Chapter C: S. CALVERLEY, Fly Leaves

Some reformer was clamouring for the expulsion
of the Bishops from the House of Lords, but
said he would not have them all go; he would
leave two. "To keep up the breed, I suppose," said
Alvanley.

CHARLES GREVILLE, _Diary_.

You women regard men just as you buy books--you
never care about what is in them, but how
they are bound and lettered.

_Damas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_.

_EPITAPH ON LORD L----._

Here lies L.'s body, from his soul asunder:
He once was on the turf, and now is _under_.

SCROPE DAVIES, _apud_ MOORE.

_A SUITABLE BRIDE._

My friend Admiral E. E., shortly after his return
from a cruise, met an old acquaintance in the
streets of ----, who said, after the usual salutations
had passed, "They telt me, Admiral, that ye had
got married." The Admiral, hoping for a compliment,
replied, "Why, Bailie, I am getting on; I'm not so young
as I was, you see, and none of the girls will have me."
On which the Bailie, with perfect good faith and simplicity,
replied, "'Deed, Admiral, I was na evenin' yer to
a lassie, but there's mony a fine, respeckit, _half-worn_
wumman wad be glad to tak ye."

FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_.

_ON THE WORKS OF THE LAKE POETS._

They come from the Lakes--an appropriate quarter
For poems diluted with plenty of water.

REV. HENRY TOWNSHEND.

And I whispered, "I guess
The sweet secret thou keepest,
And the dainty distress
That thou wistfully weepest;
And the question is, 'Licence or banns?' though undoubtedly
banns are the cheapest."

Then her white hand I clasped,
And with kisses I crowned it.
But she glared and she gasped,
And she muttered, "Confound it!"
Or at least it was something like that, but the noise of
the omnibus drowned it.

LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_.

It was Lady Cork who had originated the idea that,
after all, heaven would perhaps turn out very
dull to her _when she got there; sitting on damp
clouds_, and _singing "God save the King,"_ being her idea
of the principal amusements there.

FANNY KEMBLE, _Record of a Girlhood_.

_ON FEMININE TALKATIVENESS._

How wisely Nature, ordering all below,
Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow!
For how could she be shaved, whate'er the skill,
Whose tongue would never let her chin be still?

ANON.

When Tennyson entered the Oxford Theatre to
receive his honorary degree of D.C.L., his locks
hanging in admired disorder on his shoulders,
dishevelled and unkempt, a voice from the gallery was
heard crying out to him, "Did your mother call you
early, dear?"

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

"Ha! ha!" he said, "you loathe your ways,
You writhe at these my words of warning,
In agony your hands you raise!"
(And so they did, for they were yawning.)

"Ho! ho!" he cries, "you bow your crests--
My eloquence has set you weeping;
In shame you bend upon your breasts!"
(And so they did, for they were sleeping.)

W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_.

You may safely flatter any woman, from her understanding
down to the exquisite taste of her fan.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.

_ON LADIES' ACCOMPLISHMENTS._

Your dressing, dancing, gadding, where's the good in?
Sweet lady, tell me--can you make a pudding?

_Epigrams in Distich._

Lord Braxfield, at whist, exclaimed to a lady
with whom he was playing, "What are ye doing,
ye damned auld ----?" and then, recollecting
himself, "Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for
my ain wife."

LORD MACAULAY, _Life_.

Then life was thornless to our ken,
And, Bramble-Rise, thy hills were then
A rise without a bramble.

FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_.

John Hamilton Reynolds was specially
distinguished for the aptness of his quotations.
Finding him one day lunching at the Garrick,
I asked him if the beef he was eating was good. "It
would have been," he answered, "if damned custom had
not _brazed_ it so."

J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_.

While spending an evening at [Mendelssohn's]
house, a note, with a ticket enclosed, was put in
my hands. The note ran thus: "The Directors
of the Leipzig Concerts beg leave to present to Mr.
_Shurely_ a ticket of the concert of to-morrow." Whereupon
Mendelssohn ran to the pianoforte, and immediately
began to play the subject from the chorus of the "Messiah,"
"_Surely_ he hath borne," etc.

H. F. CHORLEY, _Life_.

Fhairshon had a son,
Who married Noah's daughter,
And nearly spoilt ta flood,
By trinking up ta water:
Which he would have done,
I at least believe it,
Had ta mixture peen
Only half Glenlivet.

_Bon Gaultier Ballads._

After the execution of the eighteen malefactors
[in 1787], a female was bawling an account of
them, but called them nineteen. A gentleman
said to her, "Why do you say nineteen? There were
but eighteen hanged." She replied, "Sir, I did not know
you had been reprieved."

HORACE WALPOLE, _Correspondence_.

_ON THE MARRIAGE OF JOB WALL AND MARY BEST._

Job, wanting a partner, thought he'd be blest,
If, of all womankind, he selected the Best;
For, said he, of all evils that compass the globe,
A bad wife would most try the patience of Job.
The Best, then, he chose, and made bone of his bone,
Though 'twas clear to his friends she'd be Best left alone;
For, though Best of her sex, she's the weakest of all,
If it's true that the weakest must go to the Wall.

HICKS, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG.

La vertu des femmes est peut-être une question du
tempérament.

BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_.

_ON ONE STEALING A POUND OF CANDLES._

Light-fingered Catch, to keep his hands in ure,
Stole anything,--of this you may be sure,
That he thinks all his own that once he handles,--
For practice' sake did steal a pound of candles;
Was taken in the act:--oh, foolish wight!
To steal such things as needs must come to light!

_A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727).

At Hook's, one day the conversation turned on the
Duke of Cumberland, and a question asked who
he married. "Don't you know?" said Cannon;
"the Princess de _Psalms_ (Salms),--good enough for
_Hymn_ (him)."

W. JERDAN, _Memoirs_.

For me, I neither know nor care
Whether a parson ought to wear
A black dress or a white dress;
Fill'd with a trouble of my own--
A wife who preaches in her gown,
And lectures in her night-dress!

THOMAS HOOD.

Madame de ---- having said, in her intense
style, "I should like to be married in _English_,
in a language in which vows are so faithfully
kept," some one asked Frere, "What language, I wonder,
was _she_ married in?" "_Broken_ English, I suppose," answered
Frere.

THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_.

Your magpies and stock-doves may flirt among trees,
And chatter their transports in groves, if they please;
But a house is much more to my taste than a tree,
And for groves, O! a good grove of chimneys for me.

CHARLES MORRIS, _Lyra Urbanica_.

Again they asked me to marry them, and again I
declined, when they cried,--"Oh, cruel man!
This is too much--too much!" I told them
that it was on account of the muchness that I declined.