Chapter C: F. BROWNE, Artemus Ward's Lecture

_THEOLOGICAL HOROLOGY._

There's this to say about the Scotch,
So bother bannocks, braes, and birks,
They can't produce a decent watch,
For Calvinists despise good works.

SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.

Dawson told a good story about the Irish landlord
counting out the change of a guinea. "12,
13, 14" (a shot heard); "Bob, go and see who's
that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly,
sir." "Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of
mine; 18, 19, 20--there's your change, sir."

THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_.

Can this be Balbus, household word for all,
Whose earliest exploit was to build a wall:
Who, with a frankness that I'm sure must charm ye,
Declared it was all over with the army?
Can this be he who feasted, as 'twas said,
The town at forty sesterces a head?
But, while the thankless mob his bounty quaffed,
Historians add--that there were some who laughed.

_Horace_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_.

I should never like scolding any one else so
well; and that is a point to be thought of in a
husband.

_Mary Garth_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_.

In Logic a woman may seldom excel;
But in Rhetoric always she bears off the bell.
Fair Portia will show woman's talent for law,
When in old Shylock's bond she could prove such a flaw.
She would blunder in physic no worse than the rest,
She could leave things to Nature as well as the best,
She could feel at your wrist, she could finger your fee;
Then why should a woman not get a degree?

LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_.

_Quam parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus._ Say rather,
_quam magnâ stultitiâ_.

CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_.

The padded corsage and the well-matched hair,
Judicious jupon spreading out the spare,
Sleeves well designed soft plumpness to impart,
Leave vacant still the hollows of the heart.

ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_.

A Tailor is partly an alchemist, for he extracteth
his own apparel out of other men's clothes.

SIR THOMAS OVERBURY, _Characters_.

I am quite ashamed to take people into my garden,
and have them notice the absence of onions. In
onion is strength; and a garden without it lacks
flavour.