Chapter C: D. WARNER, My Summer in a Garden

Know, then, that when that touching scene
Had reached its tenderest pitch,
When all was pathos, calm, serene,
_His nose began to itch_.

'Twas sad, but so it came to pass,
The knight might chafe and frown,
But could not reach it, for alas!
_He wore his vizor down_.

_Songs of Singularity._

I remember asking [Bagehot] if he had enjoyed
a particular dinner which he had rather expected
to enjoy, but he replied, "No, the sherry was
bad; tasted as if L---- had dropped his h's into it."

R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_.

When Beings of the fairer sex
Arrange their white arms round our necks,
We are, we ought to be, enraptured.

FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_.

"Pray, Mr. Foote, do you ever go to church?"
"No, madam; not that I see any harm in it."

THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_.

_ON AN INCAPABLE PERSON._

Fortune advanced thee that all might aver
That nothing is impossible to her.

R. GARNETT (from the Greek).

I remember a Trinity College (Dublin) story of
a student who, having to translate Cæsar, rendered
the first sentence, "Omnis Gallia divisa est
in tres partes,"--"All Gaul is quartered into three
halves."

W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_.

Always seem to be modest and bashful, yet wise;
Remember the value of using your eyes;
Recollect, too, that money's not easily met,
And always accept every offer you get;
Be polite to all--grandmammas, sisters, and mothers,
For they've all of them grandsons, or own sons or brothers;
And never forget the chief object in life
Is to quickly be settled--a well-to-do wife.

_Phoebe_, in H. P. STEPHENS's _Billee Taylor_.

One asked what herb that was that cured all
diseases. It was answered, "Time."

_Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639).

In his sleeves, which were long,
He had twenty-four packs--
Which was coming it strong,
Yet I state but the facts;
And we found on his nails, which were taper,
What is frequent in tapers--that's wax.

BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_.

In a conversation which happened to turn on railway
accidents and the variety of human sufferings,
a bank director observed that he always
felt great interest in the case of a broken limb. "Then,
I suppose," said ----, "for a compound fracture you feel
compound interest."

W. JERDAN, _Memoirs_.

_ON A CERTAIN POET._

Thy verses are eternal, O my friend,
For he who reads them reads them to no end.

_A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727).

One day, coming late to dinner in the country,
[Lady Charlotte Lindsay] excused herself by
the "macadamnable" state of the roads.

LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_.

I wish some girls that I could name
Were half as silent as their pictures!

W. M. PRAED.

The other day I heard that whimsical fellow G----
make a rather foolish remark, to the effect that
the pleasure of _not_ going to church was a
pleasure that _never_ palled.

FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_.

And day again declines;
In shadow sleep the vines,
And the last ray thro' the pines
Feebly glows,
Then sinks behind yon ridge;
And the usual evening midge
Is settling on the bridge
Of my nose.

And keen's the air and cold,
And the sheep are in the fold,
And Night walks stable-stoled
Thro' the trees;
And on the silent river
The floating star-beams quiver;--
And now, the saints deliver
Us from fleas.