Chapter C: F. BROWNE, Artemus Ward's Lecture

The man who would Charybdis shun
Must make a cautious movement,
Or else he'll into Scylla run--
Which would be no improvement.
The fish that left the frying-pan,
On feeling that desire, sir,
Took little by their change of plan,
When floundering in the fire, sir.

LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_.

The flattery which is most pleasing to really beautiful
or decidedly ugly women is that which is
addressed to the intellect.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.

Johnson's folly--to be candid--was a wild desire to treat
Every able male white citizen he met upon the street;
And there being several thousand--but this subject why pursue?
'Tis with Perkins, and not Johnson, that to-day we have to do.

BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_.

Good little girls ought not to make mouths at
their teachers for every trifling offence. This
kind of retaliation should only be resorted to
under peculiarly aggravating circumstances.

If you have nothing but a rag-doll stuffed with sawdust,
while one of your more fortunate little playmates
has a costly china one, you should treat her with a show
of kindness nevertheless. And you ought not to attempt
to make a forcible swap with her, unless your conscience
would justify you in it, and you know you are able to
do it.

If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to
reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming
to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then
afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the
dictates of your better judgment.

MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_.

We count mankind, and keep our census still,
We count the stars that populate the night;
But who, with all his computation, can
Con catty nations right?

R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_.

I think it was Jekyll who used to say that "the
further he went West, the more convinced he
was that the wise men did come from the East."

SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_.

Ce qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner
à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs.

LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_.

I have observed that if people's vanity is pleased,
they live well enough together. Offended vanity
is the great separator.

_Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_.

_ON EDINBURGH._

Pompous the boast, and yet a truth it speaks:
A "Modern Athens"--fit for modern Greeks.

JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_.

Lord Andover, a very fat man, was greatly
plagued at a fancy bazaar to buy some trifle or
other from the ladies' stalls. At length he rather
rudely said, "I am like the Prodigal Son, persecuted by
ladies." "No, no," retorted Mrs. ----, "say, rather, the
fatted calf."

B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_.

A quiet conscience makes one so serene!
Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded,
That all the Apostles would have done as they did.

LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_.

"Were you born in wedlock?" asked a counsel of
a witness. "No, sir, in Devonshire," was the
reply.

HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_.

Evanson, in his "Dissonance of the Gospels,"
thinks Luke is most worthy of credence. P----
said that Evanson was a _luke_-warm Christian.

CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_.

_ONE FOR HIM._

Reading the paper Laura sat,
"Greenwich _mean_ time, mamma, what's that?"
"My love, it's when your stingy Pa
Won't take us to the Trafalgàr."

SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.

I was once as desperately in love as you are now.
I adored, and was rejected. "You are in love
with certain attributes," said the lady. "Damn
your attributes, madam," said I; "I know nothing of
attributes." "Sir," she said, with dignity, "you have
been drinking." So we parted. She was married afterwards
to another, who knew something about attributes,
I suppose. I have seen her once, and only once. She
had a baby in a yellow gown. I hate a baby in a yellow
gown!

_Berkley_, in LONGFELLOW's _Hyperion_.

A man has generally the good or ill qualities which
he attributes to mankind.

SHENSTONE, _Essays_.

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every shining scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in
With gently smiling jaws!

LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.

_Apropos_ of cutlets, I once called upon an old
lady, who pressed me so urgently to stay and
dine with her that, as I had no engagement, I
could not refuse. On sitting down, the servant uncovered
a dish which contained two mutton chops; and
my old friend said, "Mr. Hook, you see your dinner."
"Thank you, ma'am," said I; "but where is yours?"

THEODORE HOOK, _apud_ PLANCHÉ.

In all distresses of our friends,
We first consult our private ends;
While nature, kindly bent to ease us,
Points out some circumstance to please us.

SWIFT, _Verses on his own Death_.

On ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils.

LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions._

_A NUTSHELL NOVEL._

FOR A MINIATURE MUDIE.

VOL. I.

A winning wile,
A sunny smile,
A feather:
A tiny talk,
A pleasant walk,
Together!

VOL. II.

A little doubt,
A playful pout,
Capricious:
A merry miss,
A stolen kiss,
Delicious!!

VOL. III.

You ask mamma,
Consult papa,
With pleasure:
And both repent
This rash event,
At leisure!!!

J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_.

Woman consoles us, it is true, while we are young
and handsome! When we are old and ugly,
woman snubs and scolds us.

LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_

La société est composée de deux grandes classes:
ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et
ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners.

CHAMFORT, _Maximes_.

Has she wedded some gigantic shrimper,
That sweet mite with whom I loved to play?
Is she girt with babes that whine and whimper,
That bright being who was always gay?

Yes--she has at least a dozen wee things!
Yes--I see her darning corduroys,
Scouring floors, and setting out the tea-things,
For a howling herd of hungry boys.

C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_.

"You may report to your Government that the
British youth of the present day, hot from the
University, are very often prigs."

"Most certainly I will," said Mr. Wog; "the last
word, however, is one with which I am not acquainted."

"It is an old English term for profound thinker," I
replied.

L. OLIPHANT, _Piccadilly_.

Woman takes the lead in all the departments,
leaving us politics only. While we are being
amused by the ballot, woman is quietly taking
things into her own hands.