Chapter C: F. BROWNE, Artemus Ward's Lecture

I dare say she's like the rest o' the women--
thinks two and two'll come to make five, if she
cries and bothers enough about it.

_Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_.

Don't you see a hint of marriage
In his sober-sided face,
In his rather careless carriage
And extremely rapid pace?

If he's not committed treason,
Or some wicked action done,
Can you see the faintest reason
Why a bachelor should run?

Why should he be in a flurry?
But a loving wife to greet,
Is a circumstance to hurry
The most dignified of feet!

JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_.

Mr. Luttrell once said to me, "Sir, the man
who says he does not like a good dinner, is
either a fool or a liar."

J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_.

_TO PHOEBE._

"Gentle, modest little flower,
Sweet epitome of May,
Love me but for half an hour,
Love me, love me, little fay."
Sentences so swiftly flaming
In your tiny shell-like ear,
I should always be exclaiming
If I loved you, Phoebe dear:

"Smiles that thrill from any distance
Shed upon me while I sing!
Please ecstaticize existence,
Love me, oh thou, fairy thing!"
Words like these outpouring sadly
You'd perpetually hear,
If I loved you fondly, madly;--
But I do not, Phoebe dear.

W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_.

On one occasion, when Power the actor was
present, Hood was asked to propose his health.
After enumerating the various talents that popular
comedian possessed, he requested the company to
observe that such a combination was a remarkable
illustration of the old proverb, "It never rains but it
_powers_."

J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_.

I dreamed that somebody was dead. It was a
private gentleman, and a particular friend; and
I was greatly overcome when the news was
broken to me (very delicately) by a gentleman in a
cocked hat, top boots, and a sheet. Nothing else.
"Good God!" I said, "is he dead?" "He is as dead,
sir," rejoined the gentleman, "as a door nail. But we
must all die, Mr. Dickens, sooner or later, my dear sir."
"Ah!" I said; "yes, to be sure. Very true. But
what did he die of?" The gentleman burst into a flood
of tears, and said, in a voice broken by emotion, "He
christened his youngest child, sir, with a toasting fork!"

CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS.

I suppose all phrases of mere compliment have
their turn to be true. A man is occasionally
thankful when he says "thank you."

_Stephen Guest_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_.

_ON ATALANTA._

When the young Greek for Atalanta sigh'd,
He might have fool'd and follow'd till he died!
He learn'd the sex, the bribe before her roll'd,
And found, the short way to the heart, is--Gold.

GEORGE CROLY (1780-1860).

_De mortuis nil nisi bene_: of the living speak nothing
but evil.

HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_.

I once met a man who had forgiven an injury.
I hope some day to meet the man who has forgiven
an insult.

CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_.

Walk in the Park--you'll seldom fail
To find a Sybaris on the rail
By Lydia's ponies,
Or hap on Barrus, wigged, and stayed,
Ogling some unsuspecting maid.

The great Gargilius, then, behold!
His "long-bow" hunting tales of old
Are now but duller;
Fair Neobule too! Is not
One Hebrus here--from Aldershot?
Aha, you colour!
Be wise. There old Canidia sits;
No doubt she's tearing you to bits.

Here's Pyrrha, "golden-haired" at will;
Prig Damasippus, preaching still;
Asterie flirting,--
Radiant, of course. We'll make her black,--
Ask her when Gyges' ship comes back.

AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_.

La reconnaissance de la plupart des hommes n'est
qu'une secrète envie de recevoir de plus grands
bienfaits.

LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_.

The surest way to make ourselves agreeable to
others is by seeming to think them so.

W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_.

_SELF-EVIDENT._

When other lips and other eyes
Their tales of love shall tell,
Which means the usual sort of lies
You've heard from many a swell;
When, bored with what you feel is bosh,
You'd give the world to see
A friend whose love you know will wash,
Oh, then remember me!

When Signor Solo goes his tours,
And Captain Craft's at Ryde,
And Lord Fitzpop is on the moors,
And Lord knows who beside;
When to exist you feel a task
Without a friend at tea,
At such a moment I but ask
That you'll remember me.

J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_.

When a man is called stingy, it is as much as calling
him rich; and when a man's called rich, why
he's a man universally respected.

_Sir John Vesey_, in LORD LYTTON's _Money_.

Cursed be the Bank of England notes, that tempt the soul to sin!
Cursed be the want of acres,--doubly cursed the want of tin!

Cursed be the marriage-contract, that enslaved thy soul to greed!
Cursed be the sallow lawyer, that prepared and drew the deed!

Cursed be his foul apprentice, who the loathsome fees did earn!
Cursed be the clerk and parson--cursed be the whole concern!

_Bon Gaultier Ballads._

Never hold anybody by the button, or the hand,
in order to be heard out; for, if people are not
willing to hear you, you had much better hold
your tongue than them.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.

I have learned to love Lucy, though faded she be;
If my next love be lovely, the better for me;
By the end of next summer, I'll give you my oath,
It was best, after all, to have flirted with both.

CHARLES GODFREY LELAND.

General Ornano, observing a certain nobleman--who,
by some misfortune in his youth,
lost the use of his legs--in a Bath chair, which
he wheeled about, and inquiring the name of the
English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Père la Chaise."

GRONOW, _Recollections_.

Poet-professor! Now my brain thou kindlest:
I am become a most determined Tyndallist.
If it is known a fellow can make skies,
Why not make bright blue eyes?

This to deny the folly of a dunce it is:
Surely a girl as easy as a sunset is?
If you can make a halo or eclipse,
Why not two laughing lips?

Why should an author scribble rhymes or articles?
Bring me a dozen tiny Tyndall-particles:
Therefrom I'll coin a dinner, Nash's wine,
And a nice girl to dine.

MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_.

They now speak of the peculiar difficulties and
restrictions of the Episcopal Office. I only
read in Scripture of two inhibitions--boxing and
polygamy.

SYDNEY SMITH, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON.

_ON AN OFFERING MADE BY KING JAMES I. AT
A GRAVE COMEDY CALLED "THE MARRIAGE
OF ARTS."_

At Christ Church "Marriage," play'd before the King,
Lest these learn'd mates should want an offering,
The King himself did offer--what, I pray?
He offer'd, once or twice--to go away.

_A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727).

---- has only two ideas, and they are his legs, and
they are spindle-shanked.

LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON.

Dry as Compton's fun,
Dry as author's pocket;
Bright as that loved one
Whose face adorns my locket;
At the beaker's brim
Beading brittle bubbles,
Sea in which to swim,
And cast away all troubles;
Sea where sorrow sinks,
Ne'er to rise again--oh,
Blessedest of drinks,
Welcome, "Pommery Gréno!"

EDMUND YATES.

_ON CLOSE-FIST'S SUBSCRIPTION._

The charity of Close-Fist, give to fame:--
He has at last subscrib'd--how much?--his name.

ANON.

The late Bishop of Exeter and Baron Alderson
were sitting next each other at a public dinner.
After the usual toasts had been drunk, the
health of "The Navy" was proposed. Lord Campbell,
expecting to have to return thanks for "The Bar,"
and not having heard the toast distinctly, got up. On
which the late bishop whispered to Baron Alderson,
"What is Campbell about? What is he returning thanks
for the Navy for?" "Oh," answered the witty judge,
"he has made a mistake. He thinks the word is
spelt with a K."

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

Song-birds darted about, some inky
As coal, some snowy (I ween) as curds;
Or rosy as pinks, or as roses pinky--
They reck of no eerie To-come, these birds!

But they skim over bents which the mill-stream washes,
Or hang in the lift 'neath a white cloud's hem;
They need no parasols, no goloshes;
And good Mrs. Trimmer she feedeth them.