Chapter C: F. BROWNE, Artemus Ward's Lecture

If a man who turnips cries
Cry not when his father dies,
'Tis a proof that he would rather
Have a turnip than a father.

DR. JOHNSON.

The greatest happiness of the greatest number is
best secured by a prudent consideration for
Number One.

_Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel.

"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head--
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure my brain;
But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.

When the question arose how the title of Herold's
charming opera, "Le Pré aux Clercs," should be
rendered into English, [Beazley] quietly suggested
"Parson's Green."

J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_.

When I left the man in gaiters,
He was grumbling, o'er his gin,
At the charges of the hostess
Of that famous Flemish inn;
And he looked a very Briton
(So, methinks, I see him still)
As he pocketed the candle
That was mentioned in the bill!

JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_.

Morality--keeping up appearances in this world,
or becoming suddenly devout when we imagine
that we may be shortly summoned to appear in
the next.

HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_.

_ON PATRONS' PROMISES._

A minister's answer is always so kind!
I starve, and he tells me he'll keep me in mind.
Half his promise, God knows, would my spirits restore--
Let him keep me, and, faith, I will ask for no more.

LORD HOLLAND, in MOORE's _Diary_.

I know there's a stage of speculation in which a
man may doubt whether a pickpocket is blameworthy--but
I'm not one of your subtle fellows
who keep looking at the world through their own legs.

_Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel.

"A knock-me-down sermon, and worthy of Birch,"
Says I to my wife, as we toddle from church.
"Convincing, indeed!" is the lady's remark;
"How logical, too, on the size of the Ark!"
Then Blossom cut in, without begging our pardons,
"Pa, was it as big as the 'Logical Gardens?"

"Miss Blossom," says I, to my dearest of dearies,
"Papa disapproves of nonsensical queries;
The Ark was an Ark, and had people to build it,
Enough we are told Noah built it and fill'd it:
Mamma does not ask how he caught his opossums."
--Said she, "That remark is as foolish as Blossom's!"

FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_.

Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human
race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense,
and the clever books are the refutation of
that nonsense. The greatest misfortune that ever befell
man was the invention of printing.

Phoebus, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_.

We can't assume, so Comte declares, a first or final cause, sir;
Phenomena are all we know, their order and their laws, sir;
While Hegel's modest formula, a single line to sum in,
Is "Nothing is, and nothing's not, but everything's becomin'."

F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_.

If you wish particularly to gain the good graces and
affection of certain people, men or women, try
to discover their most striking merit, if they have
one, and their dominant weakness, for every one has his
own. Then do justice to the one, and a little more than
justice to the other.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.

Tender ten may dote on toys,
While for twelve jam tarts have joys,
Feat fourteen's in love with boys--
Not a few.

J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_.

Juliet was a fool to kill herself. In three
months she'd have married again, and been glad
to be quit of Romeo.

CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_.

A cornet waltzes, but a colonel weds.

ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_.

In the days when Pam retained the wheel,
We knew the men with whom we had to deal;
Then sucking statesmen seldom failed in seeing
The final cause and import of their being.
They dressed; they drove a drag; nor sought to shirk
Their portion of the matrimonial work.
They flocked to rout and drum by tens and twelves;
Danced every dance, and left their cards themselves,
While some obliging senatorial fag
Slipped their petitions in the Speaker's bag.

_Lady Matilda_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_.

Monk Lewis was a great favourite at Oatlands.
One day after dinner, as the duchess was leaving
the room, she whispered something in Lewis's
ear. He was much affected, his eyes filling with tears.
We asked him what was the matter. "Oh," replied
Lewis, "the duchess spoke so _very_ kindly to me!"
"My dear fellow," said Colonel Armstrong, "pray don't
cry; I dare say she didn't mean it."

ROGERS, _Table Talk_.

Sweet is revenge--especially to women.

LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_.

A plain leg of mutton, my Lucy,
I prithee get ready at three;
Have it smoking and tender and juicy,
And what better meat can there be?

And when it has feasted the master,
'Twill amply suffice for the maid;
Meanwhile, I will smoke my canaster,
And tipple my ale in the shade.

W. M. THACKERAY.

L'amour est comme les maladies épidémiques;
plus on les craint, plus on y est exposé.

CHAMFORT, _Maximes_.

_MARRY_ (_AND_ DON'T) _COME UP_.

A fellow that's single, a fine fellow's he;
But a fellow that's married's a _felo de se_.

SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.

A brother actor, who had not exactly "taken
the house by storm" at his first appearance in
London, very stupidly asked Compton: "Was
my acting good?" "Well," was the reply, delivered
in his inimitable style, "hum! ha! _Good_ is not the
word!"

H. HOWE, in _Memoir of Henry Compton_.

So when two dogs are fighting in the streets,
When a third dog one of the two dogs meets,
With angry tooth he bites him to the bone,
And this dog smarts for what that dog has done.

FIELDING, _Tom Thumb_.

I recollect a humorous M.P. pointing out to
me a retired West Indian judge not very remarkable
for sagacity on the bench. There was a
ball at Government House, and the judge began to criticise
the dancing of a witty member of the Indian bar.
"Ah, my friend, you are a bad waltzer!" "Ah, but you
are a bad judge."

MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences_.

_Mrs. Cripps_: Things are seldom what they seem:
Skim milk masquerades as cream;
Highlows pass as patent leathers;
Jackdaws strut in peacocks' feathers.

_Captain_: Very true,
So they do.

_Mrs. Cripps_: Black sheep dwell in every fold;
All that glitters is not gold;
Storks turn out to be but logs;
Bulls are but inflated frogs.

_Captain_: So they be,
Frequentlee.

W. S. GILBERT, _H.M.S. Pinafore_.

A friend meeting Sir George Rose one day in
Lincoln's Inn Fields, with his left eye greatly
swollen and inflamed, remonstrated with him,
adding that he was surprised Lady Rose should have let
him go out of doors in such a condition. "Ah," replied
Sir George, "I am out _jure mariti_" (my right eye).

_Macmillan's Magazine._

It is no comfort to the _short_
To know you cannot love _at all_!

ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_.

"Edwin and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and
Northumbria, declared for him; and even
Stigand, the patriotic Archbishop of Canterbury,
found it advisable----"
"Found _what?_" said the Duck.
"Found _it_," the Mouse replied, rather crossly; "of
course you know what 'it' means."
"I know what 'it' means well enough, when _I_ find a
thing," said the Duck; "it's generally a frog or a worm.
The question is, what did the archbishop find?"

LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.

I've read in many a novel, that, unless they've
souls that grovel,
Folks _prefer_, in fact, a hovel
to your dreary marble halls.