO. Tanners to the SUBLIME PORTE, Moldo-Wallachia.

* * * * *

CENTRALIZATION IN THE CITY.

Whatever may be the nature of the thinking principle of man, there is no doubt that the soul of business, Punctuality, is material. This psychological truth has been judiciously recognised in the practical philosophy of the City of London, which has devised a method of insuring the virtue in question, based on a profound conviction of its materiality. Of Committees for General Purposes, MR. THOMAS ROGERS, in evidence before the Corporation Commission, stated that

"In order to induce Members to attend punctually the Chairman waits
five minutes. At the expiration of that time he drops his hammer,
and then all who are present have a right to dine with the
Committee, but all who come after the five minutes are excluded from
the dinner."

No doubt the attendance is generally full--at the commencement of the proceedings as well as after the subsequent repast. But in case the majority of the members are behind time, do the minority eat up the dinner provided for the whole number? Should the persons present at the fall of the hammer amount to just thirteen, does the popular superstition, that objects to a baker's dozen at the mahogany, prevent them from sitting down to table in a party of that number? If so, does one gentleman retire, or is one more taken in from the excluded set, and is the fortunate, or unfortunate, individual selected by lot? These are questions that suggest themselves to most thinking minds, though they did not occur to those of the Commissioners.

"_Domine Dirige Nos_" ought no longer to be the civic motto. Considering their characteristic principle of managing matters by appealing to the centre of the human system, the stomach, a better motto for the Corporation would be "_Medio tutissimus ibis_."

* * * * *

AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION.

PUNCH _and_ ALDERMAN CHALLIS.

_Punch._ Well, my EX-LORD MAYOR, is PRINCE ALBERT to have a statue?

_Alderman C._ Ah! that he shall, please the pigs!

_Punch._ You mean to say, if it please the Aldermen.

[CHALLIS _retires chap-fallen_.

* * * * *

EUROPEAN CONCORD.--We are happy to announce the Definite Concert of the Four Great Powers. Perhaps it ought rather to be called a Quartet; but that does not much signify: nobody need care what the coalition is named, if it results in harmony.

* * * * *

LEGAL CURIOSITY.

Mr. Punch has been unjustly accused of being hostile to the Lawyers. He repudiates the charge; and, in proof of his regard for a class whom he firmly believes not to be much blacker than they are painted, he subjoins a specimen of an honest attorney's bill. _Mr. Punch_ offers it to the profession as a model, and is convinced that if bills of costs were framed on its principle, he should hear less of strikes in the higher Courts--that wholesome striking by which an attorney is abated, and the roll lightened.

_In the County Court_,} JIGGER
_and that of Common_ } _v._
_Honesty_. } SQUASH.

ATTORNEY'S CHARGES.

JANUARY 1.-Attending plaintiff JIGGER, who stated that he
was a Vestryman of Marlebone, and that in the course of a
debate upon Hungarian politics, which naturally arose out
of a paving and lighting question, the defendant SQUASH,
also a Vestryman, had called him a hignorant hupstart,
intimating most unjustifiably, that he, SQUASH, would
sooner request the opinion of a jackass upon the point at
issue than that of the plaintiff. Informing JIGGER that he
had better mind his shop and not mind SQUASH. No charge.

FEBRUARY 10.--JIGGER calling and desiring to restate his
grievances, which had rankled in his mind, taking down an
almanack and pointing out to him that the month, which
contained twenty-eight days only, was much too short for
me to listen to such nonsense, and advising him to go
about his business, and also attend to it. No charge.

MARCH 12.--Attending JIGGER, who came in the evening with
a paper, in which he said he had put his case in the
strongest possible light. Convinced him that he had not,
by burning his paper in my naphtha lamp, and recommending
him to go home and take his wife to the play. No charge.

APRIL 19.--Perusing the first page of a letter from
JIGGER, in which he again stated his wrongs, and entered
at some length into the Hungarian question, and the
suspected levities of MRS. SQUASH, the defendant's wife,
and putting the said letter into the fire. No charge.

MAY 24.--Being at the Derby, and JIGGER coming up very
tipsy, and insisting on entering into his affairs between
the races, attending Policeman A 172, and instructing him
to move JIGGER. No charge.

JUNE 29.--Attending JIGGER, who came in great glee to tell
me that he had served a County Court summons on SQUASH,
when I apprised him of my opinion that he was a great
blockhead, but as he dissented from this view of the case,
taking instructions to conduct the case for him, and
subsequently writing to SQUASH to tell him to give me a
look in. No charge.

JULY 1.--Attending SQUASH, and telling him that I hated to
see a couple of neighbours and fellow parishioners
squabbling and scandalising one another, and that they
must meet and make it up; when SQUASH entered at
considerable length into the Hungarian question, and also
gave me some anecdotes of JIGGER'S rascality, and his
daughter JEMIMA'S vulgarity. He consented to withdraw the
jackass, but adhered to the hignorant hupstart. No charge.

AUGUST 3.--Having previously procured adjournments of the
summons, my clerk's attendance to get JIGGER out of the
way on a fool's errand, so that when the cause was called
on there was no plaintiff, and the matter dropped. No charge.

SEPTEMBER 4.--Attending JIGGER, who had been talking to
some jackanapes of a lawyer's clerk, and had been told
that the County Court summons might be resuscitated by a
Bill of Revivor in Chancery, which he wanted me to file,
and instructing JIGGER, as a preliminary, to go and kick
his new adviser. No charge.

OCTOBER 11.--Attending SQUASH, who complained that my
client was taking the law into his own hands, and throwing
dead kittens, with insulting inscriptions affixed to their
necks, into his, SQUASH'S, shop, with intent to injure him
in his trade of a sausage maker. To mollify SQUASH,
ordering 3 lbs. of sausages; and N.B., presented same to
my clerk, not having much faith in the defendant's
zoological knowledge.

Paid for sausages. 2 6

NOVEMBER 5.--Attending JIGGER, who insisted on my coming
to the window to see a Guy, which he had prepared in the
likeness of SQUASH, and which he was causing his sons and
apprentices to carry about, with a song containing pointed
satire upon the Houses of Austria and of SQUASH. No charge.

DECEMBER 24.--Being out in the evening, ordering some
spirits for my own Christmas festivity, and accidentally
seeing SQUASH and his wife, instructing them to meet me in
ten minutes in the parlour of the Jolly Snobs, and
fetching JIGGER and his wife to the same place; addressing
the parties on their folly, and insisting on their all
joining in a friendly bowl of Christmas Punch, to which
proposition they ultimately assented: SQUASH, in broken
accents, declaring that, in his heart, he preferred JIGGER
to LORD PALMERSTON for real political knowledge, and
JIGGER avowing that some gentleman, of whom he had read in
the Sunday papers, called HARISTYDUS, was an unjust party
compared to SQUASH. Left them shaking hands, and the women
crying over one another. No charge.

Bowl of Punch 5 0
------

Total Bill of Costs for the year L0 7 6
------
_This is my Bill_,

BOLT UPRIGHT, _Attorney_.

* * * * *

PALMERSTON PERPLEXED.

If the energetic Home Secretary had only mentioned to us--confidentially of course--that he contemplated inviting everybody who can use a pen--every goose, in fact, possessed of a quill--to write to him on the subject of any and every grievance, we should have dissuaded him from the too adventurous act. The daily, and indeed hourly contents of our letter-box would, if set before his Lordship, have convinced him, that the corrector of public abuses will find himself continually buried under a Mont Blanc of foolscap, and enveloped in a mist of envelopes. LORD PALMERSTON will have less labour thrown upon him by his official post, than the Penny Post will consign him to every hour of the day.

We, however, remind his Lordship to lay down a rule excluding all anonymous letters from the number of those to which he is ready to give attention. Already one enormous hoax has been played upon him by a wag, who, under the signature of "OBSERVER," has made a complaint against the City Police of "charging the public with drawn swords" on Lord Mayor's Day, and turning the Poultry into a sort of Peterloo. The Home Secretary has already demanded an explanation from the civic authorities; but it has turned out that the horses which rode over the people belonged to a mare's nest, while the only charge upon the public by the City Police is a charge of so much in the pound by way of rate, which is, no doubt, rather a heavy one. We certainly acquit the police of the massacre imputed to them by LORD PALMERSTON'S anonymous friend, who seems to have a little of the assassin in his own composition, for he does his utmost to murder, by a stab in the dark, the characters of those whom he is too cowardly to assail in a straightforward manner.

* * * * *

NICHOLAS'S DREAM.

I wandered in a rosy dream,
Where Danube's waters pour;
And there I saw the Crescent gleam
Upon the farther shore.

When lo! it seemed to pale and wane,
And through the sky go down;
Athwart the flood I leaped amain,
And clutched a Turkish Crown.

Oh! trust not visions, when, to Ill,
Ambition they incline;
That Crescent bright its horns will fill,
Whilst I shall draw in mine!

* * * * *

CURIOSITIES OF THE CATTLE SHOW.

The annual aggregation of "fatty deposits," at the Bazaar in Baker Street, has just taken place as usual. It is, perhaps, as well that the exhibition should be of brief duration; for, in these days of "nuisance removal," we are not sure that the overfed beasts might not have been regarded as so many accumulations of offensive matter, and ordered to be got rid of accordingly.

The yearly gathering of agriculturists is, of course, the signal for the circulation of all sorts of puffing hand-bills setting forth the virtues of some new inventions for puzzling the weak agricultural mind, and making a demand on the agricultural pocket. We fancy we see a little turn for irony in one of the announcements put into our hand, which invited our "particular attention" to an article called the "Farmer's Friend," which has proved "an efficacious cure of fret and cholic." If the farmers have not yet left off fretting, here is a friend indeed; and it is to be had as low as 1_s._ 8_d._ a bottle. We should suspect that the proposed antidote to "fret and cholic" among the farmers would be found, if analysed, to contain a good share of alcohol. Among the "drinks for cattle" advertised at the Bazaar, we find one of a rather startling description, which is recommended "for the disease called Hoven Blown Blasted Fog sickness"--a malady which we hope neither man nor beast is likely to be afflicted with.

* * * * *

THE RELIGION OF THE HEELS

We cultivate sacred music; but until recently, from a remote period of antiquity, we have had no sacred dancing. A gentleman, however, has just brought out an "Evangeline Waltz," which he advertises in conjunction with a "Flirtation Polka." The gentleman probably conceives himself to have a "mission" to diffuse the Evangel of CUPID by the instrumentality of capers.

* * * * *

USE AND ABUSE.--The Cab and the Driver.

* * * * *

_Young Lady (inclining to Embonpoint)._ "I SHALL WANT HIM AGAIN THIS AFTERNOON--FROM TWO TO FOUR."]

* * * * *

THE HERO OF A HUNDRED HURDLES.

Two gallant officers, a Lieutenant and a Captain of the Fusileers, have lately been running a flat race and a hurdle race against each other. The amusement was manly enough, and quite unobjectionable; though there is something at the first glance rather odd in the idea of two British officers competing which can run the fastest, when we recollect that never to run is the usual practice of our soldiers. We are quite sure that the competitors on this occasion will never use their running powers in the field of action, except in pursuit of an enemy. The races were well contested; the flat race being won by the Lieutenant, who "beat his opponent by three feet," which seems rather unfair, as no man ought to be allowed more than two feet to compete in a running match. In the hurdle race the Lieutenant commenced well against the Captain, but was unable to run him through--having unfortunately slipped in taking the fifth hurdle. The incident is suggestive of a little parody on the favourite military song of

"March! March!"

Jump, jump! Captain and Subaltern,
Why my lads, do you not tighten your girdles?
Jump, jump! make a fair start of it;
There goes the Subaltern over the hurdles!
Comrades shall many a day tell of the horrid way--
(E'en the bare thought makes the life-blood to curdle)
How the poor Subaltern--as his luck took a turn--
Pitched on his head ere he reached the fifth hurdle.
Jump, jump, &c. &c.

* * * * *

THE BEST WAY OF MAKING WAY IS TO TAKE IT.

Some persons have such a taking way with them that "if you give them an inch, they will take an ell." Now we should say the Russians had this same grasping manner about them, and if the Turks had yielded to them a single inch, by this time they would have taken the Dardan-elles.

* * * * *

THE GREAT REFORMER OF THE AGE--TO-MORROW.

* * * * *

THE PRINCE, THE PIGS, AND THE PARASITES.

We think we have at last found a key to the flunkeyism of those citizens who are desirous of getting up an ALBERT Testimonial. The recurrence of the Smithfield Club Cattle Show has presented the Prince Consort again before us in the character of a prizeholder by virtue of a wonderful pen of pigs, which proves His Royal Highness's continued devotion to porcine development. We all know the effect of a fellow feeling, and we are satisfied that the "greasy citizens" must entertain a natural sympathy with those precious feats of princely care which excite so much admiration in Baker Street. The Aldermanic mind would easily find an excuse for gratitude, in the fact that PRINCE ALBERT seeks to give importance to the pig; and they would infer that he who would aggrandise the ordinary pig would not desire to make little of the London Alderman. For our own parts, without wishing to draw a nice distinction, we can appreciate the views of His Royal Highness, and though he may continue to fatten pigs for many years to come, we should not attribute to him any desire to see the London Corporation fattening on the spoils it has so long been allowed to appropriate.

* * * * *

TASKING A BISHOP'S FACE.

In the course of a speech delivered the other day at Southampton, the BISHOP OF OXFORD is reported to have remarked that

"There should be Bishops over the Clergy who would weep when they
wept, and rejoice when they were glad."

Under existing circumstances that would be a difficult arrangement. What with poor curates weeping on their L70 or L80 annual pittances, and rich pluralists rejoicing at the same time in their several thousands a year, a Bishop, in order to sympathize with both, would have to weep with one side of his face and smile with the other.

* * * * *

THE HAPPIEST HUSBAND UNDER THE SUN.

ADAM had one great advantage over all other married couples--an advantage which has been lost to us with Paradise--HE HAD NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE TROUSER MIND.

This kind of mind struts about in fanciful costumes. It flaunts in vagaries, and is always masquerading its betters. It is a mind of colours, but colours without any union, or harmonious combination--giving one the notion of an Irish rainbow, in which all the hues had quarrelled, and resolved to live apart. Nothing is too broad for it, like a Palais Royal farce. Its legs are scored like a leg of pork--only the scoring is fearful in length, so that nothing can wipe it out, like the debts a young man runs up at college. It is lined all over like a zebra, and as the zebra is the animal that is next to the donkey, the description may be said to fit it like a second skin. There is about such a mind the emptiness of vanity coupled with all its noise--not unlike the noise which coppers make when they jingle in an empty pocket. Everything about it is brassy and loud--in fact it is a perfect ophieleide of loudness that is always in full blow. It gives you the headache to look at the owner of such a mind. Better to be right in the middle of the orchestra than sit next to such a mind at the theatre: the one is the soft murmur of Midsummer silence compared to the Cochin-China cock-crowing of the other. It never whispers, but bawls, like the waiter at a cook-shop. The mind bellows, like the poor fellows outside RICHARDSON'S show--and the greater the bellowing the poorer the entertainment, generally, within. Its presence is a continual jar--a jar of sour and offensive things, like one of GOLDNER'S preserves. How it swaggers! One would imagine the whole street belonged to it. It cannot sneeze like other people, but makes ten times more noise than any sneeze demands. It coughs to give notice of its arrival at any place--it bangs the door to give notice of its departure. Its insolence insists upon the best of everything--the seat nearest the fire, the best bedroom, the best cuts at dinner, and the best attention from everybody. It always takes the wall--it never gives way to anybody, not even to a lady. If she wants more room, let her go into the mud! It keeps its hat on in the presence of its superiors; but this is done more from ignorance than bravado, for it never suspects for a moment that it has any superiors. It stops contentedly in the middle of the room, arranges its two locks of japanned hair, that descend like two pitcher-handles on each side of its stony face; opens its legs, and admires its trousers with an air of the most supreme satisfaction. The Trouser Mind rarely looks upward. The head is to it a matter of very secondary importance, excepting as being a block that carries so much hair. Its thoughts are all downward; and if a person is introduced to it, the first survey is always to his boots and trousers. It measures mankind by its nether garments. The other half of the body is quite superfluous. In fact, the human body would, in the opinion of the Trouser Mind, be greatly improved, if it could be so contrived as to wear two pairs of trousers--one above and one below--and each pair to be totally different. In the upper regions, a thunderstorm of a pattern--in the lower, an earthquake.

* * * * *

A Confounded Bully.

Did NICHOLAS mean, say, ye schoolmen so clever,
To entreat he might not be confounded for ever;
Or, did he intend, with presumption unbounded,
To prefer a request to be never confounded?
The former supposed to have been his petition,
There is hope for him yet in unfeigned contrition;
The latter's past praying for--merely delusion:
Old NICK has already been put to confusion.

* * * * *

A CITY PROVERB.

(_To be imbibed whilst eating Turtle._)

"SPARE THE BIRCH (in Cornhill), and you'll spoil the Alderman."

* * * * *

THE MARCH OF INTELLECT.--Everybody walking into everybody else!

* * * * *

PROPOSALS FOR A NEW ART OF PUFFING.

It has long been felt that all the old arts of puffing have been exhausted, and the consequence is that some of the most renowned masters of the arts formerly in vogue have retired from a field in which nothing more can be gathered. The poet has departed from the Mart of MOSES, and the Muses that once hung round the brilliant jet of WARREN have deserted those extensive premises in the Strand where every blacking-bottle used to be, as it were, a jet of the Fount of Castaly.

The harp that once in WARREN'S Mart
The soul of Music shed,
Now mutely lies in WARREN'S cart,
Or under WARREN'S bed.
So sleeps the source of MOSES' lays,
So ROWLANDS' puffs are o'er;
And heads once wreathed in poets' bays
Are thumped for rhymes no more.

No more by stanzas, songs, and odes,
WARREN his blacking sells;
The van alone the carman loads,
The name of WARREN tells.
Thus MOSES' muse so seldom wakes;
The only sign she gives
Is when some silly rhymes she makes,
To show that still she lives.

Poetic puffing having been blown to its utmost extent until the over-inflated windbag has burst and collapsed, the oratorical style of puffing having departed with the late lamented GEORGE ROBINS, and the narrative or anecdotal order of puffing having been abandoned by ROWLAND AND SON, of scented memory, nothing remains but to invent a novelty. Acknowledging, as we do, that "there is nothing new under the sun," we sit down on a day when there is no sun to be seen, and on a misty morning in December we ask ourselves whether something new under a fog may not be perceptible. From the huge cauldron of pea-soup, which is emblemed in the London atmosphere, we fancy we discern something, and a new art of puffing is revealed to us in the shape of a Proposal to combine the Commercial with the Comic, and to establish on the ruins of WARREN'S fitful lyre and MOSES' muse's measures a system of comic puffing, containing a joke in every announcement. In order to show how the thing may be done, we give--gratis--a few specimens. We will begin with a few jokes for Royal Tradesmen.

1st. The QUEEN'S shoemaker may advertise himself as "purveyor of shoes to the whole of HER MAJESTY'S foot," and he may also add that "the good footing on which Royalty stands with the people in this country is entirely due to &c. &c., who makes the QUEEN'S shoes, and who sells highlows, &c. &c. &c."

2nd. The QUEEN'S glover may announce that "the affection entertained by the whole nation for the Royal Kids is entirely due to the fact that HER MAJESTY buys all her gloves of &c. &c."

3rd. The QUEEN'S perfumer may ask conundrumically: "Why is Royalty in such excellent odour in England? Because all the scents used in the palace are purchased at &c. &c."

4th. The QUEEN'S hairdresser may--with a disregard to orthography which is allowable in a perruquier and a punster--hazard the remark "that the true secret of the grace and beauty which adorn the hair to the throne is to be found in the fact that HER MAJESTY'S hair owes its attractiveness to the hand of Nature and the pomade sold only by &c. &c. &c."

We could multiply instances over and over again. But as our object is to suggest a new mine of wealth to those literary men of our day who look to the art of puffing as a mode of obtaining an occasional blow out, we shall not proceed to forestall them in their labours, and take out of their mouths one morsel of that bread which, to the utter consternation of the poet, is now selling at elevenpence the quartern.

* * * * *

AN OLD LAMP AND A NEW ONE.

The scheme of the ARCHBISHOP OF PARIS for instituting a _fete_ under the name of _Fete des Ecoles_, to promote learning in connexion with faith, is a happy one. Everybody will agree in the sentiment expressed in his pastoral, that "Religion and Science are the two lamps which enlighten the world." And if by religion he means Popery, it may be permitted to congratulate him that, happily for the human race, one of the lights which he alludes to has put out the other's burning.

* * * * *

AN IMPROVEMENT.--The Russian army boasts of a PRINCE STIRBEY. We think it would be an improvement, and only a just compliment to the aggressive spirit of the Russians, to call him PRINCE DISTURBEY.

* * * * *

PROPHETS IN THE PARLOUR--GYPSIES IN THE KITCHEN.

When SUSAN, maid-of-all-work in the regular and respectable family of MR. POTTS--small Cityman, with ambition under his waistcoat to be some day considerably bigger--when the aforesaid illiterate and superstitious SUSAN, wishing to better herself--(a vanity that is unconsciously shared with her even by MR. and MRS. POTTS themselves)--gives ready ear to EGLANTINE PRIGDUCK, gypsey from Barnes or Norwood--EGLANTINE dealing in husbands of every variety and at the shortest notice--and, giving ear to the prophetic gypsey, gives her at the same time an opportunity to draw into her Maelstrom pocket or wallet certain silver spoons, afterwards identified by MR. POTTS--his own initials lovingly intertwining with the initials of MRS. POTTS, with the family crest of a rampant lion licking his tongue at posterity indubitably marking them as his property--

When, we say, SUSAN weeps and knocks her knees together, in a paroxysm of terror before the worthy and respected MR. SIXMUNCE--and the indomitable EGLANTINE looks callously innocent, calling all the stars to witness that "the gal giv her the spoons as her own goods and nobody's else's--"

When SUSAN is confronted with this alleged fact--the respectable part of society of which MR. and MRS. POTTS are such very distinguished members, shakes its head, and wonders how ignorance at eight pounds a year, tea and sugar included, can be such a fool as to believe in a gypsey! However, the benevolent MR. SIXMUNCE commits EGLANTINE to Tothill-Fields, and--with one of those paternal remonstrances that have won for him the proud designation of the Father of the Bench--dismisses the grateful SUSAN to her kitchen, MR. and MRS. POTTS, with a sudden benevolence, which causes them some after astonishment and self-congratulation on their goodness, consenting to give the creature another trial.

Now at the very time that SUSAN was opening her homely hand, that gypsey EGLANTINE might read in its hard page the marriage lines of the hopeful maiden (who is to give sixpence at most for the glad tidings; the spoons being purely an after-thought of the gypsey's own)--at the very time MRS. POTTS in her parlour is reading _Raphael's Prophetic Messenger_; for the which she--the educated, finished MRS. POTTS; for was she not beautifully finished at Athens House, Wandsworth?--for the which she has, in the best faith and best current silver, disbursed two-and-sixpence! Ignorance crieth out in the streets, and everybody gives ear to her. Our _Messenger_ has, to be sure, a more winning introduction than even the smiles and musical cajolery of EGLANTINE PRIGDUCK. For it has a beautiful picture in which the events of 1854 are brought out in bold red, and blue, and orange-tawney. LOUIS NAPLOLEON is engaged chatting with BRITANNIA--(who is asking him to run across and take a cup of tea in London, the British Lion at her side manifesting no objection whatever)--the while a very hairy savage has a dagger upraised at the EMPEROR'S back, and is evidently screwing himself up to "the sticking place." There are mourning-coaches going to "take up" at Windsor Castle, with other graphic amenities significant of what must happen in the year 1854. And for this the enlightened MRS. POTTS (that gypsey is still with SUSAN in the kitchen) has given two-and-sixpence; and that too with the mighty resolution of getting her good half-crown's worth out of it. Well, MRS. POTTS begins with January, turning very pale as she learns this fact:--

"_The square of_ VENUS _and_ SATURN _denotes severe affliction to a
lady of the highest rank_. The tranquillity of France is disturbed;
much excitement reigns in Paris, Lyons, Toulouse, and Rome. Turkey
and the regions of the Tigris and Euphrates are sorely afflicted."

This lady--whoever she may be--has very sore afflictions throughout twelvemonth; but then RAPHAEL must earn his half-crown's worth.

In February, MRS. POTTS is informed--(and thinks with a shiver of little WILHELMINA who has not yet had the scarlet fever)--in February:

"MARS retrogrades to the opposition of the Moon in the radix of the
PRINCESS ALICE, and indicates a liability to feverish complaint or
accident."

MRS. POTTS has conjugal fears for the health of POTTS, and resolves to insist upon gutta percha soles. In March--

"The retrogradation of MARS in VIRGO in opposition to VENUS, also
_retrogade in_ PISCES, _will stir up civil broils in Portugal;
treachery and conspiracies amongst the priesthood are directed
against the_ QUEEN _and Government of that country_."

Already, the poor QUEEN OF PORTUGAL sleeps in the tomb of the BRAGANZAS; but even RAPHAEL cannot be always infallible; not even for half-a-crown!

April is big with events; or rather with one event that must swallow up every other. MRS. POTTS is a playgoer, and with the sensibility of her sex, would "ten to one rather see the _Corsican Brothers_ than _Hamlet_." Therefore she reads the subjoined with corresponding perturbation.

"Scandal or death awaits one renowned in the theatrical world."

This is in April! Perhaps on the first of April? It cannot be BARRY, the deathless Clown, who shall be snatched from us? If, then, it should be the--the--the "renowned"--but no! we will not, we _cannot_ think of it! Ha! ha! ha! _Sardanapalus_ is himself again!

MAY is full of danger as of hawthorn. What _can_ the loyal MRS. POTTS think of this?

"MARS hastens, _as it were_, to apply the torch to the train of evil
he has previously laid. _The highest power in the land is grievously
afflicted._ It is the earnest prayer of RAPHAEL, that the direful
influence of SATURN on the ascending degree and radical place of the
luminaries in our beloved Sovereign's horoscope may be averted."

But this is nothing. "The highest power" is continually threatened; a prediction that, in the days of QUEEN BESS, would--we doubt not--have helped RAPHAEL to the highest gibbet. Again RAPHAEL turns the penny upon "our beloved Sovereign." In June, he says--

"I DARE NOT fully enter into ALL the important significations of
these positions and configurations. _I sincerely pray that the
health of our beloved Sovereign_ may be preserved, in which I am
assured her subjects will universally join."

(Do we not behold RAPHAEL on his bended knees, "sincerely praying," with the half-crown in his mouth?) In July, however, our prophet makes merchandize of the QUEEN'S children.

"Saturn transits the place of the Sun in the nativity of the
PRINCESS HELENA, producing a tendency _to disease in the chest_,
&c., at the end of June and beginning of July. The 7th and 8th _are
evil days_ for the PRINCE OF WALES, and the 19th for the PRINCE
ARTHUR. _Their attendants should carefully avoid accident._"

These would have made very "evil days" for our prophet; evil as pillory and cart-whip could have shaped them. But we live in liberal times, and the Astrologer may turn his half-crown upon the probable diseased chest of the little PRINCESS HELENA, and the threatened dangers of PRINCES ALBERT and ARTHUR!

MRS. POTTS reads in August that "the KING OF NAPLES should beware of female intrigue, poison, or the assassin;" and--controlling her emotion--turns over to September, where she learns among other not impossible events that "great cruelty is displayed towards _some female_ about the 27th." MRS. POTTS thinks October a little slow. "Public writers and scientific men are unsuccessful:" and what of that? "The fine arts prosper!" Bother the fine arts: and straightway MRS. POTTS passes to November, _when_

"Much excitement reigns throughout the land; the long talked of
invading army may, under these influences, make its appearance, and
ere many months '_the wolf will come_.'"

With the intuitive calculation of woman, MRS. POTTS wonders where on earth she and POTTS are to sleep, if the Russians--which, of course, is meant by the wolf--is quartered upon 'em?

But this is nothing to what is threatened in December. MRS. POTTS continues to read with--very naturally--increasing fear and amazement. Fear for HER MAJESTY the QUEEN, and amazement at things in general! "Heaven preserve!"--cries the prophet in ominous tones--"Heaven preserve the health of our Sovereign, and also of her people!"--ending with the new version of a Dead March, set after this fashion:--

"Dark and gloomy clouds hover over us; and I regret to add that
during the year 1855 the significations are still fearfully evil. I
cannot at present discover one ray of hope."

What? Not for half-a-crown? Suppose, then, we make it three-and-sixpence!

Now, whilst the POTTSES continue to read the _Prophetic Raphael_--(it is the vagabond's "thirty-fourth year")--in the parlour--should they wonder at, should they punish poor SUSAN with the gypsey in the kitchen?

Take care--oh, ye masters and mistresses!--of the half-crowns, and in good time the spoons will take care of themselves.

* * * * *

A GOOD HATER OF BLUE-STOCKINGS.

"If anything could increase my extreme horror of Blue-Stockings, it would be the terrible suspicion I cannot divest myself of that every Blue-Stocking drinks. I fancy that the only person she pays her devoirs to--and those only in secret--is OLD TOM; and that it is as much as she can do to keep her lips away from him. The suspicion is a very ungallant one, but I cannot help imagining that when two Blue-Stockings get together, they do love a good soaking. In fact, who was the goddess who first gave her countenance to Gin? PALLAS, to be sure; and her very origin was the result of a drunken frolic, for are we not told that she came into the world during one of JOVE'S splitting headaches? Now PALLAS is the confessed patroness of all Blue-Stockings; and as a public-house is to this day called, in honour of her, a "Gin Pallas", it is not very unreasonable to suppose that her _protegees_ are addicted to the same terrible practice! It is sad, indeed, to think--and I only hope it is not true--that the Tree of Knowledge should, with elderly ladies, be a Juniper Tree."--_Anon._

* * * * *

PHRENOLOGICAL ORGAN MUSIC.

The Philharmonic Concerts are tolerably good; those of the Sacred Harmonic Society are pretty fair, but there is a musical entertainment now going on which, if it realises the object it aims at, must beat every other quite out of the field. A lady, MRS. HAMILTON, under the title of "Practical Phrenologist," professes, by advertisement, to give public performances, described by her as "Phrenology illustrated by Music." The shallow punster will of course remark that he imagined that the only organs susceptible of musical expression were those of the sort invented by ST. CECILIA, and not such as were discovered by GALL and SPURZHEIM; except that the phrenological organ of tune might, perhaps, sing for itself. However, HANDEL may be considered to have illustrated the organ of Veneration in his Oratorios; WEBER that of Marvellousness in his _Der Freischuetz_ and _Oberon_; BEETHOVEN that of Ideality and the organs of the other sentiments proper to man, in combination with those of the reflective faculties, in his symphonies and sonatas; BELLINI and DONIZETTI the organs of Adhesiveness and Amativeness. ROSSINI might also be adduced as an illustrator of Gaiety or Mirthfulness, and Imitation, or the dramatic organ. But MRS. HAMILTON'S music, which is to illustrate Phrenology at large, and consequently all the organs, must, if it accomplishes as much as it attempts, be equal to HANDEL'S, BEETHOVEN'S, WEBER'S, ROSSINI'S, BELLINI'S, DONIZETTI'S; indeed to the music of all the great composers put together. She must be a sort of musical SHAKSPERE--than whom nobody else ever succeeded in giving illustrations of Phrenology, or the philosophy of human nature, at large.

To illustrate the whole of Phrenology by Music in one evening must be impossible. The shortest way to do it would be by means of a symphony, consisting of no less than thirty-five movements, if we are to consider the "Love of Life" and "Alimentiveness" as established organs. The latter of these might he elucidated, musically, by the introduction of "_The Roast Beef of Old England_;" for the former, just now, the best notion would, perhaps, be the Russian National Anthem turned into a fugue, to signify PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF'S troops saving themselves as fast as possible from OMAR PACHA. But a series of performances would be required by the extensive nature of the subject; for any one organ, taken in all its combinations, might be played upon for a whole evening. Some of the organs are susceptible enough of musical treatment: "Philoprogenitiveness," or the instinct of paternal and maternal affection, but more especially of the latter, has its melody in the music of nature, as heard in the nursery, or issuing therefrom, mellowed by distance--the mellower from that cause the better. The effect in question MRS. HAMILTON (who appears to be a Scottish lady) might produce by the judicious employment--it would have to be judicious--of the bagpipes. "Acquisitiveness" rejoices in the jingling of money, which might be expressed by means of the triangles, introducing the appropriated air of "_Still so gently o'er me stealing_." "Self-esteem" would blow its own trumpet, of course; the want of it being expressed by transition to a minor key. "Destructiveness" could be disposed of by a crash. "Combativeness" might come out in the drums and fifes. "Firmness" might persist in a violoncello accompaniment. "Cautiousness," slow and sure, would speak in a gentle _adagio_. A lively _allegretto_ would represent "Wit." The music of Masonry would supply some hints for "Constructiveness." There are organs, however, which may rather puzzle a composer. No harmonious measures that one can well imagine would give any idea of "Form" or "Size," and "Locality" would seem to be quite out of the musical way.

MRS. HAMILTON informs the public, that she will lecture on living heads from the audience, assisted by the celebrated MRS. CARTER, "the JENNY LIND of Scotland." Hence, it seems that the music will be, partly at least, vocal. It may be surmised that MRS. HAMILTON'S lecture consists principally of recitative, which would be more suitable than an _aria_, a _bravura_, a _canzonet_, or a part in a duet, to the statement of anatomical and physiological facts. MRS. CARTER, we are told, will sing Scotch, English, and Irish songs. There is an Irish song called "_Donnybrook Fair_," which alludes strongly to the shillelagh, and may therefore be conceived to be very pertinent to bumps. England, doubtless, has ballads adapted to various organs besides the grinding; and in addition to "_John Andersen my Jo_," and many other songs of the affective faculties, there is a particular Scotch song that might be very useful to a lecturer on Phrenology. MRS. HAMILTON, in lecturing on living heads, may be obliged to describe the upper story of some gentleman as being similar in its build to that of the late MR. RUSH. Any unpleasant feeling, or objection on his part to such a statement, might be quelled by MRS. CARTER immediately striking up, "_A man's a man for a' that_."

Whether Phrenology is made any clearer or not by MRS. HAMILTON'S musical illustrations of it, we dare say that those illustrations are anyhow very well worth hearing.

* * * * *

FINE FEEDERS.

It appears that the Sheriffs of London are fined from L500 to L600, in the guise of a subscription to the LORD MAYOR'S Dinner. Now this is a tolerable fork-out, for any one who can stand it, even if destined to the promotion of a high object, but considering what kind of purpose it is actually squandered on, we must call it a knife-and-fork-out that is quite intolerable.

* * * * *

THE CZAR'S CHECK.

The EMPEROR OF RUSSIA has drawn his money out of the Bank of England, which he seems to identify with that of the Danube, whereon a handsome check was presented to him by the Turks.

* * * * *

PRETTY LITTLE THOUGHT.--The Squirrel jumps from branch to branch, the Flirt from beau to beau.

* * * * *

A REAL SCOTTISH GRIEVANCE.--LORD ABERDEEN.

* * * * *

KNOWLEDGE.--The Offspring of Thought, but much oftener an Adopted Child.

* * * * *

"I AX YER PARDON FOR STOPPING OF YE, SIR, BUT COULD YE LEND ME A GIRTH? MINE'S A BROKEN."]

* * * * *

MRS. JANE GIMLET ON "CRUELTY TO WIVES."

"_Yeast Lane, Grinnidge, Haithedesemburhatingfiftethre._

"HONNURD MISTUR PUNCH,

"Heerin from them as nose u, that u wos allus a stikler for wimmins rites, i use no serrymony in a dressin of u wuns more, on beharf of my seks, as may well be called a fare seks to distinguish hit from yurn, as is allus tretin ourn so unfarely. For Surr, feemul flesh an blud cante abear no longer the way in wich husbans is a goin on, not that I speke of JON, wich is a good cretur, tho in respek of bein a man, he cante help aggrawatin sumtimes, but have never liff his hand upon me, an nose better than to try it on agin wun as can scrub ten flores a day, or git up a wekes wosh for a large famly in fore an twenty hours. But sum of my naybors as air not blesst with a good sperrit and constant maniwal heksersise, do get put upon terribul, an hime sure if u could see the pore creeturs a shoin of eche huther their oonds an brooses, for hall the world like hold soldiers after a battel, an here wun on em sain, 'My man give me this here gashly oond on my cheke bone with a smoothin hiren, last Wensday wos a weke;' an hanuther, tellin ow her JIM take an run a bradorle into her sholder, an swore hede skru her to the wall; an a thurd hexplainin ow her husban cum home drunk wen she wos aslepe, an tride to pitch her out of winder (wich she live up three pair o stares) an sed hede thro her litel wuns a top of her, and ood a done it too, honely her naybors cum in an purwented him, just as she wos amost spent with screechin an prayin, an hangin on by her highlids;--if u cood see an here all this an more too, as I sees an heres hevery day ude fele ure blud a bilin in ure wanes, fit to bleech ure werry skin. An then wots our remmydie? 'Lor,' I sez to NANCY JONES, the huther day, wen I see her cummin doun the lain with a blak hi, and her gownd tore, an hever so much of her bak hare torn hout by the rutes, wich her BILL had held hisself on by it, wile he punched her ed, 'Lor' I sez 'NANCY, if JON pull my hare so, od rabbit it, hide polecee him.' 'Donte tell,' sez she 'wot's the gude of poleecin of im? Poleece wood get him siks moneths an ard labor, an hoos to purwide for me an litel JAK, an ROSE JULEENER, an HAGONES, an SOFIER, wile hese enjoying of hisself in prizzen? He do kepe us now, and wede better liv and be bete, than keep hole bones an git no bred.'