Chapter LIII: Act V: Scene I.1713

[_Enter_] VOLPONE.

_Volp._ Well, I am here, and all this brunt is past.
I ne’er was in dislike with my disguise
Till this fled moment: here ’t was good, in private;
But in your public,—_cave_ whilst I breathe. 4
’Fore God, my left leg ’gan to have the cramp,
And I apprehended straight some power had struck me
With a dead palsy. Well! I must be merry,
And shake it off. A many of these fears
Would put me into some villanous disease,
Should they come thick upon me: I ’ll prevent ’em. 10
Give me a bowl of lusty wine, to fright
This humour from my heart. (_Drinks._) Hum, hum, hum!
’T is almost gone already; I shall conquer.
Any device now of rare ingenious knavery, 14
That would possess me with a violent laughter,
Would make me up again. (_Drinks again._) So, so, so, so!
This heat is life; ’t is blood by this time:—Mosca!

SCENE II.[1714]

VOLPONE. [_Enter_] MOSCA.

_Mos._ How now, sir? Does the day look clear again?
Are we recover’d, and wrought out of error,
Into our way, to see our path before us?
Is our trade free once more?

_Volp._ Exquisite Mosca!

_Mos._ Was it not carri’d learnedly?

_Volp._ And stoutly: 5
Good wits are greatest in extremities.

_Mos._ It were folly beyond thought to trust
Any grand act unto a cowardly spirit.
You are not taken with it enough, methinks.

_Volp._ O, more than if I had enjoy’d the wench: 10
The pleasure of all woman-kind ’s not like it.

_Mos._ Why, now you speak, sir. We must here be fix’d;
Here we must rest; this is our masterpiece;
We cannot think to go beyond this.

_Volp._ True,
Thou host play’d thy prize, my precious Mosca.

_Mos._ Nay, sir, 15
To gull the court——

_Volp._ And quite divert the torrent
Upon the innocent.

_Mos._ Yes, and to make
So rare a music out of discords——

_Volp._ Right.
That yet to me ’s the strangest, how thou ’st borne it!
That these, being so divided ’mongst themselves, 20
Should not scent somewhat, or in me or thee,
Or doubt their own side.

_Mos._ True, they will not see ’t.
Too much light blinds ’em, I think. Each of ’em
Is so possest and stuft with his own hopes
That anything unto the contrary, 25
Never so true, or never so apparent,
Never so palpable, they will resist it——

_Volp._ Like a temptation of the devil.

_Mos._ Right, sir.
Merchants may talk of trade, and your great signiors
Of land that yields well; but if Italy 30
Have any glebe more fruitful than these fellows,
I am deceiv’d. Did not your advocate rare?

_Volp._ O—“My most honour’d fathers, my grave fathers,
Under correction of your fatherhoods,
What face of truth is here? If these strange deeds 35
May pass, most honour’d fathers”—I had much ado
To forbear laughing.

_Mos._ It seem’d to me, you sweat, sir.

_Volp._ In troth, I did a little.

_Mos._ But confess, sir,
Were you not daunted?

_Volp._ In good faith, I was
A little in a mist, but not dejected; 40
Never but still myself.

_Mos._ I think it, sir.
Now, so truth help me, I must needs say this, sir,
And out of conscience for your advocate,
He has taken pains, in faith, sir, and deserv’d,
In my poor judgment, I speak it under favour, 45
Not to contrary you, sir, very richly—
Well—to be cozen’d.

_Volp._ Troth, and I think so too,
By that I heard him in the latter end.

_Mos._ O, but before, sir: had you heard him first
Draw it to certain heads, then aggravate, 50
Then use his vehement figures—I look’d still
When he would shift a shirt; and doing this
Out of pure love, no hope of gain——

_Volp._ ’T is right.
I cannot answer him, Mosca, as I would,
Not yet; but for thy sake, at thy entreaty, 65
I will begin, even now—to vex ’em all,
This very instant.

_Mos._ Good sir.

_Volp._ Call the dwarf
And eunuch forth.

_Mos._ Castrone, Nano!

[_Enter_ CASTRONE _and_ NANO.]

_Nano._ Here.

_Volp._ Shall we have a jig now?

_Mos._ What you please, sir.

_Volp._ Go,
Straight give out about the streets, you two, 60
That I am dead; do it with constancy,
Sadly,[1715] do you hear? Impute it to the grief
Of this late slander. [_Exeunt_ CAST. _and_ NANO.]

_Mos._ What do you mean, sir?

_Volp._ O,
I shall have instantly my Vulture, Crow,
Raven, come flying hither, on the news, 65
To peck for carrion, my she-wolf, and all,
Greedy, and full of expectation——

_Mos._ And then to have it ravish’d from their mouths!

_Volp._ ’T is true. I will ha’ thee put on a gown, 69
And take upon thee, as thou wert mine heir;
Show ’em a will. Open that chest, and reach
Forth one of those that has the blanks; I ’ll straight
Put in thy name.

_Mos._ It will be rare, sir.
[_Gives him a paper._]

_Volp._ Ay,
When they e’en gape, and find themselves deluded—— 74

_Mos._ Yes.

_Volp._ And thou use them scurvily! Dispatch,
Get on thy gown.

_Mos._ [_putting on a gown._] But what, sir, if they ask
After the body?

_Volp._ Say, it was corrupted.

_Mos._ I ’ll say it stunk, sir; and was fain to have it
Coffin’d up instantly, and sent away.

_Volp._ Anything; what thou wilt. Hold, here ’s my will. 80
Get thee a cap, a count-book, pen and ink,
Papers afore thee; sit as thou wert taking
An inventory of parcels. I ’ll get up
Behind the curtain, on a stool, and hearken:
Sometime peep over, see how they do look, 85
With what degrees their blood doth leave their faces.
O, ’t will afford me a rare meal of laughter!

_Mos._ [_putting on a cap, and setting out the table, &c._] Your
advocate will turn stark dull upon it.

_Volp._ It will take off his oratory’s edge. 90

_Mos._ But your clarissimo, old roundback, he
Will crump you like a hog-louse, with the touch.

_Volp._ And what Corvino?

_Mos._ O, sir, look for him,
To-morrow morning, with a rope and dagger,
To visit all the streets; he must run mad,
My lady too, that came into the court, 95
To bear false witness for your worship——

_Volp._ Yes,
And kiss’d me ’fore the fathers, when my face
Flow’d all with oils——

_Mos._ And sweat, sir. Why, your gold
Is such another med’cine, it dries up
All those offensive savours: it transforms 100
The most deformed, and restores them lovely,
As ’t were the strange poetical girdle.[1716] Jove
Could not invent t’ himself a shroud more subtle
To pass Acrisius’[1717] guards. It is the thing
Makes all the world her grace, her youth, her beauty. 105

_Volp._ I think she loves me.

_Mos._ Who? The lady, sir?
She ’s jealous of you.

_Volp._ Dost thou say so?
[_Knocking within._]

_Mos._ Hark.
There ’s some already.

_Volp._ Look.

_Mos._ It is the Vulture;
He has the quickest scent.

_Volp._ I ’ll to my place,
Thou to thy posture. [_Goes behind the curtain._]

_Mos._ I am set.

_Volp._ But, Mosca, 110
Play the artificer now, torture ’em rarely.

SCENE III.[1718]

MOSCA. [_Enter_] VOLTORE.

_Volt._ How now, my Mosca?

_Mos._ [_writing_]. “Turkey carpets, nine——”

_Volt._ Taking an inventory! that is well.

_Mos._ “Two suits of bedding, tissue——”

_Volt._ Where ’s the will?
Let me read that the while.

[_Enter_ Servants _with_ CORBACCIO _in a chair._]

_Corb._ So, set me down,
And get you home. [_Exeunt_ Servants.] 5

_Volt._ Is he come now, to trouble us?

_Mos._ “Of cloth of gold, two more——”

_Corb._ Is it done, Mosca?

_Mos._ “Of several velvets, eight——”

_Volt._ I like his care.

_Corb._ Dost thou not hear?

[_Enter_ CORVINO.]

_Corv._ Ha! is the hour come, Mosca?

_Volp._ Ay, now they muster.
_Peeps from behind a traverse._

_Corv._ What does the advocate here, 10
Or this Corbaccio?

_Corb._ What do these here?

[_Enter_ LADY POL. WOULD-BE.]

_Lady P._ Mosca!
Is his thread spun?

_Mos._ “Eight chests of linen——”

_Volp._ O,
My fine Dame Would-be, too!

_Corv._ Mosca, the will,
That I may show it these, and rid ’em hence.

_Mos._ “Six chests of diaper, four of damask.”—There. 15
[_Gives them the will carelessly, over his shoulder._]

_Corb._ Is that the will?

_Mos._ “Down-beds, and bolsters——”

_Volp._ Rare!
Be busy still. Now they begin to flutter:
They never think of me. Look, see, see, see!
How their swift eyes run over the long deed,
Unto the name, and to the legacies, 20
What is bequeath’d them there——

_Mos._ “Ten suits of hangings——”

_Volp._ Ay, in their garters, Mosca. Now their hopes
Are at the gasp.

_Volt._ Mosca the heir.

_Corb._ What ’s that?

_Volp._ My advocate is dumb; look to my merchant,
He ’s heard of some strange storm, a ship is lost, 25
He faints; my lady will swoon. Old glazen-eyes,
He hath not reach’d his despair yet.

_Corb._ All these
Are out of hope; I am, sure, the man.
[_Takes the will._]

_Corv._ But, Mosca——

_Mos._ “Two cabinets——”

_Corv._ Is this in earnest?

_Mos._ “One
Of ebony——”

_Corv._ Or do you but delude me? 30

_Mos._ “The other, mother of pearl.”—I ’m very busy,
Good faith, it is a fortune thrown upon me—
“Item, one salt of agate”—not my seeking.

_Lady P._ Do you hear, sir?

_Mos._ “A perfum’d box”—Pray you forbear,
You see I ’m troubl’d—“made of an onyx——”

_Lady P._ How! 35

_Mos._ To-morrow or next day, I shall be at leisure
To talk with you all.

_Corv._ Is this my large hope’s issue?

_Lady P._ Sir, I must have a fairer answer.

_Mos._ Madam!
Marry, and shall: pray you, fairly quit my house.
Nay, raise no tempest with your looks; but hark you, 40
Remember what your ladyship off’red me
To put you in an heir; go to, think on it:
And what you said e’en your best madams did
For maintenance; and why not you? Enough.
Go home, and use the poor Sir Pol, your knight, well, 45
For fear I tell some riddles; go, be melancholic.
[_Exit_ LADY WOULD-BE.]

_Volp._ O, my fine devil!

_Corv._ Mosca, pray you a word.

_Mos._ Lord! will not you take your dispatch hence yet?
Methinks, of all, you should have been th’ example.
Why should you stay here? With what thought, what promise? 50
Hear you; do you not know, I know you an ass,
And that you would most fain have been a wittol
If fortune would have let you? that you are
A declar’d cuckold, on good terms? This pearl,
You ’ll say, was yours? right: this diamond? 55
I ’ll not deny ’t, but thank you. Much here else?
It may be so. Why, think that these good works
May help to hide your bad. I ’ll not betray you;
Although you be but extraordinary,
And have it only in title, it sufficeth: 60
Go home, be melancholy too, or mad.
[_Exit_ CORVINO.]

_Volp._ Rare Mosca! how his villany becomes him!

_Volt._ Certain he doth delude all these for me.

_Corb._ Mosca the heir!

_Volp._ O, his four eyes have found it.

_Corb._ I am cozen’d, cheated, by a parasite-slave; 65
Harlot,[1719] th’ hast gull’d me.

_Mos._ Yes, sir. Stop your mouth,
Or I shall draw the only tooth is left.
Are not you he, that filthy covetous wretch,
With the three legs, that here, in hope of prey,
Have, any time this three years, snuff’d about,
With your most grov’ling nose, and would have hir’d 71
Me to the pois’ning of my patron, sir?
Are not you he that have to-day in court
Profess’d the disinheriting of your son?
Perjur’d yourself? Go home, and die, and stink; 75
If you but croak a syllable, all comes out:
Away, and call your porters! [_Exit_ CORBACCIO.]
Go, go, stink.

_Volp._ Excellent varlet!

_Volt._ Now, my faithful Mosca,
I find thy constancy——

_Mos._ Sir!

_Volt._ Sincere.

_Mos._ [_writing._] “A table
Of porphyry”—I marle[1720] you ’ll be thus troublesome. 80

_Volt._ Nay, leave off now, they are gone.

_Mos._ Why, who are you?
What! who did send for you? O, cry you mercy,
Reverend sir! Good faith, I am griev’d for you,
That any chance of mine should thus defeat
Your (I must needs say) most deserving travails: 85
But I protest, sir, it was cast upon me,
And I could almost wish to be without it,
But that the will o’ the dead must be observ’d.
Marry, my joy is that you need it not;
You have a gift, sir (thank your education), 90
Will never let you want, while there are men,
And malice, to breed causes.[1721] Would I had
But half the like, for all my fortune, sir!
If I have any suits, as I do hope,
Things being so easy and direct, I shall not, 95
I will make bold with your obstreperous aid,
Conceive me—for your fee, sir. In mean time,
You that have so much law, I know ha’ the conscience
Not to be covetous of what is mine.
Good sir, I thank you for my plate; ’t will help 100
To set up a young man. Good faith, you look
As you were costive; best go home and purge, sir. [_Exit_ VOLTORE.]

_Volp._ [_comes from behind the curtain._] Bid him eat lettuce[1722]
well. My witty mischief,
Let me embrace thee. O that I could now
Transform thee to a Venus!—Mosca, go, 105
Straight take my habit of clarissimo,
And walk the streets; be seen, torment ’em more:
We must pursue, as well as plot. Who would
Have lost this feast?

_Mos._ I doubt it will lose them.

_Volp._ O, my recovery shall recover all. 110
That I could now but think on some disguise
To meet ’em in, and ask ’em questions:
How I would vex ’em still at every turn!

_Mos._ Sir, I can fit you.

_Volp._ Canst thou?

_Mos._ Yes, I know
One o’ the commandadori, sir, so like you; 115
Him will I straight make drunk, and bring you his habit.

_Volp._ A rare disguise, and answering thy brain!
O, I will be a sharp disease unto ’em.

_Mos._ Sir, you must look for curses——

_Volp._ Till they burst;
The Fox fares ever best when he is curst. 120
[_Exeunt._]

SCENE IV.[1723]

[_Enter_] PEREGRINE [_disguised and_] _three_ Mercatori.

_Per._ Am I enough disguis’d?

_1 Mer._ I warrant you.

_Per._ All my ambition is to fright him only.

_2 Mer._ If you could ship him away, ’t were excellent.

_3 Mer._ To Zant, or to Aleppo!

_Per._ Yes, and ha’ his
Adventures put i’ th’ Book of Voyages, 5
And his gull’d story regist’red for truth.
Well, gentlemen, when I am in a while,
And that you think us warm in our discourse,
Know your approaches.

_1 Mer._ Trust it to our care. 9
[_Exeunt_ Merchants.]

[_Enter_ Waiting-woman.]

_Per._ Save you, fair lady! Is Sir Pol within?

_Wom._ I do not know, sir.

_Per._ Pray you say unto him
Here is a merchant, upon earnest business,
Desires to speak with him.

_Wom._ I will see, sir. [_Exit._]

_Per._ Pray you.
I see the family is all female here.

[_Re-enter_ Waiting-woman.]

_Wom._ He says, sir, he has weighty affairs of state, 15
That now require him whole; some other time
You may possess him.

_Per._ Pray you say again,
If those require him whole, these will exact him,
Whereof I bring him tidings. [_Exit_ Woman.] What might be
His grave affair of state now! How to make 20
Bolognian sausages here in Venice, sparing
One o’ th’ ingredients?

[_Re-enter_ Waiting-woman.]

_Wom._ Sir, he says, he knows
By your word “tidings,” that you are no statesman,
And therefore wills you stay.

_Per._ Sweet, pray you return him;
I have not read so many proclamations, 25
And studied them for words, as he has done——
But—here he deigns to come. [_Exit_ Woman.]

[_Enter_ SIR POLITIC.]

_Sir P._ Sir, I must crave
Your courteous pardon. There hath chanc’d to-day
Unkind disaster ’twixt my lady and me;
And I was penning my apology, 30
To give her satisfaction, as you came now.

_Per._ Sir, I am griev’d I bring you worse disaster:
The gentleman you met at th’ port to-day,
That told you he was newly arriv’d——

_Sir P._ Ay, was
A fugitive punk?

_Per._ No, sir, a spy set on you: 35
And he has made relation to the senate,
That you protest to him to have a plot
To sell the State of Venice to the Turk.

_Sir P._ O me!

_Per._ For which warrants are sign’d by this time,
To apprehend you, and to search your study 40
For papers——

_Sir P._ Alas, sir, I have none, but notes
Drawn out of play-books——

_Per._ All the better, sir.

_Sir P._ And some essays. What shall I do?

_Per._ Sir, best
Convey yourself into a sugar-chest;
Or, if you could lie round, a frail[1724] were rare; 45
And I could send you aboard.

_Sir P._ Sir, I but talk’d so.
For discourse sake merely. [_They knock without._]

_Per._ Hark! they are there.

_Sir P._ I am a wretch, a wretch!

_Per._ What will you do, sir?
Have you ne’er a currant-butt to leap into?
They’ll put you to the rack; you must be sudden. 50

_Sir P._ Sir, I have an engine[1725]———

_3 Mer._ [_within._] Sir Politic Would-be!

_2 Mer._ [_within._] Where is he?

_Sir P._ That I ’ve thought upon before time.

_Per._ What is it?

_Sir P._ I shall ne’er endure the torture.
Marry, it is, sir, of a tortoise-shell,
Fitted for these extremities: pray you, sir, help me. 55
Here I’ve a place, sir, to put back my legs,
Please you to lay it on, sir, [_Lies down while_
PER. _places the shell upon him_.]—with this cap,
And my black gloves. I’ll lie, sir, like a tortoise,
Till they are gone.

_Per._ And call you this an engine?

_Sir P._ Mine own device.——Good sir, bid my wife’s women 60
To burn my papers. [_Exit_ PER.]

_The three_ Merchants _rush in_.

_1 Mer._ Where is he hid?

_3 Mer._ We must,
And will sure find him.

_2 Mer._ Which is his study?

[_Re-enter_ PEREGRINE.]

_1 Mer._ What
Are you, sir?

_Per._ I ’m a merchant, that came here
To look upon this tortoise?

_3 Mer._ How!

_1 Mer._ St. Mark!
What beast is this?

_Per._ It is a fish.

_2 Mer._ Come out here! 65

_Per._ Nay, you may strike him, sir, and tread upon him;
He ’ll bear a cart.

_1 Mer._ What, to run over him?

_Per._ Yes, sir.

_3 Mer._ Let ’s jump upon him.

_2 Mer._ Can he not go?

_Per._ He creeps, sir.

_1 Mer._ Let ’s see him creep.

_Per._ No, good sir, you will hurt him. 69

_2 Mer._ Heart, I will see him creep, or prick his guts.

_3 Mer._ Come out here!

_Per._ Pray you, sir, creep a little.

_1 Mer._ Forth.

_2 Mer._ Yet further.

_Per._ Good sir!—Creep.

_2 Mer._ We ’ll see his legs.

_They pull off the shell and discover him._

_3 Mer._ Gods so, he has garters!

_1 Mer._ Ay, and gloves!

_2 Mer._ Is this
Your fearful tortoise?

_Per._ [_discovering himself._] Now, Sir Pol, we ’re even;
For your next project I shall be prepar’d: 75
I am sorry for the funeral of your notes, sir.

_1 Mer._ ’T were a rare motion[1726] to be seen in Fleet-street.

_2 Mer._ Ay, in the Term.

_1 Mer._ Or Smithfield, in the fair.

_3 Mer._ Methinks ’t is but a melancholic sight.

_Per._ Farewell, most politic tortoise!
[_Exeunt_ PER. _and_ Merchants.]

[_Re-enter_ Waiting-woman.]

_Sir P._ Where ’s my lady? 80
Knows she of this?

_Wom._ I know not, sir.

_Sir P._ Enquire.—
O, I shall be the fable of all feasts,
The freight of the gazetti,[1727] ship-boys’ tale;
And, which is worst, even talk for ordinaries.

_Wom._ My lady ’s come most melancholic home, 85
And says, sir, she will straight to sea, for physic.

_Sir P._ And I, to shun this place and clime for ever.
Creeping with house on back, and think it well
To shrink my poor head in my politic shell. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE V.[1728]

[_Enter_] MOSCA _in the habit of a clarissimo, and_ VOLPONE _in that of a commandadore_.

_Volp._ Am I then like him?

_Mos._ O, sir, you are he;
No man can sever you.

_Volp._ Good.

_Mos._ But what am I?

_Volp._ ’Fore heaven, a brave clarissimo; thou becom’st it!
Pity thou wert not born one.

_Mos._ [_Aside._] If I hold
My made one, ’t will be well.

_Volp._ I ’ll go and see 5
What news first at the court. [_Exit._]

_Mos._ Do so. My Fox
Is out of his hole, and ere he shall re-enter,
I ’ll make him languish in his borrow’d case,[1729]
Except he come to composition with me.—
Androgyno, Castrone, Nano!

[_Enter_ ANDROGYNO, CASTRONE, _and_ NANO.]

_All._ Here. 10

_Mos._ Go, recreate yourselves abroad; go, sport.— [_Exeunt._]
So, now I have the keys, and am possest.
Since he will needs be dead afore his time,
I ’ll bury him, or gain by ’m: I’m his heir,
And so will keep me, till he share at least. 15
To cozen him of all, were but a cheat
Well plac’d; no man would construe it a sin:
Let his sport pay for ’t. This is call’d the Fox-trap. [_Exit._]

SCENE VI.[1730]

[_Enter_] CORBACCIO, CORVINO.

_Corb._ They say the court is set.

_Corv._ We must maintain
Our first tale good, for both our reputations.

_Corb._ Why, mine ’s no tale. my son would there have kill’d me.

_Corv._ That ’s true, I had forgot:—mine is, I ’m sure.
But for your will, sir.

_Corb._ Ay, I ’ll come upon him 5
For that hereafter, now his patron ’s dead.

[_Enter_ VOLPONE.]

_Volp._ Signior Corvino! and Corbaccio! sir,
Much joy unto you.

_Corv._ Of what?

_Volp._ The sudden good
Dropt down upon you——

_Corb._ Where?

_Volp._ And none knows how,
From old Volpone, sir.

_Corb._ Out, arrant knave! 10

_Volp._ Let not your too much wealth, sir, make you furious.

_Corb._ Away, thou varlet.

_Volp._ Why, sir?

_Corb._ Dost thou mock me?

_Volp._ You mock the world, sir; did you not change wills?

_Corb._ Out, harlot!

_Volp._ O! belike you are the man,
Signior Corvino? Faith, you carry it well; 15
You grow not mad withal; I love your spirit:
You are not over-leaven’d with your fortune.
You should ha’ some would swell now, like a wine-fat,
With such an autumn.—Did he gi’ you all, sir?

_Corb._ Avoid, you rascal!

_Volp._ Troth, your wife has shown 20
Herself a very woman; but you are well,
You need not care, you have a good estate,
To bear it out, sir, better by this chance:
Except Corbaccio have a share.

_Corb._ Hence, varlet.

_Volp._ You will not be acknown, sir; why, ’t is wise. 25
Thus do all gamesters, at all games, dissemble:
No man will seem to win. [_Exeunt_ CORVINO _and_ CORBACCIO.] Here
comes my vulture,
Heaving his beak up i’ the air, and snuffing.

SCENE VII.[1731]

VOLPONE. [_Enter_] VOLTORE.

_Volt._ Outstript thus, by a parasite! a slave,
Would run on errands, and make legs for crumbs!
Well, what I’ll do——

_Volp._ The court stays for your worship.
I e’en rejoice, sir, at your worship’s happiness,
And that it fell into so learned hands, 5
That understand the fing’ring——

_Volt._ What do you mean?

_Volp._ I mean to be a suitor to your worship,
For the small tenement, out of reparations,[1732]
That, at the end of your long row of houses,
By the Piscaria: it was, in Volpone’s time, 10
Your predecessor, ere he grew diseas’d,
A handsome, pretty, custom’d[1733] hawdy-house
As any was in Venice, none disprais’d;
But fell with him: his body and that house
Decay’d together.

_Volt._ Come, sir, leave your prating. 15

_Volp._ Why, if your worship give me but your hand
That I may ha’ the refusal, I have done.
’T is a mere toy to you, sir; candle-rents;
As your learn’d worship knows——

_Volt._ What do I know?

_Volp._ Marry, no end of your wealth, sir; God decrease it! 20

_Volt._ Mistaking knave! what, mock’st thou my misfortune? [_Exit._]

_Volt._ His blessing on your heart, sir; would ’t were more!——
Now to my first again, at the next corner. [_Exit._]

SCENE VIII.[1734]

[_Enter_] CORBACCIO _and_ CORVINO;—(MOSCA _passant_.)

_Corb._ See, in our habit![1735] see the impudent varlet!

_Corv._ That I could shoot mine eyes at him, like gun-stones!

[_Enter_ VOLPONE.]

_Volp._ But is this true, sir, of the parasite?

_Corb._ Again, t’ afflict us! monster!

_Volp._ In good faith, sir,
I’m heartily griev’d, a beard of your grave length 5
Should be so over-reach’d. I never brook’d
That parasite’s hair; methought his nose should cozen:[1736]
There still was somewhat in his look, did promise
The bane of a clarissimo.

_Corb._ Knave——

_Volp._ Methinks
Yet you, that are so traded i’ the world, 10
A witty merchant, the fine bird, Corvino,
That have such moral emblems on your name,
Should not have sung your shame, and dropt your cheese,
To let the Fox laugh at your emptiness.

_Corv._ Sirrah, you think the privilege of the place, 15
And your red saucy cap, that seems to me
Nail’d to your jolt-head with those two chequins,
Can warrant your abuses; come you hither:
You shall perceive, sir, I dare beat you; approach.

_Volp._ No haste, sir, I do know your valour well, 20
Since you durst publish what you are, sir.

_Corv._ Tarry,
I’d speak with you.

_Volp._ Sir, sir, another time——

_Corv._ Nay, now.

_Volp._ O lord, sir! I were a wise man,
Would stand the fury of a distracted cuckold.
MOSCA _walks by them_.

_Corb._ What, come again!

_Volp._ Upon ’em, Mosca; save me. 25

_Corb._ The air’s infected where he breathes.

_Corv._ Let’s fly him.
[_Exeunt_ CORV. _and_ CORB.]

_Volp._ Excellent basilisk! turn upon the vulture.

SCENE IX.[1737]

MOSCA, VOLPONE. [_Enter_] VOLTORE.

_Volt._ Well, flesh-fly, it is summer with you now;
Your winter will come on.

_Mos._ Good advocate,
Prithee not rail, nor threaten out of place thus;
Thou’lt make a solecism, as madam says.
Get you a biggin[1738] more; your brain breaks loose. [_Exit._] 5

_Volt._ Well sir.

_Volp._ Would you ha’ me beat the insolent slave,
Throw dirt upon his first good clothes?

_Volt._ This same
Is doubtless some familiar.

_Volp._ Sir, the court,
In troth, stays for you. I am mad, a mule
That never read Justinian, should get up, 10
And ride an advocate. Had you no quirk
To avoid gullage, sir, by such a creature?
I hope you do but jest; he has not done’t:
This’s but confederacy to blind the rest.
You are the heir?

_Volt._ A strange, officious, 15
Troublesome knave! thou dost torment me.

_Volp._ I know——
It cannot be, sir, that you should be cozen’d;
’T is not within the wit of man to do it;
You are so wise, so prudent; and ’t is fit 19
That wealth and wisdom still should go together.
[_Exeunt._]

SCENE X.[1739]

[_Enter_] 4 Avocatori, Notario, BONARIO, CELIA, CORBACCIO, CORVINO, Commandadori, [Saffi, _etc._]

_1 Avoc._ Are all the parties here?

_Not._ All but th’ advocate.

_2 Avoc._ And here he comes.

[_Enter_ VOLTORE _and_ VOLPONE.]

_1 Avoc._ Then bring them forth to sentence.

_Volt._ O, my most honour’d fathers, let your mercy
Once win upon your justice, to forgive—
I am distracted——

_Volp._ (_Aside._) What will he do now?

_Volt._ O, 5
I know not which t’ address myself to first;
Whether your fatherhoods, or these innocents—

_Corv._ (_Aside._) Will he betray himself?

_Volt._ Whom equally
I have abus’d, out of most covetous ends——

_Corv._ The man is mad!

_Corb._ What’s that?

_Corv._ He is possest. 10

_Volt._ For which, now struck in conscience, here I prostrate
Myself at your offended feet, for pardon.

_1, 2 Avoc._ Arise.

_Cel._ O heaven, how just thou art!

_Volp._ I’m caught
I’ mine own noose——

_Corv._ [_to_ CORBACCIO.] Be constant, sir; nought now 14
Can help but impudence.

_1 Avoc._ Speak forward.

_Com._ Silence!

_Volt._ It is not passion in me, reverend fathers,
But only conscience, conscience, my good sires,
That makes me now tell truth. That parasite,
That knave, hath been the instrument of all. 19

_1 Avoc._ Where is that knave? Fetch him.

_Volp._ I go. [_Exit._]

_Corv._ Grave fathers,
This man’s distracted; he confest it now:
For, hoping to be old Volpone’s heir,
Who now is dead——

_3 Avoc._ How!

_2 Avoc._ Is Volpone dead?

_Corv._ Dead since, grave fathers.

_Bon._ O sure vengeance!

_1 Avoc._ Stay,
Then he was no deceiver?

_Volt._ O no, none: 25
This parasite, grave fathers.

_Corv._ He does speak
Out of mere envy, ’cause the servant’s made
The thing he gap’d for. Please your fatherhoods,
This is the truth, though I’ll not justify
The other, but he may be some-deal faulty. 30

_Volt._ Ay, to your hopes, as well as mine, Corvino:
But I’ll use modesty.[1740] Pleaseth your wisdoms,
To view these certain notes, and but confer[1741] them;
And as I hope favour, they shall speak clear truth. 34

_Corv._ The devil has ent’red him!

_Bon._ Or bides in you.

_4 Avoc._ We have done ill, by a public officer
To send for him, if he be heir.

_2 Avoc._ For whom?

_4 Avoc._ Him that they call the parasite.

_3 Avoc._ ’T is true,
He is a man of great estate, now left.

_4 Avoc._ Go you, and learn his name, and say the court 40
Entreats his presence here, but to the clearing
Of some few doubts. [_Exit_ Notary.]

_2 Avoc._ This same’s a labyrinth!

_1 Avoc._ Stand you unto your first report?

_Corv._ My state,
My life, my fame——

_Bon._ Where is ’t?

_Corv._ Are at the stake.

_1 Avoc._ Is yours so too?

_Corb._ The advocate’s a knave, 45
And has a forked tongue——

_2 Avoc._ Speak to the point.

_Corb._ So is the parasite too.

_1 Avoc._ This is confusion.

_Volt._ I do beseech your fatherhoods, read but those—
[_Giving them papers._]

_Corv._ And credit nothing the false spirit hath writ:
It cannot be but he’s possest, grave fathers. 50
[_The scene closes._]

SCENE XI.[1742]

[_Enter_] VOLPONE.

_Volp._ To make a snare for mine own neck! and run
My head into it, wilfully! with laughter!
When I had newly scap’d, was free and clear,
Out of mere wantonness! O, the dull devil
Was in this brain of mine when I devis’d it, 5
And Mosca gave it second; he must now
Help to sear up this vein, or we bleed dead.
[_Enter_ NANO, ANDROGYNO, _and_ CASTRONE.]
How now! Who let you loose? Whither go you now?
What, to buy gingerbread, or to drown kitlings?

_Nan._ Sir, Master Mosca call’d us out of doors,
And bid us all go play, and took the keys. 11

_And._ Yes.

_Volp._ Did Master Mosca take the keys? Why, so?
I’m farther in. These are my fine conceits!
I must be merry, with a mischief to me! 14
What a vile wretch was I, that could not bear
My fortune soberly? I must ha’ my crochets,
And my conundrums! Well, go you, and seek him:
His meaning may be truer than my fear.
Bid him, he straight come to me to the court;
Thither will I, and, if’t be possible, 20
Unscrew my advocate, upon new hopes:
When I provok’d him, then I lost myself.
[_Exeunt._]

SCENE XII.[1743]

Avocatori, [BONARIO, CELIA, CORBACCIO, CORVINO, Commandadori, Saffi,] _etc._, [_as before_.]

_1 Avoc._ These things can ne’er be reconcil’d. He here
[_showing the papers_]
Professeth that the gentleman was wrong’d,
And that the gentlewoman was brought thither,
Forc’d by her husband, and there left.

_Volt._ Most true.

_Cel._ How ready is heaven to those that pray!

_1 Avoc._ But that 5
Volpone would have ravish’d her, he holds
Utterly false, knowing his impotence.

_Corv._ Grave fathers, he’s possest; again, I say,
Possest: nay, if there be possession, and
Obsession, he has both.

_3 Avoc._ Here comes our officer. 10

[_Enter_ VOLPONE.]

_Volp._ The parasite will straight be here, grave fathers.

_4 Avoc._ You might invent some other name, sir varlet.

_3 Avoc._ Did not the notary meet him?

_Volp._ Not that I know.

_4 Avoc._ His coming will clear all.

_2 Avoc._ Yet it is misty.

_Volt._ May’t please your fatherhoods——

_Volp._ (_whispers_ VOLT.) Sir, the parasite 15
Will’d me to tell you that his master lives;
That you are still the man; your hopes the same;
And this was only a jest——

_Volt._ How?

_Volp._ Sir, to try
If you were firm, and how you stood affected.

_Volt._ Art sure he lives?

_Volp._ Do I live, sir?

_Volt._ O me!
I was too violent.

_Volp._ Sir, you may redeem it. 21
They said you were possest; fall down, and seem so:
I’ll help to make it good. (VOLTORE _falls_.) God bless the man!——
Stop your wind hard, and swell—See, see, see, see!
He vomits crooked pins! His eyes are set, 25
Like a dead hare’s hung in a poulter’s shop!
His mouth’s running away! Do you see, signior?
Now it is in his belly.

_Corv._ Ay, the devil!

_Volp._ Now in his throat.

_Corv._ Ay, I perceive it plain.

_Volp._ ’T will out, ’t will out! stand clear.
See where it flies, 30
In shape of a blue toad, with a bat’s wings!
Do you not see it, sir?

_Corb._ What? I think I do.

_Corv._ ’T is too manifest.

_Volp._ Look! he comes t’ himself!

_Volt._ Where am I?

_Volp._ Take good heart, the worst is past, sir.
You’re dispossest.

_1 Avoc._ What accident is this! 35

_2 Avoc._ Sudden and full of wonder!

_3 Avoc._ If he were
Possest, as it appears, all this is nothing.

_Corv._ He has been often subject to these fits.

_1 Avoc._ Show him that writing:—do you know it, sir?

_Volp._ (_whispers_ VOLT.) Deny it, sir, forswear it: know it not. 40

_Volt._ Yes, I do know it well, it is my hand;
But all that it contains is false.

_Bon._ O practice![1744]

_2 Avoc._ What maze is this!

_1 Avoc._ Is he not guilty then,
Whom you there name the parsite?

_Volt._ Grave fathers,
No more than his good patron, old Volpone. 45

_4 Avoc._ Why, he is dead.

_Volt._ O no, my honour’d fathers,
He lives——

_1 Avoc._ How! lives?

_Volt._ Lives.

_2 Avoc._ This is subtler yet!

_3 Avoc._ You said he was dead.

_Volt._ Never.

_3 Avoc._ You said so.

_Corv._ I heard so.

_4 Avoc._ Here comes the gentleman; make him way.

[_Enter_ MOSCA.]

_3 Avoc._ A stool.

_4 Avoc._ [_Aside._] A proper man; and were Volpone dead, 50
A fit match for my daughter.

_3 Avoc._ Give him way.

_Volp._ [_Aside to_ MOS.] Mosca, I was a’most lost; the advocate
Had betray’d all; but now it is recover’d;
All’s on the hinge again——Say I am living.

_Mos._ What busy knave is this!—Most reverend fathers, 55
I sooner had attended your grave pleasures,
But that my order for the funeral
Of my dear patron did require me——

_Volp._ [_Aside._] Mosca!

_Mos._ Whom I intend to bury like a gentleman.

_Volp._ [_Aside._] Ay, quick, and cozen me of all.

_2 Avoc._ Still stranger! 60
More intricate!

_1 Avoc._ And come about again!

_4 Avoc._ [_Aside._] It is a match, my daughter is bestow’d.

_Mos._ [_Aside to_ VOLP.] Will you gi’ me half?

_Volp._ First I’ll be hang’d.

_Mos._ I know
Your voice is good, cry not so loud.

_1 Avoc._ Demand
The advocate.—Sir, did you not affirm 65
Volpone was alive?

_Volp._ Yes, and he is;
This gent’man told me so.—[_Aside to_ MOS.] Thou shalt have half.

_Mos._ Whose drunkard is this same? Speak, some that know him:
I never saw his face.—[_Aside to_ VOLP.] I cannot now
Afford it you so cheap.

_Volp._ No!

_1 Avoc._ What say you? 70

_Volt._ The officer told me.

_Volp._ I did, grave fathers,
And will maintain he lives, with mine own life,
And that this creature [_points to_ MOS.] told me.
[_Aside._]—I was born
With all good stars my enemies.

_Mos._ Most grave fathers,
If such an insolence as this must pass 75
Upon me, I am silent: ’t was not this
For which you sent, I hope.

_2 Avoc._ Take him away.

_Volp._ Mosca!

_3 Avoc._ Let him be whipt.

_Volp._ Wilt thou betray me?
Cozen me?

_3 Avoc._ And taught to bear himself
Toward a person of his rank.

_4 Avoc._ Away. 80
[_The_ Officers _seize_ VOLPONE.]

_Mos._ I humbly thank your fatherhoods.

_Volp._ Soft, soft: [_Aside._] Whipt!
And lose all that I have! If I confess,
It cannot be much more.

_4 Avoc._ Sir, are you married?

_Volp._ They’ll be alli’d anon; I must be resolute; 84
The Fox shall here uncase.
_Puts off his disguise._

_Mos._ Patron!

_Volp._ Nay, now
My ruin shall not come alone; your match
I’ll hinder sure: my substance shall not glue you,
Nor screw you into a family.

_Mos._ Why, patron!

_Volp._ I am Volpone, and this is my knave;
[_Pointing to_ MOSCA.]
This [_to_ VOLT.], his own knave; this [_to_ CORB.], avarice’s fool; 90
This [_to_ CORV.], a chimera of wittol, fool, and knave:
And, reverend fathers, since we all can hope
Nought but a sentence, let’s not now despair it.
You hear me brief.

_Corv._ May it please your fatherhoods——

_Com._ Silence. 94

_1 Avoc._ The knot is now undone by miracle.

_2 Avoc._ Nothing can be more clear.

_3 Avoc._ Or can more prove
These innocent.

_1 Avoc._ Give ’em their liberty.

_Bon._ Heaven could not long let such gross crimes be hid.

_2 Avoc._ If this be held the highway to get riches, 99
May I be poor!

_3 Avoc._ This’s not the gain, but torment.

_1 Avoc._ These possess wealth, as sick men possess fevers,
Which trulier may be said to possess them.

_2 Avoc._ Disrobe that parasite.

_Corv. Mos._ Most honour’d fathers——

_1 Avoc._ Can you plead aught to stay the course of justice? 104
If you can, speak.

_Corv. Volt._ We beg favour.

_Cel._ And mercy.

_1 Avoc._ You hurt your innocence, suing for the guilty.
Stand forth; and first the parasite. You appear
T’ have been the chiefest minister, if not plotter,
In all these lewd impostures, and now, lastly,
Have with your impudence abus’d[1745] the court,
And habit of a gentleman of Venice, 111
Being a fellow of no birth or blood:
For which our sentence is, first, thou be whipt;
Then live perpetual prisoner in our galleys. 114

_Volp._ I thank you for him.

_Mos._ Bane to thy-wolfish nature!

_1 Avoc._ Deliver him to the saffi.[1746] [MOSCA _is carried out_.]
Thou, Volpone,
By blood and rank a gentleman, canst not fall
Under like censure; but our judgment on thee
Is, that thy substance all be straight confiscate
To the hospital of the Incurabili: 120
And since the most was gotten by imposture,
By feigning lame, gout, palsy, and such diseases,
Thou art to lie in prison, cramp’d with irons,
Till thou be’st sick and lame indeed. Remove him.
[_He is taken from the Bar._]

_Volp._ This is called mortifying of a Fox. 125

_1 Avoc._ Thou, Voltore, to take away the scandal
Thou hast giv’n all worthy men of thy profession,
Art banish’d from their fellowship, and our state.
Corbaccio!—bring him near. We here possess
Thy son of all thy state, and confine thee 130
To the monastery of San Spirito;
Where, since thou knew’st not how to live well here,
Thou shalt be learn’d to die well.

_Corb._ Ha! what said he?

_Com._ You shall know anon, sir.

_1 Avoc._ Thou, Corvino, shalt
Be straight embark’d from thine own house, and row’d 135
Round about Venice, through the Grand Canal,
Wearing a cap, with fair long ass’s ears,
Instead of horns! and so to mount, a paper
Pinn’d on thy breast, to the Berlina.[1747]

_Corv._ Yes, 139
And have mine eyes beat out with stinking fish,
Bruis’d fruit, and rotten eggs—’t is well. I ’m glad
I shall not see my shame yet.

_1 Avoc._ And to expiate
Thy wrongs done to thy wife, thou art to send her
Home to her father, with her dowry trebled:
And these are all your judgments.

_All._ Honour’d fathers—— 145

_1 Avoc._ Which may not be revok’d. Now you begin,
When crimes are done and past, and to be punish’d,
To think what your crimes are. Away with them!
Let all that see these vices thus rewarded,
Take heart, and love to study ’em. Mischiefs feed 150
Like beasts, till they be fat, and then they bleed.
[_Exeunt._]

VOLPONE [_comes forward_].

“The seasoning of a play is the applause.
Now, though the Fox be punish’d by the laws,
He yet doth hope, there is no suff’ring due, 155
For any fact[1748] which he hath done ’gainst you;
If there be, censure him; here he doubtful stands:
If not, fare jovially, and clap your hands.”
[_Exit._]

THE ALCHEMIST

BY BEN JONSON

THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY

SUBTLE, the ALCHEMIST.
FACE, the House-keeper.
DOL COMMON, their colleague.
DAPPER, a [Lawyer’s] clerk.
DRUGGER, a Tobacco-man.
LOVEWIT, Master of the House.
[Sir] EPICURE MAMMON, a Knight.
[PERTINAX] SURLY, a Gamester.
TRIBULATION [WHOLESOME], a Pastor of Amsterdam.
ANANIAS, a Deacon there.
KASTRILL, the angry boy.
DAME PLIANT, his sister, a Widow.
Neighbours.
Officers, Mutes.

SCENE.—_London._

[TO THE READER[1749]

If thou beest more, thou art an understander, and then I trust thee. If thou art one that tak’st up, and but a pretender, beware at what hands thou receiv’st thy commodity; for thou wert never more fair in the way to be coz’ned than in this age in poetry, especially in plays, wherein now the concupiscence of jigs and dances[1750] so reigneth, as to run away from nature and be afraid of her is the only point of art that tickles the spectators. But how out of purpose and place do I name art, when the professors are grown so obstinate contemners of it, and presumers on their own naturals,[1751] as they are deriders of all diligence that way, and, by simple mocking at the terms when they understand not the things, think to get off wittily with their ignorance! Nay, they are esteem’d the more learned and sufficient for this by the multitude,[1752] through their excellent vice[1753] of judgment. For they commend writers as they do fencers or wrastlers; who, if they come in robustiously and put for it with a great deal of violence, are receiv’d for the braver fellows; when many times their own rudeness is the cause of their disgrace, and a little touch of their adversary gives all that boisterous force the foil.[1754] I deny not but that these men who always seek to do more than enough may some time happen on some thing that is good and great; but very seldom: and when it comes, it doth not recompence the rest of their ill. It sticks out, perhaps, and is more eminent, because all is sordid and vile about it; as lights are more discern’d in a thick darkness than a faint shadow. I speak not this out of a hope to do good on any man against his will; for I know, if it were put to the question of theirs and mine, the worse would find more suffrages, because the most favour common errors. But I give thee this warning, that there is a great difference between those that (to gain the opinion of copie[1755]) utter[1756] all they can, however unfitly, and those that use election and a mean. For it is only the disease of the unskillful to think rude things greater than polish’d, or scatter’d more numerous than compos’d.]

ARGUMENT

T he sickness hot,[1757] a master quit, for fear,
H is house in town, and left one servant there.
E ase him corrupted, and gave means to know
A Cheater and his punk;[1758] who now brought low,
L eaving their narrow practice, were become
C oz’ners[1759] at large; and only wanting some
H ouse to set up, and with him they here contract,
E ach for a share, and all begin to set.
M uch company they draw, and much abuse,[1760]
I n casting figures,[1761] telling fortunes, news,
S elling of flies,[1762] flat bawdry, with the stone,[1763]
T ill it, and they, and all in fume[1764] are gone.