Chapter C: F. BROWNE, Artemus Ward's Lecture

And I said, "What is written, sweet sister,
At the opposite end of the room?"
She sobbed, as she answered, "All liquors
Must be paid for ere leaving the room."

BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_.

Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not
tell them so.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "It _would_ be grand!"

"If seven maids, with seven mops,
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it;" said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_.

We easily convert our own vices into other people's
virtues, the virtues of others into vices.

W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_.

You'd better keep clear of love-letters,
Or write them with caution and care;
In faith, they may fasten your fetters,
If wearing a conjugal air.

LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_.

Against stupidity the gods themselves combat in
vain.

HEINRICH HEINE, _Art Notes from Paris_.

_ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE._

'Tis highly rational, we can't dispute,
That Love, being naked, should promote a suit;
But doth not oddity to him attach
Whose fire's so oft extinguished by a match?

R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_.

Lord Shelburne could say the most provoking
things, and yet appear unconscious of
their being so. In one of his speeches, alluding
to Lord Carlisle, he said, "The noble lord has written
a comedy." "No, a tragedy." "Oh, I beg pardon, I
thought it was a comedy."

ROGERS, _Table Talk_.

There's nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms
As rum and true religion.

LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_.

She never speaks to any one, which is of course a
great advantage to any one.

LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON.

I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty
made 'em to match the men.

_Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_.

"You didn't know I drew? I learnt at school."
"Perhaps you only learnt to draw your sword?"
"Why, that I can, of course--and also corks--
And covers--haw! haw! haw! But what I mean,
Fortification--haw!--in Indian ink,
That sort of thing--and though I draw it mild,
Yet that--haw! haw!--that may be called my _forte_."
"Oh fie! for shame! where do you think you'll go
For making such a heap of foolish puns?"
"Why, to the Punjaub, I should think--haw! haw!
That sort of job, you know, would suit me best."