Chapter C: F. BROWNE, Artemus Ward's Lecture

Should yours (kind heaven, avert the omen!)
Like the cravats of vulgar, low men,
Asunder start--and, yawning wide,
Disclose a chasm on either side;
Or should it stubbornly persist
To take some awkward tasteless twist,
Some crease, indelible, and look
Just like a dunce's dog-eared book,
How would you parry the disgrace?
In what assembly show your face?
How brook your rival's scornful glance,
Or partners' titter in the dance?
How in the morning dare to meet
The quizzers of the park and street?
Your occupation's gone; in vain
Hope to dine out, or flirt again.
The ladies from their lists would put you,
And even _I_, my friend, must cut you!

H. LUTTRELL, _Letters to Julia_.

A man can never manage a woman. Till a woman
marries, a prudent man leaves her to women;
when she does marry, she manages her husband,
and there's an end of it.

_Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel.

_HOMAGE TO THE SCOTCH RIFLES, BY A SPITEFUL
COMPETITOR._

It seems that the Scots
Turn out much better shots
At long distance, than most of the Englishmen are:
But this we all knew
That a Scotchman could do--
Make a small piece of metal go awfully far.

SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.

Some one peevishly complaining, "You take the
words out of my mouth," Donaldson replied,
"You are very hard to please; would you have
liked it better if I had made you swallow them?"

CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_.

I am lying, we'll say, in the nook I love,
Screened from the sunlight's scorching glow,
Watching the big clouds up above,
And blowing a lazy cloud below;

Blowing a cloud from my meerschaum black,
And thinking or not as I feel inclined,
With a light alpaca coat on my back,
And nothing particular on my mind.

_Once a Week._

There was a Presbyterian minister who married a
couple of his rustic parishioners, and had felt
exceedingly disconcerted, on his asking the
bridegroom if he were willing to take the woman for his
wedded wife, by his scratching his head and saying,
"Ay, I'm wullin'; but I'd rather hae her sister."

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

The prospect's always fine in the Prospectus!

J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_.

Animals are such agreeable friends--they ask no
questions, they pass no criticisms.

GEORGE ELIOT, _Mr. Gilfil's Love Story_.

There is a _tact_,
Which keeps, when pushed by questions rather rough,
A lady always distant from the fact:
The charming creatures lie with such a grace,
There's nothing so becoming to the face.

LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_.

Walked Corry over to Bowood. In looking at
the cascade, he mentioned what Plunket said,
when some one, praising his waterfall, exclaimed,
"Why, it's quite a cataract." "Oh, that's all
my eye," said Plunket.

THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_.

These panting damsels, dancing for their lives,
Are only maidens waltzing into wives.

ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_.

Another friend assured me it was policy to
"feed a cold and starve a fever." I had both.
So I thought it best to feed myself up for the
cold, and then keep dark and let the fever starve awhile.
In a case of this kind, I seldom do things by halves.
I ate pretty heartily. I conferred my custom upon a
stranger who had just opened his restaurant that morning.
He waited near me in respectful silence, until I had
finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people
about Virginia were much afflicted with colds? I told
him I thought they were. He then went out and took in
his sign.

MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_.

A fine lady is like a cat; when young, the most
gamesome and lively of all creatures--when old,
the most melancholy.

ALEXANDER POPE, in LOCKER's _Patchwork_.

'Tis the voice of the lobster; I heard him declare
"You have baked me quite brown, I must sugar my hair."
As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose
Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.

LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.

Poor relations are undeniably irritating--their
existence is so entirely uncalled for on our part,
and they are almost always very faulty people.

GEORGE ELIOT, _Mill on the Floss_.

There was an APE in the days that were earlier;
Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier:
Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist--
Then he was MAN, and a Positivist.

MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_.

It was observed he never gave an opinion on any
subject, and never told an anecdote. Indeed,
he would sometimes remark, when a man fell
into his anecdotage it was a sign for him to retire from
the world.

LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_.

You cannot eat breakfast all day,
Nor is it the act of a sinner,
When breakfast is taken away,
To turn your attention to dinner;
And it's not in the range of belief,
That you could hold him as a glutton,
Who, when he is tired of beef,
Determines to tackle the mutton.

_Defendant_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Trial by Jury_.

Had the Romans public dinners? Answer me
that. Imagine a Roman--whose theory at least
of a dinner was that it was a thing for enjoyment,
whereas we often look on it as a continuation of the
business of the day,--I say, imagine a Roman girding
himself up, literally girding himself up, to make an after
dinner speech.

_Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_.

Folks will teach you when at school--
"Never tell a lie!"
Nonsense: if you're not a fool
You may always break the rule,
But you must be sly;
For they'll whip you, past a doubt,
If they ever find you out.

Folks say, "Children should not let
Angry passions rise."
Humbug! When you're in a pet
Why on earth should you regret
Blacking some one's eyes?
Children's eyes are made, in fact,
Just on purpose to be black'd.

H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_.

It is not now "We have seen his star in the East,"
but "We have seen the star on his breast, and
are come to worship him."

SHENSTONE, _Essays_.

_A FAITHFUL PAGE._

Nearly one hundred years ago, my grandfather,
Captain William Locker, was at dinner, and a
servant-boy, lately engaged, was handing him a
tray of liqueurs, in different-sized glasses. Being in the
middle of an anecdote to his neighbour, he mechanically
held out his hand towards the tray, but, as people often
do when they are thinking of something else, he did not
take a glass. The boy thought he was hesitating which
liqueur he would have, and, like a good fellow, wishing
to help his master, he pointed to one particular glass,
and whispered, "That's the biggest, sir."

FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_.

All men are equal, the Frenchman says;
Most men will gladly receive
What a fervid fool, with a flattering phrase,
Tricks out for fools to believe;
But these men have less brains than a wren!
When a larch is a lily,
And Bessy like Billy
A beard shall achieve,
Then I will believe
That equality reigns among men!

J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_.

I'm not one o' those who can see the cat i' the
dairy, an' wonder what she's come after.

_Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_.

I called him Selim, to express
The marked s(e)limness of his form.

_Songs of Singularity._

"Yes," he exclaimed, "as the sublime Tyndall tells
us, let us struggle to attain to a deeper knowledge
of matter, and a more faithful conformity
to its laws!"

The professor would have proceeded, but the weather
had been rapidly growing rough, and he here became
violently sea-sick.

"Let us," he exclaimed hurriedly, "conform to the
laws of matter and go below."

W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_.

What can Tommy Onslow do?
He can drive a curricle and two.
Can Tommy Onslow do no more?
Yes, he can drive a phaeton and four.

ANON., in GRONOW's _Recollections_.

Hicks and Thackeray, walking together, stopped
opposite a doorway, over which was inscribed in
gold letters these words: "Mutual Loan Office."
They both seemed equally puzzled. "What on earth can
that mean?" asked Hicks. "I don't know," answered
Thackeray, "unless it means, that two men, who have
nothing, agree to lend it to one another."

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

A clod--a piece of orange-peel--
An end of a cigar,--
Once trod on by a princely heel,
How beautiful they are!

C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_.

In the onion is the hope of universal brotherhood.
Look at Italy. In the churches all are alike;
there is one faith, one smell.